The Mental Health thread - depression, bipolar, ADHD, you name it

[Volband]

My cousin took up Brian Tracy and his Hungarian version a month ago, because his girlfriend showed him. He went bonkers. We haven't talked in 3,5 months, so it was with great surprise to see how shallow, utterly dumb and incoherent he became. I was waiting for the "BAZINGA!", but it never came. He lives abroad, so the only 3 major influence in his life are:
- his girlfriend, who showed him Mr. Tracy
- his mother, who's suffering from midlife crysis, took up Buddhism, divorced and started tattooing herself
- his simpleton father, who just nods to everything

He made no sense. He could not put three sentences together, which followed any line of logic or pattern. He low-key mentioned thinking about suicide, but said that positive thoughts saved him. He continually contradicts himself. He has no vocabulary of his own. Now, he was never the smartest guy, but damn, half of his speech were just words from Brian Tracy put together terribly. Like, he kept talking to me about REAPING, but never explained to me what does it exactly mean. He took motivational quotes as his own. He told me a brave man expresses his feelings, to which I reminded him that I saw him liking the exact same motivational quote 2 days ago on Facebook.
He never explained anything. I tried the calm approach, asking genuine questions about this shit, but he never answered. He just kept running and running and running. At first I was fascinated, I mean, how often can you say you are literally witnessing someone's mental breakdown, but it just never stopped. It was like he had a manic episode, which he deliberately kept up for a month now.

He also had an extremely arrogant and condescending tone, which I don't even think he realized. He had many remarks that I can't understand this, but he is here to help, and it's okay to not get it at first; hell, he kept insisting me being skeptical is actually a great first step into this brave new world!

He said he doesn't want to be a chef anymore. Something he was so adamant a year ago and practiced so much. No, he decided that he is a musician and he will make money from being a producer/dj, because being a chef is giving in to the system, and he is not giving into the system, because he reconfigured himself and now he understands everything...

His father has a bad case of mental vulnerability, he is extremely fragile, and it was obvious even at a young age that my cousin is suffering from the same. Last year, when he was still sane, he told me that sometimes he feels like going mental under the pressure and he doesn't want to end up like his father. I told him to go to a therapist, but I don't know if he ever did. (edit: found the discussion on facebook from 2016. June: "This is how it's been for a while now, I'm fallen apart mentally. You get it? Any little incident and bam, I'm having a nervous-breakdown. :D I can't do anything with it :D Sometimes it scares me out a lot, and I am surprised by myself.")

Words can not penetrate his bubble. I tried to play the nice guy, then I tried to be confrontational, but I had to realize that I can not speak with someone, who barely exists anymore. His vocabulary is nearly non-existent, and he even kept misusing those few words. Like, he talked a lot about logic and intelligence, but he had no fucking idea what logic and intelligence is, because none of those sentences made sense!!! In his barrage of re- and misused words - which is extremely uncharacteristic by him to begin with, and I know him for 21 years now, since that's how old he is -, there were remains of his old self, but if not for those little jokes here and there, I wouldn't have any idea who am I talking to.

I'm not sure what to do. It's clear he can not be convinced, but I can't just say fuck off now, can I? In a year or two he will going to collapse, so I'd like him to know he can reach out to me then, before he actually kills himself, but I absolutely can't get myself to communicate with "him". Not only I feel like I'm enabling this idiocity, he lacks anything resembling of a personality, bar the few instances I mentioned. He is fucking happy for everything, he just keeps saying yes plus the accompanying empty words. I have deeper discussions with cats, to be honest.

Anyway, I don't really have a question or a problem of my own, but maybe someone can relate. I don't know, just wanted this off from my shoulders.

[[parasite]]

ok, just had my Lamotrigne upped, another 50mg, so now on 350mg of that and still taking 45mg of Mirtazapine (highest it goes)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[Pbgut]

I have an adverse childhood event (ACE) score of 4 or 5 depending on how I answer one particular question. Either way, it's high. All the events occurred in my home. In more layman's terms, it was an emotionally abusive home with occasional violence mostly not directed at me. It started young. I was reasonably smart and escaped into music and got to go to school for a long time, but my chronic depression and the financial necessity of moving back home made me become reliant on (addicted to) anti-anxiety medication, which I am slowly getting off of. It's been a rough life. I had a Dx of pure OCD but I think a lot of those harm OCD thoughts were just kind of due to repressed anger from my circumstances, and the symptoms have mostly faded.

[[parasite]]

OK yesterday I had an informal interview for a decide group, which I've been waiting months for. and today I was told I've been chosen as 1 of 12, who will take part in the group and learn new coping skills and and healthier wellbeing. it's a 16 week course, and I'm quite looking forward to it. even though the 2 women explained how the course runs, I'm still really not sure what to expect if that make sense.

if anyone is interested in what a decider group is http://www.thedecider.org.uk/



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[[parasite]]

started the decider group, only 10 of us showed up, but really not too sure what to make of it? yeah it's only the first session, i know, but i usually get a feel for thing first time off, also i went to school with one of the girls who attended too, this makes me feel very unsure too


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[HWB]

Today I genuinelly wanted to swallow entire pack of sleeping pills. But then upon research I found out from at it isn't 100% reliable, got pissed about the fact. I dunno why, before suicide was like "Fuck, I will kil myself one day", I used to be terrified of the fact I had such thoughts, now it seems to be more like "I wish I had the guts to kill myself". I dunno, maybe stuff is pilling up and my mental state got worse and it is showing. I am still unsure right now about it, but I had my first moment today where I really just wanted to die.

[eversonpoe]

Today I genuinelly wanted to swallow entire pack of sleeping pills. But then upon research I found out from at it isn't 100% reliable, got pissed about the fact. I dunno why, before suicide was like "Fuck, I will kil myself one day", I used to be terrified of the fact I had such thoughts, now it seems to be more like "I wish I had the guts to kill myself". I dunno, maybe stuff is pilling up and my mental state got worse and it is showing. I am still unsure right now about it, but I had my first moment today where I really just wanted to die.

are you currently seeing a therapist? because you need to be. i'm not being rude, i want you to get the help you need. 1-800-273-8255 in the meantime, please call the national suicide prevention lifeline and talk to someone. i hope you're going to be ok <3

[HWB]

are you currently seeing a therapist? because you need to be. i'm not being rude, i want you to get the help you need. 1-800-273-8255 in the meantime, please call the national suicide prevention lifeline and talk to someone. i hope you're going to be ok <3

Not currently, but I definetelly plan on doing so, I have done so in the past though, I believe that with enough effort I can probably get better. Thank you for replying-

[Louie_Cypher]

i can only speak for me but after my stroke i went through some pretty sever depression which i guess is common as well as anger and other personality changes i found going to a stroke support group helped a lot i think being able to talk with others who are or have gone through helps, just having someone let you know they understand, i wish you all the best and if you need someone to talk or even vent to fell free to PM me
-Louie

[[parasite]]

Today I genuinelly wanted to swallow entire pack of sleeping pills. But then upon research I found out from at it isn't 100% reliable, got pissed about the fact. I dunno why, before suicide was like "Fuck, I will kil myself one day", I used to be terrified of the fact I had such thoughts, now it seems to be more like "I wish I had the guts to kill myself". I dunno, maybe stuff is pilling up and my mental state got worse and it is showing. I am still unsure right now about it, but I had my first moment today where I really just wanted to die.

with my Borderline Personally Disorder, I've tried that way twice, and obviously it didn't work.
it can fuck up yer liver quite good. most of the time you vom up if you down a large dose of meds. the first time I had to drink activated charcoal shake which had the consistency of a thick paint. which
but I'm quite sure I'll try it again before my time is up!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[Dandelo]

I think I've been either having some sort of mental break for the past week. Either that or I'm getting my feelings back after years of pushing them down. Either way, in the words or Rent & Stimpy's Mister Horse: "Nosir, I don't like it."

[ton]

I have hypervigilance as a side effect of ptsd. I've been trying for 3 years to find a cure for it. I went through cognitive behavior for a while with limited success. It's exhausting because I am always on alert and am sensitive to every sound and sight. My heart used to beat all day long and I had shallow breathing. It also gave me a lot of bowel issues as I had intense stress. I am thinking of going back to counseling again since I am depressed about it.

[HWB]

I genuinelly hate being autistic, I believe it is damaging my relationships.

[aggroculture]

last week was pretty tough, the weekend too, and now this week is getting off to a grim start
hope I can breathe a bit tomorrow!

[eversonpoe]

last week was pretty tough, the weekend too, and now this week is getting off to a grim start
hope I can breathe a bit tomorrow!

:: big hug ::

[richardp]

Finally bit the bullet and set up my first therapy session in a couple of weeks. My depression has lingered for years and years but I learned early on how to manage it independently. But over the last year and a half, I have finally truly spiraled out of control. I've been slowly losing hope in the world, and the way our current Government seems to be actively punishing us for simply existing, it's just really fucking destroyed my psyche. Yesterday I found myself literally wishing someone would smash in to me while I was driving. My lack of empathy and lack of motivation in general I think has finally hit a boiling point. I'm really scared of therapy for some reason, but I'm hoping this is the right call. I'm just tired of being numb to everything and sitting around waiting to die.

[Sarah K]

I should have health insurance for the first time since 2012 starting in November, and I am so goddamn excited. I cannot wait to get back on Wellbutrin, dear god.

Right now I am:
- Working
- Taking four classes (two of which you are not supposed to take together - Statistics and Advanced Research Methods, but in order to do my Capstone project next semester, they both have to be done)
- Serving on the Governing Council for my school
- Involved in a Leadership Academy that has weekly meetings and I have to do 200 volunteer hours by the end of the school year
- This coming Thursday, I will be nominated and elected to the Student Association at my school, as they have a member who has not shown up
- Looking at different grad school options and starting to narrow down my choices

And all I want to fucking do is sleep. I have never had my schedule so packed. There is something basically every weeknight for the foreseeable future, and none of it is fun. I thought the show in Vegas would pump me up and get me motivated for the rest of the semester, but no. All this shit better pay off and get me into grad school, because I have never been this tired in my entire life. I've been putting off doing laundry for a solid week now. All I want to do when I get home is lay down. I am only home for about 7 hours each day during the week.

Kill me.

[Sarah K]

last week was pretty tough, the weekend too, and now this week is getting off to a grim start
hope I can breathe a bit tomorrow!


:: big hug ::

Same. You are so smart and funny, and I hope things start going better for you!

[eversonpoe]

Finally bit the bullet and set up my first therapy session in a couple of weeks. My depression has lingered for years and years but I learned early on how to manage it independently. But over the last year and a half, I have finally truly spiraled out of control. I've been slowly losing hope in the world, and the way our current Government seems to be actively punishing us for simply existing, it's just really fucking destroyed my psyche. Yesterday I found myself literally wishing someone would smash in to me while I was driving. My lack of empathy and lack of motivation in general I think has finally hit a boiling point. I'm really scared of therapy for some reason, but I'm hoping this is the right call. I'm just tired of being numb to everything and sitting around waiting to die.

it took me a long time to convince my wife to go to therapy. it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, it just means that you need help figuring out how to navigate the world and yourself. the trick is finding the right therapist. if you find the right person, it will be extremely beneficial for you.

i started therapy earlier this year for the first time in over a decade, and while i haven't reached my goal yet (being able to transition), it has opened up all these avenues about things i didn't even realize i needed to work through, and has been very helpful thus far.

hope things get better, dude. i like you a lot and i don't want to see you so unhappy. <3

[Disassociative]

I’ve been blessed with social anxiety. I’ve had it for a few years now but only finally got help 4 months ago. I’m on Paxil now - 20mg and even that hits me hard sometimes. My stamina is shot and I get tired so easily but it’s better then been afraid to leave the house. It’s better than throwing up thinking about something that makes me uncomfortable. It’s better then breaking into cold sweats whenever I get a phone call from anyone. It’s better than shutting myself at home almost every day of the year when I wasn’t at work.. It’s better then having sleepless nights endlessly worrying about stuff that I shouldn’t be worried about. The catalyst for me to get help was at my uncles birthday where I got absolutely wasted. Prior to that I had been drinking to cope with social situations and family gatherings but I sort of had a moment of clarity the next morning - if I can’t be comfortable around my own family, what else is left? So yeah on meds now it’s helped a lot. I’ve been doing stuff a year ago I wouldn’t dream of doing. My family and friends have been incredibly supportive and every now and then I still have bad days but I’m not afraid of everything anymore.

[Swykk]

My dog Jack has been sick this past week. He’s 12 now, almost 13, so I think every time he gets sick it could be the end (he’s a husky). He is pretty much my kid. I love him so much. And then my mind starts going, “Once he’s gone, there’s nothing keeping us here.” My friends and family all would be okay quickly if I went.
Its been real frustrating knowing I’m doing the best I can, trying to be the best I can in all things, and still not getting where I want to be.

And it’s not like I haven’t tried therapy (I end up being told I’m right to feel the way I do about various things in life but I’m not reacting in the most positive ways. Okay. Great. Tell me how I should react! I’ll try. But of course, I don’t get those answers). I’ve tried multiple meds that either don’t work or throw my stomach into hell.

Sarah knows a little bit about this and we haven’t talked really in a few years. That’s how long I’ve been fighting this.

I am exhausted. I am tired of this. Tired of life. This year has been horrific. Trump and his daily horrors. Daily pain due to neuropathy. Relationships I lost out on due to my body not working right and now that it’s working slightly better, it’s too late to rekindle. Then my grandfather and good friend died within two days of each other. Work is a political nightmare. I don’t feel safe or calm anywhere these days and what really sucks is that I don’t think anyone really cares.

I know I’m just going through the motions. And again, when Jack goes, that might be it for me too.

[aggroculture]

:: big hug ::

Same. You are so smart and funny, and I hope things start going better for you!

Thanks both. Sarah I hope you get some sleep: you're going places!

[marodi]

My dog Jack has been sick this past week. He’s 12 now, almost 13, so I think every time he gets sick it could be the end (he’s a husky). He is pretty much my kid. I love him so much. And then my mind starts going, “Once he’s gone, there’s nothing keeping us here.” My friends and family all would be okay quickly if I went.
Its been real frustrating knowing I’m doing the best I can, trying to be the best I can in all things, and still not getting where I want to be.

And it’s not like I haven’t tried therapy (I end up being told I’m right to feel the way I do about various things in life but I’m not reacting in the most positive ways. Okay. Great. Tell me how I should react! I’ll try. But of course, I don’t get those answers). I’ve tried multiple meds that either don’t work or throw my stomach into hell.

Sarah knows a little bit about this and we haven’t talked really in a few years. That’s how long I’ve been fighting this.

I am exhausted. I am tired of this. Tired of life. This year has been horrific. Trump and his daily horrors. Daily pain due to neuropathy. Relationships I lost out on due to my body not working right and now that it’s working slightly better, it’s too late to rekindle. Then my grandfather and good friend died within two days of each other. Work is a political nightmare. I don’t feel safe or calm anywhere these days and what really sucks is that I don’t think anyone really cares.

I care.

You're in a bad place right now and the only thing you should concentrate on is yourself. One thing I've learned in this life is that if I don't take care of myself, nobody will do it for me. Same as you. I really believe you should reconsider therapy but first. I believe you need the right diagnosis about what is wrong with you. Then you can see how to deal with it. It's an unbelievably hard thing to do but it's so worth it.


I know I’m just going through the motions. And again, when Jack goes, that might be it for me too.

No it is not. I absolutely believe you love your furry baby with all your heart and should it be his time to go, you would be devastated. I believe there are people around you who care about you but the place you are in right now prevents you from seeing it. Jack loves you and is devoted to you because he senses all that is good within you. That's what pets do. So the best thing you can do right now is to take care of him and to take care of yourself. Because you are worthy.

*hugs everyone in this thread*

[ton]

Does anyone have experience with cognitive therapy and treatment (like being forced to face head on your triggers and stresses)? I am so bad now that I literally feel stomach cramps, sweat, get muscle pain, shallow breathing, etc when I go outside. It seems like even going to the treatment sessions will mess me up because I am going out. I was wondering if they could come to my place at first and slowly get me outside so I get used to it. I am so desperate for a better life.

[Substance242]

I know it's not easy sometimes, and there's no instant cure, but remember this?

"Everything is awful and I'm not OK" (PDF link (https://www.uccs.edu/Documents/wellness/wellpromo/Everything-is-awful.pdf), or google for other formats) At least little help maybe.

[Swykk]

marodi—I appreciate your kind words.

I took a break from ETS this past week. Jack is still not better yet but he seems to be on the mend.

[ton]

Today I made a little progress by finally going outside the house. I saw people, buildings, traffic for the first time in forever. It felt weird, like a world I knew was real but only became a dream inside my head since I refused to leave anywhere. I am glad I can face my problem head on. I still feel like a coward and failure for having this problem though.

[kel]

I still feel like a coward and failure for having this problem though.
please don't. easier said than done, i know. sounds like you recognize how brave you are for making big steps. be proud and make a goal to give it another go for tomorrow or later in the week.

[allegro]

Today I made a little progress by finally going outside the house. I saw people, buildings, traffic for the first time in forever. It felt weird, like a world I knew was real but only became a dream inside my head since I refused to leave anywhere. I am glad I can face my problem head on. I still feel like a coward and failure for having this problem though.

Don’t seek ways to beat yourself up; seek ways to build yourself up and self-advocate; what you did today is amazing progress. Pat yourself on the back. The world is FULL of people with issues. You aren’t alone in that. Keep your eye on your goals.

[ton]

Thank you allegro and kel

This has been something I deal with for about 3 years now. I am just taking little steps to have a normal life again. I think I'm gonna go back to my mental health nurse and schedule cognitive therapy.

[aggroculture]

edit/ nevermind

[Yellowlovebear2]

I personally knew that I had depression by the time I was 9 though I did not get proper treatment till I was 18. That is when my drill sergeant heard that I was thinking about hurting myself so of course he got me seen A.S.A.P. Long story short I have Severe depression, Generalized Anxiety disorder, A.D.H.D. as well as P.T.S.D. and they think that I am autistic. I struggle everyday with this pain as well as others. If you feel that there is anything wrong do not hesitate to get help. Don't let things build up the way that I did.

[allegro]

edit/ nevermind

These are always my thoughts. :)

[chuckrh]

pit of misery, dilly dilly

[ton]

Today, worst depression I've had for years. I feel emptiness and no hope. Happens.

[elevenism]

Today, worst depression I've had for years. I feel emptiness and no hope. Happens.
Shit, hang in there. HMU if you like.

[Yellowlovebear2]

I'm so f-ing depressed and I don't know what to do. HELP!!!!!!

[slave2thewage]

I just started taking Lexapro. Things haven't been great for me for the last two or three years, save for late 2015/early 2016, but things have been ROUGH since August. The culmination was a giant panic attack just before a test I had a few weeks ago (they let me retake it, thankfully). It's early days, but I feel a bit better. The only side effect so far is that I feel a lot more tired than normal.

[playwithfire]

I'm really sad.

[eversonpoe]

I'm really sad.

:: hug ::

sorry, dude. i've been having a really rough time lately, too. if i lived in NY i'd come hug you in person.

[playwithfire]

<3 solidarity, I'm sorry stuff has been sucking for you.

[Yellowlovebear2]

I just want to die.

[Amaro]

I just want to die.

Still with us, feller? Say yes, please.

///

How am I just now understanding Cyclothymia is a thing?

///

Anyone here experience or has experienced depersonalization and/or derealization (DP/DR) while completely sober?

Thankfully I don't have the disorder, not anymore at least (once upon a time I might've been diagnosable - pretty sure my counselor back then didn't want to risk scaring me with that). When all is said and done, it has been, by far, the biggest and darkest illness/experience to meet my brain in these 30 years, not to mention likely being the alien that gave birth to a host of new issues I've lost track of (so to speak - IMO every issue is a part of the same original psyche in some way, however finely threaded). If I could erase one trauma from my life...it wouldn't be seeing my dad unexpectedly die in front of me, or anything else...no--it'd be DP/DR. But I guess it might have been bound to happen for me at some point. A very, very perplexing and completely frightening state to have to go through, particularly in my first year of the countless times it happened. Everybody is different, but I have to assume that mine would have fallen on the scale under moderate-to-severe, if not severe.

The very first time it happened (2013), I am pretty sure I was 100% sober, and if I wasn't, it would've been a small enough weed hit some hours before what transpired, to turn a new reality. I usually have a good memory about these things, like most things, but it's understandable where my brain is apparently lacking pieces from that evening and night. Of course, I am well aware weed can trigger it, as can a psychedelic (as well as some other things, a prescription drug for skin care, I seem to remember, and of course just plain ole high stress/anxiety). Anyways, I won't go into full details, but it was dark out, and there was one trigger that had been culminating in my worries for some time. When the switch was made, it was obviously completely, completely unexpected (zero knowledge or frame of reference as to what was going on), while not occurring in a stressful environment to me (albeit with high stimuli). I absolutely thought I had...gone...crazy... With whatever brain I could still feel I had, I thought that and I truly believed that. To go from normal conscious reality to feel as though I was suddenly faceplanted up to a TV screen and watching...staring out...not realizing anything anymore...not feeling nothing anymore... To truly feel without a soul, let alone a body. NOTE: This would last for hours, as all of the future episodes would; not some kind of "brain hiccup". If only.

The problem today for me is it's still on my brain's table of selection to turn to in response to something so stressful. Something that is considered high stress/anxiety is so unique to each person. For example, becoming ill can throw off my whole being, potentially pretty quickly, and I can start to fall to the "other side". And if I'm about to throw up...well, DP/DR has been almost a sure thing to accompany. Extra dreadful. Night time...night time for me is 100x more likely to produce an episode than daytime. More often than not, when I’m indoors, unless it’s bedtime, even if it’s noon on a sunny day I will have had all lights turned on, without even thinking about it. I have to be very comfortable with my mind, my environment, and company to go for dim lighting.

The reason it shook my life up so bad was, even after an episode would stop, or in a brand new morning (where everything is appearing fine as it was for me)...I simply couldn’t resume the normal reality. I couldn’t let it go. I didn’t want to? It was the twisted thought processes and realizations I had in the other realm that left a scar...the awareness acquired in such a devaluing state was too shocking. Needless to say, this inability to cease being stuck only worsened my stress and anxiety. Greatly. In moments that the world around me was as normal as could be, my thoughts would grow to become very detached (almost how it is in an episode), without a feeling of grip on them whatsoever, as if my fixation on all my problems and existence around me would put me in a limbo. I would essentially get no satisfaction or sense or connection out of life as it were, for however long I would keep that tick up...and sometimes actually have an episode as a result. And this cycle went on, and on, and on, and on. For too terribly long. Everything in my life got way worse before it got any better.

I’ve come a long way in understanding how I and/or my brain works in all sorts of situations, not just the bad/stressful ones; I believe therein lies the hitch that began it all for me. A deficiency of self understanding.

[elevenism]

@Amaro (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=74) I've been going through something that's slightly similar. It starts with deja vu and includes like phantom smells, a pervading sense of unreality, and sheer fucking terror.
I thought I was losing my mind, but it turns out that a type of seizure can cause every bit of what happens to me, and it's not even all that rare.

It happened to me for a couple of days last year. Then it went away for about six months, up until last week.

Reading the symptoms for partial complex seizures, I am 99% sure that they are the culprit, especially since these episodes are accompanied by grand mal seizures.

So yeah, I realize that it isn't exactly the same thing, but I can relate for sure. I feel like I'm in a dream, and my perception of time is fucked up.

[Amaro]

@Amaro (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=74) I've been going through something that's slightly similar. It starts with deja vu and includes like phantom smells, a pervading sense of unreality, and sheer fucking terror.
I thought I was losing my mind, but it turns out that a type of seizure can cause every bit of what happens to me, and it's not even all that rare.

It happened to me for a couple of days last year. Then it went away for about six months, up until last week.

Reading the symptoms for partial complex seizures, I am 99% sure that they are the culprit, especially since these episodes are accompanied by grand mal seizures.

So yeah, I realize that it isn't exactly the same thing, but I can relate for sure. I feel like I'm in a dream, and my perception of time is fucked up.

I've never heard of this condition, nor have I known of such an episode to exist... I'm sorry to hear it, man. Seizures of any kind are a ballgame I can only sympathize with. Ticking time bombs, what a fucking thing to live with...I don’t want to imagine...it’s hard to. Involuntary and undesirable disassociation is so close to my heart; I'll forever be leaning shoulders to anybody trying to walk thru that world. Keep up the research game, as I'm guessing you do, and mitigate with as clean of medicine (self or prescribed) as you can, and forget not the power of diet and meditation (and that tapping in each time can potentially bring you deeper to inner peace than you knew you could). You know you best.

A thought: when I grow older, I really doubt any neurodegenerative illness or illnesses will strike me and miss. My brain feels so faulty already, especially lately, though I'm sure I'm forgetting that it may actually just be my rather intense mood swings (then again I don't know what that fucking says about my actual brain, or what it ever may have meant before).

For example, I totally never ever meant to volunteer my personal accounts of disassociation from the post above, it's truly very personal, but it just--BOOM--apparently had to happen that day, inexplicably. Had to. And I've learned through becoming vulnerable, in a straightforward example like that one, that on a normal basis I very consistently fight hard to keep my vulnerabilities (of all varying degrees) from people, on top of other filters I have in play. Unsurprisingly, I end up kidding myself just as much, if not more, than anyone else, like as if those secrets aren't actually mine anymore. No, bad things do not necessarily define a person completely, and it's absolutely vital to not allow that defining (because ultimately, or after a certain point, I believe that sort of thing is part choice), but I feel like I've been outright condemning parts from my past because I think I can’t deal, because normally I wouldn’t or don’t even try to. I’m unconsciously casting too deep a separation. From this, I feel I've been going about reaching closures a bit haphazardly, sacrificing being able to attain long-term perspective on issues that have in fact been a notable part of my life. I believe this all comes back 'round to the important role and sheer power of acceptance. Only from there is the true start or re-start to your own life guide.

There have been some peculiar moments where I'll stop—realize just how fragile the/my pscyhe is, or, rather how the reality around us is so self-defined (cue matters of the ego). All from experiencing perspectives of having felt it and the self disintegrate (bless this Flaming Lips song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvvGYEjloOg)), in the ways I've brought up.

I'm fairly positive I was misdiagnosed a form of Bipolar around 15 years ago... I never seemed to receive clear or enough diagnoses to what feels like a lot of things going on in me. Quite possibly Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Definitely not quite ever a panic disorder. Most likely Depersonalization and/or Derealization Disorder of the past (as I mentioned earlier). I don’t think ADD or ADHD, though my attention can be a problem. Maybe Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder or some symptoms. 100% sure of "Pure O" (behold, my biggest mental health affliction, next to DP/DR). Avoidant Personality Disorder would hold a ton of truth (though I would say I defy it more and more slowly with age). Cyclothymia or some symptoms sounds like a really safe call. Aspergers had come up in discussions along my way... But, maybe Borderline Personality Disorder. I've come to consider that one, after substantial time, and after great, great struggle of accepting that as a possibility...or at least some symptoms. Right now, what I do know is I'm digging rather deep within my self and bigger decisions as of late, being in a brand new environment from a big relocation, something I'm very sensitive to (for better or worse for this time in my life), based on my upbringing of frequent change. It's all exciting, sometimes overwhelming, and just a little scary. There’s this novel feeling I now have around my head of ‘letting it all hang out’... I feel like I’m just now learning how to trust my guts!

This hoppy beer has really helped my attention and nerves tonight. [emoji3]

[elevenism]

Amaro , thanks for the lovely writing!

[Amaro]

@Amaro (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=74) , thanks for the lovely writing!

Happy to. I may or may not have edited some minor things, but the message is certainly still up! :>

I’m thinking of anybody out there going through things right now (I’ve had enough of my own issues today [that feeling when you just need to clear the air around you…every fucking ion]).

[think i'm a fire engine]

I've been experimenting with psilocybin as a possible treatment for my depression. I take medication, but I hate the side effects and the benefits seem to be hit or miss. I know I'm not the only one, but still it's a struggle. If I continue to get good results, I may make it a permanent thing. I am taking 1.5 grams every two days, and I'm starting to notice some positive benefits.

[Amaro]

I've been experimenting with psilocybin as a possible treatment for my depression. I take medication, but I hate the side effects and the benefits seem to be hit or miss. I know I'm not the only one, but still it's a struggle. If I continue to get good results, I may make it a permanent thing. I am taking 1.5 grams every two days, and I'm starting to notice some positive benefits.

I was wondering when this thread would take from the Drugs thread, just a little... I’m working on a blend of supplements currently (brand spanking new: L-Tyrosine & 5-HTP 10:1, and Inositol, as for the specialty ones), never have tried mushrooms, and I’m not sure if I will ever (want to). But if we are talking about microdosing...I really wonder about achieving something potentially great from that. I want to believe.

[Greasebot9001]

Anyone ever feel like Mexican Jesus driving a taco truck through hell?
There's no customers but everyone's thirsty and you're all out of lemonade.
Joking is too easy, but does it make it more or less real?

[Boots]

Please everyone show your support for Kevin Love and Demar Derozan. They are both on Facebook. Thanks.

[Baphomette]

I was wondering when this thread would take from the Drugs thread, just a little... I’m working on a blend of supplements currently (brand spanking new: L-Tyrosine & 5-HTP 10:1, and Inositol, as for the specialty ones), never have tried mushrooms, and I’m not sure if I will ever (want to). But if we are talking about microdosing...I really wonder about achieving something potentially great from that. I want to believe.Been taking 400mg of 5-HTP for almost two years now. Doesn't completely stave off the depressive cycles but makes them a bit more bearable. And none of the shitty AD side effects.

[r_z]

I need some advice.

A good friend and colleague of mine is in trouble, it seems. He's always been very pessimistic, fatalistic and stressed out about basically everything he encountered at work/life that's challenging. So a few weeks ago a new couch he bought was delivered in broken condition. And that seemingly sent him over the cliff. He's on sick leave since then, because he's - in his own words - making his mind up all night , not letting him get rest or sleep.

He then went on to watch a lot of documentaries about depression, because years earlier he got diagnosed with severe depression and got in treatment for it for a few sessions. He aborted those, because he wanted to enter civil service and, in our country, they won't let you with certain "issues", such as mental illness. So now he's in civil service and is insured with a private insurance company. The problem now is: He's somehow under the impression that he might not have informed that company in enough detail about his earlier aborted treatment, so in his mind it's not unlikely that they won't not even pay for future bills, but are likely to take back every cent they spent on him in the last couple years. That's why he refuses to leave the house, drive a car, go to a therapist (his depression is not the problem here, but the insurance stuff, he says). He even told another friend how it must be better for his family, if he ended his life right there and then, because that way his family would only have to put up with the funeral costs, instead of all the money he, in his mind, owes the insurance company, whenever they find out about it.

So, being that he's a good friend, I want to help him, because -in my mind- the stuff he's so afraid of isn't likely to happen. But how do I help him? What's the best way not to put any more pressure on him? The way I see it: He needs someone professional to talk to - not in this case specifically, but for his everyday struggle with work and life and stuff. But for now, I think, it would be best for him to make his fears about that insurance stuff go away... but how? I'm a bit at loss here.

[Greasebot9001]

I don't believe insurance companies can deny coverage for preexisting conditions anymore. One of the few good aspects of aca.

[thefragile_jake]

Just recently got back on medication to deal with my overall mood swings and for the most part, it's been really helping me ... but on ugly rainy days like we're having in St. Louis today, man oh man does my depression weigh on me. I deal with immense anxiety from work, bolts on anger from my short fuse from frustration and overwhelming sadness for a variety of things. Being on Xanax and my new Equetro mediciation has been working, but a lot has been weighing on my mind.

Thinking of how older we get as life moves forward makes me depressed and in many ways, I hope I die before my parents do. I'm 30 years old and with my Mother recently going on dialysis last year, I start to get immensely depressed about the thought of both my Mother and Father no longer in this world. Thinking about how fast life flashed before me, I have selfish thoughts of hoping that in some way my life dissipates before my parents. Technically, they would eventually die twice as no parent should have to bury their child ... and I don't necessarily have suicidal thoughts, but I worry about my future without my parents guiding their light as the years pass away.

[eversonpoe]

Thinking of how older we get as life moves forward makes me depressed and in many ways, I hope I die before my parents do. I'm 30 years old and with my Mother recently going on dialysis last year, I start to get immensely depressed about the thought of both my Mother and Father no longer in this world. Thinking about how fast life flashed before me, I have selfish thoughts of hoping that in some way my life dissipates before my parents. Technically, they would eventually die twice as no parent should have to bury their child ... and I don't necessarily have suicidal thoughts, but I worry about my future without my parents guiding their light as the years pass away.

i know exactly how you feel, dude. it's a really odd thing to think about.

[xfocalinx]

I'm finally seeing a therapist for my depression. After one session it seemed to really help. I've been depressed and guilty since breaking up with my girlfriend in 2012. All this time I felt like I made a bad choice.. I've kept it a secret for years but I explained to my therapist that things changed, I had spoken with her several times "this needs to change or we're done" and they didn't..so I pulled the trigger..My therapist brought it to my attention that of course I'm going to be sad, I didn't WANT to end it..I tried to fix it. That revelation really opened my eyes. I still feel depressed and guilty and would take her back in a heart beat..but I feel good knowing I'm getting the help I need.

[playwithfire]

Yesterday, I was having more intrusive thoughts yesterday than I've had in a while. I'm okay, good opportunity to reassess my healthy coping skills and examine if anything might be contributing to them. But, oh hi, that part of my mental illness. I wonder to what degree hormonal birth control impacts/helps with that since I've been off the pill this year (it does a lot for my hormonal depression).

[r_z]

The state of the friend I spoke of above really worries me.
He's under the impression that he's in a situation in life, where he can't get out of. Said situation doesn't seem bad at all from the outside - I even asked a lawyer about it, who said there should be nothing for my friend to worry about.

My friend hasn't eaten much in the last few weeks, says he doesn't have enough energy in him to go seek the necessary help, because he says he needs all his energy for the next few weeks at work, which are going to be tough. Also, he can't sleep.

He's not in denial about his condition, but he's doing nothing to get said help. Even when offered help and ways to get there (by his friends). Yet, he's home alone ivesting all his time and energy in reading stuff on the internet about alleged problems he might have in life, which ouf course is making everything even worse.

I'm worried about him. And I don't know what to do.

[Greasebot9001]

...like when you become a fun house mirror for people to justify their new hairdos...

[Sarah K]

Uuuughghghghg.

[eversonpoe]

Uuuughghghghg.

:: hug :: ?

[Swykk]

The last 30 days I’ve had can go fuck themselves. Scratch that...the last year can go fuck itself.

[Pbgut]

Anybody else here feel kind of like a failure, even though they know intellectually it's not their fault, for not overcoming their issues? I spent a large chunk of my 20s hooked on Ativan, not able to deal with my anxiety, living like a hermit. I've recovered somewhat now, but I can't help think of all the time lost to an illness or emotional condition that totally got the better of me and my youth for a long time. I was functional throughout high school even though I had issues, but I started to isolate at the end of college before taking a big nosedive for awhile. Anyway, just something I've been thinking about as I enter my mid-30s.

[[parasite]]

be careful with the ativan, very addictive!
I started to depend on it about 5 years ago, try and stay away from the benzos, they are a nasty bunch of meds
Phennigan is probably safer, it's an antihistamine, but is known for its calming at a higher dose, and it's available over the counter! so you could ask a pharmacist their advice

good luck


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[Swykk]

It’s frustrating that I learn lessons on how to deal with certain people and/or situations, but of course forget those things when I need them.

I am a fixer too. I’m always wanting to fix something, especially if part of the reason it is damaged is because of something I said or did.

Hopefully some of you can relate. I feel very isolated these days.

[Pbgut]

be careful with the ativan, very addictive!
I started to depend on it about 5 years ago, try and stay away from the benzos, they are a nasty bunch of meds
Phennigan is probably safer, it's an antihistamine, but is known for its calming at a higher dose, and it's available over the counter! so you could ask a pharmacist their advice

good luck


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

Yeah, I got off of it. Worst experience of my life but I did it finally. I feel like Rip Van Winkle.

[[parasite]]

great news, awesome well done!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[Jon]

be careful with the ativan, very addictive!
I started to depend on it about 5 years ago, try and stay away from the benzos, they are a nasty bunch of meds
Phennigan is probably safer, it's an antihistamine, but is known for its calming at a higher dose, and it's available over the counter! so you could ask a pharmacist their advice

Definitely agree on Ativan; it's got the shortest half-life of all the commonly prescribed benzo's over here. Klonopin is one of the safest (as far as addiction), and what you're meant to be on if taking benzo's long term, but they're becoming more and more regulated because of popularity among the opioid crowd. While I'd never recommend others take it, I've been on Klonopin for 8 years.

--------------------------------------------------------------

If you're going to go the antihistamine route, dollar store benadryl. 1-2 tablets every 4-6 hours or 30 minutes before going out. Don't be a dummy.

[Pbgut]

Definitely agree on Ativan; it's got the shortest half-life of all the commonly prescribed benzo's over here. Klonopin is one of the safest (as far as addiction), and what you're meant to be on if taking benzo's long term, but they're becoming more and more regulated because of popularity among the opioid crowd. While I'd never recommend others take it, I've been on Klonopin for 8 years.

--------------------------------------------------------------

If you're going to go the antihistamine route, dollar store benadryl. 1-2 tablets every 4-6 hours or 30 minutes before going out. Don't be a dummy.

Yeah, I suffer from memory loss due to being prescribed it on a daily basis long term. The withdrawal was the worst experience ever. I stopped taking it six months ago and I still have headaches every day, that started during withdrawal. I don't believe it really works if you take it every day (edit: due to tolerance and rebound anxiety, where the meds actually make the anxiety worse as it wears off or in between doses), so I'm not entirely sure my doctor knew what they were doing. I found out about the memory loss when going to a neuropsychologist evaluation and that doc blamed it on the Ativan. She said it could recover but will take years.

I've personally had no success with medication and have found that not eating shitty food, exercise, and developing more positive self-talk has been more helpful for me than those approaches. (I even had a drug-induced hypomanic episode when on gabapentin, ativan and zoloft at the same time - pretty sure my doctor was incompetent though.)

Good luck to everyone on here with their struggles; be patient with yourself and get a second opinion if you don't think your doc is working in your best interests.

[elevenism]

re: benzos- for me, it's kind of a "cut your losses" sort of thing.

xanax is the motherfucking antidote for me-it's the thing that's been stopping my panic attacks for a long, long time (as in almost a decade.)

and it isn't like i didn't try damn near everything on the market first, from every SSRI available, to antipsychotics, tricyclics, beta blockers, and prescription antihistamines. basically, i'll take the side effects in return for being able to stop daily panic attacks.

i just hope they don't have a "war on benzos" like they are doing with the opiate "crisis."

For one thing, i have a hard time functioning without a mg of xanax here and there, and for another, it's INSANELY addictive, true. And the withdrawals can literally kill you. :/

[NIN –Downward Spiral Book]

Hello, this is a very interesting thread – can I ask if you started this because you feel/have experienced that lots of NIN fans have experience of mental health issues? In the UK it's broadly speaking 1/4 people, so that isn't saying much – but from a research point of view, I'd be really interested to know if people find NIN music cathartic/helpful in managing their condition or just helping them to feel better in general?

[elevenism]

Jesus, I've been having more and more bat shit crazy episodes of OCD.
It's always been there but pretty mild: usually things having to do with numbers where everything is better if it relates to 11 or 1111 somehow and 13 being bad.

But NOW, I've been having situations where I have to hear and understand every single word on a tv show or something terrible will happen. This results in me rewinding shit over and over.

Or how about this: I had to find this vitamin d supplement before we left to get NIN tickets, or something awful would happen. I spent hours looking for it (I didn't actually NEED it by the way.)
I finally decided that if I drew a tarot card that could be interpreted in a positive way and brought a different vitamin d supplement, then we would be ok. Also, that same day, I started burning an audio book that I didn't realize was going to take up 25 CDs.
But I had to finish it or, again, something terrible would happen.

Why in the fuck ist this just now becoming a problem? I just turned 38!!

[Pbgut]

Hello, this is a very interesting thread – can I ask if you started this because you feel/have experienced that lots of NIN fans have experience of mental health issues? In the UK it's broadly speaking 1/4 people, so that isn't saying much – but from a research point of view, I'd be really interested to know if people find NIN music cathartic/helpful in managing their condition or just helping them to feel better in general?

I actually started listening to NIN as a kid, before I was depressed. I just thought the music was exciting and basically unlike any music I had ever heard before. I don't think I had the emotional intelligence to get that the music was super depressive in an angry sense; it just sounded revitalizing (especially TDS and Broken, which was almost the entire discography of main releases when I started). As I got older, and my issues started appearing, I definitely took solace in The Fragile especially as that has a slightly less aggressive, and more reflective/melancholy tone than most of the work that preceded it.

I'm sure there are more people suffering from mental health issues in communities surrounding bands with more negative/introspective/aggressive(/goth, haha) lyrics and music, but I'm not sure why the thread was started specifically other than to just lend support.

[Pbgut]

Jesus, I've been having more and more bat shit crazy episodes of OCD.
It's always been there but pretty mild: usually things having to do with numbers where everything is better if it relates to 11 or 1111 somehow and 13 being bad.

But NOW, I've been having situations where I have to hear and understand every single word on a tv show or something terrible will happen. This results in me rewinding shit over and over.

Or how about this: I had to find this vitamin d supplement before we left to get NIN tickets, or something awful would happen. I spent hours looking for it (I didn't actually NEED it by the way.)
I finally decided that if I drew a tarot card that could be interpreted in a positive way and brought a different vitamin d supplement, then we would be ok. Also, that same day, I started burning an audio book that I didn't realize was going to take up 25 CDs.
But I had to finish it or, again, something terrible would happen.

Why in the fuck ist this just now becoming a problem? I just turned 38!!

I'd look into exposure response therapy or maybe CBT if it's becoming an issue. I sort of did my own ERT in a way: I gained the willpower to not give into the OCDish urges over time, nothing bad would actually happen, I was able to learn from this, and they went away — but not everyone can do that, and I couldn't either for a long time. These issues can appear and morph at any age though. Hope you're doing okay.

[kel]

Hello, this is a very interesting thread – can I ask if you started this because you feel/have experienced that lots of NIN fans have experience of mental health issues? In the UK it's broadly speaking 1/4 people, so that isn't saying much – but from a research point of view, I'd be really interested to know if people find NIN music cathartic/helpful in managing their condition or just helping them to feel better in general?

this thread has nothing to do with nine inch nails. at all. please don't try and source material for your *book* from here.

[eversonpoe]

i feel like my mental health is at a low point. i haven't been to therapy in three weeks (for various reasons), and during that time, i got a new job (which i started basically immediately) and left working with my dad after 13 years. i have so much going on just with that, especially because this is my first time ever working full-time hours. i've been sick since last sunday, and today was the second day i called out. i'm terrified i'm going to lose my job, but i knew i wouldn't be able to function if i went in today. i spent most of the day on the couch, watching buffy and crying.

i just want to go to sleep and not wake up. i'm not suicidal, i just don't want to have to deal with anything. i feel like i'm going to explode trying to deal with everything. i don't know what to do.

[Pbgut]

After successfully withdrawing from being on an anti anxiety med for years I had an unusually good stretch for like seven months. But today has been a weird day, like the kind of emotional rumbling I'd get from the start of an extended anxiety/depressive episode. Or it could be nothing.

Adding to this, my only two good friends are away for awhile (I don't know how long exactly), I haven't been able to exercise due to a sinus infection, and my cognitive recovery from the anti anxiety med side effects has been insanely slow. I'm just starting to get my memory back seven months out. And I don't think the spate of recent suicides from Stewart Lupton onwards has helped my anxiety either.

[eversonpoe]

After successfully withdrawing from being on an anti anxiety med for years I had an unusually good stretch for like seven months. But today has been a weird day, like the kind of emotional rumbling I'd get from the start of an extended anxiety/depressive episode. Or it could be nothing.

Adding to this, my only two good friends are away for awhile (I don't know how long exactly), I haven't been able to exercise due to a sinus infection, and my cognitive recovery from the anti anxiety med side effects has been insanely slow. I'm just starting to get my memory back seven months out. And I don't think the spate of recent suicides from Stewart Lupton onwards has helped my anxiety either.

:: hug ::

[Pbgut]

:: hug ::

hug right back at you, eversonpoe

[kel]

eversonpoe that kind of adjustment is massive and is probably why you're feeling (and staying) sick. so sorry :(

hang in there. and take good care of yourself.

[somewhat_]

i feel like my mental health is at a low point. i haven't been to therapy in three weeks (for various reasons), and during that time, i got a new job (which i started basically immediately) and left working with my dad after 13 years. i have so much going on just with that, especially because this is my first time ever working full-time hours. i've been sick since last sunday, and today was the second day i called out. i'm terrified i'm going to lose my job, but i knew i wouldn't be able to function if i went in today. i spent most of the day on the couch, watching buffy and crying.

i just want to go to sleep and not wake up. i'm not suicidal, i just don't want to have to deal with anything. i feel like i'm going to explode trying to deal with everything. i don't know what to do.

I know starting a new job sucks, but it usually gets better once you get the hang of things.

Reach out to that therapist ASAP! I’m sure you have good reason to miss out for the last few weeks, but try your best to make it a priority.

[allegate]

i feel like my mental health is at a low point. i haven't been to therapy in three weeks (for various reasons), and during that time, i got a new job (which i started basically immediately) and left working with my dad after 13 years. i have so much going on just with that, especially because this is my first time ever working full-time hours. i've been sick since last sunday, and today was the second day i called out. i'm terrified i'm going to lose my job, but i knew i wouldn't be able to function if i went in today. i spent most of the day on the couch, watching buffy and crying.

i just want to go to sleep and not wake up. i'm not suicidal, i just don't want to have to deal with anything. i feel like i'm going to explode trying to deal with everything. i don't know what to do.
I'm in a similar place. I changed jobs from one I've been at for ten years to another one closer to home. Like, only three miles away from home closer. Anyway, I thought this would be a good thing but I've found that since I started my mental health has taken a huge hit. I have to imagine it's because of the severing* of ties with everyone at my old job combined with the difficulty figuring out a job that is in a completely different career field. And on top of that I found out that if I had stayed at my old position it would have been converted to a higher paying one a month later. No one wanted to tell me that before I left, and I worked for the Director of the station, someone who would have known about that coming.

Oh and my new job said no travel on the job description. Guess what? I'm in Seattle and I've been here for a week with another week to go. I am expected to start going to week-long training classes in Maryland for topics that shouldn't be the focus of my position and also start going to week-long site visits.

So there's a lot going on here that is driving me to panic attacks. I'm going to try meditation and usajobs to help me with this one. :)

*sever may sound severe but I've tried talking to them since we're all on the same network still over Lync/Skype but I can't get hardly anyone to chat on it, and even then it's for a couple minutes at best.

[Swykk]

Today I’m in a lot of physical neuropathy pain and am burnt out from work and every day political stress with a huge side of isolation. Also, it’s been almost three months and I still miss my dog. This just sucks.

Hope you’re all doing better than this.

[eversonpoe]

I know starting a new job sucks, but it usually gets better once you get the hang of things.

Reach out to that therapist ASAP! I’m sure you have good reason to miss out for the last few weeks, but try your best to make it a priority.

the work itself is fine, it's the same sort of stuff i've been doing with my dad basically my whole life (he started teaching me stuff when i was a little kid). it's really just adjusting to the different environment.

the first week i didn't have therapy because my therapist was out of town. the second week was because it was my first day of my new job, my appointment was originally at 3pm, and i knew i wouldn't be able to make it. last week, my appointment was at 5pm, so i figured if i was off at 4 or 4:30 i'd be fine...except that i ended up working in glencoe (a north suburb of chicago) and my appointments are in the city, so by the time i was done at 4:10, it would have taken me over an hour and twenty minutes to get down there, thus cutting my appointment in half.

i discussed this with work (especially because i have to pay for missed appointments with less than 24 hours notice) and they said it shouldn't be a problem in the future to make sure i can leave on time to make it to my appointments. hopefully that stays true.

[BRoswell]

Just returned home from a nice three day vacation at a mental health facility after a suicide attempt on Sunday. Honestly, I'm feeling better now after my attempt. It was all I could think about for the longest time, but something about going through with it made the reality of what I was doing finally sink in. It was almost like an exorcism. I expelled this idea from myself just by doing it. Now that it's gone, I really just need to start working on getting myself to a better place.

[eversonpoe]

Just returned home from a nice three day vacation at a mental health facility after a suicide attempt on Sunday. Honestly, I'm feeling better now after my attempt. It was all I could think about for the longest time, but something about going through with it made the reality of what I was doing finally sink in. It was almost like an exorcism. I expelled this idea from myself just by doing it. Now that it's gone, I really just need to start working on getting myself to a better place.

oh, honey. i'm so sorry. if you need to talk, i'm here. i'm glad you're still here.

<3 <3 <3

[Swykk]

Just returned home from a nice three day vacation at a mental health facility after a suicide attempt on Sunday. Honestly, I'm feeling better now after my attempt. It was all I could think about for the longest time, but something about going through with it made the reality of what I was doing finally sink in. It was almost like an exorcism. I expelled this idea from myself just by doing it. Now that it's gone, I really just need to start working on getting myself to a better place.

Sounds like you have a good plan moving forward but I’m sorry it came to this and am glad you are still with us.

[elevenism]

I'm not doing so good. I just want to be asleep.
Every time I wake up, it's like sheer fucking horror and I'm generally miserable.

And it's about to get a whole hell of a lot worse: because of this opiate "crisis" business , I'm losing POWERFUL narcotic medication that I've been addicted/habituated to for three years, ever since I broke my damn back.

Regarding the opiate thing, I can only hope that something good comes of it. This goes down in about 3 weeks and I'm utterly fucking terrified.
BRoswell , thank god you're still here, and seriously, hit me up any time, 24-7. I don't work and I keep bizarre, random hours.

[Steven]

just keep losing and losing almost getting comfortable with being at the bottom no expectations for anything anymore

[elevenism]

just keep losing and losing almost getting comfortable with being at the bottom no expectations for anything anymore isn't that really what you wanted now?
(Sorry I couldn't help it. And I feel the same brotha. Hang on.)

[Steven]

isn't that really what you wanted now?
(Sorry I couldn't help it. And I feel the same brotha. Hang on.)


haha just had a bad day but everything will be fine by tomorrow

[elevenism]

haha just had a bad day but everything will be fine by tomorrow
That's awesome.
As for me, I will still be a rudderless bipolar junkie tomorrow. Good god, how I wish everything would be "fine tomorrow."

[allegate]

https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1412791447l/18075234.jpg

I read this while on vacation last week and I have to say it was both enlightening and depressing. I also have to say I did not know what it was about because I bought it a few months ago and it was just sitting on my kindle. Anyway. Wow, what a book. It's hard to review it because it's a product of time for me as the last two months or so have had me hitting the deepest parts of my depression ever so reading this was like reading a book someone wrote to me. (I'm not schizophrenic though so that part missed me by so far)

The part that stood out for me the most is where Caden realizes that while his mental illness hit him, it also hit his family. It's certainly possible to lose yourself in your illness to the point where you forget about what it's doing to the people around you. It's hard to force yourself to see outside of what is happening to you to see what is happening to them.

Did the book make it easier for me to deal with my depression? No. I don't think I can do that alone - especially for those times when I'm daydreaming about running into a bridge support doing 80 - but it did give me a chance to think about how it affects those around me.

Also don't read this while you're supposed to be having fun.

“The fear of not living is a deep, abiding dread of watching your own potential decompose into irredeemable disappointment when 'should be' gets crushed by what is. Sometimes I think it would be easier to die than to face that, because 'what could have been' is much more highly regarded than 'what should have been.' Dead kids are put on pedestals, but mentally ill kids get hidden under the rug.”

“I used to be afraid of dying. Now I’m afraid of not living. There’s a difference. We go through life planning for a future, but sometimes that future never comes.”

[[parasite]]

I found this and thought it quite fitting

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180711/de2c664ac6c8bcddb3bd0ebeab27dae6.jpg

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180711/6ffd2513e296410df5a76dbbd26c9e54.jpg


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[playwithfire]

I've got all this shit I need to take care of in the coming week and I'm just mentally overwhelmed and tired before I even start. And, it's petty or stupid but I'm worried I maybe messed things up with someone I have a crush on (not that I even know what to do with that but gosh I don't want to fuck it up preemptively), so that's also silly. And I'm worried about this one social encounter that may come up if I go to a thing on Tuesday, and my sleep schedule is all fucked and I have to do so much adulting. I even have a dentist appointment this week! Bleh.

[elevenism]

I'm having a pretty grim fucking time.

i was having these awful symptoms with like terrifying deja vu and phantom smells and, a couple of times, grand mal seizures. Everything points to temporal lobe epilepsy.
But i was afraid that one of my psych meds was causing it so i stopped first one and then another, trying to find the cause.

Now i'm all fucked up emotionally AND still having the weird symptoms.

I go to see my psych lady on tuesday, but she told me i HAD to see a neurologist. in the time i was procrastinating going to the neurologist, i lost my fucking health insurance and there's no WAY i can afford EEGs and shit.
So i don't know what i'm gonna tell her.

But the way i feel right now: ugh. i don't wanna kill myself but i don't want to be alive either.

[Pillfred]

I'm having a pretty grim fucking time.
.......

I'm sorry. I'd say go in anyhow, but I get it ...

[BRoswell]

It's been a little over a month since my attempt, and things have been going fairly well. Seeing a therapist and getting help with employment, plus being more open and honest with people, especially when depression begins to rear its ugly head again. Also back on medication, which has definitely been helping as well.

[karmachiale]

How long it took you to order meeting with the specialist? Was that question of years, of some breakdown,...? I mean ones with no-so-good-noticable mental illnesses.

[elevenism]

I'm sorry. I'd say go in anyhow, but I get it ...
I appreciate the response and, I agree and plan to get a neurological appt.
Day before yesterday was SO fucking AWFUL with the terrifying phantom smells and hallucinations of like flashing lights: I was just certain I was gonna have another grand mal. The bullshit went on for 2 HOURS this time instead of a few seconds. I can't live this way!!!
MAYBE the neurologist will just BELIEVE me about the symptoms and not require a battery of expensive tests and will just prescribe the motherfucking antidote (but this seems unlikely.)

The whole thing causes a bunch of anxiety to go along with the anxiety I already have, and it's also depressing as fuck.I

And I'm at a point where I'm wondering "why, God, why? I'm bipolar with psychotic features, AND I have God awful panic disorder, and I've recently experienced the emergence of OCD, and I'm like a born addict AND alcoholic...and now I have to have some strange form of epilepsy too? FUCK!!!"

I'm well aware that it could all be much, much worse in a multitude of ways; I'm just fucking stressed about all of this, and honestly, I am...omg I guess I'm AFRAID. I am! I'm scared and I just realized it. I teared up a little when I realized it just now.

Thank you guys who read this for taking the time and listening to me.
I am so grateful for this part of the community and the way we at least TRY to help one another, even if it's just talk and listening, even if is just letting a member know they aren't alone. :)

[[parasite]]

yeah I totally agree with you, it's so awesome to have this support from people we have a mutual connection to, even if we don't personally know each other, and I think that makes it easier to open up just that little bit more than we would do, to family & friends offline




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[reasons]

Anyone struggling with their mental health issues can hopefully find some relief in knowing they don't have it as bad as me. They aren't stuck living every single day with a sexual obsession that's so heinous, globally it is the most unacceptable and hated thing a human can possibly think, maybe other than murder.

The hard part for me is, unlike most of you whom can talk to about it with family, friends, doctors... I live totally in isolation unable to even hint that I have any sort of mental health issue and what it involves.

I'm an active member on this form but can't even use my regular profile, let alone outright say what it is.

I'm a great person, if you knew me you would probably like me, I work hard and have a great family life, I'll go out of my way to help a stranger, ill donate my own money... etc.

But while I'm doing that I'm struggling with trying not to think about my sexual obsession. It makes being homosexual look like a walk in the park on a nice sunny day with a cool breeze. I know there are 100000's of others like me, and I think its totally fucked up and disgusting. But I also wonder if it's normal and due to the stigma surrounding it NO ONE is ready to admit it; except when caught.

But no matter what I cannot control it or change my way of thinking. I'm agnostic and I've begged god to help me with this one. No dice. I hate myself for thinking this way. I wish every day that it would stop. I will spend everyday of my life until I die hiding this and fighting it off every day of my life.

Like I said Im a good person, I don't act on my obsession. It's not easy.

[eversonpoe]

...It makes being homosexual look like a walk in the park on a nice sunny day with a cool breeze...

uh, being gay isn't a sexual deviancy or obsession. that's a pretty fucked up line of thought.

[Swykk]

Agreed eversonpoe and I’d add that you don’t need to pull the Scooby Doo ending with the “Let’s see who this really is” deal. That’s for trolls.

[[parasite]]

finally I'm having the long awaited full depression dive, after being good for so long, the bad has come back, it's kinda nice to see him but he makes my thinking bad, and I go to my safe place (I dissociate , when super stressed) I don't get stressed when there it's all familiar as I've been going there ever since I can remember sometimes I can't remember sometimes I can feel I've been there, think I need to see my CPN Monday, see how the weekend takes me, now some lorazapam to help me sleep, really should take zopiclone, but I don't feel refreshed upon waking, and it gives me a shitty metallic taste for hours after I wake

keep safe all!! x


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[reasons]

uh, being gay isn't a sexual deviancy or obsession. that's a pretty fucked up line of thought.

I've come across many people who do obsess over being gay, it scares them because they have always thought they were straight. They have uncontrollable and intrusive images and thoughts which race through their heads at the most inappropriate times, and based on what they write... it sounds like a terrible experience they are enduring.

And I apologize, I do see what I wrote and how it comes off. It's not what I meant. But for anyone struggling with unwanted and intrusive thoughts, it's very difficult and just by opening up and talking about it can make people feel some relief and even help control their intrusive thoughts.


I only pointed out that I'm an active member because the alias REASONS has only 1 post, which looks like a troll.

[Swykk]

I don’t think you’re fully understanding. Let me be clearer:

If you are gay, be gay. Don’t think of yourself or your thoughts as intrusive.

You don’t need an alias. With the exception of a handful of backward asswipes, ETS is quite accepting.

[reasons]

Thank you, I have no problem admitting I'm bi. When I was 13 I had a relationship with a 19 year old. It was fucking great. When I was 8 my same aged and same gender neighbor and I loved playing with each other.

But today I am in my 30's and I remember everything, now I have intrusive images and thoughts which bombard me, probably 30-60 times every single day. It's the age that's my problem. I can't be near a child and not think about it.

Obviously I control myself and I'm not a monster that would ever act upon it. But I deal with absolutely disgusting and unwanted intrusive thoughts and images everyday.

This probably isn't even the right place/fourm for me to be.

Have you ever looked at the girl on the chair in the Closer video? Sucking her finger, legs up, twirling her toes? It gets my heart racing like a playboy magazine does for you.

Sick. And the bigger problem is I think I would enjoy it, where as I'm supposed to feel disgusted and suicidal.


This is the most powerful OCD I can think of. I'd rather be attracted to animals. My issue is so heinous and evil I feel like I dont even qualify for addiction/OCD/mental health.

[Leviathant]

Hey reasons, there's no such thing as 'evil', but I do encourage you to talk to a therapist, if you're not already. And if that hasn't worked out - keep trying. Finding the right therapist can be difficult. You're probably right that this is not really the best forum for talking through that sort of thing. I'm not sure the folks here are really equipped for that kind of conversation. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe someone will reach out and you can talk about what you're dealing with. It sounds like you've come this far while keeping your impulses in check - maybe take solace in the fact that behavior can change as you age. I'm in my late 30s and things I was into when I was younger aren't really a thing any more - probably from exposure to new things, you know? It's good that you're taking this down off the shelf to address it, but also, there may be people and places better equipped for talking about it than you're going to find on a Nine Inch Nails fan forum.

[playwithfire]

Go see an OCD specialist and get diagnosed. None of us can tell you if it's just OCD or if it's something more, but if it's just OCD, it's incredibly treatable. And having intrusive thoughts, despite the fear I think most of us who experience them feel, is not an indicator that we want to do something. We have the intrusive thoughts BECAUSE they scare and horrify us. Please don't DM me about this, I'm not comfortable discussing it further. But like, I was able to get my intrusive thoughts managed just through CBT. I didn't even need medication. There is really effective medication as well. There are routes to truly get this handled.

[theruiner]

^^
Sooooo much this.

@reasons (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=6813):

I've had OCD since I was really little and while it has gotten much, much better over the past few years (thanks to a wonderful therapist) I still struggle with it, and the intrusive thoughts thing was something I dealt with a LOT. I mean a LOT a lot. Intrusive thoughts, fear that I would hurt someone (I never did and I never will), you name it, I feared it. It was terrifying. At one point I came pretty close to having myself voluntarily committed because I was so terrified I would hurt someone (I recognize now that that was strictly the OCD and there was zero chance of me actually doing that).

So if it's OCD then believe me, PLENTY of us have been there and there is help available. If it's not OCD, if this is your true predilection, know this: you are NOT a bad person. You have no control over how your brain is wired, and you are not a terrible person for having these thoughts or desires. Acting on it would be wrong, absolutely. But just having those thoughts? No. No, sorry, I know a lot of people act like just having the thoughts makes you a bad person but it doesn't. And, frankly, it's something that has pissed me off, because I've struggled with my own illnesses (OCD, depression, gender dysphoria*) and I didn't choose any of them. So I cannot even fathom blaming someone for thoughts that run through their heads, it's not their fault, they didn't choose it and god knows no one would. Mental illness is fucking hard. And we all need to have empathy for people who are struggling with it.

So that all being said, as Leviathant mentioned, the best thing you can do is get to a therapist. There are therapists out there that can help you. They're not going to be judgmental, they have dealt with everything you can imagine, they'll know how to help. But you need help. If nothing else than to work your way through this and relieve some of the stress this is causing you. You don't deserve to go through this, and you don't have to go through it alone. There are people that can help you.

And as hard as it is, as much stigma is attached to what you are dealing with, just know that there are people in this world who don't judge you for having those feelings. I promise.

*=just to clarify, being trans isn't a mental illness but the dysphoria that comes from it (i.e. the depression of having your mind and body not match) is technically considered one. Two different things, though.

[reasons]

Thanks everyone, I guess this was testing the waters and I was expecting to be banned and hunted down if you know what I mean. I appreciate the support and this has actually helped.

It's amazing how fixated we can get on something; whether it's a light switch, a person, feelings, or fears. When I pass by KFC I see the sign and smell the awesome chicken, it triggers my desire to have some comfort food, I get all sorts of thoughts... 1 minute later I'm not even thinking about KFC anymore.

When I'm at wal-mart and I see a cool gadget I get excited and get impulses to buy it, 1 minute later I don't care about it anymore and im not even thinking about it.

So why do unwanted thoughts get stuck in our active thoughts, like an indefinite loop where the impulse multiplies with each passing second, the more you think about it the stronger it gets as if it's literally feeding and growing off of your attention. Just move on, think positive and be happy.

Anyways I hope everyone stays strong. I've always felt like 'Demon Seed' was kind of about stuff like this (not my particular case, I mean mental health you cannot escape).

[[parasite]]

well good news!
I have to be assessed over the next few days, as my thinking has gone odder, so the psychiatric nurse worker has kindly pointed out lol
"it's slightly concerning" that it's come on so quickly


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[Dryalex12]

Okay, i need to get this off my chest. There are a lot of things about depression that people are aware of, so im using my battle to show some of you who may not fully understand what it may be like to go through something like this, and to help me out, im using a song that not a lot of people like

Heavy, Yes the Linkin Park song. Is it boring? Yes. Are the lyrics true? Oh god yes. This being one of only two that Chester wrote, he doesn't hold back on some of the topics of what goes on...not that anyone cared to look at it, they only just saw the title, heard the song and said "what the fuck is so heavy about this song"

So, im gonna go over each lyric and explain what they mean


"I don't like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
'Cause I can’t escape the gravity"


So here's the thing, because I have severe depression, I have random bouts of just randomly having thoughts of a bunch of shit i may of screwed up on, i said the wrong thing, i may have hurt someones feels, etc, and it just happens when it wants to, I get no warning at all, and it just piles and piles and piles on top of me. I often have to put on a song to help me think about something else because there is literally so much shit that is going on in my head that its fucking driving me nuts. And I cant control it, sometimes it's quick, and sometimes it lasts all day.

"I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?"

Which brings us to the title that everyone made fun of. You wanna know why its called Heavy? its not because the song is heavy, no, It means "Heavy Thoughts"

As mentioned before, everything is just piled on, stacked and stacked of so much negative emotions, and you might be thinking "hey, why don't you just think about something else"

Oh gee, you think its that simple, you think mental illness is just something you can just tell to go away and everything will be better? Gee, I never would of thought about that, except, if that was really the case, why the fuck am i still talking about it right now? Trust me, if there was just a way to make this all go away, i would jump on it in a heartbeat.

"You say that I'm paranoid
But I'm pretty sure the world is out to get me
It's not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy"

Just like I said before, it's not like I wanted this to happen, I have no control over this, it happens when it feels like it. Which is why it pisses me off when someone who is not clinically depressed tries to tell people who are how to "get over" pisses me off so much

"I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same"

The "you" in this song is not a person, its the thoughts in my head. Everything in the song that might relate to a person is only true when it's talking about themselves.

So that's not everything that goes on with depression, but it's one of the many things that I have to go through, what many other like Chester and Cornell went through...and its fucking horrible

[[parasite]]

OK, after ending up at the A&E at 3am this morning due to hear scratches coming from the chimney! that no one else can hear....
had an assessment and given 2 lorazapam, to help me calm down, and then another assessment, (OK, now when I get stressed I dissociate, and for me this is just when my vision of the world goes different colours) the Dr today says the auditory hallucinations are linked to my dissociation. which I suppose is good in a way but kinda bad as the scratches really stresses me more, and isn't keeping me safe?!
well now back on abilify/aripiprazole, not sure if this is long or short term? I don't suppose it really matters, but I never ever had thought how scary auditory hallucinations are! they are shit scary!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[elevenism]

Shit InsecureSpike . Hang in there.

And yeah, all kinds of hallucinations can be fucking horrifying.
I have terrifying OLFACTORY hallucinations related to seizures :/

[elevenism]

So a lifelong friend of mine lost his battle with cancer last night.

When he got diagnosed about a year ago, he started keeping a blog and working on a novel.

His strength in the face of this thing was insanely inspiring to me and there's a lot of powerful stuff in his blog.

I saved the book for when he was gone, so I can't comment on that yet, but the blog was stunning.here is a link to all of it.

He had hoped that his writing might help people, both people with cancer and just people in general. Check it out if you have a minute.

https://thewishingglass.com

[Sarah K]

reasons

Echoing what others have said... You are not a bad person. Especially if you are recognizing this within yourself and trying to address it without harming others. I definitely understand how difficult it is to address an issue of this magnitude. Even if you are formally diagnosed with pedophilia, people have turned that medical term into such a scare tactic that is used incorrectly more often than not. A diagnoses does NOT require an offense. But even people who *say* they are supportive of people with mental health issues struggle to accept it when they hear that someone is attracted to children. None of us can help who we are attracted to on a basic level, but there are steps to take to ensure that nobody is ever harmed and the thoughts just remain as thoughts.

A lot of intervention for this mirrors therapies for OCD. There are a few medications that might be able to assist, but most of it centers around CBT and other forms of talk therapy. I am a huge, HUGE supporter of more research for alternative therapies to be done in this area. But unfortunately, like the general public, people who fund research also have these same biases. Everyone deserves support, and I hope that you are someday able to find the assistance and peace that you need. I cannot even imagine the feelings that must come with this, and honestly can't imagine anything worse.

You are incredibly brave for speaking about this anywhere.

[[parasite]]

Shit InsecureSpike . Hang in there.

And yeah, all kinds of hallucinations can be fucking horrifying.
I have terrifying OLFACTORY hallucinations related to seizures :/

oh wow! that's gotta be horrible!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[playwithfire]

@reasons (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=6813) and probably a lot of other folks: this is probably worth a read https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/11/obsessive-thoughts-a-darker-side-of-ocd/281260/ content warning for description of sexual/violent intrusive thoughts. The kind of thing the article outlines is normal, standard OCD stuff. I know more people with OCD who have struggled with this at least to some degree than who haven't.

[allegate]

Thanks for that article, it helps put some things in perspective. After my son was born I actually went to a therapist because of intrusive thoughts because they were ramping up in both intrusiveness and frequency.

This part, basically:
Penzel explained his own litmus test for distinguishing between OCD and actual, dangerous impulses: "If you listen carefully, patients will agonize constantly over their obsessions, asking, 'Why am I having these thoughts; how do I know that I wouldn't do this; why would I be thinking it if I didn’t want to do it?'"
"Most violent and dangerous people don’t sit there having these inner dialogues," he added.
I knew I would never do these things but the people I shared the thoughts with only heard the action, not the 'I don't want to do this' part. Even the counselor thought that. I eventually found one that was more about treating me instead of the thoughts and that helped bring them down but it freaked my wife out a bit because I had to share some with her as part of it.

[playwithfire]

nevermind

[[parasite]]

OK quick update,
upped abilify to 15mg, and 2nd assessment, the Dr says I'm having periods of derealisation visual & derealisation auditory, but separately. and sometimes loss of time [emoji53]
now this is as odd as I ever have been, not knowing if I can trust any slightly different noise I hear, the visual part not that much of a big deal, as it's just color change I see, but the time slips are worrying I kinda lost an hour Saturday night at work,

on the upside I've been listening to quite a few albums that I wouldn't normally, just to keep me entertained lol and drown out any unwanted sounds


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[Dryalex12]

So....i really want to share something very dear to my heart.

I wrote this song last week...and its probably the most personal song i have ever written and probably ever will.

In 2015, i attempted suicide for the 5th time in my life and it was my 5th in the span of 3 years. I was a fucking mess. But this one was the worst because I had written out a suicide note for this one, so this one was dangerously close. I was going to slip my self to death. I had the knife up to my throat....i was ready to do it.

....and im still here, i never did do it. I just couldnt, and i finally realized that something was wrong with me, and i later found out that my body had gotten used to my antidepressives, so they stopped working. I stopped my old ones and got on new ones and ive been better since.

but the lyrics to this song from the starting lines until the part where i change my mind about wanting to die are actually from my note, I dont have it with me but i still remember every word...so i literally had to rewrite my suicide note....which was real fucking fun to do.

I havent sung the vocals yet, its still...to hard for me to think about, but i di record the music and i will post the rough draft lyrics below

https://adecadeinoblivion.bandcamp.com/track/a-cold-place-instrumental-demo

"Please forgive me for what i am about to do
I did this for youI gave my life up
I gave my life to stop the numb
I gave my life now
I just cant seem ever stop all the thoughts of hurting you
I failed at life to sing the song, of a life i once knew
I fell so hard for looking up
Head was stuck in the clouds
Stare at the sun for a good whil
enot a single ray of light
.That can be ever traced to me
In a decade of miles
So please
Let me bleed
The rest of what i once thought to be me
So when you find me
Once full of life now full of blight
......No
This is not how it will end
.I wont end like this
Kill pain with agony
just wont do anything for me
Ill take it head on
A risk i know is hell to take
but ill do it for you
I kept my life to show you mine
in a world so cold
I kept on going so i could find, someone else like you
and tell them i'll be there for you
So please
Show me where it hurts the most
Im not what most will ever get a chance to see
I dont know you
And i dont care
But i know i do
and that's why im here"

[elevenism]

I'm fading.

[allegate]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJIw9BHYwr0

Positive thoughts via song lyrics.

[dedevoce]

I'm fading.

<3

[Substance242]

BBC Horizon documentary, "Stopping Male Suicide":

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p06hqvrw

[allegate]

https://assets.amuniversal.com/9af23380878f01364f3a005056a9545d

[eversonpoe]

https://assets.amuniversal.com/9af23380878f01364f3a005056a9545d

pearls before swine has been my favorite comic strip for years, particularly when stephen pastis puts himself in there just to have rat insult him.

[ton]

I was diagnosed with ptsd last spring and still have difficulty managing it every day. The worst part is the panic attacks that cause stomach cramps and dizziness, it interferes with too much of my life. I often have to stop what I'm doing every 20-30 minutes to relax or use the bathroom. Sometimes I lay down for an hour until it goes away.

I looked up often how to get rid of panic attacks or control them. Also looked up what people did to manage ptsd. Some of it has helped but I lose in the fight for control most of the time.

If anyone has this problem or knows someone who does, I'm wondering what works for you guys

[eversonpoe]

I was diagnosed with ptsd last spring and still have difficulty managing it every day. The worst part is the panic attacks that cause stomach cramps and dizziness, it interferes with too much of my life. I often have to stop what I'm doing every 20-30 minutes to relax or use the bathroom. Sometimes I lay down for an hour until it goes away.

I looked up often how to get rid of panic attacks or control them. Also looked up what people did to manage ptsd. Some of it has helped but I lose in the fight for control most of the time.

If anyone has this problem or knows someone who does, I'm wondering what works for you guys

music, being around people who understand and can have patience, finding something to focus on that is stimulating (i.e. playing an engaging video game that isn't too stressful)...it's really situational, though. sometimes i just need to wait out the panic attack because nothing helps. i know that's not helpful other than that i'm saying solidarity, my friend.

[ton]

music, being around people who understand and can have patience, finding something to focus on that is stimulating (i.e. playing an engaging video game that isn't too stressful)...it's really situational, though. sometimes i just need to wait out the panic attack because nothing helps. i know that's not helpful other than that i'm saying solidarity, my friend.

I understand and I'm sorry you go through a similar thing. It's not easy at all. Yeah, I do tend to just wait it out.. sometimes when I engage in an activity to distract myself, it makes me panic even more (as you said). I never had this problem before until like 4-5 years ago. It seems my past life was like another world. Idk, I'm rambling now.

I am getting help from my psychiatrist and a special nurse. Sometimes the medicine helps but I may have to go under certain types of therapy to get better.

[Pillfred]

Shit is fucking hard sometimes.

[Halo Infinity]

I know I don't always say the right things, or make mistakes or even blunders when my emotions are wrecked or when I simply have no idea what I'm doing out of sheer ignorance, but this thread certainly reminds me that like words, emotions and thoughts also hold so much power, and to not take that for granted because you never know just how much of an impact you might also be to others, aside from yourself. (Oh, and sometimes I can't believe that things I tell myself, but I still can't seem to shake feeling like I don't matter or that everybody would actually be better off without me or just fine to say the least. Perhaps I still want to find some type of ultimate purpose out there, whatever that might be.)

I'm also still trying to survive as well, but also hope to live too, and have appreciated the advice and suggestions this thread had to offer so far. What I've also still taken from this topic altogether is that kindness not only goes a long way, but no act of kindness, no matter how small is ever wasted, especially in regards to empathy and compassion.

[reasons]

@reasons (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=6813) and probably a lot of other folks: this is probably worth a read https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/11/obsessive-thoughts-a-darker-side-of-ocd/281260/ content warning for description of sexual/violent intrusive thoughts. The kind of thing the article outlines is normal, standard OCD stuff. I know more people with OCD who have struggled with this at least to some degree than who haven't.

Thanks, this article is good in that it goes to show just how intimidating it can be when it comes to opening up and seeking help. In Canada they always spend an entire week focusing on mental health "Mental Illness Awareness Week", helping those who need help, setting up a phone line, and collecting donations... but I always feel left behind and not-helped once the party is over. I don't think "they" truly understand how difficult it is to take that first step. Texting #Help to 545-3333 isn't a solution, but it's a start. Also mental health is more than just suicide and being bi-polar.

The story above about the high school exposing the authors publication as a teen and then suspending her is very sad.

I think more needs to be done to help teens in high school talk with a counselor and feel 100% comfortable and private; no matter what. I came within inches of opening up when I was young, the counselor just had to re-re-reassure me the discussion was between us only no matter what. I was scared to death my mother and father would find out how "sick" I was.

I think if we can get help earlier on it may help with dealing with issues early on, and setting up a plan for a life time of proper support if needed.

In my high school the counselors office and doorway was IN THE CAFETERIA!!! No one dared being caught or seen going in there, way too embarrassing.

[Halo Infinity]

People-pleasing has still been a problem of mine because it's come to the point where I do it without even realizing it. I think that's also why I kept basing my happiness and value as a person on the things I can do for others, the things I can give to others and the amount of people that like me and agree with me. This is also connected to seeking a lot of external validation, especially in terms of accomplishments and accolades, yet even such claims to greatness can still very well be vanity.

This is just one of the many issues I felt like sharing here, even though I try as much as possible to keep it to myself these days, since I often feel like I'm either a burden or that nobody really cares anyway as well as being constantly reminded that I shouldn't overshare, since that also leads to nosiness and potential cans of worms being opened. This has also sometimes lead me to isolate myself, because sometimes I wonder what the actual point of my presence/existence around others is anyway, especially if I have absolutely nothing important or worthwhile to offer.

It's also why it was even easier to talk when other people give me a reason to talk as well. Otherwise, I just keep to myself or leave altogether.

-I also wanted to include this point, but I also didn't want to bump the thread just yet.-

This definitely isn't anything new, and I was always my own worst critic and enemy, but it still hits as hard as ever. What I'm referring to is my mind and heart at night. It tells me all sorts of horrible things, whether real or imagined. It even gets hard to tell the difference. It's one thing if I'm already asleep or if I'm also occupied at night, but this is why my thoughts and emotions eat me up when I just can't sleep and have nothing else to do. It's definitely a lethal/volatile combination of scary and depressing.

It also doesn't help that I sometimes have this awful tendency of incessantly wondering and worry if I'm often offensive, annoying and boring to other people.

[eversonpoe]

People-pleasing has still been a problem of mine because it's come to the point where I do it without even realizing it. I think that's also why I kept basing my happiness and value as a person on the things I can do for others, the things I can give to others and the amount of people that like me and agree with me. This is also connected to seeking a lot of external validation, especially in terms of accomplishments and accolades, yet even such claims to greatness can still very well be vanity.

This is just one of the many issues I felt like sharing here, even though I try as much as possible to keep it to myself these days, since I often feel like I'm either a burden or that nobody really cares anyway as well as being constantly reminded that I shouldn't overshare, since that also leads to nosiness and potential cans of worms being opened. This has also sometimes lead me to isolate myself, because sometimes I wonder what the actual point of my presence/existence around others is anyway, especially if I have absolutely nothing important or worthwhile to offer.

It's also why it was even easier to talk when other people give me a reason to talk as well. Otherwise, I just keep to myself or leave altogether.

sometimes when you write stuff i feel like you're my doppelganger

[Louie_Cypher]

trying to kick recurring patterns of depression when it kicks in,i tend to isolate behaviors of self destruction, like drinking, and the like, general not caring about anything. might be time for a news fast. think I'll roll a few joints see if that helps, find it less destructive than alcohol. hate when you see things clearly. know what's going on and helpless to effect it. well Psyche session tomorrow. so there's that. think I'll get stoned and journal.
-louie

[ton]

I have always felt like no one likes me or even really dislikes me. Is there something repulsive about me? I'm not sure. I get driven to suicidal thoughts a lot because of this and the combination of my mental illnesses. Often treatment and medication doesn't work.

I get so obsessed sometimes with wondering why people don't like me. I don't believe I'm a bad person or have hurt anyone ever.

[[parasite]]

I have that same dislike thing


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[Louie_Cypher]

look i try to take the approach of what you see is what you get, either you like me or you don't, although lately i am pushing or trying to move away from all forms of binary thought. as we move towards the reality of quantum computing. binary views will no longer exist. although that day is a long way off. without sounding to narcissistic. i suppose you don't want my friendship,your loss
-louie

[ton]

look i try to take the approach of what you see is what you get, either you like me or you don't, although lately i am pushing or trying to move away from all forms of binary thought. as we move towards the reality of quantum computing. binary views will no longer exist. although that day is a long way off. without sounding to narcissistic. i suppose you don't want my friendship,your loss
-louie

I kinda get what you're saying but it's confusing me a little. I do agree with just not worrying about it and seeing it as "you like me or you don't". It's true we can't change people's perceptions.

[Louie_Cypher]

look i totally get it I can and am a very confusing and at times contradictory person and at this point to old to change my ways. I've never been one to have a ton of friends. i do have a lot of associates. i don't find it rare to run into people with even a slight alignment with my interests or views. look it's rare in life to run into those people if you do cherish them. i lost one of my longest and closest friends a few years back. i don't think there's a day that goes by i don't miss that MF. someone who's always got your back, laughs at your jokes. some people are really irreplaceable.
-louie

[allegate]

I have always felt like no one likes me or even really dislikes me. Is there something repulsive about me? I'm not sure. I get driven to suicidal thoughts a lot because of this and the combination of my mental illnesses. Often treatment and medication doesn't work.

I get so obsessed sometimes with wondering why people don't like me. I don't believe I'm a bad person or have hurt anyone ever.

I feel that. For the longest time I felt like I had a force field around me (not a physical thing, that would be crazy! :) ) but something that would keep people from wanting to be near me. In class I would have a circle around me and people would go out of their way to find a place to sit instead of next to me. Same on the bus. Same pretty much anywhere. It bothered me for awhile and if I'm completely honest it still bothers me but it doesn't happen as much now...though I'd be lying if I said it was due to anything I did: I just don't have those same situations anymore.

[implanted_microchip]

I've been in a serious manic depressive spiral since February this year. Very little has made it better and almost every good thing that's happened to me feels like it disappears instantly while the bad returns immediately. It feels like drowning and getting half a lungful of air only to crash back down and have them fill up with more water, coughing the air back out. I keep trying and doing different things in my life and none of them make much a difference. I get hit with a ton of anxiety and stress when I try to sleep, I feel paranoid a lot of the time, I get worried that people I trust are about to turn on me at any second, I feel afraid of people who don't know I'm trans that I haven't come out to finding out and ruining my life. I'd lose my job and my current arrangement that lets me go to school if me being trans got out to some people I know but I constantly feel like I'm pretending to be someone I don't recognize all of the time to deal with it and that makes me feel like a liar. A lot of people who don't understand being trans think people who live as the gender they identify as are being dishonest but I feel more dishonest not living how I feel inside than the brief times that I do. I feel extremely ungrateful and unlikable all of the time, I can't understand why anyone wants to know me.

Sometimes that sense of self-loathing from my bipolar disorder and fraudulence from my gender issues result in me resenting people who do like me or show support for me because I think they're wrong and they're challenging those feelings and the reaction of those feelings is to defend themselves. The last time someone showed serious face to face care and admiration and acceptance of me I cried constantly and didn't know how to process it. It's like no matter how close I get to anyone I'm never there inside. Sometimes I'm walking or driving around and it feels like at any second I could start to drift away and lose track of my body entirely. A lot of the times at night I'll be half-asleep but unable to get past it and I'll start having night terrors and will feel like I'm floating out of my body and above the room and then I'll start to trail away. My mania has me feeling super creative and productive but my anxiety has me feeling too exhausted to do anything else, I can barely stand to text someone back sometimes. A lot of the times I wish I could put blackout curtains up and lock the doors and curl up and disappear from myself.

I don't really know why I'm posting this other than to vent because sometimes saying something when you know other people will see it feels more cathartic than relegating it to more of the same aimless forgotten journal entries that you will never read again. My biggest worry is that I finish school and move somewhere better and get to work on transitioning and none of this goes away. Last year whenever I'd travel I'd feel so free and like all the weight of my feelings disappeared and this year no matter where I've gone they've all been there, to the extent that I've had panic attacks and thought about trying to book flights to leave early because things were too much to take. Whenever I am experiencing good things or good feelings I get this feeling like I don't deserve any of it and everything anybody says gets bent and twisted in my head to somehow reinforce that, even supportive comments get morphed into something condescending or mocking. It's like I want to be alone all the time but can't stand to be alone with myself. Being myself hasn't been this exhausting in almost ten years.

[ton]

look i totally get it I can and am a very confusing and at times contradictory person and at this point to old to change my ways. I've never been one to have a ton of friends. i do have a lot of associates. i don't find it rare to run into people with even a slight alignment with my interests or views. look it's rare in life to run into those people if you do cherish them. i lost one of my longest and closest friends a few years back. i don't think there's a day that goes by i don't miss that MF. someone who's always got your back, laughs at your jokes. some people are really irreplaceable.
-louie

I'm sorry for your loss. I also lost one of my friends last year and I'm not over it. I wish the best for you and for you to remember them with happy memories when you miss them. That's what I try to do.

Nah you aren't contradictory or confusing all the time probably. I think I get your earlier post now, I just had to think about it a little. : )



I feel that. For the longest time I felt like I had a force field around me (not a physical thing, that would be crazy! :) ) but something that would keep people from wanting to be near me. In class I would have a circle around me and people would go out of their way to find a place to sit instead of next to me. Same on the bus. Same pretty much anywhere. It bothered me for awhile and if I'm completely honest it still bothers me but it doesn't happen as much now...though I'd be lying if I said it was due to anything I did: I just don't have those same situations anymore.

You're right, it's really nothing that we did. And if people choose to dislike you or stay away, then it's their loss. You seem like a really good person.

Thank you guys for responding to me. Sorry I was late, I've been busy going back to school and trying to find a job.

[bryan_NIN65]

I never really vent much, but my factory shut down in July after being in business for 61 years, I live in small town USA (500 people) and there are no other jobs around. I worked there for 13 years since I was 19. I am just feeling super depressed trying to find work. I can't afford to relocate and I really don't want too. The only good thing I have going here is that my home is paid for but it's family land so it's not really mine. My unemployment is getting ready to run out and I am trying to find work but it seems being 5'6" 120 pounds is not what the nearest warehouses want and they are all 50 miles away, hell every thing is at least 50 miles away. I have already put in 500 miles looking for work going to interviews and none have turned out good so far. I fear I might have move back in with my parents at 32 years old. End rant.

[Halo Infinity]

I think I finally figured out at least 4 struggles/challenges that caused major problems for me mentally and emotionally. However, there could've been other times that I've realized this, but somehow just kept forgetting.

1. Forgiveness - If not just to others, at least to myself.
2. Trust - Also if not just to others, at least to myself.
3. Past - The overall regret over it. Leaving me to feel bad about myself.
4. Future - The overall fear over it. Leaving me feeling vulnerable and frightened over what might happen to me.

All 4 seem to be much more connected than I realized.

With that now out of the way, I also hope to finally find some solutions or at the very least, just better ways to handle such burdens. I also learned more and more that most people wouldn't want to be around somebody with those issues either, so I usually try not to bring them up. (This thread being one of the few exceptions.)

It's also no wonder why a lot of people seem to say and also even agree that sometimes being more present-minded can make people more relaxed, cogent, calm and even happy. It's just that I always still take the past and the future into consideration since they're always a part of life, but I also very-well understand that the present is the only thing you can handle and actually do something about.

[eversonpoe]

https://66.media.tumblr.com/ee96b6cf683017cc8a6019e3bed612a1/tumblr_php2yirz9X1qzcvl5o1_500.jpg

i think it’s important to talk openly about mental health. i have had depression and anxiety for over 20 years. it turns out i probably have bipolar 2 (aka cyclical depression) so this morning i took my first dose of a mood stabilizer (prescribed by my new psychiatrist; I haven’t seen one since I was 17 and he told me i had slit my wrist "the wrong way" and then showed me how i should have done it...jesus fucking christ). i dearly hope it helps because i have had so many bad things happen in quick succession in the last few months that i’m having an even harder time coping than usual.

[Louie_Cypher]

https://66.media.tumblr.com/ee96b6cf683017cc8a6019e3bed612a1/tumblr_php2yirz9X1qzcvl5o1_500.jpg

i think it’s important to talk openly about mental health. i have had depression and anxiety for over 20 years. it turns out i probably have bipolar 2 (aka cyclical depression) so this morning i took my first dose of a mood stabilizer (prescribed by my new psychiatrist; I haven’t seen one since I was 17 and he told me i had slit my wrist "the wrong way" and then showed me how i should have done it...jesus fucking christ). i dearly hope it helps because i have had so many bad things happen in quick succession in the last few months that+ having an even harder time coping than usual.hang tough i was watching i think it was Joe rogan this Dr was saying that 80% of depression can be handled with diet. he kind of went through the evils of pharmaceutical industry and they do tend to just through pills at things I've been i Prozac for two years and used to hit the bottle when I got down but quit drinking and recently quit smoking It'll be 2 month's come December. my pot shop has these beautiful gummies that two is perfect. i also joined an anytime. so now no matter the time if i feel the darkness closing I either hit the treadmill, row machine or dreaded stair master. i'll be a year sober in Jan and i kind like the lean healthy Louie. after a lot of searching i finally found a shrink that works. she a woman and great just the other day during a session i remarked about how finding a good shrink, physiologist she doesn't like the work shrink as she said, i didn't go through eight years of school to be compared to something a wash machine does. anyways. a good physiologist is a lot like finding a good sensie you have to go through a lot of bullshit till you find something that works. everson take care i wish you peace.
-louie

[Andallthatcouldhavebeen]

It's also no wonder why a lot of people seem to say and also even agree that sometimes being more present-minded can make people more relaxed, cogent, calm and even happy. It's just that I always still take the past and the future into consideration since they're always a part of life, but I also very-well understand that the present is the only thing you can handle and actually do something about.

I've been trying so hard to work on this lately. Present mindedness is a struggle with an inner ego that always wants to think of mistakes and dare I say, All that could have been.

[Baphomette]

Anxiety TRIGGERED
Paranoia TRIGGERED
Depression TRIGGERED
Agoraphobia TRIGGERED
Body Dysmorphia TRIGGERED
Every single known insecurity TRIGGERED


There are not enough meds on the planet to get me through the rest of this week/weekend.

[Louie_Cypher]

Anxiety TRIGGERED
Paranoia TRIGGERED
Depression TRIGGERED
Agoraphobia TRIGGERED
Body Dysmorphia TRIGGERED
Every single known insecurity TRIGGERED


There are not enough meds on the planet to get me through the rest of this week/weekend.feel ya try hitting the gym, pass the gummies try one of the mobile meditation apps like sublime. and a hug{{hug}}
-Louie

[Space Suicide]

My father suffers from paranoid schizophrenia. It has been a constant issue in my life ever since 2004 or so. It has gotten worse and worse and worse. Its made him a shell of a person with no personality or fragments of reality. He's lucid maybe a few hours of the day before alcoholism and psychotic breaks take over. He lives in a selfish, delusional world where neighbors and employers are out to "destroy him" and take his life. Talks of a next door neighbor who is a middle aged father of 3 slinking around outside at the dark hours of the night to spy on him and record him are a thing of grandeur and of extremely hilarious proportions I can't help but scoff at due to how ludicrous it truly is. My sympathy, empathy and patience has drawn thin due to it and it's came to a point where I no longer love or feel compassion for his failings and life direction. I am not that type of person but it has reached a point where the illness has gotten the better of him and he's no longer a functional human being or a person worth being around. I have reached a pinnacle where if he never spoke to me again I would be fine with it. This is a selfish, horrendous and absolutely fantasy driven illness I wish didn't exist in mankind or the human psyche. I type this as an episode has began and I am at the brunt of believing fictional plots and dangerous actions he accuses strangers and nearby people of without proof. He lacks the proof and lacks the will to take back his life. He is a perpetual victim and truly makes no attempts to change his life so I'm done. I'm at the end of my rope. Patience is gone and so am I. You can only blame and hold a mental problem as the root of issues so far, there comes a point where behavior and decisions are of your own volition and choice. You chose your path and beliefs and you need to reap what you sow. You lost your wife and son. Its a sad life and personal loss but it is what it is.

I want no sympathy or advice on the matter. I just wanted to vent on a shitty, small corner of the internet unfiltered. A place where other friends and faces won't be as harsh to judge on this crippling and embarrassing mental disease that has afflicted my family.

"Life is 10% of what happens to you, 90% is how you react to it."

[Andallthatcouldhavebeen]

I've been over budget for the last couple of months so my anxiety is spiking really bad. I don't know why I let it get to me, we purposely have a savings account with money for when life deals us a shitty hand. Some of it has been reckless spending, and I think I"m getting that "Did I REALLY NEED that???" vibe looking at things we've recently purchased. I know there's no point in doing stuff like that and I realize I just have to try and look at my budget really closely over the next couple of months.
On another note, my mile time on the treadmill has gone from 10 minutes to 7:30 because I realize that although I have been bad at running and hate it, it helps with the anxiety.

[mexicoler]

moved to london to try and chase a music dream. got a place at uni. got a job. got a place to stay with a family friend.

student finance went wrong. have to put uni on hold for 3 years. job pays the bare minimum (since it's not an amazing job either). it's money coming in, but it's also an expensive city. family friend has own family, is going through own tough times. loads of fighting in the house. loads of shouting. i stay with their kid, entertain her, distract her (and me) from it, go to a park, help them out in the house. but it's awkward being a stranger present in someone else's family issues.

i think about leaving and getting a second job like everyone else, but that would only drive me away from music. i've only been here for a few months. i try to go out - camden, a few concerts, those sort of classic "goth" places to go. but i don't know anybody. i don't know shit. i'm young as fuck, impatient, growing uneasily lonely in a beautiful but massive town. entry-level jobs in the music industry are a non-existant thing. i don't know how to get to know people. i'm lost as fuck and this winter shit of getting dark at 4pm is annoying.

i'm fairly sure there's some type of depression in me (especially taking into account my family record), but i've never felt the need to be medicated and was always more or less stable and satisfied with therapy. but now i don't have that and i'm just growing insanely isolated. i have no idea what to do with my life.

i just needed to vent, i'm sorry if this wasn't the appropriate thread. also to let anyone know that if you live in this city i'm available for coffee & concert meetups. got my eye in massive attack and oneothrix point never.

[eversonpoe]

so it turns out i definitely have bipolar 2. i've been on Lamictal for almost two months and it has been like a miracle for me. my irritability has gone down drastically, i've actually been able to relax a few times (i can never relax so that's a huge deal), i don't get angry about pointless shit (like spilling water or someone driving like a jerk, both of which used to cause me to scream), and when i have a low day, i'm better equipped to handle it and find something to focus on to get myself out of it.

meds aren't for everyone, but i'm so glad that i've found something that helps me feel more like a person and less like a walking ball of anxiety/depression. part of me wishes i had done something/found this sooner, because looking back on my life, i can see so many things that were clearly caused by this condition that caused me so much suffering. but at least i'm doing something about it now.

[[parasite]]

so it turns out i definitely have bipolar 2. i've been on Lamictal for almost two months and it has been like a miracle for me. my irritability has gone down drastically, i've actually been able to relax a few times (i can never relax so that's a huge deal), i don't get angry about pointless shit (like spilling water or someone driving like a jerk, both of which used to cause me to scream), and when i have a low day, i'm better equipped to handle it and find something to focus on to get myself out of it.

meds aren't for everyone, but i'm so glad that i've found something that helps me feel more like a person and less like a walking ball of anxiety/depression. part of me wishes i had done something/found this sooner, because looking back on my life, i can see so many things that were clearly caused by this condition that caused me so much suffering. but at least i'm doing something about it now.

lamictal (lamotrigine) is awesome I've been on it now for 8 years, with a tweak here and there, to find my therapeutic dose. although I'm not Bipolar.
glad you've found that there is/was a good medication that's working for you.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[kel]

eversonpoe i was diagnosed at 29. quetiapine was what ended up working best. i know finding the right med and dose is tough, so glad you found something that works for you.

[binaryhermit]

I'm tired, kinda manic, and triggered by the shitshow that is 2019.

I just wanna opt out of life, like, permanently check into a psychiatric facility.

[botley]

I have experienced bouts of major depression before. It's more often at a manageable level (read: I'm high-functioning), but I am sliding into one of those weeks where it feels like I can barely get up and interact with other people. My therapist is also on temporary leave, so I have precious little space to vent. It's also minus-eleven-billion degrees outside, and commuting to work feels like being slowly ground up into hamburger with tiny razor blades. So that's not helpful.

[eversonpoe]

I have experienced bouts of major depression before. It's more often at a manageable level (read: I'm high-functioning), but I am sliding into one of those weeks where it feels like I can barely get up and interact with other people. My therapist is also on temporary leave, so I have precious little space to vent. It's also minus-eleven-billion degrees outside, and commuting to work feels like being slowly ground up into hamburger with tiny razor blades. So that's not helpful.

:: big hug :: hang in there, dude. <3

[kel]

wow, sarah. he sounds like a catch.

[ickyvicky]

My husband suffers from manic depression and anxiety. It's gotten to the point now where it's super bad, and he had to take a medical leave off from work for a month, and he joined a therapeutic program for a couple of weeks while he was off from work. They're also switching his meds where it's treating for Bipolar 1. Since this new medication takes a while to kick in, things have been rough at home. It's constant walking on eggshells around him, and I'm trying my best to be strong. Unfortunately, the other night, I just lost my temper and we got into a big fight where I made the mistake of blaming his condition. I feel terrible. We've been married for 8 years, together 14 - so it's nothing new or out of the ordinary, his family has also been very supportive. I just wish this disease would somehow get better instead of worse.

[Halo Infinity]

I'm still stuck between wanting to fix everything and run away from everything. A combination of the two would seem to be the best, but reality just doesn't work that way.

[BRoswell]

I'm still stuck between wanting to fix everything and run away from everything. A combination of the two would seem to be the best, but reality just doesn't work that way.

I just discussed that with my therapist during my last session. That "fight or flight" response is something I deal with a lot.

[ickyvicky]

My husband is experiencing the same thing. He even says sometimes he just wants to leave me some money and just take off.

[tony.parente]

Signed divorce papers a few days ago. I’m sorta private about my love life when it comes to negative stuff, airing dirty laundry in public has always come off as trashy to me. We didn’t have much in that department but it’s so surreal to not be with my partner of 12 years and I don’t know how to feel or how to process any of this. Life is hard sometimes

[Sarah K]

Fuck, Tony. I'm really sorry to hear that.

[allegro]

Oh wow, Tony, so sorry to hear that. Yes, life is hard sometimes. I hope you have a support system of family and friends during this difficult time.

[Swykk]

Signed divorce papers a few days ago. I’m sorta private about my love life when it comes to negative stuff, airing dirty laundry in public has always come off as trashy to me. We didn’t have much in that department but it’s so surreal to not be with my partner of 12 years and I don’t know how to feel or how to process any of this. Life is hard sometimes

Damn. You guys just went to Disney. I never would’ve guessed.

Been there, dude. Very sorry you’re going through it. I hope it’s civil but let’s be real, it almost never is.

[tony.parente]

Damn. You guys just went to Disney. I never would’ve guessed.

Been there, dude. Very sorry you’re going through it. I hope it’s civil but let’s be real, it almost never is.

Civil as it can be. She’s an incredible person and all I want is for her to be able to get through this as easy as possible. Her support structure is rock solid, mine isn’t AS great but I have an amazing few people that know that are there for me. Day by day I guess, they say everything gets easier with time

[Yellowlovebear2]

Autistic, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, A.D.H.D., P.T.S.D., all of my children taken away and pregnant?????????????????????????????????????????? ????

[ickyvicky]

I'm so sorry @tony.parente (https://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=2107) Hang in there

[Bachy]

Well, my girlfriend gave me just a quick questionnaire the other day which is mainly to determine if someone is autistic. I basically scored almost borderline. Though in reading further regarding the symptoms, a lot of them fit me to a “t.” I’ve always thought I had a bit of an acute case of it given many of my little quirks. However this would really help to at least explain most of my issues in interacting with people in general. Even every day interactions such as buying groceries or even Skyping, I still have difficulty looking people directly in the eye. I pretty much regularly get anxiety just talking to people on the phone if it’s somebody I don’t already know (though this is mainly only when it doesn’t involve work. Work phone calls I’m fine. Anything outside of that such as ordering a pizza still make me uneasy). I’ve always attibuted this to just extreme shyness or just being a socially awkward person in general. It seems more likely to me that I’m probably on the spectrum.

[Emily]

Anyone else have relatively relentless body dysmorphia? I've been stuck in a rut with it for a few months now in spite of reaching some breakthrough points in therapy about what function hating my appearance serves for me. I just find it so unbelievably hard acknowledging the negative thoughts about my body as they happen, because they're just constant p much. V much autopilot.

[Swykk]

I’ve been trying to say less lately. About everything.

It’s not helping.

I’m moving this week. Selling my house was easier than finding another place to live. Lots of bad luck there. The guy I’m buying from is a dishonorable prick. Long story short, now I’ll be moving twice because the place I’m moving into won’t be closed on for 2-4 weeks. So I’ll be staying in a hotel until then.

I’m a routine person. I like to plan. This has and will continue to keep my anxiety at critical levels. It’s the hardest part. My stomach is a nauseous wreck. My ears are ringing.

[Jon]

Anyone else have relatively relentless body dysmorphia? I've been stuck in a rut with it for a few months now in spite of reaching some breakthrough points in therapy about what function hating my appearance serves for me. I just find it so unbelievably hard acknowledging the negative thoughts about my body as they happen, because they're just constant p much. V much autopilot.

I've dealt with this since college. I was 295 at my heaviest (in high school), but am currently 172. I still feel like I'm 295 pounds when I move (even though I physically have no trouble); I still see someone that is 295 pounds when I look in the mirror. I am unable to grow fingernails without feeling absolutely grossed out, and feel like I'm grossing out others (I do not chew my nails). I also have to shave my head and beard with a #3 and no other guard length. I competely understand the "autopilot" part with regards to negative thoughts and giving in to "rituals" or "old habits".

For me, the key has to been to keep my isolation in check. I work out of my house for 8 months of the year; there's no reason to stay inside during my free time. It's a trap.

I wish you continued breakthroughs in your therapy. :)

[bRoot]

Although not (yet?) classed as a biological and environmental condition.

ASD/AS/PDD-NOS and LT Insom. with comorbz.

I have also had experience with The Truman Show effect.

I used to have "nearly" anorexia as a kid, now with medication I am bigger, and looking for the right drive to shed, cut and tone. Ive done this before while exercising both indoors and outdoors. And I think I might just put "discipline" on my ipod (that I don't have) while adding filler to segway into YZ (that I just bought)

*shrugs

[Emily]

Oh god I so relate. The rituals! And the way that isolation really plays into it all too. I just did a holiday for the first time in a year, and when I last went away I was quite underweight because of stress etc, so obviously I've spent the whole 3 weeks trying to work on my BD, but also just chastising myself for being skinnier when I was last away, but also knowing that at the time I felt the same about my body as I do now. It's a world of confusion.

[ickyvicky]

My husband's depression and anxiety has taken a toll for the worse. I was away last weekend visiting my mother, and we also received news from his sister that she has breast cancer. When I came home, he was obviously in an upset mood. However, he said to me, "I'm actually not that sad about my sister's diagnosis, I'm more sad that you're back and have to live in this hell."
He continues to express how unhappy he is at his job, threatens to quit everyday. The other night he punched the wall and threw my clothes across the living room. He says he doesn't understand why I'm still around and that I should just leave him. "I'll give you $30K so you can just leave and not have to deal with me anymore!"

He's on Lamotrigine (mood stabilizer, acute treatment for bipolar disorder), Oxcarbazepine (epilepsy), Quetiapine (schizophrenia/bipolar/depression).

His family and my family are aware of the situation and are in contact with him/trying to help, we made a doctor's appointment for him to see later this week. It's just so sad to watch him deteriorate and that there's nothing I can do to help him.
I don't want to leave and give up on him, but I think it's getting close to that point :-( We've been together for 14 years (married 8), I just can't get myself to throw that away. There has to be a light at the end of this tunnel!

[eversonpoe]

My husband's depression and anxiety has taken a toll for the worse. I was away last weekend visiting my mother, and we also received news from his sister that she has breast cancer. When I came home, he was obviously in an upset mood. However, he said to me, "I'm actually not that sad about my sister's diagnosis, I'm more sad that you're back and have to live in this hell."
He continues to express how unhappy he is at his job, threatens to quit everyday. The other night he punched the wall and threw my clothes across the living room. He says he doesn't understand why I'm still around and that I should just leave him. "I'll give you $30K so you can just leave and not have to deal with me anymore!"

He's on Lamotrigine (mood stabilizer, acute treatment for bipolar disorder), Oxcarbazepine (epilepsy), Quetiapine (schizophrenia/bipolar/depression).

His family and my family are aware of the situation and are in contact with him/trying to help, we made a doctor's appointment for him to see later this week. It's just so sad to watch him deteriorate and that there's nothing I can do to help him.
I don't want to leave and give up on him, but I think it's getting close to that point :-( We've been together for 14 years (married 8), I just can't get myself to throw that away. There has to be a light at the end of this tunnel!

:: hugs ::

[ickyvicky]

eversonpoe Thank you <3

[[parasite]]

so I've now been put on Risperidone, and taken off of Aripiprazole and it was giving me bladder issues,

has anyone tried Risperidone?

first 2 nights: getting to sleep is near on impossible, then after 5-6 hours I fall asleep for 3 hours when I have to get up, which now is a pro as I'm drowsy lol

not sure if I have re-evaluate when I'm taking the meds, (after my evening meal)
maybe I have to take them earlier than that??

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[[parasite]]

OK, came off Rispiridone and now on Flupentixol.....


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[ickyvicky]

InsecureSpike Hope it works out!


After meeting with my husband's psychiatrist this past weekend, with everything that he is taking now (Lamotrigine, Oxcarbazepine, Quetiapine, and 2 other pills for his blood pressure & cholesterol), he wants to add Ritalin to the mix because he's showing the symptoms of ADHD. I don't know, I'm going to start looking for a new doctor for him because all he's doing is just giving him more and more pills. I don't like this at all. At what point does this become too much?

[Sarah K]

That's what psychiatrists are for, though. Formal diagnoses and medication management. That's about it. Any additional services, you will have to find a social worker, psychologist, therapist, support group, etc.

Getting outside/other opinions is always a good option, but for most psychiatrists, you're just going to get a brief meeting and prescriptions, not much else.

[eversonpoe]

found out last week (while i was in the middle of getting some bad news) that my psychiatrist is moving to arizona. i have one last appointment with her in september and then i need to find someone else. really not looking forward to that process.

been relatively level for a while but as fall is approaching i can feel my usual stuff creeping up. i wish my favorite season didn't make me so depressed.

dealing with a lot of invasive thoughts in the last few days. almost drove out in front of oncoming traffic today without realizing it was a bad thing to do. :/

[Mantra]

found out last week (while i was in the middle of getting some bad news) that my psychiatrist is moving to arizona. i have one last appointment with her in september and then i need to find someone else. really not looking forward to that process.

been relatively level for a while but as fall is approaching i can feel my usual stuff creeping up. i wish my favorite season didn't make me so depressed.

dealing with a lot of invasive thoughts in the last few days. almost drove out in front of oncoming traffic today without realizing it was a bad thing to do. :/

Stay strong eversonpoe

[kel]

much love eversonpoe.

[Jinsai]

panic attacks, anxiety... I don't know what it's called... it hits me, frequently at around 3 to 4 am, and then I'm sitting up all night trying to lie in the position that makes me feel the most sane and comfortable... during waking hours I'm calling therapists, trying to explain to them that I need something, like medicine, this isn't normal, and I'm losing my mind...

And then I'm being too frank, I'm "spooking them" is what a medical friend told me... but man, when you're really asking for help, don't you sound spooked? It's always a little humiliating isn't it, and I don't know you doctor, so me telling you I have an issue that's new to me and I don't know what it is is strange; and certainly a strange way to begin a conversation... I was just used to being frank with my former therapist.

This is clearly a chemical thing that's happening, and there's FUCKING ADS ON TV screaming that you assholes can make me feel like I'm dancing on a cloud right before I bite into a picnic sandwich... I am so lost now that my previous therapist has retired. This is fucked. Give me some fucking pills, I promise, I need them.

Cut the shit, give me an Rx

[Mantra]

Jinsai ... Sorry to hear about that man.

I don't really get the "spooked them" thing. They're supposed to be your doctor, and a doctor that is specifically supposed to be specialized in the area of mental health. If it's not appropriate to tell them how you're feeling, then who exactly ARE you supposed to talk to? And what exactly is their purpose if not to hear about the very real things that you're actually struggling with? Seems weird to me, but idk

[Sarah K]

Jinsai, most folks who are therapists do not have the power to prescribe. Look for a psychiatrist, psychiatric nurse practitioner, or a prescribing psychologist. They are who you see to tell your symptoms and they give you drugs and you leave like 10 minutes later. Though if you've never had a formal diagnosis, it will be a bit more involved than that.

I recently had to switch providers after seeing mine for about 6 months. They randomly decided one day that they in fact do NOT take my insurance, so I got 6 months worth of bills all at once. Super fun adventure. Having trouble finding many psychiatrists covered, and the one I've found is a REAL pain in the ass about prescribing controlled substances. I take two controlled substances, and only left with one. He flat out won't prescribe any stimulants, and reduced my dose of Klonopin to .5mg instead of 1mg. I take the shit like twice a week at the most, bud.

Though I do understand the need for prescribers to be more careful and cover themselves, but it the consequence of that is accessibility to necessary medications that keep folks alive.

[allegro]

Jinsai, my INTERNIST prescribes my psych drugs (e.g. anxiety, depression, etc.). Since most insurance plans don’t cover much of therapists or psychiatrists, internists have picked up the slack.

I tried Lexapro. Started out on a very low dose, then ramped it up. Found out that any SSRI makes me tinnitus go bonkers. Like, a swarm of bees in my head. All day and night.

So, can’t take that. And I don’t want to fuck with other scary shit.

So now I’m trying exercise, meditation, and a change in my diet.

[Jinsai]

Honestly what’s crazy is we’ve spent the past few days at my parents place... and we’re both sleeping better, our puppy isn’t randomly crying, and I’m FINE.

im about to go full conspiracy theorist

[allegro]

Honestly what’s crazy is we’ve spent the past few days at my parents place... and we’re both sleeping better, our puppy isn’t randomly crying, and I’m FINE.

im about to go full conspiracy theorist
That’s fascinating. Then it’s definitely environmental.

Mine is, too. It’s sparked by other PEOPLE.

If I could medicate THOSE PEOPLE (blow dart?), life would be so Zen.

My Internist wants me to demand boundaries, etc. Lots better than a head full of BEES.

[Mantra]

(blow dart?)

lol...I laughed for a ridiculously long amount of time imagining this.

[eversonpoe]

cross-posted in the "how fucked was your day thread"


woke up sunday with a sore throat, an upset stomach, and a fuckload of depression. cried about 8 times throughout the day for no real reason. and then i slipped in the shower just before bed, bruised my tailbone and smacked the back of my head.

my wife worked from home yesterday to take care of me. i literally laid on the couch all day because moving was so painful.

today i'm at home by myself. my mom just stopped by to check on me but i don't know how helpful it was.

i don't have any PTO right now and i've now taken two days off in a row. i'm worried that i might have to take a third day off tomorrow because i'm still having so much trouble moving, and my job is very physically demanding. part of why i've been so upset is because of frustration at work, but my co-worker (recently) turned project manager was out of town on a job last week and is out of town on training this week so i can't talk to him about what's going on. our further-up boss isn't the right person to talk to about it/do anything about it so i don't know what to do.

my depression is in full swing and my therapist (who i haven't seen in a while because we had both decided i was doing well enough to take a break) hasn't responded to the e-mail i sent them yesterday. and honestly i only sent the e-mail because my wife asked me to. it felt like an insurmountable task to me.

(wrote the above last tuesday)

tried to go back to work last wednesday, fucked up my back trying to lift my toolbag. went to immediate care where they x-rayed my whole spine, told me i didn't break anything but probably have "full body whiplash" and a concussion. got a note excusing me from work for thursday and friday, which i spent at home feeling miserable from both pain and depression (not to mention that i was still dealing with an upper respiratory issue, which still hasn't cleared up).

over the weekend i started feeling scared and i couldn't figure out why. i managed to get into a decent mood a few times but still felt overwhelmingly depressed.

i tried to go back to work again yesterday. basically woke up having a panic attack which progressively got worse as the morning progressed. at one point, i stared at an HDMI balun (something i've put in countless times) and just...didn't know what to do with it. i literally just stared at it.

i was working at a house right next to the lake in evanston (just north of chicago) and my brain just wanted me to walk into the lake. i was supposed to work there last wednesday, too. which tells me that it was maybe a blessing that i fucked up my back more and couldn't go. but yesterday i just couldn't get the thought out of my head. clearly, i didn't actually want to end my life (i am a very determined person and if that was really what i wanted, i would have walked into the lake and drowned), but there is something fucked up inside me that was telling me to do it.

i went out to my car and called my therapist (who thinks i may have post-concussion syndrome, which has exacerbated my depressive episode) while waiting for my mom to come pick me up and having the worst panic attack i've ever had. my therapist wanted me to go to the ER to get a suicide risk assessment and request an intensive outpatient care program.

i was at the ER from 10:30am until 5pm. my mom stayed with me the whole time, my wife got there before noon and also stayed. i did not like the psychiatrist i spoke to there, who wanted me to do inpatient care. thankfully my psychiatrist and therapist both spoke, and then my psychiatrist spoke to the psychiatrist at the hospital and recommended against inpatient care for me.

i have an appointment for an intake assessment at a nearby clinic tomorrow afternoon.

i am still so anxious about work. i don't want to lose my job, but i also can't function there right now. i don't really know what to do other than try to keep existing, despite how much everything feels crushing right now.

[CPSmith]

There. That's bothered me for a while now. Glad I got it out.

*Randazzo edit* and you can put it right back in. Never post anything like this again.

[botley]

^ Um, private family matters should remain private, so should thoughts about them remain private. Thanks for opening up, but this is kind of an inappropriate forum for that specific topic, yeah?


i have an appointment for an intake assessment at a nearby clinic tomorrow afternoon.

i am still so anxious about work. i don't want to lose my job, but i also can't function there right now. i don't really know what to do other than try to keep existing, despite how much everything feels crushing right now.

Sorry to hear this is all coming down on you like a ton of bricks right now, buddy. I hope they do help you out at the clinic and you get the help you need right now, that's far more important than your job, which can wait. Hope your boss or someone else in that place can advocate on your behalf while you take the time you need to make a full recovery.

[eversonpoe]

today i started a PHP program (group and individual therapy from 9:30am-2pm) at a clinic that's only 15 minutes from my apartment. i started my day at a 20 (out of 100) on the mood scale, and ended at a 40, so i'm feeling hopeful (underneath all of my anxiety and depression) that this will help me get back to a place of stability and give me some tools to help cope with everything that i've been feeling lately.

i'm waiting for a call from my boss-boss (the guy who owns the (very small) company for which i work) this afternoon, during which i'm going to request medical leave. hopefully i'll be able to go back to work sooner than later, but i know that i can't right now, and it's a huge step for me to even acknowledge that, not to mention that i'm actively seeking help.

[Sarah K]

eversonpoe - Do you have disability accommodations set up at your workplace? It sounds like it is a frequent enough issue that it is worth looking at. Tolerance for absence can be an accommodation for some folks.

[tony.parente]

today i started a PHP program (group and individual therapy from 9:30am-2pm) at a clinic that's only 15 minutes from my apartment. i started my day at a 20 (out of 100) on the mood scale, and ended at a 40, so i'm feeling hopeful (underneath all of my anxiety and depression) that this will help me get back to a place of stability and give me some tools to help cope with everything that i've been feeling lately.

i'm waiting for a call from my boss-boss (the guy who owns the (very small) company for which i work) this afternoon, during which i'm going to request medical leave. hopefully i'll be able to go back to work sooner than later, but i know that i can't right now, and it's a huge step for me to even acknowledge that, not to mention that i'm actively seeking help.

Love you buddy. I hate to see you not feeling like a million bucks, I really hope that everything smooths out and you're back to being the best version yourself soon.

<3

[eversonpoe]

@eversonpoe (https://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=588) - Do you have disability accommodations set up at your workplace? It sounds like it is a frequent enough issue that it is worth looking at. Tolerance for absence can be an accommodation for some folks.

i stupidly never signed up for disability insurance (i have the paperwork sitting in my apartment somewhere) and i don't know if i can at this point and have my absence be covered.

i spoke to my boss about 30 minutes ago and he said he's going to look into medical leave and some other options as he's not familiar with these procedures.

[Sarah K]

Accommodations don't have anything to do with insurance, though. They just provide you with a way to adjust your job while you have a disability.

Next time you see a healthcare professional (preferably a Dr., and not a therapist), explain to them what has been happening and tell them you are nervous about your employment, even if it is not to that point yet. Ask if your diagnosis and symptoms would be eligible for workplace accommodations and if so, have them write a letter to your HR department requesting them. For mental health stuff, things that are often offered are alternate work schedules, tolerance for absence, modified breaks, etc.

To get accommodations, the biggest pieces of information needed are typically:

- Your diagnosis
- When the diagnosis was made
- Whether the diagnosis is thought to be ongoing or temporary
- How that diagnosis will present functional limitations in the workplace
- Recommended accommodations


Within disability scholar circles, there is no agreed upon answer as to when/if a person should disclose and it is a personal choice for everyone. But one thing that is almost universally agreed upon is that unless you have an unusually close relationship with your supervisor, you should only disclose to HR, and not anyone outside of that capacity. Sounds like your job is being good about it right now, but it might be worth looking into for the future, just in case.

I hope you get to feeling better. <3

[punk]

My diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder.

But I think how society has come to categorize situations like mine (seeing and hearing things) isn’t quite right.

I think that if certain therapists shared notes they’d be surprised by seeming coincidence and similarity. Overlap, even.

[poinoup]

I finally got a bipolar diagnosis after saying it for years. It took a second hospitalization, but I'm finally on the correct meds it appears. All my pills are taken at night and there's eight of them.

I'm taking 1g (4 x 250mg) of Divalproex. Even a year and a half later it seems like a lot, but they're starting to help more and more. Luckily, my high school buddies have been able to help out, even if it's just a phone call.

[punk]

I finally got a bipolar diagnosis after saying it for years. It took a second hospitalization, but I'm finally on the correct meds it appears. All my pills are taken at night and there's eight of them.

I'm taking 1g (4 x 250mg) of Divalproex. Even a year and a half later it seems like a lot, but they're starting to help more and more. Luckily, my high school buddies have been able to help out, even if it's just a phone call.
I’ve lost touch with my high school buddies. My shit hit the fan and everyone (even my family) scattered. I get zero support at home.

Meds do help, I can say now (after 20 years). They don’t stop the voices or thoughts, but they do help with the anxiety and depression. I take 1500mg of divalproex (500 am, 1000 pm), and a bunch of other shit. (Kind of tired of it all, honestly).

And, man, I have been hospitalized more times than I can count in the past 20 years. I think it’s around 12. When you get no support at home, you gotta get it somewhere. Sad thing is, the hospitals still don’t get it. And sometimes they have malicious staff, which is HORRIBLE.

[Halo Infinity]

I was just reminded that sometimes sleeping on my problems actually helps me find solutions or just mere clarity. Anyway, it's as if it's hiding in plain sight, but it turned out to be true, and just very obvious in multiple ways.

Anyway, it really does turn out that I'm definitely still very much molded, controlled, dictated and haunted/tormented/tortured by my past and my emotions. It's now just a matter on how I utilize and learn from my past and emotions yet again. This was also discovered upon further realizing just how wrong I was and still am about life altogether.

I hope things will eventually turn out better for me in the 2020s, as I finally know where to start from the ground up all over at the very least mentally and emotionally, and hopefully the rest will eventually fall into place.

I didn't know any other thread to put this in, so I thought it would fit in here, and figured that I'd just leave it at that. I also hope I find more purpose, value and happiness later on, and also hope the search gets easier too. Aside from that, things generally seem to be more okay than before, so that's always a plus, even in spite of some highs and lows, but such is life. I guess it pays to take time off to reflect and as mentioned, just sleep on it every now and then.

[eversonpoe]

TW: discussion of sexual assault

tomorrow is the 17-year anniversary of my sexual assault. i had a trauma group meeting today at my PHP program but it wasn't at all what i was hoping it would be. still having a lot of trouble right now in general and this on top if it is just...really upsetting.

[punk]

...i had a trauma group meeting today at my PHP program but it wasn't at all what i was hoping it would be...
I have some big issues, too (including trauma), and I have tried a few times to discuss them in group therapy sessions, and even individual therapy, and have found that it’s hard to cover any major problem when there are limitations like time, other patients’ concerns, and taboo. I don’t think that’s right. It frustrates me deeply. I need help, and have found no one to talk to, even among people whose job it is is to listen.

Just because someone says they can help and want to help doesn’t mean they are really able to, sadly, for whatever reason.

[eversonpoe]

(cross-posted in the work thread)

been working hard at my PHP groups to make progress. decided i needed to talk to work about the future and make a pretty big decision.

so, i had a phone call with my boss today where i laid out a lot of my issues and concerns, made a request to be moved into a different position (essentially one that would have to be created), and when he said that was (understandably) not possible at this time, i said i don't think i can come back.

he was extremely kind, extremely understand, and is going to work with some of the people i had issues with to get them to be more sensitive/understanding of others to try to create a better work environment for everyone there, even if i don't come back.

he also said that no bridges have been burned, me taking care of myself is paramount, and that if i ever want to come back, i'll be welcome because i'm really good at what i do.

so, i'm feeling a bit relieved but also nervous about the future.

[eversonpoe]

stepped down to IOP today (9:30-noon instead of 9:30-2), my best friend is in town as of today, and i'm still here.

had a rough weekend (after finally having two good weekdays last thursday and friday) but i managed to recover today.

been doing so much music in the last three weeks that by the end of next week i'll probably have a new album to release (4 songs, 32 minutes, like ya do). it's been really helpful to process a lot of the shit i'm going through.

[Sarah K]

Man, I have an old friend who has just completely lost it. He spoke about some fraud and then just seemingly randomly moved back to Nebraska from Atlanta earlier this year. I thought it was abrupt, but I knew his job was stressing him out big time, so didn't give it much thought. He's in high-level IT, so I figured he would just find a new job and that would be that.

I haven't been on facebook much recently, but then caught a couple of posts that I thought were odd, but brushed them off as humor that I didn't understand. But then it happened again the other day, so I started scrolling back on his timeline, and yikes. Then I looked at his twitter, which was even worse. Some highlights:

- He believes that he escaped an IED explosion last night
- Frequently posting about "radiation" in Nebraska
- He listed a TV for sale that he just purchased a couple of weeks ago with this description:
Nice TV I bought from a work auction. Modified with camera in upper right corner worth $7000 when I got gangstalked in GA.

And then using these annoying signaling buds they pushed the smell of burnt meth to my mouth and bloated me after putting on my clothes. 290lbs+

If you have recordings of the Nebraska radio noise with my likeness, contact me on Facebook. I’m playing the waiting game with the state of Georgia and the US Govt.

My body is doing something weird. My body keeps expanding and decompressing in a matter of minutes.

Someone is subverting all of my god damned postal service letters and bills. Driving me crazy.

It has come to my attention that several of my personal contacts private and business were prank called by an individual by the name [XXX - not sure if it is a real name or not] who goes by "[XXX] of the Federal Reserve Bank of America/Atlanta" who threatened under the guise of bodily harm by the "White Mexican Cartel." The prank calls and robo-dialer harassment have caused millions in material damage to my closest friends and colleagues. I advise anyone who has received these calls to pull records and seek legal advice. The actual White Mexican Cartel has nothing to do with these isolated incidents, and the Federal Govt is investigating accordingly.

So apparently for $10/hr I can be tortured courtesy of [name of person he thinks is after him] and the fucking Midtown Moon

@POTUS (https://twitter.com/POTUS)
I became a psychic because [XXX] told you I was a meth head for smoking meth in the restroom at work. I’ve been violated at every state and federal level. On the plus side, I found out that I’m the 2nd coming of Christ.

@POTUS (https://twitter.com/POTUS)
heard news about low radio bands being blocked by Georgians preventing homeland security from doing its job
- Tweeting at multiple FBI field offices
- Thinks that he is being "gangstalked", which I researched, and it is a new mental illness meets social media phenomenon where folks with schizophrenia or other disorders that cause delusions basically validate the delusions of one another.

This shit is terrifying. He does not seem to be a threat to himself at this point, but I'm so concerned for him. He is from a family whose culture is very "Just pray and god will fix it" when it comes to mental illness. So I've been reaching out to some of his local friends hoping that someone will do something. I'm putting together a list of resources in the local area because he doesn't have a job, so likely no insurance. Goddamn I feel helpless on the other side of the country, and it is anger-inducing that his local friends have not intervened before it got this bad.

Terrifying what our own fucking brains can do to us.

[elevenism]

I'm still struggling with this shit. I was once labeled schizoaffective, but the diagnosis was slightly downgraded to "bipolar disorder w/psychotic features."
Anyone who has talked to me one on one, or, even just looked at my fucking post count here, knows how manic I get.


THE HELL OF IT ALL IS THIS:
Most of the time, I don't wanna be alive. It's been this way, on and off, since I was a fucking kid.
I'm on like, 6 psych meds.
I still don't know what the fucking answer is.
It just gets worse and worse with time.

Everybody hang on, if you relate to that part. Just hold on, I guess. I suppose that's the only answer that I know. About 8 of my closest friends have killed themselves at this point, blatantly and flagrantly, or, with drugs.

Fuck that. We ain't going out like that.

[BRoswell]

- Thinks that he is being "gangstalked", which I researched, and it is a new mental illness meets social media phenomenon where folks with schizophrenia or other disorders that cause delusions basically validate the delusions of one another.

This happened to a friend's wife back in 2017. She got mixed up with some bad people who gave her a hit of cocaine, which, combined with her psych meds, totally fucked her up. Then some online group she was a part of told her that she didn't need the meds because they were "interfering with her creativity", which made things even worse. It eventually got to the point where she was convinced the world was coming to an end, hopped into her car, and tried to enter a local businessman's house because she believed it was a shelter from the coming apocalypse. Eventually after being committed to a psych facility for a month she returned to "normal", but it was terrifying to watch my friend go through the emotional trauma that it caused.

[Sarah K]

Here's to hoping it is something drug-induced that can be recovered from and not something worse and permanent. Neither option is good, but that seems like the lesser of two evils I guess.

I spoke with a friend who was in touch with his sister, and apparently they are trying to get him some help. I just hope that help means professional interventions and not praying.

[eversonpoe]

i graduated from my IOP program today! i'm feeling (mostly) good about it. wish i was leaving and going to a job, but at least i'm doing exponentially better than i was when i got there! and i have a bunch of cat-sitting lined up this month, plus my best friend just got in town and is here for a full month, so i have lots to look forward to right now.

[allegate]

https://twitter.com/GaryGulman/status/1182339413684174851

[Jon]

My diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder.

But I think how society has come to categorize situations like mine (seeing and hearing things) isn’t quite right.

I think that if certain therapists shared notes they’d be surprised by seeming coincidence and similarity. Overlap, even.

My stepdaughter (23) was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder 2 weeks ago. I am interested to know what you mean by your second sentence.

Her hallucinations are strictly auditory (at this point), but they are suicidal/homicidal. We're stuck in a cycle right now where she enters a manic episode, commits crimes, attempts to overdose on her medication when she feels trapped (we're talking 10+ attempts, with 2 being "successful" and she was dead for a period of time), gets admitted and has her medications taken from her because of attempted overdose and nothing actually gets "figured out" or "solved".

I guess I needed to vent... I haven't posted on a social media platform in 7 years. I genuinely worry for her...

[sore_and_crucified]

This is a bit long and disjointed I’m sorry. I was advised to write down my feelings after seeking out some help. I don’t have many people to turn to and no one I can speak about stuff like this.


Ive recently moved from part time to full time contract and regretting my decision. I’m nearly 40 and worked in various roles since 16 and wanted to share

3 years ago I had to quit my job due to stress/ panic attacks. I came to the doctor with no help. My manager made me stay at my desk and publicly blamed me for some errors in front of staff. This was an office role.

I have always felt uncomfortable since secondary school. in social situations or taking the lead. I might put things off if I see someone’s car is parked outside or I try to time things when people are out.

I have asked for my old job back. I used to work in back office function, take lunch on my own, sometimes work the first hour or two on my own in a small team of 2/3.

7:35pm this evening I am worried about tomorrow. I have messaged my manager to get an appointment at the doctors. I am thinking of the easiest ways to get out. How do I end this. I know that I cannot do this everyday.

To calm down I have tried to take my mind off things using my phone. I just scroll quickly between social media without really reading anything and make myself feel worse.

Because I am self taught I have a lot of doubt about my abilities. I struggled academically and always feel inferior because of this. I went to a welsh speaking primary school and was one of only 2 English pupils in a small school of around 40-50. I always feel I missed out on basic education.

I sometimes struggle to remember certain things sometimes where I parked the car and I can be very bad with directions. I can get confused

I sleep for 10 hours plus over the weekend, and often wake up but don’t want to get out of bed and can then fall back asleep. Sometimes think that I can just sleep through.

I’m going to speak to a GP tomorrow as this doesn’t feel normal. I spoke to Samaritans today as I don’t have many friends or support network. I have since seen a few GPs and signed up for some online help (to try and get through work). Looking back I’ve just snapped. I don’t know how to go on with this but have to for my family.

[Halo Infinity]

Terrifying what our own fucking brains can do to us.
This seriously sums it all up and perfectly captures it all for me. I was finally able to catch myself and realize that I can't nor should I always trust my brain. My thoughts and emotions have almost gotten me in serious trouble more times than they should've. Or, sometimes they take me to very dark and regrettable places that I just shock myself at the fact I ever felt and thought such things, which just leaves me just wanting to run away from everything and purge my mind and heart altogether.

I suppose I needed to see it worded this way, because in spite of this topic sending chills down my spine, it actually helps me put mental health into perspective and not to believe every single thing my brain tells me in spite of how real it feels and looks. This also reminds me to catch up on sleep. I know we don't really talk, and I know I don't have any advice or suggestions (Since not only would I be in any position to offer advice/suggestions, but I'd also be in the same boat.), but I wanted to thank you for indirectly helping me clarify some of my thoughts and emotions regarding this very topic. If I did everything my brain told me, I simply wouldn't be here. (If not by death, by being locked up or homeless.) It's now just yet another valid reason to find better outlets for my emotions and thoughts and to not always trust, believe and follow my brain/mind/heart.

[slave2thewage]

Rough few weeks. Anxiety can just piss off already.

[mfte]

I'm not much into combat sports but I do loosely follow certain fighters. Usually when they have interesting personalities. I really like Tyson Fury. He became heavy weight champs and then spiraled into depression, alcoholism, drug use and a near suicide attempt. He has since been able to regain his ground and now speaks as a mental health advocate and shares strategies that have worked for him. The reason I bring him up is because it is interesting to have someone talking about this coming from a field where this sort of thing might be seen as week or something that is not classically masculine etc.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5qTvdFFW8c

[theimage13]

I don't believe it's officially recognized as a mental health issue, but it's got a name: misophonia.

Do you get filled with anything from anxiety to rage at the sound of someone eating? Repeatedly clicking a pen? Just plain breathing heavily? I'm not talking "oh, those sounds are annoying". I mean you literally feel angry to the point of near violence at the sound of these things?

I do! And I'm happy to finally learn that it's at least become recognized and studied enough to have a name, if not a cause. Lab tests have shown that it's a legitimate thing where your brain has strong reactions to these sounds, and not just a behavioral trait. Not sure where I'm going with this, other than it sucks ass and it has honest to god strained some of my closest relationships because I cannot stand to be in a quiet room with someone else while they're eating anything even remotely crunchy. Show of hands - anyone else feeling understood right now, or am I just nuts?

[eversonpoe]

last week at therapy, i was describing how i've been feeling lately, and my therapist suggest that i might be feeling "empty", at which point i started bawling, and continued for the rest of my appointment. i don't know if i've ever cried that much in therapy.

yesterday at my appointment, they suggested i might, instead of/in addition to bipolar 2, have borderline personality disorder. feeling pretty weird and overwhelmed about that. it was a big enough deal when i got my original diagnosis, and now this on top of it just has me feeling very weighed down.

[tony.parente]

I'm not much into combat sports but I do loosely follow certain fighters. Usually when they have interesting personalities. I really like Tyson Fury. He became heavy weight champs and then spiraled into depression, alcoholism, drug use and a near suicide attempt. He has since been able to regain his ground and now speaks as a mental health advocate and shares strategies that have worked for him. The reason I bring him up is because it is interesting to have someone talking about this coming from a field where this sort of thing might be seen as week or something that is not classically masculine etc.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5qTvdFFW8c


Tyson Fury is a garbage human being. (https://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/tyson-fury-breaks-into-anti-semitic-homophobic-and-sexist-rant-during-interview-a7028456.html)

[allegate]

I don't believe it's officially recognized as a mental health issue, but it's got a name: misophonia.

Do you get filled with anything from anxiety to rage at the sound of someone eating? Repeatedly clicking a pen? Just plain breathing heavily? I'm not talking "oh, those sounds are annoying". I mean you literally feel angry to the point of near violence at the sound of these things?

I do! And I'm happy to finally learn that it's at least become recognized and studied enough to have a name, if not a cause. Lab tests have shown that it's a legitimate thing where your brain has strong reactions to these sounds, and not just a behavioral trait. Not sure where I'm going with this, other than it sucks ass and it has honest to god strained some of my closest relationships because I cannot stand to be in a quiet room with someone else while they're eating anything even remotely crunchy. Show of hands - anyone else feeling understood right now, or am I just nuts?

I bought a $200 pair of noise-canceling headphones because of this. my office mate comes to work and starts eating. he finishes eating and makes himself a huge bowl of oatmeal - the bowl itself is 8" across and has two inches of oats in it - that he eats while smacking his lips and hitting his teeth with the spoon. he also eats 'home made' coconut oil out of a mason jar and has a new one every day. after he finishes his oatmeal he goes for a walk but when he comes back he eats lunch and if he does overtime then he leaves to go to Subway* at 2:30 and brings the sandwich back to eat at his desk. he makes so much noise eating - mmm and mmph and umm - that it's like he's having sex with his mouth. he slurps his tea on every sip, he eats rice crackers that are so stale they crunch, and he chews gum like a horse with a peanut butter allergy. Also, he does not take criticism that he's a loud eater well and gets very defensive about it, he refuses to acknowledge it. And somehow he's got a beautiful wife and two kids and he's skinny. The fucker.

I am so fucking glad I am no longer in that office, I moved on Tuesday.

*technically he should be off work when he goes to Subway but he goes during work time. as much as he pisses me off I was legit thinking I should say something about this but now I don't care. whatever. if he gets into an accident driving while he should be working that's on him.

[eversonpoe]

I bought a $200 pair of noise-canceling headphones because of this. my office mate comes to work and starts eating. he finishes eating and makes himself a huge bowl of oatmeal - the bowl itself is 8" across and has two inches of oats in it - that he eats while smacking his lips and hitting his teeth with the spoon. he also eats 'home made' coconut oil out of a mason jar and has a new one every day. after he finishes his oatmeal he goes for a walk but when he comes back he eats lunch and if he does overtime then he leaves to go to Subway* at 2:30 and brings the sandwich back to eat at his desk. he makes so much noise eating - mmm and mmph and umm - that it's like he's having sex with his mouth. he slurps his tea on every sip, he eats rice crackers that are so stale they crunch, and he chews gum like a horse with a peanut butter allergy. Also, he does not take criticism that he's a loud eater well and gets very defensive about it, he refuses to acknowledge it. And somehow he's got a beautiful wife and two kids and he's skinny. The fucker.

I am so fucking glad I am no longer in that office, I moved on Tuesday.

*technically he should be off work when he goes to Subway but he goes during work time. as much as he pisses me off I was legit thinking I should say something about this but now I don't care. whatever. if he gets into an accident driving while he should be working that's on him.

1) that's a lot to eat in a day, does he have a metabolism issue?
2) WHO JUST SITS AND EATS COCONUT OIL?!? use it to cook, put it on your lips if they're dry, but just sitting there and eating it??? WHAT THE FUCK!?
3) i am so, so sorry.

[mfte]

well then....
I wasn't aware that he sounded like the infowars comment section.

[allegate]

1) that's a lot to eat in a day, does he have a metabolism issue?
2) WHO JUST SITS AND EATS COCONUT OIL?!? use it to cook, put it on your lips if they're dry, but just sitting there and eating it??? WHAT THE FUCK!?
3) i am so, so sorry.
1) I sure as shit hope so, because that's a lot of stuff to...pardon the expression...stuff into your face. I don't care if you're intermittent fasting or whatever, that's a LOT of food.
2) I KNOW. he also drinks apple cider vinegar straight for cleanses.
3) I mentioned it to my boss once and he's like, "it can't be that bad". lol no it's probably worse because I'm trying to not portray him as a lunatic. when he gets up to leave the office he grabs his jacket from behind the door but leaves the door in a 45-degree angle. He doesn't open it all the way and he doesn't close it all the way...which is more of a pet peeve, really. he leaves his phones (work/personal) on vibrate but puts them on a hollow plastic container so when they vibrate the sounds are magnified. the other day his wife called him and he wasn't there and I saw that the contact listing on his cell phone came up as "wife".

I swear to you I'm going to see him on the news sometime in the future.

[Magnetic]

I don't believe it's officially recognized as a mental health issue, but it's got a name: misophonia.

Do you get filled with anything from anxiety to rage at the sound of someone eating? Repeatedly clicking a pen? Just plain breathing heavily? I'm not talking "oh, those sounds are annoying". I mean you literally feel angry to the point of near violence at the sound of these things?

I do! And I'm happy to finally learn that it's at least become recognized and studied enough to have a name, if not a cause. Lab tests have shown that it's a legitimate thing where your brain has strong reactions to these sounds, and not just a behavioral trait. Not sure where I'm going with this, other than it sucks ass and it has honest to god strained some of my closest relationships because I cannot stand to be in a quiet room with someone else while they're eating anything even remotely crunchy. Show of hands - anyone else feeling understood right now, or am I just nuts?

*raises hand*
That said...
It doesn't negate the fact that some people just behave like wild animals and need to learn some goddamn table manners. Chew with your mouth closed! It really isn't that difficult.

[theimage13]

*raises hand*
That said...
It doesn't negate the fact that some people just behave like wild animals and need to learn some goddamn table manners. Chew with your mouth closed! It really isn't that difficult.

True. But you can still make a tremendous amount of noise while chewing with your mouth closed. It's definitely worse when someone is just a super sloppy eater, but even the most polite / well-mannered people still make noises that drive me insane.
allegate, I honestly got angry just reading your post. Sweet holy mother. I think I would have had to resort to full time anti-anxiety meds.

[Magnetic]

Ohhh, believe me, I know what you're saying. I'm just weird in that I have some serious aggro when people have poor table manners, and this trend has been increasing for a while. Or it's just a sign that I'm getting old.

[Mantra]

Think I'm just gonna leave this here...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBjfLE5uX0A

[allegate]

Ohhh, believe me, I know what you're saying. I'm just weird in that I have some serious aggro when people have poor table manners, and this trend has been increasing for a while. Or it's just a sign that I'm getting old.

https://sites.psu.edu/asrpassion/wp-content/uploads/sites/39150/2016/02/taco.jpg

[Mantra]

he also eats 'home made' coconut oil out of a mason jar and has a new one every day.

This dude's arteries must be totally fucked.

[allegro]

I don't believe it's officially recognized as a mental health issue, but it's got a name: misophonia.Show of hands - anyone else feeling understood right now, or am I just nuts?

It’s a neurophysiological disorder. (https://www.physiciansweekly.com/what-is-misophonia-and-what-can-you-do-for-patients/)

Chewing, snoring, fork-biting, sinus-clearing, people repeatedly THROAT-CLEARING MAKES ME CLIMB WALLS, omg. TERRIBLE. Feels like in a BATHTUB with the noise.

I like this article. (https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/03/18/702784044/misophonia-when-lifes-noises-drive-you-mad) OMG a fucking chips bag, OMG.

I have hereditary migraines so I believe that my migraines are related to the misophonia.

edit: whoa, jeez, there's an association lol: https://misophonia-association.org/

[allegate]

I had a doctor appointment today and decided to tell him that my memory is going. Like, there are times when I am talking or thinking and I get to a word and my brain just shuts down and I can't go any further. Usually I can think around the word I want with synonyms and antonyms - because I can see the word, I just can't say it - and I get there eventually but there are an increasing number of times when it's just a full stop.

Memory is one of the biggest things that shape who you are and it's like admitting you're weak, to borrow a phrase from fragile male egos. I mean, I didn't put it on the paperwork as a reason I was there because I didn't want his nurses to know ffs. But he's a great guy and helped with some stuff back when my wife was really sick and hurting so it was 'easy' to open up to him. Really weird to feel my body/mind telling me nooooooo while I was talking about it.

[Mantra]

I had a doctor appointment today and decided to tell him that my memory is going. Like, there are times when I am talking or thinking and I get to a word and my brain just shuts down and I can't go any further. Usually I can think around the word I want with synonyms and antonyms - because I can see the word, I just can't say it - and I get there eventually but there are an increasing number of times when it's just a full stop.

Memory is one of the biggest things that shape who you are and it's like admitting you're weak, to borrow a phrase from fragile male egos. I mean, I didn't put it on the paperwork as a reason I was there because I didn't want his nurses to know ffs. But he's a great guy and helped with some stuff back when my wife was really sick and hurting so it was 'easy' to open up to him. Really weird to feel my body/mind telling me nooooooo while I was talking about it.

Damn, sorry to hear that dude. Did he have any thoughts about what might be causing it?

[allegate]

early thought was sleep apnea so I'm going in for a sleep study. he's also referring me to a cognitive specialist, so there's that too. maybe ADD/ADHD at a low level? there are thoughts, going to check them all out.

[allegro]

early thought was sleep apnea so I'm going in for a sleep study. he's also referring me to a cognitive specialist, so there's that too. maybe ADD/ADHD at a low level? there are thoughts, going to check them all out.

Any meds you’re on that could be causing it? I have it, and one of my meds is the culprit (Topiramate for migraines).

Although, my estrogen loss is likely also causing it. A male friend of ours gets regular testosterone shots and he swears it boosts his memory and makes him feel fantastic.

Sleep apnea definitely a culprit, though.

[allegate]

wish I could say yes, the only thing I'm on consistently is Benadryl and Cetirizine.

[allegro]

wish I could say yes, the only thing I'm on consistently is Benadryl and Cetirizine.

Benedryl is one of them.

https://www.aarp.org/health/brain-health/info-05-2013/drugs-that-may-cause-memory-loss.html#quest1

[allegate]

well balls. guess it's cetirizine only for me for awhile.

though I appreciate that it's got gabapentin on the list, that's one my wife is on daily for her nerve pain and she hates how forgetful she is, not to mention how dependent she is on the drug to feel 'normal'. I'll point that one out to her.

[allegro]

well balls. guess it's cetirizine only for me for awhile.

though I appreciate that it's got gabapentin on the list, that's one my wife is on daily for her nerve pain and she hates how forgetful she is, not to mention how dependent she is on the drug to feel 'normal'. I'll point that one out to her.

Here is another alarming article:

https://time.com/5414015/sleeping-pill-health-risks/

I’ve been trying to avoid Benedryl, too, yikes.

[allegate]

Here is another alarming article:

https://time.com/5414015/sleeping-pill-health-risks/

I’ve been trying to avoid Benedryl, too, yikes.

All these senior articles, I'm only 42 wtf! :P

I only take it at night for allergies the next day but I'm stopping that now; I take melatonin at the same time for sleep.

[allegro]

All these senior articles, I'm only 42 wtf! :P

I only take it at night for allergies the next day but I'm stopping that now; I take melatonin at the same time for sleep.
Well, it says “especially among older adults” because they’re the biggest demographic with sleep issues (as well as the biggest demographic taking OTC sleep meds, and the active ingredient in those OTC sleep meds - Diphenhydramine - is the same active ingredient in Benedryl).

Benedryl only lasts for 4 hours, unfortunately. I wish I could take melatonin; it causes me to have restless leg syndrome. LOL, can’t win.

I hope you feel better. I’ve been reading some books about mindfulness in an attempt to sharpen my memory. I’m kind of excited about the possibilities.