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theimage13
09-08-2013, 11:45 AM
Thought I'd start this up for anyone here who's ever been diagnosed with any sort of condition that your insurance provider would put into the "mental health" category, or for anyone who hasn't been diagnosed but has questions.

And on that note, allow me to be the first to ask: for anyone who has been diagnosed with anything ranging from mild depression to bipolar disorder, what was the tipping point for seeking a diagnosis? Did something happen that caused you to switch from "that's just who I am" to "maybe there's a chemical imbalance at play"? Was it your decision to investigate further, or did a friend, relative, or physician encourage you to get a medical opinion?

I know that this is an extremely sensitive topic for some, but I hope that people will feel comfortable to speak openly here.

Dra508
09-08-2013, 12:55 PM
Tipping point? Leaving my husband of many years. He actually suggested that I go talk to someone, so I thank him for that. Several years earlier, I asked him to go see a therapist for his anger issues which I personally think was a way for him to handle his depression.

If someone close to you is suggesting therapy for you, you should take the suggestion seriously. There is no much harm in giving it a try, talking to someone who is suppose to be a trained objective professional can only do you good. I know I've been mildly depressed several times in my life that I just handled it, but that was only really kicking the can farther down the road. I've never taken meds, other then when I quit smoking, which I highly recommend by the way. My methods: Therapy, exercise, yoga, and a little mediation thrown in. Keeping the drinking to moderate helps too. Oh and music (appropriate to this forum), I know myself well enough now. I derive a lot of pure, organic (hate that word but its accurate here) pleasure from listening to music (especially live).

The interesting thing you mention is insurance companies. While they cover a lot of mental health services, there is still this stigma. My own therapist told me if and when he goes to a therapist, he pays cash. I'm just thankful I bought my life insurance policy prior to going to a therapist. Got a great rate and don't want to lose it because some actuarial table put me in a risk category. Fuck big data! Sorry, I digress.

And I'm pretty sure I'm ADD too, un diagnosed, but isn't everyone a little bit? All this continuous partial attention.

Is that what you were looking for by way for experience, feedback, encouragement?

InsecureSpike
09-08-2013, 02:40 PM
oh, i was just thinking of starting one of these the other day!

i have Borderline Personality Disorder & depression, with some Narcissistic, mild schizophrenic & autistic traits, crazy wild rapid mood swings, i have splitting or black & white thinking, i have 2 distinct personalities good/bad or light/dark mood, the good, he is quite a narcissistic person to be around, so i'm told, but the darker, he is very selfish, manipulative, withdrawn, self-destructive, the one i'm more comfortable to be, the real me, i'm slowly finding my triggers, avoiding and using them to suit my needs,
i could go on & on, theres plenty i could tell....

i believe in the educating of others, on ALL grounds of mental health issues!

i hit an all time low, quite a few years ago [even-though i've had this all my life] looking back i can see when it started grow, in my early teens, but i like having it, i love my bad/darker side, but he is very self-destructive. my g/f pushed me into getting help, as the self-destruction was getting too much for her. and since i live in the UK, we have the NHS, and the area where i live the community mental health team is very good, although, you get a better level of care if you have reached a very low kinda point. i've had some great help from them and still see the psychotherapist.
i have been on lots of different meds, and have now been on my current ones for about a year, they are Mirtazapine 45mg, Lamotrigine 200mg and Lorazapam 1-3mg, with the exception of Olanzapine which i have been off of for about 6 months,
i rely on the meds way too much though, still turn to the drink when times are bad or need comfort, though. I've had mindfulness courses, and kinda got on well with it, but started hating the teacher for questioning my medication and coping techniques [the fuckin bitch!!] i can hate someone for a very very long time, for the slightest thing, haha

but i'm always happy to try and give advice, on the BPD thing

i may add more later

Kid Charlemagne
09-08-2013, 04:07 PM
As a kid, I saw a therapist because my parents knew I was depressed despite their best efforts. I took medication from about age 10 till about 21, but I always knew there was a bigger problem at hand. I started drinking excessively and doing some hard drugs because I was still very unhappy with my life. Three years ago, I had several episodes where I tried to commit suicide, yet somehow still survived.

The breaking point was on the third attempt, in which I ingested about a month's worth of Trazadone, my dad discovered my body and rushed me to the hospital. after the last two attempts, I had talked my way out of the mental hospital for just short stays, on this attempt, I agreed to check myself in and stay for a week. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder, which makes sense in hindsight. It scared the shit out of me having no freedom and knowing that my parents were cared for my well being (something that contributed to me being unhappy), so I strove to better myself by limiting alcohol, seeing a therapist more than I was, taking my medications instead of forgoing them, and working out. It's been three years since that episode, and I've never felt better. Though I have times where I get sad, I realize I have a terrific support system and lots to look forward to. I've honestly never felt so confident in my entire life as I do right now.

marodi
09-08-2013, 05:17 PM
I'm on the waiting list to get an appointment with a psychiatrist right now. I want to get an "official" diagnosis about my OCD and about my social anxiety disorder.

As for why I finally decided to go see a psychiatrist: because of our Canadian Communist health care system ™, an "official" diagnosis will put me in the "system" to get free mental care help for my disorders.

katara
09-09-2013, 02:13 AM
I had another panic attack last night after a couple of days being totally depression-free. It was not fun.

xmd 5a
09-09-2013, 04:50 AM
I've got Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I was pretty shy as a teen and had a lot of trouble feeling comfortable in social situations, so I initially thought I had social anxiety. I was diagnosed with GAD, which make a hell of a lot of sense in retrospect considering that I was a massive hypochondriac and had major separation anxiety when I was a younger child. Nowadays my anxiety is generally centered around finances (which is pretty normal I guess!)

My main problem is my overactive imagination and immediately leaping to the worst-case scenario. When I was a kid and a parent or guardian wasn't in sight I thought I was lost/abandoned and was going to die. A little later it was I have a minor pain in my chest region -> "oh shit I'm going to have a heart attack oh fuck I don't want to die" (the resultant anxiety often made me short of breath which exacerbated things even further).

I don't cope too well with pressure. I feel like I'm permanently "skating on thin ice" at work (despite getting tons of positive reinforcement and even a recent promotion). I sometimes feel like if I fuck something up I'm going to get fired and then lose my house and my wife and kid will starve to death. I'm also very self-conscious and get very worried about how others perceive me. This often leads to a kind of "snowball" situation where I get wound up about some stressful shit then I get even more wound up about coming across too stressed and then even more wound up about about being wound up about being wound up... etc etc etc.

Hope I don't sound too crazy!

aurelius
09-10-2013, 12:45 AM
I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. Both sides of my family have a history of mental illness. My doctors have said I most likely was born with GAD and MDD, I unfortunately have some learned behaviors from my parents, and childhood trauma just added to it. I finally, thankfully, sought treatment after college after a breakdown. After several different times on meds I've been advised to stay on them permanently for life, even if only at a low dosage, in order to keep my depression at bay. I currently take Paxil. I've also taken Lexapro.

Therapy was the best thing I've ever done for myself! I've had talk therapy, EMDR, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. CBT really zeroed in on so many things I had no idea were unhealthy! I was able to deal with past trauma and move on in my life. I truly feel like I function in a much healthier way. Therapy was really hard but absolutely rewarding.

Eating better, exercising and sleeping well all help keep my conditions in check. My meds keep me more stable so that when my anxiety and/or depression kick in I am able to use what I've learned in therapy to push through. I also have asked my closest friends and fiancé to keep on eye on me. They know what I'm dealing with and will let me know if I'm "off" because when depression hits hard it tends to distort reality that I don't even realize what's happening.

binaryhermit
09-10-2013, 01:01 AM
To be honest, I'm not sure of my diagnosis. The last time I was in the hospital, they said paranoid schizophrenia with depressed mood, whereas my regular psychiatrist (who has shown the inability to properly write a prescription for the right drug and the right dose for the right duration of time) insists I'm just bipolar 1. I know for a fact that there's depression and some form of psychosis (yeah, I see and hear things. but it's not l*that* bad by seeing/hearing things standards) going on somewhere in my messed-up mind and probably have some sort of anxiety thin g going on. I'm currently on celexa, trileptal, depakote, and rispedal and have been on haldol, zoloft, and ativan.

EDIT: And I forgot to mention that I formerly was on cogentin because the haldol made my legs move without me actually trying to move them

halloween
09-10-2013, 05:13 AM
I've been mentally preparing myself for winter. Soon it will be dark when I get off from work at 8:30 am and then when I leave work again 6pm. I will have no time to bathe my face in sunlight. I do get depressed without light unfortunately and I'm living by myself so I'm expecting bouts of loneliness. I may have to do some saving up so I can drive often to visit my boyfriend who's a couple hours away.

playwithfire
09-10-2013, 06:41 AM
Have you thought about getting one of those light things? I hear they work wonders.

I thought I had SAD when I first moved up here, but it turns out (mercifully) that I don't. It was just my hormonal depression kicking in really hard.

I have OCD. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse. I think I may be getting better with some stuff I've been having trouble with. Yay.

theimage13
09-10-2013, 07:49 AM
Have you thought about getting one of those light things? I hear they work wonders.

I was part of a research study on SAD using one of those about a decade ago. Here's how it went:

Beginning: Base interview. Not feeling all that great. Start using the light - which may be one of the lights you mentioned or it may just be a regular ol' light - for 15 minutes a day.
Week One: Second interview. Mood improved.
Week Two: Third interview. Mood improved.
Week Three: Fourth interview. Mood improved.

After the trial, they told me it was a real light, gave me some results, and said it sounds like it was extremely beneficial. Ooooooooone big problem though:
Beginning: haven't seen any of my friends since Christmas break, several months ago. Lonely, and haven't accomplished much lately.
Week One: Photograph the President of the United States the newspaper here.
Week Two: Attend (and photograph) my first NIN show.
Week Three: Friends are home on a break from school.

So....how much of that mood enhancement came from a light bulb, versus...well...THAT? I don't mean to suggest that the lights don't work, but I really wish that the test I'd taken had been done so during a much more neutral time frame.

halloween
09-10-2013, 11:09 AM
I have thought about that light but since I also have crazy hormonal mood swings that have been under control with my depo shot I'm going to see how this winter goes without a light thingy. I've started doing yoga and meditating again on a somewhat regular (not every day) schedule and I need to not let my motivation wane as the light does.

theimage13
09-10-2013, 12:27 PM
I've started doing yoga and meditating again

Did you have to do anything to get your mind in the right place for that? For me, it was an easy choice to go to yoga classes once I saw that my gym offered a free one after work once a week. But I stopped going pretty quickly because I couldn't get my brain to shut the hell up. I wasn't focusing on my breathing or the instructor's directions the entire time (I was paying attention, but in and out). I stopped going after just a few visits because I'd only leave feeling even more frustrated than when I started - because of my failure to be able to get to the right mental place.

Baphomette
09-11-2013, 02:09 AM
I'm currently on celexa, trileptal, depakote, and rispedal.I'm very surprised your doctors have put you on both trileptal and depakote. They both essentially do the same thing. And if your doctor is insisting you have bi-polar disorder rather than schizophrenia, why is s/he prescribing risperdal? Have you considered seeing a different psychiatrist?

halloween
09-11-2013, 04:46 AM
Did you have to do anything to get your mind in the right place for that? For me, it was an easy choice to go to yoga classes once I saw that my gym offered a free one after work once a week. But I stopped going pretty quickly because I couldn't get my brain to shut the hell up. I wasn't focusing on my breathing or the instructor's directions the entire time (I was paying attention, but in and out). I stopped going after just a few visits because I'd only leave feeling even more frustrated than when I started - because of my failure to be able to get to the right mental place.
Don't give up! It's all about practice- you can't expect to be able to shut your mind up right away. We spend all our lives letting our mind run wild, we can't expect to know how to reverse that right away. I just kept going to yoga until it clicked. If there's any frame of mind you have to be in for yoga, is one of motivation and forgiveness. You can't be hard on yourself for not being able to do something that you've never done before. Like asking yourself to...I don't know, start pole vaulting successfully after never even going for a jog! Going "in and out" is a great start, eventually I found myself being more "in" than out because it's all about training. With all things, I also noticed in myself that if I neglect it, it becomes harder for me to stay focused. Another meditating technique I try is to simply bring my awareness to my breathing during any point of the day with the goal of becoming aware and more deliberate of every thought and action. Granted, I remember to do this maybe twice a day for only a few seconds but it's better than nothing!
Anyways, I've noticed it does wonders for managing any needless anxiety that crops up now and then.

Dra508
09-11-2013, 07:06 AM
^^^^true true true. Especially the use of the word forgiveness.

icklekitty
09-11-2013, 07:38 AM
One of my doctors put me on SSRIs to lose weight. That was fun!

I'm autistic, if that falls under this bracket (technically neurological; I'm retarded, not crazy). A hell of a lot more made sense (or at least I could see why nothing had ever made sense) once that came through. I probably experience 80% of this (http://www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_a58d4f6a/images/img244154ad237783e339.JPG).

binaryhermit
09-11-2013, 09:20 AM
I'm very surprised your doctors have put you on both trileptal and depakote. They both essentially do the same thing. And if your doctor is insisting you have bi-polar disorder rather than schizophrenia, why is s/he prescribing risperdal? Have you considered seeing a different psychiatrist?
I don't really have a choice in the matter, having to go through the shitty-ass local sliding scale clinic sucks. And as I understand it, risperdal also has a mood-stabilizing effect along with its anti-psychotic effect.

somethingelse
09-11-2013, 05:42 PM
My social anxiety is so fantastic that I went to my psych appointment one day early. Yup, it was booked for tomorrow and I went there at 8AM this morning. Luckily there was only a cleaner and another psych with a patient there at the time, so the panic was at a dull roar. The positive would be that the whole episode made me go through the anxiety/panic motions of having to function, the negative would be the same. I really hate my brain.

Halo Infinity
09-11-2013, 10:37 PM
I wish I could just snap out of my loneliness. It's one of the weirdest forms of depression I've ever experienced. I also didn't realize that loneliness is actually fodder for mockery to some people too. (As if I needed more things to make me feel like an outsider.)

Big Fat Matt
09-11-2013, 11:15 PM
warning: this is a little long-winded to start

When my mother adopted my sister from china (around 2003, i was 12, my sis was 3), we took her (my sister) to a therapist to try and understand radical detachment disorder better, and possibly nip it in the bud (which we later found out was pretty much impossible). I really liked the therapist, and continued to see her of my own accord. She diagnosed me with clinical depression at the age of 16, and didn't believe in medicating me (as do many medical professionals) until i was older. High school happened, and my depression pretty much turned into heavy (and i do mean HEAVY) drug use. i was depressed, so i would use, then i was depressed because i used. My therapist constantly insisted on rehab, and it reached a boiling point where i attempted suicide. Eight hours after the attempt, i decided to quit the drugs (caffeine, alcohol and nicotine excluded) cold turkey, and have stayed true for 1671 days.

i am in a love-hate relationship with my depression. i keep it in check very well without medication. i learned a valuable lesson though, and it actually manifested itself in a Nice Hooves song, "warpaint is not a mask." A lot of depressed people i know do whats called "game-face" which is faking being happy to get through the day. i refuse to do this anymore. "warpaint is not a mask, my friend. its a sign of reaching your end." If you are sad, let it out. you shouldn't have to hide your emotions just to appease people. we have different emotions for a reason. let those feelings out.

vpintz
09-11-2013, 11:28 PM
Checking in with cyclothymia ("mild" bi-polar disorder), C-PTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder, meaning it's PTSD with dissociation, which is A: hard as hell to describe/explain, and B: causes me all kinds of issues, because I don't have control of myself when I dissociate, it's like being outside of my own body with no control over my actions), eating disorder, and addiction issues. I have not been officially diagnosed with OCD, but when I'm in a cyclothymia episode or an ED relapse, I sure as hell have all the symptoms.

I'm on two anti depressants (to be fair, one is for migraine and insomnia control) (elavil and zoloft) and xanax for the C-PTSD. Not medicated for the cyclothymia, because episodes are few and far between (I have, like, two a year). Currently in an ED relapse, which is no fun at all.

marodi
09-12-2013, 11:08 AM
I just got my appointment with a psychiatrist; it's next week. I feel both relieved, happy, terrified and nervous enough to make me puke.

theimage13
09-12-2013, 11:36 AM
I only just discovered that the whole ACA (aka Obamacare) thing is going to be a blessing and a curse.

Curse: my rates are INCREASING by almost 50%, despite the fact that I'll probably be an unemployed (or part timer) full-time student next year. Thanks!
Blessing: mental health coverage is mandated under all plans offered via the ACA. I don't have that now.

Halo Infinity
09-13-2013, 01:58 PM
I've heard the term emotional eater before, and I'm sure I have to be one. I'm amazed how it's something I never ever seem to think of whenever I'm getting that high from food. I really need to come to terms with that though. No wonder why loneliness, shame, and self-loathing makes it very hard, or even flat-out impossible to lose weight when you're prone to make an attempt to eat your emotional problems away. I'm just amazed, considering that's the power of escapism for you. It really does block out the reality of it all. I'm also posting this as an open mental note to myself about this matter too.

sentient02970
09-13-2013, 02:01 PM
This past Tuesday my visit with my therapist was all "joy, joy, joy...all is good doc!" Next Tuesday will be seeing if she can help drag me out the pit I've fallen into.

Halo Infinity
09-13-2013, 06:12 PM
Looking back at it now, I'm even amazed that I'm sharing some of my emotions here, but I suppose this was the right thread to do it. You could perhaps say that's part of my social anxiety disorder, as I sometimes feel like certain emotions could make me look evil, stupid, irrational, immature, weak, and even insane. For instance, like with anger, I never really found a way to properly and safely deal with it. I usually just try my best to avoid becoming angry, or dodge getting into situations that might set me off. I also try my best to keep it inside, and only let it go when I'm completely alone. Even the mere thought of it fills me with disgust and dread, considering how my anger is also guaranteed to have feelings of animosity in it as well.

marodi
09-19-2013, 09:46 AM
I just got my appointment with a psychiatrist; it's next week. I feel both relieved, happy, terrified and nervous enough to make me puke.

It was yesterday.

The verdict: severe generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder and OCD. My reward: Rivotril twice a day and an increase of my Effexor dosage. And a place for psychotherapy which was given to me without me having to ask (beg, grovel) for it. Because my case is severe.

I lost my shit during the interview when they (they were 3, 2 psychiatrists and one trainee) told me the diagnosis and when one of them told me: "we could see how much suffering it's causing you". It was the first time in my life that someone was acknowledging the misery I've been in my whole life. It felt liberating in a way.

So, this is my new theme song:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0e10baH6cE

although I've never had to deal with the baggage retrieval system at Heathrow.

redshoewearer
09-19-2013, 10:17 AM
I'm autistic, if that falls under this bracket (technically neurological; I'm retarded, not crazy). A hell of a lot more made sense (or at least I could see why nothing had ever made sense) once that came through. I probably experience 80% of this (http://www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_a58d4f6a/images/img244154ad237783e339.JPG).

I'm not a person that opens up easily about issues in this thread - denial has worked, and I think distraction helps me (school, and my work as an exercise instructor - I teach 10-12 classes a week and I think it helps as a mood stabilizer. I notice a difference if I miss even a couple days) but that link explains a LOT. It was like a light bulb going on over my head - at least 80% describes me as well.

Halo Infinity
09-20-2013, 08:40 AM
Perhaps I'm going about this the wrong way, but for quite some time, I've usually thought that the only true and real reason to have pride and be proud of yourself would be after you accomplished something or achieved some great form of success. And having a history of perfectionism, and having the tendencies of a perfectionist has lead me to that line of thinking. In other words, is it really unhealthy to only "pat myself on the back" when I achieve something or genuinely commit good deeds? People also suggest that it's better to get pride from your character first, but I'm also convinced that you have to DO something in order to increase or even create your self-worth.

(I could be wrong though, but I have strong feelings for my stance. I'm just curious what others would think of this.)

In other words, I've always thought that being a successful, productive, intelligent, and efficient hard worker is one big must to be a good person worthy of any source of real pride. I often base pride on those things. (Oh yes, and performing good deeds for all the right reasons and motives too.) I'll be willing to admit that it's a huge drawback to only feel comfortable in my own skin when I'm right though.

sentient02970
09-20-2013, 09:43 AM
Kris, I understand this challenge. I think, since the shock of cancer, I've been easier on myself: lowering the bar in some ways. What I really seek is not passing opportunity. Even if I don't succeed at something, knowing I tried is a victory in and of itself which I pat myself on the back for and continue on. We will always have faults, life is never perfect, but life LIVED is a victory in any case. Maybe that helps?

Halo Infinity
09-20-2013, 09:45 AM
Oh, I knew I forgot to mention something. This very easily ties into people-pleasing too. And yes, it does. Thank you for reminding me about that. Trying while giving it your all can and would be a victory in and of itself. And yeah, as a huge fault of mine, I'm still working on it. It comes with having an "All-or-Nothing" personality.

xmd 5a
09-22-2013, 03:47 AM
I really relate to the perfectionism thing on a personal level. I feel proud/excited about others' achievements often, but very rarely of my own. I have a hell of a lot of trouble accepting compliments/praise and tend to think that people are just being polite when they say nice things about me/stuff I do. I never really pat myself on the back in earnest because I feel like most of what I do is passable-at-best in comparison to this crazy unrealistic standard I set myself in my head.

Halo Infinity
09-23-2013, 02:53 PM
My confidence and pride are still shot from time to time, but I think it's remembering and realizing what I'm fortunate enough to have and what I should be thankful for that keeps me going.

(That is, aside from me wanting to make something out of myself in the future, and stay out of trouble, even though I had some erratic and reckless ups and downs both emotionally and mentally.)

Then again, that's exactly what I should've been doing my entire life. It's also still hard to forgive myself though. Then again forgiveness was always challenging to me in general.

It's not even because I'm always angry, loathsome, vindictive, and resentful. A lot of my troubles with forgiveness are also based on an enormous amount of fear and depression. You could even say that I tend to get paranoid and hypersensitive when hurt really bad from others, or even among myself. It really is true that how you forgive or don't forgive yourself can also reflect and affect your approach on forgiveness to others as well. And it's not that I never ever forgive, unless it really is an unforgivable act, but it just never came easy to me. It's also why I don't walk around expecting forgiveness as if I'm entitled to it, which is why I try to treat people right the first time around.

frankie teardrop
09-23-2013, 03:48 PM
i'm a depressive overthinker. glass perpetually half empty and tastes that run on the nightmarish/dark side but generally content overall on most days. my biggest problem lately is overthinking things or empathizing too much with others' issues to the point of stressing myself out, but i'm mostly in good shape these days if this is my biggest issue. i also have a temper, but i usually curb it looooonnnnng before it gets past the point of being snippy/cranky.

this is all somewhat of a self diagnosis... it used to be worse, and while i get really low/depressed at certain points, i've tried therapy, only to show up armed with my own solutions and talk myself through it immediately. i've been dismissed from therapy sessions by doctors who say i don't need medication and need to come back (seriously, what therapist does this?) so i've just kept on getting myself out of binds, with the occasional sad bastard day that's severe for a little while and goes away in time. those days i generally can't get off the couch and order food that's awful for me for comfort, then figure out what's wrong and work through it by either talking myself down (if i feel i'm overthinking) or make steps to improve it (like i am with applying for a teacher fellowship program to get out of this dead end job).

so back to self diagnosis, i assume that's just depression. my ex-best friend is manic and bipolar and i definitely don't have that... just generally on the lower side of things on most days, but it doesn't really affect me or my day-to-day life. i've learned to live with it.

as a fan of achewood, i've always felt that comic NAILS that sort of feeling, though of course, roast beef's depression is near constant. but this is how it feels when i get in that really low state:

http://achewood.com/comic.php?date=12052006

Halo Infinity
09-24-2013, 08:27 AM
I just thought I'd take a moment and use this thread to admit that it does make me wonder when I see people that are proud over little to nothing. In some cases, perhaps it could be better because they seem to be happier than those that are usually or only proud of big accomplishments. That is, unless they're just being that way as an excuse to get away with being lazy and arrogant. (Which I have actually seen before. I don't get it either, with the exception of obstinate denial.)

For instance, I could definitely understand being proud of graduating from college and getting a stable and lucrative career, or managing to steadily work at jobs you're skilled at, interested in and actually care for without missing a beat. Or perhaps even being proud of the things you've gotten as a result of hard and honest work. I also believe that being productive, having a good worth-ethic as a hard worker, and being self-sufficient altogether are among some of the qualities that are a requirement in order to actually be a good person.

Another thing I could definitely understand in terms of pride is being able to accomplish things without the help of others. (And yes, I get how selfish and narcissistic that could sound and be, kind of like the one's that are proud of little to nothing, but on the opposite side of the spectrum.)

sentient02970
09-24-2013, 11:52 AM
Kris, I think you're brushing against the idea that pride can be a two edged sword. On one hand, it can be healthy to have some pride in what you do and accomplish. But when you outwardly advertise that pride, you start looking egotistical and a bit narcissistic. So with pride, balance becomes the art. Feeling good about oneself and a level of confidence is the best effect from it. But the bad could be being too proud and arrogant. I think that's where I sense you are taking this. I sometimes suffer from the very opposite issue, I become too self-effacing and advertise what seems to be a low self esteem. It's mostly because I don't like people of arrogance and therefore counter-balance any level of pride with humility. I don't think it's ever been very healthy for me to be this way and it's what I touch upon in weekly therapy. Thank god I'm off the meds ;)

marodi
09-24-2013, 12:21 PM
Well, the Rivotril is making me sleepy and very mellow yellowish which isn't bad.

And about the pride thing: at this time in my life, I'm most proud of the little things like taking the bus (which causes me anxiety like you couldn't believe). Going to the store to buy Hesitation Mark was an exploit; my anxiety disorder is so severe that I don't want anyone around me when I'm looking at CDs, I don't want the cashier to talk to me about what I'm buying (even if they were to say "hey, Nails are cool" to which I would answer by punching them for having called NIN "nails"), in short: I don't want anyone to look at me, talk to me about anything. That's why I love the Internet: no human contact.

There was a time when I wanted to become a cloistered nun; not because I had a calling for it but just because I would cease to have contact with the outside world.

I had a rebellious period at the end of 2008 up to the middle of 2009 when I went to see NIN in Montreal and in Toronto by myself. It was so uncharacteristic of me that my mother and my best friend were convinced I was going there to kill myself. It took me so much energy that I completely crashed the rest of 2009 and I barely got out of my place.

Up to this point, my whole life has been a living hell. I'm hanging on to the hope that the meds plus the therapy will give me some relief.

sentient02970
09-24-2013, 12:27 PM
Cheering you on here marodi! You will see progress in medication and therapy, give it some time. It sounds like you are very aware of where you are at with it all and that is a big part of moving forward. My best to you.

Pillfred
09-24-2013, 12:49 PM
marodi Good Luck!

I've been seeing a counselor, or was till i got broke and busy but should be back this week if i can work it out recently. My mom told me to do it some time ago to help figure out why i was so angry as she put it. Probably should have. I've never be diagnosed with anything but Im fairly certain i get depressed from time to time more so than just sad. I also tend to have anxiety issues and irrational fears presumably left over from my childhood. I also wonder if it may not just be PTSD from the surgeries i had on my foot when i was younger. It didn't occur to me till fairly recently that may be part of it. It all started from a comment my mother made about how there really isn't any baby pictures of me cause every time they would try and take one i would start crying, she said it was because i said pictures hurt. Im guess this is because of the X-rays on my foot. This is pure speculation on my part but it makes sense in a way cause i've always kind of been this way as far back as i can remember. Been meaning to ask my counsler about it but haven't yet. I can relate a lot to what frankie teardrop said as thats how i tend to be. I do okay at trying to balance it out with a optimism but i can swing pretty low if given enough time to sit and dwell on shit. I will say I have grown more comfortable with myself and have started to recognize what can set me off as ive gotten older so that helps some. I think the biggest thing recently that has helped is ive had a few ego smashing experiences that have helped me realize im not some completely tragic enigma after all, or if i am so be it.

Halo Infinity
09-24-2013, 03:58 PM
@Kris (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=244), I think you're brushing against the idea that pride can be a two edged sword. On one hand, it can be healthy to have some pride in what you do and accomplish. But when you outwardly advertise that pride, you start looking egotistical and a bit narcissistic. So with pride, balance becomes the art. Feeling good about oneself and a level of confidence is the best effect from it. But the bad could be being too proud and arrogant. I think that's where I sense you are taking this. I sometimes suffer from the very opposite issue, I become too self-effacing and advertise what seems to be a low self esteem. It's mostly because I don't like people of arrogance and therefore counter-balance any level of pride with humility. I don't think it's ever been very healthy for me to be this way and it's what I touch upon in weekly therapy. Thank god I'm off the meds ;)
I just thought about it again, and I didn't realize that I could've worded it better. I think I was referring more to the negative and positive side of pride regardless of the size, and I still think that something could be off if not exactly wrong when people are proud over nothing.

And yes, double-edged sword is right. The bigger they are, the harder they fall is a quote that can certainly be applied to egos. :p

Pillfred
09-25-2013, 01:37 AM
Arrogance I think is what you were after. Pride can be trouble but generally I think what one sees most is arrogance. Pride in a good job etc., is one thing being an arrogant fuck is another. Maybe I'm overreaching but that's what comes to my mind.

Halo Infinity
09-25-2013, 08:01 AM
Yes, I was mostly going after arrogance, even though the two of them can be confused with each other, or seem to be one and the same. And yes, what you've said is also what I've had in mind.

As for another problem I've had emotionally, it's anger and depression, but I feel like anger makes me bad person, or at least makes me look like one. I've been skimming through some of my posts, and while I'm thankful I didn't create any beefs with anybody, it is a rather shameful display sometimes. I've also mentioned that I actually avoid expressing it since I don't know how to deal with it here, so I end up bottling it up even when I think I'm not, since holding it in for just a few moments could lead to you holding it in for a whole lot longer. It becomes like a second nature, so I sometimes don't even realize it when it's actually happening. And like several other things, I really need to work on that too. Oh, and depression is still connected, because when the anger is gone, the depression finds its way to take over through feelings of shame and regret.

I'm just thankful my anger isn't as horrible as it used to be around 8 to 15 years ago and so on. It was one of the biggest reasons why I had a hard time getting along with school. And now as an adult, I completely understand why it's an enormous deal when a child or a teen, even as young as 7 to 15 doesn't get along with school, since that can have adverse mental and emotional problems into one's adulthood making it hard for them to adapt and adjust to what society demands/requires out of a hardworking, responsible, productive, peaceful, mentally stable, and law-abiding citizen, since school isn't just about getting a job/career. It's also about learning how to function and behave in a civilized society. (Which would obviously increase their chances of making wise and healthy decisions, as opposed to foolish and detrimental decisions.)

And I foolishly didn't realize that until I was 18, but even then, my anger was a whole lot worse. (Which is probably among the reasons why I had a hard time adjusting to the old ETS, regardless of how the moderation/posters were at the time.)

And yes, I also have ADHD, and read about the horrendous anger, self-loathing, hypersenistivity, paranoia, and depression attached to it. It described me to a T, regardless of the article.

sentient02970
09-25-2013, 08:17 AM
Kris, over the past year I've kind of made a deal with anger. I understand it's a completely NATURAL emotion to have and OK to express but I also know it's not something I want to define my personality. So yes, like you, I mostly just bury and bottle it but I also am finding ways to dissipate it in a natural way. Life's too short to make a big deal out of most everything so, in general, I let things kind of just roll off the shoulder. This can be tough to get accustomed to but I find it stresses me out so much less than if I just go on an anger rant over small things. I think that is the real challenge.

Halo Infinity
09-25-2013, 12:03 PM
I understand it's a completely NATURAL emotion to have and OK to express but I also know it's not something I want to define my personality. So yes, like you, I mostly just bury and bottle it but I also am finding ways to dissipate it in a natural way. Life's too short to make a big deal out of most everything so, in general, I let things kind of just roll off the shoulder.
Oh, I'm definitely aware of that too, although I still need to practice it more and more. I suppose it would also help if I didn't always associate anger with hatred, violence, revenge, and sadism, as I can see how anger can still exist without those things. And aside from letting it roll off my shoulders, I noticed that it also helps to question why I'm angry and what would I hope not to get myself into.

And like other things again, it's sometimes far easier said than done, but it has certainly kept me out of trouble, which is more than great since I don't want to spend any part of my life in prison, and/or just make a complete ass of myself, or get my ass kicked, or have my life cut short. And well, anger can make us do stupid things too.

But so far, it thankfully isn't an issue for me right now. I'm just doing my own thing, laying low, and minding my own business on my spare time, while doing my best to not start shit with others whenever I'm out and about. That seems to work most of the time anyway.

Corona Radiata
09-27-2013, 06:30 PM
Found out I was diagnosed with psychosis yesterday. What a bunch of horseshit.

sukey
09-27-2013, 07:24 PM
Depression with a recent and new appearance from anxiety over here. I'm on citalopram and I have a little stash of Xanax hidden away from when I lived in France.
Talking therapy was amazing for me, I think I really hit the jackpot with my therapist. We clicked completely and I had a very honest and trusting relationship with her. However, we had to end our work together when I moved back to the UK which sucked because I didn't feel nearly finished. I'm going to try the counselling service offered by my uni here but you only get six sessions so I don't have high hopes.
Giving up drinking has helped me a lot but it's been coupled with a loss of identity (I was a party girl) that I'm really struggling with. 90% of the social events I go to involve alcohol and it really makes me feel lonely and down watching from the outside. Aside from that, exercise helps with de stressing and centering myself.

Halo Infinity
09-28-2013, 03:16 PM
I sometimes can't believe what kind of loose cannon I turn into whenever my emotions become too overwhelming. It just reminds me that I'm better off being AFK whenever I'm feeling less than okay. If you see anything that looked very off-base, that really was me when my emotions were anything but on the ball, and I obviously don't mean any harm in ETS. I sometimes post things only to delete them minutes or hours later. That just goes to show that I should only post with a clear mind. I also thought of posting it here as a mental note to myself, and to give people a further idea as to what kind of person I am emotionally. I also thought that this was the right topic for it too.

binaryhermit
09-28-2013, 04:52 PM
I'm kinda like what Kris said about himself (or at least I assume it's himself. Sorry if I'm wrong.).

Dryalex12
09-28-2013, 05:41 PM
So I have both Aspergers and ADHD....not one of the other
Chronically Depressive to have suicidal thoughts (which rarely happens even when I go to bed with The Downward Spiral playing all night)

miss k bee
09-29-2013, 02:13 PM
On Paroxetine for social anxiety. Now reducing the dose to come off it. Not easy. I can feel myself worrying more about stuff esp my parents who are elderly.

Halo Infinity
09-29-2013, 02:20 PM
I just thought I'd like to say thanks to those in general that have offered me advice and relatable words with understanding and patience. It was all very much appreciated. I know I'll grow old and die, but I want to make the choice to grow old and die happy too. :)

Halo Infinity
09-30-2013, 06:12 PM
Disclaimer: I told you my emotions were fucked up. (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/threads/139-Random-NIN-Thoughts?p=137762#post137762) :p

I'm sure I'm not alone here, but I still sometimes find myself encountering self-loathing emotions and suicidal thoughts. Thank goodness I've never acted out my suicidal thoughts, but it truly is by far one of the worst forms of depression I have ever experienced as it manages to completely obliterate my self-worth, motivation, confidence, and overall purpose of living. It has tormented me in the past before, but it thankfully hasn't completely taken me over. Do you have any advice on how to deal with it? (Assuming that you've also occasionally wrestled with such emotions and thoughts?)

marodi
09-30-2013, 07:09 PM
Do you have suicidal thoughts right now? I'm a bit worried about you.

I've had suicidal thoughts in the past (the last time, I was actually verbalizing them and my mother called the cops) and what had always stopped me was thinking about the impact my death would have on others. When my mom called the cops, she showed me she cared about me and she wanted me to live.

My advice would be to talk to someone; if you have someone in your life that's close enough to you that you can say to them "hey, I'm not doing well and I'm thinking about killing myself" and that they would listen to you and be the rational voice in that moment then go to them. If not, I'm sure there must be a phone line you can call and where you would find help.

When we are in the suicidal "space" of mind, we don't think rationally. We don't see the whole picture. We only see one way to end the suffering when in fact, there are other ways; much better ways. As a last resort, I'd say call 911 if you have to.

Just talk to someone and don't listen to your inner voice because that voice is telling you LIES.

Halo Infinity
10-01-2013, 01:09 AM
Do you have suicidal thoughts right now? I'm a bit worried about you.
Yes, they seem to come and go. I also appreciate your concern. And sometimes it's not necessarily about killing myself, but me telling myself that I shouldn't have been born, which can hurt just as bad.


I've had suicidal thoughts in the past (the last time, I was actually verbalizing them and my mother called the cops) and what had always stopped me was thinking about the impact my death would have on others. When my mom called the cops, she showed me she cared about me and she wanted me to live.
I haven't gone to that point though, but I've been having those thoughts since I was around 11-12.


My advice would be to talk to someone; if you have someone in your life that's close enough to you that you can say to them "hey, I'm not doing well and I'm thinking about killing myself" and that they would listen to you and be the rational voice in that moment then go to them. If not, I'm sure there must be a phone line you can call and where you would find help.
It wasn't to the point where I thought of actually doing it, but my conscience would seem to tell me that everybody and everything on this planet would be better off if I wasn't here. (To put it lightly.)


When we are in the suicidal "space" of mind, we don't think rationally. We don't see the whole picture. We only see one way to end the suffering when in fact, there are other ways; much better ways. As a last resort, I'd say call 911 if you have to.

Just talk to someone and don't listen to your inner voice because that voice is telling you LIES.
Thank you for reminding me about these very facts. And yes, it goes to show that I can't always trust my conscience.

Khrz
10-01-2013, 02:28 AM
I'm sure I'm not alone here, but I still sometimes find myself encountering self-loathing emotions and suicidal thoughts.

Right in the middle of it right now. Recently realized I shoot myself in the head to sleep every day, which caaaan't be too good. When the only way to find inner peace is to stage your own self-destruction, it's really time to seek help.
Told my girlfriend I wasn't well at all, but I didn't mention the self-destructive thoughts, she would freak the fuck out and I really don't need that. The chances that I act upon those thoughts are infinitesimal anyway, and I keep myself in check during the day, it's just when the day is over that it floods back.

But yeah, you're not alone there.

Halo Infinity
10-01-2013, 03:43 PM
Perhaps I should just take some time to reflect, or even sleep. That sometimes alleviates my qualms a lot.

Halo Infinity
10-17-2013, 09:50 PM
I still don't know how to express sadness and anger properly. I just try to hide those emotions the best I can, but that obviously doesn't always work. And if it always did, I wouldn't have even thought of making this post, let alone post in this thread. As of now, I still have fears of getting hurt the more I open up.

Jinsai
10-19-2013, 09:02 PM
I'm trying some new pills, not sure how I feel about them. They're supposed to help with chronic depression.

Swykk
10-20-2013, 12:55 AM
What I'm doing isn't working. I'm going to have to try something else.

Joy Prevention Hotline
10-20-2013, 03:27 AM
Well. I finally had to go looking for help in 2005, when I had a headache that wouldn't go away (it's still there, but most any kind of medication I'm taking will tamp it down enough that I can ignore it) and I just couldn't control my emotions under even mild stress.

I'm quite sure my problems started when I was in elementary school, even though I don't remember any of it. But depression started messing with my life for real when I was in college. I guess I'm functional, but not enough to dare moving out of my parents' house. Everyone seems to agree it's best that way, even if I am 46.

No one's sure what exactly my problem is. The depression seems to be a symptom of something else, and easier to control than the emotional instability. My biggest problem these days is that Prozac screws up my sleep (which was never normal to begin with) but does a better job keeping me on an even keel than anything else I've tried. After a few months of it I slip into another time zone — waking up in the morning is a huge effort, and I'm exhausted by mid afternoon. So I'm learning to pull back before I fall into the hole.

I felt that happening three weeks ago, so once again I stopped taking the Prozac. But I was also taking a low dose of melatonin to see if it would help me stay in this time zone, and even though it didn't work I decided to keep it going for a while.

Now I'm not only sleeping pretty normally (for me) but feeling good emotionally as well. As late as the 9th I still didn't know if I could drive myself to the Uncasville show and back — 140 miles round trip — but by Friday I was feeling stronger than I have all year. I'd planned to restart the Prozac shortly after the show, but I think I'll hold off and see how things go. If I find myself screaming at other drivers on my commute or threatening to break my glass desk every time my computer looks at me funny, then I'll know it's time to go back.

So. I'm hoping this thread will help me feel more at home here … I'm not comfortable socially, and I feel even more out of place in a crowd of NIN fans. But I'm drawn to the music despite having absolutely no one to share it with.

somethingelse
10-22-2013, 03:51 AM
… I'm not comfortable socially, and I feel even more out of place in a crowd of NIN fans. But I'm drawn to the music despite having absolutely no one to share it with.

This upcoming NIN concert in Australia is the first time I'll be in a large flock of people for years. It's only because it's NIN. It's great QOTSA are playing, but my anxiety wishes it was a NIN headline. That 'might-as-well-be-physically-naked' feeling of fear is going to take an arse tonne of Valium to get me through.
All the best JPH, there's a few of us who feel it too and it sounds like you're on a better path, good luck!

halloween
10-22-2013, 06:26 PM
My downstairs neighbour is legitimately off her meds and it's been scaring the fuck out of me. Someone I became quite friendly to during a month and suddenly she was insulting me and saying the most paranoid things. I haven't run into her since thankfully since she's been in and out of here (going to the hospital trying get better meds or something.) I can hear her yelling at her husband and man, I feel so bad for him but have to admire him staying with her through such a difficult mental problem she apparently has.

Joy Prevention Hotline
10-22-2013, 06:40 PM
My downstairs neighbour is legitimately off her meds and it's been scaring the fuck out of me. Someone I became quite friendly to during a month and suddenly she was insulting me and saying the most paranoid things.
Thankfully I don't get that bad. But today I notice my patience has worn really thin again — other drivers are pissing me off and I'm reacting before my higher brain functions can advise me to let it go. And I'm not tolerating interruptions well at work.

Klonopin can take the edge off — when I have the presence of mind to notice the need for it — but it's not the same. And getting off it after extended use is no fun at all. :(

So it looks like it's time to restart the Prozac. I've come to the conclusion this is more art than science, and from what I can tell the best place to be is in transition. Once the Prozac levels off I start sleeping too much and my overall energy is pathetic. But let it wear off and I go back to the dark side.

On balance, oversleeping is better than threatening to run people off the road and alienating my coworkers. But I'm always trying to reach that middle ground — and stay there as long as possible.

Halo Infinity
10-22-2013, 08:19 PM
I have a very strong feeling and conviction that it's very possible that most of my anxieties when it comes to dealing with people and school has to do with my history of getting bullied and having ADHD, and I'm also one of those people that don't believe bullying ends by the time high school ends. (Since bullying is usually more of a mental/emotional conflict in adulthood through abusive/aggressive/manipulative relationships, "friends" professors, advisors, students, employees, and bosses. And perhaps it's beyond that if you're dealing with criminals and gangsters, but as far as most situations go, that's besides the point.)

And I'm not trying to even say I should blame it all on my past, but it still seems to be a huge factor when it comes to thoughts and emotions of fear, insecurity, and sadness. I've sometimes found myself expecting to be attacked when there was no real reason for it. (As I've mentioned about being paranoid time and time again.)

What has been working though, was to just worry about what I can control, and what matters for me in the now and fix it, and like many other things, I still have yet to work on that, but I'm not giving up as I've had more than enough wake-up calls to get back on the horse in spite of my disheartened psyche. (I also use any terms mentioned loosely as I haven't studied psychology intensively and thoroughly.)

Joy Prevention Hotline
10-22-2013, 08:35 PM
I have a very strong feeling and conviction that it's very possible that most of my anxieties when it comes to dealing with people and school has to do with my history of bullying and ADHD, and I'm also one of those people that don't believe bullying ends by the time high school ends.
I was just thinking tonight that driving — in the Northeast anyway — is like high school all over again. (The bullies may or may not be the same people; all I can see are SUVs, BMWs and modded Hondas.) But somehow I did a better job of shrugging it off back then. I guess having a 75 mph hunk of steel at my command makes me more inclined to fight back. I end up being more dangerous than they are. :(


And I'm not trying to even say I should blame it all on my past, but it still seems to be a huge factor when it comes to thoughts and emotions of fear, insecurity, and sadness. I've sometimes found myself expecting to be attacked when there was no real reason for it. (As I've mentioned about being paranoid time and time again.)
Fear is exactly my problem on the road. Prozac makes me more-or-less unperturbable, which is why I'm inclined to put up with the downsides … to a point.

I don't know if a history of being bullied is a prerequisite for anxiety as an adult. But it probably sets up a pattern for how we respond to it.

Joy Prevention Hotline
10-22-2013, 08:40 PM
I should mention that I'm not terribly good at expressing empathy, even when I am feeling it. So if it seems like I'm tuning the rest of you out and getting totally wrapped up in myself, it's only half true.

I'm still working on the other half. But I am listening.

Halo Infinity
10-23-2013, 08:24 PM
marodi - I'm definitely taking your word for it. I really have to tell "that voice" to STFU. My emotions are sometimes on quite the roller-coaster sometimes and it really sucks so hard. And for what it's worth, thank you for your understanding and advice. I'll definitely take it to heart. :)

InsecureSpike
10-24-2013, 04:02 AM
I had a trigger last nite and my bad is back and all is really really perfect

Halo Infinity
10-25-2013, 01:59 PM
I think my difficulties with multitasking are most likely derived from my ADHD. I could see how my ADHD had an impact on my lack of emotional stability, social skills, and math skills though, but I really didn't accept or fully realize that it could've been the bane to any multitasking skills I've had since I usually find myself preferring doing one thing at a time. The only few exceptions I'd have for multitasking were things that required little to no effort or though at all, such as eating, drinking and watching TV or using the computer at the same time, or listening to music while typing on an Internet forum or social-networking site.

But as far as things requiring real effort and work, it does take a lot of energy for me to focus on one thing, which is why I'd normally prefer to just do one thing at time, with everything organized right before me. Any distractions, messes, and interruptions just seems to mess up my flow altogether, but granted, I still need to work on that. I also thought that I knew my ADHD like the back of my hand, but I was apparently dead wrong.

Jinsai
10-27-2013, 02:01 PM
so I was liking (more or less) the pills the doctor had me on, and then last night I found myself sleep walking for the first time in my life. Scary as hell.

Joy Prevention Hotline
10-27-2013, 05:12 PM
so I was liking (more or less) the pills the doctor had me on, and then last night I found myself sleep walking for the first time in my life. Scary as hell.
That would … freak me out.

Jinsai
10-28-2013, 02:04 PM
That would … freak me out.

Yeah... it's strange. The situation sounds sorta comic in a way, but the reality of it was absolutely horrifying. It was like waking up out of a confusing nightmare into a more confusing nightmare.

Halo Infinity
10-30-2013, 08:12 AM
I really wish there was a right and tactful way to express how bad I am at trusting and forgiving others sometimes, and the paranoia and hypersensitivity that comes with it. I also wish there was a right way to discuss my self-loathing and suicidal ideation without making people worry, but I doubt most people would understand. And not that I've actually acted it out, as I wouldn't be here to talk about it, but my conscience sometimes tells me that things probably would've been much better off I never was, or ceased being. (I think that's what lead me to subscribe to some antinatalist views.) I apparently still need to work on overcoming those demons, since they're very mentally and emotionally debilitating.

Expressing myself also still seems to help, as I've been bottling up my emotions for years, and this seems to be one of the right places to do it on the Internet. And whether I like it or not, bottling things up certainly hurts a whole lot more sometimes.

Pillfred
10-30-2013, 12:18 PM
I think what you have here is a good start. Just drop it in bits and pieces. Obviously if you unload everything you may sound like a nutter, but if you go with little bits at a time it won't come off as bad imo. I've found it also helps with just being able to talk about it. Everyone is dealing with something. Some seem to handle it better than others is all.

Joy Prevention Hotline
10-30-2013, 05:24 PM
My life isn't a gift — it's just existing, and I don't enjoy it. Being dead is something I can look forward to.

But I'm still here after all these years, so I guess things have to get a lot worse before I even try to do myself in.

Apathy: “Whatever” is Forever. :rolleyes:

Halo Infinity
10-30-2013, 09:28 PM
I think what you have here is a good start. Just drop it in bits and pieces. Obviously if you unload everything you may sound like a nutter, but if you go with little bits at a time it won't come off as bad imo. I've found it also helps with just being able to talk about it. Everyone is dealing with something. Some seem to handle it better than others is all.
Aside from looking and sounding like a nutter, it looks like most people assume that everybody loves themselves and wants to get to know people, and be around people. I had a hard time understanding that, but that usually seems to be the case and the norm. It's just my observation, since it also looks very weird to insert any pieces of negativity about yourself and how you deal with others in small talk, even if there is time to actually discuss it.

Joy Prevention Hotline
10-30-2013, 09:59 PM
Aside from looking and sounding like a nutter, it looks like most people assume that everybody loves themselves and wants to get to know people, and be around people. I had a hard time understanding that, but that usually seems to be the case and the norm. It's just my observation, since it also looks very weird to insert any pieces of negativity about yourself and how you deal with others in small talk, even if there is time to actually discuss it.
If you stay outside the conversation people think you're being standoffish (or so I always assume); open your mouth and you sound dour. Can't win.

Real-time communication just isn't my strong suit. With the right medication I can lighten up enough to pass as dry witted — even entertainingly sarcastic — but email is easier to cope with. Asynchrony rules.

Halo Infinity
10-30-2013, 10:46 PM
I'm just thankful for this place being the one few areas of life where I can open up about stuff like this, since I'm forced to keep it to myself in real life. People are quick to tell me to get therapy or professional help. (Not that it's wrong, but I've been to counseling and therapy so many times in my earlier years. I'm tired of it.) And yes, I seem write better than I speak too.

Joy Prevention Hotline
10-30-2013, 11:32 PM
People are quick to tell me to get therapy or professional help. (Not that it's wrong, but I've been to counseling and therapy so many times in my earlier years. I'm tired of it.) And yes, I seem write better than I speak too.
Talking obviously has benefits or this thread wouldn't exist, but IMO sitting down with a therapist is a waste of money if you have a decent amount of self-awareness, and it seems like you do. But have you ever worked with a psychiatrist? Even if the drugs are more art than science, at least the results are visible* and repeatable on short timescales. It can be discouraging at times, but I think perfectionism is an advantage here — as long as you don't give up too easily.

I've got a great working relationship with my psychiatrist. He makes good suggestions but trusts me to (usually) know what's going on in my head better than anyone else could. There's never any question that I'm the driver.

* If I'd known how visible, I would have started a lot sooner. A real eye-opener.

Halo Infinity
10-30-2013, 11:49 PM
I just want to get this off my chest while the thought is still there, but I'm realizing more and more that it's actually very taboo to admit any mood or desire that suggests you don't want to be around people. I really hate that, because any slight utterance of such thoughts can easily come across as, "I fucking hate people! I can't stand them. Everybody can just fuck right the fuck off!" I don't feel this way all the time, but the less people I "have" to talk to and be around, the better. I even stressed this in The Friendship Thread and The Introvert Thread, and it's not always based on fear/hate/anger, but preference.

@Joy Prevention Hotline (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=3789) - Oh, and I know I just jumped to another topic with in this topic, but I really appreciate whatever dialogue I'm able to have here. And yes, you're right, it certainly helps. Thank you for listening/reading. :)

Charmingly Miserable
10-31-2013, 12:06 AM
I just want to get this off my chest while the thought is still there, but I'm realizing more and more that it's actually very taboo to admit any mood or desire that suggests you don't want to be around people. I really hate that, because any slight utterance of such thoughts can easily come across as, "I fucking hate people! I can't stand them. Everybody can just fuck right the fuck off!" I don't feel this way all the time, but the less people I "have" to talk to and be around, the better. I even stressed this in The Friendship Thread and The Introvert Thread, and it's not always based on fear/hate/anger, but preference.


I totally get you. Do you feel that you operate better when you are not around people?

My quick mental health story: I've been battling with mental health issues since I was a kid. Fast forward to 3 years ago, I ended up doing an outpatient stint at a hospital. Then 2.5 years ago, I ended up 5150 and spent 5 days in hell. I've been off of meds for nearly 2 years now and I've never felt better. I see my therapist whenever I need to but I'm doing great. Point being, I've seen all sides of ugly and "happiness"- so I know.

Halo Infinity
10-31-2013, 08:32 AM
I totally get you. Do you feel that you operate better when you are not around people?
Perhaps not all the time, but most of the time. It also depends on the people that are around me. However, I probably should have taken the advice that suggests to fake it until I make it more seriously and literally because I'm realizing more and more that you sometimes have to pretend to be a team player in order to move on and get by in life. (In other words, it has really taught me that I have to sometimes cut out my absolutely silent or absolutely direct approach, since both extremes have gotten me in trouble.)

Joy Prevention Hotline
10-31-2013, 10:38 AM
I hate everything today. Don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't fucking breathe on me.

Joy Prevention Hotline
10-31-2013, 01:16 PM
It must be the medication. I wouldn't feel so overwhelmingly wrong under normal circumstances (even if "normal" for me isn't exactly normal).

Sleep usually fixes it, so I'm gonna have to take a nap before I go home … otherwise I'll be a menace to everyone else. :(

Baphomette
10-31-2013, 01:32 PM
Which med(s) are you taking? Wellbutrin by any chance?

Joy Prevention Hotline
10-31-2013, 01:45 PM
Prozac, though I haven't really noticed a difference between it and Wellbutrin aside from the price.

Usually I get this … I dunno, "nihilist-dyspeptic" feeling from other stuff, like Strattera or Zoloft. But I am trying something new this time, taking the smallest available dosage every other day (aiming for 5mg/day). Could be a combination of that and the change in the weather — the effects of both should be temporary.

Halo Infinity
11-01-2013, 11:50 PM
This definitely has to belong in this thread. I'm realizing more and more that I don't know how to joke with others, as I have a tendency to take things personally. I also have a hard time forgetting the bad things and letting them go. It's sometimes very hard for me to tell the difference between somebody that's joking or being genuinely mean. I also noticed that there really are lots of people that wouldn't give somebody that has a hard time forgiving and/or trusting others the time of day. I suppose that my lack of confidence is also a turn-off as well.

All I just did was stress how much I don't want to get hurt, but that seems to drive people away. I thought that if I was crystal clear about it, people would be understanding and accommodating to my personality, but instead, I'm given the cold shoulder or even the stink eye, even on the Internet. I would even go as far as saying something to the effect of: "I need to know that I can trust you. I'm afraid of getting hurt."

1. So is it true that nobody would like to be friends with somebody that has a hard time forgiving and trusting others?

2. Is it also true that most people wouldn't want to be friends with somebody that also has a hard time telling the difference between joking and being mean? (I'm not good at "poking fun with others", "busting chops/balls", or "yanking chains.")

3. And nobody wants to be friends with somebody that'll remember just about every bad thing you said and did, right?

4. Does being fearful of others also make somebody become unappealing to be around? (I think that's one of the reasons why I've been called uptight, or a killjoy.)

My lack of forgiveness and trust isn't always about anger and bitterness either, as I have this constant fear of getting hurt and betrayed, and getting people's bad sides. I'm also afraid of giving people a reason to hurt me. That's why I'm nice to people to start with, aside from it being the right thing to do, who knows what'll happen if you piss off the wrong person/people at the wrong place, at the wrong time? I figured this part of my personality is probably too much for some people to put up with. As of now, I don't bring it up, and only brought it up here, because this seemed to still be one of those correct places to do it.

I really thought it's just as simple as, "You treat me right, and I'll treat you right.", but it sometimes seems to be far more complicated than that. And now you know a huge reason as to why I tend to stay alone and keep things to myself in real life. Oh, and I'm not trying to say that I stopped believing in forgiveness, or that I'm completely opposed to forgiveness. It's just that I'm just very weak/horrible at it.

This also ironically made me look like the bad guy too, as I have also pissed people off, or hurt people's feelings with these aspects of my guarded personality, sometimes without even realizing it at first. And I really am serious. Some jokes really look like disses, and it's not always easy to tell if I'm being attacked or not.

-Oh, and you obviously don't have to answer my questions if you don't want to. I was just blowing off some steam, which sort of seems to help.-

Joy Prevention Hotline
11-02-2013, 11:50 AM
I'm surprised just how much of that can come from the mood I'm in. Feeling stressed/frustrated/depressed makes everyone around me look like a threat. And when I can't hide those feelings they react badly, and the feedback loop just reinforces itself. No amount of self-awareness can stop it from happening.

It's only when some kind of medication breaks the cycle that I can see the best in people, and care about their feelings as much as my own. The transition never ceases to amaze me, which is why I keep trying to get around the side effects any way I can.

Other people may achieve the same effect with something other than drugs, but this is what works for me.

Halo Infinity
11-02-2013, 11:48 PM
I'm beginning to wonder if a lack of smiling and laughter can eventually bring you down. I sometimes just try to see how long I can go without smiling and laughing, and I've got to admit that it does feel like something is missing after a while. It took me a while to get it, but perhaps that's why it seems like so many people seem to find as many reasons to smile and laugh as possible.

Joy Prevention Hotline
11-03-2013, 01:34 AM
I'm beginning to wonder if a lack of smiling and laughter can eventually bring you down.
I dunno. Some people claim that the mere act of smiling can bring you out of a funk, and I actually tried that on Friday as an experiment. But it ended up looking (and feeling) like a bad facelift.


I sometimes just try to see how long I can go without smiling and laughing, and I've got to admit that it does feel like something is missing after a while.
You have to try not to smile? Jesus — that's my natural state. I'm not sure I could spin it as a deadpan expression, either. Just dead.

But this is another one of those things that the drugs can switch on and off for me. (You've got knack for hitting my particular nails on the head.) Some of them make smiling and laughter almost effortless — maybe even to the point that it would take an effort not to — but with others I just never have the desire and/or energy. That makes me think that their absence is more effect than cause, but maybe it varies from person to person.

Anyone else here find they can change moods just by trying hard enough? Or have Kris and I sucked all the air out of this thread…? ;)

Halo Infinity
11-03-2013, 11:06 AM
Oh, I don't try not to, it's just that it isn't always necessary or possible. (Sorry about that, as it was a poor choice of worlds. It's more like, I've seen how far I can go without smiling and laughing.) And yeah, I have a feeling we could've sucked the air out of this thread too, but I've got to admit that venting like this sometimes does help, provided I don't say something so stupid and over-the-top that it starts a fight. And well, thanks to those that have listened, and have given relatable stores and supportive advice.

It's still appreciated, but I also suppose it's about time I give it a rest here too, and just try to figure out some of this shit on my own. :p

Pillfred
11-03-2013, 11:59 AM
When I get in a funk I just go out and about. I'm easily amused so I tend to find all manner of things funny. I think because I laugh easy and fairly often is one of the reasons I get by for sure. Granted it sometimes has its base in cynicism but whatever. And yes if I catch myself in time a good laugh can turn things around if even just for a bit.

Halo Infinity
11-04-2013, 09:37 PM
I think I'm finally burnt out on this topic as of now. I've already let icklekitty know about it, but also thought I'd post it one more time in this this thread for all to see. I'm sure I was able to carry on with it for so long because I've been bottling up most of these issues for 10-15+ years, and haven't been opening up about it as of late, and have used ETS to vent, hopefully with in reason and decency. I'm just thankful that there were understanding people here, and I've always appreciated whatever advice came my way. I really appreciate it. But yeah, it has certainly boosted up my post count, which definitely exceeded my expectations. I thought hitting 1,000+ posts would've taken a bit longer.

But yes, it certainly feels better to have let some of this go and talk about it. Whatever help you've given me was and still is appreciated. Thank you. :) (And this inevitably and obviously reminds me why bottling shit up sometimes never helps.) :p

-And yeah, some of this stuff, as already mentioned in a way, goes back to my childhood.-

Joy Prevention Hotline
11-07-2013, 01:34 PM
My head is floating like a bobble-head at a marijuana legalization rally, but 1.5mg of Klonopin can really restore my composure and sense of humor.

Talking to a client who thinks we filled out her property tax forms wrong is one thing; a client who doesn't actually know what a properly filled form looks like is another; but it's the client with a default bad attitude that lead to me throwing things across the office and banging my desk till stuff bounces off it.

I got all three in one phone call.

Eeeeha, eeeeha, eeeeha…

miss k bee
11-08-2013, 01:15 PM
Having a miserable week,combination of reducing Paroxetine dosage,PMT and not liking my job. My anxiety is definitely increasing mostly worrying about my parents - both in mid to late seventies and not in great health ( I live with my Dad my sister lives with my mum in the Caribbean).

I also exercise to help my mood as well as keep fit,esp as I work night shifts.

InsecureSpike
11-08-2013, 01:23 PM
today, my caseworker and i were talking about possible sectioning,

Joy Prevention Hotline
11-08-2013, 04:11 PM
My parents and the people at work have been more patient and understanding than I ever could have hoped for … that's 46 years for my parents and 12 for my employer.

I would have tried to meet them halfway anyway, but it helps a lot.

marodi
11-08-2013, 09:38 PM
The verdict: severe generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder and OCD.



Today, I've learned that I have to add to that avoidant personality disorder and major depressive disorder.

More therapy for me, yay!

Joy Prevention Hotline
11-09-2013, 12:59 AM
Today, I've learned that I have to add to that avoidant personality disorder and major depressive disorder.

More therapy for me, yay!
Is it helping? :(

Halo Infinity
11-09-2013, 11:36 AM
I'm finally starting to realize why people seem to intentionally make an attempt to forget the bad things people say and do to them, or would at least hope to forget about things. It's also no wonder why people tell me that remembering all the bad things people say and do isn't supportive or healthy. I actually thought that a positive benefit was that it would protect me, but I realized that it usually made me dwell on negative and destructive thoughts and emotions.

Perhaps what people are trying to tell me that I can learn from my mistakes in regards to opening and up and trusting people without remembering all the wrongdoings because all that would only return me into a state of fear, confusion, and anger. This is perhaps another thing I've learned very late in life as I've only realized this less than one hour ago.

marodi
11-10-2013, 03:44 PM
Is it helping? :(

I'm just beginning so it's too early to tell. Knowing what is wrong with me does help a little because it gives me a bit of understanding about how my feelings and my brain work.

But I have hope therapy (plus the meds) will help. I'm ready for it and I'm going willingly, not because someone else wants me to.

*hugs*

Halo Infinity
11-10-2013, 10:41 PM
All of this posting from me in this thread is reminding me to take my own advice in the Note to Self thread. Whenever I read some of my posts in a negative mindset, I can't even believe that I said any of those things. Hindsight is very unforgiving. I'm just reminded more and more that I really should be striving for foresight, and like most or even all things worthwhile, it's going to be challenging. With that being said, I really should only post when I'm fine and happy. This thought just occurred to me recently and this seemed like the only right place to post it here.

Pillfred
11-10-2013, 11:16 PM
I'm just beginning so it's too early to tell. Knowing what is wrong with me does help a little because it gives me a bit of understanding about how my feelings and my brain work.

But I have hope therapy (plus the meds) will help. I'm ready for it and I'm going willingly, not because someone else wants me to.

*hugs*

I feel you. I have been more actively trying to both accept and work with my moods and take them as they come. How I am is how I am and not dwell on it. If I'm whatever, it is what it is. It helps that I realize shit passes. No meds, but still just taking it as it comes helps. If my head is what it is I just try and persevere and remember it's just me and not some bullshit I think up. Day by day I guess.

Keep at it I guess Iz what I'm saying.

That said, fuck.... ;)

Halo Infinity
11-12-2013, 12:33 PM
I think for what it's worth, it's actually working. I'm not pretending that my mental problems don't exist through denial, but focusing on other things that make me happy and secure, along with the things I can change and do something about can sometimes work wonders. I sometimes forgot how something so simplistic can have such a positively profound effect on my happiness, contentment, and security even if it's not always the best thing forever and ever. I've figured this is what helps people gain foresight because it actually helps remind you to focus on moving on and bettering yourself.

frankie teardrop
11-12-2013, 12:40 PM
has anyone tried one of those vitamin d/sun lamps? i've been working in a basement since last spring, and between this, my usual depression, and my sick cat, i'm not sure how i'm going to handle this winter. does anyone have any experience with one of these? does it work?

Joy Prevention Hotline
11-12-2013, 12:53 PM
has anyone tried one of those vitamin d/sun lamps? i've been working in a basement since last spring, and between this, my usual depression, and my sick cat, i'm not sure how i'm going to handle this winter. does anyone have any experience with one of these? does it work?
Always been curious about that. Seasonal depression has been a big issue for at least 25 years, and I think that's what finally pushed me over the edge. (Imagine coming home to New England after a week in Hawaii … in December.)

frankie teardrop
11-12-2013, 03:16 PM
Always been curious about that. Seasonal depression has been a big issue for at least 25 years, and I think that's what finally pushed me over the edge. (Imagine coming home to New England after a week in Hawaii … in December.)

yeah i always have seasonal issues, and while i do like winter/grey days for the most part, i feel like the circumstances now are heading towards a pretty bleak winter. the basement aspect of things is especially concerning, since there's no window/phone reception/any contact whatsoever with the outside world. it snowed for the first time this season, and it's been a very, very rough day here at work. if this is just the start, i'm dreading how bad it'll get in say, february.

so, with that in mind, i just did some research online and ordered this:
http://www.amazon.com/Lightphoria-000LUX-Energy-Light-Lamp/dp/B004JF3G08/ref=sr_1_3?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1384290870&sr=1-3&keywords=Seasonal+Affective+Disorder+lamp

should be here thursday. i'll let you know if it's any good...

Joy Prevention Hotline
11-12-2013, 03:31 PM
yeah i always have seasonal issues, and while i do like winter/grey days for the most part, i feel like the circumstances now are heading towards a pretty bleak winter. the basement aspect of things is especially concerning, i'm having mild panic attacks about how moody i'll be in say, february.

so, with that in mind, i just did some research online and ordered this:
http://www.amazon.com/Lightphoria-000LUX-Energy-Light-Lamp/dp/B004JF3G08/ref=sr_1_3?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1384290870&sr=1-3&keywords=Seasonal+Affective+Disorder+lamp

should be here thursday. i'll let you know if it's any good...
Wow — that's waaaay smaller (and more reasonably priced) than the ones I've seen. I guess we can thank LEDs for that too.

I have my office outfitted with 6500K lights, but that was an aesthetic decision. I don't know if they put out enough light to make a difference for SAD, and some people are saying that the amount of light matters more than the color.

But I am giving more thought to the psychological aspect of lighting. For a while I was making a conscious effort to put aside my back-lit iPad and MacBook in favor of my Kindle at night, but I'm fallen out of the habit again. I was never sure if it was the lighting or the reading material that was helping me fall asleep. :p

Halo Infinity
11-13-2013, 04:33 PM
I gave it some more thought, along with all my entire life, and I have finally came to terms with the fact that it really does make me sick to think that sometimes most people assume that everybody is and should be their own biggest fan while wanting to be around people and get to know them. What a serious smack in the face to those that don't have the same mental health as they do. I never make that assumption now, as I know what it's like to be incredibly anxious, resentful, vindictive, self-loathing, suicidal, and paranoid, while having the constant fear of getting hurt and getting in trouble almost everywhere I go where there's people around. It just took me a while to accept it, and that's one assumption that I refuse to tolerate.

It's pretty damn obvious that not everybody is going to love themselves, and not really like be around others, or would even go as far as to hate to be around people, and hate speaking to them as well or being afraid of them, yet the assumptions, expectations, and demands of being secure, confident, and self-loving and social are massively imposed. I'm sorry, but that's just one more cat I've really wanted to let out of the bag. I just didn't know exactly how to put it at the time.

Pillfred
11-14-2013, 02:02 PM
My working stupid hours is starting back fire. It occurred to me it nay just be another way of avoiding things I need to do. That and I've had kind of a ruff weak. That said kicking my head into a semi-productive space I think has helped. I just need to start focusing my energies elsewhere. Think I need to start seeing my counsler again as well. I was starting feel like we we're trending the sane ground for a bit before I stopped going. I guess I just need to keep grinding and moving forward.

somethingelse
11-14-2013, 06:56 PM
Yeah you got to keep on moving against that tide. I've been switched from Valium to Seroquel for my social anxiety-agoraphobic-panic disorder tendencies/depression/AvPD. I've got two NIN shows in March, so having this goal to work towards is a big help. Exposure therapy will begin this weekend. A walk around the block, sitting on a bench in a huge shopping centre (mall) for thirty minutes, then sixty. Keep escalating the exposure, keep moving. I'm hoping I can get to a point where I don't have to over medicate myself just to get on a plane, and then the concert. I've come to accept I'll never get rid of social anxiety and that it will be something I have to learn to manage for a long time to come. I feel okay with that now, not like before when it seemed the only answer was a bottle of alcohol and a swim out to sea.

Baphomette
11-14-2013, 07:53 PM
Yeah you got to keep on moving against that tide. I've been switched from valium to seroquel for my social anxiety/depression. I've got two NIN shows in March, so having this goal to work towards is a big help. Exposure therapy will begin this weekend. A walk around the block, sitting on a bench in a huge shopping centre (mall) for thirty minutes, then sixty. Keep escalating the exposure, keep moving.Good for you! Missed seeing two NIN shows because of my social anxiety. So lame.

Joy Prevention Hotline
11-14-2013, 08:25 PM
My current project is training myself not to anthropomorphize other people on the road.

I remind myself that they're all robots. Their body language is an illusion created by idiosyncratic code, and if they react to me at all it's just an algorithm with no conscious thought behind it. Trying to communicate with them is pointless.

The rage I feel is misplaced, because machines aren't bad — they're just programmed that way.

somethingelse
11-15-2013, 01:23 AM
Thanks @Miss Baphomette and yeah it's lame, I know the feeling all too well. The regrets of not going, the depression. A feedback loop. Neuron pathways set in stone.
I can drive a car, but I have to do this by way of depersonalization to a degree. The other cars are mechanical only with no drivers, all just following a set of rules. Traffic lights suck.

miss k bee
11-15-2013, 07:52 AM
Coming off - reducing the dose of Seroxat (Paroxetine) is much harder than
I thought it would be. Feels like I am going to have to start looking into some type of psychotherapy to overcome the anxiety and low moods.

Halo Infinity
11-15-2013, 12:20 PM
Thanks @Miss Baphomette and yeah it's lame, I know the feeling all too well. The regrets of not going, the depression. A feedback loop. Neuron pathways set in stone.
I can drive a car, but I have to do this by way of depersonalization to a degree. The other cars are mechanical only with no drivers, all just following a set of rules. Traffic lights suck.

I have similar anxieties with driving as well. If it's not about car accidents, irreversible freak accidents, lawsuits, or going to prison for manslaughter, it's also about getting lost, and the mere thought of getting lost has always freaked me the fuck out too. I'm sure it's one of the biggest reasons why I'm so unadventurous, and wished I could just afford to use a plane or a chauffeur/tour bus everywhere I went. (But of course, that's just one of the many fantasies I have in mind.)

I also had anxieties in going to large crowds by myself, but I somehow forced myself into them when it came to concerts, and thankfully none of my anxieties actually came true. It does seem more relaxing to do such things with a close friend though. I'm just more at ease that way. It's also occurred to me more and more that people usually don't seem to want to hang out insecure people. I've heard of it before, but I've noticed that when they notice that you're constantly afraid of getting hurt and getting into trouble when you're mostly around other people, it just seems to be a killjoy to them.

Joy Prevention Hotline
11-16-2013, 07:22 PM
I'm not sure whether to find this heartwarming, or feel depressed that this is yet another example of how I'm not measuring up. ;)

Inside the World of Competitive Laughing (http://www.psmag.com/culture/inside-world-competitive-laughing-69972/)

Halo Infinity
11-20-2013, 01:20 PM
I just thought that I'd chime in here once more to say that my emotions are still one hell of roller-coaster. However, I'm really noticing that little by little, choosing to not have all-nighters on social-networking sites and Internet forums, or even taking some occasional breaks, or even immense hiatuses from them sometimes helps. Not that I'm blaming the Internet, but catching up on sleep, or being more productive obviously helps, and even the Internet can sometimes be akin to food or drug addiction to me.

I actually find myself more at peace when I'm not always posting at inopportune/indecent hours, as I've sometimes stayed up and made posts until 1:00 AM to 4:00 AM while even being in the worst of moods while drowsy, which could sometimes get very ugly.

(This is also along with the fact that people in general could also use a break from me every now and then as well.) ;)

playwithfire
11-27-2013, 04:17 PM
My OCD has changed and shifted a lot over the years I've had it. Like, I used to have way more of a problem with intrusive thoughts (Here's (http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/11/obsessive-thoughts-a-darker-side-of-ocd/281260/) a great article that deals with stuff like that, by the way. And I've never kissed a floor, thanks. That'd be a compulsion.) and these days it's more around stuff like contamination.

I really wish I could remember how I did simple tasks like... 6 years ago or whatever. Like, as an example, how did I used to wash my hands? I know it's not the way I do now. I wish I could remember how things were back when they were so easy. :(

Halo Infinity
12-04-2013, 04:53 PM
I'm sure I'm able to say this now, because I'm currently in a calm state of mind as I type this, but I really should stop underestimating the power of words, thoughts, and emotions, nor should I take them for granted among many other aspects of my life. I still can't believe what I've said, thought, felt, and did whenever I was severely depressed and angry, or whenever I thought I was being funny when I really wasn't. I've been guilty for saying and doing things without gravely thinking them through for a very long time, which has often lead to pursue or engage myself into regrettable and irreversible actions and consequences.

I'm also very wary of any advice that suggests that I should stop taking myself seriously. Not taking myself seriously, or life seriously is what caused me to get stuck in a rut to start with, even if some, or even if a lot of them were just mental and emotional. This doesn't mean that I chose to be bored, bitter, and miserable either, but I just sometimes need to really re-evaluate my life as I've frequently lost focus on whatever my purpose might or could be. I'm still trying to figure that out, in spite of how meaningless, harsh, indifferent, and random some parts of life can actually be.

-I also mentioned the part about me not meaning that I'd choose to be bored, bitter, and miserable because I've sometimes given off the impression that I'm void of any concept of fun, joy, and humor even when I wasn't angry, upset or rife with an atrocious attitude.-

Joy Prevention Hotline
12-04-2013, 11:36 PM
so, with that in mind, i just did some research online and ordered this:
http://www.amazon.com/Lightphoria-000LUX-Energy-Light-Lamp/dp/B004JF3G08/ref=sr_1_3?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1384290870&sr=1-3&keywords=Seasonal+Affective+Disorder+lamp
So, did it help any? Waking up in the morning just gets harder and harder as the temperature drops and the sun rises so late — makes me wonder if blasting my eyeballs with LEDs would make a difference.

I know blasting my eyeballs with sunlight on a tropical island sure wouldn't hurt. Waaaah!

Pillfred
12-05-2013, 01:32 AM
Yep burnt myself out again. I'm getting a handle on my bullshit though so I think I can make some headway this time. I'm beginning to recognize it though. I guess as I've said before I'm getting better at seeing these sorts of things and trimming it back each time. Idk maybe I'm finally growing up but I think it's more than that in a way. Perhaps just better at recognizing it. That said I don't think I'll ever get it nailed down, but perhaps better at communicating it to others if only to ease my own mind. As erratic as it may try and be. It's a hard thing for me though as I think most people don't really have a clue themselves and though I may be irresponsible and erratic at times and the fact I tend to go with it is no worse than trying to fit with the status quo. That said I need to keep on top of shit.

bgalbraith
12-05-2013, 09:10 AM
This is the first time I've logged on here (other than the rare tapatalk checkin) in several weeks, in large part due to stress and anxiety fueled depression. It's always strange to go from being involved with something on a daily basis to almost actively avoiding it for some inexplicable reason. Hopefully I'm on the upswing.

frankie teardrop
12-05-2013, 10:01 AM
So, did it help any? Waking up in the morning just gets harder and harder as the temperature drops and the sun rises so late — makes me wonder if blasting my eyeballs with LEDs would make a difference.

I know blasting my eyeballs with sunlight on a tropical island sure wouldn't hurt. Waaaah!

so far, so good. i've noticed a definite change on a regular day. i have insomnia issues already (tied into my depression issues- i stay up too late overthinking/being overproductive/etc.). the light doesn't do much when i'm really sleep deprived (if anything, it gives me a headache), but otherwise i'm definitely feeling the results.

Joy Prevention Hotline
12-05-2013, 12:12 PM
so far, so good. i've noticed a definite change on a regular day. i have insomnia issues already (tied into my depression issues- i stay up too late overthinking/being overproductive/etc.). the light doesn't do much when i'm really sleep deprived (if anything, it gives me a headache), but otherwise i'm definitely feeling the results.
Awesome — now I have something for my Xmas wish list. :)

Halo Infinity
12-08-2013, 02:24 PM
I knew I'd come crawling back here again, but on a positive note, sometimes crying actually relieves stress. I was undergoing some self-loathing, shame, guilt, regret, and suicidal ideation, and just cried in my bedroom. I let it all out, and I ended up feeling a lot better. It reminds me why doing the opposite of bottling up my emotions is actually relieving. Sometimes crying does help, and I really am more sensitive than I think I am, so it certainly reminds me to keep my ego in check more and more.

My bad for any irate or miserable posts again, including this one, but well, this still is one of those acceptable places on the Internet to post such things, so I thought I'd give it a go. I feel cheered up and motivated in a way, despite how paradoxical it looks on paper. :)

Halo Infinity
12-25-2013, 03:13 AM
I don't remember being diagnosed with AvPD, but a lot of it describes me down to a T, especially whenever I feel vulnerable, terrified, and/or depressed. (And then to also see that I have that combined with ADHD... it's no wonder why I think and feel the way I do.) I came across it because I was looking for advice on what to do when I have a hard time relating to others. That's also another reason why I've ended up alone even when I tried to make friends in real life. Relating to others is sometimes very hard, especially when you have almost nothing, or just nothing in common.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder

playwithfire
12-25-2013, 08:27 AM
Ugh.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

(This is unrelated to the post above me. I'm just having a hard time.)

miss k bee
12-25-2013, 07:48 PM
Actually didn't cry today despite worrying news, which is sort of good as I have been low and weepy since Sunday. Definitely have to sort some CBT next year.

Joy Prevention Hotline
12-26-2013, 12:00 AM
Got the Lightphoria lamp I asked for. Dunno if it can do anything about a Prozac-induced sleep phase disorder, but hopefully I’ll get some kind of benefit from it.

Also finally found something about antidepressants and sleep that fits in with my experience:


Tricyclic and some other classes of antidepressants as well as antipsychotics have long been used for the treatment of insomnia, whereas selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) generally disrupt sleep early in a course of treatment. This effect of SSRIs on alertness can be offset by sedative antidepressants such as trazodone, probably because they block 5-HT2 receptors which are being overstimulated by an increase in 5-HT (Kaynak et al, 2004). Other 5-HT2 antagonist antidepressants such as nefazodone (Hicks et al, 2002) and mirtazapine (Winokur et al, 2003) have been shown to reduce insomnia in depression, especially early in treatment. There are no controlled studies of the hypnotic efficacy of low-dose amitriptyline but despite this it is fairly common in primary care practice to use 10 or 25 mg amitriptyline to promote sleep. At this dose amitriptyline is probably acting mostly as a histamine H1 receptor antagonist, although a degree of 5-HT2 and cholinergic muscarinic antagonism may also contribute.
The stuff about tricyclics and SSRIs sounds spot on. (Too bad tricyclics make my primary condition worse, not to mention the well known side effects.)

Mirtazapine helped for a few weeks but petered out, and the weight I gained never really went away. :( But trazodone is new to me, so that’s something to look into.

Halo Infinity
12-26-2013, 04:32 PM
As paradoxical and ironic as this sounds, learning to be okay with being insecure has helped me in some ways. I've figured it helped calm me down and clear my mind, since it's a method for me to be honest with myself. In the back of mind, whether I like it or not, I know I'll always have to do my best, even when I'm not always excited or happy, but at the same time, I'm realizing that the desires and wishes to always be the best of the best has often gotten me nowhere. This doesn't mean that I should stop trying either, or stop doing my best, but perhaps it really was like a subtle trap that made me subject to being too hard on myself and a perfectionist.

I should also still work on not being ashamed when it comes to asking for help when it comes to all aspects of life when and where it's needed. For a long time, I've associated the need for help with shame, burden, and pity, and I see more and more as to how and why I should snap out of that mentality. The only thing I can say about it overall as of now is that I wish it didn't take me this long to finally realize and accept this reality. Hopefully things aren't as bad as they think they are. Aside from my emotions, I also need to control my imagination. It runs a lot wilder than it should from time to time.

somethingelse
12-26-2013, 05:01 PM
Has anyone had experience with SSRI's and quetiapine? I'm on 250 and 150 a day (plus 25 tabs when needed), respectively. It started well with my anxiety being lowered quite a bit. After a few months though I feel like my anxiety is rising, and my sleep is being disturbed by dreams of the past. All leave me feeling lost and confused and questioning my sanity when I wake and I've begun talking in my sleep, sometimes yelling out and kicking my legs. When I do have an anxiety attack now it feels so much worse than when I was not medicated and enduring. My self planned exposure therapy has been one giant flop. NIN concerts are coming up and right now, I don't feel like I'm going to make it. My partner has suggested staying in a psych hospital for a while, but the thought of leaving my safety zone for nothing is quite upsetting. I feel like a complete burden, and now slightly paranoid that her patience is beginning to run paper thin and maybe she wants me to leave, but doesn't know how to tell me. Which is understandable. I mean, it just keeps going and going and going. AvPD + Agoraphobia is not fun to deal with. Once my psych returns from holiday I'll be making weekly appointments and looking at going to a group circle jerk therapy session. They are expensive ($300) sessions, almost impossible to sustain with no private health coverage. My psych gave me a list of free mental health groups, but their range is quite broad and possibly not specific enough for me. Has anyone had experience with group therapy? In my mind it seems like a great idea, and a way to get me interacting with people again.

playwithfire
12-27-2013, 05:16 PM
Does anyone else dislike being asked what you're doing about your issues? Whether or not you're doing anything, does it bug you?

marodi
12-27-2013, 06:30 PM
Does anyone else dislike being asked what you're doing about your issues? Whether or not you're doing anything, does it bug you?

YES.

It's nobody's business but our own. If we want to speak about it, we will.

Halo Infinity
12-27-2013, 06:34 PM
It's even worse when you're told, or suggested/recommended unsolicited advice as to what you should/could/would be doing when you didn't bring it up to start with. I've also been there before, and that approach has never really helped me either.

Joy Prevention Hotline
12-28-2013, 01:38 AM
The people around me are smarter than that. Either they keep it to themselves, or else they know I’m always working on it.

Halo Infinity
01-04-2014, 11:12 PM
I've caught myself wanting and hoping to be liked and approved by everybody as I've always had a struggle with people-pleasing which is often, if not always very irrational, impractical, and unrealistic. It has made me pretend to agree with people or pretend to be nice when I had no real reason to be nice or agree with them. It has even caused me to isolate myself. I know I should get over this, as I've mistakenly thought that I was over it, and I sometimes wish I didn't have such a thin skin as I also have a tendency to take things very personally. People pleasing is and has to be very dangerous, and I should stop underestimating just how damaging that is. I really should also work on saying no more often without any qualms or hindrances in my conscience, as I'd be saying yes for the good of my own well-being.

I also understand that doesn't mean I have to be belligerent and inconsiderate either, as I'd need to find a balanced way to adapt and function with others socially to get by, but bending over backwards out of fear, insecurity, and depression isn't helping me. Perhaps I just need some more time alone to figure things out.

miss k bee
01-05-2014, 02:27 AM
Good article in the observer on anxiety from the editor of Atlantic

http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jan/05/scott-stossel-my-age-anxiety-extract

Joy Prevention Hotline
01-14-2014, 09:18 PM
How did toast become the latest artisanal food craze? (http://www.psmag.com/navigation/health-and-behavior/toast-story-latest-artisanal-food-craze-72676/) (Trust me. It’s not really about toast.)

Joy Prevention Hotline
01-17-2014, 07:20 PM
(Trust me. It’s not really about toast.)
No one believes me? :p

theburningreptile
01-17-2014, 07:29 PM
I've been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder, Asperger Syndrome and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. But, I've learned to deal with most of it. The medications help alot obviously. I'm here to learn though and help out if needed. Something that helps me drown everything out though is music when it gets bad, I mean.

somethingelse
02-06-2014, 07:36 PM
Seroquel didn't work. On to Beta blockers, a stronger benzo and 300mg SSRI's. Fukitol.

somethingelse
03-05-2014, 05:23 PM
Social anxiety - 999,999
Me - 12
I had my first haircut in 12 years. At an actual hairdressers.
NIN here I come fuck ya.

tony.parente
04-15-2014, 01:26 PM
How do you talk to a friend with an eating disorder? How can you be there for them without enabling? I have a really good friend who has recently relapsed and has resorted to eating less than 100 calories a day for the last 2 weeks. She plans on doing it for another 2 and then full on fasting for a full week. I'm extremely worried about her and I don't know how to approach this and it's ripping me up inside.

:(

aggroculture
04-15-2014, 01:52 PM
My OCD has been creeping back lately...not happy about this at all. I guess it's been a stressful year. And so here we are again doubting I've locked a door seconds after checking it, and going back and checking it...repeat ad nauseam.
Funny I remember when my brother was doing weird stuff, touching door handles, when we were kids. I think he got it from our mom.

Sarah K
04-15-2014, 02:04 PM
Ah, this thread.

I've been having a difficult time the past month or so.

About 5 years ago, I got sober. I don't even remember what I was at the doctor's office for, but I started crying about something. So then they were like DEPRESSION! And put me on an anti-depressant(Lexapro). I didn't think that I was depressed, but whatever. I'll give it a go. The only thing this did was absolutely KILL my sex drive, and make me lose all of my emotions. I didn't give any fucks about anything.

I then went through a really fucked up situation with my ex. In an effort to not completely lose myself, I was referred to a psychiatrist/therapy. After two visits, I was diagnosed with ADD, PTSD, and anxiety. They switched me from Lexapro to a Prozac generic due to cost, and stating that it is better for general anxiety. Wanted to put me on Adderall, but I refused it at this point, due to being pretty fucking freshly sober from meth. I saw that as a slippery slope, and I was actually committed to quitting this time. I went on with just the Prozac for a couple of years, and did well.

Then, a couple of years later I was once again having a pretty difficult time - things with this boyfriend were going down the shitter. We revisit the Adderall, and I give it a go, while still continuing on with the Prozac(my boyfriend gets REAL shitty and condescending about the Adderall use, ignoring the fact that I put it off for a couple of years). This was the best that I ever felt, by far. I almost felt like how I thought normal people feel! Then, THEN!!! This fucker puts me on Topomax for the PTSD. FUCK EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS. This was by far the absolute worst I have ever felt in my life. Withdrawing from meth and opiates > Topomax. The only time I ever had suicidal thoughts was while taking this shit. I continually expressed concern to my doctors, and they would switch dosages, and encourage me to continue. I kept up with it for a couple of months. But it got so bad. So, so bad. I couldn't think. I would literally be talking to someone, and forget what the fuck I was saying. I was falling asleep all of the time. I was just laying in bed crying, never wanting to do anything. I came extremely, extremely close to relapsing on meth. As in, I had it purchased, and it was in my fucking hands. By some sort of crazy determination, I didn't do it. I gave up on the Topomax at that moment

Then, I lost that job. The Adderall went from $9/month with my insurance to nearly $500 a month without, so I was forced to quit "cold turkey". I was still able to continue the Prozac generic and eventually found a generic ADHD medication that was affordable(like $240/month).

When I moved to NY, I just quit everything due to no job/insurance. Worst plan ever! Now, I'm dreading having to go to a new doctor, and rehash all of this old shit. I'm dreading what diagnosis they will come up with. I'm dreading what weird medication cocktail they will give me - all while ignoring what I tell them works for me. So, instead of going through all of this, I've just been putting it off and putting it off. Sinking a little bit deeper each and every day.

Joy Prevention Hotline
04-15-2014, 11:40 PM
Now, I'm dreading having to go to a new doctor, and rehash all of this old shit. I'm dreading what diagnosis they will come up with. I'm dreading what weird medication cocktail they will give me - all while ignoring what I tell them works for me.
:(

I've only had one psychiatrist … are doctors who listen to their patients such a rare thing? Mine trusts me to know what's going on inside my head. Because, you know, it's my head.

It doesn't always end well, but we learn something every time. I'm the guinea pig and the mad scientist wrapped up in one. :)

Sarah K
04-16-2014, 08:29 AM
The only time that I personally had experience with it was when that one med was fucking my world up, and they weren't listening to me.

But I spent a little over a year working with clients who had severe mental health disorders. I was a supervisor, so I had to sit in on all of their appointments. Some of the doctors were great. Some of them were fucking awful, and didn't listen to a word we would say. Just seeing what they went through was awful - constant, CONSTANT med changes. Then upping dosages until they were zombies. Then, they weren't escalating anymore, so they would lower the dosages. Then, they WOULD escalate, and they'd get put in the hospital where they would just up the meds again.

It's a terrible, vicious cycle. I think having to watch what all of my clients went through made me feel shitty for even addressing my seemingly insignificant issues.

I just wish there was more of a science behind it. Like... "Oh, you have high blood pressure? Take this medication". Instead, mental health stuff is a constant guessing and balancing game. It can become severely destructive.

kleiner
05-11-2014, 03:55 PM
I know that it's bad and that it won't make anything better on me but I just want to dig my hole deeper and I want to hurt myself and I want to feel something burning extinguish on my skin and I want it to be because I put it there because I am already in so much pain that is out of my hands and I want to at least know that I'm in control of some of it. I don't know how to make this feeling go away and I don't really know if I want it to because it's the first time in months that I've felt like I have control over a part of my negativity. I'm not really sure why I'm sharing this and if it's for attention or help or just to know that somebody somewhere knows that all I can feel is this constant ache running through my veins and that all I want to do is open them up and let it all spill out of my skin.

I've been so depressed for so long and for the past few months it's only gotten worse and worse and the one person in my life who knew how to help me is gone and I put too much pressure on them and expected to much from anyone but myself and now I just really want to break something of my own.

Dra508
05-11-2014, 05:13 PM
I know that it's bad and that it won't make anything better on me but I just want to dig my hole deeper and I want to hurt myself and I want to feel something burning extinguish on my skin and I want it to be because I put it there because I am already in so much pain that is out of my hands and I want to at least know that I'm in control of some of it. I don't know how to make this feeling go away and I don't really know if I want it to because it's the first time in months that I've felt like I have control over a part of my negativity. I'm not really sure why I'm sharing this and if it's for attention or help or just to know that somebody somewhere knows that all I can feel is this constant ache running through my veins and that all I want to do is open them up and let it all spill out of my skin.

I've been so depressed for so long and for the past few months it's only gotten worse and worse and the one person in my life who knew how to help me is gone and I put too much pressure on them and expected to much from anyone but myself and now I just really want to break something of my own.

Dude, you need to get help right now. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. You CAN get better.

kleiner
05-11-2014, 06:21 PM
I wouldn't even know how if I tried

somethingelse
05-11-2014, 06:41 PM
kleiner352:

As much as you like to believe, the control you have, is not there. It will flip on you many times.
Go to a G.P. and tell them what you have written here. If you think you can not, write it down and let the Doc read it.
Ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. Then hand them the same letter you gave to the doctor, or voice it.
Dra508 is right. No matter how useless, hopeless and utterly bleak you feel - you can feel better. It won't be easy. It won't. But it WILL be worth it.
Personally, I started on this path a few years ago and while I don't have any self harm thoughts anymore, I know I still have a long way to go.
The deeper the hole, the more you mentally cement these pathways - the longer the recovery time.

kleiner
05-11-2014, 08:02 PM
You guys and a few other sources have convinced me to give up and seek out some professional help, so tomorrow I'm going to figure out making an appointment with someone and go from there. I'm really really scared of what all of this is going to bring but at the same time I feel a lot less suffocated because I feel like I know I'm going somewhere/doing something to try and improve and I just really, really hope that this works for me. Thanks

Update: I've got an appointment for a first time evaluation next Tuesday; glad to feel like I have some options beyond giving up on myself completely

Dra508
05-13-2014, 10:46 AM
You guys and a few other sources have convinced me to give up and seek out some professional help, so tomorrow I'm going to figure out making an appointment with someone and go from there. I'm really really scared of what all of this is going to bring but at the same time I feel a lot less suffocated because I feel like I know I'm going somewhere/doing something to try and improve and I just really, really hope that this works for me. Thanks

Update: I've got an appointment for a first time evaluation next Tuesday; glad to feel like I have some options beyond giving up on myself completelyThat's not giving up kleiner352, that's reaching out, that's great!!!! Best to you.

Sarah K
05-13-2014, 11:07 AM
I hope that your appointment goes well today!

kleiner
05-14-2014, 03:40 PM
When I said next Tuesday I meant as in the 20th, not yesterday, sorry for the confusion! Thankfully they called and said there was an opening for tomorrow instead, so yeah, one more day before I get to go. I've never seen a therapist/psychiatrist before and am really uncertain how to talk to them, but I'm assuming they'll help guide me along, ask questions, etc. Thanks to all of you for the encouragement and best wishes.

Dra508
05-14-2014, 05:30 PM
When I said next Tuesday I meant as in the 20th, not yesterday, sorry for the confusion! Thankfully they called and said there was an opening for tomorrow instead, so yeah, one more day before I get to go. I've never seen a therapist/psychiatrist before and am really uncertain how to talk to them, but I'm assuming they'll help guide me along, ask questions, etc. Thanks to all of you for the encouragement and best wishes.Just start from the beginning...

kleiner
05-15-2014, 04:19 PM
Well I'm now on mood stabilizers and in a few weeks am going to try out some antidepressants, and should be seeing someone for talk therapy within the next month, too. The pills are a lot smaller than I thought they'd be and the doctor was way more cautious about just writing out prescriptions on the fly than I expected, and hopefully these things do me some good. Thanks again to everyone who has encouraged me here.

Halo Infinity
05-19-2014, 01:31 AM
I'm amazed at how long I've actually stayed out of this thread. I'm still highly emotional, and I still need to work on not taking things far too personally, literally, and seriously than I really should, but I actually seem to be a lot calmer now, although I still have anger/hatred issues to work on. I think some of the advice and reassurance I've received here has really helped me out. If it's not about me being depressed and hard on myself, most of my mental and emotional problems come from having a very hard time trusting and forgiving others, while being vengeful and/or being tempted to become vengeful, and hoping that bad things would happen to people that have hurt me in the past.

Whether I like it or not, dwelling on all of those things has always become toxic for me. I sometimes have to really step back, and truly wonder why I had also ever undergone suicidal ideation in multiple parts of my life before, but it also has a lot to do with me having a hard time forgiving myself and being hard on myself, while having an obsession for being liked and pleasing others. I still try to be a good person, but it's not always easy/simple, especially when it comes down to thoughts and emotions.

@marodi (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=125) @Joy Prevention Hotline (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=3789) @Charmingly Miserable (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=3645) @Pillfred (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=393) - Anyway, thank you again for helping me out, and not finding me all that crazy and reprehensible as a person as this thread is where I've shared some of my darkest thoughts... even to my surprise.

It's pretty much an update to how I'm doing with this topic, considering how the 4 of you have been very helpful and understanding. Your overall concerns and supportive advice are still appreciated. :D

Looking back into those posts has cheered me up, and I'm more ready to accept life's challenges and surprises without being blindly optimistic and unrealistic. I also still need to learn how to not be so afraid of life, and being grateful also helps remind me why I shouldn't be that afraid to start with. Besides, it could always be worse anyway.

And as I'd even tell myself these days, especially as of now: That's just life sometimes, man. :p

InsecureSpike
05-19-2014, 03:44 AM
guys what kinda meds are you, (the members that have been diagnosed) taking? I'm on,
200mg Lamotrigine
45mg Mirtazapine
1-2-3mg Lorazapam

I've been on others, like Quetiapine & Olanzapine but both those made everything slow and foggy

kleiner
05-19-2014, 03:57 AM
Currently on 25 of Lamotrigine a day, in a week and a half it'll be up to 50, then I'm getting some antidepressants prescribed to me afterward, no idea what they'll be.

sukey
05-19-2014, 09:47 AM
I’m on 30mg of citalopram a day. Thinking about coming off it though because I’ve felt fine over the past few months. There’s always the fear that they’re the reason I feel fine though...

marodi
05-19-2014, 03:53 PM
I'm taking Effexor 300 mg a day and Rivotril 1 mg a day. Effexor works great as long as I don't forget to take it. Missing a dose = hell on Earth.

Charmingly Miserable
05-19-2014, 10:29 PM
Kris I'm ALWAYS here for you.

I've been off of meds for 2+ years and I have never felt better in my life. However, the longer I am single, the more I began to doubt myself. Being without a relationship affects my self worth. I know that is the most stupidest thing to say; it's all a mental distortion. I know that I am amazing, beautiful, strong, intelligent and so forth but I can't help but to think that I can be something more. I've talked to my therapist about this. I just need to stop letting these distortions warp my head. (Maybe this should have gone in the relationship thread.)

somethingelse
05-20-2014, 07:01 AM
250 mg of sertraline, 30mg diazapam, 25mg seroquel when needed.

BrownEyedStatistic
05-20-2014, 08:28 AM
It amazes me how care managers are quick to give us pills these days. All my friend needed was someone to talk to and BOOM he got pills instead.
Far as I know, he's quite a jolly lad, so I went bonkers to see him return with some strong stuff and no therapy scheduled.
When he asked what sort of effects could anti-depression medication have on him, just told him, "look man, you don't need them."

"Well, what happened to you while you were on them?"

"Before the pills, I felt like dying, but I was too scared to do anything.
After the pills, I felt like dying, and I just needed to find a time, a place, and a way.
You can't just take this shit and expect the thoughts to wash themselves away.
You have to talk to people. Forget this for now and just talk to me for awhile."

Sarah K
05-20-2014, 08:38 AM
I mean... Medication needs to be closely monitored, and should be one piece of the puzzle, not the entire solution. But telling someone to not take their medications is extremely shitty. "Talking to people" isn't going to change your brain chemistry if you actually *do* have a disorder.

I'm sorry that you had a negative experience with medication, and I wholeheartedly agree that meds are handed out WAY too easy. But your negative experience doesn't mean that everyone is going to have that same outcome.

Halo Infinity
05-20-2014, 04:29 PM
@Kris (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=244) I'm ALWAYS here for you.
Thank you. I've also noticed that it's my black and white thinking that also gets in the way, and that I sometimes need to let things go, not only because it's the right and safe thing to do, but also because I shouldn't let my pride cloud my judgment. I'm also amazed at how anger and sadness can prevent me realizing or remembering even the simplest of things, and how it even prevents me from thinking things through thoroughly. Anyway, I also still appreciate your concern.


I've been off of meds for 2+ years and I have never felt better in my life. However, the longer I am single, the more I began to doubt myself. Being without a relationship affects my self worth. I know that is the most stupidest thing to say; it's all a mental distortion. I know that I am amazing, beautiful, strong, intelligent and so forth but I can't help but to think that I can be something more. I've talked to my therapist about this. I just need to stop letting these distortions warp my head. (Maybe this should have gone in the relationship thread.)
I'm still working on that too. I understand that I should also work on myself, and take care of myself first, while being patient, but I also yearn for a relationship once in a while, even if it's just for a good time, and with an excellent rapport included. Oh yeah, and I also see what you mean, but I think it's on topic in a way, since loneliness and a low self-worth due to being single is also a mental health topic. I can't even begin to count how many times I've told myself that nobody wanted me, and that I didn't deserve to be in a loving relationship. I also need to do the same exact thing you're doing as well.

Charmingly Miserable
05-20-2014, 04:35 PM
I'm glad we see eye to eye on this. Come to California. :)

Halo Infinity
05-20-2014, 10:21 PM
Or perhaps you can also come to New York? You certainly live up to the first part of your username. :)

I also just wanted to include one more thing. It also occurred to me that around 15+ years later, I finally understand what people meant when they said I thought too much, and worried to much, or that I was too trusting. As for being called touchy, that I've always understood. And well, it's really true what some people say. Sometimes the best way to be okay with others is to be okay with yourself, and stop caring, but in a good way, like letting go, and not always wanting to please and impress others, especially when you're alone. Just like anybody else, I am my own person from birth until death in spite of my flaws and blunders. It's one of the best ways to become more comfortable in your own skin in a realistic way. (Or me at least, as I don't mean to speak for anybody else.)

-Edit-

I'm amazed that I'm even opening up here, but I suppose it goes to show how comfortable I've become on ETS, well, sometimes too comfortable. I've also bottled this stuff inside among other things for almost my entire life, so the inundation of paragraphs should be self-explanatory from time to time.

Hazekiah
05-21-2014, 06:14 AM
I've been dealing with relationship issues regarding my (ex-?) girlfriend, which ALL stem ENTIRELY from this girl's diagnosed-but-untreated SEVERE Borderline Personality Disorder...and, frankly, I'm having a pretty rough go of it.

I've already saved her life a couple times and been MASSIVELY put-upon to deal with and help her through all this while simultaneously being trampled underfoot (and been beaten violently, stabbed at, cheated on, lied about, threatened with arrests, etc. as a show of her gratitude, w00t) but when she's stable and balanced she's a truly wonderful person, who I'm deeply in love with and deeply concerned for right now.

Her mom was reasonably supportive at first (we had a lot of time to bond over real-talk while we waited three days to see if her daughter would come out of her self-induced coma the first time I saved her life) and she even got me an entry-level WTF-is-BPD? kind of book to help me get my bearings, but then her daughter started "black-sheeping" me with her lies and, predictably, the Momma Bear instincts took over instead of logic, so that's no good now. It's pretty amazing how expertly these people can manipulate even the people most aware of their condition and its attendant issues with manipulation. Horrifying and depressing, of course...but nonetheless amazing. Such as it is.

Anyway, now that I'm pretty much on my own as far as knowing what's ACTUALLY going on with her, I've taken it upon myself to do a TON of research online and I've ordered about $100 of books about BPD from Amazon & eBay, which I'm currently working through. I'd like VERY MUCH to at least clear my name with the family and ESPECIALLY to see her FINALLY enter treatment of some sort before she kills herself one way or another, so I've been taking notes and transcribing her texts and just documenting the general progression of her illness so I can send it to her folks at some point in hopes of making my case definitively. They already know it's bad but having fallen prey to her distortions they just have NO IDEA how bad it really is now. So I'm aiming to give them a better and more accurate rundown of what's truly going on. Her stepdad-to-be also happens to be the head of the Psych. Dept. at a local college so I'm hoping he'll recognize what's happening and can finally take charge from there.

I love this girl and I've been trying desperately to build a life with her but in the end I mostly just want her to get into treatment so she can finally be happy and healthy, even if I have to help make it happen from a distance that's painful to me. If she'd finally confess to her family, friends, and coworkers about her VICIOUSLY LYING about me to gain sympathy from them along the way then that'd be GREAT too, of course. It really sucks that they're ALL treating me like shit and THINKING they're doing the right the whole time. That whole BPD-sufferer-lies-to-support-group-about-truth-teller-to-turn-social-circle-against-truth-teller-and-transform-support-group-into-enablers phenomenon is some pretty DEVIOUS shit, and having fallen prey to it, it honestly feels like PURE FUCKING EVIL sometimes.

But I've been trying to keep an open mind.

There's a lot of material out there coming from the wounded perspective of FUCK-THAT-EVIL-BITCH-GET-OUT-NOW (and I get that, omfg, I REALLY get that) but reading up on the 1st Person POV testimonials and confessions from BPD survivors, I also know that these are honestly good, thoughtful people who hate and regret the abhorrent and hurtful things their condition has made them do, especially to their loved ones. I've often wondered just wtf this bright, beautiful, beaming and talented young lady could POSSIBLY want to kill herself for, but now that I'm wise to her tricks and FULLY aware of all the awful things she does at her worst to the people who care about her the most...I kind of get the suicidal self-loathing part of it now. Shit like that CAN'T be easy to face up to when she cycles back down to relative sanity. I don't even know how the fuck she sleeps at night sometimes. But I guess that's just partly how it works in that twisted, deluded mindset.

So. Welcome to the last TWO YEARS of MY life in hell, lol.

Ugh.

Back to the point, I was just scouring the internet for help in all my other open tabs when I saw this thread at the top of General Chat and thought I'd give ets a shot, too.

If anyone here has some personal experience, advice, or suggested reading or anything like that I'd fucking LOVE to hear about it. As bad as she can be we are absolutely MAGICAL together when things are good.

And even if it's just hopeless and we can never really be together, this poor girl's LIFE is still on the line here.

I'm all ears.

:-\

Sarah K
05-21-2014, 08:27 AM
It is early and I don't have reading comprehension skills.

InsecureSpike
05-21-2014, 01:19 PM
I've been dealing with relationship issues regarding my (ex-?) girlfriend, which ALL stem ENTIRELY from this girl's diagnosed-but-untreated SEVERE Borderline Personality Disorder...and, frankly, I'm having a pretty rough go of it.

I've already saved her life a couple times and been MASSIVELY put-upon to deal with and help her through all this while simultaneously being trampled underfoot (and been beaten violently, stabbed at, cheated on, lied about, threatened with arrests, etc. as a show of her gratitude, w00t) but when she's stable and balanced she's a truly wonderful person, who I'm deeply in love with and deeply concerned for right now.

Her mom was reasonably supportive at first (we had a lot of time to bond over real-talk while we waited three days to see if her daughter would come out of her self-induced coma the first time I saved her life) and she even got me an entry-level WTF-is-BPD? kind of book to help me get my bearings, but then her daughter started "black-sheeping" me with her lies and, predictably, the Momma Bear instincts took over instead of logic, so that's no good now. It's pretty amazing how expertly these people can manipulate even the people most aware of their condition and its attendant issues with manipulation. Horrifying and depressing, of course...but nonetheless amazing. Such as it is.

Anyway, now that I'm pretty much on my own as far as knowing what's ACTUALLY going on with her, I've taken it upon myself to do a TON of research online and I've ordered about $100 of books about BPD from Amazon & eBay, which I'm currently working through. I'd like VERY MUCH to at least clear my name with the family and ESPECIALLY to see her FINALLY enter treatment of some sort before she kills herself one way or another, so I've been taking notes and transcribing her texts and just documenting the general progression of her illness so I can send it to her folks at some point in hopes of making my case definitively. They already know it's bad but having fallen prey to her distortions they just have NO IDEA how bad it really is now. So I'm aiming to give them a better and more accurate rundown of what's truly going on. Her stepdad-to-be also happens to be the head of the Psych. Dept. at a local college so I'm hoping he'll recognize what's happening and can finally take charge from there.

I love this girl and I've been trying desperately to build a life with her but in the end I mostly just want her to get into treatment so she can finally be happy and healthy, even if I have to help make it happen from a distance that's painful to me. If she'd finally confess to her family, friends, and coworkers about her VICIOUSLY LYING about me to gain sympathy from them along the way then that'd be GREAT too, of course. It really sucks that they're ALL treating me like shit and THINKING they're doing the right the whole time. That whole BPD-sufferer-lies-to-support-group-about-truth-teller-to-turn-social-circle-against-truth-teller-and-transform-support-group-into-enablers phenomenon is some pretty DEVIOUS shit, and having fallen prey to it, it honestly feels like PURE FUCKING EVIL sometimes.

But I've been trying to keep an open mind.

There's a lot of material out there coming from the wounded perspective of FUCK-THAT-EVIL-BITCH-GET-OUT-NOW (and I get that, omfg, I REALLY get that) but reading up on the 1st Person POV testimonials and confessions from BPD survivors, I also know that these are honestly good, thoughtful people who hate and regret the abhorrent and hurtful things their condition has made them do, especially to their loved ones. I've often wondered just wtf this bright, beautiful, beaming and talented young lady could POSSIBLY want to kill herself for, but now that I'm wise to her tricks and FULLY aware of all the awful things she does at her worst to the people who care about her the most...I kind of get the suicidal self-loathing part of it now. Shit like that CAN'T be easy to face up to when she cycles back down to relative sanity. I don't even know how the fuck she sleeps at night sometimes. But I guess that's just partly how it works in that twisted, deluded mindset.

So. Welcome to the last TWO YEARS of MY life in hell, lol.

Ugh.

Back to the point, I was just scouring the internet for help in all my other open tabs when I saw this thread at the top of General Chat and thought I'd give ets a shot, too.

If anyone here has some personal experience, advice, or suggested reading or anything like that I'd fucking LOVE to hear about it. As bad as she can be we are absolutely MAGICAL together when things are good.

And even if it's just hopeless and we can never really be together, this poor girl's LIFE is still on the line here.

I'm all ears.

:-\

well, sorry to hear all this bad in your life, and you loved ones,

but now this is coming from a Borderline male, we are generally really fucked up! and these core fuck ups will never go away, they are ground into us, they make us, and we are ultra selfish when in a bad phase, it never get better, just coping skills are need to be developed and worked on, with both partners, my wife of 10+ years is ONLY just getting a small idea of how my mind works, and the triggers that I allow her to know. and I think that'll be as far as that understanding will go.

I'm on medication and in crisis care, which I partake in, only because of my loved ones, (wife & daughter) if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be doing either or I would basically not be here.

the suicidal tendencies are very very normal to a borderline medicated or not, I think about it 50% of my day, even if the day is good! I know that it will kill me eventually, and personally, I'm fine with that,

I'm lucky enough to have a spit borderline personality, good/bad, I can't control either,
and my bad personality is my more dominant, which is where my battles lie,

that was just a little ramble from me,

I'm fully open to questions, maybe some advise too, I'm all to willing to educate on BPD

elevenism
05-29-2014, 12:35 AM
I've got love for the whole ETS community.
If ANYONE here EVER needs help...someone to speak to, a sympathetic ear...PLEASE pm me. I will do my very best to be there for you.

As for me, i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and psychotic features back in 1997. At one point i was also diagnosed with schizoeffective disorder, but since i only "hallucinated" in one place, and the "hallucinations" were ghosts, and my doctor believed in ghosts, he took that diagnosis away.
I've taken all different kinds of meds, but currently i am on Celexa and Seroquel.
As a matter of fact, i have to hit the sack because my fiancee and i both have mental health appointments bright and early!

Hang in there, Hazekiah and kleiner352.
I'm here for you guys, SERIOUSLY.

A girl i didn't know talked to me for eight hours a day when i was hell bent on killing myself. She saved my life.
With the internet, we can be there for one another in new ways.

And i LOVE to talk and listen when i have free time.

Love to all of you. Oh, and marodi , that effexor is some ROOOOOUUUUGH stuff if you ever try to get off of it. I swear to god the withdrawals are worse than heroin!

Hazekiah
05-31-2014, 12:02 AM
well, sorry to hear all this bad in your life, and you loved ones,

but now this is coming from a Borderline male, we are generally really fucked up! and these core fuck ups will never go away, they are ground into us, they make us, and we are ultra selfish when in a bad phase, it never get better, just coping skills are need to be developed and worked on, with both partners, my wife of 10+ years is ONLY just getting a small idea of how my mind works, and the triggers that I allow her to know. and I think that'll be as far as that understanding will go.

I'm on medication and in crisis care, which I partake in, only because of my loved ones, (wife & daughter) if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be doing either or I would basically not be here.

the suicidal tendencies are very very normal to a borderline medicated or not, I think about it 50% of my day, even if the day is good! I know that it will kill me eventually, and personally, I'm fine with that,

I'm lucky enough to have a spit borderline personality, good/bad, I can't control either,
and my bad personality is my more dominant, which is where my battles lie,

that was just a little ramble from me,

I'm fully open to questions, maybe some advise too, I'm all to willing to educate on BPD

Wow.

Not gonna lie, I was hoping to hear something a little more positive here!

That sounds pretty damned bleak and I hope you don't mind me saying so...but then that seems to be the general point you were making so I'd assume you wouldn't.

I've already come to terms with the idea that my quasi-ex isn't ever going to magically turn into a perfectly healthy and untroubled individual, so that's really not where I'm coming from here. I'd just like to find SOME way to help get her better, at least. I would have thought that waking up in a hospital from a three-day coma after trying to kill herself or stabbing at her loving boyfriend with 8-inch kitchen knives or showing up to work only to have her manager pull her aside to ask her about the dried blood all over her from cutting herself AND me would have all been sufficient wake-up calls to AT LEAST demonstrate to herself her desperate need of psychiatric help for her ever-worsening condition...but it turns out those have just been yet more opportunities for her to gain sympathy and "support" from everyone by plying her trades of manipulation, lying, and distortion. She's somehow managed to nimbly sidestep the issue of her own dysfunction without even entertaining the notion that things are pretty bad and maybe she should seek help.

That's pretty damned baffling to me.

Luckily, you have enough love for your wife and daughter (if not always yourself) to keep your worst impulses at bay (much respect for that, btw), but I just don't know what to do with this girl. She's young and has no kids, so that's out. She's doing her damnedest to drive me away, so that's out. I mean, she loves her dog and has expressed remorse for the hell she's put her dog through, but I don't really see any way to appeal to her on those grounds successfully, lol.

Like I said, I feel like I'm pretty much left with being as available, informed, and supportive as possible while being walked all over and probably still just throwing my hands in the air and giving her family a COMPLETE rundown of every last sordid, awful little detail so hopefully THEY can eventually force her into some kind of regular treatment.

And would I be right in assuming that having lived with your disorder for so long and seemingly having been fairly guarded about it has left you perhaps TOO GOOD at self-sabotaging your own recovery? No offense intended, it just kind of sounded like that might be the case considering the general propensity towards self-sabotage for BPDs and your candid reference to how little you still let even your wife of 10 years know about your triggers and stuff.

My quasi-ex is about to turn 23 and knows almost nothing about her own relatively recent diagnosis, so I feel like there's maybe a glimmer of hope there, insofar as she doesn't really seem to have those kinds of walls too firmly in place just yet. In fact, she's kind of thankfully (albeit appallingly) transparent with that kind of thing, which really makes it all the more frustrating that she's SO able to manipulate people when, frankly, I don't even think she's particularly good at lying or hiding things. I mean, I bust her COLD almost every single time. It's even gotten to the point where I've stopped telling her HOW I could tell she was up to no good because I could SEE that she wasn't learning her lesson about good and bad, she was just simply learning how NOT to get caught that way again. Ugh.

Anyway, sorry. Now I'm just rambling and thinking out loud too.

I hope you turn a corner eventually and don't have it so rough someday. Thanks for being open and willing to discuss everything here too. Just do your homework and daily maintenance and try to remember that helping yourself overcome this adversity IS THE SAME THING as helping your wife and daughter. They're lucky to have someone who cares enough about them to stick around for them but that struggle BEGINS inside yourself, so I hope you remember to take care of yourself for yourself as much as you do for them. Even just talking shit through in here feels like a HUGE help to me (I don't really have a lot of other places I can talk about it, after all), so hopefully this whole thread will be of some help for you and everyone else here too.

Good luck, man!


I've got love for the whole ETS community.
If ANYONE here EVER needs help...someone to speak to, a sympathetic ear...PLEASE pm me. I will do my very best to be there for you.

As for me, i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and psychotic features back in 1997. At one point i was also diagnosed with schizoeffective disorder, but since i only "hallucinated" in one place, and the "hallucinations" were ghosts, and my doctor believed in ghosts, he took that diagnosis away.
I've taken all different kinds of meds, but currently i am on Celexa and Seroquel.
As a matter of fact, i have to hit the sack because my fiancee and i both have mental health appointments bright and early!

Hang in there, @Hazekiah (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=1162) and @kleiner352 (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=4417).
I'm here for you guys, SERIOUSLY.

A girl i didn't know talked to me for eight hours a day when i was hell bent on killing myself. She saved my life.
With the internet, we can be there for one another in new ways.

And i LOVE to talk and listen when i have free time.

Love to all of you. Oh, and @marodi (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=125) , that effexor is some ROOOOOUUUUGH stuff if you ever try to get off of it. I swear to god the withdrawals are worse than heroin!

Daaaaamn, that's a handful for sure!

And Jesus fucking CHRIST, a doctor that believes in ghosts in charge of the mental health of schizoaffective disorder patients, ffs. I can't even.

And much appreciated, btw...thanks for joining in and offering support. Good lookin' out!

This IS a pretty cool little corner of the community.

I'm generally used to thinking of ets as that-place-full-of-assholes-except-the-tech-geeks-and-amazing-bootleg-network-and-NIN-fan-efforts-and-resources-and-stuff-like-that (don't hate me, LOL, you all know its true), but then again I never really ventured beyond the NIN/Cinema/Music sections either so I was only seeing the tip of the iceberg, I guess.

And I've always loved it ANYWAY so it's really nice to see this place's better side a bit more now. Very refreshing! Otherwise, this community always kind of felt like a troubled gf with LOTS of dysfunctional horrible bullshit going on but a TON of good beneath the surface. You know, sort of an I-love-it-so-much-why-does-it-always-have-to-be-such-a-pain-in-the-ass? sort of situation, lol.

OMFG does ets have BPD?!?

D:


http://treasure.diylol.com/uploads/post/image/474115/resized_philosoraptor-meme-generator-not-sure-if-suffering-from-borderline-personality-disorder-or-just-a-messageboard-troll-b98446.jpg

elevenism
05-31-2014, 07:23 AM
Wow.


I'm generally used to thinking of ets as that-place-full-of-assholes-except-the-tech-geeks-and-amazing-bootleg-network-and-NIN-fan-efforts-and-resources-and-stuff-like-that (don't hate me, LOL, you all know its true)

D:

Dude. were you around back in 06 or 07 or so?
I SWEAR TO GOD, i would post something and then wait to see what kind of terrible shit people said back to me...no matter what i posted!

It is SO much more laid back now.
As far as the dr believing in ghosts...yeah, that's pretty fucked up now that i think about it...but i swear to GOD this house is haunted.

So okay man. My girl is pretty fucking crazy too, and we are about to get married. I'm not exactly mr sanity myself. Not to boast, but we both walk the tight rope between super intelligent and crazy. And we have had some TERRIBLE times.
But these days, we go to the same dr to get meds on the same day of the month and also have our talk therapy appts one right after the other.

Before she got better, she fucking hit me quite a bit and i also saved her life from 2 suicide attempts.

As far as your girl goes, the cheating thing is what bothers me. It hurts me FOR you man. If i were you, i would make it pretty goddamn clear that i wasn't going to cut for that shit.
You say it feels great and magical and i can understand that man, i really can.
What i'd like to see is for her to get into a psych hospital and get stable on meds. Love is love and i understand that!
Perhaps things will work out, but i think she is going to need treatment.
At the same time, don't let her walk all over you, brother man.
I had an ex that was really fucking crazy and refused to get treatment.
It took me three years to realize that she didn't really love me and would NEVER love me like i loved her.
Hang in there, man. It sounds like YOUR mental well being isn't great right now!
Man, i don't work, and i'm here a LOT. So keep me posted on how things are going.
I am the opposite of the mean part of ets. I'm fucking here for you. I have love for you because i believe in synchronicity and that we are here at the same time for a reason, and also because you seem like a cool dude, and finally, because it takes BALLS to spill your heart all over the internet to be judged.

Halo Infinity
06-02-2014, 01:25 PM
I'm still a bit surprised that I got comfortable enough to express my anger and sadness on the Internet. In real life, even though I've failed to hide my anger and sadness a lot of times, I was often taught to hide it and keep it to myself, unless it was something very serious, or if I had a completely legitimate reason to be angry and sad. That was my upbringing, and I seem to bottle up my anger and sadness half of the time in real life, if not most of the time, or all of the time. It was always deemed to be shameful and destructive, or a pointless waste of time, or so it seemed.

I'll admit that I still don't know how to express anger and sadness in a way that isn't "horribly gone wrong", and that I could understand why I was taught that it was shameful, destructive, and a waste of time with the exception of the anger and sadness being over something legitimately serious. Even without any negative feedback from others, I still regret expressing those feelings, even for the small things, while feeling some shame over them. I suppose I'm just doing it now, but just for this thread, since this is the only place a post like this would really belong. And this is how I was brought up for the most part.

I also noticed that my depression and loneliness still sometimes stems from being obsessed with being liked, and people-pleasing, which is also motivated by the fear of conflict, and the fear of disappointing others. I thought I overcame that, but I was wrong. I have a tremendous fear of people having it in for me too, especially in the form of revenge. If not physical, perhaps verbal.

(But of course, that's not the case all the times, but that's also one of the several reasons why I try to be as nice as possible. I also don't believe that everybody is forgiving, compassionate, and merciful anyway, or as forgiving, compassionate, and merciful as they claim to be, especially when they tried to pull something on me, or once I've gotten on their bad sides for whatever reason.)

I'm still working on all of that though, but I actually forgot that was one huge reason as to what sometimes brings me down. I know I'm repeating myself on being alone, as I've done numerous times on ETS, but perhaps that's what I'd need yet again, as being alone helps me clear my mind, but I'm also not denying the negative aspects of being alone either.

Anyway, I'm just thankful that I have this thread to vent on ETS, as I still have an enormous tendency to keep these types of feelings tucked away as much as possible, especially in real life, so the release sometimes helps, no matter how big or small. I suppose that it's also no wonder why some people are loose cannons, as hiding emotions can hurt really bad sometimes.

halloween
06-03-2014, 05:35 PM
I wasn't sure where to share this but it's been bothering me. It's about something at work (after school program). So little kids can be cute, I get that. Though most of the time I hear that is towards one of the kindergartener specifically, with autism, and it's usually whenever he does something nonsensical, clearly in his own world. Kids do this and it can be cute. Anyways, when I hear this about him I get mixed feelings because part of this "cute" behavior is his his kid self and another part is the autism. Wondered what others had to say on this.

elevenism
06-04-2014, 12:04 PM
I wasn't sure where to share this but it's been bothering me. It's about something at work (after school program). So little kids can be cute, I get that. Though most of the time I hear that is towards one of the kindergartener specifically, with autism, and it's usually whenever he does something nonsensical, clearly in his own world. Kids do this and it can be cute. Anyways, when I hear this about him I get mixed feelings because part of this "cute" behavior is his his kid self and another part is the autism. Wondered what others had to say on this.

You know, i can relate to this because i worked as a nursing assistant back in my misspent 20s, and we often thought of things that the patients did as cute...patients with varying degrees of dementia.
So i had mixed feelings about it, because seeing it as cute kind of...robbed them of their humanity i guess?

Hazekiah
06-05-2014, 07:29 AM
Dude. were you around back in 06 or 07 or so?
I SWEAR TO GOD, i would post something and then wait to see what kind of terrible shit people said back to me...no matter what i posted!

It is SO much more laid back now.
As far as the dr believing in ghosts...yeah, that's pretty fucked up now that i think about it...but i swear to GOD this house is haunted.

So okay man. My girl is pretty fucking crazy too, and we are about to get married. I'm not exactly mr sanity myself. Not to boast, but we both walk the tight rope between super intelligent and crazy. And we have had some TERRIBLE times.
But these days, we go to the same dr to get meds on the same day of the month and also have our talk therapy appts one right after the other.

Before she got better, she fucking hit me quite a bit and i also saved her life from 2 suicide attempts.

As far as your girl goes, the cheating thing is what bothers me. It hurts me FOR you man. If i were you, i would make it pretty goddamn clear that i wasn't going to cut for that shit.
You say it feels great and magical and i can understand that man, i really can.
What i'd like to see is for her to get into a psych hospital and get stable on meds. Love is love and i understand that!
Perhaps things will work out, but i think she is going to need treatment.
At the same time, don't let her walk all over you, brother man.
I had an ex that was really fucking crazy and refused to get treatment.
It took me three years to realize that she didn't really love me and would NEVER love me like i loved her.
Hang in there, man. It sounds like YOUR mental well being isn't great right now!
Man, i don't work, and i'm here a LOT. So keep me posted on how things are going.
I am the opposite of the mean part of ets. I'm fucking here for you. I have love for you because i believe in synchronicity and that we are here at the same time for a reason, and also because you seem like a cool dude, and finally, because it takes BALLS to spill your heart all over the internet to be judged.

Thanks again for listening, btw. It really does help a lot just to be able to talk about this SOMEWHERE, at least.

And I was mostly kidding about assholes at ets, lol...but, yeah. I've been here since about '05 I think so I've seen most of what's happened since then, in general. It seems like that last restart a few years back ditched some of the worst offenders who haven't found their way back yet, actually. Haha, it's whatever. Just sayin'!

But anyway. It sounds like you and your lady have a pretty cool thing going. I would have LOVED to have been able to share in the treatment experience with mine (if only to make sure she was actually telling her therapist the truth), but considering she only ever went to the first two one-hour sessions before quitting entirely...well, between that and being forced to leave after her latest round of cheating and violent outbursts, I never really got the chance.

Hell, at THIS point, I'd be happy to hear that she was even just doing anything about it ALONE again.

And, thanks, yes...the cheating thing especially has been an absolute nightmare. It was one of the first things that made me realize how bad things were inside her head.

Not a lot of people know this because I don't go out of my way to make a big deal about it -- but wtf it's relevant and relatively discreet here so why not -- but Manson himself Facebook messaged me out of the blue and put me on his guest list in late 2012. Which was a little after I met her at a show and we hit it off so spectacularly that I couldn't help but invite her along as my +1. I was pretty psyched, obviously. Basically it was a dream come true as a fan and I got to live it out with the girl of my dreams on my arm the whole time. I was in HEAVEN, man. We saw EVERY SINGLE SHOW of our favorite band together for a whole year FOR FREE. It was basically the best gift I'd ever been able to give ANYONE and, naturally, she shit ALL OVER it.

Again, that's how I knew how bad it was. Who would go so far out their way to fuck up something THAT good if they WEREN'T somehow insane, right?

First, I heard about her fucking some crew guy in the bathroom after a show like TWO WEEKS out of the gate but I let it slide because it WAS technically only our second or third date really, even though that "date" was a month long and extremely intimate considering all the travelling we were doing together. Plus, she kept telling me she was just wasted and didn't mean to do it and even went so far as to tell me she'd been raped that night but refused to report it even though I BEGGED her to. And they even stayed pretty buddy-buddy on the tour afterward and I wasn't about to fuck up some guy's whole life simply because she couldn't own up to what she'd done, so I left it at that and figured I knew what REALLY happened and just kept a closer eye on things afterward. And things was good for the next few months. Then this last summer we were on the road together chasing the tour again and I found out she'd fucked ANOTHER crew guy behind my back at a show. I mean, HOLY FUCK...seriously? I almost brought everything to a screeching halt RIGHT THEN AND THERE but she seemed truly remorseful and I had to admit that we weren't TECHNICALLY a full-on "facebook official" couple yet so I let it go, albeit after MUCH very intense arguing. I just couldn't believe it was even happening. AGAIN. The greatest gift I'd ever given anyone and she was turning it into a COMPLETE fucking trainwreck. But we worked it out and finished the tour together, even if only just barely, and we were both pretty happy once she got a handle on her impulse control. After the tour was over I stayed with her in Florida for several months before heading back home and during that time we eventually worked things out enough to become an actual, full-on couple. Although, honestly, I felt like there was just no way in hell I could trust her from a thousand miles away so if we were going to have even HALF a chance at making things work for REAL then I was just going to have to stay right there the entire time. So I did. She was worth it to me and I had the flexibility to do so and hope never dies and all that.

And it was mostly great! Her family and roommates all accepted and appreciated me being there to help and with the tour over and us being able to take it easy finally there was a really nice period of relative peaceful normalcy and contentedness lasting several months. It was beautiful! I felt like I was finally seeing the REAL her, unencumbered by all her psychotic cheating, ladderclimbing, and manipulative bullshit. It was painfully apparent to me that she'd only ever cheated on me with the VERY FEW people who had better hookups than I did for tickets and backstage passes so I feel like it's pretty clear what was going on there. When she's at her worst I'm still pretty torn up trying to figure out if I was just used for my tickets and passes myself, but I think her diagnosis covers that pretty well. It's just hard to remind myself of that sometimes. When family issues drove her to her most nearly-successful suicide attempt and 3-day coma and she was FINALLY officially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, it was like a revelation. EVERYTHING about it fit SO perfectly. Having cycled down and become relatively clear-headed, she could see that too and was immensely comforted to finally understand HERSELF better, too. Even thoiugh it was ABSOLUTE HELL getting there, we finally knew what was wrong with her and had a shot at making her better. For a while there she was actually TRYING, too.

So that's why it's ESPECIALLY distressing to see what's happened since. I've seen her at her best. I know she's a good person who just happens to have an incredibly fucked-up head and just can't help herself when she's acting out sometimes. If she were just relentlessly horrible and I didn't care enough to have gotten to the point of understanding and helping her it would be INFINITELY easier to simply say FUCK THAT EVIL CUNT, I AM OUT. But it's SO CLEAR when she's in the middle of a self-destructive, delusional rampage. As much as I want to and probably should, I can't even really hate her when she's like that...I just feel bad for her and want to help her get better. But she's back to not even acknowledging her diagnosis let alone engaging in ANY kind of treatment so she's been all-out mental for a couple months now.

Basically, yet ANOTHER crew guy kept passing through town on his post-Manson gig and although I couldn't prove it I strongly suspected she was cheating on me EVERY single time. And she was, that's been confirmed. She was supposed to be earning back my trust and I just KNEW something was up when they'd text all day and then I'd check her cell and find the whole conversation deleted. Right around the time she'd come home SUPER late, of course. Even if she HADN'T been cheating that obviously wouldn't have been cool, considering her history of infidelities. So considering we were finally a good, strong, solid couple this last time I fucking put my foot down and called her out on it. But, yeah...there are few things BPD patients like LESS than being called out like that. So after she came home from cheating on me YET AGAIN, all coked-up and drunk, her irrational anger manifested in the form of HER attacking and beating ME in the middle of our argument and then her attempting to stab me with keys, scissors, kitchen knives, whatever she could find. Then she started cutting herself and trying to drive off to kill herself and "make it all better," as she put it. So I had to occasionally restrain and monitor her the entire night until she finally passed out. She seemed better the next morning, relatively speaking, but when her manager noticed her bruised arms (from me deflecting her blows and restraining her and from her flailing wildly in close confines) and the dried blood she had on her (from her cutting herself AND me as I disarmed her), it was apparently too golden an opportunity so she told everyone I assaulted HER.

It was just like when that guy "raped" her. She at least had the good sense not to follow through on her lies to the point of actually getting the police involved, but my situation was untenable. As much as I hated to do it, I had to leave before she escalated things any further and wound up putting me in jail with her lying bullshit.

So I've been back home for two months now trying to help her long-distance but she's surrounded by an echo-chamber of her own bullshit down there and has only continued to get worse. I understand everyone circling the wagons around her defensively too, but it really hurts and baffles me that I was the sober and sane one yet MY recounting of the events as they ACTUALLY happened is the one no one's willing to hear. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK. I have a LIFETIME HISTORY of being a perfect gentleman and she has a LIFETIME HISTORY of being completely fucking crazy and trying to kill herself. How can everyone NOT see what's happening there, ffs? I've since discovered that this is a VERY common thread among the victims of BPD outbursts, especially when they happen to be men suffering at the hands of women. It's actually pretty devastating to be SO cruelly and callously maligned by someone like that simply for their own convenience, especially when you're all alone and they have all the support in the world...just not the kind they actually NEED because no one sees what's actually happening because they are such amazingly manipulative people preying upon the sympathies of GOOD people who don't even realize what they're enabling. Ugh.

So I was feeling pretty bitter on my way out. I took back a lot of the stuff I felt like she never really deserved, especially not if she was going to pull shit like THAT on ME of all people. Tickets, passes, setlists...little things like that. It was petty and spiteful of me, I know. But there's a time and place for everything and THAT felt like IT. I just CAN'T STAND the idea of her looking over at her wall of memorabilia and reminiscing about what a great time she had absolutely RUINING our entire time together. I let her use my extra tickets and passes out of pure, open-hearted love and she turned around and cheated behind my back REPEATEDLY on EVERY SINGLE LEG of the tour, so I feel like she's HAD her use of them already and that was PLENTY. But I left the passes for her since she'd already spent so much on frames for them and was being relatively civil the last few days before I left. And I'd already boxed and shipped home the other stuff with my own things before then so I was PLANNING on sending it all back to her when I caught up with it all after Greyhounding home, but she's continued being absolutely horrible again so I'm holding on to that shit until she actually starts treating me like a human fucking being again. And that's apparently too much to ask so that's where things stand now.

I hadn't heard her voice for TWO MONTHS until she called a couple days ago and spent the ENTIRE two minute conversation bringing me up to speed on her history of cheating on me for some reason -- and making the STUPIDEST excuses, like well yeah okay she fucked this one guy but the other two don't count because she only sucked their cocks and that's not even sex and OMFG WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU PSYCHOTIC IDIOT -- before telling me she was going to kill herself, it would all be my fault, and then hanging up.

So it's been EXTREMELY goddamned difficult but I'm trying to stand by her anyway. If she would simply ENTER INTO TREATMENT for her DIAGNOSED DISORDER then she'd be FINE again but she's WAY THE FUCK off the deep end right now and I'm just trying to learn how better to handle it all, keep my distance, and alert her loved ones about what she's doing. But it's hard. I know she's in there somewhere and hurting and DESPERATELY in need of help but it's getting increasingly impossible to deal with when she goes off like that.

The LAST thing she needs is the ONE person who knows what's up and who cares enough to address it to suddenly abandoning her when she needs help the most...but MAN does she make it difficult. I can't even call her my girlfriend anymore right now but haven't bothered changing my relationship status because frankly I'm not particularly interested in anyone else and goddamnit it's not even HER breaking up with ME, it's her untreated mental illness breaking up with some fictionalized version of me she fabricated to avoid her own issues.

I mean, I guess that's how ANY breakup goes (lulz), but like I said before hope never dies.

Well, not YET anyway.

We'll see.

:-\

Jinsai
06-05-2014, 09:10 AM
We saw EVERY SINGLE SHOW of our favorite band together for a whole year FOR FREE. It was basically the best gift I'd ever been able to give ANYONE and, naturally, she shit ALL OVER it.

Again, that's how I knew how bad it was. Who would go so far out their way to fuck up something THAT good if they WEREN'T somehow insane, right?

Red flag number one, she wants to see Manson play over and over again every night.

Seriously though, you offered her something she wanted, and she took it. It's not completely psychotic, any more than it's completely psychotic to think that you're offering this wonderful thing to her, and so in turn she should treat you differently because you were offering this glorious wonderful "greatest thing in the world" as a first-date gift.


First, I heard about her fucking some crew guy in the bathroom after a show like TWO WEEKS out of the gate

Wait... You just said "I was in HEAVEN, man. We saw EVERY SINGLE SHOW of our favorite band together for a whole year FOR FREE."

Red flag number 2, this girl isn't what you think she is. She's a GROUPIE. You're a groupie too, but you're a different kind of groupie. You're giving a GROUPIE free backstage tickets to follow around her favorite band, and right away she fucks the nearest roadie.


but I let it slide because it WAS technically only our second or third date really, even though that "date" was a month long and extremely intimate considering all the travelling we were doing together.

Travelling? Were you sexually intimate? Because, otherwise, you're bunk buddies in her mind, and your basic bond is your mutual adoration of Marilyn Manson... which I'd say isn't the strongest foundation for a relationship.


Plus, she kept telling me she was just wasted and didn't mean to do it and even went so far as to tell me she'd been raped that night but refused to report it even though I BEGGED her to. And they even stayed pretty buddy-buddy on the tour afterward

Red Flag number three: she's telling you she was raped by somebody that she's currently friendly with, and she refuses to go to the authorities about it.


I wasn't about to fuck up some guy's whole life simply because she couldn't own up to what she'd done

You just said you BEGGED her to "fuck up some guy's whole life simply because she couldn't own up to what she'd done," even though it was clearly evident you shouldn't believe her because they were "buddy buddy."


so I left it at that and figured I knew what REALLY happened and just kept a closer eye on things afterward. And things was good for the next few months. Then this last summer we were on the road together chasing the tour again and I found out she'd fucked ANOTHER crew guy behind my back at a show.

Red Flag number 10. You didn't see this coming?


I mean, HOLY FUCK...seriously?

You were seriously surprised? You are just meeting this person, and this has already happened again (that you know about)! It's not surprising!


I almost brought everything to a screeching halt RIGHT THEN AND THERE but

...but?!


she seemed truly remorseful and I had to admit that we weren't TECHNICALLY a full-on "facebook official" couple

She previously told you the first time that she was "wasted and raped" by the lighting guy, then when she jumped on the next available guitar tech, you believed her when she was "truly remorseful?"

and your relationship status at this point is still not "Facebook official." I have no idea what this means. Were you in a sexually monogamous relationship? Were you in an open relationship? Why would the social media aspect matter when you consider your "status" with this person?


yet so I let it go, albeit after MUCH very intense arguing. I just couldn't believe it was even happening. AGAIN. The greatest gift I'd ever given anyone and she was turning it into a COMPLETE fucking train wreck.

"would you like to travel around the country with me and see Marilyn Manson over and over again even though we don't know each other outside of our mutual love of marilyn manson" does NOT immediately make you serious boyfriend and girlfriend.


But we worked it out and finished the tour together, even if only just barely, and we were both pretty happy once she got a handle on her impulse control. After the tour was over I stayed with her in Florida for several months before heading back home and during that time we eventually worked things out enough to become an actual, full-on couple. Although, honestly, I felt like there was just no way in hell I could trust her from a thousand miles away so if we were going to have even HALF a chance at making things work for REAL then I was just going to have to stay right there the entire time. So I did.

So the only way you felt that you could trust your partner to not cheat on you was to keep an eye on her 24/7... I hope that that this doesn't happen again...


And it was mostly great! Her family and roommates all accepted and appreciated me being there to help and with the tour over and us being able to take it easy finally there was a really nice period of relative peaceful normalcy and contentedness lasting several months. It was beautiful! I felt like I was finally seeing the REAL her, unencumbered by all her psychotic cheating, ladderclimbing, and manipulative bullshit. It was painfully apparent to me that she'd only ever cheated on me with the VERY FEW people who had better hookups than I did for tickets and backstage passes so I feel like it's pretty clear what was going on there.

Wait... so you recognized that she was having sex with the most immediate men who were a heartbeat closer to Manson than you, and once that opportunity burned out is when you saw "the REAL her?"
...


Basically, yet ANOTHER crew guy kept passing through town on his post-Manson gig and although I couldn't prove it I strongly suspected she was cheating on me EVERY single time. And she was, that's been confirmed.

There is a pattern here, and it's not a disorder. She probably has a disorder, but you're not a psychiatrist. Let someone else diagnose her, as far as a relationship goes, this is where you walk away. The initial core of your romance is built around the fact that you're a line to Marilyn Manson... in that sense you're an enabler to this kind of behavior.


her irrational anger manifested in the form of HER attacking and beating ME in the middle of our argument and then her attempting to stab me with keys, scissors, kitchen knives, whatever she could find. Then she started cutting herself and trying to drive off to kill herself and "make it all better," as she put it. So I had to occasionally restrain and monitor her the entire night until she finally passed out. She seemed better the next morning, relatively speaking, but when her manager noticed her bruised arms (from me deflecting her blows and restraining her and from her flailing wildly in close confines) and the dried blood she had on her (from her cutting herself AND me as I disarmed her), it was apparently too golden an opportunity so she told everyone I assaulted HER.

Please tell me this is where this story ends and you realize that you need a restraining order.



So I've been back home for two months now trying to help her long-distance but she's surrounded by an echo-chamber of her own bullshit down there and has only continued to get worse.

She attacked you with a knife, and when the cops showed up, she told them you assaulted her. After she repeatedly fucked everyone with an "all access" pass. Your relationship with this person is not a good or healthy thing for either of you.. STOP. TALKING. TO. HER.

STILL, don't take my advice. Ask a doctor who went to school for this. Have you gone to see a psychologist yourself? What advice have they given you on how to deal with this?


I'm holding on to that shit until she actually starts treating me like a human fucking being again. And that's apparently too much to ask so that's where things stand now.

I don't know you, but that's where things stand forever. Don't wait for her to seem authentically remorseful again. Never talk to this person ever again. She's lied to you about being raped, she's lied to the cops about you beating her up, and all of this is predicated upon a relationship built around a foundation of you having access to concert tickets... which she immediately leaped upon as a stepping stone to someone who might have a more permanent access to the person you're both mutually obsessed with.

Again though, ask a psychiatrist/psychologist for advice.


I hadn't heard her voice for TWO MONTHS until she called a couple days ago and spent the ENTIRE two minute conversation bringing me up to speed on her history of cheating on me for some reason -- and making the STUPIDEST excuses, like well yeah okay she fucked this one guy but the other two don't count because she only sucked their cocks and that's not even sex and OMFG WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU PSYCHOTIC IDIOT -- before telling me she was going to kill herself, it would all be my fault, and then hanging up.

Fine. Not your problem. Ask a medically trained professional how you should respond.


The LAST thing she needs is the ONE person who knows what's up and who cares enough to address it to suddenly abandoning her when she needs help the most...but MAN does she make it difficult.

You are not helping her. If she commits suicide, it's not your fault. You cannot allow someone like this into your life, especially if they're acting aggressive, unstable, and resisting treatment. This ends badly. Trying to play armchair (and long-distance) psychiatrist with an unstable (and violent) relationship that is based on very questionable footing is dangerous. Do your best to get her some help if you want, but stay away. Don't meet her or speak with her directly, and instead watch the movie Dear Zachary. It's on Netflix.


I can't even call her my girlfriend anymore right now but haven't bothered changing my relationship status because frankly I'm not particularly interested in anyone else and goddamnit it's not even HER breaking up with ME, it's her untreated mental illness breaking up with some fictionalized version of me she fabricated to avoid her own issues.

wait... you're "in a relationship" on Facebook? End your relationship on Facebook. Actually, no, ask a medically trained psychologist what you should do. Show him/her what you've written here, and ask him/her what he/she thinks you should do.

Why aren't you interested in anyone else besides someone who has repeatedly lied to you about very serious issues, tried to frame you, potentially kill you, and then hysterically reinvolve you in her life with threats of suicide.

You are dragging this out. You need to end it.


I mean, I guess that's how ANY breakup goes (lulz), but like I said before hope never dies.

This is not how any breakup goes. This is not a normal relationship. You need to talk to a pro about this, not look up a disorder on wikipedia and hope you can make things work.

I might be coming across like an insensitive dick here, but when you say things like "hope never dies" it makes you sound like you're continuing to romanticize the notion of this all working out. Anyone who's ever had a stalker can tell you that this can get potentially uglier and more terrifying, and by comparison this makes having a stalker sound like a joke. When someone (that you've been avoiding in any capacity) contacts you and tries to appeal to you by threatening to kill herself, that isn't a game. At that point, idealism and concepts like "hope" get thrown out the window and you seek professional psychiatric (and potentially legal) help. This goes two-fold for someone who has attacked you with a deadly weapon and then lied to the police about it.

I would say that at the same time you should re-evaluate the way you consider what's expected from others when you give them things they can't say no to. Liking a band doesn't make you a match made in heaven. It's a starting point, and that's totally reasonable (it's something in common), but nothing that follows here is. I would say that no matter how impressive your introductory mating ritual is, be it exclusive concert tickets or a ridiculously expensive/exclusive gift of any sort (especially when you're not paying out of hand for it), it entitles you to no emotional connection or relationship. You keep framing this very dysfunctional relationship with aside notes about how she's trashing this great gift you're offering her, and how insane she is to throw it away.

Hazekiah
06-05-2014, 02:43 PM
Well, firstly...thanks for reading all that and giving such a thorough response.

I guess I was unclear on a couple points, though.

She never called the cops, that was just an empty threat she made.

And I didn't just give her the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis myself, nor am I attempting to treat it. She spent three days in the psych. ward after she came out of her coma and after a pretty thorough psych. evaluations that's what they diagnosed her with. I'm simply trying to learn all I can about it myself to improve whatever interactions we have in the future and to understand her problems better because I care about her. Which is the same reason I'm urging her to follow up on it with ANY treatment whatsoever. I occasionally quote her messages back to her and point out which symptoms they represent to help her understand BPD and how badly she needs treatment for it.

It's also not like we just met each other and hit the road, btw. She invited me to come visit her after we spent Halloween together and we spent about a month together on a daily basis surrounding that Thanksgiving as a couple despite formally declaring it any particular type of relationship since it was still pretty early for that and because we lived so far apart, with her in Florida and me in Illinois.

But despite that distance we've maintained daily contact with each other for almost two years, these past two months notwithstanding. And, yeah, the relationship was very sexually intimate and intense the whole time. We weren't just roadtripping "bunk buddies," lol.

And that whole thing with her bullshit rape story just took me a while to sort out. Her story kept changing and it was early enough in our relationship wasn't quite so wise to her shit yet. So, yes, when she upgraded her story to rape accusations I urged her to turn the guy in but when I realized how inconsistent her claims were and started figuring out that she was almost certainly just fabricating the whole thing to avoid personal responsibility I dropped it rather than backing her into destroying the guy's life based on bullshit.

Also, I don't particularly care about facebook relationship statuses...but she does and being "facebook official," as she called it, was a big deal to her. Like I said before, understanding that and being forgiving I let it slide and moved on the first time she used my passes to fuck around behind my back. I figured maybe I'd just misjudged our relationship or something (even though I don't think it's asking too much to expect the person I'm bringing to the shows as my date and my +1 to NOT fuck someone else AT THOSE SAME SHOWS), so I used the opportunity to make things very clear after that and tried to move on. Months later, when it happened again, I was obviously too understanding and forgiving but I was starting to see that she had a real problem but tried to stick it out and help her through it. With the tour almost over I figured things would be getting better, after all.

And, yes, I do feel like I got the know the real her much better after the tour was over. With her removed from the hectic conditions of roadtripping and concertgoing she obviously was in a completely different headspace and was able to address some of her issues and just be cool and relax instead of walking into the lion's den practically every single night and exposing herself to situations where her impulse control problems keep getting out of hand.

You may have missed my earlier posts about this on the previous page, so sorry if I was unclear on any of those points on this one. But I care about this girl and of course I hope things will work out eventually but I have no illusions about it being easy or about her basically having used me for tickets and passes. Which I didn't use as leverage to establish any sort of emotional or relationship attachments, btw. We were already pretty deeply involved and when an amazing opportunity came my way months later I wanted to share it with the girl I loved, that's all. And I do actually think it's pretty insane to accept something like that and embark on a journey like that in the middle of a developing intimate and romantic relationship with someone only to turn around and compulsively cheat on that person repeatedly in the process. I've read her messages to other people about it and things she said about that she never thought I'd see. She loved me back and was head over heels for me actually while not only having no real interest in the people she cheated on me with but actively being repulsed by them. She literally simply could not control herself though and, yeah...that's pretty crazy.

Anyway, thanks again for the feedback. Just wanted to clarify a few points there.

Jinsai
06-05-2014, 09:52 PM
I don't want to come across as a total asshole telling you how to manage a relationship I know relatively little about, but from what you're describing, this person is potentially a ticking time bomb. Be careful, and for both of your sakes, walk away. When I suggested you speak with a psychiatrist, I'm not being condescending or insulting. I honestly think it's a good idea.

If you really want to help her, in my opinion, the last person this girl should be dating is Marilyn Manson's biggest fan, and maybe you should be looking for a partner who doesn't share that obsession as well.

This kind of person can be authentically dangerous, well beyond what she's already demonstrated. When I suggested that you watch the movie Dear Zachary, I honestly and sincerely think it would be a good idea for you to check that documentary out if you haven't already seen it.

We've disagreed about petty things on this site, and argued about meaningless bullshit, but what you're describing here sounds like something well beyond a red flag; this is a screaming panic alarm.

Elke
06-07-2014, 06:01 AM
In the past two years I've discovered that I'm not just a broody, melancholly person, but my social anxiety issues stem from hyperawareness (or, if you prefer, HSP) and have caused me to become chronically depressed.

Chronic. Depression.

I honestly don't know how to handle this. I've always assumed I was just the type of person who was like that, and then it turns out that a large chunk of what I thought was just me, was a disorder. And now it turns out that the disorder has caused me to be on permanent meltdown.

I know I'm being way too dramatic about this - a lot of people are chronically depressed, and they do alright and they manage to stay alive. But I'd kind of like to not have to 'manage to stay alive' but just live. I know there are people out there for whom it isn't a constant struggle or battle, and right now I'm so envious of them.

halloween
06-09-2014, 06:28 PM
A curious take on depression:
http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2014/03/24/the-depths-rottenberg-depression/

I relate a lot to this statement:
"As the great integrator, the mood system is acted on by many potential objects, and many of the forces that act on mood are hidden from conscious awareness (such as stress hormones or the state of our immune system). Left to our own devices, the stories we tell ourselves about our moods often end up being just that. Stories."

Many times I've tried to figure out "why I feel this way" and try to look for answers in my environment until I remembered that I'm sick or that pain I've been feeling for a few days now is going to make me moody!
I've struggled with a quiet depression that I mostly call Existential Depression. I notice that when one thing puts me off, conscious or no (for example, lack of sleep), all my thought patterns associated with depression will come up and I'll go through it all trying to problem solve my mood- I'll question and become depressed about every aspect of my life and identity. I've learned now not to dwell on these moments because if I then catch up on sleep I can easily wake up and feel confident about my self and life all over again! It feels rather bipolar because I know sometimes that if I feel exceptionally well, I will likely suffer a depressive state in the near future. I do sometimes think about seeing a therapist again but I'm not really in a financial position to do so.
Related, I recently was diagnosed with hypothyroid and hello- slow metabolism and low energy levels equals low mood levels! I'm proud that I can be Zen through these moods but I also feel like a failure for not exuding more love like the Buddha I strive to be! Then again I haven't been practicing Zen for years and years. It's been a theory in my life since a teenager but I've only been avidly practicing for the last 6 months about. By that I mean, breathing meditations, yoga, and actually practicing smiling! Being happy is hard work.

Edit:This website is full of gems: http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2012/05/11/internal-time-till-roenneber/
One of my existential depression topics is how fucked up my current job has made my sleep schedule and sleep is SACRED TO ME. I realize that I'm going to battle with this reality for all my life unless I become my own boss.

halloween
06-10-2014, 08:12 PM
I posed the above to FB and someone replied with this great video: http://www.openculture.com/2009/12/sapolsky_breaks_down_depression.html
I'm realizing that how much time I spend reading about psychology makes me wonder if maybe art therapy and ecotherapy is what I want "career" in....This idea of going for a Master's degree has been a love-hate battle in my mind.

Halo Infinity
07-07-2014, 12:53 PM
Perhaps it was due to denial or forgetfulness or a combination of the two, but I've noticed that most of my mental and emotional problems started from my inability to let go. I didn't realize it at the time, but my constant desires, temptations, and qualms to always defend myself, retaliate, and fix everything was a clear sign of me refusing and failing to let go and move on. Sometimes it also boiled down to me being guilty of just always wanting to be right, while getting my way. It also had a lot to do with trying to constantly please others and gain their approval, along with some form of popularity without me even fully realizing it at those exact moments.

I was aware that it was okay to not please people, and even be boring, predictable and unpopular though, but sometimes loneliness and poor self-esteem caused me to yearn for constant approval, which was also backed by a lot of anger, fear, and sadness. It's also no wonder why I was deemed to be emotionally disturbed on top of having ADHD from elementary school through high school. It's also no wonder why you'd also have to forgive yourself way before you can even begin to think about forgiving others. Ego and pride can certainly be quite the monstrosities to deal with.

I also thought that it would always help to explain myself, while trying to solve as many problems as I could, but that sometimes makes matters even worse. It certainly helped me improve my filter and made me realize that there are always more things that are better off left unsaid, and that some problems are better off left untouched, and why I should always try to have a healthy and rational balance of silence and speech. I'm still taking it day by day though, but being reminded and learning more about the importance of letting go has left me feeling more relieved and at peace. It's funny how getting away from it all helped me realize that, which is why I was surprised to see how much my opinion of traveling has changed since I was 13-25. There's some tranquil clarity that I can gain from it, aside from learning about different people and places. I've actually experienced that before, but it's been so long since I've experienced such a thing that I forgot that was even possible to start with.

I also didn't realize as to just how much traveling can teach me about myself and life in general, and I stand corrected. It would be nice to master such things, but like other aspects of my life, this awareness has certainly improved that form of personal work in progress.

-Edit-

I'm also still working on my filter. I know it's important sometimes speak up and be assertive and direct, but I still end up going too far without even realizing it. I suppose I've become more inhibited and more silent again, yet still have some lapses of good judgement.

ophelia_
07-07-2014, 06:16 PM
I feel like this is probably the best place to ask... I've never been involved with anyone that has been depressed, so I'm finding it really hard to feel useful at the moment. As the "partner" of someone with depression, what can I do to help them?

He is normally really non-communicative and doesn't talk about his feelings much, but after popping a couple of valium that his friend gave him (yes, I want to kill his friend) last night, he was really chatty and talking about how he didn't give a fuck about life and didn't care that he was depressed... I just don't know how to react when he tells me how much he hates his life and that I shouldn't worry about him.

I have major issues with being emotionally self-destructive and thinking that everyone elses feelings are somehow related to me - so logically, I know that I am not the cause of his unhappiness but how do I stop my brain from doing that whole "well, you should be making him happy but you're not"... I know that his depression isn't a reflection on me, but I also don't know the best way to help him with it... If that makes sense. Plz halp.

Sarah K
07-07-2014, 07:36 PM
Just keep offering support. You have to be persistent. Often times, they will push away any support that is offered to them. Keep reiterating that you're there to listen, or to just be present. Encourage them to seek professional assistance, and offer to go with them when they make an appointment.

It's honestly exhausting at times. Lots of mental work with little and sometimes no appreciation. But just remind yourself that it is an illness. Any shitty things they say aren't really how they feel.

Swykk
07-07-2014, 09:21 PM
I feel like I got several negative statuses cast on me like straight out of Final Fantasy VII.

Charmingly Miserable
07-13-2014, 07:27 PM
I've been so depressed these past few weeks. I'm out on summer vacation and school is over. Basically that means I'm at home with nothing to do. I'm extremely lonely and feeling highly doubtful that I will get a good job with my degree. Plus, being single is really compounding the whole thing. It sucks hard.

Swykk
07-13-2014, 07:45 PM
I feel you on that one for sure.
My depression and anxiety have had me sick the last 3-4 days. Had to go to urgent care.
I hate being alone but when I'm like this it's so much worse.

Sarah K
07-14-2014, 10:08 AM
I will cuddle both of youuuuu.

Sarah K
07-14-2014, 11:15 AM
Also, trying to reign in my fucking binge eating disorder.

I go through these cycles where I'm like FUCK IT and eat everything. I've been doing that the last couple of weeks. Now I've swung the other way where I probably under-eat and obsess about every calorie that I consume.

I wish I could find a middle ground. My relationship with food will forever be toxic.

Charmingly Miserable
07-14-2014, 05:44 PM
Also, trying to reign in my fucking binge eating disorder.

I go through these cycles where I'm like FUCK IT and eat everything. I've been doing that the last couple of weeks. Now I've swung the other way where I probably under-eat and obsess about every calorie that I consume.

I wish I could find a middle ground. My relationship with food will forever be toxic.
Holy fucking shit. Me too. I'll fantasize about food just as much as sex. I can't find happy medium between my under and over eating habits either.

Sarah K
07-14-2014, 06:08 PM
Holy fucking shit. Me too. I'll fantasize about food just as much as sex. I can't find happy medium between my under and over eating habits either.

There is a definite link between the two for me. When I have a partner and I'm having steady sex, I don't fucking obsess over food. When I don't have sex for extended periods of time(I've lost count how many weeks now... 8? 9?), I can't stop thinking about food. Fuck if I know what the connection actually is. Maybe it's just a case of addiction is never cured, it just shifts around. I just always need something to be consumed with. And those two things are either sex or food.

Swykk
07-14-2014, 06:21 PM
Guess who else daydreams about food and is an ice cream junkie? I probably think about food more than sex because I know I will actually get food :)

Another fun fact: Every October my blood turns into Dairy Queen Pumpkin Pie blizzard. One of the many reasons I love Fall.

nvr_mind
07-14-2014, 07:24 PM
I just recently got diagnosed with fucking epilepsy and is about to get medically discharged from the Navy. It was hard for my ego to except but now I'm cool with it I think.

Sarah K
07-14-2014, 07:43 PM
Another fun fact: Every October my blood turns into Dairy Queen Pumpkin Pie blizzard. One of the many reasons I love Fall.

Oh my god. Talk dirty to me. Hah... I've never had that, but pumpkin EVERYTHING ELSE.

Joy Prevention Hotline
07-14-2014, 07:46 PM
I think I've got the energy now for the 2+ hour drive to the Mansfield show (even though it means capitulating to my nemesis, Nortriptyline).

I also need enough Prozac to keep me from turning into a cornered animal behind the wheel … but not so much that it saps all my hard-won energy. Not sure how much is too much yet.

Charmingly Miserable
07-15-2014, 12:56 AM
There is a definite link between the two for me.
I don't think that there is any correlation between the two with me. However, I get your point. It's about addiction.

I just recently got diagnosed with fucking epilepsy and is about to get medically discharged from the Navy. It was hard for my ego to except but now I'm cool with it I think.
Sorry. :(

Charmingly Miserable
07-17-2014, 12:54 PM
Ok. So today is my birthday and so far I have done nothing but cry. This summer has been the worst for me. I don't have that many friends, no relationship to boast about and my therapist is ignoring me. I'm on summer vacation which makes it even more difficult for me because I'm not working. I have no motivation to do anything even though I know I should start working out. I'm so lonely and depressed. I can't stop crying.

jessamineny
07-17-2014, 12:56 PM
I feel for you. I really do. It doesn't mean much, but :::all the hugs:::

Sarah K
07-17-2014, 01:04 PM
Ok. So today is my birthday and so far I have done nothing but cry. This summer has been the worst for me. I don't have that many friends, no relationship to boast about and my therapist is ignoring me. I'm on summer vacation which makes it even more difficult for me because I'm not working. I have no motivation to do anything even though I know I should start working out. I'm so lonely and depressed. I can't stop crying.

We should be long distance work out buddies.

I'm trying to make an appointment with a GP so that I can get a referral for a psychiatrist. I've felt shitty for like a month. I thought I was just stressed about my grandma and moving and etc, but I'm still feeling shitty, and just having NO motivation. I'm just trying to avoid falling back into the full on depression cycle. I want an opinion on if I should go back on medication for a while or what the fuck is going on.

Anyway, let's motivate each other to work out.

<3

AgentofChaos
07-17-2014, 01:09 PM
What is your favourite thing to do on the planet? Go and do that. Tomorrow will be better.

You could also focus on a bunch of people that have it worse than you in life. That could make you feel better? When you realize how far from the bottom you are on the getting the shaft in life scale, the little things like not knowing what to do with your vacation might seem not as bad.

Sarah K
07-17-2014, 01:13 PM
Yeah, that's good advice for someone just going through a rough day or week. But that doesn't work for clinical disorders.

Charmingly Miserable
07-17-2014, 01:14 PM
I hear you. I don't want to fall back into a full blown depression either. I know that this is temporary but it's so easy to fall back into a depression and much more difficult to get out of. I hope you will be able to see a psychiatrist. I'm not really into meds but if that's what's gonna help you, by all means do so. <3

Swykk
07-17-2014, 06:26 PM
Thinking about people who "have it worse" just makes it worse for me. Then I feel shitty for feeling shitty. It's akin to telling a person with anxiety to calm down or tell a depressed person to just get a helmet.
I look at all problems for me and mine as equal ground. Whatever is hurting you is the same as what's eating me. To degrade another's issue isn't how I do things.
i could be wrong.

Halo Infinity
07-17-2014, 11:44 PM
I just can't seem to control myself whenever I'm angry or sad. It reminds me why I'm often at my best when I'm just calm and/or happy. It also turns out that I find anger and sadness hard to express in real life because I'm horrified and ashamed at expressing those emotions due to my lack of self-control and fear of conflict while looking and being very bad. I didn't claim to be among the nicest people in the world, and I certainly try my best to be kind, but when I'm angry, it's as if I have no conscience or moral compass whatsoever, which can also apply in thoughts, emotions and words. There were so many times where I'd just conceal and repress anger and sadness, and only expressed those emotions when I couldn't take them anymore, which often made me explode. It just leaves me unstable and a wreck.

I've only done it a lot more on the Internet because it's just a lot more convenient and safe that way, but it still goes to show that I need to get some sense of tranquility and self-control whenever I get angry and/or sad. (And besides, even that's also caused me some forms of regret, shame and grief before, so in the long run, it still isn't worth it.)

I also didn't know where to put this, and this seemed to be the right thread for it. It also made me further realize why I have a tendency to become a recluse and "too quiet at certain times" to start with. It's also a reminder as to just how important virtues such as self-control and patience actually are. Oh, and as for the sadness part, it's just mostly embarrassing for me.

Frozen Beach
07-18-2014, 01:24 AM
I swear, my depression is getting worse. It's not an often occurrence anymore like it has been in the past, but when it happens, it's like every fucking ounce of positive energy is sucked out of me, and all I'm left with is an overwhelming amount of negativity I feel like I've been hoarding throughout my life that just never seems to escape me no matter what I do. I'm only 23, and I'm about to turn 24 in September. It terrifies me that moments like this will most likely happen throughout my life. Maybe I should be on some form of medication, but it worries so much that it will make me feel like such a different person. I get that it would help me on my bad days, but what about my good days? I'm probably worrying over nothing. If I could get my life in some form of order, I probably wouldn't mind these moments as much.

Baphomette
07-25-2014, 01:09 AM
I knew the sex drive was gonna be diminished but this is ridiculous. I'd rather wash my dishes. And I NEVER wash my dishes.

sentient02970
08-01-2014, 05:41 AM
I'm being accused, again, of being passive-aggressive. At first, I take this with a slice of offense and turn right around and consider the source as also being very passive-aggressive. But having spent some sleepless hours considering it, maybe I am very much this way and don't even know or choose to ignore it. That worries me. I consider myself someone very aware of his behavior and how it affects others. I may be way off the mark. This is something I feel a clear need to work on as I am seriously wondering if I'm also generally an asshole and don't even know it.

Camille
08-03-2014, 12:06 PM
Interesting thread, it's good that people are here talking about mental health issues, and some of you are brave to be doing so.

I was diagnosed with manic depression (as it was called then) when I was 19, I spent 3 months in a psych ward and was given lithium to help control it. I'm 43 now and still need to take medication every day. I have had 4 long stays in hospital over the years, mainly due to severe depression.
Two years ago I took an overdose of my meds and was out for three days before doctors woke me. The doctors told me I was very lucky to be alive... not that I felt lucky at the time. Since then I have been quite stable, having found a helpful level of meds and talking therapy to get me by. Thoughts of dying are still with me, and possibly always will be, but I feel I can control those feelings better than I ever did.
I have a good level of professional and personal support and things seem to be ticking over nicely right now.

My advice to anyone feeling depressed or suicidal? Ask for help, don't be afraid, I cannot stress how important that is.

Charmingly Miserable
08-03-2014, 01:36 PM
I have a good level of professional and personal support and things seem to be ticking over nicely right now.

My advice to anyone feeling depressed or suicidal? Ask for help, don't be afraid, I cannot stress how important that is.

I think having a good support circle is crucial. Good for you. :)

I had the worst night last night. I had hit a low point and I needed help. I've been feeling very depressed lately and it was just very overwhelming. I spent hours last night crying in my room. I'm not suicidal but I don't feel safe alone. I just can't handle the loneliness and I don't have a big support circle. I couldn't get a hold of my therapist and there was no way that I was gonna check myself into a hospital. In fact, there really is no mental facility where I live. The feeling of loneliness is constantly consuming me. I can't stand seeing people have lives, whether it is a facade or not. I just graduated from university and have this overwhelming fear that I won't be able to get a job (I'm trying to switch careers). I hate feeling this way but I feel absolutely helpless and hopeless. I'm acutely crying right now. Sorry.

Kid Charlemagne
08-03-2014, 02:55 PM
Four years ago on August 1st, I tried to take my own life. I had downed a month's worth of sleeping pills and hoped for the worst. I was in a bad place in 2010. My mom was having multiple surgeries, I almost flunked out of college, I didn't get a promotion at work that was promised, my drinking and drug use was out of hand, the only girl I had ever loved to this point had walked out on me...and the night before my car died on me. It was dark, tragic, and I hadn't told anyone about the multitude of problems I faced. While I still have some problems, I feel that for the most part I have conquered my "demons" from the past that led me down that road, but mostly how to deal with everything. I still get down, and sometimes I drink way too much, but I don't feel nearly as bad as I did that day, and haven't thought about going down that road again.

In short, some of you know this story, some of you don't, but a lot of you on here have been my friends for some time and I feel helped me get through a portion through it. You guys and girls know who you are, and I'm forever grateful. And I'm glad I'm still here to make memories with you guys and hope to do so in the future.

Space Suicide
08-03-2014, 03:06 PM
In short, some of you know this story, some of you don't, but a lot of you on here have been my friends for some time and I feel helped me get through a portion through it. You guys and girls know who you are, and I'm forever grateful. And I'm glad I'm still here to make memories with you guys and hope to do so in the future.

Don't know you incredibly well but I feel off the computer you and me would probably get along just fine. I'm glad you're in a better place now. Hardships are never easy.

Kid Charlemagne
08-03-2014, 03:29 PM
Don't know you incredibly well but I feel off the computer you and me would probably get along just fine. I'm glad you're in a better place now. Hardships are never easy.

That means a lot. You and I used to be indifferent towards each other, but I feel we've connected on here (ESPECIALLY the Wrestling thread), so I'm grateful for that. I won't lie and say that this whole ordeal hasn't been easy, but it's nice to feel in control of my life, something I no longer take for granted.

Space Suicide
08-03-2014, 03:58 PM
That means a lot. You and I used to be indifferent towards each other, but I feel we've connected on here (ESPECIALLY the Wrestling thread), so I'm grateful for that. I won't lie and say that this whole ordeal hasn't been easy, but it's nice to feel in control of my life, something I no longer take for granted.

Oh yes, I remember. But scummy water under the bridge. :)

I'm not going to preach but each person's difficulties are harder to cope with. It's good you're in control and have finally adjusted to move forward. Bad times don't last forever! Last week I got in a car accident, I've been unemployed since my College Graduation (Class of 2013) and my father is a drunk so yeah, I know the feeling helpless and wits end tirades all too well. :/

zah
08-03-2014, 06:23 PM
I've been diagnosed with the classic depression-anxiety combo. Something shitty happens and bam, I'm out for months, although when my mum died it was over a year. I've been going to therapy for years though, and taking sertraline (Lustral/Zoloft) which helps. Kills my sex drive, but it used to be so high it was a source of distress anyway.

I also recently went through an episode of psychosis that lasted about 3 months, due to binging on psychedelics and becoming deficient in vitamin B12. That was terrifying and horrible and the closest I've come to ending my life (and that of others) and I never ever want to go through that again no sir thankyou ok bye.

I'm also at the tail end of opiate withdrawal, so I feel kinda pleased with myself for getting through it. Now to develop productive hobbies or even, god forbid, get a job!

Keep thinking on-and-off that I have some degree of aspergers, but it's probably because I lack identity and need an explanation for what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-me-anyway.

icecream
08-04-2014, 02:37 AM
Don't know what to do with life. I'm so sick of school at this point and I hate both my jobs. Part of me wants to just stay in town and start a band again. Other half wants to go to the States and stay with some family and sort my shit out. My anxiety is coming back worse after I controlled it a bit with some therapy. It's probably time to go back. I have been scared of death for about a year now once I finally realized it happens to everyone. That's kind of triggered my problems to come back.

Halo Infinity
08-05-2014, 03:19 PM
Outside of my issues with anger, hate, fear and depression concerning ADHD, AvPD and SAD, it turns out that I seem to have an "All-or-Nothing" personality for several things or most things. I could understand and see how and why that would be limiting, boring or even extreme for some people. And it really is true that I often find myself to be either completely interested or bored with most things. It's as if I'm either utterly in a state of being devoted or dedicated to being passive or apathetic. This isn't to say that there are some things that I'm just average, fine or okay with though.

I could also see why this could also be extremely counterproductive or even destructive, especially when it comes to "Doing it well or not doing it at all" or "Only making a move when I'm 100% sure about something." which is why I'm still working on it. And then there's also "people-pleasing", which I've often mistaken for being a good person. I'm sure it's partially due to my low self-esteem and self-worth from time to time, along with the fact that I still have a hard time forgiving myself. Anyway, I'm just taking it one step/day at time. I need to keep remembering that.

By the way, for anybody that's interested, these seem to be very legit, informative and supportive sites regarding mental health. I have a feeling that I might've posted some of these before, but there were some other ones that I also might've missed/forgotten if I did.

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/ - The home page.

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/ - The forum.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/ - The home page.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/forums.html - The forum

http://www.addforums.com/

http://www.psychforums.com/

http://psychcentral.com/ - The home page.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/ - The forum

-Edit-

I was just watching some videos from The Amazing Atheist again, and I happened to find this video of his concerning his social anxiety. He pretty much got me down to a T. It would be like a peek into how I think when it comes to dealing with conflict and judgement.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pa6mFiPHbN4

theburningreptile
08-05-2014, 03:59 PM
It is nice to read this thread to know I am not alone. I believe I posted in this thread once before, but I think i'll go into more detail this time about what I have and why. Since I can't talk to my family about it because they will get on the defensive. I need to vent. You all have my support by the way. I know how hard it is to have disorders.


Anyway, I have

Borderline Personality Disorder
Schizaoaffective Disorder
Asperger Syndyome
PTSD
Mind form of Tourette syndrome
ADHD and
Anhedonia


Yes, I'm not making this up. I have been diagnosed with all these things.


Alright, it all started when I was about 5, moved to Calfiornia with my Mom, Step-dad and Brother. Long story short my Step-dad was abusive. I was abused for 5 years emotionally and sexually. It has dwarfed my ability to be emotional and when I do become emotional I don't know how to handle it. I had felt nothing for a long time, not suicidal just detached from everything, when I did, I felt like my evil side was battling my good side intensely. My thinking has become shattered also, I jump around from subject to subject and it doesn't mirror what I talked about before. Anyway, my disorders over the years had gotten worse and school was unbearable, I hated socially interacting with people, hated looking them in the eyes. Not because I hated them but because I felt uncomfortable and unworthy. I didn't even graduate high school. I have plans to get my GED, but for the longest time I couldn't really function like a normal person. I just got lost in my obsessions. Mostly superheros and music. Music and superheros have been a big part of me not going insane. Also the help from my doctors over the years. I'm getting better about being social and looking people in the eye when I talk to them. It takes time though. What I'm trying to say is I think you can do it. I'm here for all of ya.

Alright, I'm done rambling. I hope I made a bit of sense.

elevenism
08-05-2014, 05:38 PM
i am not having much luck with the antidepressant i'm using.
i have an appointment scheduled with a psychiatrist (i was getting my mental health meds from my family dr,) and i wonder, are any of you having luck with any of the newer SSRIs?

Baphomette
08-05-2014, 08:41 PM
Here's the thing about antidepressants... They will not work if you're using other non-psychiatric drugs.
You could go through every single one of them but as long as you're still using recreationally, they're not gonna help. Period.



i am not having much luck with the antidepressant i'm using.
i have an appointment scheduled with a psychiatrist (i was getting my mental health meds from my family dr,) and i wonder, are any of you having luck with any of the newer SSRIs?

Charmingly Miserable
08-05-2014, 10:35 PM
elevenism Kris and anyone else: Have you tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? That shit works. It saved my life and my whole outlook on things.

elevenism
08-05-2014, 10:42 PM
Here's the thing about antidepressants... They will not work if you're using other non-psychiatric drugs.
You could go through every single one of them but as long as you're still using recreationally, they're not gonna help. Period.

well, you know what i am prescribed. i guess xanax IS psychiatric.
But will my pain medicine really keep an SSRI from working?
I used to take escitalopram/lexapro along with suboxone, and it SEEMED to work...

why would opiates affect a serotonin re-uptake inhibitor? serotonin doesn't have anything to do with opiate receptors that i know of.

or does it have to do with consistency of dosing? see, my mom is on fentanyl and klonipin, and she says she can tell when she does and doesn't take her lexapro.

i guess i could see the antidepressants not "working" because of the mood swings due to changes in endorphins.
but i have someone holding my meds these days so i don't overtake them.
@Miss Baphomette (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=11) , do you think that opiod analgesics taken PROPERLY would cancel the effects of a serotonin or serotonin/norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor?

please elaborate because, as far as brain chemistry goes, i don't understand...unless you are saying that serotonin/norepinephrine/dopamine regulation can be overshadowed by endorphin irregularities...

and Charmingly Miserable , no i haven't. I've had a bit of luck with Dr. Albert Ellis's rational emotive therapy...i have a workbook for it. It is great for self esteem and self actualization especially.
My extent of experience with cognitive therapy is from some group therapy at rehabs and looney bin visits. Is it something i can do myself with a book, or must i have a therapist?

Halo Infinity
08-05-2014, 10:55 PM
@elevenism (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=2475) @Kris (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=244) and anyone else: Have you tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? That shit works. It saved my life and my whole outlook on things.
Oh no, I actually haven't, but I've certainly heard about it before.

Dra508
08-05-2014, 10:59 PM
s. Is it something i can do myself with a book, or must i have a therapist?
You don't have a therapist or someone you are doing CBT with? Sorry, I'm confused.

elevenism
08-05-2014, 11:07 PM
You don't have a therapist or someone you are doing CBT with? Sorry, I'm confused.

no, Charmingly Miserable mentioned CBT.
I currently don't have any therapist at all. I have been just taking meds for years, no talk therapy.
i know i would probably benefit from talk therapy, but i had two bad experiences and i am kind of scared of therapists now.

one of them told her niece, (with whom i went to high school,) "all about me." She thought that her niece should date me and spilled all kinds of stuff i had told her in confidence.

The next one (i was seventeen) was a goddamned pedophile i guess...at the time i thought he was just gay and thought i was gay too..but i was fucking SEVENTEEN.
Anyway he always wanted a hug, and the hugs got longer and longer, and then one day he touched me, you know, inappropriately. And what was worse than the one-time touching were things that he said often during the sessions, things that i won't repeat here, when i tried to make sense of my sexuality and sex hang ups and such with him...ughhhh it was fucked up. I should have sued him.
I haven't had a therapist since.

Charmingly Miserable
08-05-2014, 11:10 PM
elevenism Kris Dra508 I did CBT at my 3 month stint in an outpatient facility 3+ years ago. If you can't find a therapist/facility that does CBT, read The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David D. Burns. I don't do self help books at all, but that book was my bible for a while. Seriously, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (http://www.nami.org/Content/NavigationMenu/Inform_Yourself/About_Mental_Illness/About_Treatments_and_Supports/Cognitive_Behavioral_Therapy1.htm) and that book saved my life.

Dra508
08-05-2014, 11:22 PM
no, Charmingly Miserable mentioned CBT.
I currently don't have any therapist at all. I have been just taking meds for years, no talk therapy.
i know i would probably benefit from talk therapy, but i had two bad experiences and i am kind of scared of therapists now.

.
I haven't had a therapist since.

I'm so sorry you had bad experiences twice. That sucks. Color me naive, but all that you talk about here, the self medicating you do along with docs that give psych meds with no therapy just seems a recipe for destruction . How are you ever going to improve you life if you base it solely on what chemicals you out in your body? Even then, it's a constant practice as you posted as to what or what dose as well as interactions. Yes, I know balancing brain function is very important and necessary for lots of people, but I believe (again maybe naively) that we humans often need support and assistance sometimes to be more self aware of our behaviors, figure out maybe why we do what we do and better ways to deal when how we are in situations that are destructive, counter productive or hurtful.

ophelia_
08-06-2014, 12:59 AM
... Wait, how can you even get anti-depressants if they haven't been prescribed to you by a therapist?

Or is Australia just different in that regard?

elevenism
08-06-2014, 06:52 AM
@Dra508 (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=101) , you are absolutely right i'm afraid.

It's probably time for me to get over that shit...it happened in high school after all.
And i think i'm about ready to take the plunge. Thanks for your post, because, due to what you said as an objective observer, i will probably do it sooner than later.
@ophelia_ (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=4413) , idk how it is in Australia, but here any doctor can prescribe psych meds.
furthermore, we have psychiatrists and psychologists. as far as i can tell, psychiatry is a cross discipline of regular medicine. In texas, these are the guys who set up what basically amount to medication clinics. A social worker interviews you, the psychiatrist talks with you a little more and then prescribes meds.

A psychologist, on the other hand, has a doctorate in psychology and can not usually prescribe meds. These are the top-notch guys for talk therapy, but they are usually pretty damned expensive to see.
@Charmingly Miserable (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=3645) , i looked up Burns and it appears that his work built upon the work of my beloved Albert Ellis, so i am definitely going to have to check that book out.

This is definitely a good thread, y'all. (yes, i really say y'all...i'm from texas after all. ;))

edit: full disclosure, i did do SOME talk therapy a few months ago, but it was 100 percent focused on my relationship...and i got scared of telling the therapist all my shit, so i stopped. My wife still goes.
I have insurance now though, so i'm gonna find someone with whom i am comfortable.

elevenism
08-06-2014, 07:52 AM
sorry for double post and off topic but hey, ophelia_ , for some reason the tiny town of 2000 where i live, Stratford TX, has a sister city called Streaky Bay, Australia. It's on the Eyre Peninsula in the south. have you ever heard of it?

for some reason they sent us a plaque commemorating our sisterhood.

OK, back on topic.

I suggest everyone having mental health issues check out Rational Emotive Therapy, the brainchild of dr. albert ellis.
It focuses quite a bit on the principal that if A. is the stimulus and C. is the emotion or reaction, B. is what we say to ourselves in between.
If we can change that self talk, we can effectively change our feelings.

Is this anything like CBT?

Sarah K
08-06-2014, 08:56 AM
ophelia_ Basically any doctor, nurse practitioner, PA, etc can prescribe anti-depressants here. They hand them out like fucking candy. For the smallest thing...

Most psychologists cannot prescribe medications. They can in a few states, though. And a few years ago, there was actually a push for it. It failed in most areas, though(thank goodness).

MOST regular doctors, while handing out anxiety and anti-depressants like candy, will not prescribe the more serious psychotropic medications, and you generally must see a psychiatrist for that. Getting in to see a psychiatrist is a HUGE pain in the ass. It takes forever.

elevenism
08-06-2014, 09:36 AM
Getting in to see a psychiatrist is a HUGE pain in the ass. It takes forever.
yeah i can attest to that.
my psych appointment is in september and i have been waiting since june. :(

Cat Mom
08-06-2014, 10:26 AM
[MENTION=4413]Getting in to see a psychiatrist is a HUGE pain in the ass. It takes forever.
It's that way for most specialized physicians. I had to wait three months for an initial appointment with my neurologist, and my mom had to wait that long before she got an appointment with her pulmonary specialist.

Cat Mom
08-06-2014, 10:47 AM
But will my pain medicine really keep an SSRI from working?

why would opiates affect a serotonin re-uptake inhibitor? serotonin doesn't have anything to do with opiate receptors that i know of.

maybe she's talking about seratonin syndrome? http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/serotonin-syndrome/basics/definition/con-20028946

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16368927?dopt=Abstract

Also, I believe antidepressants take some time to take effect and often require a dosage increase, depending on which one you're taking. Family physicians aren't usually very knowledgable about this stuff, and don't know enough about them to monitor them properly. Your new psychiatrist will be much more qualified to help you in that regard.

botley
08-06-2014, 11:00 AM
My sister has been contributing to this blog (http://healthymindscanada.ca/category/supportive-minds/) called Supportive Minds. It's written by people coping with mental illnesses and I find it incredibly fascinating, heartening, entertaining, and helpful.

elevenism
08-06-2014, 02:07 PM
maybe she's talking about seratonin syndrome? http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/serotonin-syndrome/basics/definition/con-20028946

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16368927?dopt=Abstract

Also, I believe antidepressants take some time to take effect and often require a dosage increase, depending on which one you're taking. Family physicians aren't usually very knowledgable about this stuff, and don't know enough about them to monitor them properly. Your new psychiatrist will be much more qualified to help you in that regard.

definitely. i miss my psychiatrist in dallas...this local yokel doesn't seem to have a clue about psych meds and treats my request for a higher dose of citalopram after two months like a request for oxycontin or something.
he really gets off on the little bit of power that he has...i had to reschedule a referral he gave me and he responded by taking me off of an antipsychotic medication as, as far as i can tell, a fucking punishment. and when i called to try to speak with the medical assistant about it, she fucking hung up on me. i am seriously looking forward to never seeing this eerie fucker again.
i am seeing a pain specialist in amarillo for my back problems and will be seeing a psychiatrist in amarillo for my psych issues. (amarillo is the "big city" around here, lol.)
thank god.

Cat Mom
08-06-2014, 03:03 PM
definitely. i miss my psychiatrist in dallas...this local yokel doesn't seem to have a clue about psych meds and treats my request for a higher dose of citalopram after two months like a request for oxycontin or something.
he really gets off on the little bit of power that he has...i had to reschedule a referral he gave me and he responded by taking me off of an antipsychotic medication as, as far as i can tell, a fucking punishment. and when i called to try to speak with the medical assistant about it, she fucking hung up on me. i am seriously looking forward to never seeing this eerie fucker again.
i am seeing a pain specialist in amarillo for my back problems and will be seeing a psychiatrist in amarillo for my psych issues. (amarillo is the "big city" around here, lol.)
thank god.

According to this, the dosage is supposed to increase (http://www.medicinenet.com/citalopram/article.htm) (unless you're already at the max suggested dose).


The usual starting dose is 20 mg in the morning or evening. The dose may be increased to 40 mg daily after one week. A dose of 60 mg has not been shown to be more effective than 40 mg. As with all antidepressants, it may take several weeks of treatment before maximum effects are seen. Doses are often slowly adjusted upwards to find the most effective dose.

My friend's primary put her on 10mg of Lexipro and after a few months it seemed to be working for her anxiety, but then she was back to being pretty anxious, again, and I told her to check with her doctor. By that point, her primary had split and she had a new primary, so NOBODY was monitoring her Lexipro at all, which is what happens when you have your primary physician giving you these drugs. So she asked about it and they said, oh, yeah, Lexipro works best at 20mg. Wtf. So they upped her to 20mg right away and wow, jeez, better. (eyeroll).

Her primaries before this used to dole out Valium and Xanax like candy, but big cities doctors are no longer doing this since the AMA has been slapping these docs and pharmacies with warnings.

ophelia_
08-06-2014, 05:57 PM
sorry for double post and off topic but hey, @ophelia_ (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=4413) , for some reason the tiny town of 2000 where i live, Stratford TX, has a sister city called Streaky Bay, Australia. It's on the Eyre Peninsula in the south. have you ever heard of it?

Haven't heard of it, but just googled it and it looks pretty! It's in South Australia, and I haven't been to that state yet - so might need to check out your sister town if I ever go there! (There's not much to do in South Australia)


@ophelia_ (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=4413) Basically any doctor, nurse practitioner, PA, etc can prescribe anti-depressants here. They hand them out like fucking candy. For the smallest thing.

Aaah, gotcha. Pretty sure that a GP doctor can prescribe anti-depressants here, but most wouldn't. They recommend you either go and see a psychologist or psychiatrist. Psychologists can't prescribe medication though, only psychiatrists.

Aaaand off topic, but I keep reading CBT and cock and ball torture and thinking 'but how will getting your balls stomped on help with your depression?'

Dra508
08-06-2014, 07:52 PM
I have insurance now though, so i'm gonna find someone with whom i am comfortable.
LicSW's can do talk therapy.

Baphomette
08-06-2014, 08:32 PM
well, you know what i am prescribed. i guess xanax IS psychiatric.
I don't think you've ever told me what anti-depressant you use. Xanax isn't an anti-depressant nor is it a psychiatric med altho' psychiatrists DO prescribe it for anxiety and panic attacks. It's also used to help chemo patients with nausea. It's a benzo and in the same family as Ativan and Valium. (I'm a walking PDR, honestly.)

BTW - that messed up death penalty case that happened in AZ a couple of weeks ago? They used a benzo and an opiate to try to kill the person. FYI.

Charmingly Miserable
08-06-2014, 10:27 PM
I suggest everyone having mental health issues check out Rational Emotive Therapy, the brainchild of dr. albert ellis.
It focuses quite a bit on the principal that if A. is the stimulus and C. is the emotion or reaction, B. is what we say to ourselves in between.
If we can change that self talk, we can effectively change our feelings.

Is this anything like CBT?
It's something like that.

And fuck HMOs.

Cat Mom
08-07-2014, 12:36 PM
I suggest everyone having mental health issues check out Rational Emotive Therapy, the brainchild of dr. albert ellis.
It focuses quite a bit on the principal that if A. is the stimulus and C. is the emotion or reaction, B. is what we say to ourselves in between.
If we can change that self talk, we can effectively change our feelings.

Is this anything like CBT?
Some of it is. See this (http://www.nacbt.org/whatiscbt.htm).

elevenism
08-07-2014, 04:38 PM
It's a benzo and in the same family as Ativan and Valium. (I'm a walking PDR, honestly.)

loz me too.

Lorazepam, Clonazepam, Alprazolam, and Diazapam, hooray. But Benzodiazapines ARE psych meds, aren't they?

Honestly i can't believe that benzos are still so readily available. They are some of the most addictive substances in the world and you can die from the withdrawals.

But when i'm having a panic attack, nothing else works.

If i could afford it, i would just get back on suboxone. it (bupronorphine) is actually used as an antidepressant in many countries, and it worked for me. I was in rehab for alcohol some years ago and the dr kept pushing it on me because i mentioned that i took opiates occasionally. i swear i think the clinic was getting kickbacks from it.
but anyway, i finally tried it. I was at the worst point of my drinking, and miraculously, i just quit.
The next two years were the most productive of my life. With AA and suboxone i was able to keep from drinking or taking any drugs. I was top salesman at my sales job. i was on top of the fucking world...happy all the time.

i often wonder if those of us who are predisposed to opiate addiction are missing some essential brain chemical or function that opiates provide.

a warning lest anyone try this...suboxone is INSANELY addictive.

Joy Prevention Hotline
08-08-2014, 04:14 PM
Honestly i can't believe that benzos are still so readily available. They are some of the most addictive substances in the world and you can die from the withdrawals.
Yeah, Klonopin is the one drug that I've learned to hold at arm's length. And for some reason, SSRIs made the withdrawal worse.

I still keep some Klonopin on hand for emergencies, but a 30-day supply can last me for years at that rate.