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somethingelse
02-11-2015, 05:34 AM
Don't feel too bad if she snuffs it

This is not the thread for your lame arse sense of humour mate.

Khrz
02-11-2015, 05:34 AM
Ryan used Dick Move...



It's very effective ! :D

elevenism
02-11-2015, 07:22 AM
goddamnit @Ryan (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=67) , you know what i meant you fucker :p

anyway, about the change...i read that it's pretty common. i guess i have to remember that she had an infection around her BRAIN.

it's crazy, it's like getting to know a different person.

honestly, i don't mind the change. she used to be very opinionated and talk shit all the time, and now she's super chill.

it's just weird.

elevenism
02-11-2015, 10:05 AM
you know what? my wife nearly died in my arms very recently. She is still weak from the meningitis. I've been nursing her back to health.
This has been the hardest, darkest time of our lives.
For two days, i waited by her side to see if she would wake up, to see if she could start breathing without the machine.

I expected her to die and was forced to accept her death, to contemplate a life without her. It HURT.

I still check to see if she's breathing over and over EVERY FUCKING NIGHT.
@Ryan (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=67) , what i did was word something the wrong way. And i immediately made it right.

But you heartlessly disrespected me and my family. Thinking about your post makes me go cold.

I ask that you don't disrespect me or my wife again.

Cat Mom
02-11-2015, 10:13 AM
Just ignore him, he always blurts stupid shit like that to everybody, it's like he has Dicky Tourettes or something.

I'm more concerned that you just (perhaps unwittingly) said you like your wife better as a Stepford Wife, with no opinions? :-(

She's healing, she had a big brain trauma and illness, give her time, be patient.

elevenism
02-11-2015, 11:24 AM
Just ignore him, he always blurts stupid shit like that to everybody, it's like he has Dicky Tourettes or something.

I'm more concerned that you just (perhaps unwittingly) said you like your wife better as a Stepford Wife, with no opinions? :-(

She's healing, she had a big brain trauma and illness, give her time, be patient.
allegro ,no, i don't like her better as a stepford wife. i am trying to make light of it.
I am going to call her either Sheap (my pet name for her,) or Jinxy (her graffiti name.)

Sheap just told me something that broke my heart. She admitted, tearfully, that she has a hard time finding words.
She said that she still THINKS the same (she is whip smart,) but she struggles to find words now.
allegro ,i hope she gets better. I hope you're right about giving it time.

But i will love her no matter what. I will care for her and love her with all of my heart.

Cat Mom
02-11-2015, 11:34 AM
elevenism, be grateful that she's alive and can talk at all.

My cousin's wife had a stroke, she was fairly young, she was on life support for a few days, we didn't know if she'd make it. Finally, she pulled through but spent a long time in the hospital in rehab, learning to sit up, then walk. Now, she can walk, but slowly. My cousin, thank God, was able to switch his job to telecommuting so he can stay home and make lunch for her and stuff (she still can't do stuff like that, and never will). She can no longer communicate, at all. She can say THREE WORDS and the docs say that's the most they expect. Her brain can't connect with her communication ability. She knows what she wants to say, but can't make the connection. You can imagine how hard this is for a marriage of 25 years, or for their 22-yr-old son. My cousin and his wife have a picture book and she points to communicate. When she misses their son (he has his own apt), she points at his picture.

On the other hand, the brain is an amazing organ. Has your wife been back to a doctor to discuss this?

Dra508
02-11-2015, 01:58 PM
My cousin's wife had a stroke, she was fairly young.
This scares the crap out of me. Why this happen? Undiagnosed high blood pressure?

As my father once said and I scoffed it off way back in the day: long term disability insurance is somewhat more important than life insurance... :(

Cat Mom
02-11-2015, 02:00 PM
This scares the crap out of me. Why this happen? Undiagnosed high blood pressure?
It was something related to her Type II diabetes. She's overweight, has Type II diabetes, but was under 50, was not morbidly obese, was being treated for diabetes, but I guess she got depressed and was not totally taking care of herself according to my cousin (high cholesterol), then BAM.

G worked with an Air Traffic Controller who had a stroke in her THIRTIES, with zero warning signs. She's not diabetic at all, no blood pressure problems (ATCs have to pass annual health exams by a US Flight Surgeon in order to get medical clearance), then BAM she had a stroke and they pulled her health clearance. She had trouble talking for a while, the whole shot. She gradually got her speech back, and then got her medical clearance back and could work again. But, about 2 years later, she had ANOTHER stroke. They permanently pulled her medical clearance that time, now she's working a desk job. I'd be scared shitless. Obviously, everybody blames the stressful job for her stroke (she worked at O'Hare Tower) but who knows. ATCs are notorious for drinking and smoking (they can't do drugs due to random drug testing).

I've had long term disability insurance for YEARS.

aggroculture
02-11-2015, 02:40 PM
I've been a mess lately, as you can probably tell.
Today I woke up my back hurts like hell.
And I know it's the stress. When I'm super-stressed = back goes.
elevenism sending good vibes to you and your wife and her recovery.
Life can be hard sometimes.

elevenism
02-11-2015, 03:32 PM
@elevenism (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=2475), be grateful that she's alive and can talk at all.

My cousin's wife had a stroke, she was fairly young, she was on life support for a few days, we didn't know if she'd make it. Finally, she pulled through but spent a long time in the hospital in rehab, learning to sit up, then walk. Now, she can walk, but slowly. My cousin, thank God, was able to switch his job to telecommuting so he can stay home and make lunch for her and stuff (she still can't do stuff like that, and never will). She can no longer communicate, at all. She can say THREE WORDS and the docs say that's the most they expect. Her brain can't connect with her communication ability. She knows what she wants to say, but can't make the connection. You can imagine how hard this is for a marriage of 25 years, or for their 22-yr-old son. My cousin and his wife have a picture book and she points to communicate. When she misses their son (he has his own apt), she points at his picture.

On the other hand, the brain is an amazing organ. Has your wife been back to a doctor to discuss this?

i am, @allegro (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=76) . she just confessed to me about not being able to speak the way she wants. But i am just so grateful that she's alive. i love her so much, in sickness and health. i held her tight and we cried a bit.
i was going to make her a doctor's appointment, but she said she would rather make it herself.

ever read Johnny Got His Gun? My dad left my mom because she got hurt at work. They prescribed her too much medication and she was fucked up all the time. She gained weight. she couldn't play music or have fun anymore so he left.

Anyway, i always said that when i get married, i will love my spouse and care for her even if she had no mouth, nose, eyes, arms or legs.
I think i said this to my dad at one point in anger.

He made a big mistake. I've listened to him cry about his guilt and pain for breaking our family.
But i still love him.

I will never make that mistake. I will care for Sheap because i am a good Sheapherd. I will give her green grasses, cool water, the whole nine yards.
Sheap said that she can still THINK normally. It's just her speech...she can't think of the right words.

We will get her to the doc soon :p

Cat Mom
02-11-2015, 04:30 PM
i am, allegro . she just confessed to me about not being able to speak the way she wants. But i am just so grateful that she's alive. i love her so much, in sickness and health. i held her tight and we cried a bit.
i was going to make her a doctor's appointment, but she said she would rather make it herself.
Yeah, a doc might be able to send her to occupational or physical therapy, or maybe give her some meds to help the process along, or even run some tests.

My dad ran off with some 19-yr-old broad when my brother and I were babies, but holding onto anger or resentment isn't a useful thing. This guy J Ivy wrote a book about it called "Dear Father (http://www.npr.org/2015/01/25/379329879/in-dear-father-a-poet-disrupts-the-cycle-of-pain)" -- here he is on Def Poetry Jam

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xdta43fVmes

Dra508
02-11-2015, 05:07 PM
It was something related to her Type II diabetes. She's overweight, has Type II diabetes, but was under 50, was not morbidly obese, was being treated for diabetes, but I guess she got depressed and was not totally taking care of herself according to my cousin (high cholesterol), then BAM.Interesting. I just heard today of a woman, just 50 who was diagnosed with early onset dementia. I asked if it could be a result of her epilepsy. Her daughter said no, the docs said probably from the long untreated diabetes. Ohmegah. :(

Sorry, this is the mental health thread.

Yoga, been my anxiety lifesaver for several years now. I highly recommend any form of it or meditation.

Cat Mom
02-11-2015, 05:20 PM
Interesting. I just heard today of a woman, just 50 who was diagnosed with early onset dementia. I asked if it could be a result of her epilepsy. Her daughter said no, the docs said probably from the long untreated diabetes. Ohmegah. :(
My stepmother died of early-onset Alzheimer's that started in her 50s, although she probably had symptoms in her late-40s. She was fully non-functional and in a nursing home at 60. She died of it at 62. Wtf. People think it's just "memory" but your brain stops sending all kinds of signals, including how to walk, how to communicate at all (she stopped talking completely by 59, was unable); she'd grimace in pain, and we'd ask where it hurt and she'd point at the table; the very last thing they "remember" is the very first thing we learn as babies: how to open our mouths to take food, then they get put on a feeding tube. Ugh, awful.

Oh, hey, look at this (http://www.alzheimers.net/2013-11-25/how-meditation-can-slow-alzheimers/). Probably doesn't work very well with early-onset, but ...

Digital Twilight
02-11-2015, 06:52 PM
Yoga, been my anxiety lifesaver for several years now. I highly recommend any form of it or meditation.

I used to do Yoga and I can't recommend it enough myself. I found it really relaxing.

The more I look into it the more meditation seems to come up in regards not just to mental health issue but just all round good health. Mindfulness seems to be the big one at the minute. It's something I'm going to try in the upcoming months.

elevenism
02-11-2015, 07:45 PM
thank you for your words, @allegro (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=76) .
you are like a big sister or cool aunt who is just full of wisdom and knowledge. '

I have forgiven my father and am going to see him soon.

Love DPJ, by rhewah

edit: lol by THE WAY. i was SLEEPY.

Dra508
02-11-2015, 08:00 PM
I used to do Yoga and I can't recommend it enough myself. I found it really relaxing.

The more I look into it the more meditation seems to come up in regards not just to mental health issue but just all round good health. Mindfulness seems to be the big one at the minute. It's something I'm going to try in the upcoming months.

Yes, it seems to be the 'it' thing right now, but I'm going to take it as it's become more mainstream. It's been around forever. I just heard a man being interviewed about his PTSD and he said a lot about meds and what worked and what didn't, but he said most importantly being mindful and doing yoga really worked for him. It's brain training.
allegro - Alzheimer's runs in my family. I'm concerned that my mom is going to get it like her father. He apparently did some extremely out of character stuff in his final years in a nursing home. :(

Joy Prevention Hotline
02-11-2015, 08:52 PM
So I made it through some stressful days that normally would have left me shaking, agitated and/or withdrawn. This mix of medication seems to be doing the trick, pretty much canceling out the side effects and leaving me with the steadiness I need. Not perfect, but then nobody is.

The one side effect that's inescapable is the one that's visible to everybody: 50 pounds of excess me. :( Six years ago I had a feeling these drugs were working, but I let my vanity get in the way. (Not that my vanity wasn't grounded in truth — after I dropped the Nortriptyline I lost so much weight that people thought I was going to evaporate.)

I'm five pounds heavier now than I was back then. Sigh…



The greater disappointment: I never found the drugs that would let me manipulate space and time.

elevenism
02-11-2015, 09:52 PM
The greater disappointment: I never found the drugs that would let me manipulate space and time.

don't worry. we'll find them :)

i also want whatever pills david bowie sings about taking in Time Will Crawl...the ones that made his fingers disappear.

Cat Mom
02-11-2015, 09:59 PM
allegro - Alzheimer's runs in my family. I'm concerned that my mom is going to get it like her father. He apparently did some extremely out of character stuff in his finally years in a nursing home. :(

Genetic Alzheimer's is pretty rare. It's perhaps more likely a coicidence?

See this: http://www.m.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/alzheimers-genetic

And this: http://www.m.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/alzheimers-types


Most investigators are convinced that there are many more genes involved in Alzheimer's disease and, moreover, that other conditions must also be present for the disease to develop. One of these conditions may be a problem with the way in which nerves turn sugar, or glucose, into energy, a process known as glucose metabolism.

There's that GLUCOSE, again.

Dra508
02-12-2015, 09:31 AM
And this: http://www.m.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/alzheimers-types

.

This link says nearly 1/2 of all people over 85 get Alzheimer's?!
I'm going to cling to the theory that diet and exercise help, because this shit is depressing. Oh hey, got the thread back on track. You're welcome.

Cat Mom
02-12-2015, 11:48 AM
This link says nearly 1/2 of all people over 85 get Alzheimer's?!
I'm going to cling to the theory that diet and exercise help, because this shit is depressing. Oh hey, got the thread back on track. You're welcome.
Well, hey, I still contend that this is in the MENTAL HEALTH category since it is related to the brain.

Joy Prevention Hotline
02-13-2015, 10:47 PM
Well, hey, I still contend that this is in the MENTAL HEALTH category since it is related to the brain.
Totally agree.

theruiner
02-14-2015, 04:33 PM
The depression is really bad today. Like, REALLY bad. I haven't felt this horrible in a long, long time.

Baphomette
02-15-2015, 05:18 AM
Interesting. I just heard today of a woman, just 50 who was diagnosed with early onset dementia. I asked if it could be a result of her epilepsy.Any chance she was taking an anti-epileptic like Topamax? I was on that for awhile and one of the side-effects is mental fogginess that can be misdiagnosed as early onset dementia/alz. Once I was taken off of it, the fogginess disappeared.

Cat Mom
02-15-2015, 11:25 AM
Any chance she was taking an anti-epileptic like Topamax? I was on that for awhile and one of the side-effects is mental fogginess that can be misdiagnosed as early onset dementia/alz. Once I was taken off of it, the fogginess disappeared.
I'm on Topomax for migraines, but a really low dose (50mg per day) so I don't get any of those symptoms, vs. the 200mg per day given to seizure patients (why it's often called "Dope-a-max"). Neurologists generally rule all this out, though. A 50-yr-old is probably dealing with the fogginess of menopause, too.

When my stepmom had early-onset Alzheimer's, one of the early alarming things she did: She was driving to work, she was stopped at an intersection and she suddenly got out of her car and she left her car running there in the intersection and she just wandered away.

The neurologists explained that mental fogginess is forgetting where your keys are; dementia is forgetting what your keys ARE FOR.

When I see the trailers for the film "Still Alice," they make me cry. :-(

Joy Prevention Hotline
02-15-2015, 09:00 PM
Apparently my doctor decided to do me a favor and put in for 90 day prescriptions this time. (We won't be meeting again until the end of April, but I would've been happy with 30 days and a couple refills.)

Anyway, with my insurance a 90 day prescription has to go through mail order. I was aware of all this only because Express Scripts has my email address and sent me the order confirmations.

Under normal circumstances this would be a big problem, because my prescriptions run out on Tuesday and I know Express Scripts won't ship them out that fast. But I am not normal (heh :)), and I've been on and off these particular drugs enough times that I have a collection of leftovers going back to 2009. The nortriptyline will last me another 9 or 10 days — fingers crossed that it's enough.

(These things were less complicated when I paid full retail. But considering that Strattera is going for $300/mo :eek: these days, I suppose it's worth the inconvenience.)

Dra508
02-16-2015, 09:45 AM
When I see the trailers for the film "Still Alice," they make me cry. :-(
Great book. I have to keep reminding myself those differences. My mom is really forgetful these days, the real short term memory kind, but she hasn't walked out the front door in her night gown yet.

Great question about what epilepsy med. I don't know, but next time I see her daughter I'll ask.

I know this is a old article, but it just showed up in my FB news feed and I really like graphic novels. Having bipolar disorder explained to me this way was great, perhaps it will be to others.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/18/bipolar-disorder-ellen-forney_n_5823138.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000030

Cat Mom
02-16-2015, 12:15 PM
Great book. I have to keep reminding myself those differences. My mom is really forgetful these days, the real short term memory kind, but she hasn't walked out the front door in her night gown yet.
Exactly. At my late brother's memorial, when my stepmom was still in the fairly early stages of dementia (we didn't realize, at the time, that it gets WAYYYYYYY worse), I found her standing before a big table of food at my mom's house -- cold cuts, bread, etc. -- completely baffled. My stepmom had made me and my (late) little brother some of our favorite dinners for years, since our childhoods, but was totally confused by a build-your-own sandwich type buffet table. It might as well have been a car production line. I stepped in to help her, asking her "do you like ham?" etc. She couldn't remember. I finally just made her a small sandwich of things I remembered that she liked, since she could not remember which lunchmeat she liked but also couldn't remember how to build a sandwich. She was in her 50s. She did manage to eat that sandwich. This is way more than short-term memory fog.

My mom nearly threw out her keys for the 2nd time, yesterday. Luckily, somebody in the trash room spotted them and brought them back to her before they went down the shoot. I think, in her case, she daydreams way too much about "things to do" instead of concentrating on the task at hand.

Qualis_Dolor
02-18-2015, 10:30 AM
Depression, evolving over several years now (I'm having my 18th birthday soon), can't remember when I was really happy and serene the last time... I'm taking SSRI (fluvoxamine), which also take away a big part of my tensions I have from obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD; perfectionism and particularly face washing) and social anxiety disorder (SAD). OCD and SAD are/were not that highly developed and with the meds and various therapies, that's much better now. Same with inferiority complexes, which linger pretty deep inside my head, but kinda better now through therapy and positive experiences...
The downside of the meds: they probably took part why I started harming myself and have suicidal thoughts again (pretty much every day)... I reduced the dose, but... yeah, some of you probably know how hard it is to find the right thing... I also think this goes hand in hand with Bipolar disorder II, but that's not yet diagnosed.
I feel something else going on in my head... I just don't know. Maybe it's part of the whole thing and the isolation. >_<

So, my biggest problems right now: depression, suicidal thoughts, both enhanced by morbid lovesickness and isolation. Have to get into another setting.
Got a therapist and the SSRI...

Please correct grammatical and spelling errors, I want to learn.

Baphomette
02-18-2015, 05:56 PM
Depression, evolving over several years now (I'm having my 18th birthday soon), can't remember when I was really happy and serene the last time... I'm taking SSRI (fluvoxamine), which also take away a big part of my tensions I have from obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD; perfectionism and particularly face washing) and social anxiety disorder (SAD). OCD and SAD are/were not that highly developed and with the meds and various therapies, that's much better now. Same with inferiority complexes, which linger pretty deep inside my head, but kinda better now through therapy and positive experiences...
The downside of the meds: they probably took part why I started harming myself and have suicidal thoughts again (pretty much every day)... I reduced the dose, but... yeah, some of you probably know how hard it is to find the right thing... I also think this goes hand in hand with Bipolar disorder II, but that's not yet diagnosed.
I feel something else going on in my head... I just don't know. Maybe it's part of the whole thing and the isolation. >_<

So, my biggest problems right now: depression, suicidal thoughts, both enhanced by morbid lovesickness and isolation. Have to get into another setting.
Got a therapist and the SSRI...

Please correct grammatical and spelling errors, I want to learn.

How long have you been taking Luvox? Were you taking any meds previous to it? And what kind of therapy are you currently receiving? I'm quite alarmed that you've been prescribed an SSRI.

elevenism
02-19-2015, 06:39 AM
ANOTHER fucking close friend dead for me.

This one i had known since the second grade. He was only 34.

That's 3 in like 5 months. And the other two were YOUNGER!

Joy Prevention Hotline
02-19-2015, 11:06 PM
:(

This place needs a Hug button.

Dra508
02-20-2015, 01:59 PM
It's probably a sign that I'm going through something if I cried on my yoga mat today. :/

Joy Prevention Hotline
02-21-2015, 09:26 PM
I've been feeling a bit … "off" today. I hope I'm not coming down with a cold or the flu, because that would be bad timing on my part. Seems more likely that my stash of leftovers have lost some of their effectiveness, though up to now I haven't had any reason to believe that they would…

In any event, the Express Scripts order arrived today. :)

Baphomette
02-24-2015, 01:21 AM
Stopped taking my anti-depressant six days ago. First major swing happened this afternoon. Ugh.

Joy Prevention Hotline
02-24-2015, 08:08 PM
Turns out I was coming down with something. But here's the bizarre thing about me on Prozac: on the rare occasions I catch a cold, the more recognizable symptoms — stuffy head, runny nose, sneezing — are totally missing. Instead I get that "off" feeling and a couple days later it deepens into malaise. That's the only way I can tell I'm sick.

And then the next day, I start feeling better again. By the time I feel sick it's already on its way out. :confused:

But there may be other things going on here. Prozac makes me feel allergic to … something, 365 days a year. Or maybe it's just "allergy-like symptoms." I dunno, but I buy generic Claritin in 365-count bottles.

I used to have seasonal allergies in the spring and the fall, but those started to decline in my college years and pretty much disappeared in the late 90s or early 00s. Take me off SSRIs long enough and this allergy-ish-maybe-thing will also disappear.

Figure there's some connection there — either the Claritin is relieving cold symptoms (which I don't think is supposed to happen), or the Prozac is monkeying with my immune system to a freakish degree.

Baphomette
02-24-2015, 09:11 PM
Figure there's some connection there — either the Claritin is relieving cold symptoms (which I don't think is supposed to happen), or the Prozac is monkeying with my immune system to a freakish degree.Prozac can give you flu-like symptoms. It's one of those nasty side-effects doctors/bigpharma likes to downplay. You can find other users talking about it here (http://www.crazymeds.us/CrazyTalk/index.php/forum/72-prozac-fluoxetine/).

Joy Prevention Hotline
02-24-2015, 10:14 PM
Prozac can give you flu-like symptoms. It's one of those nasty side-effects doctors/bigpharma likes to downplay. You can find other users talking about it here (http://www.crazymeds.us/CrazyTalk/index.php/forum/72-prozac-fluoxetine/).
I keep thinking I should hang around the Crazymeds forums. Maybe my weird-ass collection of side effects would have some entertainment value if nothing else.

Digital Twilight
02-25-2015, 09:51 AM
Having a shitty week. Feel like a child that needs to be looked after.

Nuts to you world.

3:15
02-26-2015, 02:34 PM
I was just wondering how people first started getting some sort of treatment for depression? Is it as easy as just going to the Doctor? I'm scared of being told I'm overreacting or if I'm just acting like an idiot. Lately, I feel more and more like this is more than just sadness and I don't know if I should do anything about it.

Cat Mom
02-26-2015, 04:21 PM
I was just wondering how people first started getting some sort of treatment for depression? Is it as easy as just going to the Doctor? I'm scared of being told I'm overreacting or if I'm just acting like an idiot. Lately, I feel more and more like this is more than just sadness and I don't know if I should do anything about it.

I don't think any doctor will tell you that you're overreacting, etc. Depression is a pretty common thing in our society these days, so much that we have TONS of prescription drugs to deal with it and even your primary physician can prescribe those drugs or, at least, will refer you to somebody who can talk with you about how you're feeling. If a doctor tells you that you're overreacting or acting like an idiot, RUN ... and find another doctor.

Joy Prevention Hotline
03-06-2015, 09:48 PM
Without the drugs I'd never survive this winter — this would be seasonal depression overdrive.

Not that I'm sure I'll survive this with the drugs. Today I was moved to tell someone "you had me at 'spring'" with no irony at all.



Aaaaaand I'm still finding nortriptyline residue in my laptop.

somethingelse
03-17-2015, 07:34 AM
sigh

This weeks episode of "Better Call Saul" has hit a nerve of some kind. I have these feelings.

sprixxle
03-17-2015, 08:35 AM
You absolutely should. I did the same thing with anxiety issues 4 years ago and the treatment has improved the quality of my life 100%. :)

Oh, and I would recommend to a doctor who specializes in such things (psychiatrist) who is able to prescribe appropriate meds, etc. If you are looking more for talk-therapy then a licensed PhD would be the way to go.




I was just wondering how people first started getting some sort of treatment for depression? Is it as easy as just going to the Doctor? I'm scared of being told I'm overreacting or if I'm just acting like an idiot. Lately, I feel more and more like this is more than just sadness and I don't know if I should do anything about it.

aggroculture
03-31-2015, 11:53 AM
I feel completely cut off from everybody in my life.

kel
03-31-2015, 10:46 PM
I feel completely cut off from everybody in my life.
i'm sorry, aggro. the worst part about my mental illness (bipolar type 2, severe anxiety) is the systematic isolation. it took about four years -- most of my friends tried until they just couldn't anymore. my phone rarely makes a sound aside from my husband and mom these days.

i don't know if you're going through something similar, but i can say that i've felt the same way.

somethingelse
04-05-2015, 12:05 PM
I've settled on a plan to get me out. You know I've tried to listen to every piece of advice that I've come across, with desperation, but it doesn't seem to work. So the only choice I have is, escape....and as much as that hurts....and it does, oh trust me it hurts so much...hahahahaaaaa....this sounds desperate.
That's cool. Of course it would. But meeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck it

Leviathant
04-05-2015, 09:20 PM
I've settled on a plan to get me out. You know I've tried to listen to every piece of advice that I've come across, with desperation, but it doesn't seem to work. So the only choice I have is, escape....and as much as that hurts....and it does, oh trust me it hurts so much...hahahahaaaaa....this sounds desperate.
That's cool. Of course it would. But meeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck it

Hey dude. What's going on?

halloween
04-05-2015, 09:51 PM
I've settled on a plan to get me out. You know I've tried to listen to every piece of advice that I've come across, with desperation, but it doesn't seem to work. So the only choice I have is, escape....and as much as that hurts....and it does, oh trust me it hurts so much...hahahahaaaaa....this sounds desperate.
That's cool. Of course it would. But meeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck it

Talk this one out with us please?

Camille
04-09-2015, 06:49 PM
I have never been better in a long time. I am one year into a relationship with a beautiful woman, and I just recently got a full time job as a healthcare assistant in a cancer hospice.
I still need to take my various medication every day, and I still visit my psychiatric consultant once a month but all is good right now.
I stopped smoking cannabis a year ago and managed to find a very nice flat in an area of town that I want to live in.
Things are good for me...and it can be for you too!

I'm still watching you guys. Stay strong people!

Lunatica
04-19-2015, 06:07 PM
So yeah, I don't know if anybody remembers me around here these days but, I've been trying to act normal these past 5 years and I've failed miserably. I'm bored and acting weird again. I'm sorry in advance for the bag of crazy I'm about to unleash on you guys.

I've been writing John Wick fan fiction and I think I'm pregnant but I'm not really. Yeah, that's weird. Shoot me your e-mail if you guys want to read it. k.

xoxoxoxox
-Angie

Sarah K
04-19-2015, 06:20 PM
I think I remember allegro talking about you...

Swykk
04-19-2015, 06:45 PM
Leviathant as well.

Lunatica
04-19-2015, 06:55 PM
Awwwwwwwwww

Swykk
04-19-2015, 07:05 PM
I hope you get the help you need. For real. I struggle with my own issues so I am not making fun of you or judging. It's rough. All this time and technology and nobody can really ever figure out the brain.

Lunatica
04-19-2015, 07:59 PM
Real Talk:

I'm really just trying to be myself these days. I have been really lost and depressed these past 5 years and I think now I'm coming back around and I really do feel like myself again. So yeah, in a weird way, I am happy. My situation in life is bad, as it always has been but, I do feel good.

Even if the people around me struggle to understand who I am as a person, I'm done trying to explain that I'm just not interested in socializing. I really hate it. It can be fun sure, but maintaining that social life and the people and relationships is hard. I have a INFJ type personality which is apparently the rearrest (whatever that means) which honestly makes complete sense to me.

I started writing and musing again, I hadn't done that in a long while... so really, I think it's just about accepting yourself and who you are and what gives you that peace and happiness. Just, try not to fight yourself to comply with other people. Even if in the end you feel alone, you're not really.

Cat Mom
04-19-2015, 10:55 PM
So yeah, I don't know if anybody remembers me around here these days but, I've been trying to act normal these past 5 years and I've failed miserably. I'm bored and acting weird again. I'm sorry in advance for the bag of crazy I'm about to unleash on you guys.

I've been writing John Wick fan fiction and I think I'm pregnant but I'm not really. Yeah, that's weird. Shoot me your e-mail if you guys want to read it. k.

xoxoxoxox
-Angie

OH MY GOD I've MISSED YOU *sob* xoxoxoxoxo hug

This board is NOT the same without you.

halloween
04-20-2015, 03:23 AM
The hardest part I had with accepting myself was accepting what happened in the past and realizing I can't change any of it so I better make the best of what it churned out.

P.S. It's great to read you here again Lunatica!!!

Leviathant
04-20-2015, 10:23 AM
So yeah, I don't know if anybody remembers me around here these days but...

WOOHOO! Welcome back!

slave2thewage
04-20-2015, 12:25 PM
Good to see you again, Luna! :)

I've been doing a lot of soul searching and I've realised that my depression has been back for about eight months and I just pushed it aside. I also think there may be some undiagnosed anxiety disorder going on - I hate dealing with people I don't know as of late and I've started having panic attacks in the last few months. A trip to the doctor soon may be on the cards...

Lunatica
04-20-2015, 01:48 PM
Honestly, I really hate the physical aspect of depression the most. I can understand why I'm depressed about something, but my body doesn't and that really, really sucks. I hate the medication. I have a shitty uterus so it's most likely hormonal. I know these things but I can't really do much about it except ride out the wave and hope I have the energy to clean my room tomorrow. You know? It really sucks.

aggroculture
04-21-2015, 09:01 PM
It's funny: after a period of serenity, of feeling OK, I can feel my mind fighting to find ways to bring me down again.
There's like this part of me that won't let me stay happy: it says OK, it's misery time again, and here we go.
I don't get it. I can see it happening and I don't understand why it has to be this way.
I need to stay happy and avoid anxiety...not just because I want to, but also for my health: I need to recover and get to full health, I can't afford to be dragged down again right now.

Baphomette
04-22-2015, 05:02 AM
OH MY GOD I've MISSED YOU *sob* xoxoxoxoxo hug

This board is NOT the same without you. I echo that sentiment!!! COMO ME PODISTES DEJAR SOLA CON ESTOS GRINGOS?? xoxoxoxo

kleiner
04-30-2015, 08:38 PM
I used to self-harm a lot when I was younger, last time was around 4 years ago. I never really understood why or what would give me the urge to do it, but it would just happen. I get the different reasons why people do and suggestions as to why and on an intellectual level they make sense to me but emotionally it seems really abstract. I'm really ashamed to admit this and embarrassed and disappointed with myself but I know everyone here is very caring and great and no one's ever been remotely awful towards me and I could use some advice so I'll just say it, which is that I found myself doing it again for the first time in years a few days ago. I don't even know why. It didn't even feel like I was having that rough of a day. I've been much more depressed in the past week and even days since than I was then. It just seemed like it happened. I don't want to do it, I understand full well how not healthy it is and how it helps nothing, but I just want to know if anyone here can offer some suggestions as to what to do to avoid doing it entirely.

Related I guess which is I've started drinking for the first time in my life in recent weeks. My family on both sides has a long-standing history of alcoholism and addiction and I know I have that trait in me; everything I like in life I always get as much of as I can. If something feels good to me I seem to want to get as much of that feeling as possible. I apparently really, really love being intoxicated. A few nights after my ex broke up with me before she had moved out I ended up at a party for the first time (I've certainly never been all too socially popular or friends with the kinds of people typically going to them) and got drank a lot, very quickly, and it was like all of my problems didn't exist or didn't matter and everything seemed in perspective. I understood that it was a temporary effect and not really how I feel at all, but in the moment it was the best feeling of relief from myself. All my anxiety washed away. I was suddenly so out-going, so happy to be around people. A few nights later I got invited out again (who knew going out would lead to being invited to things more often?) and found out my real love was whiskey, where I downed about a third of a bottle rapidly and stupidly. I spent the rest of the night alternating between total serenity and physical pain. The awful thing is despite being well aware of how not okay this is and how bad it is for me, how it's all temporary and will just create long term issues, I want to do it more. I can totally feel that gene in my system kicking in or at least ready to. How do I manage being able to drink without it becoming an issue? How do I find that balance between what's too much or not enough? I could really just use advice into how not to end up addicted to things.

It's simply seems like everything that helps me feel better in the short term makes things worse in the long term.

Lunatica
04-30-2015, 08:56 PM
Do you cut when you drink? Or do you do it sober?

The only time I ever did it I was on Paxil and apparently depression and suicidal tendencies was one of its side effects which is bizarre. I stopped taking that shit needless to say...

But therapy does help, you just have to take it seriously. Don't close yourself off because you think you know everything, you might know everything there is to know about alcoholism and addiction but until you get therapy and really understand what it does to you on a very personal level you're not going to get any better. Don't let it get any worse that it starts affecting the people around you, take care of your shit.

Jinsai
05-09-2015, 04:11 PM
I went to see the doctor last week (tuesday) with the primary goal of getting myself on some pills that could help with depression. It's just kind of getting out of hand. He says that we should start up on some medication, but he doesn't want to quickly just prescribe something too hastily... so I'm going in again next tuesday.

This just sucks, and I really hope I get the scrip for something that works on tuesday... because even then, it's probably going to take a week or something before I get any results.

ZRFTS
05-09-2015, 07:08 PM
Hey. I'm one of the few who have high-functioning autism... Or Asperger's Syndrome. I don't know the differences. Anyways, I have trouble letting go, making rational decisions and well; kind of have a problem expressing things. I don't know if there's a cure for genetics but one of the benefits of living in this era is that they get to extend your life so that you live forever enough so that there's a cure to get rid of the troublesome parts of Autism.

At least, that's what I'm afraid of.

Not asking for special treatment, just treat me like you usually would a normal person.

Cat Mom
05-09-2015, 10:19 PM
I went to see the doctor last week (tuesday) with the primary goal of getting myself on some pills that could help with depression. It's just kind of getting out of hand. He says that we should start up on some medication, but he doesn't want to quickly just prescribe something too hastily... so I'm going in again next tuesday.

This just sucks, and I really hope I get the scrip for something that works on tuesday... because even then, it's probably going to take a week or something before I get any results.

I have read that it takes an average of two to three weeks for depression meds to really make a huge difference. Is this doc doing talk therapy, too?

I'm really glad you're getting some help.

Jinsai
05-10-2015, 12:58 AM
I have read that it takes an average of two to three weeks for depression meds to really make a huge difference. Is this doc doing talk therapy, too?

I don't remember how long it took the last time I tried some meds... but I remember noticing a difference a little over a week in. It took about a month to feel like it was really settled in... then at one point it just seemed to stop working.

I'm having general talking sessions as well. He has some really good perspectives and deep insight into things, without being over the top or invasive.



I'm really glad you're getting some help.

Thanks. I hope it works.

Baphomette
05-10-2015, 03:40 AM
I went to see the doctor last week (tuesday) with the primary goal of getting myself on some pills that could help with depression. It's just kind of getting out of hand. He says that we should start up on some medication, but he doesn't want to quickly just prescribe something too hastily... so I'm going in again next tuesday.

This just sucks, and I really hope I get the scrip for something that works on tuesday... because even then, it's probably going to take a week or something before I get any results.

I'm glad you're getting help, Jinsai, and it sounds like you've got a really good doctor since he didn't immediately put you on a med. Most psychiatrists also don't spend time talking to their patients, so that's a VERY good sign that's he's taking the time to do it. Psychiatrists who prescribe without observing are dangerous.

A lot of the older SSRIs take about a month to start working. Wellbutrin kicks in sooner (I'm definitely not a fan of that particular med altho' I know it's helped others in here) as does Neurontin. It really varies.

Hang in there, friend.

Jinsai
05-10-2015, 04:05 AM
A lot of the older SSRIs take about a month to start working. Wellbutrin kicks in sooner (I'm definitely not a fan of that particular med altho' I know it's helped others in here) as does Neurontin. It really varies.

I tried Welbutrin a while back... it didn't really do anything for me.

elevenism
05-10-2015, 11:02 AM
@Jinsai (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=272) , what antidepressants have you tried before?
i've been on a LOT of them.

everyone's brain chemistry is a little different.

i have had the most luck with celexa/lexapro. (ive tried prozac, zoloft, paxil, wellbutrin.)


my wife SWEARS by effexor, and she's a different person when she isn;t on it

Baphomette
05-10-2015, 07:03 PM
I tried Welbutrin a while back... it didn't really do anything for me.Make sure you tell that to your doctor.

Prozac/Celexa/Lexapro/Paxil/Zoloft are all in the same family - SSRIs. Prozac takes the longest to start working (about a month). If your doctor feels you're suffering from regular depression rather than major depression disorder and prefers to work within that family of SSRIs, he'll most likely put you on Celexa. Otherwise, he'll prescribe one of the others. The SSRIs have a lot of side effects so make sure to ask him about them; it may be worth it to put up with them in order to feel better. (The sexual side effects can completely wipe out your libido and/or make it impossible for you to get hard so MAKE SURE you get a very detailed lowdown on any med that causes "sexual dysfunction" [as they like to call it].) The same goes for SNRIs or any other type of AD.

Obviously, everyone is going to have different reactions to drugs but I would STRONGLY recommend you stay the fuck away from Effexor and Paxil. They both have the worst withdrawal symptoms and the longest withdrawal periods of any AD. THEY ARE NOT GOOD DRUGS. (I don't care what elevenism says. :p ) Paxil, in particular, has had the most number of lawsuits and GlaxoSmithKline has had to pay out millions in almost all of them.

Again, good luck and keep us posted.

Cat Mom
05-10-2015, 11:29 PM
Obviously, everyone is going to have different reactions to drugs but I would STRONGLY recommend you stay the fuck away from Effexor and Paxil. They both have the worst withdrawal symptoms and the longest withdrawal periods of any AD. THEY ARE NOT GOOD DRUGS. (I don't care what elevenism says. :p ) Paxil, in particular, has had the most number of lawsuits and GlaxoSmithKline has had to pay out millions in almost all of them. .

I actually fired my former primary care physician for insisting that Effexor would "change my life" because he kept insisting that my migraines were due to "Chronic Anxiety" when I actually just had a lot of stress caused by other people. I got a neurologist, and found out the estrogen pill I was on was skyrocketing my migraines and hormone levels especially since I'm perimenopausal and my hormonal levels are like a roller coaster, a big migraine trigger. I read the withdrawal symptoms of Effexor (and the symptoms of Chronic Anxiety, which I definitely DON'T have) and found another primary doctor, stat. Plus, the side effects of Effexor included more headaches. Wtf. You really have to do your homework with this shit. So now the neurologist has me on Topamax and no estrogen and definitely no unnecessary Effexor.

Jinsai
05-11-2015, 12:50 AM
I've heard some horror stories from people about Effexor. I'm not planning on trying that one out.

elevenism
05-11-2015, 09:47 PM
oh yeah yeah Miss Baphomette , Jinsai , allegro .... i'm not saying the Effexor is GOOD. i should have put a disclaimer on that shit.
remember when me and my wife came REALLY close to not being ....ummm....even friends? before we got married?
THAT shit was ostensibly due to her effexor withdrawal.

it does work for some people, and in an amazing way, but god forbid she run out of it.

My sister in law's dad nearly killed himself from the withdrawals and so did my homeboy alex.

sorry. i should have mentioned that.

marodi
05-11-2015, 10:17 PM
it does work for some people, and in an amazing way, but god forbid she run out of it.


I've been taking Effexor for over a decade now and it works wonderfully for me.

However I must agree about the withdrawal. I've never had a full withdrawal effect from it but I can testify that even missing one dose is enough to make me really sick and I mean physically sick: cold sweats, vomiting and most of all the brain zaps. Brain zaps are AWFUL.

When I had bariatric surgery in 2011, I told the doctors that on the day on the surgery, they could cut all of my meds if they wanted to but NOT the Effexor. They never argued.

elevenism
05-11-2015, 11:24 PM
marodi my wifey had the "brain zaps" and electric teeth and such :/

Cat Mom
05-11-2015, 11:51 PM
Now I'm even more pissed that my former doctor prescribed that shit. I filled the Rx and everything! G and I thought, wait, this makes zero sense. Thank God I didn't listen. This same doc gave me a Xanax Rx before that! He's like The Candy Man. All I really needed was a specialist, some melatonin and meditation. And to take control of my stress and draw boundaries.

I realize that people really do need these drugs, but be careful about docs just doling this shit out when they're not qualified.

Baphomette
05-12-2015, 02:07 AM
Oh JFC - the brain zaps. I can't think of a more vile, unnerving sensation. For those of you who've never experienced them, imagine feeling your brain shiver any time you turn your head. It's making my skin crawl just writing about them.

When I started going to my current clinic, I connected immediately with a particular attending doctor and began requesting him every visit (something I later found out most patients don't do). So, although residents rotate out every eight months, my attending remains the same and I trust his judgement (in regards to my treatment) implicitly. When I had a SERIOUS clash of opinion with my most recent resident, my attending stood by my decision to "fire" the shitbag even though it caused some tension with the director of the clinic. The man is the most ethical, compassionate doctor I've ever met and I honestly don't know where I'd be if I hadn't met him.


I realize that people really do need these drugs, but be careful about docs just doling this shit out when they're not qualified.

The thought of the shitbag resident practicing medicine is FRIGHTENING. He shouldn't be working in the mental health field as he has the potential to cause serious harm to people who don't advocate for themselves. It really sucks that there seems to be more doctors like him than good ones. So, damn straight, allegro - BE CAREFUL when it comes to psych meds and do not hesitate to ask questions, disagree or get a second opinion.

Cat Mom
05-12-2015, 09:31 AM
The thought of the shitbag resident practicing medicine is FRIGHTENING. He shouldn't be working in the mental health field as he has the potential to cause serious harm to people who don't advocate for themselves. It really sucks that there seems to be more doctors like him than good ones. So, damn straight, allegro - BE CAREFUL when it comes to psych meds and do not hesitate to ask questions, disagree or get a second opinion.

Or, worse yet, my doctor was an INTERNIST, not in the mental health field at all. I went in for a sore throat from allergies and he starts "discussing things" and asking questions and then I'm walking out with an Effexor Rx when I had allergies and migraines. He tried convincing me that "stress" is the same as "anxiety." It's not. People go through periods of a lot of stress; caring for aging parents, job changes, all kinds of things, and sometimes they all happen at once and, yeah, sometimes that CAN affect things like allergies and migraines ... BUT NOT IF YOU ARE ME AND HAVE JUGGLED THIS STRESS YOUR WHOLE LIFE, and the better response is stress management, boundaries, assistance from spouse, a spa day, exercise, meditation, not an incorrect shit diagnosis and a drug that I'll never get off of without horrible symptoms that I didn't need. And it scares me how many more people out there take this shit via Internists when they don't need it.

When I ended up at my neurologist's office - he is AWESOME, is affiliated with the Mayo Clinic, and is a Godsend to me - he asked who I'd been seeing for migraines before that: Internists, the last one of whom (after Dr Effexor) agreed that I should seek a neurologist because he didn't even think my headaches were migraines* and he was giving me mild and useless muscle relaxers for tension headaches because my migraines always start in my neck and move into my eye. My neurologist said that's how it usually is: patients finally end up at a neurologist's office after exhausting all other efforts. Ugh. And the tests he administered indicated I absolutely have migraines without auras and he is treating them with drugs that are actually working and he keeps me off any drugs that could spike my migraines.

* Never mind that my maternal grandmother and grandfather had migraines, my mother had migraines since she was SIX, my late uncle (mom's brother) had migraines, my late little brother had CLUSTER HEADACHES (people have been known to commit suicide while experiencing cluster headaches), and heredity is a HUGE factor with migraines, and all of my symptoms pointed to migraines except I was no longer vomiting while having headaches (that stopped while in my 30s).

elevenism
05-12-2015, 01:07 PM
@allegro (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=76) , @marodi (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=125) , @Miss Baphomette (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=11) ,i think that it's a good thing that this topic came up here.

you DO have to be very careful.

i was once prescribed an anti psychotic that had like a 2 or 3% chance of giving me "rabbit syndrome," according to my research. i didn't take that shit! i also steer clear of these meds that have a risk of dyskinesia .

Now suboxone is an extreme example, because it's not just just due to ineptitude. They way that it used to go down in dallas was actually SINISTER. I don't know if they do this still but lemme tell y'all this story.

For those who don't know, suboxone is kind of like methadone. it is an INSANELY powerful opioid used mostly in replacement therapy for things like heroin. It's very addictive and has TERRIBLE withdrawals...like heroin, but slower. :(

I was going through a really bad stretch with alcoholism and was at the county detox in dallas for my fourth time in one year. the doctor there knew that i SOMETIMES took vicodin, maybe like once a month. she kept insisting that i needed to try suboxone. i resisted, but on the 4th visit, i finally said fuck it.

They prescribed me 16mg. From what i know now, FOUR mg is enough to hold down just about any junkie. They also DID NOT explain to me that i was getting on an insanely addictive drug.

i started taking the drug and i thought they must have made a mistake! i was SOOOOOOOO high. i felt SOOOOOOO good. i was nodding out and shit. keep in mind, i was in fucking REHAB.

i was ready to go home after about 3 weeks, and the doctor took me aside and gave me a pitch. a sales pitch. i swear to god.
she said "you're body has been getting used to this medicine for 3 weeks. now you can either go home and go through withdrawals and feel really bad, or come see me and keep getting it for $100 a month. And other places are charging 3 or 4 hundred! Surely you can see what a great value this is!"

So i opted to stay on the drug. 100 a month for the office visit and FOURTEEN dollars A DAY for the meds.

and all along, the doctor kept talking about the pills like they were harmless.
i will admit, it was a wonder drug for me. i actually quit drinking and doing drugs and had the best, most productive 2 years of my life.

the shock came when i tried to get off of it. it was the worst i've ever felt in my life.
and also, keep in mind that the drug was not approved to treat alcoholism.
the withdrawals on this shit...emotionally, you wanna kill yourself. you vomit and shit and shake and sweat and it goes on for a freaking MONTH or two.

after more research, i found out that only drs who take special "training" can prescribe this drug. and part of their "training" is to NEVER allow the drug to be filled with a generic. Using this method, they keep their patent and keep charging people ridiculous prices.

So the bottom line is that the COUNTY REHAB in dallas was getting people addicted to an opiate that's like 70 or 80 times stronger than morphine, severely over-prescribing it, and getting people on it who don't need it. half the people there were on it. it was like the freaking goal or something.
That place is homeward bound in dallas. there is another place in dallas called solace that does pretty much the same shit, and they JUST serve suboxone. it's an "outpatient detox." you go up there and they give it to you every day for two weeks, then a 1 month prescription followed by a sales pitch. and they give you NO instructions to taper.

Who knows what kind of kickbacks go where? I'm SURE the doc and the clinic MUST get money from the pharma company. why else would they be so hellbent on getting people on it?
i would imagine that the corruption on this drug goes all the way to the top of the company and all the way back to its inception.

Cat Mom
05-12-2015, 01:16 PM
Who knows what kind of kickbacks go where? I'm SURE the doc and the clinic MUST get money from the pharma company. why else would they be so hellbent on getting people on it? i would imagine that the corruption on this drug goes all the way to the top of the company and all the way back to its inception.

Oh, I am CONVINCED there are kickbacks, absolutely, gotta be. I've had plenty of those "sales pitches" in my lifetime, I know exactly what you mean. And they give me shit when I say "no thanks" like I'm some kind of Hippy going for the "herbals." Dr. Effexor accused me of that, "Oh, you want the HERBALS." Yeah, why not go for Integrative Medicine and natural healing methods instead of all that chemical shit if it works? Our ancestors never had all these fucking chemical problems. There is ancient Chinese medicine that still works. There are so many chemicals and crap in our food and environment, is it any wonder? (Note that you obviously have to be careful with herbals, too; some are not very safe.)

I fully understand the benefit of drugs in certain circumstances (I'm on Topamax and Sumatriptan), but this country is overdrugged; statins, diabetes meds, all kinds of shit, when a healthy diet and cutting out the SHIT we eat would be a better idea. We know a surgical RN who worked for Pfiser doing sales pitches for Viagra on the side and had a TRUNKLOAD of free Viagra samples and he was the most popular guy in town (lots of his friends who didn't NEED Viagra liked to do it to be porn stars) for a long time. So the docs must have been getting kickbacks for prescribing it? Who knows.

One of my mom's docs told us that a lot of drug companies change the formula of the drug just before the drug's patent is up, so that the drug will never ever become generic. Inhalers are notorious for this; they're REALLY expensive, and there are no generics. My mom's doc actually suggested that she get it from Mexico to save money.

DigitalChaos
05-12-2015, 01:28 PM
allegro - your story reminds me a lot of what happened with my wife a year or so back. She suddenly started having episodes where her blood pressure would skyrocket to insane levels. We are talking close to doubling the pressure at time. Lots of visits to the ER and various specialists. They were shotgunning all kinds of meds at her. Eventually they resorted to prozac. wtf? The Dr explained it as being a potentially anxiety induced problem, which pissed us off, cause it obviously wasn't. But it seems prozac (and similar) have influence outside of purely mental/emotional systems. The wonders of psych medicine where we don't really understand how it all works...

Anyway, she was on it for a few months before tapering off. The problem went away during the prozac use, but there is no way to know if the prozac actually fixed the issue and the root cause is still unknown.

DigitalChaos
05-12-2015, 01:37 PM
didn't realize it until after I posted, but itunes shuffle decided to play this while I was posting in this thread
everyone in this thread may enjoy it. The wonders of a psychology & sociology double major who decided to rap instead...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XJXySZ2aiM

Cat Mom
05-12-2015, 01:57 PM
DigitalChaos, they always seem to be LAZY and point to the low-hanging-fruit anxiety answer. But my OB/GYN at least did blood tests and found out some things going on that were spiking my migraines, something Dr. Effexor or his replacement never did. Same with blood pressure spikes, which a quick Google search told me can be caused by thyroid imbalances, etc. My mom started hypertension meds just after giving birth to my little brother when she was in her mid-20s; she was slim and in great health but it was all heriditary. She's been on the drugs ever since. G's blood pressure was spiking for a while and the Flight Surgeon told him to cut out his pretzel addiction, too much sodium. His bp went way down.

But even if your wife's bp spikes were due to increased STRESS, treating it with Prozac is "off label."

DigitalChaos
05-12-2015, 02:29 PM
^the lazy and poorly educated (or just behind the times) ones really piss me off. I can usually spot them after simply chatting with them for a bit and drilling into their approach with some questions. There is definitely a huge pressure from most patients to get a pill. The lazy ones tend to fall into that trap and just hand shit out because it is easier than fighting most patients. You also have the overworked ones or the ones with a schedule too tightly packed. They end up having to rush through each patient and are unable to properly dive into the appropriate level of care someone needs. (this is continuing to get worse)

We were definitely into off label territory there.


Now I need to figure out my own bullshit that started back then. Pretending it doesn't exist has had... marginal, at best, results so far. But fuck dealing with the pros who don't really understand what they are doing to begin with.

kleiner
05-26-2015, 06:35 PM
My self harm's gotten a lot worse since I first mentioned it here. I cut in seven different places today. I don't really want to stop but I know I should and don't know how to make myself want to. I don't really care a whole lot about myself and don't really know how to. I don't think I've ever quite hit this point. I don't really know what to do. I don't really care. I don't want to do really anything. I resent people for caring about me because they're why I can't just kill myself and give up, like they're forcing me to feel this way even though I know that's not it. Everyone I know loves telling me how young I am and how much more there is for me and while it's supposed to sound like a promise it just feels like a threat or a prison sentence. I don't really get why I'm posting here because I know the usual routine is just everyone saying "see a psychiatrist and get meds" but I guess I feel like hearing it again because here I am. I really don't know who to talk to about anything. It doesn't really help doing it. None of my very few friends offer any remotely useful advice. I don't really get much out of talking anymore. I don't really get much out of anything. People act like the cure for loneliness and depression is other people but it's not when I'm by myself that I'm at my worst, it's when I'm in the backseats of cars with people sitting right beside me and in front of me and in rooms full of people or talking to a friend that I really feel the loneliest because I just feel so fucking detached from everyone. I feel constantly separate. I don't really like anyone around me anymore. I find it hard to care or stay interested at all. I find it hard to want to. I don't really have the desire for improvement anymore. I used to. I always did. I don't know what happened.

Swykk
05-26-2015, 07:55 PM
I understand those feelings @kleiner352 (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=4417). I've been trying to beat this without meds because I already take so many medications due to old health problems. And plus, lest we forget, those goddamn side effects all of these antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds seem to have!
I'm seeing a therapist who is trying to teach me about meditation but we never get to do that much since I always have so many things to talk about. I'm doing yoga and elliptical for exercise. I even had a girlfriend for a couple months there. Despite those positives (even though I do not have said girlfriend anymore), I feel very far away from everyone else. I don't remember how to meet new people or talk to them. I hate being alone because that's when my anxiety and depression like to really fuck me up.
The good things I get to do are fleeting. They're gone fast.
And as for the causes? I know what made me feel like this but knowing doesn't really help me. I know that's not comforting. I don't know if this is better or worse than you not knowing what made you like this.

elevenism
05-26-2015, 10:33 PM
Goddamnit.
You fuckers.
Nobody is killing themselves. kleiner352 hit me up on facebook please, so we can chat. Swykk , you too if you like. https://www.facebook.com/Crosscontamination1111

just so you know, i've been "gonna kill myself" plenty of times. i'm not looking to judge you. kleiner, i used to cut. i started stretching my ears instead. lobes, inner conches, also septum. you get that pain AND you accomplish something, AND it looks cool!

i've got really bad ass scars from slitting my wrists. i tried to jump in front of a commuter train. i ate a whole bottle of beta blockers.

sometimes it helps to shoot the shit with someone who has been there a whole lot.

i have A LOT of extra time on my hands.

my depression got better when my wife almost died. that's what it took for me (in the recent anyway)

Anyway... what i came here to say was that i had a really fucked up manic phase that scared the HELL out of me.
i stayed awake for 90 hours :/
it was when i was all freaked out about my wife's hep c.

halloween
05-27-2015, 03:56 AM
I can't say I'm in the same place as you are, but I was in a pretty terrible self-mutilation, suicidal headspace in my teenage years. Not sure this could help you but it's been what helps me recently, when I'm haunted by feelings of exhaustion and depression: You need to let your future self have a chance. You might not care a whole lot about yourself now, but think about 10 years down the line, there may be an awesome person that will come out from this mess but you should let that person have a chance. It's hard to think of yourself as ever being anything different or ever feeling anything different but as hard and painful as it is right now, just live it and let yourself go through time, inevitably everyone grows and one day I hope you will find a sliver of joy in something and ultimately in yourself. It will be fleeting but if you understand that and accept it's fleeting nature perhaps you won't despair as much when it goes away. You may have no hope now but try to really hang on there and maybe you'll discover hope in the future. I've managed to get to a point where my suicidal thoughts are the fleeting moments now. I don't take any medication except for my thyroid. I meditate though and do moderate exercise. There are different methods of meditating and you need to be careful as it can cause more pain in the beginning than good if you ever decide to try it out. I remember having panic attacks after trying to meditate for a while. I do think seeing a therapist is extremely useful but it is hard to find a good therapist- I went through quite a few and there were only two that I can say really helped me out. Therapists are people and you can't always connect with just anyone, especially in such an intimate way. Each therapist comes in with their bias on what the solution may be depending on what school they went too, what experiences they've had, etc. I had a counselor in college that would grossly misinterpret what I'd say and I would patiently have to correct him, which was fine since it was just a college environment, counselor's helping students deal with stress mostly. But anyways.... I think I've said all I can here.

playwithfire
05-27-2015, 11:13 AM
Gaaah, I'm not in a good place.

Woke up yesterday with high anxiety, got stuck in an OCD adventure in the bathroom as frequently happens, was a little late to work, but fine, doing fine, yeah.

Chatting with boyfriend, we haven't seen each other much lately, and I accidentally freaked him out (this can be very easy to do sometimes and it isn't super fair, it's not really anyone's fault and it just sucks) but I'm still okay.

We're trying to make plans to see each other, he's not really offering good suggestions, I'm trying to pick something, but I need a place with more than one bathroom (because I take a while in the bathroom and people knocking on the door really gets to me) and then I'm really sad and overwhelmed and not fine. Go take forever in the bathroom and cry and things, go home from work a tad earlier than I would otherwise. Take a nap. So sad and overwhelmed and even the idea of going to the bathroom is way too much for me to handle. Slept a lot.

Woke up today still feeling pretty no-spoons and shitty, but I'm not breaking down, so that's good. Accidentally offend coworker after saying something very benign, apologize. Can't handle someone being unhappy with me. Can't handle lyfe. Can't be a human. Want to just post in an endless stream on social media bout how miserable I am but have already done that enough.

Have therapy today, have no idea if it'll help. Just sad. So much :( :( :(

elevenism
05-27-2015, 11:19 AM
kleiner352 where you at, man?

listen to what halloween said.
playwithfire , i hope things smooth out for you soon :/
but be proud that you ARENT breaking down! you ARE handling life.

aggroculture
05-27-2015, 12:43 PM
I can relate to bathroom issues: I hate going places that have bathrooms I can't use. If there's one stall or one bathroom, and people waiting, or the very possibility of people waiting: can't go. If there are two stalls and somebody in one of them: can't go. If there are three stalls, or a bathroom with an "occupied" sign on the outside so no-one will try to barge in: now we're getting somewhere. The bathroom situation can quickly become a nightmare because on top of being pee-shy (paruresis) I also have overactive bladder (OAB). I was at a conference last week, in a dorm: there was one tiny bathroom for hundreds of people, so I couldn't use it. I was searching the dorm for another one, but there wasn't, because the bathrooms were inside the rooms. I had to hold it in, but sometimes it gets painful and I get super-flustered. Being able to do my business in peace is not so easy outside of the house.

Don't even get me started on dried blood, and random unidentified substances everywhere, in and out of bathrooms.

kleiner
05-27-2015, 02:21 PM
Thanks to everyone for your support/advice. @elevenism (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=2475) friend request is sent man. I really appreciate it.

@Swykk (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=285) interestingly enough my depression and anxiety is extrapolated from social situations, I'm actually much more content whenever I'm alone yet around people have those feelings much harder. I think I get this general sense of pressure to be "always on" and more manic in a sense, so I get very stressed and anxious and ultimately disaffected from that. I'm typically known as the very funny, conversational, intelligent person who can make everyone laugh and lead conversation very well and yet I'm really very introverted so it's like I'm always living up to this standard that I find somewhat uncomfortable. In one on one scenarios I'm fine, and just able to feel much more casual and relaxed, but add one or two more people and I instantly get very uncomfortable. I find that being around people can make me just feel much more aware of how disconnected I tend to emotionally feel. Like I'm there physically and can talk and listen and engage but mentally and internally I'm someplace else. I just feel like I'm very far away when I'm right next to people, whereas if I'm at home by myself I'm totally fine.

Another part of my social anxiety, I think, stems from weight issues. I've lost a lot of weight in the past two months now and in general over the past year and have struggled with that most of my life. So when you're a fat person, especially when you're younger throughout school, you just get so used to a constant feeling of visual scrutiny and judgment, of people looking at you differently and thinking lesser of you. There's a lot of general negativity thrown at you for being overweight. Now that I'm much more healthy (I still have a way to go before I'm both at a target weight and comfortable with myself though) and I look better in general, that's not really there anymore, but I'm so used to it. I actually get hit on and get compliments a lot lately whenever I go out, yet I'm so used to the exact opposite that it's very difficult to let my guard down. I'm constantly over-analyzing looks and expressions, body language, phrases, etc. When people hit on me I have a hard time not thinking they're just being cruel and pretending. I have a hard time taking compliments as anything but consolatory. Having your body size and attractiveness improve dramatically is just very disorienting and I almost find it harder socially than when I was just really fat and the only attention I had was negative, because at least I didn't misread things.

I know that my very long-term girlfriend leaving and completely cutting me off was a big catalyst for a lot of this, but I was already having a lot of problems with my depression and anxiety in general beforehand. I definitely think it contributed to her inevitable exhaustion with being with me. It was more of a "straw that broke the camel's back" event than a single, sole cause for things if that makes sense. When we took something of a break last year I know I really broke down and initially when she left for good this year I felt that I would be better and handle it well. I think I was overconfident and it's resulted in me having a much harder time than I did last year. Last year, there was a real knowledge and sense that things would get better and we'd be together again, whereas now I know that's just not an option at all. For a lot of reasons. Even when we were separated for a bit she tried to be there for me emotionally as a friend and this time around, she's totally severed contact. It was that kind of a relationship where they're not just your partner but they're your best friend and so it's like I've lost both at once and can't receive comfort from either. I guess I had a sort of period of emotional shock the first couple of weeks after she moved out, and then it's just sort of been coming in waves ever since and I've been realizing just how impacted I am by this. There's a lot of pressure from people around me in my life to just be okay and get over it, and because we had a brief separation last year most of my friends just are tired and don't honestly care, they saw it coming more or less? There's just a lot less sympathy this time around. I'm much more alone in my personal life in handling things than I ever was last year.

marodi
05-27-2015, 05:26 PM
Another part of my social anxiety, I think, stems from weight issues. I've lost a lot of weight in the past two months now and in general over the past year and have struggled with that most of my life. So when you're a fat person, especially when you're younger throughout school, you just get so used to a constant feeling of visual scrutiny and judgment, of people looking at you differently and thinking lesser of you. There's a lot of general negativity thrown at you for being overweight. Now that I'm much more healthy (I still have a way to go before I'm both at a target weight and comfortable with myself though) and I look better in general, that's not really there anymore, but I'm so used to it. I actually get hit on and get compliments a lot lately whenever I go out, yet I'm so used to the exact opposite that it's very difficult to let my guard down. I'm constantly over-analyzing looks and expressions, body language, phrases, etc. When people hit on me I have a hard time not thinking they're just being cruel and pretending. I have a hard time taking compliments as anything but consolatory. Having your body size and attractiveness improve dramatically is just very disorienting and I almost find it harder socially than when I was just really fat and the only attention I had was negative, because at least I didn't misread things.

Hey you, what are you doing in my head?

Kidding; trying to make you smile.

But seriously: I understand exactly what you are telling. I don't know if you've happened upon one of the posts where I talked about this but here's the short version: in 2011 I've had bariatric surgery and since, I've lost over 150 pounds. I've been feeling what you wrote about ever since.

I don't know if you have figured out why we have those feelings yet but I have: the simple answer is that in our heads, we're still fat. While there is tons of support for the physical part of losing weight, there'S next to none about the mental impact it will have on us. I still have all of my "fat person" habits: I take larger than I need to go around things, I push down on the arms of a chair when I get up (to prevent it from getting stuck to my fat ass), I still look to buy clothes near the sizes I used to etc. And then, there's everything you wrote about.

So you are not alone in this (and in the other problems you mentioned and which I have too). You're my long lost twin brother!

Hang in there my friend; same for you @elevenism (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=2475) and @playwithfire (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=15), @halloween (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=95), @Swykk (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=285) and @aggroculture (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=318).

I don't know how exactly but we will make it.

Swykk
05-27-2015, 09:12 PM
I feel the body issues too. I was picked on for being both too small as a younger kid and then I hit puberty and found the other side of the hate spectrum. I've been heavy since. I did lose 30 pounds recently but have struggled with the remaining weight I want to lose. I must confess I think it'll matter very little though...I think the person I see in the mirror is not the person everyone else sees.

Joy Prevention Hotline
06-08-2015, 09:49 PM
I bought an exercise bike. In my mind it's not on topic for this thread, but I'm always hearing that exercise is good for your mental health, blah blah blah. (We'll see how that works out for me.)

It's still very early days and I'm lucky if I last more than 15 minutes, but I never would have got to this point without straightening my head out. So I guess mental health is good for exercise? :confused:

Ryan
06-08-2015, 10:59 PM
I bought an exercise bike. In my mind it's not on topic for this thread, but I'm always hearing that exercise is good for your mental health, blah blah blah. (We'll see how that works out for me.)

It's still very early days and I'm lucky if I last more than 15 minutes, but I never would have got to this point without straightening my head out. So I guess mental health is good for exercise? :confused:

Read Stationary Bike by Stephen King and you'll change your mind probably.

miss k bee
06-10-2015, 02:00 PM
Visiting my mum and sister in the Caribbean where my confidence levels always drop as people are so damn loud over here

Joy Prevention Hotline
06-10-2015, 07:10 PM
Read Stationary Bike by Stephen King and you'll change your mind probably.
Based on Wikipedia's plot summary, I don't think anyone in my arteries will lose their livelihood. I'll be happy to get some more energy and stamina from my exercise, nothing more.

If I ever hear myself say "working out," I will drown myself in a vat of chocolate ice cream. After I eat some first. :p

Baphomette
06-17-2015, 11:11 PM
In case you weren't aware, you should steer clear of grapefruit juice if you're taking certain meds (http://www.currentpsychiatry.com/the-publication/issue-single-view/grapefruit-juice-and-psychotropics-how-to-avoid-potential-interactions/7d5b55a51ccb73d46888b83800e08f96.html).

Jinsai
06-17-2015, 11:29 PM
In case you weren't aware, you should steer clear of grapefruit juice if you're taking certain meds (http://www.currentpsychiatry.com/the-publication/issue-single-view/grapefruit-juice-and-psychotropics-how-to-avoid-potential-interactions/7d5b55a51ccb73d46888b83800e08f96.html).

The meds I was trying also advised to avoid grapefruit juice... which is lame because I really like grapefruit juice. Oh well...
The biggest problem I've been having with these meds is the way they screw with my sleep cycle. I can't take them in the morning because then I need to take a nap at some point in the early afternoon... If I take them at night before bed, I wake up at 4 in the morning.

Not sure these are going to work.

Baphomette
06-17-2015, 11:38 PM
The meds I was trying also advised to avoid grapefruit juice... which is lame because I really like grapefruit juice. Oh well...
The biggest problem I've been having with these meds is the way they screw with my sleep cycle. I can't take them in the morning because then I need to take a nap at some point in the early afternoon... If I take them at night before bed, I wake up at 4 in the morning.

Not sure these are going to work.What if you take them in the afternoon? Which ones are you trying?

Joy Prevention Hotline
06-21-2015, 09:00 PM
Fortunately for me, I despise grapefruit juice. Between that and my indifference to caffeine and alcohol, I don't have to worry much about food interacting with my medication.

This week I think the exercise started to have some effect on how I feel. A bit lighter on my feet (even though my weight hasn't changed at all), standing a little taller, walking up stairs instead of pulling myself up the banisters, and my back seems less fragile.

I'm also sleeping better than I was for the first few weeks, which is a relief. I've avoided exercising on work nights because it was taking me so long to fall asleep, even by my usual standards. Still dreaming a lot, but waking up is easier now. Maybe this week I'll try a little bike time each night (and I do mean a little, because that's all it takes for my legs to give out on me after a day of work).


The meds I was trying also advised to avoid grapefruit juice... which is lame because I really like grapefruit juice. Oh well...
The biggest problem I've been having with these meds is the way they screw with my sleep cycle. I can't take them in the morning because then I need to take a nap at some point in the early afternoon... If I take them at night before bed, I wake up at 4 in the morning.

Not sure these are going to work.
Hmm, that sounds a little like me and SSRIs.

Dra508
06-22-2015, 06:17 PM
This week I think the exercise started to have some effect on how I feel. A bit lighter on my feet (even though my weight hasn't changed at all), standing a little taller, walking up stairs instead of pulling myself up the banisters, and my back seems less fragile..

I totally believe exercise promotes better sleep and saved me from major depression and anxiety. Keep at it man.

Joy Prevention Hotline
06-22-2015, 10:08 PM
So much for "a little." :rolleyes: I went 20 minutes — not exactly a personal record, mind you, but long enough to guarantee I'd spend the next half hour under a cold shower. (Mmm, cooooooooold.)

If it keeps me up till 3 am, I'm doomed.

I did have more energy than usual today, so maybe I'd better get used to working off the excess steam this way.

And I will now shut up for a few weeks so this doesn't turn into "JPH discovers exercise, world rolls its eyes."

:rolleyes:

Sarah K
07-13-2015, 11:29 AM
Fully convinced that if I don't get a new job and shit so that I can have insurance and visit the doctor, I will be dead inside of a year.

Holy fuck this is unbearable. I'm not like full on OH MY GOD I WANT TO KILL MYSELF. But there has definitely been persistent suicidal ideation for a month now, and it only gets worse. Outwardly, I don't think it's been too bad. I've tried to make myself get out and still do something at least once a weekend, but sometimes the thought of that is unbearable and it's simply impossible. On the weekend of the 4th, I was in bed from Thursday night until Monday morning with the exception of about 20 minutes of going to my roof to watch fireworks.

And it's not even some highly emotional thing. I just keep thinking maybe I've lived long enough. That's more or less been 50% of my thoughts for the last month... That I've maybe lived long enough.

Lunatica
07-13-2015, 07:08 PM
Fully convinced that if I don't get a new job and shit so that I can have insurance and visit the doctor, I will be dead inside of a year.

Holy fuck this is unbearable. I'm not like full on OH MY GOD I WANT TO KILL MYSELF. But there has definitely been persistent suicidal ideation for a month now, and it only gets worse. Outwardly, I don't think it's been too bad. I've tried to make myself get out and still do something at least once a weekend, but sometimes the thought of that is unbearable and it's simply impossible. On the weekend of the 4th, I was in bed from Thursday night until Monday morning with the exception of about 20 minutes of going to my roof to watch fireworks.

And it's not even some highly emotional thing. I just keep thinking maybe I've lived long enough. That's more or less been 50% of my thoughts for the last month... That I've maybe lived long enough.

Have you tried some type of diversion therapy?

Whenever your thoughts get locked in some negative thought or problem and you can't seem to "snap out of it" (which Depression doesn't really work that way anyways) you can practice a sport or any type of physical or creative activity.

You can also Google image pictures of anything you find cute. (My thing is Keanu Reeves and Channing Tatum's butt and otters holding hands)

The theory is using that obsessiveness and stress for something else other than nothing, really just, anything. It seems simple enough, but I know how hard it is to stop obsessing about a problem or a negative thought. I was like that last month and I thought about my suicide note just saying "I don't get it". While I still don't have a job or any type of closure with the ex I just decided to divert that energy into other things and I don't feel bad anymore. It's easier said than done but, it can be done. I too don't have the insurance for therapy or medication and it's hard to deal with it every day but honestly so far that's the only thing that has worked for me and the only valuable thing that I can say about that.

You should maybe read up more on diversion therapy too, my examples are just me being funny.

Baphomette
07-13-2015, 10:30 PM
Fully convinced that if I don't get a new job and shit so that I can have insurance and visit the doctor, I will be dead inside of a year.

Holy fuck this is unbearable. I'm not like full on OH MY GOD I WANT TO KILL MYSELF. But there has definitely been persistent suicidal ideation for a month now, and it only gets worse. Outwardly, I don't think it's been too bad. I've tried to make myself get out and still do something at least once a weekend, but sometimes the thought of that is unbearable and it's simply impossible. On the weekend of the 4th, I was in bed from Thursday night until Monday morning with the exception of about 20 minutes of going to my roof to watch fireworks.

And it's not even some highly emotional thing. I just keep thinking maybe I've lived long enough. That's more or less been 50% of my thoughts for the last month... That I've maybe lived long enough.Are you still taking Wellbutrin?

Sarah K
07-14-2015, 09:18 AM
I know about coping techniques, yeah... They're just hard to implement on yourself. Heh. Like basically all I want to do is stay in bed.

Not on the Wellbutrin for the last few months, which is what the main problem is.

InsecureSpike
07-14-2015, 10:10 AM
guys do any of you practice Mindfulness, I'm finding it helps to some extent! albeit I am on Lamotrigine & Mirtazapine, with the occasional Lorazapam sneaked in.
but honestly Mindfulness and a workout regime, I cycle 8km (just under 5miles) a day, can keep me stable for long periods!

edit: now I need a good torso and arm work out, without going to a gym or buying anything lol

Cat Mom
07-14-2015, 02:08 PM
I know about coping techniques, yeah... They're just hard to implement on yourself. Heh. Like basically all I want to do is stay in bed.
It's gotta be hard, too, when there is so much adversity where you are (NYC); harder to find work, harder to find affordable housing, so many fucking people; NYC can be the eater of souls. It's just harder to survive there, period. Could you consider going back home, at least as part of an overall "plan?" Maybe going back to school? Apply for some student aid, etc?

Sarah K
07-14-2015, 02:17 PM
It's gotta be hard, too, when there is so much adversity where you are (NYC); harder to find work, harder to find affordable housing, so many fucking people; NYC can be the eater of souls. It's just harder to survive there, period. Could you consider going back home, at least as part of an overall "plan?" Maybe going back to school? Apply for some student aid, etc?

I'd love nothing more than to be able to finish my degree.

I realize that my job isn't the source of EVERYTHING, but it is a significant stressor in my life, and a lot of the difficulty I'm facing is because of it. I'm not on the books here... I show no income, so I don't want to apply for student aid until I have a legit job. I'm not going to take grants and such. I would feel like too much of an asshole. Heh. Everyone else thinks this is what I should be doing. This is the same reason that I don't have medical coverage that I will actually use... I show no income, so I qualify for free everything. So when I go to the doctor, I just pay everything out of pocket to not use that. Going to therapy + psychiatrist + medication was costing me over half of my income each month. I did it for a while. But I never know when I will get paid with this job, so it's hard to budget.

Even if I get paid a few bucks less an hour, I think I would be much happier. I know the job isn't specifically causing these negative thoughts to consume me, but I feel like it sure as shit isn't helping, either. Wellbutrin was like a fucking miracle drug for me. I can't even express how normal and alive I felt while on it. It was like... Oh, this is what life is supposed to be like. These are emotions!

Cat Mom
07-14-2015, 02:51 PM
I'm not going to take grants and such. I would feel like too much of an asshole. Heh. Everyone else thinks this is what I should be doing. This is the same reason that I don't have medical coverage that I will actually use... I show no income, so I qualify for free everything. So when I go to the doctor, I just pay everything out of pocket to not use that. Going to therapy + psychiatrist + medication was costing me over half of my income each month. I did it for a while. But I never know when I will get paid with this job, so it's hard to budget.
Dude, why????? When I went back to school, I got THE MOST MONEY because I WAS MAKING NO MONEY (at least on the books). I showed that I was being supported by my boyfriend (G) and I had no job, and I got a lot of money that way. What's wrong with that??!?! I even could have gotten discount (or FREE) health insurance through the school. The school gave me grants, the state gave me grants, THAT'S WHY THEY ARE THERE. You are a female attempted to get your life together, that's why those programs are there! Why make your life more difficult, girl? Those aren't welfare programs, they're there for special reasons, and they're often sitting there UNUSED.

I really believe that a job can suck the life right out of you, it's done it to me so many fucking times I can't count. Hell, my boss is doing it to me right now, on and off. I don't mind my "job," itself, but he makes me totally fucking nuts most of the time. If you get yourself into school, you may be at least able to get on some kind of insurance that will get you back on your Wellbutrin? If you qualify for free programs, honey, you have to go for it. It's not lowering yourself, that's why they are there, you NEED that right now, to survive, make it a part of your TEMPORARY PLAN. You're really smart, make a plan! :)

Sarah K
07-14-2015, 07:17 PM
I struggle with it because I make money. Like, poverty level money, probably. Lol... but still. So while I would probably get some sort of assistance if my income was on the books, I wouldn't get near what I will get if I show zero, ya know. Plus wouldn't it be like fraud or something?

I'm nervous to get an out of pocket insurance plan because my pay is so inconsistent. Like having another expense when my income is shaky seems like it would be another stressor. But I did remember a thing that I showed someone a while back... That you can get Wellbutrin for $50/month from them directly with a prescription. So maybe I can make an appointment and have them submit the paperwork for that. At least get that taken care of. I think that would help a lot.

I almost bought a fistful of Adderall the other night.

Cat Mom
07-14-2015, 07:30 PM
I struggle with it because I make money. Like, poverty level money, probably. Lol... but still. So while I would probably get some sort of assistance if my income was on the books, I wouldn't get near what I will get if I show zero, ya know. Plus wouldn't it be like fraud or something?
The ones who are committing FRAUD are YOUR BOSSES. They're putting you in a bad situation with this cash shit, anyway. (Like, no social security on the books and you're eventually gonna NEED that.) So I wouldn't worry about THAT too much, THEY'RE the ones who should worry about that shit. They're the ones avoiding FICA, Social Security, all kinds of shit. You really need to find another job, obviously. In the meantime, make a plan? Any kind of assistance you can get, get it. In your case, it's seriously a case of life or death. And that's no bullshit.

playwithfire
07-17-2015, 05:48 PM
I was going to explain this (with a shitload of TMI) but I don't want medical advice so tl;dr, ruined my anniversary/fell apart/bailed on plans/lost $120 and feel pretty awful. OCD is hell.

Sarah K
07-18-2015, 10:44 PM
Pretty sure I just had/am having a panic attack for the first time in my life. So that's a fun new thing.

playwithfire
07-18-2015, 10:49 PM
Oh no! I'm so sorry. I get really bad anxiety sometimes and will get nauseous and out of it, but I've never had the panic attacks I've seen friends have. This seems to be good advice to deal with it (http://www.anxietycoach.com/overcoming-panic-attacks.html), but like, do whatever you think is best. I hate getting unwelcome advice and don't wanna be that guy. <3

Baphomette
07-18-2015, 10:56 PM
Pretty sure I just had/am having a panic attack for the first time in my life. So that's a fun new thing.They're a barrel of laughs, aren't they? Two things that help me get through them: my cat and distraction. Cuddle your pup, focus on his/her heartbeat, let them love on you. It really helps.

Sarah K
07-18-2015, 11:22 PM
It happened because I was forcing myself to go out... I got ready and everything. And then, when I looked up how to get there, I saw that I was going to have to take a bus and two trains instead of the one train my friend had told me. Then somehow that quickly escalated into me just wanting to die.

Jesus christ.

I feel like none of my friends are listening to me at all. I continually get asked if I'm okay, I answer "No" over and over again. I get the standard "Let me know if I can do anything". Then when I ask for things that would be helpful, they just ignore me. And not big things. So far it has been to go to a meeting with me, to go walk around somewhere, and tonight I just wanted to get out of the apartment for a bit. Go for a car ride or walk or something. This is how people die. I knew it was going to be a long shot, as everyone was planning on going to this party tonight. But fuck.

playwithfire
07-19-2015, 01:02 AM
So... going to things has been it's own challenge for me lately (I've bailed on the three most recent parties I've planned to go to. If there isn't more than one restroom... like even multiple stalls are great and I can work with... then I usually can't deal since I take a while and I find people getting impatient terrifying/crushing) but like... let me know if I can help, seriously. We don't live super close to each other, but yeah.

Sarah K
07-19-2015, 10:25 PM
I have a couple of friends who cooked me dinner and stuff. I just haven't been esting(which isn't the worst thing). She got me in to see someone she knows tomorrow who will work with me on payment. So that's good.

Then, right after we got that scheduled, my roommate text me telling me that we have to be out by the end of the month. HAHAHA I LOVE LIFE IS IS SO AWESOME

Baphomette
07-19-2015, 10:33 PM
I have a couple of friends who cooked me dinner and stuff. I just haven't been esting(which isn't the worst thing). She got me in to see someone she knows tomorrow who will work with me on payment. So that's good.

Then, right after we got that scheduled, my roommate text me telling me that we have to be out by the end of the month. HAHAHA I LOVE LIFE IS IS SO AWESOMEThe end of THIS month??? Is that even legal?

Sarah K
07-19-2015, 10:43 PM
Probably. I've been Subletting a room since last July. Last I knew, one of them had a brother moving in, and I was going to have to find somewhere in a few months.

He text me that since the lease is up at the end of the month that the landlord is going to start showing it tomorrow. I said so, I have 12 days to find somewhere to live? It would have been awesome to know that before now. He hasn't responded.

halloween
07-21-2015, 11:17 PM
I feel silly posting this but I kind of just need some words of encouragement or something. I'm one month away from making a rather large life decision by moving to another country where my mother's side of the family lives. It's been 9 years since I last lived there and while being very excited and looking forward to this move something I've dreamed about since even before I left 9 years ago, haha- it's triggering the hurt 14 year old in me who is feeling a bit of a panic and definitely depressed over leaving my friends and lover. I'd like to say I can deal with loneliness in a healthy way but lately I've felt so vulnerable and thoughts of self-harm come floating back but I haven't felt the need to act on it thankfully. I keep having to talk to myself as a child, "It's going to be ok, change is scary and moving is stressful, you'll make new friends and you can easily keep in touch with old friends thanks to the internet...it's going to be ok..." I've suffered with separation anxiety due to my excessive traveling as a child between two countries and this feels very much like that.

Anyways, I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place but I just wanted to know how other people have dealt with big moves. Part of it feels unnatural to me but at the same time I realize people do it all the time so it's not unnatural I guess.

sentient02970
07-22-2015, 10:15 AM
halloween Not silly at all! A move like that is a big change and changes like that come with all kinds of anxiety and stress. I think a lot of what has helped me over the many moves and changes in my life has been to find a way to ground myself in the new environment. Instead of dwelling on "what I leave behind" I tried to find ways to discover things I loved about the new place/town/people and follow where that leads me. In EVERY case, it's been great and allowed me personally to grow. One example is my latest move from the quiet rural island community to an older, noiser, slow to redevelop, urban community. I'm finding new places to hang out in, new places to walk/run/bike to, seeing the city grow month to month. I'm enjoying the ease of going to the corner store, being a regular there and getting to know the small businesses in the community (something I had very little touch on in my old place). I'm able to focus on my small backyard and make it our own personal haven. I live in possibly one of if not the most criminally shady parts of the city but we've been able to make it our own and find safety in what we can control. Sure, we'd like to move back into the country sometime in the future but for now we've found ways to ground ourselves and make this "home".

I hope that helps some! Best to you!

halloween
07-22-2015, 12:34 PM
sentient02970 Thank you! It is helpful to read that. One thing that I envision when I'm feeling low like I did when I posted that, is the moment I step off the plane and am greeted by my sister and mother, I'm sure I'm going to feel elation during that time. I realize that it's the anticipation of the day of goodbyes that is freaking me out more than anything. I manage to let it out of my mind for about three days at a time until it hits me again full force.

Cat Mom
07-22-2015, 01:40 PM
sentient02970 Thank you! It is helpful to read that. One thing that I envision when I'm feeling low like I did when I posted that, is the moment I step off the plane and am greeted by my sister and mother, I'm sure I'm going to feel elation during that time. I realize that it's the anticipation of the day of goodbyes that is freaking me out more than anything. I manage to let it out of my mind for about three days at a time until it hits me again full force.
If the "goodbyes" is freaking you out, don't look at it that way; you have Skype, Facetime, all kinds of ways to keep in touch with the people you care about and love. Don't say "goodbye" to them (way too permanent, like a death); just agree that you won't say "goodbye" but that you'll all have some silly replacement word, instead, like "cha-cha!!" and that you will all keep in touch; I still keep in touch with my friends and family in Michigan mostly via texting and computer; I don't SEE them very often, but it's pretty easy to keep in touch with them these days via several forms of electronic communication. Remember, LIFE IS AN ADVENTURE. Yes, part of the adventure is the unknown, but that's why it's an adventure. :)

You're right, keep that picture in your mind of the minute you step off that plane and your mom and sister there to greet you with warm loving arms, and everything will be okay.

Swykk
07-22-2015, 08:56 PM
Got diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder today so I can add that to the list. Yay?

I'm so tired of fighting all of it but also very tired of feeling miserable all the time.

Sarah K
07-23-2015, 03:55 PM
If I get into this program, I have to abstain from all drugs for the duration of the program... Which is generally six months. I'm NOT sold on that. They even make you pee. It's like I'm on goddamn probation. This even includes alcohol.

Cat Mom
07-23-2015, 08:56 PM
If I get into this program, I have to abstain from all drugs for the duration of the program... Which is generally six months. I'm NOT sold on that. They even make you pee. It's like I'm on goddamn probation. This even includes alcohol.

Can't you buy clean pee? I had friends who did that.

Although, I went totally clean for a year and it felt great and I even lost a bunch of weight without even trying.

Sarah K
07-23-2015, 09:06 PM
Yeah. Or I could even just stop smoking, and only drink, and schedule my drinking around my appointments. Haha. Kicking the weed as far as a nightly thing won't be that hard for me. It's a crutch to help me sleep. But now I got put back on my medications, so having trouble sleeping won't be as much of an issue. Turning down weed in social situations will be much harder. And I don't even drink that often, so that's not a huge deal for me, either. But it's like... some days, I just wanna drink beer. Haha. And really, I maybe drink three times a month when I'm here. When I go back to Nebraska is where the real shitshow begins. Everyone wants to drink with me, buy me drinks, comp me drinks, etc. I was back for four days recently, and I was drinking a solid 75% of that time.

The last time I did anything outside of weed was some Adderall a few months ago, and coke back in October on my birthday. I just hate the AA-ish mentality of it. But I think I'm going to try to do it. I'm already dreading the holidays back home... when I will be right at towards the end of the program, if I get in.

But I think it will be worth it in the end. It more or less sounds like outpatient rehab, but they aren't calling it that. They'll even do some job training and placement, too. Which would be huge for me. So... I think I can not smoke and drink for six months while I get this shit sorted out.

Cat Mom
07-23-2015, 09:57 PM
Well, yeah, and it also shows that nothing you are taking is counterproductive to what you're trying to accomplish, here, or counteracts with whatever drug they're giving you, eh? Cleaning out your system is like a "cleanse," starting fresh.

The holidays were weird when I was dry. I did virgin eggnog drinks. I did VEGAS totally dry (I don't do any drugs). I figured if I could do that, I can do anything.

Sarah K
07-23-2015, 10:51 PM
No beer during football season will be the worst.

Cat Mom
07-23-2015, 11:09 PM
O'Doul's!!!!

Dra508
07-24-2015, 03:22 PM
[QUOTE=sentient02970;263877] @halloween (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=95) Not silly at all! A move like that is a big change and changes like that come with all kinds of anxiety and stress. I think a lot of what has helped me over the many moves and changes in my life has been to find a way to ground myself in the new environment. Instead of dwelling on "what I leave behind" I tried to find ways to discover things I loved about the new place/town/people and follow where that leads me. In EVERY case, it's been great and allowed me personally to grow. One example is my latest move from the quiet rural island community to an older, noiser, slow to redevelop, urban community. I'm finding new places to hang out in, new places to walk/run/bike to, seeing the city grow month to month. I'm enjoying the ease of going to the corner store, being a regular there and getting to know the small businesses in the community (something I had very little touch on in my old place). I'm able to focus on my small backyard and make it our own personal haven. I live in possibly one of if not the most criminally shady parts of the city but we've been able to make it our own and find safety in what we can control. Sure, we'd like to move back into the country sometime in the future but for now we've found ways to ground ourselves and make this "home".

I hope that helps some! Best to you![/QUOTE halloween This is spot on. When I moved last year, I positioned it in my brain as a new beginning, not leaving anything or anyone. It's true that communications today really put you right next to people who are oh so far away. Heck, I'm typing this and you're going to read it from 1,000 miles away.

One thing I'd add is if there is anything you find comfort in as a routine, for me it was working out and yoga, for you it could be getting a good meal or coffee, seek out those things that make your new location your new home. As @sentient02970 (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=444) said, exploring your new environment helps to get you focused on what you're gaining, not what you're losing.

Baphomette
07-24-2015, 04:56 PM
If I get into this programAre you doing Matrix?

Sarah K
07-24-2015, 05:59 PM
I dunno what that means. It's basically like an outpatient treatment program.

halloween
07-24-2015, 08:42 PM
Dra508 That's great advice. I think I'd be having a much easier time with this if I was already single, but I'm not so leaving my boyfriend is hurting me so much. At least we're being able to stay on friend terms and as everyone has mentioned, once I'm there all it will take is to jump on facebook and it will ease my anxiety. I really do have a problem where I feel like this is a death- like I'm mourning my friends and also I'm afraid they will forget me. If I make sure to reach out I'm sure some of them will reach right back out. I've had one friend to date that has ignored all my attempts of communication and I gave up after several months. For the first time since college three years ago, I've had friends texting me because I've been living in the same city as them in the past couple months and it's really been eye opening for me. I realize now that it's easy to fade out of peoples consciousness when I'm not in their immediate day to day life.

Today I had a bit of a crying bout but the moment I let it out and kind of embraced my feelings, a switch flicked and I felt SO much better, I felt ready to enjoy the day and even the week- I'm at a family members cabin in the mountains getting ready for a family reunion for the next week. I'm picking up my sister at the airport tomorrow and it will be good getting to talk to her about the move since I'll be moving in with her. I really really really want to spend the next month in a positive, celebratory mind set rather than a depressed one which it has been mostly for the past few weeks.

Dra508
07-24-2015, 10:17 PM
.

Today I had a bit of a crying bout but the moment I let it out and kind of embraced my feelings, a switch flicked and I felt SO much better, I felt ready to enjoy the day and even the week- I'm at a family members cabin in the mountains getting ready for a family reunion for the next week. I'm picking up my sister at the airport tomorrow and it will be good getting to talk to her about the move since I'll be moving in with her. I really really really want to spend the next month in a positive, celebratory mind set rather than a depressed one which it has been mostly for the past few weeks.
Nothing like a little catharsis to make your mind and soul move forward using positive thoughts.

When I moved away from the town I lived with my X, a recent friend I had made at the gym got a bit irritated with me. She literally felt like I was leaving her too and she was hurt. I just had to acknowledge her feelings. We really don't keep up as if we did live near each other, but that's is life, friends move in and out of your life till you die.

Look forward to the future- there is all sorts of possibility. You just have to be open to it and be in it. Present.

playwithfire
08-01-2015, 01:23 PM
Made the decision to part ways with my therapist after a really horrible session on Thursday. I don't think he's a *bad* therapist, but my needs/his approach didn't align. He's a psychotherapist and I should be seeing a behavioral therapist. I saw him initially for reasons not related to my OCD, and I got help with that through our sessions, but when it came to my OCD (something I'd talk about when not having other things to discuss), he thinks I should look into medication and I very strongly disagree. Our session on Thursday was basically an hour of us disagreeing.

And that's not me being an anti-medication person. I actually have been meaning to get medication I can take on the rare occasions my anxiety gets really bad. I would look into daily medication if I thought medication was the right option for me, just like I'd be pursuing formalized CBT right now if I thought it was the right choice. Using gentle CBT stuff on my own is a better fit for me right now.

The kinds of OCD I have respond best BY FAR to cognitive behavioral therapy. This isn't something I have randomly concluded. This is a fact. I've educated myself about my OCD over the years, and I'd even say that I may be more familiar with aspects of it than he was. So our disagreement there was a problem, and me feeling that misunderstood also sucked.

It left me feeling almost betrayed, and hurt by someone I'd made myself incredibly vulnerable to.

So, here I am, no more therapy planned for the forseeable future, and I had a really nice realization this afternoon after being down about it for the past couple of days.

I was thinking about the level of discipline OCD sufferers are forced to have. I fail at that with the rest of my life, but it's not an option with my OCD. I'm a lot more powerful and capable than I give myself credit for, and I've left myself in the best possible hands: my own.

halloween
08-01-2015, 10:55 PM
Man, I've been considering getting together with a therapist once I move to Brazil just because I'm really nervous about how this move is going to affect me. Just like you've been telling yourself, I also feel like I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. I will be moving in with my sister who is awesome at being supportive, too. We'll see how it goes.

Al_Hunter
08-07-2015, 04:36 PM
I suffer with pretty bad anxiety, but it's fairly infrequent. Basically, I have to deal with some stressful situations in my job [I work in construction and, more specifically, in agreeing contracts and contract values with subcontractors] and have gone through extensive periods of worrying about working situations.

One particular situation sticks with me. Almost a year ago now I was working on a new build hospital project. We had erected the steel frame and the first quarter of the first and second floors and roof level and poured the concrete for these sections of the job. One Sunday night/ Monday morning I found myself dreaming I was walking round the job, climbing ladders ascending up the floors. I was so invested in the job it was completely taking over my life.

I still find myself freaking out about some of the conversations I have to have with people regarding not paying them for certain things or charging them for costs we have incurred as a result of something they have done. Thankfully that hospital project has now finished and we are in negotiations with the client for the next phase, but I can see myself getting stressed and anxious again once we get into the next phase.

theruiner
08-07-2015, 08:07 PM
I can't even begin to explain how horrible I feel right now. The depression and stress and anxiety I'm experiencing are at max levels. I have been trying and trying and trying to make things better and pull myself out of it but it's not working at all. I don't see things getting better, like, ever. I keep going only motivated by the hope that things will somehow turn around but I've been doing that my entire life and it never has. I am doing everything in my power to improve things and it's just not working at all.

Depression, seriously, is just the worst.

kleiner
08-16-2015, 11:43 PM
I wish people would just let me decide for myself whether I want to keep going or not. Somewhere life stopped feeling like a promise and started feeling like an imposition.

playwithfire
08-16-2015, 11:52 PM
Okay, you can have my calcium. <3 :(

playwithfire
08-16-2015, 11:54 PM
I think the hard part about that line of thinking is that your brain probably wouldn't be feeling that way if it was healthy -- due to extreme stress or depression or chemical imbalance. It sucks that we can't have the other part of us... the part of us when things are good, during these times.

I hope this maybe helps even a little bit. (http://i.imgur.com/pTsqcrw.jpg):(

halloween
08-17-2015, 05:05 PM
I absolutely love that poster. I've read it several times now and it keeps me realizing that our brains is a giant sponge of chemicals and electricity and can govern your thoughts at the slightest whims. I always have to tell myself to look forward and not give in to the stress- which is a much more indicative word for me than if I just tell myself "I'm depressed" because that feels so much more mysterious and doom-worthy. When I'm haunted by visions of suicide, which happens every other day, I realize it's just my body saying "I'M STRESSED, THIS SUCKS RIGHT NOW, I WANT TO LIE DOWN FOREVER." I have been over sleeping and under exercising recently, and fucking a it's a downward spiral. I went for a walk yesterday and I felt cleansed for a brief time. I'm waiting until it's not 95 degrees to go for another walk tonight.

elevenism
08-25-2015, 03:58 PM
I'm not doing well at all right now. So much on my mind. Shop much physical pain. Rapid cycling of classic mania to paranoia/anxiety that turns into real fear. I brought one of the wrong bottles to the hotel so I'm off one of the meds. Sadness over friends deaths, one happened already and one is impending. I have a bad feeling that the manic side. .that I'm gonna come unglued this time. I KIND of heard something but i was half asleep so idk if it counts? Getting already for the surgery and then it didn't go through, there was someone that I thought cared but I think I was wrong, big gulf between me and wife because of lack of sex from broken back I think? O r maybe it's just In my head. Don't feel like part of the herd anywhere lately. Fixated on inevitability of death. Can't sleep. All my friends are back in dallas and I don't know anyone here. Most of my 'friends' Are on ets. Hard to type thru this phone. Mind going so fast. Sensing ghosts seeing shadows out of the corner of my eye. I'm gonna try to get in to the psych clinic early. It makes me sick to be all pathetic but I guess this is me asking for help. I don't like it. But this is where I spend most of my social time. Sorry if this post is too long and or disjointed. My mind is going progressively faster.

elevenism
08-29-2015, 12:08 PM
Thank god i've chilled the fuck out some!

I needed sleep and back on my meds.

Mania is a strange thing. For me, it feels really good at first.

But then, like i stated a few days ago, it turns into an almost permanent panic-attack state.
Then i get into a situation where i'm actually SCARED to go to sleep, partially for fear of the nightmares, and partially for fear of the "nightmare" of waking up.

I also often turn on the people closest to me, thinking that no one in my family cares, which is totally bat-shit crazy. I was talking THAT way in the above post too.

Sometimes the whole thing culminates in hallucinations, usually auditory.

Thank god i am home now, i've had some sleep, and i have access to the medicines that i forgot to bring with me to Amarillo.

marodi
10-24-2015, 07:25 PM
Origin story here (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/threads/1340-The-little-things-that-piss-you-off?p=274083#post274083).

A reminder that I was diagnosed with severe social anxiety disorder, panic attacks and OCD.

You can imagine that hearing that I was deemed to appear "not quite there" sent me into full panic attack mode. For the last 24 hours I've been unable to eat without vomiting, I couldn't stop crying and I don't plan on getting out soon. I was even suicidal for a couple hours (don't worry and please don't send the cops, this has passed now).

I am a bit better, I have eaten a toast and it's fine for now. I've stopped crying (for now) but I am still not getting out anytime soon.

Fuck the world. I'm staying right here with my cat.

kel
10-24-2015, 09:55 PM
Origin story here (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/threads/1340-The-little-things-that-piss-you-off?p=274083#post274083).

A reminder that I was diagnosed with severe social anxiety disorder, panic attacks and OCD.

You can imagine that hearing that I was deemed to appear "not quite there" sent me into full panic attack mode. For the last 24 hours I've been unable to eat without vomiting, I couldn't stop crying and I don't plan on getting out soon. I was even suicidal for a couple hours (don't worry and please don't send the cops, this has passed now).

I am a bit better, I have eaten a toast and it's fine for now. I've stopped crying (for now) but I am still not getting out anytime soon.

Fuck the world. I'm staying right here with my cat.

i'm so sorry. i've been there, the anxiety causes extreme dry heaving and it's impossible to function. it happened to me four weeks ago and i had to have my mom call in for me. it is NEVER taken seriously from co workers and it always feels shameful. so shitty.

stay with your cat. breathe and hope to wake up feeling better. you're not alone.

Ryan
10-24-2015, 10:33 PM
edit: Feeling better!

Cat Mom
10-25-2015, 01:43 AM
Origin story here (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/threads/1340-The-little-things-that-piss-you-off?p=274083#post274083).

A reminder that I was diagnosed with severe social anxiety disorder, panic attacks and OCD.

You can imagine that hearing that I was deemed to appear "not quite there" sent me into full panic attack mode. For the last 24 hours I've been unable to eat without vomiting, I couldn't stop crying and I don't plan on getting out soon. I was even suicidal for a couple hours (don't worry and please don't send the cops, this has passed now).

I am a bit better, I have eaten a toast and it's fine for now. I've stopped crying (for now) but I am still not getting out anytime soon.

Fuck the world. I'm staying right here with my cat.

There was nothing wrong with you at that cell phone store; that is just typical predatory target shit that happens to all women. I once went home with a new CAR I couldn't afford, after having been harassed for hours at a car dealer I visited just to get a price, and I had to come back with a lawyer, and I was under 30 at the time. That dealer has since been closed down. But, trust me, it's not you; it's sleazy predatory business practices. (I still won't go to a car dealer without a guy with me, decades later.) Women are the biggest targets of these lying harassing tactics, most of which are illegal. They know we have not been conditoned to just *walk away*. But we can learn. Next time, though, take your brother to anyplace where this could happen (or at least a friend); this stuff never happens when there is a witness.

I hope you feel better. *hugs* I would have been really upset, too. If it's any consolation, I use my Samsung Galaxy as a little minicomputer. I am typing this ETS response on it right now while sitting on the couch. :-)

Swykk
10-25-2015, 11:06 AM
Fuck. Sorry to hear, Ryan. Hope you feel better soon.

marodi
10-25-2015, 10:20 PM
Thanks c0f3d and allegro for the kind words. I'm feeling much better now. I'm still staying home with my cat though! :P

And if I had to go with a kick ass smartphone, the Samsung Galaxy would be my choice too. It's a beautiful thing. But for the need I have for it, it would be like buying a flame thrower to kill a fly.

I vented a bit on Virgins Mobile fb page, very politely, mind you; I am Canadian after all.
allegro do you know what it reminded me of? I don't know if you've ever seen this but back in early 00's, Alan Cumming wrote a fantastic article for Marie Claire magazine. He spent a day in New York (iirc) as himself, walking the street and went to shop for a car. Then, he dressed up as a woman (he got professional help to help him look as natural as possible in make-up and women's clothes, including high heels) and did the exact same thing. The way he was treated (as a woman) at the car dealer ship was appalling.

*hugs all around*

ldopa
10-26-2015, 10:51 AM
the mental health system is so fucked here in cali. nobody has any solutions, and i have no solutions (as a citizen) except enabling. WHICH IS NOT A SOLUTION!

Pillfred
10-27-2015, 04:25 PM
One of those days where I feel I've become too comfortable in the eye of my own storm. I can't even find the right words to express how I feel. Part of it started when I thought about getting a coat rack as silly as it sounds. Without context it probably doesn't sound like a big deal and by itself it really isn't. It just got me thinking about a lot of different things in relation to where I find myself right now.

Probably didn't make much sense and perhaps I shouldn't complain but I needed to vent. On that note as well I plan on getting back into seeing a counselor again.

BrewHa
10-29-2015, 03:32 AM
I was diagnosed with major depressive order over a year ago. Before being diagnosed, I was self medicating with cocaine, adderall and ecstasy. Eventually I became addicted and my life completely fell apart. I was never much of a partier and usually did the drugs by myself and stayed up for days at a time. All of my previous passions and hobbies faded away. It was the most alone I've ever felt. Unfortunately, all of my past years of heavy drug use have awoken my hereditary depression and now I am on an anti-depressants. I took Lexapro for awhile, but I hated it and made the switch to Wellbutrin. Can't say I'm in love with it. I feel like it mutes my emotions and gives me a fake sense of happiness. I still go through depressive episodes from time to time, but thankfully it's not as bad as it was before. I really shouldn't be alive, but alas here I am for whatever fucking reason. Maybe some day I'll find out. I do know that I'd like to live long enough to be able to move far far away into the mountains and live in a lovely log cabin for the rest of my days. I know I'm an old soul and this society isn't for me. Peace and love to you all and thanks for listening.

kel
11-08-2015, 05:25 PM
the best depiction of bipolar disorder in cinema, 'i smile back'. i don't have the addiction side, but it still resonated in a huge way. most of the time i'm okay, but if i'm not i'm drowning in depression or dealing with hypomania and making shitty decisions. this movie captures it perfectly.

miss k bee
12-02-2015, 02:17 PM
Been feeling pretty low for the past couple of weeks, with a low mood I can't shake. Been looking for a job for 6 months now, was the victim of a job scam and now getting pressure but no support from the Jobcentre. Have to to go the Dr, already on low dose Paroxetine for anxiety. Sucks.

richardp
12-02-2015, 04:40 PM
Switched to a new anti-anxiety medicine today and this shit makes me so sleepy. SAD FACE SAD FACE.

Swykk
12-02-2015, 07:13 PM
Does cutting one in half help? That's what I do with mine and it make me less sleepy.

richardp
12-02-2015, 07:35 PM
I think I'm going to half to. I neeeever take naps, and today I pretty much passed the fuck out from like right after I posted that to just now. Felt like I took that heavy duty ass NyQuil ZZZ stuff.

Swykk
12-02-2015, 08:53 PM
"Half to." I see what you did there. Seriously, though, it couldn't hurt to try.

kel
12-02-2015, 09:14 PM
can i ask what it is? my seroquel knocks my ass out every night in 30 minutes, like clockwork.

richardp
12-03-2015, 04:08 AM
Sertraline. Now this shit has pulled a full 180 and is giving me a terrible bout of insomnia and nausea. Ughhhh.

Swykk
12-03-2015, 10:08 AM
Be careful. It can be the "same" pill but a different manufacturer. And therefore, different ingredients aside from the primary stuff. My understanding is that it's 70% primary and 30% whatever the fuck the manufacturer adds to complete it.

kel
12-03-2015, 01:07 PM
Sertraline. Now this shit has pulled a full 180 and is giving me a terrible bout of insomnia and nausea. Ughhhh.

sertraline (aka zoloft) made me anxious as hell. hope it metabolizes for you sooner than later.

richardp
12-03-2015, 11:47 PM
sertraline (aka zoloft) made me anxious as hell. hope it metabolizes for you sooner than later.

How long did it take for you to get used it, if I may ask?

kel
12-04-2015, 07:18 AM
How long did it take for you to get used it, if I may ask?

i didn't. it wasn't a right fit. my doc switched me to fluoxetine (aka prozac).

richardp
12-04-2015, 11:26 AM
If it's still fucking with me by the end of the weekend, I'm definitely going to have my doctor put me on something else. Its made me so sleepy during the day these past couple of days, but then at night when I lay down to sleep, I've ended up just tossing and turning all night.

elevenism
12-19-2015, 08:11 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZ5Mu2gs-M8

This is exactly how i feel.

"Good grief. i've been reapin what i sowed...i aint been outside in a minute"
"step into the shadows we can talk addiction"

This fucking opiate bullshit is KILLING ME. and that's on TOP of being insanely bipolar.
the dr is about to lower my dosage too so it's about to get a lot worse.
but then it will be over, i suppose.
i am ONLY happy/functional for the few hours after i take my pain meds.
the rest of the time it's like having this insistent itch that's impossible to scratch.
and it makes me not wanna be alive.

most of you know my drug/alcohol history. isn't it ironic that just about the worst addiction this alcoholic junkie has ever got into came from a fucking DOCTOR?

Sarah K
12-19-2015, 01:34 PM
Now that I've been on a medication that is right for me, it absolutely blows my mind how quickly my brain reverts back to "I'D RATHER NOT PARTICIPATE IN THIS WHOLE "LIFE" THING" when I'm not on them. Plus I had shark week at the same time, so I'm sure that everything was just amplified this past week.

Bah, why is finding a consistent mental health place so hard?

MURRICA

Baphomette
12-20-2015, 10:52 PM
Why, hello there depressive cycle that usually starts in November! I was starting to wonder what had happened to you!

Edo
12-21-2015, 05:49 AM
Why, hello there depressive cycle that usually starts in November! I was starting to wonder what had happened to you!

I'm sorry to hear that... Same shit happens to me every year. I'm still hoping to find an effective way to avoid it, but I'm totally brain-dead every December to March or so. So far my best idea of relieving it is traveling more, breaking the routine to get some fresh input --- it does help a lot. Also, getting off the booze was a massive improvement for me, too, -- I didn't realize how much worse it was making things, until I quit.

theruiner
12-22-2015, 02:32 PM
So...I've kind of realized that my mental issues go way deeper, and are way, WAY more severe, than I initially thought.

I mean, don't get me wrong, they were severe before, they have been severe most of my life. But it's severe at a scary level. My depression has been getting better (a lot better, actually), which is great, but my OCD is wreaking havoc on my brain in ways that are scary even to me (and I thought I had dealt with everything OCD had to offer, even the stuff that most people don't know about, the really scary symptoms that aren't well known). But this is, like, a whole other level of horrible.

I finally got to the point where I finally broke down and started taking Paxil a couple of days ago. My stupid mistake was not researching these things at all before starting. I trusted my therapist and in turn trusted the doctor she recommended me to see. Now I realize I shouldn't have taken anyone's word for anything, I should have looked into it myself. I'm calling the doctor right after work to see what I should do. I'd be willing to bet they will probably want me to make an appointment and come in next week or something and I'm not waiting that long. I've only been on them two days so if I have to I'll just stop. But I'm hoping I can get an answer tonight so I don't have to do that.

In the meantime, I don't know how I'm going to handle this. I'm not taking these meds, but my brain might be unfixable. I'm going to look into getting a different therapist, though I am not very hopeful that they will be able to help any more than my current one.

Swykk
12-22-2015, 02:56 PM
That's kind of where I'm at with prescription meds...they're either not working or giving me a myriad of miserable side effects. The one I know works wonders for me is of course something my insurance won't cover! So I've been off for about a year and a half now with admittedly not ideal results. I'm using supplements like St Johns Wort and Onnit's Alpha Brain which have helped. Looking into 5HTP and a couple of other things but haven't been brave enough to try yet. I'm sure it's not a fixable situation. At some point, you've just been through too much. Too many "negative life events" as my therapist used to call them.
theruiner--I liked your posts because I understand, not because I am happy for what you're going through.

theruiner
12-22-2015, 03:13 PM
I'm sorry you're going through that. :/

Yeah, I mean, I really don't want to think there's no hope. I've always been a pretty optimistic person (though my friends may not realize this because I do vent a lot, because my depression has been severe). As bad as things have been my entire life, I've always, ALWAYS told myself it can get better. And my life has just been completely destroyed and I'm just now picking up the pieces. But I've been going to regular therapy for two years now, my depression has been getting better (which took a lot of hard work), but the OCD is just completely out of control. It's actually affecting the way I feel about things- for a few minutes I'll be gung ho on something, my decision is made, I'm doing this. Ten minutes later I feel COMPLETELY the opposite- I can't believe I ever thought this was a good idea, this is nuts, I 100% don't want to do this. Ten minutes later it's, wow, I TOTALLY want to do this, why did I ever not want to?

It isn't quite ten minutes apart, but you get the idea. My therapist thinks it's the OCD, I tend to agree. The thing is, OCD has never done that to me before. To be so completely set on an idea, to want to do something with every fiber of my being...and then not want to. And then wanting to. And then not wanting to. And when I feel one way or the other I really do feel it. So it makes it impossible to make big decisions. The biggest being whether or not to transition, which is HUGE. Huge. It has completely stopped any progress I was making. I'm just stuck with no idea what I want anymore. Neither direction sounds right, or sounds right for any sustained period of time. I can't tell you how horrible this feels.

Baphomette
12-22-2015, 05:31 PM
I'm sorry you're going through that. :/

Yeah, I mean, I really don't want to think there's no hope. I've always been a pretty optimistic person (though my friends may not realize this because I do vent a lot, because my depression has been severe). As bad as things have been my entire life, I've always, ALWAYS told myself it can get better. And my life has just been completely destroyed and I'm just now picking up the pieces. But I've been going to regular therapy for two years now, my depression has been getting better (which took a lot of hard work), but the OCD is just completely out of control. It's actually affecting the way I feel about things- for a few minutes I'll be gung ho on something, my decision is made, I'm doing this. Ten minutes later I feel COMPLETELY the opposite- I can't believe I ever thought this was a good idea, this is nuts, I 100% don't want to do this. Ten minutes later it's, wow, I TOTALLY want to do this, why did I ever not want to?

It isn't quite ten minutes apart, but you get the idea. My therapist thinks it's the OCD, I tend to agree. The thing is, OCD has never done that to me before. To be so completely set on an idea, to want to do something with every fiber of my being...and then not want to. And then wanting to. And then not wanting to. And when I feel one way or the other I really do feel it. So it makes it impossible to make big decisions. The biggest being whether or not to transition, which is HUGE. Huge. It has completely stopped any progress I was making. I'm just stuck with no idea what I want anymore. Neither direction sounds right, or sounds right for any sustained period of time. I can't tell you how horrible this feels.

Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time @theruiner (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=51). *hugs* I know you're not fond of "natural" meds, but I've found 5-HTP to be wonderful and am using it instead of an anti-depressant. You may wanna give it a try. Also, Paxil is one of those meds that have a tendency to worsen depression and cause suicidal ideations (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/08/050821225354.htm), so PLEASE be careful with it. I would actually encourage you not to take it anymore, since you already suffer from depression, and ask your doctor for an alternative. Sending lots of love to you.


Looking into 5HTP and a couple of other things but haven't been brave enough to try yet.DO IT! Had great results with both 5-HTP and SAM-e but it did take awhile to figure out the correct dose for myself. They both take about three to four weeks to kick in and I eventually dropped SAM-e as 5-HTP was working fine on its own. I'll go through my bookmarks and send you the info I have about them. I based my dosage on recent studies and conversations with my psychiatrist rather than what the bottle recommended. Currently taking 200 mg in the morning and it's as effective as the ADs without the shitty side effects.

theruiner
12-22-2015, 07:18 PM
Thank you for the advice. I will look into that and see how I feel about it. Much appreciated!

In the meantime, I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for Monday so I can switch to a different antidepressant. There's no way around it at this point, I have to take one, so it's just a matter of finding the right one. I'm not taking it for depression (I don't need it for that since my depression is getting better on its own) I'm taking it for the OCD. And only temporarily while I figure out if I'm going to continue transition or not.

In the meantime, I checked with my doctor and he said it's OK to stop taking the Paxil since it's only been a few days. I'm going to email my therapist and run some of the meds by her that are on my list (they did a genetic test to determine which meds were the safest and most effective for me) and see which one she recommends. When I told her they put me on Paxil she was like uh, no...I would highly recommend you get on something else.

Your Name Here
01-06-2016, 01:09 AM
...................

ldopa
01-06-2016, 01:48 AM
i'm a current alky and a former drug abuser. my words of "wisdom:"

being alone is the presence of yourself, being lonely is a sad longing for another.
you only get one shot at this currently crap existence, don't be scared.
FUCKING FUCK EVERYONE AND DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS RIGHT.

edit: i can tell by your typing, syntax, context, connotations, whatever...you are very tentative, get some sleep too. lots of it. there's plenty of time to sort shit out. you don't need to fix yourself in five minutes.

jessamineny
01-06-2016, 09:32 AM
I have been diagnosed with severe depression and OCD. Its funny because I'm recovering alcoholic and drug abuser and when I say drugs I mean cocaine and heroin and I refuse to take any depression medication because it just dulls my brain. I have tried to workout and keep my heart rate up as a way of boosting my endorphines but sometimes that doesn't work. I go from being to depressed (which for me is my normal) to being suicidal depressed and it only gets darker from there.


I used to be an active drug addict, too (cocaine). I had incredible success with Wellbutrin -- and I know at least one other former drug user on this board did as well. Do you have a doc who has a good bit of experience with addicts? If so, talk to her/him about that drug and whether it might work for you. I considered it my lifesaver, and I've heard the same from others like us.

I'm always around if you'd like to talk. :::hugs:::

Your Name Here
01-07-2016, 05:52 AM
.......................

kleiner
01-08-2016, 02:41 PM
I can't even remember the last moment I felt normal anymore. I guess this is my normal? I don't even know. The worst thing about depression sometimes is how it doesn't feel like a fog or a cloud at all, even though it gets illustrated that way. It's the exact opposite. Like your eyes have finally lifted from some naive dream you'd been having. Suddenly it all snaps into focus and you can see everything so perfectly. It all makes so much sense, and you wonder why no one else around you can see it. Everyone else, stuck in their little fogs.

Like there's this thick sheet of reinforced glass between you and everyone else alive and you're the only one who can see it, you're the only one who can feel it, cold beneath your hands as your breath fogs it up, the closer you get to try and look at everyone on the other side, the more distorted it all becomes. And so you can only see everyone clearly from this distance. You can get it all from this separation. The closer you become the harder it gets to see. Like everything starts to load in lower resolution. Too close and it's just a mess of color, of pixels and polygons.

It's just so incredible the way the misaligned chemicals in your brain make you believe everything they make you feel. And then you think about how reality is so fragile ultimately, how such small changes in biochemistry can fuck with your entire take on everything, and suddenly it's not a feeling but a certainty, you just know that that's how it all is, and it's all up to the chemicals in your head to change what it is. Meds or drugs, sex or friends, any of the things people use and any of the things you try. It's like there is no normal. It's just just so malleable, so totally without definable shape. And you know in the back of your head that that's such shit, that there has to be something better and happier and real and bright and great, but the rest of your head won't listen, and it's a voice to shrill to shout. It's like you get so used to it you just stop caring, you just stop wanting it to be any different, because you know it'll eventually all backdrift, anyway. And then it's like you spend so much of your life avoiding everything that's good about living because of the knowledge that it's all going to end that all you end up getting to really experience is when everything does end.

Kid Charlemagne
01-29-2016, 01:43 AM
I've been having a real hard time this week. I couldn't bring myself to swallow my pills again, but I'm taking a break from everything for a while. If you'd like to reach me, feel free to do it by phone of PM, please no contact on social media, because I probably won't see it, I'm staying off of it for a while. I love you all, I promise to get the help I need this time around to avoid it again. Cheers.


Josh

kel
01-29-2016, 02:04 AM
take care of yourself, josh.

Swykk
02-11-2016, 10:15 AM
I really do always mean well but I think social awkwardness has really become less of a funny problem and more of an actual problem. My intentions are sound. My humor is a bit too dry now. This could be related to current events (see the recent Piss You Off thread) and/or my old friends Anxiety and Depression.

richardp
02-18-2016, 05:16 PM
Fuck man, between half the country talking shit on Kanye *possibly* having some unchecked mental issues, and all the dude bro assholes saying that Rhonda Rousey is a "whiney bitch who no longer deserves respect" because she felt suicidal after losing that fight, this week is making me feel pretty fuckin' lonely about my own issues. I've been pretty quiet to mostly everyone lately about me struggling to find a better prescription that works for me, so to basically watch society put these public figures down so hard for it, I don't know, makes me want to keep it to myself even more.

Why the fuck are most people so awful and selfish tho.

Swykk
02-18-2016, 06:10 PM
Extra fun fact--Ronda's father committed suicide.

So those people laughing and hating on her are extra great. And by that, I mean, as do you, dude bro assholes and jealous twats.

Swykk
02-19-2016, 10:03 AM
I don't have the thing inside most humans that creates confidence so I put way too much into what other people think about me. Maybe I used to have it and it got worn away until it just stopped functioning? I don't know. I do have some pride. I like who I am inside and wonder why some people don't....but I second guess myself way too much.
Not sure how to beat this.

Cat Mom
02-20-2016, 12:45 AM
I like who I am inside and wonder why some people don't.
This is partly good, partly not good. It's good to wonder why some people don't like you, and consider if your own view of yourself is flawed (ego, rose-colored glasses, too much pride, etc.) Sometimes we can learn to temper portions of our personalities that might be offputting to others but not noticed by us. This is useful. Self-reflection and reflection via others is important data. We don't live in a bubble, and unless we are total narcissists, how others think of us is important data.

But, we also can't live our lives by what we PERCEIVE of people's views of us. Sometimes we get false vibes, false information, what we perceive as people not liking us but is actually false data. We can walk around thinking that people don't like us, but in reality our radar may be affected by our own insecurities and mistrust and prejudices etc. We need to consider all of this and filter all of it when assessing this information.

In other words, when you say "some people don't," are you 100% certain that they don't like you? Have they SAID this? Or are your own insecurities thinking this? Or, maybe they are assholes which has nothing to do with you.

Sometimes it's good to just think "fuck what people think about me" and live your life, dude. I mean, as long as you are reasonably sure that you're not an arrogant abusive prick and are kind and nice, then fuck people, just live with your personal power and fuck everybody else and live your own life. We have one life to live: OURS. Let them worry about their own lives, you worry about yours. :)

Pillfred
02-20-2016, 03:45 AM
allegro, ftw, wisdom.

But yeah it's generally internet need rage surrounding most anything media related anymore, because it's what a fair amount of people know anymore. (?)
Swykk
What she said.
Also, you just gotta trust yourself. Whatever that means
... Maybe I'm overly empathetic or perhaps I'm a perfect shitstorm of mind fuck. Besides a few, possible, things I think more than not in like most any other person. Ultimately, clueless, just trying to figure it out.

Life is a real fucker. I get my head is off somehow, but so much shit around me isn't that bad so maybe, shit isn't that bad?

Cat Mom
02-20-2016, 11:11 PM
allegro, ftw, wisdom.
yeah, thanks but I gotta shut up in here, I sound like fuckin' Kung Fu.

theburningreptile
02-21-2016, 12:10 PM
I had a startling discovery buried deep in my mind. I already have Dissociative Identity Disorder, I think I figured out why. I was abused severely as a child for 5 years. I thought I developed DIDN then. I think I actually did when I was 3 years old. It came to me one day, like opening a door in a house that was closed and for good reason. When I opened it, all of those feelings came rushing back to me, like it was happening all over again. Dante quickly took over, since I don't remember much for a while. It was quiet a time jump. Dante is one of my alters. He's protected me for so long. He's honestly what has kept me alive all these years. I'm sorry, that it has happened to others. In a way, I don't remember most of it, so I'm extremely grateful for that. I send sincere love and good vibes to all that have experienced abuse over the years.

Pillfred
02-22-2016, 01:03 AM
yeah, thanks but I gotta shut up in here, I sound like fuckin' Kung Fu.
No offense but you're old. Or Older? And it seems to me to be the older some get, they actually get wiser. I feel like I'm on the older side.
Also, i was, and am, kinds drunk. At least you didn't "butterfly Sting."

kel
03-14-2016, 10:52 PM
my disease lies to me. i know better, but sometimes it's too much. my husband told me he's tired of my "episodes". i haven't had any. i told him that statement is no different than saying i'm sick of his stomach aches.

ugh. fuck.

ldopa
03-15-2016, 07:08 AM
anytime you say something that isn't congruent to their particular needs or mood, you will be having an "episode." if it's not the end of everything, point it out, then let it slide. tensions are high, but in your heartest of hearts, you were fucking made for each other. nobody could go through this together except you guys. no censor = true love.

Pillfred
03-19-2016, 03:59 AM
Fuck ... (Etc 10 chars)

kel
03-19-2016, 05:04 PM
edit: nvrmnd.

Bachy
04-01-2016, 12:44 AM
I mentioned a few weeks ago I spent the night in the hospital. Well, it was because I apparently, in a drunk stupor, texted some suicidal thoughts to my ex. Though, to be fair she did kind of egg me on and tell me to hurt myself. I basically said, well, what if I did that? Anyways, she called the cops, they showed up, saw NIN was playing, took it as probable cause and took me to the hospital for observation. I will admit that I have been depressed for about a year now, but I will never fucking hurt myself. I love life, even though it can be a pain in the ass.

botley
04-02-2016, 11:51 AM
I mentioned a few weeks ago I spent the night in the hospital. Well, it was because I apparently, in a drunk stupor, texted some suicidal thoughts to my ex. Though, to be fair she did kind of egg me on and tell me to hurt myself. I basically said, well, what if I did that? Anyways, she called the cops, they showed up, saw NIN was playing, took it as probable cause and took me to the hospital for observation. I will admit that I have been depressed for about a year now, but I will never fucking hurt myself. I love life, even though it can be a pain in the ass.

Wow. That's some shit! Hope you are feeling better soon and maybe got at least something positive out of the hospital stay. Can I ask more about the police interaction? What exactly about having NIN playing gave them 'probable cause' to admit you?!

Bachy
04-02-2016, 12:25 PM
Wow. That's some shit! Hope you are feeling better soon and maybe got at least something positive out of the hospital stay. Can I ask more about the police interaction? What exactly about having NIN playing gave them 'probable cause' to admit you?!

That bit I was kidding about. They literally had to admit me because I was legally drunk, and apparently they take this shit very seriously. So they had to hold me until I sobered up and basically said I didn't want to harm myself. The police were perfectly fine. I kind of laughed that they did comment on me listening to Nine Inch Nails and immediately assuming I was depressed. I was straight with them. I told them I had been drinking, said some things I shouldn't have, and I'm willing to cooperate with whatever. Having said all that, the hospital stay was a bitch. Rock hard mattress.

botley
04-02-2016, 03:14 PM
That bit I was kidding about. They literally had to admit me because I was legally drunk, and apparently they take this shit very seriously. So they had to hold me until I sobered up and basically said I didn't want to harm myself. The police were perfectly fine. I kind of laughed that they did comment on me listening to Nine Inch Nails and immediately assuming I was depressed. I was straight with them. I told them I had been drinking, said some things I shouldn't have, and I'm willing to cooperate with whatever. Having said all that, the hospital stay was a bitch. Rock hard mattress.
Wow, I'm glad you're out of that. Doesn't sound fun but at least you can have some levity about it!

Sarah K
04-02-2016, 06:56 PM
That's awesome that the police actually took it seriously, even though you were attention seeking. More police and medical professionals need to do that.

Bachy
04-02-2016, 09:34 PM
That's awesome that the police actually took it seriously, even though you were attention seeking. More police and medical professionals need to do that.

I couldn't apologize to them enough for wasting their time with me.

Camille
04-03-2016, 03:15 PM
I had the really bad news today that a young friend of mine has ended his life. We met through mental health services over ten years ago and kept in regular contact since then. His death has been a shock to many, I'm at a loss as to how to feel.
My partner and I are now going to have a wee drink to remember him.
R.I.P Andrew.


Work tomorrow, life continues.

Ryan
04-12-2016, 11:45 PM
Anyone ever get that feeling like you're just hanging on by a very fine thread?

Khrz
04-13-2016, 07:55 AM
Anyone ever get that feeling like you're just hanging on by a very fine thread?

Also known as "just because I'm still in the air doesn't mean I'm not crashing down"

Swykk
04-25-2016, 08:44 AM
I've been slowly but surely retraining my brain to think differently (more positively)coupled with regular exercise. I think it is working. I've been trying to avoid getting back on antidepressants as the one I know works for me is of course one my insurance wants to gouge me on (@Sarah_K tried to get me a work around awhile back but it sadly didn't pan out) and a lot of the others (as in the ones I tried) give me awful side effects and/or just don't work at all. It's been a long last few years but I think I'm making progress. I know I am. And, in related good news, I did these food sensitivity blood work labs to see if something or multiple somethings in my diet are causing all the trouble I've had over the last decade and it turns out it was! I've been slowly transitioning out of a vegetarian diet (I was for 18 years), and while I haven't nor will I likely eat meat a lot, eliminating soy and wheat has really done wonders for my physical health. I'm still learning. It'll take time. But I'm finally feeling better.

kleiner
04-27-2016, 12:34 AM
Not great at all lately. I don't know what to call it but I'm doing the thing where I think about things on a very large scale a lot and shitting out thousands of words in word docs and iphone notes of how and why everything is awful and people are completely empty vapid hopeless hollow idiots and how I'm no better. Lots and lots of extremely depressive observations and feelings. Lots of anxiety around people and complete disinterest in doing anything but working. All I enjoy lately is working because it gives my brain something to do other than be itself. Even writing this all I can think is how pointless it is and how I'll just get told to flush more money down the toilet on meds that don't help me and therapists I can't afford who have never helped after two years of on and off treatment and debt.

Also lots and lots of fun with body dysmorphia again after having a brief period of thinking less about it, so hooray there. I couldn't hate my skin more and it feels like being trapped inside of a prison all day every day that is impossible to get out of. I hate my body and hate having one at all and can't think of a single thing that would keep me from being physically uncomfortable and unhappy with being something physical. I don't know how to articulate it in a way that doesn't sound silly and stupid and embarrassing. I just hate having to have a container at all and could not feel less like it's me then I already do. Any time I look at myself I know it isn't who I am at all.

nihilimo
04-28-2016, 04:35 PM
the doctors and parents call it "schizoid". there's more to it than a simple label, though. if you know what i mean.

Volband
04-28-2016, 04:37 PM
HOW. DO. YOU. HANDLE. THIS. PRESSURE.

I'm just so done, like over-clocked by a mile. I bet that's not even an expression, but jokes on me, I was to study English major in the university, but shit happened, and now, ~6 or I don't even know how many years later I'm just happy I still remember some fancy words. Anyway, I always took pride in "just taking it", but when my fucking body, or to be more precise, my brain shuts me down, well, turns out willpower < chemicals in your brain. I learned it the hard way, I mean, I had a scary fucking 3 minutes not too long ago.

Like, in a way, I shouldn't/couldn't even post here, because I don't think I'm actually, like clinically suffer from depression, or whatever. I'm just simply depressed because I'm a fucking goon, and I couldn't even care less about cleaning my room (I'm pretty sure there are expired food boxes all over it, I can't walk a meter without stepping into something), let alone keeping my social circle intact. Though, to be fair, as far as taking responsibilities go, it's not JUST on me. I wonder if I can ask the nurses in the asylum to sew that quote on my shiny, white robe.

So yeah, pressure. I have a severe case of oneitis (when you are idolizing a girl [or boy, whatever guys] waaaaaaay too much), like, I won't even say for how long, we are talking about a long time. A LONG TIME. Long story short, we talked again recently, and after the initial rush of good feelings, it's just like all the recovery (from heartbreak) I went through landed in the bin, and I'm still back to square 0, where I'm over the top for someone who doesn't feel that way. Whatever, it's not the important part now, I did not come here to whine about a girl, just giving you some perspective why I was agitated to begin with recently.

But the thing that just knocked me over is that training course I got enlisted into, which basically means I get promoted if I finish it, but we are talking about a veeery long (ends in early-mid next year) and veeeery hard course. Like, okay, I was a literal waste of space for some time now, so I was happy for this, like hey, it's a wake up call, now I finally have to do something, neat! But then the shit that came with it and I HAVENT EVEN STARTED. I'm being told that there were 3 of us who wanted to go to this course, but the boss selected ME, he put his faith in ME, and I also know that someone close to my boss is a distant relative of mine, so she probably had something to with ME being able to go now. And the boss told me a million times that I have to finish it, he trusts in me, asked me 100 times if I can do it, yeah, like I'm going to say no, what the hell. All I wanted to do is try, because right now I'm doing a job a monkey could do, so I have nothing to lose, but it's just can't be this easy, can it? Co-workers coming to me, asking about it, "ooh, I heard you're going to be [name of the rank]!", "oh, mr [name of the rank]!", and some of them wishing me luck and of course talking like it's 100% I'm going to finish it, despite literally we have a huge shortage in that job, because people are just massacred at the course. Also, who the hell CALLS me to tell me he's wishing luck to me? Sure, first it felt good, then I realized that I would actually be his boss if I finish... makes sense now.
Whatevs, I could somehow keep motivating myself that I will get the hang of the course, but today I'm told there will be a 4 hours long test on the very first day of the course, to see my basic knowledge about the work, and if it's insufficent, then bye-bye. That's right, I'm treated like fucking Frodo with the Ring, and there is a chance I will literally drop out the very first day, because I'm writing a test I don't know any details about. I just want to start walking away and never stop. But nah, I have to go to work tomorrow, and listen to people pestering me about this 0-24. Volband, you'll make it for sure!! Will you be working at this station when you finish it? You're a smart guy!! You're still young!! nononono, just SHUT UP and let me sit on my ass for 10 minutes without getting reminded that the whole world is watching me.

There. I usually delete these after I type them out, but as I said, I scared myself good earlier, so right now, having this clusterfuck of a post for the ages doesn't seem so bad compared to wanting to break my skull in two from the invisible fear. I also wish she wrote. I'm rotting on Skype so she might resume our conversation from earlier this day. How sad is that?

aggroculture
05-11-2016, 02:10 PM
Friend of mine is having a crisis and emotionally dumping on me. I pointed this out but she exploded even more, saying I am a hypocrite because I emotionally dumped on her...ten years ago. Don't really know how to respond to defuse the situation: she's on the war path now and all riled up and I am the bad guy. She recently split up with her bf who had been treating her like shit for years and she is now losing her job...and taking this shit out on me.

Amaro
05-21-2016, 12:12 PM
This isn't directly related to the thread, but I suffer from some things, and am aimless in life, and this speech opened my head and heart:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVsXO9brK7M

perceptionnexus
05-30-2016, 04:35 PM
https://happyquirkyhealthy.wordpress.com/2016/05/30/my-cup-overfloweth-living-with-an-emotionally-full-cup/

My wife just wrote a pretty solid piece on her struggles with BPD, if anyone wants to read it

playwithfire
06-02-2016, 12:08 AM
Pretty depressed today. I guess the bright side of this (as I currently feel like shit) is that depression happens rarely enough for me that it throws me off, when it does. So that's something to be grateful for, once I get past feeling miserable and full of self-loathing and :( :( :( I'm not sure why I do, if I fucked up taking my pill (hormonal bc) or what, but ugh.

Jinsai
06-09-2016, 05:51 PM
I'm running into a giant black hole of wild depression... I watch commercials and feel like I'm going to break down crying... Everything is awful... Everything is convincing, everything is hopeless. Nothing feels subtle or nuanced. Everything feels overblown and mundane. It feels like nothing could ever be good or bad again. I feel like I'm getting through constant contradictions... I feel pestered and nagged but lonely, exhausted. Fucking exhausted.

Bachy
06-10-2016, 04:13 AM
So this girl I've been texting from Tinder told me today she OD'd because well, life is shit. I called the cops. I can't help but feel responsible since this was hours after I broke our date.

aggroculture
07-19-2016, 10:12 AM
This summer my anxiety has been off the charts.
I really need some me time, some alone time, to recharge and find myself again, and I'm not getting it, and I'm paying the price.

Jinsai
08-13-2016, 02:49 AM
not even sure if this is the right place to put this... But I've had some borderline manic episodes lately. Nothing awful or dangerous or fucked up, just breaking down and hysterically feeling like "all is lost." One second, everything is alright and I'm happy, or at least not miserable, and then I get hit by something insane... Suddenly I find myself crying. It's been happening out of nowhere, and so I understand how it's disconcerting to a friendly conversation.... suddenly, I'll look like (as someone explained it to me) I had a gun pointed to my head and "I was ok with it," and start crying. How this has spilled over into my professional connections is unfortunate, and that doesn't help. It's really rare, but when it hits, it's terrifying and very hard to explain...

I wonder some times if my close friends are having their patience tried, and maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I've tried the drugs. They don't work, or they work for a limited time, and then backfire. I really wish I could find a drug that fixed this. It's just getting worse and worse.

Rdm
08-13-2016, 04:27 AM
I'm just now climbing my way out of hell, depression . Maybe the worst depression I have ever had, and that's saying a lot. I know this is a super cliche thing to say but I promise at some point it will pass. Last year I was asking my friend after 6 months of my depression " do you think this is ever going pass, I literally can't work right now " of course as a friend he states of " of course, everything changes " . I was back and forth with my doctor the whole 6 months and the medication that helped my anxiety was Amitriptyline. So at that point my anxiety is good and my depression was a little better but I was still feeling like a 3/10 in depression. My doctor decides to test my blood testosterone and it comes back as the test couldn't even register any testosterone in my blood. I took it for 2 weeks and I feel back to my baseline- 7/10, I will take that.

I know this may not be the answer for you but I have been through many dark times in my life and every time I was able to claw my way out and it will be the same for you too, just keep going forward and keep checking in with your Dr. Stay around the people that love you and give your self a break from the stress, if you need to. I had to take a couple months off of work and that really helped too. Do what you got to do and lean on the people you have in your life .

Jinsai
08-13-2016, 04:28 PM
yeah, sometimes it gets so bad it goes beyond mental... like it actually becomes physically unpleasant and I get the energy sucked out of me. Yesterday morning I tried to push back against that, so I woke up early, went jogging, then went swimming, push ups, tried to stay busy working on music, and I woke up today feeling like I'd been hit by a bus.

Cat Mom
08-14-2016, 01:43 PM
Jinsai, the same thing has happened to me, it comes out of nowhere, thoughts that dying wouldn't be so bad, sobbing jags, and it can happen when there's really nothing terrible in my life; I mean, in comparison to others out there, I had a lot for which to be grateful; I've chalked it up to a chemical imbalance, and oddly enough I've learned that accepting it, rolling with it (safely, rejecting the dying part), feeling it like a need to just PURGE everything out of my pores, seems to work, and then *POOF* it just passes. It's like one day you wake up and ... it's gone. Like a mental douche. It seems that rejecting it only made it worse for me, but I still had to *function*, but like Rdm said, I cleared out some stress, limited my schedule as much as possible, allowed my feelings to just "happen," and I spent a lot of time SLEEPING (that seemed to help a lot too) and then I guess my psyche had enough of all that and I literally woke up one day and it was gone. I'm sending some positive vibes your way ...

The analogy of the feelings I had at the time was that I was floating in a boat with no oars, just lying in this boat, with no oars, no direction, no idea where I would land, where I was going, just totally lost, and floating, and like everything was totally fucking pointless and if you looked up the word "despair" in the dictionary, I felt every part of it. Full and utter despair. And, worse yet, like nobody around me "got it" except may this one cat I have who would come up and lick my face when I cried.

The last time it happened, though, I did a lot of thinking about it and I think I had a lot of things going on that I hadn't really thought about, a lot more pressure on myself than I could handle, changes in my life that I needed to make, juggling stuff, unhappy aspects of my career and life, decisions I needed to make ... and had not realized it but I think my psyche DID and I think it sent up a white flag and that sobbing depressed jag was the white flag? Dunno, but it led to some big changes.

Jinsai
08-14-2016, 06:16 PM
@Jinsai (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=272), the same thing has happened to me, it comes out of nowhere, thoughts that dying wouldn't be so bad, sobbing jags, and it can happen when there's really nothing terrible in my life; I mean, in comparison to others out there, I had a lot for which to be grateful; I've chalked it up to a chemical imbalance, and oddly enough I've learned that accepting it,

yeah, when it's all chemical I have tricks to get through it... My best one is to throw on a song that you'd feel ridiculous moping to... Something really ridiculous and maudlin, like Total Eclipse of the Heart or the theme song to the Karate Kid part 2.

Doesnt work if if the whole thing is compounded by real drama and stress though...

Cat Mom
08-14-2016, 08:29 PM
yeah, when it's all chemical I have tricks to get through it... My best one is to throw on a song that you'd feel ridiculous moping to... Something really ridiculous and maudlin, like Total Eclipse of the Heart or the theme song to the Karate Kid part 2.

YES!! I once listened to maudlin Frank Sinatra albums for, like, 3 whole days. Like, "Frank Sinatra Sings for Only the Lonely" and "In the Wee Small Hours."

Like, I must've played this 50x:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkwdkUXQ1yo

But, yeah, mine was complicated by stress, too. I didn't REALIZE how much stress until I really thought about it. I have always been inundated with stress, but people always say "oh, she can handle it" and then they're disappointed in me if it seems like I'm ripping at the seams and I can't. When I told my Mom I was full of this despair, she said "you're not gonna drop out of school, are you?!" Oh, no, of course not, I'm the overachiever, remember? I'll graduate Magna Cum Laude with a gun to my head! Thanks for your "concern" though. (eye roll)

And then I just keep truckin' on through it. Through the depression, too. It too shall pass, that's my motto.

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon.

Jinsai
08-15-2016, 03:58 AM
it all passes, I've been feeling better... Despite lunatic horseshit going on in my personal sphere that I'm sure wouldn't benefit my mental state to share here. It's a perfect storm when stress gets the best of you, and you fall into a depressive cycle, and then some really bad shit happens. On some level, I have to wonder if training yourself to just block all of that out is an idiot's guide to becoming a sociopath... It's best when you recognize the real aspects that make it so bad to give it special attention.

When I'm dealing with some heavy shit, where it's not just me upset, but everyone around me... ok, here we are again... but this time, I can't just dodge out and watch the "You could be a man!" scene from Godfather while listening to Lisa Loeb's "stay" (which has smacked me right out of so many depressive funks... worst. song. ever)..

I'm feeling better, though today I'm beat. I worked 10 hours today (if you count driving) in the sun, with interludes doing heavy physical labor. Right now, I'm lying in front of the TV, treating a deep gash wound on my leg with hydrogen peroxide and neosporin, and trying to figure out how to distract myself.... and nothing stupid seems right. That's the weird gambit when I'm noticing that I'm in a mode that's "sensitive" to upsetting shit... I can't watch something super bleak, as much as I want to watch the new episode of "The Night Of."

Living in my head is, generally, a miserable place. I need to get better at running away from that in general.

playwithfire
08-16-2016, 01:39 PM
If anyone needs me, I'll be over here, slowly alienating people through my self-imposed isolation.

I don't even know what to do about it. I *like* being alone. I *want* to be alone. Sure, I still see folks, I'm still social, but in some big ways I've withdrawn.

I can't feel like my increased introversion (I was already introverted) and the level of happiness solitude brings me is bad. It makes me feel good, it can't be bad, right?

Swykk
08-16-2016, 03:23 PM
Edit--And as things fell apart, nobody paid much attention....

aggroculture
10-23-2016, 10:26 AM
When you've been overwhelmed with things to do for a long time, and neglected to check in on yourself, and suddenly it all comes crashing at you.

Ruined
10-24-2016, 12:57 AM
I’m not normally one to post personal thoughts on various challenges I face. However, in this instance, I’m making an exception. This last year has been a tough one: My struggle with depression and an anxiety disorder led me to isolate myself. It got so bad that I rarely left the house save for the random errand or doctor’s appointment. I literally went weeks without seeing the sun, trapped in my four-walled world. It is a terrible thing to be a prisoner of one’s own mind. Further, it's amazing how one week can turn into a year if you let it. Well, last Friday that all changed: I made the effort to break out of this cell and starting living, again. So, with that, I made the 2 hour trek to San Francisco to see a band I had wanted to see for years: Health. The irony of their name is not lost on me. The drive was quite a struggle and I thought of quitting my journey and heading back to my room several times in those 2 hours. But, instead, I pushed through. As a result, I met some really cool guys and shared one of the best concert experiences of my life. I’ve still got a lot of work to do, but, I took the most important step: The first one. So, not only did I make a great memory, but, I also proved something to myself. I can now build on it and, when I feel anxious, remember that things turned out well when I pushed past my mental issues. So, for those struggling with their own mental health issues, I strongly encourage you to seek professional help. Fuck the stigma society puts on it; it’s a health issue and should be treated accordingly. Further, for those already receiving professional treatment, I encourage you to keep pushing through and live the life you hope to lead. I know it’s not easy, but, it’s fucking worth it. So, thanks for reading this; I hope it helps those of you who face these challenges. I’m pulling for you; be well.

elevenism
11-11-2016, 11:03 PM
i have fallen into a fucking black hole y'all.
i feel worthless. i feel like my life is pretty much over.
i had a kind of breakdown a couple of nights ago where i talked about suicide and scared the shit out of everybody.

I will not kill myself, but y'all, i am fucking broken.

I no longer feel joy. I do not make music.

I have to find a way out of this. One obvious problem is that i have been missing a lot of medication doses. I am taking them right at this time though. Perhaps i can rise above this bullshit.

I think i need a lecture from you allegro ;P

Swykk
11-27-2016, 07:54 AM
I have to work on letting go and that some things can't be fixed and don't deserve my time and effort, as it's not valued and doesn't end up mattering. I should instead spend this on more positive endeavors. I get so sucked into fixing things, often things that it ends up dragging me down into a very negative space. I have a bad habit of letting the wrong people affect me. So additionally, I need to give myself a break and be kinder to myself. I don't have the level of esteem and confidence most people have and I think this is what allows this negative cycle to continue. This entire month has been a terrible one as far as I've had numerous panic attacks, the most since 2010 when my ex cheated on me and filed for divorce.
Lots to figure out here but I will continue to get better.

elevenism
11-28-2016, 11:04 AM
I don't have the level of esteem and confidence most people have and I think this is what allows this negative cycle to continue. This entire month has been a terrible one as far as I've had numerous panic attacks

I FEEL you, Swykk . We are in the famous proverbial Same Boat.

eversonpoe
12-05-2016, 11:20 AM
last night, i had the worst panic attack i've had in YEARS. my arms/hands were doing repetitive motions that i could not control, i could barely breathe except for when i was bawling, i couldn't talk, i couldn't move my legs. it was horrible and terrifying and it's the first time my wife has ever witnessed me like that. but, seriously, thank goodness she was there, because i don't know what would have happened otherwise.

i don't know what the actual root cause was, but it started because we changed our dinner plans. we were originally going to make veggie burgers and sweet potato, but there were a ton of dishes and we were both exhausted, so we decided to order something in. it took 45 minutes to finally settle on domino's pizza (we have it very rarely as a special treat), and by the time we tried to complete our order, they had stopped doing delivery because of the snow. at that point, i just started crying and that led into my panic attack, which lasted a full 30 minutes.

i recovered and managed to eat (we had frozen pizza) and not lapse back into it, but i can still feel it humming under my skin. it probably didn't help that i had a hyper-realistic dream about my abusive ex forcing me into a sexual situation and just not sleeping well in general. feeling very fragile today.

ninEater
12-28-2016, 02:50 PM
Hiya. I used to be around here a lot and those who've known me over the years have seen me drop in and out. I have had a very physically and emotionally erratic life and I always thought it was due to growing up in a military family, moving around every 2 years. But in early Spring 2016, I had a total mental health breakdown and was diagnosed with Bipolar I rapid cycling, PTSD and Dermatillomania. Turns out I had been on medication for depression that was actually making me experience more mania. Now, 9 months later, I am still trying to nail down my best medication mix. I also have taken on the torch of mental health advocacy and destigmatization. Losing Carrie Fisher yesterday was especially terrible because when I found out I had Bipolar, I viewed her as a hero and proof that success with this mental disorder is possible. Anyways, I am here if anyone needs an ear.

-Karla

kel
12-30-2016, 02:41 AM
ninEater, thank you for your post.

i was diagnosed with bipolar II when i was 29 (7 years ago). i've read up on and done tons of research on hypomania and the difference in bp types, but i still don't fully get it. i only get *up* episodes like once a year. the *down* shit never seems to cease. you seem like you know your shit. is this normal? my doctor says yes, but i don't see how that makes for a functional adulthood.

edit: and i've now been on quietiapine for just as long. nothing else. i've been on a ton of others, benzos and whatnot. any insight into that would be welcome, too.

ninEater
01-07-2017, 06:51 PM
kel, thanks for reaching out. everyone is different and I am not a doctor, but I will share what I can. Your dX of Bipolar II with Hypomania seems correct to me. In Bipolar II, the afflicted person experiences hypomania instead of full-blown mania. Hypomania is a mild form of mania marked by elation or increased goal-oriented activity, hyperactivity. These hypomanic states are pretty rare, maybe once or twice a year, but hypomania alternates with states of extreme depression.

So, to answer your question, yes, what you are experiencing appears to be textbook Bipolar II disorder. Whether it makes for a functional adulthood isn't relevant to the question. That's not to say it isn't valid, it's just a different type of query. My personal opinion regarding one's ability to function in these states it too colored by my personal Bipolar I experiences.

I'm currently taking 200mg Lamotrigine/day, 40mg Duloxetine/day, 1-2mgs Lorazepam/day. Lamotrigine is an anticonvulsant used for seizure control and is very common in Bipolar treatment. Duloxetine is a SNRI (Seratonin-Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor) used to treat Depression. Lorazepam is a benzodiazepine that aids in calming panic attacks, anxiety, and helps sleep.

I am sorry, I know nothing about quietiapine.

HWB
02-11-2017, 06:23 PM
Does high functioning autism count? I know it's kind of a meme and people are usually not believed when they say they have it, but I am actually diagnosed and have it on paper, so I guess I have that.

Not sure if that belongs here, so feel free to skip this, I have a lot of questions upon where I am upon the autistic spectrum, I am diagnosed with asperger's syndrome.

It has affected me ever since the beginning of life and still is and always will. There was no tipping point, teacher in high school just noticed my behaviour and means of expressing myself strange. And then I went to psychologist and got officially diagnosed. I could have gotten this diagnosis long time ago and it would have saved me a lot of issues, because I was wrongly diagnosed as a kid, they thought I had a mild form of mental retardation. Which hurt me in the long run in school.

There was a sense of relief, over the course of entirety of my life I thought I was a dumbass for not understanding certain social rules. The habbits I've made for myself, overall, I always found that taking care of my emotions is very difficult, seemingly more than for other people, I noticed that this seems to be a common train amongs autistic people, it seems like autism affects and has far more symptoms than wikipedia could ever tell you, it affects stuff like sensetivity, the way you hear things, apparently people without autism can focus on one sound, yet I hear absolutely everything, if there is a guy talking to me I can hear the other fifty guys in the other room, the floor the guy is stepping on while he's talking to me, apparently other people don't have this, I dunno.

Nevertheless, I am scared shitless, since having autism causes me to have much smaller self-awareness in terms what could be conidered cringe worthy, I am always scared that I am making a fool out of myself and will end up in the next glorious cringe compilation or something like that, I was a very cringy kid and a teen. Just looking back to see how I was acting and the voice I said is making me ashamed. I didn't know any better, yet, sometimes I get this feeling when I just look a week back to what I did or said.


I am also close to getting a diagnosis to some kind of depression, I am not gonna say I have it, I don't have on a paper, anywhere, so I don't want to pretend like I have it, I went to my psychologist, but for some reason, she can't diagnose me and is sending me to another one who can diagnose me, yet the way she speaks, she seems to believe that I have it as well, and well, I felt like shit ever since my youth. But again, the problem may be elsewhere. I personally would be happy to get it offically diagnosed, even though I seem to fill-into every single symptom there is for a diagnosed depression.

As for tipping point, my energy, happiness and overall satisfaction of life has steadilly declined over years, I now don't enjoy much of things and the stuff I used to enjoy I get sick of that I just want to scream. My life isn't bad, I have many great things here and gained more over years, I won't lie and say that every moment of days is absolutely terrible hell, most of the time depresion doesn't feel sad, it's a feeling of looking at the world of glass where you become so disconnected from the world it does not feel real, any of it.

You start caring less and may even actually think it isn't real, then, finally, you hit the point where that other voice gets into you, the dread sets in and tells you how worthless you are, how hollow your existence is and entire world at large, it tells you how fake every one's love towards you is, how fake just joy is.

Of course, these are all lies. But you believe them, you even tell yourself in that state that it's fake, it doesn't matter, the feeling of these thoughts feels real, super real, it doesn't matter even if deep inside you know they're lies, your brain somehow believes them anyway. You start feeling bad for having these thoughts, you are questioning yourself if there is something wrong with you, you start questioning if you ARE ill..or if you are just making shit up to make excuses for being either lazy or a failure.

Then, you start losing yourself, you forget your past yorself, you forget if you ever were happy at all, attempts at discrabing your personality falls apart and you start feeling like an empty walking body without anything in it, without any impact upon anything. Give it hours, days or weeks or longer and that feeling will calm itself, it is always there, but not as strong, but sometimes, it can be intense as this.

I feel bad for writting about "depression" when I am not even fully diagnosed. These are just things I've been genuinelly experiencing, I don't feel good about writting about it, I don't even know why I am, it feels good, I guess, but it feels also wrong, I feel scared as if people are going to judge me or just tell me that I am lying to myself, so I just don't tell any one and keep this all for myself and try to pretend to be happy and positive as much as I can, both to cheer up people around me and myself. This is getting harder and harder though, it used to work but now I can barely keep that together anymore.

Naturally, I also have cases of self-harming, I thought this shit was behind me but I self-harmed by hitting myself in the head when I had a panic attack because I was being insulted and yelled at through text from a person who means everything to me, let's see, I scratched my body, hitted myself and was making a suicide plan.

I do suicide plans almost all the time, I have day dreams of me killing myself and feeling relief all the time, there is this feeling of intense frustrations, anger, sadness, I can't never get it out, I punch table, stuff around me, but nope, it stays there until it leaves without any satisfaction of relief.


I just need the diagnosis, yes/no, doesn't matter, I want answers, so I can fix myself and be better, for people I love, there are people who depend on me in ways, I can't let them down. If I know it's depression, I will feel that small sense of relief once I was diagnosed with autism, that kind of "aha, that's it". That will help me at least a little bit and then I can get started from there on a journey to somehow deal with this and calm this and live normally.


So yeah, I'm fucked up, I guess, I will either remove this in few hours, or try to pretend I didn't write this and share this.

theimage13
02-11-2017, 06:35 PM
I will either remove this in few hours, or try to pretend I didn't write this and share this.

In that case, I won't quote the full post. I think the only way anybody here will judge you is positively, for being open and honest about yourself and your struggles. You're not alone.

The mere fact that you can articulate how you feel AND that you're seeing someone to talk about is great. There are many people who know these feelings as well, but who try to hide them and keep them a secret and it only makes things worse in the long run.

I'm not a psychologist, I've never taken a single course in psychology or behavioral studies, but I've got my own mental health issues and I know that things can feel like they're snowballing. Keep taking the positive steps you're already taking. If that includes sharing here, by all means, share as little or as much as you're comfortable with. You said you have a lot of questions. Worst case, there's probably someone here who's felt the same and can at least respond to those questions with what they've learned and experienced themselves.

HWB
02-11-2017, 06:39 PM
In that case, I won't quote the full post. I think the only way anybody here will judge you is positively, for being open and honest about yourself and your struggles. You're not alone.

The mere fact that you can articulate how you feel AND that you're seeing someone to talk about is great. There are many people who know these feelings as well, but who try to hide them and keep them a secret and it only makes things worse in the long run.

I'm not a psychologist, I've never taken a single course in psychology or behavioral studies, but I've got my own mental health issues and I know that things can feel like they're snowballing. Keep taking the positive steps you're already taking. If that includes sharing here, by all means, share as little or as much as you're comfortable with. You said you have a lot of questions. Worst case, there's probably someone here who's felt the same and can at least respond to those questions with what they've learned and experienced themselves.

Thank you very much, I don't think I will remove this, I think I will keep it here, one of the biggest reasons why I am so scared to share this stuff since I am afraid the person who means so much to me will find this stuff, I don't know why, but if they were ever to see this other part of me, I don't know what I'd do, it scares me. They're very depressed themselves and have some really awful moods that I can't get them out of, the best I can do is to remain positive for their well being.

But I don't think they will step their food in here...

....I listened to so much Nine Inch Nails they told me they are disgusted in the band, so! I guess this place is safe, lol.

Cat Mom
02-11-2017, 08:33 PM
HWB, you don't have to be officially "diagnosed" to know how you feel; nobody is a better judge of how you feel than you. An expert can confirm it, but that's mostly for treatment options. But you know that what you feel isn't "good," and it's bothering you, and you are taking the steps to do something about it. It will take effort, but you're on the right track.

Your partner and you should discuss this, though? I don't think you should be afraid of talking with your partner. You can help each other, maybe, yes? If your partner's "really awful moods" are negatively impacting you, that's not good, either. You know what I mean?

HWB
02-11-2017, 08:50 PM
@allegro (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/members/76-allegro) I would not say they badly affect me, they affect me the way you should be affected when some one close to you is depressed or in general is going through troubles, you feel very scared for their own good and do your best to understand and put as much time as possible to get them through. It isn't a pretty feeling, but love in my eyes is being together, both in happy times and also in the dark times. So I don't think this is a problem, I would like to really thank you for taking that into consideration though.

My partner is depressed, as I am and they're an amazing person, I have discussed it with them multiple times, we always try to make each other feel better, I don't always say how I'm feeling, especially when I see them in an amazing mood, I want to join their mood, if possible and distract myself from what I am currently feeling.

Thank you all for support that has been given to me, it means a lot to me. I intend to move forward and see what other things could possibly help me, I do have a tiny bit of an idea how I'd like my future to be, the one I guess I'd be happy in, I don't have much of motivation or energy to reach it right now, I want to get properly motivateda nd push on. I am considering taking a look into anti-depressants, that is if I will have them recommended by professionals.

I have been in general slowly opening up, something that was always very trouble-some for me. I think I might be getting somewhere, at the same time I feel like I should have done this sooner, I started doing osomething only when the problem became so bad it became both very noticable and undeniable, but I guess that is normal when it comes to things like this

InsecureSpike
02-12-2017, 04:30 AM
HWB the journey to finding a stable place may seem a long one. but the fact that you've actively sought help, is one hell of a huge step, and that you are aware of your feelings etc, and also now feeling able to express these too is probably an even bigger step!

i too agree too that you should stay quiet about it, it's nothing to feel ashamed about or worried about, and in the long run, you may find that being open about it helps you more.

one thing i always suggest to people is educate your self on your illness, it can help so much!

as i think i've said before in this thread. i waited a long time before i could admit openly, that i've had issues since childhood.

i have Borderline Personality Disorder, which affects me in quite a few ways quite like Asperger's.
but i know very little about.




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Dra508
02-13-2017, 06:17 PM
in that case, i won't quote the full post. I think the only way anybody here will judge you is positively, for being open and honest about yourself and your struggles. You're not alone.

The mere fact that you can articulate how you feel and that you're seeing someone to talk about is great. There are many people who know these feelings as well, but who try to hide them and keep them a secret and it only makes things worse in the long run.

I'm not a psychologist, i've never taken a single course in psychology or behavioral studies, but i've got my own mental health issues and i know that things can feel like they're snowballing. Keep taking the positive steps you're already taking. If that includes sharing here, by all means, share as little or as much as you're comfortable with. You said you have a lot of questions. Worst case, there's probably someone here who's felt the same and can at least respond to those questions with what they've learned and experienced themselves.

this. !

Space Suicide
02-20-2017, 11:25 PM
I usually am pretty quiet on this matter as it embarrasses and infuriates me but how do you deal with an immediate family member who has paranoid schizophrenia? I can no longer take it or deal with it anymore. I am at wit's end dealing with this bullshit. I have tried to give as much patience and time as I can with trying to cope, deal with and encourage it (within reason) to pacify it. I can no longer deal with it and it has made the relationship deteriorate steadily for the probably the last 10 years at this point. Is there anyway to truly deal with this with civility? I don't know anymore.