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icecream
08-09-2014, 05:40 PM
Don't know if it should go in relationship thread or here, but when do you tell someone about your mental health situation in a relationship? I think it's probably a case by cxase basis but was just wondering how other people have handled it.

I have lots of anxiety and depression related problems, been to therapy a bunch. I think this might be off putting to some people when you first start to date. It's been going through my mind lately after I broke up with my long time girlfriend and will probably start seeing other people soon.

somethingelse
08-11-2014, 05:13 AM
Given SSRIs the flick and onto SNRIs for my chronic anxiety. Plus a *handful* of Diazepam as the new doc was not keen on handing me the prescription, even though I told him that high doses do very little to calm me.
Living with my parents again. Sigh. While it is nice to save money, it kind of hit me hard mentally - as in WTF have I done with my life. I'm sure my depression will sink in even further than it did on the drive across country, but hey at least i made it right? Even though I had thoughts of driving off the Great Australian Bight while drunk.
My father is a religious man, so we clash frequently when talking.
I hope one day to return to Melbourne. That is the goal I have set to give me something to aim for. Just have to find something to occupy my mind in the time I am here or I'm sure I'll sink deeper. Creative writing could be the go. I could write about actually committing suicide via crash drowning in a cathartic way. Though I still have that Nullarbor Nymph story kicking around in the 'ol head turds.
Thank you to the folks who were there for me, reaching out a digital hand. Big big love.

somethingelse
08-11-2014, 07:06 AM
Aaaand off topic, but I keep reading CBT as cock and ball torture and thinking 'but how will getting your balls stomped on help with your depression?'

*FIXED*

There are some very creative ways to clear the dark clouds temporarily :P

Dra508
08-11-2014, 11:58 AM
Don't know if it should go in relationship thread or here, but when do you tell someone about your mental health situation in a relationship? I think it's probably a case by cxase basis but was just wondering how other people have handled it.

I have lots of anxiety and depression related problems, been to therapy a bunch. I think this might be off putting to some people when you first start to date. It's been going through my mind lately after I broke up with my long time girlfriend and will probably start seeing other people soon.

I wouldn't lead with it, but I wouldn't keep it on the DL too long. There's a sweet spot when you want to trust and you are relatively sure they are invested.

Mutilated
08-12-2014, 04:38 PM
As soon as I told my last gf my issues she ran a mile. As in the next day I got a text and that was it. Gone like lightening. Its the last time I'll open up to people again. Heartbroken.

Charmingly Miserable
08-13-2014, 01:09 AM
Don't know if it should go in relationship thread or here, but when do you tell someone about your mental health situation in a relationship? I think it's probably a case by cxase basis but was just wondering how other people have handled it.

I have lots of anxiety and depression related problems, been to therapy a bunch. I think this might be off putting to some people when you first start to date. It's been going through my mind lately after I broke up with my long time girlfriend and will probably start seeing other people soon.
I think I told one guy the first or second time. It was more like, "You have been 5150'd too? So have I!!!!!"
I think disclosing that kind of stuff is vulnerably beautiful. If you choose to disclose that kind of stuff and the date can't handle it, then they have no business to date you. There are better people out there.

icecream
08-13-2014, 02:00 AM
Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who responded. I'll have to think about it some more and decide when I want to let it out. I was thinking slowly instead of all at once. But again, case by case basis.

TheyCallMeDrug
08-13-2014, 03:43 AM
im a hesitant liar when it comes to my emotions around anyone except myself and my wife. basic defense mechanism at this point. it worked for me in my 20's not so much in my 30's. where as my family thought I was just 'quiet' in my 20's people are 'concerned' about me now. funny thing is, I feel the same :/

Charmingly Miserable
08-13-2014, 11:57 PM
So, I've been having anxiety about going back to work and being so lonely. It got so bad, that I thought I was gonna check myself into the hospital today. Fortunately, I was able to see my therapist and we both agreed that I am in no shape to return to work. My only hurdle from getting time off of work is my psychiatrist whom I haven't seen in over two years. I see him next week. I hope things go well for me. I am not suicidal but I'm pretty low. Feeling the way I feel sucks hard. It's painful. I wish I had a hug right now.

elevenism
08-14-2014, 12:01 AM
i hope you get to feeling better, @Charmingly Miserable (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=3645) .
are you taking any psych meds? are you having full-on panic attacks?

edit: i used to get TERRIBLE anxiety about going to work and i would wind up calling in. It happened so much that it made us poor!
I know the feeling.

Swykk
08-14-2014, 12:03 AM
I'm not too far off from your scenario. I finally get in to a psychiatrist in a week. Been waiting a long month. We both need to just make it a week. We can. We will.

Charmingly Miserable
08-14-2014, 12:12 AM
i hope you get to feeling better, @Charmingly Miserable (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=3645).
are you taking any psych meds? are you having full-on panic attacks?
Thank you. I haven't been on any meds since January 2012 and I've never felt better. My depression is situational and I am not sure if meds will do. I just want my psych to write me a note so I can have time off from work while I continue my therapy with my therapist and such. I'm scared.

elevenism
08-14-2014, 12:31 AM
Thank you to the folks who were there for me, reaching out a digital hand. Big big love.
A few years ago i lost my ex, who was also my bandmate. We broke up after three uears and she wound up with someone who i considered one of my very best friends.
It was so insanely fucked up. I wanted to kill myself.
Well, this girl reached out to me on facebook. Neither of us was working, so we talked using chat on facebook CONSTANTLY: up to eight hours a day and at least a couple. She became my rock. I would DEFINITELY be dead if it wasn't for the support she gave me.

Eventually she introduced me to the woman to whom i am married.

For this reason, i want everyone to know that i am here for you.

I will talk to anyone here who is having a hard time. Sometimes being able to vent to someone who you don't know is exactly what you need.
It literally saved my life,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mte99L-oOSY

elevenism
08-14-2014, 12:35 AM
I'm not too far off from your scenario. I finally get in to a psychiatrist in a week. Been waiting a long month. We both need to just make it a week. We can. We will.

Sorry for the double post, but YES!
We should take care of each other here. We can be a great support system for one another.

"don't cry...you're not alone...don't cry tonight...don't cry...you'll always be loved. Don't be so hard on yourself...those tears are for someone else."

-Seal

Dra508
08-14-2014, 10:50 AM
I think friends and family are all well and good for a support system, but they can just mirror your own opinions about yourself and your situation. A therapist, an outside objective observer with education in many pysch/social behaviors and diagnostic abilities is extremely useful. The internet or drugs can not replace this. There is no shame in going to a therapist and talking through what's going on in your life and how to handle it. @Charmingly Miserable (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=3645) is clearly making the good choices today to take care of herself. Bravo.


/hint hint

Digital Twilight
08-14-2014, 02:42 PM
So...

I started a new job nearly 5 weeks ago. It's working in a call centre which is probably my all time worst nightmare for a job. I've been unemplyed for over 12 months after graduating and have been unable to find any work, graduate jobs or other. Tuesday was the first day I went on the phones taking calls (4 weeks in a classroom training previously) but I ended up having an anxiety attack. I've never been much of a confident guy but I always get through things and if I'm scared to do something I try to use that as motivation to do it. For example I went to Tanzania for 7 weeks to teach first aid to high school students. I mean standing in front of a classroom is pretty scary for someone who doesn't like to be the centre of attention but I did it and it was awesome.

Regardless. I had a breakdown in work which would normally mortify me. I keep personal problems at home and I come in and do the job because that's what i'm there for. Today I went to the doctors and taken the first steps in treating my depression. I'm 29 years old but I think I've always had depression. It was only 2/3 years ago that I first realised what I had but I still continued as before and battle through because that's just how I lived my entire life. I am a very strong person but I think it's just one battle too many. I feel like i'm scratching at the walls of life and within myself, I feel trapped and claustrophobic. nothing I have tried over the past year to improve my life (Get a job, move out this house and town, start again) has paid off.

For the first time in my life I am on anti depressants and tomorrow or Monday I will be taking steps to speak to a professional. More than anything I wish there was someone to hug but it's just not possible and the two people I would want to speak to most in the world are out of the country. Sucks donkey balls. I didn't really fancy posting this on Facebook so I thought I would just post it here. Onwards and upwards.

Halo Infinity
08-15-2014, 12:53 AM
I didn't know where else to put this again, but I sometimes get immersed in this mentality.

The less mistakes you make, the happier you'll be.

I'm sure it has to do with a lot of my experiences struggling with people-pleasing and perfectionism. I've also gone over this with therapists and guidance counselors in my past, and it just occurred to me, as I still catch myself telling myself that whenever I make mistakes that I'd deem to be shameful, disgraceful, reprehensible and depressing.

*Any kindness, support and advice was always appreciated and will still be appreciated. I suppose I just need to chill again and lay low in general, so don't mind me for now. I just had too many things going off in my mind again, and when you combine that with being down in the dumps, that's anything but good.*

elevenism
08-15-2014, 06:08 PM
@Dra508 (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=101) , i am not suggesting that supporting each other here should take the place of professional help...just that it can be a good weapon, however small, against these problems.

And i am going to try to get some kind of talk therapy.
@Kris (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=244) , what's going on? PM me if you get a chance.

I damn sure appreciate you. You are ALWAYS there for me man.

Halo Infinity
08-15-2014, 09:33 PM
And i am going to try to get some kind of talk therapy.
@Kris (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=244) , what's going on? PM me if you get a chance.

I damn sure appreciate you. You are ALWAYS there for me man.
Thank you, but I just thought of clearing my mind again, and just reflect and even hide if it goes to that point. (I'm kind of doing that right now, but I also still like to socialize from time to time even if it's just the Internet.)

In a nutshell, I was overthinking things as well as my screw ups and regrets, while being in between feeling lonely and wanting to be alone. And then there's me not really having that much or even any friends and family in real life and it can all sometimes seem a bit too unreal, especially when I don't know who to go to or who to trust, or what exactly I'd want out of life, while not always being comfortable in my own skin. It makes it worse when conflict and drama causes such losses as well. Forgetting things and letting things go was always a constant battle, challenge and struggle for me as well. It just inevitably leads me to just feel out of it from time to time.

*Forgiveness and trust are just hard for me, and not just to others, but also to myself, and I even thought that I was over it, but I still have a lot to work on yet again. I'm positive it's one of the reasons why I've isolated myself when it went beyond me just feeling down/confused.*

And not that it's always anything that serious either, as even I'd have to admit that's sometimes "just life" as some people go away/not get along for whatever reason, and then there's also the fact that there always isn't an answer, an explanation, a solution to everything in life, let alone a purpose. (Which reminds me why I sometimes shouldn't even bother tying to fix and/or undo anything, or run/hide, and why it's sometimes better to just deal with it and move on.) Anyway, I just thought I'd leave it at that for now, and would still like to thank you for your concern and offer for PMs and all even though I don't do private messaging and visitor messaging these days.

*Sorry, I'm saying too much again. All right, now I'm done with this thread, and hopefully for quite a while, if not for good already.*

elevenism
08-15-2014, 11:38 PM
well it looks as though my dear friend elizabeth has killed herself.
she changed her facebook photo to a picture of a woman shooting herself, with a gun in her mouth and the back of her head blown off.

her husband is one of my closest and oldest friends. he called me needing support. they had been having problems.

she took a big bunch of something...apparently the paramedics worked on her for close to 45 minutes before taking her to the hospital.

so when people cry out for help, take that shit seriously!

elevenism
08-16-2014, 01:12 AM
well, she died. I am headed to Colorado to get her husband. He doesn't have any family left.
Thank god we are all here (my wife and i, my brother and his wife and my mom.)

We will be there for him and get him to dallas, where her body is.

Cat Mom
08-16-2014, 03:13 AM
That is awful, very sad.

elevenism
08-16-2014, 06:07 PM
i'm not trying to be a drama queen here or look for sympathy.
i just thought it fit.
we are surrounding her husband Aramis with love, our family love.
we made him sit bitch and my brother and i held him tight the whole way back from colorado springs.
i feel like we are doing a very good deed.

Baphomette
08-16-2014, 06:35 PM
"sit bitch"????

Dra508
08-16-2014, 10:44 PM
"sit bitch"????

I believe that is an American colloquialism for sitting in the middle of the back seat. So quiche.

Charmingly Miserable
08-17-2014, 12:56 AM
I'm in a bad place right now. It hurts so much. That's all I have to say.

Digital Twilight
08-17-2014, 03:45 AM
I'm in a bad place right now. It hurts so much. That's all I have to say.

Hold on tight. You'll come through. We always do.

Always here if you need me.

ophelia_
08-17-2014, 08:58 PM
I'm in a bad place right now. It hurts so much. That's all I have to say.

*cuddles* sending lots of love your way, missy. x

Swykk
08-17-2014, 10:14 PM
I am the fucking worst.

Charmingly Miserable
08-17-2014, 11:39 PM
@ Everyone: Thanks for the support. I need a fucking hug and a half.

I had a pretty sad night last night. I just spent hours crying again, feeling left out on life. This blows.

elevenism
08-18-2014, 12:08 AM
I believe that is an American colloquialism for sitting in the middle of the back seat. So quiche.

yeah, shit.
i didn't think about how sexist that is before i typed it.
i'm sorry.

and hold on Charmingly Miserable

Cat Mom
08-18-2014, 12:52 AM
@ Everyone: Thanks for the support. I need a fucking hug and a half.

I had a pretty sad night last night. I just spent hours crying again, feeling left out on life. This blows.
An old sage client of mine used to say to me, "remember, crying is like a mental douche." It can clean everything out so you can start fresh.

somethingelse
08-18-2014, 02:19 AM
I'm in a bad place right now. It hurts so much. That's all I have to say.

Much much love and HUGE squishy hugs just for you!

Digital Twilight
08-18-2014, 04:25 AM
My anxiety has gotten the better of me this morning. I've called in sick but since I'm on a probabtion period I'm likely to be laid off. I simply don't think I can do the job but there's no reason why I can't. It's just talking to people on the phone, I've done much worse and scarier things than that.

I'm so screwed.

elevenism
08-18-2014, 03:09 PM
My anxiety has gotten the better of me this morning. I've called in sick but since I'm on a probabtion period I'm likely to be laid off. I simply don't think I can do the job but there's no reason why I can't. It's just talking to people on the phone, I've done much worse and scarier things than that.

I'm so screwed.

i've been through that shit a LOT.
same kind of job too, telephone.
I would wake up and literally be scared to go. it's so crazy because you, well, i, i KNEW that it was ridiculous.
and then after a few hours i would calm down and wish i had gone to work.
when my anxiety was at its worst, i would miss at least one day of work a week due to it, and sometimes i would call in the whole week.

Pillfred
08-18-2014, 08:25 PM
Apparently I must seem pretty down in the dumps as i got a wellness check from the police the other morning. I have been kind of down for various reasons and work was weighing on me pretty good. But i guess i said something that weirded my buddy out, though I'm sure some of it stemmed from his recent incident hitting a low spot. That said think ill take it as a sign that maybe i should get moving alone and not just sit idle. I think that was a big part of why i didn't like my job, I'm too old for that kind of environment. I also think i may start going to counseling again as it's been some time. The kid i talked with at the colleges family services was decent and i may go back there but there is a place just up the road from my apartment which is much closer to home that I'm going to look into. I figure it can't hurt.

Sarah K
08-18-2014, 08:28 PM
I am a FUCKING MESS today.

Digital Twilight
08-20-2014, 05:12 PM
So I have to resign from my job. The first job I've had since graduating over a year ago and I am simply unable to do it. They said I can reapply in 3 months if I feel like I can come back but otherwise it's back to unemployment. Pretty shit in all honesty but what choice do I have? The anxiety simply leaves me unable to do the job.

somethingelse
08-20-2014, 10:36 PM
anxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietya nxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyan xietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanx iety
Purposely missed my service provider and doc appointment. HUZZAH! Everything's crushing down Milhouse.

Sarah K
08-24-2014, 02:36 PM
I've been in my bed since 5:00pm on Friday.

somethingelse
08-25-2014, 11:16 AM
I'm beginning to think of suicide again. Well not just think, but formulate plans again. I'm so tired of this mind. Tired of being alive and having to deal with life. haha and I'm not even dealing with it really. AvPD + GAD + Agoraphobia + Depression. I came here to write some long winded essay on my thoughts of it, and how I just feel hopelessly defeated and maybe people will give me good advice and support and everything just might be okay. But it's not. I've been this way for far too fucking long so clearly something is very wrong with me that can not be fixed or I can not learn to live with it or something. I don't know. I just know that I'm tired and I want this life to be done with. Over. So I don't have to think anymore. So I don't have to feel hatred for a world that just fucking sucks. Outside in. What's the fucking point? What is the fucking point, I read/watch news - I feel bad. I see people being cunts - I feel bad. I see myself being a cunt - I feel worse. I really hate this place.

Swykk
08-25-2014, 12:53 PM
I can't tell you what to do. Or what not to do. I can tell you I've been there...I AM there. I don't live for myself. I don't remember the last time I did. I do live for the people who care about me, as small as that list is becoming. I have a litany of medical issues, most parting gifts from surviving cancer as a kid. I have terrible anxiety. Poor self esteem. No confidence. Possibly body dysmorphia. Depression to the point where I enjoy the things I like less now. But I remember my friends and family. I keep going for them.
I don't know if any of this helps you but maybe it does.

Dra508
08-25-2014, 05:28 PM
so clearly something is very wrong with me that can not be fixed or I can not learn to live with it or something. I don't know. Help is available. Feeling this way is can be temporary. Hang on please.

Sarah K
08-25-2014, 05:35 PM
I finally got out of bed this afternoon! Went to see a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist.

I told her the Prozac that I previously took took away my sad feelings, but is also took away my good feelings. I basically just didn't feel any emotions while on it, and my vagina lost interest in like everything. Left with a prescription for Wellbutrin, which I've never tried before. I am curious to see what happens, though. She said that it can assist with the ADD as well, which makes me happy. I have taken stimulants for ADD in the past, but would like to avoid it as much as possible due to my history of abusing stimulants. Slippery slope and all. And she said this one shouldn't make my vagina sad like the others.

Also starting therapy, which I have never done as an adult outside of a relationship context. I think it went as well as it could have, aside from the fucking waiting.

theruiner
08-25-2014, 05:41 PM
You ever cry so hard you start hyperventilating? Yeah. Did that Friday night. Just started thinking about the major things that are going wrong right now, and how horrible everything feels, and the depression plus probably teh evil hormones just did me in. I was sobbing and just could not stop.

I would say I'm better now but I'm really not. I'm just not having a freak out right now. Good days and bad and all that. Fortunately I have a therapy appointment in a little less than two hours so I will have to run this all past her.

Baphomette
08-25-2014, 06:11 PM
I finally got out of bed this afternoon! Went to see a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist.

I told her the Prozac that I previously took took away my sad feelings, but is also took away my good feelings. I basically just didn't feel any emotions while on it, and my vagina lost interest in like everything. Left with a prescription for Wellbutrin, which I've never tried before. I am curious to see what happens, though. She said that it can assist with the ADD as well, which makes me happy. I have taken stimulants for ADD in the past, but would like to avoid it as much as possible due to my history of abusing stimulants. Slippery slope and all. And she said this one shouldn't make my vagina sad like the others.

Also starting therapy, which I have never done as an adult outside of a relationship context. I think it went as well as it could have, aside from the fucking waiting.

Did she warn you about the possible side effects of Wellbutrin?

Sarah K
08-25-2014, 06:52 PM
Nope. Waiting at pharmacy right now. I've read up a bit. Seems to be the general antidepressants side effects +seizures.

Swykk
08-25-2014, 07:10 PM
I just had a bad experience not too long ago with generic Wellbutrin as you know so please be wary. The brand worked great but became too expensive even with insurance because YAY BIG PHARMACY! I guess they can just switch the brands of generics on you, and that's not wrong.

Baphomette
08-25-2014, 07:12 PM
It can severely increase depression and suicidal thoughts, more so than any other antidepressant. I hope it works for you but just keep that in the back of your head if you start having increased swings.

Sarah K
08-25-2014, 07:42 PM
I haven't actually wanted to kill myself for like 5 years or so... When I was getting sober. I did some minor cutting on my legs back then, but I've never done anything to actively hurt myself or anything. Now, my thoughts circle around WHAT IF I die, and various ways I can die - most of which are pretty unreasonable. I think I just suffer from anxiety more than depression. My brain never fucking stops. But then, when bouts of depression hit, they hit hard. Like now, when I spend days on end in bed. That isn't like my normal self at all.

Baphomette
08-25-2014, 07:55 PM
I haven't actually wanted to kill myself for like 5 years or so...Wellbutrin might change that. I had such horrible experiences with that drug, I can't help but warn people about it.

Sarah K
08-25-2014, 09:21 PM
Well, I waited at the pharmacy for goddamn ever. Then they were like LOL YOUR INSURANCE WON'T COVER IT LOL. And they couldn't sub in a generic for some dumb shit reason. So I guess I'll get to spend like 3 hours on the phone tomorrow.

aggroculture
08-25-2014, 09:35 PM
Help is available. Feeling this way is can be temporary. Hang on please.

I second this. You might feel very different about everything a day, a month, a year, five years from now. I know I feel very different than five or ten years ago. Something changed in me. I literally felt the change, from one month to the next. I may go back to that place at some point, who knows. For now I am grateful I am not there, most of the time.

somethingelse
08-25-2014, 10:34 PM
Thanks everyone.
Everything has changed in the last month for me. I moved across country after hurting someone I care for deeply and back to the same town where I came as close as I ever have to suicide, back into my parents place. I feel like a complete failure. I know things never stay the same. Last night I felt old feelings creeping back into my mind, ones that I thought I had moved on from. I am in between psychs and starting new meds. I guess the combination of these is getting to me.
I'm sorry for being so dramatic in my post and I should be more careful and aware of possible triggers for others here :(
Today is a new day, right?
I have looked at my options for study, and working on a financial plan to move out of the folks place (Again! Argh!).
Thank you again. I just needed that vent and I apologize to anyone affected negatively by it.

jessamineny
08-26-2014, 07:33 AM
It can severely increase depression and suicidal thoughts, more so than any other antidepressant. I hope it works for you but just keep that in the back of your head if you start having increased swings.

Prozac had that exact effect on me. Plus (or maybe because) it worked for a short bit, then quit. So they upped the dose. Quit working. Upped dose. Quit working. Etc.

Wellbutrin, however, was a wonder drug. I simply felt like myself.

Dra508
08-26-2014, 02:35 PM
Wellbutrin, however, was a wonder drug. I simply felt like myself.I quit smoking using Wellbutrin. No side effects. It really seems to be a person to person thing?

Sarah K
08-26-2014, 02:37 PM
It sounds like I can get a generic Wellbutrin for ~$100/month. So that's fairly reasonable.

jessamineny
08-26-2014, 04:56 PM
I wish, for your sake, that there was a Sam's Club in Manhattan. If you pay the $100/year Plus membership, you can get 3 months of generic Wellbutrin for $17 and change. (Not $17/month. All three months' worth.) That's with no insurance. I'm also on topiramate for my migraines, and it's the same price.

I know they will mail prescriptions. Maybe you can find one nearby and make the trek, and then have your prescriptions mailed after that. Might be worth the hassle, for that kind of savings.

Or maybe Costco has a similar kind of deal?

Sarah K
08-26-2014, 05:05 PM
Aw shit... I just looked up CostCo, and they have the generic for less than $40 monthly. I've never actually been to a Costco. Thanks for the info!

jessamineny
08-26-2014, 05:13 PM
Ask your boss if he's a member through the business. If he is, maybe he's not using his one additional card, and would let you have it for free. (Doubtful, but worth a shot.)

Sarah K
08-26-2014, 05:29 PM
He's out for the day already. But I actually just found a coupon for Target that makes it $27.20.

And supposedly in NY, they have to let you use the pharmacy at CostCo(and I would assume Sam's) even if you aren't a member.

jessamineny
08-26-2014, 05:33 PM
That's awesome! Though at Sam's, that $17/3 months price is only available to the Plus members. I'm sure it's still cheap for everybody else, but nowhere near that.

Joy Prevention Hotline
08-26-2014, 10:08 PM
He's out for the day already. But I actually just found a coupon for Target that makes it $27.20.

And supposedly in NY, they have to let you use the pharmacy at CostCo(and I would assume Sam's) even if you aren't a member.
I was getting Strattera through Costco's mail order pharmacy back when I didn't have prescription coverage. No membership required.

It was still expensive, but better than paying $200+ at CVS. (Now just $40 thanks to the ACA.)

Meanwhile, I can tell the nortriptyline is truly making itself at home now — my ability to spell has started going to hell. Thank God for spellcheck. :rolleyes:

Baphomette
08-27-2014, 01:32 AM
I quit smoking using Wellbutrin. No side effects. It really seems to be a person to person thing?Zyban/Wellbutrin = same med, different names.


Prozac had that exact effect on me. Plus (or maybe because) it worked for a short bit, then quit. So they upped the dose. Quit working. Upped dose. Quit working. Etc.Yeah, it's known for that (efficiency short-circuiting). If you go off of it and then go back on it, it may also not work altho' it did before.

elevenism
08-27-2014, 03:09 AM
somethingelse , Swykk , PLEASE hold on. As I said, I just lost one of my dearest, sweetest, oldest friends to suicide. I am no where near over it, and I'm sure that many friends feel the same way. Her parents lives are ruined now, as is the life of her husband, who is my best friend. If you check out, you leave a wake of pain and suffering... Pain for those you love the most. One parent of one of my friends who died killed HIMself eventually. Hell, think about your ets family... Yes we argue, but there aren't many of us and at the end of the day, we are a pretty god damned tight knit crew. We damned sure don't wanna lose you. I've tried suicide a few times and thank God I was unsuccessful... because THINGS ALWAYS GET BETTER EVENTUALLY. like Dra508 said, it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I am the most gentle and caring person you will ever meet. Pm me if you need an unbiased ear Sarah K , I have the same damn problem with saris. I took the wellbutrin too. I had some speedy side effects, but it wasn't at all euphoric. I imagine you will be OK. Oh yeah, the side affects go away pretty fast. I've experienced the bed binding depression too. Makes me think of IDNWT. I'm sorry you are experiencing that.
A lot of you may think I'm crazy, but I suggest that anyone suffering from serious depression try the first two seal albums. Try the songs Don't Cry, Jade, Killer, Future Love Paradise.

somethingelse
08-27-2014, 05:28 AM
So I just went to my doc appointment to find out that it was actually yesterday and that I cant make another appointment until I pay the two non attendance fees I have accured (including yesterdays), 100 dollars thank you very much. I spent all day riddled with anxiety and now I'm crashing big time into depression. I had to stand there and wait while she spoke to the doctor and then printed out my bill, all the while my brain was screaming at me to "get the fuck out of here now, you are useless!". The receptionist apologized and all I could say was, it's okay it's not your fault. I couldn't even look at her.
What is wrong with me. I am slipping back into the mental state I was in a few years ago and it's scaring me. My attempt was close. I got wet, up to my waist in freezing cold water, drunk, but I stopped. Now all I can think is I should have kept going in while I had the courage and none of this would have come to pass. The hurt I caused, the hurt I feel. My loved ones would have healed by now and I would be free from all of this. Fuck. I understand. I know things change. But right now those thoughts don't seem to matter at all.


I have no anti-anxiety meds, no seroquel, no valium. All I want to do is get drunk and I can't even do that.


Okay. I'm hitting angry now. What kind of fucking doctor treats an Agoraphobic this way. That unsympathetic cunt. Here Doc, here's your $100. The next dinner at a fancy restaurant is on me you fuck. I'll give him his money just so I can book an appointment to vent my spleen at him. Maybe then he'll take me a little more seriously.


And the sadness is back.

marodi
08-27-2014, 12:57 PM
somethingelse You need a new doctor. Because you're right: what kind of doctor treats a patient that way? It's unacceptable. And the process of finding a better doctor will give you the sense that you're doing something about getting better. It will give you hope. Also: what elevenism said.
Jinsai I think you need to consult too. I know it's hard (I've been through this) but it will help you tremendously, once you've find the right person.

Hang in there everyone; don't let the darkness win.

Jinsai
08-27-2014, 04:33 PM
today sucks.

Sarah K
08-27-2014, 10:41 PM
Wellbutrin generic day 1: I WANT TO FUCK EVERYTHING

I've been talking to my friend who has been taking it for like three weeks now. He said that subsided after about two. Jesus christ...

I've also spent like all day reading up on this, and I guess it's extremely common. I'm hoping with everything I have that it tapers off after a bit, because this would be fucking annoying. Like, I was SERIOUSLY considering masturbating at work today. Like I'm fucking 17 or something. To constantly feel like this would be JUST AS BAD as having no sex drive at all. In fact, this might suck EVEN MORE. The vibrations on the train ride home had me in fucking agony, and I was standing up.

DEFINITELY has a Adderall-ish feeling to it. Which I'm not too sure how I feel about yet.

Dra508
08-28-2014, 09:22 AM
today sucks.

I know and tomorrow might too, but then you, me, all of us, will have a good day.

Are you drinking again? Honest question.

Jinsai
08-28-2014, 07:18 PM
this is depression + general sickness + insomnia all coming together in a really obnoxious way

Swykk
08-28-2014, 07:51 PM
It never subsided for me. I was a sex monster on the brand Wellbutrin. :)

Sarah K
08-28-2014, 08:06 PM
:/ It is almost intolerable. Like, this might be fun for a few days. But I can't imagine feeling like this ALL THE TIME.

This lady also started me out on the highest dose possible, I think. I'm taking 300mg XL. Which I don't think is supposed to happen. A lot of what I've read says to start at 150mg and then increase from there.

elevenism
08-28-2014, 09:22 PM
:/ It is almost intolerable. Like, this might be fun for a few days. But I can't imagine feeling like this ALL THE TIME.

This lady also started me out on the highest dose possible, I think. I'm taking 300mg XL. Which I don't think is supposed to happen. A lot of what I've read says to start at 150mg and then increase from there.
it gets better.

like i said, i had the same problem with ssris (no sexo,) and started taking welbutrin for the same reason.
i was better after about a week...maybe ten days.

Amaro
08-29-2014, 02:47 PM
Yo...been lurking, thinking about all y'all. Just wanted to talk up a little about CBD (cannabidiol) in here.

I don't officially know what all I suffer from to date or have been suffering most from lately (years ago I was diagnosed a form of Bipolar, now I choose to not directly ask my counselor any of that stuff, though some things are implied enough), but upon research and my own experimentation, CBD has personally helped me lighten my headload of stress symptoms when they just get too bad, or are about to. I can only speak from a certain product of CBD capsules to date, which I got from Rakuten (http://www.rakuten.com/prod/30-capsules-cbd-cannabidiol-hemp-cbd-extract-capsules-1500mg/263955074.html), comparable to Cibidex capsules (which is the more well known and more expensive route), but like countless testimonials from others in general--CBD is undoubtedly effective for me thus far.

A couple of days ago I ordered the E-Mist pen value pack from http://www.hempremedies.com/cbd-vape-oil.html (there's the bigger company/outlet www.kannaway.com (http://www.kannaway.com) to look into for the same kind of product, but I felt a bit better about Hemp Remedies after some research, not to mention the price points...had to take a dive somewhere). I look forward to the possibly greater effects the oil vaporizing method produces, and with what sounds to be a very legit tested CBD extract source. And I think I will save on money this way.

elevenism
08-31-2014, 09:50 PM
Yo...been lurking, thinking about all y'all. Just wanted to talk up a little about CBD (cannabidiol) in here.

I don't officially know what all I suffer from to date or have been suffering most from lately (years ago I was diagnosed a form of Bipolar, now I choose to not directly ask my counselor any of that stuff, though some things are implied enough), but upon research and my own experimentation, CBD has personally helped me lighten my headload of stress symptoms when they just get too bad, or are about to. I can only speak from a certain product of CBD capsules to date, which I got from Rakuten (http://www.rakuten.com/prod/30-capsules-cbd-cannabidiol-hemp-cbd-extract-capsules-1500mg/263955074.html), comparable to Cibidex capsules (which is the more well known and more expensive route), but like countless testimonials from others in general--CBD is undoubtedly effective for me thus far.

A couple of days ago I ordered the E-Mist pen value pack from http://www.hempremedies.com/cbd-vape-oil.html (there's the bigger company/outlet www.kannaway.com (http://www.kannaway.com) to look into for the same kind of product, but I felt a bit better about Hemp Remedies after some research, not to mention the price points...had to take a dive somewhere). I look forward to the possibly greater effects the oil vaporizing method produces, and with what sounds to be a very legit tested CBD extract source. And I think I will save on money this way.


i think i am going to try some of the CBD. My little brother and sis in law seem to think it would help me a lot.
I smoked a good solid ounce of grass a week until i hit like 24, when it just flat out started making me feel bad instead of good.

But the CBD gives a different feeling, right?

Sarah K
08-31-2014, 10:07 PM
So far, I'm still enjoying Wellbutrin for the most part.

PROS:
-I felt like my mood was better the first day... I dunno if this is just placebo effect or what, but I'll take it
-Mood seems to improve every day
-No longer hiding out in my room
-Suppressing appetite
-I feel more motivated

CONS:
-I had ONE DRINK yesterday, and I felt like my heart was going to explode
-Intolerable sex drive - I feel like I'm an 18 year old boy
-I feel a if it is impacting impulse control a bit
-Trouble getting to sleep(but not entirely negative - because I don't feel super tired)
-I have a bit of an irregular heartbeat happening today - not sure if related
-Speedy feeling

As far as my mood goes, I feel fucking great. I'm so used to starting a med, and then it taking forever to do anything, and then I just feel no emotions at all. I'M HAPPY AND SMILING AGAIN... It's really been a fucking miracle and a quick turn around on that end. Unsure about all of these other side effects, though. I keep reading conflicting things where some people don't have them after a couple of weeks, and others continue to have them throughout the duration of taking the medication. I'll give it a couple more weeks and see what happens. But I just really can't express how much it improved my mood, almost instantly. It's pretty weird to me.

I go see the psychiatrist again on Wednesday, and Therapy on Thursday.

Swykk
09-04-2014, 07:56 PM
Finished the "battery tests" today so maybe there will be a plan or direction Wednesday when I have my next session?

Amaro
09-09-2014, 12:02 PM
i think i am going to try some of the CBD. My little brother and sis in law seem to think it would help me a lot.
I smoked a good solid ounce of grass a week until i hit like 24, when it just flat out started making me feel bad instead of good.

But the CBD gives a different feeling, right?

CBD is totally different. Totally non-psychoactive unlike THC.

I did some reading the other day--it's apparently a boost of anandamide your brain creates in response to the CBD which is responsible for the mentally relaxed feeling.

Swykk
09-10-2014, 03:18 PM
Got officially diagnosed today. It's pretty much what I thought, which in many ways is good. Next week, I'll start the process of treating these things.

Sarah K
09-10-2014, 03:46 PM
Got officially diagnosed today. It's pretty much what I thought, which in many ways is good. Next week, I'll start the process of treating these things.

!

Happy for you!

kel
09-10-2014, 05:09 PM
without combing through the bulk of this thread, can i ask if any members are taking seroquel (quietapine - or something close - is generic)?

i was diagnosed four years ago and have been on it with moderate success (haven't needed benzos for a long time). i wanted something supplemental, just feeling like i've plateaued. my doctor threw on zoloft (because it's cheap), but it brought all that debilitating anxiety back in full force. i immediately stopped taking it (i should've known -- zoloft didn't work when i was 16, it's not gonna work at 33), but i have yet to tell my doctor.

anyway, if anyone here is also taking seroquel and has tried add-ons, please let me know what's worked or hasn't worked.

thanks in advance :)

Charmingly Miserable
09-10-2014, 11:26 PM
Well, today put me back a month ago. Feeling completely worthless, hopeless, helpless and utterly miserable. Life blows.

Sarah K
09-10-2014, 11:31 PM
Well, today put me back a month ago. Feeling completely worthless, hopeless, helpless and utterly miserable. Life blows.

I felt like that yesterday and this morning. This afternoon was a bit better. I think because tonight is the only night this week that I don't have plans, so I looked forward to BEING LAZY this evening. Even though all of the activities that I have planned are things that I enjoy, I find that I also need some downtime to look forward to... This Sunday, I fully intend on staying in my pajamas all day!

These last couple of days have been pretty weird emotionally for me. But I think/hope that it is just situations that have happened. I don't feel like I'm sinking back into full blown depression, anyway.

I have a friend in LA who is in crisis mode, and I feel fucking helpless trying to assist from across the country. It's taking a toll.

Leviathant
09-11-2014, 11:58 AM
I'm talking a stranger through a schizophrenic break (or whatever the proper term is) through email in my spare time: "I have literally no one in my life."

elevenism
09-11-2014, 08:03 PM
I'm talking a stranger through a schizophrenic break (or whatever the proper term is) through email in my spare time: "I have literally no one in my life."
i think it's so fucking awesome what we can do for strangers on the internet, or near strangers like friends from ets.

A girl i didn't know talked to me on facebook for hours a day for MONTHS and literally saved my life when my ex wound up with my best friend who subsequently overdosed on smack and died.

I really don't think i'd be here if it wasn't for that woman. She remembered me from high school but i didn't remember her.

elevenism
09-11-2014, 08:05 PM
without combing through the bulk of this thread, can i ask if any members are taking seroquel (quietapine - or something close - is generic)?

i was diagnosed four years ago and have been on it with moderate success (haven't needed benzos for a long time). i wanted something supplemental, just feeling like i've plateaued. my doctor threw on zoloft (because it's cheap), but it brought all that debilitating anxiety back in full force. i immediately stopped taking it (i should've known -- zoloft didn't work when i was 16, it's not gonna work at 33), but i have yet to tell my doctor.

anyway, if anyone here is also taking seroquel and has tried add-ons, please let me know what's worked or hasn't worked.

thanks in advance :)

i take it...actually i don't take it like i'm supposed to because it kinda zombifies me.
maybe if i took it long enough, i wouldn't need benzos either.

pm me if you wanna talk more about it...or we can talk here. i'm in a hurry right now.

sorry for double post.

i go see my new psychiatrist on monday...what is the hot new antidepressant?

kel
09-11-2014, 08:45 PM
so here's the thing (and it's scattered and random and heavy and weird) ...

when i was in high school, in kimberly, idaho, in the late 90's, there was a guy in my graduating class (who i grew up with), popular from day one, from a comfortable two-parent household, plenty of money ...

who hated me and made my four years in high school absolute hell. the night we all went out for dinner for sadie hawkins, he refused to eat with me being there, so my "friends" made me wait outside after i'd finished, because he refused to eat with a gay guy.

that's just the tip of it, and it got much, much worse.

anyway, he killed himself on sunday in mount vernon, new york.

i don't know how to feel, really, but i'm feeling a lot of something ... like we clearly had more in common than he thought in terms of mental sickness ... and i'm spending way more time than i want to wondering why ...

btw, elevenism, thank you.

Digital Twilight
09-12-2014, 10:41 AM
We always have more in common than we think. Our problem is we are taught to be afraid of difference and to conform to what we think we are supposed to be. Our differences should be celebrated and explored instead of shunned and ridiculed. It's one of mankind's greatest sins.

ophelia_
09-15-2014, 10:19 PM
Blurgh. I have been so depressed the past few days and I don't even know why. My anxiety is going overboard and I don't feel like I can even do normal day to day things... Like the thought of having a shower makes me want to cry. I had to drag myself out of bed yesterday and into the bathroom and I just sat under the shower for about half an hour sobbing.

My anxiety is usually pretty bad but it has been so much worse in the past few days due to this depressed slump I am experiencing. It's affecting all the different facets of my life, which normally I am pretty good at hiding away and keeping to myself... I am SO paranoid about this new relationship due to being cheated on so much in the past. I can't stop thinking that he is fucking someone else, and he has given me no reason to think that - it's just my brain telling me that I'm not good enough and that he doesn't want me.

I don't know if it's the depression and anxiety, but I'm having so many second thoughts about even being in a relationship... Maybe it's just cause I haven't seen him for a few days. (we both went away on the weekend to different things/have been busy with life stuff).

I hate everything right now. Sigh. At work and I just want to curl up under my desk and pretend life doesn't exist for a bit.

Charmingly Miserable
09-15-2014, 11:30 PM
Blurgh. I have been so depressed the past few days and I don't even know why. My anxiety is going overboard and I don't feel like I can even do normal day to day things... Like the thought of having a shower makes me want to cry. I had to drag myself out of bed yesterday and into the bathroom and I just sat under the shower for about half an hour sobbing.

My anxiety is usually pretty bad but it has been so much worse in the past few days due to this depressed slump I am experiencing. It's affecting all the different facets of my life, which normally I am pretty good at hiding away and keeping to myself... I am SO paranoid about this new relationship due to being cheated on so much in the past. I can't stop thinking that he is fucking someone else, and he has given me no reason to think that - it's just my brain telling me that I'm not good enough and that he doesn't want me.

I don't know if it's the depression and anxiety, but I'm having so many second thoughts about even being in a relationship... Maybe it's just cause I haven't seen him for a few days. (we both went away on the weekend to different things/have been busy with life stuff).

I hate everything right now. Sigh. At work and I just want to curl up under my desk and pretend life doesn't exist for a bit.

Sorry to hear that. Would it make you feel better if you talked to your boyfriend about your anxieties? A good boyfriend will not only listen, but he will be supportive too. (And I'm talking to you like I have a boyfriend and know everything to know about relationships.... lol)

I see my therapist and my psych tomorrow. I'm gonna ask for more time off from work. Just the thought about returning back to work puts me in a panic attack.

Sarah K
09-15-2014, 11:43 PM
I'm giving up on my therapist. She's fucking stupid. Plus, it takes me about an hour and fifteen minutes to get there from work. Then about an hour and a half to get home. It's just annoying. Then I have the pleasure of shelling out the $1,000 each month for her + the psychiatrist. No, thanks. I have paper prescriptions for about the next month and a half. That will give me time to find someone closer.

ophelia_
09-15-2014, 11:44 PM
He's shit at communicating at the best of times, and I feel like even though he would listen if I were to spill this all out on him, it would just make me feel worse... I think this is just something I need to have a cry to my best friend about, and try and sort my shit out and it will get better.

Hopefully I'll see him tomorrow or thursday, so some of the anxiety about him cheating on me will fuck off. Trying to be positive is so hard sometimes. Wah.

Hope you feel better tomorrow after seeing your therapist & psych. When are you due back at work?

aggroculture
09-16-2014, 12:09 AM
ophelia: do something for yourself that feels good for you! Try not to define yourself exclusively by your relationship anxieties; you can't be happy or relaxed in the relationship if you are not happy or relaxed independently of it.
(I need to follow this advice too...)

Sarah K
09-16-2014, 12:27 PM
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/09/15/schizophrenia-isn-t-one-disorder-but-eight.html

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/09/15/genetic-cause-schizophrenia/15535557/

This is potentially a HUGE, and extremely exciting breakthrough. People diagnosed with schizophrenia were generally BY FAR the hardest people to work with when I had that job. If this research holds, it basically confirms that we've been approaching treatment horribly wrong since forever.

This is fascinating to me.

Swykk
09-16-2014, 12:36 PM
Annoyed and sad today. Some things just don't add up. I'm constantly told how my outlook is supposedly so bad but then it's those same people who constantly reaffirm it for me.

Sarah K
09-16-2014, 03:56 PM
http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-everett/2014/06/what-its-like-to-be-in-love-when-you-have-depression/

Awwwww. This made me tear up a little.

Swykk
09-16-2014, 06:33 PM
Wouldn't that be nice (the article)?

Digital Twilight
09-17-2014, 09:08 AM
I've had a terrible two weeks, struggled to do anything productive but I managed to cook in past two days so that's something. It's been a couple of months since I last did that. The doc increased my meds today and I have my phone interview for councelling tomorrow. It's weird facing myself and life as an illness.

I just started reading Ruby Wax's book Sane New World about depression and mindfulness. A good laugh so far and quite interesting.

Halo Infinity
09-17-2014, 02:30 PM
While getting comfortable in my own skin is going to take a lot longer than I thought, it definitely helped to remind myself that I don't always have to fight back, fix things, or please others. It's amazing as to how something simple can be so overlooked, considering how blinding, contradicting, complex and misleading emotions can be. I've always been aware that it's also a form of letting go, which is a struggle I've also brought up/ran into at several other parts of ETS.

For the most part, it has mostly left me running and hiding, even though that doesn't always solve everything/anything, nor is it always the right thing to do. Anyway, I still thank anybody that was kind enough to hear me out and give me supportive advice. It was always appreciated, and thank you for your understanding. In spite of my roller coaster emotions and roller coaster moments on ETS, it's what made my 3 years (At least by December 1, 2014 that is.) here a lot better than ever before.

elevenism
09-17-2014, 02:45 PM
So i finally went to my new psych dr yesterday and got two new, new meds...Brintellix and Latuda (i think that's how they are spelled.)

I'm excited because i've tried damn near all the old meds with VERY limited success. These meds work differently.

Also, i've only had two doses of the meds but i haven't needed my xanax yet.

I am VERY optimistic that these meds will work.

Sarah K
09-17-2014, 02:53 PM
The Wellbutrin makes me wired(although not as much as when I first started it), so I got a prescription for a Trazodone, which doesn't make me sleep, either. Haha. It for sure relaxes me a bit. I'm almost ALWAYS moving around my feet, legs, or hands. I notice that I stop that a while after taking the Trazodone. But I don't really feel sleepy at all on it. I'm averaging 3 - 4 hours of sleep for the last couple of weeks. I HATE taking Ambien, because I always feel like shit the next day. I dunno what else to try.

Charmingly Miserable
09-17-2014, 11:37 PM
Hope you feel better tomorrow after seeing your therapist & psych. When are you due back at work?
Saw my psych and therapist yesterday. My psych gave me another month of work, to my relief. I go see a reiki healer tomorrow. I'm super excited about that and hope that he will give me some kind of direction in my life.

playwithfire
09-27-2014, 10:07 AM
My depression (mild most of the time)/the usual daily coping with my OCD/being too busy and tired whenever I'm home/too much stuff happening this weekend when I need downtime/my boyfriend having his own problems and not being able to cope well with mine = :( :( :(

Charmingly Miserable
09-30-2014, 12:08 AM
So, I went to the Integratron (http://integratron.com) all by myself today and had a vision of inner peace. I needed this to get myself in the right direction.

elevenism
10-10-2014, 04:41 AM
So when it was all said and done I lost two very close, dear friends with whom I've been down for like 18 years in five weeks. Both to suicide. And I just know that my best friend, suicide friend number one's husband, is gonna kill himself too. This HURTS

Aywok
10-24-2014, 02:07 AM
My experience with Doxepin thus far has been rather horrible. My doctor has convinced me that I need to be on a tricyclic, but the Doxepin has been bad news. I cannot stand the "drugged" feeling associated with it, and I've had plenty of "experiences" in my (former) life with downers. After 3 days or so, I develop hand tremors that last literally the entire time I'm conscious. The "best" solution my doctor can think of at the moment is putting me on Gabapentin in addition to the Doxepin.

It's been commonplace for a while, but why do we as a society feel the need to treat-side effects from drugs with additional drugs? I'm far from trusting most internet sources, but I am unable to find one article/blog/freaking Facebook post that says taking both of those medications together is a good idea, especially with no history of seizures.

somethingelse
10-24-2014, 04:41 AM
^ that sucks :(

My Seroquel prescription has been discontinued, as the side effects of talking in my sleep (angrily) is too extreme. I didn't ask about a suitable replacement as I thought that would have been a given. Plus my need to end interactions as 'frictionless as possible' interfered. Sigh.

Digital Twilight
10-24-2014, 06:32 AM
I had my first session of CBT yesterday and I'm quite optimistic about it. The counsellor seems nice and keen to have the course tailored to my needs and what works/doesn't work for me personally.

I've also stopped taking my meds as I think it was the cause of me not getting any sleep and I think maybe my mind is a little sharper because of it. Only been a few days though so I'll continue to monitor it.

Joy Prevention Hotline
10-26-2014, 11:31 PM
It's been commonplace for a while, but why do we as a society feel the need to treat-side effects from drugs with additional drugs?
After nine years of trying to find one drug that does what I need and no more, I've resigned myself to taking three drugs so I can function properly. Individually they all have serious problems — Prozac and Strattera cause my internal clock to malfunction, and Nortriptyline makes me anxious and agitated — but in combination those effects cancel out. (Still needs some tweaking though.)

Nortriptyline has a bunch of other side effects that are damned annoying (sigh), but they don't disrupt my life — and I've spent a lot of time looking for an alternative to tricyclics.

Jinsai
10-27-2014, 04:29 AM
I've been noticing lately that I've developed a sort of social anxiety that I never really had before. I could always make general small talk about banal bullshit with complete strangers. Now, whenever someone I don't know strikes up a conversation with me about something I don't care about, my brain just kind of freezes up. Yesterday, I had someone strike up a random conversation because she looked bored, asking me basically what I was doing in town. I responded with, "uh, well, uh... I was picking up my keyboard stand at my friend's place... and... uh... afterwards I came over here for a qui-qui-q-quick d-d-d-d-d-d-d-dinner."

I don't have a stutter. I mean, I've had that occasional thing where I quickly stammer my thought across, but this was a genuine moment where my brain felt like it was tied in a knot, and I couldn't complete the sound. I immediately panicked and I'm sure I looked horrified, and she suddenly had this sympathetic look on her face, like she thought I was embarrassed of my stuttering... I was more horrified than anything else... in a "what the fuck" kind of way.

The whole thing was odd. Usually, my response to a question like that would have been "ah, nothing really. What are you up to?" I've been noticing this increasing inability to just casually engage with people I don't know, but this was really odd. Not sure if it's a symptom of something bigger... I hope not.

Cat Mom
10-28-2014, 07:31 AM
I've been noticing lately that I've developed a sort of social anxiety that I never really had before. I could always make general small talk about banal bullshit with complete strangers. Now, whenever someone I don't know strikes up a conversation with me about something I don't care about, my brain just kind of freezes up. Yesterday, I had someone strike up a random conversation because she looked bored, asking me basically what I was doing in town. I responded with, "uh, well, uh... I was picking up my keyboard stand at my friend's place... and... uh... afterwards I came over here for a qui-qui-q-quick d-d-d-d-d-d-d-dinner."

I don't have a stutter. I mean, I've had that occasional thing where I quickly stammer my thought across, but this was a genuine moment where my brain felt like it was tied in a knot, and I couldn't complete the sound. I immediately panicked and I'm sure I looked horrified, and she suddenly had this sympathetic look on her face, like she thought I was embarrassed of my stuttering... I was more horrified than anything else... in a "what the fuck" kind of way.

The whole thing was odd. Usually, my response to a question like that would have been "ah, nothing really. What are you up to?" I've been noticing this increasing inability to just casually engage with people I don't know, but this was really odd. Not sure if it's a symptom of something bigger... I hope not.
Here is an interesting link. Unless you've had a brain trauma, it's probably just stress? (http://www.stammering.org/help-information/people-stammer/adults/bsa-leaflets-adults/stammering-which-starts-adulthood-bs)

Sarah K
10-28-2014, 09:44 AM
After two months on Wellbutrin, I'm still happy as shit. I've never had a more wonderful experience with an antidepressant. In the past, all other meds have basically just taken all of my emotions away. I just didn't feel ANYTHING. And I hated that. On Wellbutrin, I just feel like myself. Mostly happy(although being negatively sarcastic is just my nature... I'm still happy), sometimes sad, sometimes mad... I'm like a real person again.

A few cons are that:

I have a REALLY hard time sleeping. I maybe average 3.5 hours of sleep each night. Which isn't TOO awful, because the Wellbutrin gives me enough energy. I just get really bored about 1:00am because I know I'll still be awake for about 3 more hours, and I can't really do anything. The internet is boring at that time, and my roommates are sleeping, so I can't do anything around home. They gave me Trazadone for sleep, but it doesn't really do much. I find that it at least relaxes me a bit, though.

Increased anxiety and impulsiveness, but nothing that isn't manageable. I notice it, but I can control it.

I still want to fuck everything. And during the longest bout of celibacy in my adult life, that is extra annoying.

I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER. This shit has been a goddamn miracle for my life.

Digital Twilight
10-28-2014, 11:24 AM
Difficult to keep my head above the water at the minute.

Swykk
10-28-2014, 11:50 AM
I've been really depressed lately which might explain why I havent been around much. Work has been stressful in a way it never has been before (I've been there 4 years now) because shit is changing that wasn't broken in the first place...among other things (fighting NAFLD, diet/exercise, trying to lose weight...25lbs now, halfway there, and seemingly hitting a wall) and the usual things (stupid people and their politics, friends that aren't doing well either, etc) that bring me down. Now it's become a cruel game of was I better off being the anxiety ridden jerk on that lame generic Wellbutrin or better off as the calmer but terminally sad jerk without it. The anger and lonliness endures no matter which choice is made, so that's lovely.

ophelia_
10-28-2014, 11:54 PM
I fucking hate depression... I hate it when my partner locks himself away at home for two days because he's too sad to deal with life and he won't talk to anyone and won't let me come and see him. I hate that he has to tell me he wants "just one more day of not being a person" and I hate that I can't/he won't let me do anything to help him. It's so hard to not take it personally and I just feel so useless and want to cuddle him and try and make him feel better.

I don't know what to do in situations like these, how can I be there for him without being overbearing?

elevenism
10-29-2014, 07:00 AM
i get like that too, ophelia_ . If he's anything like me, though, your very existence is one of the only happy things in his life. If you left, he would break, and you are helping him by just loving him. "not wanting to be a person for one more day..." sums up my depression and my reaction to it SO fucking well, and i am like that most of the fucking time. Tis why i have such issues with opiate abuse, and previously, nightmarish alcoholism.
Sarah K , that's fucking great to hear. I think i'm gonna try it too then, because the hot new ssri they gave me isn't working at all.
Jinsai , a little alprazolam, perhaps? it smooths me out when i get that way.
Swykk , Digital Twilight , PM me if you want a caring, objective ear, and hold on.

I'm not doing very good myself, y'all. I know a lot of my posts are goofy and seem happy, but i'm insanely fucking depressed MOST of the time. And my psych appointment is scheduled on the same day as my follow up appointment for back surgery so it might be awhile before i get any help. But when i get to see the psych doc, i think i'm gonna go for the wellbutrin.

Suboxone made me happy all the time, but it's too fucking expensive.

Joy Prevention Hotline
10-29-2014, 09:14 PM
After two months on Wellbutrin, I'm still happy as shit. I've never had a more wonderful experience with an antidepressant. In the past, all other meds have basically just taken all of my emotions away. I just didn't feel ANYTHING. And I hated that. On Wellbutrin, I just feel like myself. Mostly happy(although being negatively sarcastic is just my nature... I'm still happy), sometimes sad, sometimes mad... I'm like a real person again.

A few cons are that:

I have a REALLY hard time sleeping. I maybe average 3.5 hours of sleep each night. Which isn't TOO awful, because the Wellbutrin gives me enough energy. I just get really bored about 1:00am because I know I'll still be awake for about 3 more hours, and I can't really do anything.
Funny that Wellbutrin didn't feel any different than an SSRI to me. Which would keep me up until 4 am not because of any excess energy but because I wanted to sleep through the freaking whole day. That's why I need the Nortriptyline — otherwise I'm just occupying space, no energy at all.

I don't know if Prozac on its own flattens my emotions or if I just don't have the energy to feel anything.

jessamineny
10-29-2014, 09:24 PM
It might be because Wellbutrin works on dopamine, and is a particularly good medication for addicts because of that. It was the wonder drug for me, too. Here's a cool explanation (http://www.kci.org/meth_info/lori/Dopamine_Methamphetamines_and_You.htm) if you're interested (specific for meth, but applicable for most drugs I'm aware of).

Sarah K
10-29-2014, 09:53 PM
It might be because Wellbutrin works on dopamine, and is a particularly good medication for addicts because of that. It was the wonder drug for me, too. Here's a cool explanation (http://www.kci.org/meth_info/lori/Dopamine_Methamphetamines_and_You.htm) if you're interested (specific for meth, but applicable for most drugs I'm aware of).

Huh. Well, that's pretty interesting. For about the first month on Wellbutrin, I for sure got a "high" feeling off of it. Nothing crazy, but definitely a bit speedy. That has mostly gone away now, though. My main issues are not sleeping(I didn't get to sleep until after 5:00 this morning, so that's less than 2 hours of sleep), and the constant movement. It isn't that big of a deal right now, as I work alone and such. But I'm looking at getting back into school. If I have to take traditional classes, I'm going to be that asshole who is always fidgeting.

January 6th will be 6 years off of meth for me after of 11 years of use(not on a constant basis).

My friend who has degrees in biochemistry said this re: me liking it, but not being able to sleep.


Awesome! So you take it when you wake up, right? A 20 hour half-life means it will be active in your system for about 20 hours. Past the point of being awake for 16 hours and keeping you from getting sleep. If you switch to the SR version, which has a half-life of about 16 hours, it will cut off right when you're ready to go to sleep. Often the SR version is dosed twice per day. You'll want to take it @300mg just once like you do the XL.

I got put on the highest of 300mg XL right away. So, the next time I go int, I might ask about getting put on the SR just to try it.

jessamineny
10-29-2014, 10:14 PM
It was so long ago that I went on WB that I honestly don't remember what the break-in period was like for me.

I did get switched to the XL once, but that was during the time they had huge problems with efficacy of the generic versions -- so much so that, at one point not too long ago, insurance companies were paying for the brand-name.

I haven't heard of prescribing the SR just once a day at 300mg. Usually it's 150mg, twice a day. (They don't even make a 300mg SR.)

Also, ask your friend. I'm not sure half-life is what you should be concerned with if you're having trouble sleeping. It might be peak serum concentration (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cmax_%28pharmacology%29)(which is 6 hours). If that's the case, taking it at bedtime (and 12 hours from then) should be good. (FWIW, I constantly wake up about 5 hours after taking my bedtime dose, and stay awake for at least an hour. Pain in the ass.)

Aywok
10-29-2014, 10:50 PM
25mg Hydroxyzine HCL + 2mg Clonazepam + 150mg Trazodone ER = yeah, I don't sleep unless I'm on something. I stopped taking the Doxepin (over a 4 day period). I feel no different, but I know I shouldn't be playing my own doctor.

I seriously think banging my head on the wall until unconsciousness could be a better solution, sometimes... Ugh...

elevenism
10-30-2014, 11:39 AM
It might be because Wellbutrin works on dopamine, and is a particularly good medication for addicts because of that. It was the wonder drug for me, too. Here's a cool explanation (http://www.kci.org/meth_info/lori/Dopamine_Methamphetamines_and_You.htm) if you're interested (specific for meth, but applicable for most drugs I'm aware of).

wait wait wait...no shit?

ok, i'm DEFINITELY getting off this latuda that does nothing and getting on wellbutrin. you know opiates indirectly interact with dopamine, so...hot damn.
Like i said, suboxone was the perfect antidepressant for me, even though it isn't used as an antidepressant in the us. I would be on it but i can't afford it, plus it would get in the way of my pain treatment.

I am so fucking tired of being depressed all the time except for when i take my vicodin. And yes, that's when my pain stops, but that's not why i'm happy when i take it, you know?

edit: ok, i managed to make it to where i will see the psych doc while i am in amarillo for my back surgery next week, and i'm gonna get on wellbutrin that day...hells yeah.

Digital Twilight
10-30-2014, 02:46 PM
elevenism - Thanks, I appreciate the out stretched hand.

klang
10-30-2014, 10:35 PM
Had a nicer-than-usual appointment with my therapist today (as in, I didn't feel like we dredged up a bunch of really emotional volatile shit that left me feeling shaky) But I'm still thinking about (and stumbling over) what I would visualize my life like... if my bad family life experiences hadn't happened. Totally drawing a blank about not being defined by depression and other peoples' personalities.

aggroculture
10-31-2014, 08:19 PM
Just realized this evening that I have been really mistreating myself over the last couple of months, putting myself through some hardcore self-hatred. No doubt some of it is warranted, but I need to make a change now, I feel myself slipping, and that's not a good thing for me or anyone around me. OK: time to make some changes: I owe it to everybody and me first and foremost to love myself a little more and be less harsh towards me from now on.

klang
10-31-2014, 10:22 PM
Just realized this evening that I have been really mistreating myself over the last couple of months, putting myself through some hardcore self-hatred. No doubt some of it is warranted, but I need to make a change now, I feel myself slipping, and that's not a good thing for me or anyone around me. OK: time to make some changes: I owe it to everybody and me first and foremost to love myself a little more and be less harsh towards me from now on.

Treat yourself to the littlest things, and don't even worry about anyone else for right now. Makes a world of difference, and you deserve it!

Joy Prevention Hotline
10-31-2014, 11:37 PM
It might be because Wellbutrin works on dopamine, and is a particularly good medication for addicts because of that. It was the wonder drug for me, too.
My experiences with (legal) drugs make me think I'm immune to dopamine. I've never had a "high" with anything — the best I can hope for is to feel OK.

(My illegal drug experience is limited to a few bong hits in college. I'll never get over the feeling that I missed out on a lot of interesting substances. Or maybe I would've found them uninteresting, which would be … interesting.)

Cat Mom
10-31-2014, 11:40 PM
But dopamine is a neurotransmitter and a hormone (http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dopamine). I don't know that we can be immune to dopamine?

Joy Prevention Hotline
11-01-2014, 01:35 AM
But dopamine is a neurotransmitter and a hormone (http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dopamine). I don't know that we can be immune to dopamine?
With all the oddball drug reactions I've had (or didn't have), I'm ready to believe anything. :p

elevenism
11-01-2014, 03:15 AM
My experiences with (legal) drugs make me think I'm immune to dopamine. I've never had a "high" with anything — the best I can hope for is to feel OK.

(My illegal drug experience is limited to a few bong hits in college. I'll never get over the feeling that I missed out on a lot of interesting substances. Or maybe I would've found them uninteresting, which would be … interesting.)

Oh, there are lots of drugs that will get you all different kinds of high.

Joy Prevention Hotline
11-02-2014, 03:51 PM
Maybe so. But I bet every damn time I'd be more interested in how it's affecting me than, y'know, being affected. :rolleyes:

Digital Twilight
11-07-2014, 10:04 AM
The doc gave me new meds to try. Mirtazapine. Took one before I went to bed as instructed. I woke up in the middle of the night needing to pee but as I went I was stumbling around like I was super drunk. I crashed into the mirror, sctrached my glasses and have two gashes on my face. Then I threw up. Fun times.

elevenism
11-10-2014, 03:12 PM
The doc gave me new meds to try. Mirtazapine. Took one before I went to bed as instructed. I woke up in the middle of the night needing to pee but as I went I was stumbling around like I was super drunk. I crashed into the mirror, sctrached my glasses and have two gashes on my face. Then I threw up. Fun times.

Damn, brother, that does NOT sound good. I'm very sorry to hear that, man.

Well, i got my welbutrin. i hope it is a "wonder drug" for me like it was for@jessamineny and Sarah K.

It turns out that i haven't been on an antidepressant at all! The Latuda is an atypical antipsychotic that MAY help with bipolar depression. I can't BELIEVE that my doctor failed to prescribe an antidepressant for me!

I also got some doxepin for sleep, but it's also an antidepressant.
So doxepin and wellbutrin for depression (and sleep,) latuda and brintellix for the mania and psychosis, along with xanax for panic attacks.

So i am expecting some big results.
Please send some good ets vibes my way!

Cat Mom
11-10-2014, 04:00 PM
Damn, brother, that does NOT sound good. I'm very sorry to hear that, man.

Well, i got my welbutrin. i hope it is a "wonder drug" for me like it was for@jessamineny and Sarah K.

It turns out that i haven't been on an antidepressant at all! The Latuda is an atypical antipsychotic that MAY help with bipolar depression. I can't BELIEVE that my doctor failed to prescribe an antidepressant for me!

I also got some doxepin for sleep, but it's also an antidepressant.
So doxepin and wellbutrin for depression (and sleep,) latuda and brintellix for the mania and psychosis, along with xanax for panic attacks.

So i am expecting some big results.
Please send some good ets vibes my way!

Wow, that's a buttload of drugs, brother. I hope it works.

See this: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/01/22/latuda-a-new-treatment-option-for-bipolar-depression/

elevenism
11-10-2014, 04:56 PM
Wow, that's a buttload of drugs, brother. I hope it works.

See this: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/01/22/latuda-a-new-treatment-option-for-bipolar-depression/

i know, right allegro ?

Add in my blood pressure medicine, my vicodin, my muscle relaxers...i'm on eight freaking meds.

I am so depressed all the damn time. I REALLY hope these psych meds work.

Most of my depression is about death. For instance, i sit and think about the inevitability of my mother's death, and i cry.
The thing that makes this so irrational is that my mother is 56 years old!

Cat Mom
11-10-2014, 05:33 PM
i know, right allegro ?

Add in my blood pressure medicine, my vicodin, my muscle relaxers...i'm on eight freaking meds.

I am so depressed all the damn time. I REALLY hope these psych meds work.

Most of my depression is about death. For instance, i sit and think about the inevitability of my mother's death, and i cry.
The thing that makes this so irrational is that my mother is 56 years old!

Well, it's not that irrational, we're all gonna die and it could happen at any time (my little bro died in his mid-30s). But, maybe this is fear and anxiety instead of depression. Have you talked with your therapist about this? Think happy thoughts, and enjoy your mom as much as you can while she's here. My mom is 76, and I know that she could go at any time; or she could OUTLIVE ME!! LOL. Either way, one of us is gonna be sad someday. Ain't no way we gonna escape it. Buddha says death and suffering is part of life. Crying is a mental douche. :-) (okay, Buddha didn't say that last part.) It seems like a lot of your depression is your current life, though. You are stuck at home, in pain, kinda trapped in that house, can't work, etc. Maybe you need some new HOBBIES, some kind of artistic focus, something to channel your creativity, something that will make your life worthwhile, to really live instead of just "exist?" I mean, of course, in addition to the meds to help you balance out your brain chemistry.

elevenism
11-10-2014, 06:00 PM
live[/U] instead of just "exist?" I mean, of course, in addition to the meds to help you balance out your brain chemistry.

You are very insightful. Thank you for thinking of me,

Once this surgery heals, i will be looking for a part time job...even if it's making sandwiches at subway. I think it will go a long way as far as helping me to feel like i am accomplishing something.

As far as the creative output, i just got a Zoom R24...it's a 24 track recorder with a 24 voice sampler, a drum machine with ten kits, and hundreds of onboard effects.

Basically, you just need a guitar and a mic to record a studio quality album. It's like a studio in a box.
I've been playing guitar since i was seven and singing/writing songs and making music since high school.
So once i am up and around again, i think that having this machine will help me quite a bit too.
The last recording device i had was a four track that recorded onto cassette tapes.

This new toy is fucking AMAZING. I made a quick track....played with it as long as i could before my back made me get back in bed, but i got to mess with it long enough to see how incredible it is.

I have a couple of albums in me, and that creative output will definitely help.

Thanks for your concern :)

Cat Mom
11-12-2014, 01:49 PM
that creative output will definitely help.
Well, that and the part-time job sounds like you have a plan; too much navel-gazing isn't good for the brain or the soul. ;-)

Swykk
11-12-2014, 04:24 PM
I work as Quality Assurance for a company and just heard probably the saddest call and it kind of dawned on me...I don't know how to trust people anymore. This was just a trigger of sorts.

kel
11-13-2014, 02:48 AM
I work as Quality Assurance for a company and just heard probably the saddest call and it kind of dawned on me...I don't know how to trust people anymore. This was just a trigger of sorts.
can i ask what happened? i worked for humana briefly and felt beyond miserable after 9/10 calls. even a few suicide threats from desperate people who needed help i couldn't provide.

hugs, swykk.

Cat Mom
11-13-2014, 10:12 AM
Ugh, I couldn't do a job like that! Hugs to both of you!

elevenism
11-13-2014, 05:51 PM
allegro , as far as the rationality or irrationality of the death thing...
i know it's going to happen, i know it's not crazy.
but the amount of TIME i spend thinking about death is ridiculous.
And it's not just my mother...i think about all of my loved ones dying. That's a big part of how my depression manifests.

I THINK this wellbutrin is starting to work some though.

Swykk
11-13-2014, 06:07 PM
Mom calls in on son's behalf. She's making sure the bill is caught up. Son has cancer and his treatments wipe him out (I know this all too well). His CUNT COWARDLY SOULLESS wife bailed on him, saying "she couldn't handle it" but not before withdrawing all of their joint bank account.

I know I'm heavily biased here, having both had cancer and an evil wife (who cheated on me but thankfully didn't take what little money I had at the time).

I just don't get how people do these things to each other. I've been kicked when I was down too. Things like what happened to me and what I see, hear and read what others do to each other...it has made me very withdrawn. It's not that I like being alone. I hate it. It's more like who can I trust to NOT be like these fucking scumbags?

elevenism
11-15-2014, 06:59 PM
I hate it. It's more like who can I trust to NOT be like these fucking scumbags?

it's hard.
my very best friend of like 27 years fucked my brother's wife when they got in a fight.
Also, i had a super close friend of like 15 years. We worked together, slept at each other's houses, had apartments together, were comfortable saying i love you to each other...we were that close.
Well, my ex and i had a rough patch and he zoomed in and the next fucking thing i knew, they were ENGAGED. And it was like...ANYBODY but him, you know? I could have handled her being with ANYONE but him. it was so fucked up. He died of a heroin overdose a few months later, which fucked my head up even worse considering i WANTED him dead at the time.

So even though these are different events than yours, they had the same outcome.
I mean, these were the two closest family friends that my brother and i have ever had. The one that fucked his wife was one of the founding members of our graffiti crew. We had been kicking it since i was like 7 and my brother was 5. We had lived our whole lives together.
And the other guy, the one who got my fiancee, he had lived with me and my brother in a couple of different situations. We had helped him SO fucking much...giving him places to stay, taking him to rehab...i mean we were CLOSE.
And to have these two guys fuck our girls as soon as our backs were turned, well....
i have a hard time trusting anyone now.
I doubt if i ever will, other than my wife and mother.
I've tried to maintain my friendship with the one who fucked my brother's wife but it's very, very tricky.

So yes, i feel you man.

Charmingly Miserable
11-19-2014, 01:25 AM
Despite some unglamorous things like being eternally single, life is beautiful. Just thought I would share.

Halo Infinity
11-19-2014, 06:04 PM
It seems like keeping things light and impersonal has helped me immensely, although I still have to work on it. I was still thinking about this, and this thread seems to be the only place that this post would fit into. Keeping things light and impersonal was a far more important task than I ever realized it was before as it has sometimes helped me find ways to let things go and move on and even prevent conflict and misunderstandings. I still have many regrets though, and have done far more giving up and running away than letting go.

I also apologize for some of the threads and posts I've made out of a bad mood with bad judgement though. I just wanted to at least put that out there. And not that I got in trouble here recently or anything, but looking through some of my older threads and posts makes me cringe for lots of reasons, as I know it's all on me due to me bringing it upon myself. Heck, I'm still making mistakes here, but I suppose that's also just a normal part of being human. However, I also don't want to be a burden.

I also see how this is almost like an Airing of Grievances post about myself, but it still seemed to belong here more. And like other things, it took me far too long to realize it and accept it. Thanks to those that have taken the time to hear me out and converse with me on and off ETS. Your words of kindness, encouragement and compassion have certainly gone a long way for me. And well, it certainly went back to me posting only when I'm in a good mood, or when I'm not completely bored. As it turns out, my emotions also go haywire whenever I'm completely bored, or even sleepy for that matter.

DigitalChaos
11-23-2014, 04:08 PM
This month marks 1 year for the start of THE most stressful period in my life. Just about every angle of life came imploding in on me. Having to bring up the entire company network while I am at the ER for my wife with my 3yo kid, breaking 100hr/week for work multiple times, and doing it all while ramping up a new hire without making him think anything is wrong... is probably only symbolistic of just one of the weeks during that time, but it gives you an idea.

I found this mental edge where you could tell that just one more thing would put me into a scary place where something starts to break. All issues from this period a year ago tapered off after 8 months, but I'm still noticing lasting effects. In some ways, I feel more immune to more of the "small things" and in some ways I feel like I am seeking them out even more(??). But some things now cause my stress levels to rise much more rapidly than used to be the case.

I don't know what to make of it all.

Cat Mom
11-23-2014, 05:52 PM
This month marks 1 year for the start of THE most stressful period in my life. Just about every angle of life came imploding in on me. Having to bring up the entire company network while I am at the ER for my wife with my 3yo kid, breaking 100hr/week for work multiple times, and doing it all while ramping up a new hire without making him think anything is wrong... is probably only symbolistic of just one of the weeks during that time, but it gives you an idea.

I found this mental edge where you could tell that just one more thing would put me into a scary place where something starts to break. All issues from this period a year ago tapered off after 8 months, but I'm still noticing lasting effects. In some ways, I feel more immune to more of the "small things" and in some ways I feel like I am seeking them out even more(??). But some things now cause my stress levels to rise much more rapidly than used to be the case.

I don't know what to make of it all.
I did a grad school thesis on the effects of modern stress on the brain in a neurology class; we're really pushed to the limits, and our brains are NOT wired for multitasking; our cortisol starts pumping and enables us to handle stress. The problem is that too much fight-or-flight stress is toxic. See this article, for instance (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201402/chronic-stress-can-damage-brain-structure-and-connectivity). It's why so many people are turning to meditation. Even as little as 10 minutes of daily meditation can do wonders to control cortisol levels and to "repair" the overstressed brain.

If you do research on this, you'll run into guys like Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn who's done a ton of neurological studies on meditation and "mindfulness" and Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction. (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201303/mindfulness-made-simple)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjXXvtGEZQQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0DMYs4b2Yw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAcTIrA2Qhk

DigitalChaos
11-24-2014, 01:30 AM
Meditation is huge. I definitely need to do it more.

I'm suddenly curious what the differences are from minimal but sustained stress, vs short-term (days/week/months) of high loads of stress. There also seems to be a weirdly addictive quality to bursts of stress... i dont know wtf that is about.

Cat Mom
11-24-2014, 02:06 AM
There also seems to be a weirdly addictive quality to bursts of stress... i dont know wtf that is about.
There have been lots of studies about that.

For instance, see this (http://healthland.time.com/2012/09/06/can-we-become-addicted-to-stress/).

Adrenaline and cortisol make us perform better, sharper. Except we can't sustain that for long periods. Short, occasional bursts of fight-or-flight is built into our DNA (think running away from danger when we were cave people). Sustained, really bad for us.

Baphomette
11-24-2014, 02:31 AM
our brains are NOT wired for multitasking;My doctors disagree with this. People with certain disorders (eg., bipolar disorder) have different wiring. Depending on the cycle, multitasking is kinda like breathing - it just happens. (Dr. Michael Gitlin, one of my docs, has written papers about this which you've probably read, allegro. He has a lot of dissenting opinions in regards to brain chemistry and the treatment of mental disorders. He's pretty awesome. :) )

Cat Mom
11-24-2014, 02:42 AM
My doctors disagree with this. People with certain disorders (eg., bipolar disorder) have different wiring. Depending on the cycle, multitasking is kinda like breathing - it just happens. (Dr. Michael Gitlin, one of my docs, has written papers about this which you've probably read, allegro. He has a lot of dissenting opinions in regards to brain functions. He's pretty awesome. :) )
I didn't mean literally. We CAN multitask, but it's really stressful when done too much. Especially high level multitasking.

I'll have to dig out my research showing the part of the brain that actually lurches each time we shift from one task to another, it's amazing, I have brain scans and everything. We are believed to be the only species capable of doing this.

The research material I used can't be linked here because it's scholarly journal material from proprietary academic sources, but here is an example of a study:

http://www.ccbi.cmu.edu/news/sandiegouniontribune-dualtask.html

This one especially: http://www.ninds.nih.gov/news_and_events/news_articles/pressrelease_prefrontal_cortex_051299.htm

Here's another: http://www.ccbi.cmu.edu/reprints/Just-Buchweitz_Chipman_handbook%20chapt_multitasking.pd f This one shows that the low level low thought multitasking (like operating a stick shift while driving, or typing while composing an essay) are similar to muscle memory (walking and talking) and require no "shifting" or "place setting" because the second activity is done without true "thought."

But just because we CAN multitask doesn't mean doing it all the time is good for us, hence why studies have shown that meditation and mindfulness training seem to "repair" any damage done by sustained high level multitasking.

You should SEE the brain scans of the meditators / single-taskers!! Really cool stuff.

The data was so compelling that I stopped trying to multitask and I started focusing on one thing at a time (also the basis of mindfulness) and it's made an amazing difference in stress levels. The self-discipline has also been great, for instance forcing myself to read ONE BOOK.

sentient02970
11-24-2014, 09:05 AM
for instance forcing myself to read ONE BOOK.
I have finally understood the benefits of this concept. The 4-7 books with bookmarks sitting on my shelf had actually stressed me out for a long time. It feels good and is so much more rewarding to actually finish a book one at a time.

NotoriousTIMP
11-27-2014, 01:37 AM
*Edit* 10 letters

Baphomette
11-27-2014, 03:31 AM
I didn't mean literally. We CAN multitask, but it's really stressful when done too much. Especially high level multitasking...............I love your big gigantic edits, allegro. They've always been one of my favorites parts of this board. :)

Cat Mom
11-27-2014, 07:28 AM
In this particular case it was not by choice, this fucking 1st gen iPad crashed while I was entering that about 15 times, and/or my connection timed out. I ended up needing to follow my own meditation advice. It's a sign that I need to go read more books and get away from electronic devices. Which I am striving to do.

Charmingly Miserable
11-27-2014, 06:33 PM
My daughter wanted to spend Thanksgiving with her dad. She left me this morning. I thought I would be ok with it, but I ended up crying like a baby. I wanted to hang around her for the holiday but no...... :( Now I am lonely.

DigitalChaos
11-27-2014, 07:38 PM
All my posts are edited because I always notice some stupid typo or find a better bit of info to include after the fact. The internet has ruined my ability to proofread.


In this particular case it was not by choice, this fucking 1st gen iPad crashed while I was entering that about 15 times, and/or my connection timed out. I ended up needing to follow my own meditation advice. It's a sign that I need to go read more books and get away from electronic devices. Which I am striving to do.

I need to hook you up with a new iPad. Especially if it means more awesome posts on ETS. Massive respect for typing shit up on a touch interface... I HATE doing that.

DigitalChaos
11-27-2014, 07:43 PM
I have finally understood the benefits of this concept. The 4-7 books with bookmarks sitting on my shelf had actually stressed me out for a long time. It feels good and is so much more rewarding to actually finish a book one at a time.
This shit explains every bit of my life. I have piles of partially finished projects both physically around the house and at work, and scattered around my computer. Most of my incomplete books have a mark where I left off, but I rarely intend on finish them.
I probably have 8 active TV seasons I am watching, at least 4 different places I discuss/debate (each with probably 10 threads I am active in), etc.

The only time I get away from it for a bit is if I go camping or something. About 10 years ago when I moved across the country I rented out a single 9'x5' room and it was awesome. I physically had no space to build up halfassed work. If I wanted to sleep, I had to clean up whatever I had just been doing. It made me very inefficient with projects that too more than a day to complete, but my mind was much more clear.

Dra508
11-28-2014, 06:02 PM
I can not express how amazing meditation has been for me. My parents got me into it when I first left my husband and have kept up with it, including a very gentle yoga practice that is very mindful, not competitive. I even did a gong meditation the other day. 'Twas great.

playwithfire
11-29-2014, 11:39 PM
So, I get BAD hormonal depression. Something being on hormonal BC regulates pretty solidly for me. Like really well, as long as I don't take my pills like an idiot and miss doses and shit.

I also have OCD, but the kind that responds to CBT, not really the drugs kind. It's something that I don't want to discuss my handling of, pre-emptively, since I'm about to ask for drug advice. I definitely get anxiety sometimes, will get really upset by it, but I've never had a full on panic attack, ever.

HOWEVER, sometimes the three things or life or whatever can combine to get me pretty low. Like today. I don't want to take a drug every day for something that happens only occasionally. Pot would work great for my anxiety, but is there a scrip any of you would recommend/have heard good things about? Basically something I could take to drop my anxiety for the time being and make my outlook a little less dim when I can't sleep it off -- my preferred coping mechanism when I'm really miserable is being unconscious. I've heard good things about Xanax, but figured I'd ask here.

It'd be nice to have an outlet in situations where I can't just go and sleep and have to handle stuff.

Swykk
11-30-2014, 01:19 AM
Xanax calms me down successfully. I do not take it regularly, though. I go through two scripts of 30 a year. Roughly. I would prefer pot but I live in Indiana sooooo never going to be legal here and my company drug tests.

Sarah K
11-30-2014, 01:24 AM
Ativan always did better at the "calm down, but don't make me pass out" bit. Xanax for sure calms ya down. But then I just want to sit and do nothing.

Baphomette
11-30-2014, 02:28 AM
It'd be nice to have an outlet in situations where I can't just go and sleep and have to handle stuff.I've never had any success with either Xanax or Ativan when it comes to lessening anxiety but I know plenty of people who do find them helpful. Your doctor will most likely prescribe Ativan as the DEA is cracking down hard on Xanax prescriptions (they've stopped using it altogether at my clinic). Start with .5mg as it's one of the strongest in the benzo family. (http://www.crazymeds.us/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/MedClass/BenzosList) Withdrawal from benzos is pretty ugly but since you're not going to use them on a daily basis, you'll be fine. :)

I use Hyland's Calms (http://hylands.com/products/hylands-calms) formula for my anxiety. It definitely helps. (It could very well be a placebo effect since it's homeopathic but whatever - it works for me.)

Cat Mom
11-30-2014, 10:08 AM
My doc had me on Xanax for occasional use but then I started using it for sleep and then he took me off of it. I guess it's NOT good for that, can cause memory problems. And, yeah, the medical community is now finally avoiding Xanax and Valium. Addictive plus inhibits abilities to function plus people drive on it (DUI) plus potential longterm memory problems.

I highly recommend melotonin for sleep. I take 3 mg about 30 minutes before I have to sleep. Doesn't make me groggy, doesn't make it hard to wake up. If it's hard for me to "turn my brain off" at sleep time this work great, as does meditation or reading my Kindl. No backlit devices at night, though.

Also, Passion Flower has good natural calming abilities. Comes in liquid or pill form. Liquid can be added to tea. I generally take a capsule (http://www.amazon.com/Now-Foods-Passion-Flower-Extract/dp/B002J0KCQ6/ref=pd_sbs_hpc_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=0X3HQ2Y9C74G2HRFSWCE).

Also, again, breathing meditation exercises, OMG, awesome.

Charmingly Miserable
11-30-2014, 07:57 PM
I think I am having a manic episode. I mean, I just feel so good. I am honestly scared of myself and crashing one day.

Joy Prevention Hotline
11-30-2014, 09:39 PM
Basically something I could take to drop my anxiety for the time being and make my outlook a little less dim when I can't sleep it off -- my preferred coping mechanism when I'm really miserable is being unconscious.
In the bad early days when I was going through total meltdowns, I'd pass out for a while and it always helped.


plus people drive on it (DUI)
Is that concern specific to Valium and/or Xanax? My only benzo experience is with Klonopin, which does calm me down really well in mental emergencies without fogging my brain. I'm far more dangerous to other drivers without it in those situations, but it is a relatively low dose — .25 to .5mg.

In my meltdown period it was 1–2mg every day just to keep a lid on it.

Cat Mom
11-30-2014, 10:29 PM
Is that concern specific to Valium and/or Xanax? My only benzo experience is with Klonopin, which does calm me down really well in mental emergencies without fogging my brain. I'm far more dangerous to other drivers without it in those situations, but it is a relatively low dose — .25 to .5mg.
My mom's doctor said so, yes. Doc said it absolutely slows your judgment, and I *know* legally it's definitely "driving while under the influence" to law enforcement (so is BENEDRYL). My mom didn't know this, either, she was totally shocked; ends up she'd been popping a Valium before she drove to Costco for a while. Yikes. She no longer has a Valium Rx.


In the bad early days when I was going through total meltdowns, I'd pass out for a while and it always helped.
Sleep is *really* good for you in all kinds of ways.

Iran_Ed
12-01-2014, 01:12 PM
I've spent the last two years of my life trying to find reasons not to kill myself. I've reached the point where I realize it's not working and I'm losing grasp of everything. I've been like this since I was a teenager and I've become an expert at hiding it. An online friend of mine has been begging me to get help. I work a shitty job and while I do have insurance I don't think I can afford to pay for doctor visits and prescriptions. I spent the weekend realizing just how poor I am, and searching for a suicide method. Is there anyone on here with any advice?

Sarah K
12-01-2014, 01:15 PM
I've spent the last two years of my life trying to find reasons not to kill myself. I've reached the point where I realize it's not working and I'm losing grasp of everything. I've been like this since I was a teenager and I've become an expert at hiding it. An online friend of mine has been begging me to get help. I work a shitty job and while I do have insurance I don't think I can afford to pay for doctor visits and prescriptions. I spent the weekend realizing just how poor I am, and searching for a suicide method. Is there anyone on here with any advice?

Where do you live?

Iran_Ed
12-01-2014, 02:11 PM
Where do you live?
I'm in Maryland

Pillfred
12-01-2014, 03:01 PM
I would suggest maybe finding a clinic or maybe some other similar resource. I myself went to counseling a year or so ago at an off site of the university here's therapy place. They had it on a sliding scale and it was only like 15$ to go talk to someone. They were grad students but had actual therapists overseeing the whole thing.

A buddy of mine after blacking out and almost getting himself trampled by train a few months back went to the clinic in town and had said that they were like 25$ to see someone which may be a better option potentially since they are part of a hospital environment.

In short I would think they would have some sort of similar options where your at. Something to maybe look into anyway.

Cat Mom
12-01-2014, 04:13 PM
I've spent the last two years of my life trying to find reasons not to kill myself. I've reached the point where I realize it's not working and I'm losing grasp of everything. I've been like this since I was a teenager and I've become an expert at hiding it. An online friend of mine has been begging me to get help. I work a shitty job and while I do have insurance I don't think I can afford to pay for doctor visits and prescriptions. I spent the weekend realizing just how poor I am, and searching for a suicide method. Is there anyone on here with any advice?
I would imagine you have a chemical imbalance and there are modern medications that can really help you and can make you feel a lot better. This isn't just you, there are lots of people just like you out there and once you get the proper medical attention, you will start feeling better, really. Please try, okay? If you can't afford it, there are government assistance programs and medical and pharmacy providers will assist you with that.

You have insurance, that's a good start, really. Here are a few links.with hotline numbers, I don't know what county you are in Maryland, for somebody to talk to, first off:

http://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/HHS/ProgramIndex/CrisisServicesindex.html

http://www.baltimorecountymd.gov/Agencies/health/healthservices/mental/#general

You can just get in to a primary doctor, first, don't worry about money, nobody is going to turn you away, this is an illness, it can be cured, keep us posted, okay?

Baphomette
12-01-2014, 04:39 PM
@Iran_Ed (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=571) - Use the info allegro gave you. Or you can also call 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) to get connected directly to a crisis counselor in your area. It's a helpline run by the National Institute of Mental Health and it's available 24/7. Like allegro said, don't worry about cost. Help is available even for us broke peeps. :) Meds are extremely inexpensive these days due to generics. My prescriptions cost about $1.30 each. And lots of clinics offer either free counseling or a sliding scale fee. Money won't be an issue.

Lots of us have been where you are ; things WILL get better once you start receiving treatment. Trust us on this.

Iran_Ed
12-01-2014, 05:21 PM
I've known I've needed help for some time now, but I feel like I have so many problems that it's going to take years to correct if they're ever corrected. I want so much more for myself, but I feel like I have no control. I can't afford to go to school, and the area I live in has very little opportunity. I've lost so much time to this and I can't get it back.

Dra508
12-01-2014, 05:30 PM
Iran_Ed There is a lot of help out there so take that first step and you will have so much support. Really.

Cat Mom
12-01-2014, 05:44 PM
Iran_Ed The first steps are always daunting but you already took a big one by posting here. It is never too late, hell I finished my degree in my 40s dude! :-) This is not your fault, you are struggling to survive with an illness that is very real but is very manageable, within some shitty obstacles. And you're surviving. One thing at a time. First hurdle is your depression. Second hurdle is probably moving, but don't worry about that yet. :-)

No, you can't get time back, but only look forward. The future looks better, if you can feel better and kick this depression. You're in good company, here.

You just said you want so much more for yourself. That's awesome, dude. That's hopeful. You deserve so much more!

Iran_Ed
12-01-2014, 05:59 PM
I'm just tired of it and there's no guarantee things will get better.

Cat Mom
12-01-2014, 06:17 PM
I'm just tired of it and there's no guarantee things will get better.

There's a guarantee that your depression will get better. But none of us get a guarantee. One of the ETS members was homeless recently, I think he was living in his car. We all just do our best and pray for good luck, and look for opportunities, and work hard. Hang in there, make that phone call.

Edit: I can also tell you this much, from experience: it's much harder (sometimes impossible) to see a way out, to see opportunity, to see the light at the end of the tunnel or what your future can look like when your mind and judgement are clouded by the darkness of clinical depression. It's like trying to hear a symphony when your ears are full of wax.

Joy Prevention Hotline
12-01-2014, 11:04 PM
I'm just tired of it and there's no guarantee things will get better.
I felt that way ten years ago. Getting the right medication was a real eyeopener I would've started taking Prozac in high school if I'd known what a difference it would make.

Instead I had to wait 20 years to learn that life can get better.

Joy Prevention Hotline
12-01-2014, 11:12 PM
But tonight is not a better night for me … first meltdown in a while. :(

I never know if it's just me or if I'm absorbing all the holiday stress from other drivers, but the month of December is a minefield. Once again I'm gonna have to wait till after 9 to drive home.

Cat Mom
12-01-2014, 11:24 PM
But tonight is not a better night for me first meltdown in a while. :(

I never know if it's just me or if I'm absorbing all the holiday stress from other drivers, but the month of December is a minefield. Once again I'm gonna have to wait till after 9 to drive home.
My mom is actually considering giving up her car when her lease is up next September. She took my advice and takes back routes, side streets, never expressways. Traffic used to really stress me out until I started listening to classical music in the car. It really helps!

Joy Prevention Hotline
12-01-2014, 11:37 PM
My mom is actually considering giving up her car when her lease is up next September. She took my advice and takes back routes, side streets, never expressways. Traffic used to really stress me out until I started listening to classical music in the car. It really helps!
I've been using music as a lifeline for years, avoiding heavily trafficked highways (my commute has to involve a expressway somewhere, so it's a lesser-evil thing). Back when the Prozac was putting me to sleep I'd find myself driving home after midnight, which was a great way to relax. Maybe I should drop the nortriptyline for a while … depends on whether this was an aberration or a sign of things to come.

Winter weather may be a problem this year. :(

aggroculture
12-02-2014, 02:43 PM
My anxiety levels have been through the roof lately. This is not good I need to calm down.

@Iran_Ed (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=571) Things do get better, at least that is my experience (I am in my late 30s). But more than that: they get different. Time passes, you change, life looks very different than before: it feels different, physically, mentally, emotionally; you become a different person over time, and that other person who was going through what you are now is left behind in many ways. And you puzzle, you have serious difficulties remembering exactly what the you of the past was feeling. You miss the old you sometimes, but mostly you are too busy facing other challenges, the ones in the present. What I'm trying to say is that whether you want it to happen or not, things will change. I can't promise they will improve. But I can promise they will be different, and it's worth sticking around to find out what will happen next.

Joy Prevention Hotline
12-03-2014, 09:08 PM
Last night went better. Maybe because I left work at 9:30, maybe because I made a conscious effort to physically relax — like letting my mouth hang open so I'm not gritting my teeth.

Also helps that I took the car in for an oil change yesterday. Unlike me, they know how to properly inflate tires, and my car always handles amazingly well afterward.

sentient02970
12-08-2014, 02:38 PM
For the past several months I've been having some odd comprehension issues. Things like instructions or lists of items tend to confuse me to the point where I need them repeated or clarified. Lately, at work, reading certain emails, I'm frustrated by what is obviously the sender's sloppy notational style of grammar, accuracy and to an extent, clarity. I find myself re-reading them to compartmentalize information and clear it up some. I also just end up getting thoroughly frustrated to the point of wanting either call the person to berate their lack of clarity and see if I can figure it out better over the phone or ignore them completely. But I'm really starting to question whether I'm simply not able to comprehend even difficult communications as easily as I should. Am I really getting THAT old??

marodi
12-08-2014, 04:13 PM
When I ended therapy last March, one of the last thing I had to do was to make a list of clues that would indicate that I was slipping back into the pattern of thoughts/actions that brought me there in the first place: isolation, self harm, increase of my OCD etc.

I'm now showing every clues of that list. I guess it's back to therapy again for me. :/

madmanfloyd
12-08-2014, 08:58 PM
I've always had problems making and keeping friends. I have been talking to a therapist lately who has told me i may be bipolar and im tending to agree with that assessment. I'm 38 and on a whim decided to enroll in community college this year and my first semester has been a success, depending on how well my western civ final goes, i should have 4 A's this semester which i'm stoked about, even with my attention spam being -80. I'm way too nice, my ex-gf is sitting on her ass in my apartment, drinking, complaining and watching t.v. I don't know of a polite way to tell this lazy, ignorant pain in my ass to take her butt to the slum hole she came from.

With all that said, i'm excited about my future, which is the first time i can say that in the past 8 years or so. Is it wrong me to be looking forward to 2015 like i am??

Cat Mom
12-08-2014, 09:25 PM
No, it's not wrong. It's great!

Polite way? Maybe just say, "you know, this just isn't working out, and you need to find another place by _______ <--- insert date here. I wish you all the luck in the world, let me know if you need help moving."

Cat Mom
12-08-2014, 09:28 PM
For the past several months I've been having some odd comprehension issues. Things like instructions or lists of items tend to confuse me to the point where I need them repeated or clarified. Lately, at work, reading certain emails, I'm frustrated by what is obviously the sender's sloppy notational style of grammar, accuracy and to an extent, clarity. I find myself re-reading them to compartmentalize information and clear it up some. I also just end up getting thoroughly frustrated to the point of wanting either call the person to berate their lack of clarity and see if I can figure it out better over the phone or ignore them completely. But I'm really starting to question whether I'm simply not able to comprehend even difficult communications as easily as I should. Am I really getting THAT old??

I'm just seeing this, now, but I think sometimes email communication and people being really stupid leads to total lack of clarity. I get the WORST emails from people, where I have to respond, NICELY, basically repeating what they say in bullet points in what I THINK they are trying to say, requesting clarification, because YES people really are that stupid and NO it's not you.

playwithfire
12-21-2014, 10:49 PM
OCD is awful. I'm actually beginning to consider therapy, which is not good and I am not happy about. It means I'm so exhausted and :( that I feel like I can't face it alone. I resent any "Oh she's finally taking a good step" because I've always considered therapy an option if it got this hard to bear.

Dra508
12-22-2014, 06:59 PM
I'm just seeing this, now, but I think sometimes email communication and people being really stupid leads to total lack of clarity. I get the WORST emails from people, where I have to respond, NICELY, basically repeating what they say in bullet points in what I THINK they are trying to say, requesting clarification, because YES people really are that stupid and NO it's not you.

Yes, but forgetfulness can be a sign of stress.

And yes, a lot people suck at email. Pick up the phone. sentient02970

Joy Prevention Hotline
12-22-2014, 07:58 PM
And yes, a lot people suck at email. Pick up the phone.
Hell no. I go out of my way to avoid the phone. {shudder}

Camille
12-23-2014, 04:00 PM
To all who may be alone or experiencing difficulties at this time of year.......hang on in there, I want to see all of you posting in the year ahead!!

Merry Christmas!

marodi
12-23-2014, 05:06 PM
Merry Christmas to you too, Camille! :)

Oh and Dra508 : I get cold sweat and heart palpitations if I have to call someone. *shrugs*

Dra508
12-23-2014, 06:11 PM
Hell no. I go out of my way to avoid the phone. {shudder}

Is that a phobia? Honest question.

theburningreptile
12-23-2014, 09:35 PM
Been a while since I posted in here. I hope you're all doing well! I sort of had an episode but not really last Saturday. My now ex-brother in-law was yelling at my sister and being a dick, you know? This has been going on since July, but she took him back every time. Anyway, he accuses her of cheating. He has no job, not a cent to his name. Needless to say she loved him for some reason even though he was a general asshole. Nooowww he went off on her for the last time. I got overwhelmed with emotion. Keep in mind I have split personalities that have been in check since 2011. Along with Autism, OCD,PTSD and Schizoaffective Disorder. I burst out into tears a trigger that I am going to turn. My mom was there and happened to calm me down. Anyway I didn't turn, thank whats ever up above because he was THIS close to getting his ass handed to him. Now he's gone and he'll never come back here. Which is a blessing to everyone in the house. Fuck drama, okay. I just needed to vent.

Joy Prevention Hotline
12-24-2014, 12:54 AM
Is that a phobia? Honest question.
I don't think so, as far as I understand phobias. The phone itself isn't a source of fear; I'm OK with incoming calls (though they can make me cranky if I'm distracted or otherwise unprepared to take the call). It's initiating calls that drives my anxiety levels way up — but if can get past that I'm usually OK unless there's some other, understandable fear involved.

If that makes any sense.

I tend to think of it as a social anxiety that happens to be going through a phone.

somethingelse
12-25-2014, 08:30 AM
That's exactly what it is, social anxiety. Irregardless of where it is coming from. I have the same feelings about using a phone.

I connect with people the best via chat programs, the internet. If we were to get to know one another online and then meet in person, you would think you were meeting two completely different people. Yet somehow, I still manage to fuck these connections up. This has happened in the last couple of days with a guy I've been chatting with for a few months now, and it's breaking my heart. It's like my brain won't let me have any connection with anyone for an extended period.
I hate my brain.
I wish I was another me.

Halo Infinity
12-27-2014, 11:15 PM
In the bad early days when I was going through total meltdowns, I'd pass out for a while and it always helped.
I was looking for this post because it took me a while to completely realize and accept that sleepiness leaves me to be more emotionally vulnerable as I'd get depressed or even angry for very little to no reason. I think that's why it helped a lot when I also stopped posting on the Internet whenever I was exhausted. I know I've mentioned this before, but I don't think I've mentioned this directly to you just yet, and thought that you'd definitely understand where I'm coming from as you've also been there yourself. As of now, I'm definitely trying to make it a habit to not even touch a keyboard whenever I'm drowsy. If it's not a matter of being depressed and angry, it's also a matter of my filter also going to sleep when I would far better off getting some actual sleep. It also leads me to lose self-control and it really is quite the slippery slope. However, I also understand that's what I get for sometimes taking sleep for granted. It's no wonder why it's sometimes better to sleep on things, as opposed to just trying to get everything done firing on all four cylinders in one shot.

And well, sometimes sleep also helps me realize and learn about life as it really does provide me some clarification to go with those moments of solace and serenity. I learned that letting go is also not necessarily the same as forgetting, not thinking about it and ignoring the problems. (In real life, lots of people have actually tried to convince me that it was the same thing, but to me, it actually isn't.) I've figured that if you've successfully managed to let things go, you'd be at peace and free from negativity no matter how many bad things you remember. And well, I also thought I'd tell you this, since you were understanding enough to have listened to me to almost post two pages of conversation in this topic a while back, even naturally without having to put with me. I still thank you for hearing me out and reaching out to me back then too.

With that being said, I still further realize and accept that I still have to work on letting go, as I've done far more running away, hiding and giving up in my life out of fear and sadness whenever I wasn't holding a grudge or being vengeful. This also might very well be a Love List post to you as well. :)

Cat Mom
12-27-2014, 11:32 PM
Dude, you should totally start keeping a journal. A private journal, not a public one. I've kept one for more than 30 years, with varying gaps. It's not only great for expressing your feelings, but it's great when you keep all of them and go back, later, and see patterns.

Reporting to yourself, in journal form, is more valuable than a public forum.

All of your public posts sound like things I say to myself when going through my private journals.

Honestly, journaling has kept me sane. I don't know what I'd do without it. And I've kept all of them. And seeing patterns when reviewing my journals, even accidentally, has caused positive changes in my life. Really, we just tend to repeat repeat repeat until we decide to change.

Halo Infinity
12-27-2014, 11:39 PM
I'll definitely keep that in mind, since it's sometimes better to keep it to myself, and a journal would be great outlet for me to vent in privacy, as I've had a tendency to bottle things up so many times whenever I'm alone, or when I had to be reserved for social reasons. I'm shocked that I actually forgot that and overlooked that as I remember being recommended to write a journal as well. I just felt like sharing it with Joy Prevention Hotline for now, because he really saw where I was coming from a while back.

(And that's also great idea, because starting next year, I really want to stop posting highly personal and sensitive things out in the open, especially after realizing just how personal and sensitive a lot of the stuff I've brought up really was. Plus, I just don't want to be more of a bother and a burden than I already am or was. At the very least, I'm just thankful for whatever good advice came my way though.)

With that being said, thank you very much. I definitely appreciate your suggestion, and will certainly keep it in mind, and practice from now on. You've also been very helpful as you always have. :D

Cat Mom
12-27-2014, 11:48 PM
It's good to be social, but you need to get to know yourself privately, too. An outlet, exactly. You are never truly going to open up like you will on a private journal. DO NOT do the electronic kind; trust me, I tried that. Write it on pad and paper. Choose a time and place each day, more often if needed (if you are under duress, tell it to your journal).

We live in a world bordering on too much disclosure. Privacy is also something to hold dear. Reserved is actually a classy attribute! ;-)

Edit: I'm not implying anything negative, here. All I am saying is that you will do far more self-discovery with a personal private journal; you seem to like to see patterns in your prior posts, so you would DEFINITELY benefit from keeping a library of private journals.

Cat Mom
12-28-2014, 12:09 AM
By the way, you don't need anything fancy!

For many years, I used one of these classic cheap Composition books (so does Eddie Vedder)

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41gLfjLbqGL.jpg

Now, I use the larger sized Moleskine books

http://fashiondad.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/moleskin-sketchbook.jpg

I have obsessed about the most comfortable writing instrument for years; I tried the mechanical pencil, since I'm a perfectionist and I erase a lot. But that resulted in faded writing, which was not good. I ended up liking medium point gel ink pens, black ink, and resolved to just scratching out errors. I have a very small hand so I need a writing instrument that won't cause fatigue or discomfort, very important if you write a lot. I nixed various pens for bleeding through pages.

Pillfred
12-28-2014, 03:48 AM
I've done this sporadically for about 15 years now. Oddly like allegro said I to have noticed patterns about my thought cycle, so to speak. And honestly quite recently started making connections to things in part due to that. I don't have many journals but they go back a fair ways as I at least finish one book out before the next. I have a fair bit I typed on my laptop that sounds for some, but I still generally prefer to physically write out stuff. I'm also kind of a pen nerd as well. Bic Atlantis are nice but seemingly fragile ad I've broken a few just from being in my pocket. They're cheap though. I'm rambling so I'll stop. This just struck me as a rather good point/idea, or something. What allegro said, not my half drunk and stoned ramblings.

Joy Prevention Hotline
12-28-2014, 06:29 AM
I was looking for this post because it took me a while to completely realize and accept that sleepiness leaves me to be more emotionally vulnerable as I'd get depressed or even angry for very little to no reason. I think that's why it helped a lot when I also stopped posting on the Internet whenever I was exhausted. I know I've mentioned this before, but I don't think I've mentioned this directly to you just yet, and thought that you'd definitely understand where I'm coming from as you've also been there yourself. As of now, I'm definitely trying to make it a habit to not even touch a keyboard whenever I'm drowsy.
I spent a few years being drowsy all the time because Prozac wrecks my internal clock if I don't have something else to counterbalance it (ultimately I had to resign myself to taking nortriptyline again just so I could have a normal daytime existence).

Prozac obviously worked against the emotional effects of lost sleep. Except when I tried to drive home from work without taking a nap first. I couldn't make it two miles before I turned into a raging lunatic (emphasis on "raging"), much worse than what I'm dealing with now. And home was 40 miles away. I'd get there and be totally rigid from some kind of last-ditch effort at self-control and have to lie down (awake) for hours until I got over it. So napping was much preferred to the alternative, even if I ended up driving home at 2 am.

It was very relaxing to drive home late at night, but on balance I'd rather have some say in when I sleep. (Don't ask me why I'm awake at 6 am, because I have no idea.)


DO NOT do the electronic kind; trust me, I tried that. Write it on pad and paper.
Heh. That would never work for me now writing (semi-)legibly is a nightmare because my hand jerks around too much. I sometimes wonder if it's some kind of mouse-related injury, but then again I had problems with hand cramps all through high school long before I encountered a mouse.

Keyboarder 4 life. ;)

Cat Mom
12-28-2014, 09:42 AM
Writing is a good exercise in discipline. It's also easier to go back through volumes of written journals vs electronic, kind of like Kindl vs paper. I can only write in very short installments, but that's okay.

Cat Mom
12-28-2014, 09:51 AM
Also, sleep is known to be really important

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2014/01/12/opinion/sunday/goodnight-sleep-clean.html?_r=0&referrer=

http://edition.cnn.com/2012/08/27/business/unconscious-mind-sleep-decision/

http://m.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/12/why-some-people-respond-to-stress-by-falling-asleep/282422/

Dra508
12-29-2014, 12:59 PM
Also, sleep is known to be really important

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2014/01/12/opinion/sunday/goodnight-sleep-clean.html?_r=0&referrer=

http://edition.cnn.com/2012/08/27/business/unconscious-mind-sleep-decision/

http://m.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/12/why-some-people-respond-to-stress-by-falling-asleep/282422/

Sleep is as important as diet and exercise. I'm a huge proponent of power naps (less than 20 minutes)

Joy Prevention Hotline
01-01-2015, 01:38 AM
I left the office at 8 instead of 9 the past two days, and I didn't go off on anyone (despite encountering several obviously drunk drivers). I'm so glad the holidays are over — I don't need other people's freakouts. Got enough of my own. :(

theruiner
01-04-2015, 02:38 PM
My depression is becoming overwhelming. This is getting really bad.

aggroculture
01-14-2015, 09:23 PM
I think I am manic depressive.
Which is better than being depressed, but...

elevenism
01-14-2015, 09:49 PM
I have had this awful experience and i don't know how to explain it, but i'm going to try.

I will be sitting and relaxing, and suddenly i will realize that i have been thinking about and dealing with OTHER issues, OTHER things...thinking OTHER thoughts, than those recognized by my conscious mind (for the past few hours.)

And whatever i have been thinking about or "dealing" with is utterly horrifying.
I try to remember it but it slips away like a dream.
It's happened to me 3 times in the past year, and it's the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.

It feels like the "other" thoughts are some kind of interaction with some sort of being or beings.

It feels like, i don't know, that there is a matrix type scenario and there is a glitch in the program...that i'm seeing through a veil that i'm not supposed to see through.

What is this? A dmt flash or serotonin burst of some kind?

Is this how people start thinking they've been abducted by aliens?

HAVE i been abducted by aliens? :p

Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?

Khrz
01-15-2015, 02:21 AM
Philip K Dick certainly has, but with the help of amphetamines. I'm not kidding, he had similar experiences, having a glimpse of the demiurge (in a gnostic sense) and the iron city that is reality...
I'm mentioning K Dick because his use of drugs created certain chemical imbalances in his brain, he'd spontaneously have visions, get abstract messages. Perhaps you should have a doctor check that out, or a good therapist may have an idea about what you're experiencing ?

elevenism
01-17-2015, 08:11 AM
ok Khrz . where can i learn about what happened to PKD?

i've used a lot of drugs over the years, recreational and psych meds both.

I REALLY hope this is something chemical, because the alternative is terrifying.

Pillfred
01-17-2015, 12:58 PM
Something is off and I'm not sure what it is. I'm beginning to feel alien in my own little piece if the world. This besides my day to day dealings with everyone else. I can't figure it out.

elevenism
01-17-2015, 01:11 PM
Something is off and I'm not sure what it is. I'm beginning to feel alien in my own little piece if the world. This besides my day to day dealings with everyone else. I can't figure it out.

you're gonna think i'm crazy, but i swear to god, the changing of the season affects me A LOT.

Like each new season is a new chapter or something, you know? EVERYTHING is different.

That's often the case for me...i will start to feel that way, sometimes in a good way or sometimes in a bad way, but always with the inescapable notion that something is different. And i will notice that a solstice or equinox has passed.

Substance242
01-17-2015, 05:33 PM
It feels like, i don't know, that there is a matrix type scenario and there is a glitch in the program...that i'm seeing through a veil that i'm not supposed to see through

I never tried drugs, but a few times during the years I happened to stay at home alone and drink alcohol straight for a week or so, disconnect from everything, fuck work, fuck mobile phones, fuck everything. I don't recommend that. :-)

And there were some weird things during the first two "cold turkey" days and especially nights, and what you elevenism describe reminded me one of them. I wanted to sleep, but could not of course, thoughts like "I fucked everything up" and "am I going to die now" etc, can't get away from that.

My eyes were shut but I was still looking at the room around me, and for a moments slide into strange state where everything was different, I was kind of awake and asleep at the same time, but it was not me, it was not that room, it was not this world at all, but I could not focus and remember and understand properly, thinking "wait... what was that..." after I came back. I also remember I was sure during those I can look at any internet page just in my head, read everything ever written, know things I could never possibly know, movies I have never seen, songs I've never heard... not mentioning some strange words composed of calmly flickering lights on my wall (like stars but warmer let's say), and faces looking at me in peace, or feeling someone is in the room with me... I don't think it was delirium tremens, I was aware of everything, heartbeat OK, not shaking, no fever, I knew what I see can't be true.

But, I gues it was just my poor brain trying to cope with the situation after being excited by alcohol for so long (after months of sobriety), needing to get electrically and chemically back together, after a few days everything was thankfully back to normal, it was mostly sleep that I needed. No medicine taken, just lots of water and tea and later fruits and vitamins when I was able to eat a bit.

During that time I started to understand words from What Dreams May Come which were something like "You were expecting physical danger? What could it do, kill ya, huh? No, in Hell there's real danger. Of losing your mind." That was my biggest fear then. Well, shit happens, let's look forward and try not to slip again. :-) (saying to myself)

Update: Maybe I should add - I was in a terrible state, too weak physically to e.g. go out and buy something to eat, but I was e.g. reading internet pages or watching TV almost OK. This shit started happening when I tried to sleep... I was soo sleepy, but also afraid of it at the same time. So after some weird feelings I got up and went to smoke, during which I felt sane again and perfectly able to worry about heart attack instead because I should not be smoking while being so weak. ;-) I shall pay more attention to myself next autumn.

Pillfred
01-17-2015, 08:07 PM
you're gonna think i'm crazy, but i swear to god, the changing of the season affects me A LOT.

Like each new season is a new chapter or something, you know? EVERYTHING is different.

That's often the case for me...i will start to feel that way, sometimes in a good way or sometimes in a bad way, but always with the inescapable notion that something is different. And i will notice that a solstice or equinox has passed.
Yeah I considered that as well. It's a thing I definitely have noticed myself. And have thought about a fair bit.

However this thread of thought has been a definite thing for a while now. Though thinking on it some it may be a culmination of things lately as well.

elevenism
01-17-2015, 11:09 PM
I appreciate you sharing that, Substance242 .

So the brain can do some very strange things.

i'm hoping this is just chemical.

Khrz
01-19-2015, 08:32 AM
ok @Khrz (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=2023) . where can i learn about what happened to PKD?

i've used a lot of drugs over the years, recreational and psych meds both.

I REALLY hope this is something chemical, because the alternative is terrifying.

I read it in his bio. The thing is, PKD was already your typical paranoid drug user, and became quite fascinated with gnosis, then


Dick began experiencing strange hallucinations. Although initially attributing them to his medication, after weeks of hallucinations he considered this explanation implausible. "I experienced an invasion of my mind by a transcendentally rational mind, as if I had been insane all my life and suddenly I had become sane," Dick told Charles Platt (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Platt_(author)).

So what I'm thinking is that he experienced something close or similar to what you described, except in his case it clicked in the context of a whole elaborate pre-existing framework. You merely mentioned the Matrix because that's the point of reference you can use, PKD could use an encyclopedic knowledge of the roman history, the lives of the saints and the Gnostic theology. Hence the Iron city, the demiurge, the neverending Empire etc...

So he had been using amphetamines regularly among other drugs for years, he was recovering from an administration of Penthotal at the time, it's not a huge stretch to believe his chemical balance was way off. Add to this a tendency to be depressive and paranoid (another kind of chemical imbalance), and a quasi obsessive fascination for everything spiritual.

That last part I've been through a few years ago, and you start to see signs everywhere, everything becomes meaningful, everything becomes a clue pointing towards something bigger, except you can never quite put your finger on it. It becomes a treasure hunt about your life, except no clue objectively makes sense, you just have the overwhelming certainty that it does.

All of this to say that PKD didn't have to be pushed really hard to go over the edge when this happened to him. In your case, talking to a doctor should be fine. :)

Baphomette
01-20-2015, 01:24 AM
I think I am manic depressive.
Which is better than being depressed, but...Bi-polar disorder is a beast but it can be controlled with meds and CBT. You need to make an appointment with either a psychologist or a psychiatrist pronto.

elevenism
01-20-2015, 12:36 PM
That last part I've been through a few years ago, and you start to see signs everywhere, everything becomes meaningful, everything becomes a clue pointing towards something bigger, except you can never quite put your finger on it. It becomes a treasure hunt about your life, except no clue objectively makes sense, you just have the overwhelming certainty that it does.


i've been like that forever.
also, i thought about the demiurge, or some kind of lovecraftian beings :(

"I experienced an invasion of my mind by a transcendentally rational mind, as if I had been insane all my life and suddenly I had become sane,"

And OH SHIT. That's a pretty good description of what happened to me.

i don't wanna try to explain it to a doctor. I just hope it doesn't happen again.

by the way @aggroculture (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=318) , i've been battling with bipolar disorder for 20 years. it's no fun, especially when the mania involves alcohol and pharmaceuticals, which just exacerbate the whole situation and make the depression part ten times worse.

if you get on meds, STAY on them. It's easy to say and hard to do...i need to follow my own advice.

Khrz
01-20-2015, 02:41 PM
i don't wanna try to explain it to a doctor. I just hope it doesn't happen again.

I honestly don't know if I would either, but since it's easier to give advice than to follow it : remember that if this is caused by a chemical imbalance, it implies that the very organ that evaluates the reality that surrounds you might be running on bad fuel. It may be temporary, but if it isn't it means that next time you won't suspect that there's a Hidden Truth, you might become positively convinced of it.
Your brain is the only tool assessing the world around you, we're not equipped with objective gauges to determine what's real or not. When that organ is compromised, all bets are off.
If it happens again, you will have to seriously think about talking to a therapist. If PKD went through this, many others did, you're not a freak and any competent therapist will know what you're talking about and why it is happening to you.

Sidenote : I still play that game of signs and omens, except I don't take it as seriously as I used to. I merely use it as a mirror of thoughts, analyzing what my thoughts and reflections are when I pick a symbol/archetype around me, how I instinctively react to it. Instead of focusing on the sign itself as I used to, I focus on my reaction towards it. It's like a game of Ouija where the spirit answering is merely my Self.

Sarah K
01-20-2015, 02:48 PM
I've been off of Welbutrin since the end of December and I hate it.

Joy Prevention Hotline
01-20-2015, 11:53 PM
That last part I've been through a few years ago, and you start to see signs everywhere, everything becomes meaningful, everything becomes a clue pointing towards something bigger, except you can never quite put your finger on it.
I had some of that in high school and part of college. But when I turned 21 I got flattened by depression and lost that sense of future possibilities. Sigh…

elevenism
01-21-2015, 01:13 AM
Sidenote : I still play that game of signs and omens, except I don't take it as seriously as I used to. I merely use it as a mirror of thoughts, analyzing what my thoughts and reflections are when I pick a symbol/archetype around me, how I instinctively react to it. Instead of focusing on the sign itself as I used to, I focus on my reaction towards it. It's like a game of Ouija where the spirit answering is merely my Self.

i do too. and i honestly feel that it's god interacting with me.
i would elaborate but i just had this surgery and i am in terrible fucking pain.

As far as becoming positively convinced of a "Hidden Truth," well, what if there IS one?
THAT is what gives me the fear.

There is absolutely a spirit world. I am 100% certain of this fact. I have seen and experienced SO much of it, as have my mother, brother, sife, sister in law, etc. "sensitivity" to this shit runs in the family.

What if there is some sort of god awful lovecraftian truth? what if there IS a demiurge and it DOESN'T CARE ABOUT US?
THAT is what gives me the fear.
@Sarah K (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=3236) , why are you off the medicine? i thought it was a godsend for you. :(

i am on it now, thanks to your recommendation.

Khrz
01-21-2015, 01:39 AM
As far as becoming positively convinced of a "Hidden Truth," well, what if there IS one?
THAT is what gives me the fear.

Sorry, I completely forgot that you're christian. I tend to be a bit down to earth when it comes to "hidden truths" because as an agnostic they don't really contradict anything...
As such I'd reply "If there's a hidden truth, well there's not much we can do about it anyway isn't it ?", but I get that the thought might be a lot more unsettling to you.
And to be completely honest, the mere thought of a caring god is to me just as terrifying as the thought of an uncaring one...

But we're starting to argue about faith and reality in a mental health thread, I think a lot of people would object to that :p

Sarah K
01-21-2015, 10:15 AM
[QUOTE=elevenism;238375
@Sarah K (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=3236) , why are you off the medicine? i thought it was a godsend for you. :(

i am on it now, thanks to your recommendation.[/QUOTE]

It was and is. I was back in Nebraska when I ran out, and when I first got prescribed it, I was like desperate. So I made an appointment at the only place in NYC that I could find that had an opening the next day. They're shady as shit, and in order to make documents look like you actually had a visit, they won't send in prescriptions over the phone unless you come sign your name on a piece of paper.

Anyway, it takes me like an hour and a half to get there. I've had plans every single night except last Friday. So, I just went home and did nothing that night. I just can't find enough motivation to travel all the way out there when I'm free. Which, I acknowledge is a problem due to me not being on the medication.

Vicious cycle'd. Hopefully I make it out there next week, and then I can get in with a different doctor after that.

elevenism
01-22-2015, 12:52 AM
It was and is. I was back in Nebraska when I ran out, and when I first got prescribed it, I was like desperate. So I made an appointment at the only place in NYC that I could find that had an opening the next day. They're shady as shit, and in order to make documents look like you actually had a visit, they won't send in prescriptions over the phone unless you come sign your name on a piece of paper.

Anyway, it takes me like an hour and a half to get there. I've had plans every single night except last Friday. So, I just went home and did nothing that night. I just can't find enough motivation to travel all the way out there when I'm free. Which, I acknowledge is a problem due to me not being on the medication.

Vicious cycle'd. Hopefully I make it out there next week, and then I can get in with a different doctor after that.

i feel you. it sucks...that's the main problem with ANY psych meds for me, coming off of them and getting back on them all the damn time.

Sarah K
01-22-2015, 09:13 AM
I have plans for tonight, but don't think I'm going to go. Kinda the only plan-less night for the next while. So if the doctor is in today, I'm going to try to force myself to go after work.

Sarah K
01-23-2015, 02:58 PM
I tried to go last night, but when I called to check, they said the doctor wasn't going to be in until Monday.

Now I'm just having an awful fucking day. I'm on my period on top of it, and I just want to go to bed and die for the weekend. I'm supposed to see Louis CK tomorrow, and I'm already thinking of ditching my ticket.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cuddle. And I hate cuddles.

halloween
01-23-2015, 05:43 PM
Every two weeks, I feel extremely weepy and depressed. It's obvious it's because I'm lonely and don't have any friends where I live. I don't know why I did this to myself, I didn't enjoy growing up here and I'm not sure why I thought living here after college would change any. I still keep driving back to where I have friends two hours away where I went to college. Ugh. Just because I felt I had better job options here, which I'm happy with but now I need to leave. I'm just glad I signed a 6mo lease and I have four months left. There isn't even that much going on here where I can go out and meet people, since it's such a small town. Tonight I decided to go out to a DJ dance party at a bar just to change my damn scenery.

Update. I didn't end up going out because I was crying too much and my face looks like shit and I was afraid of how that would come across to people.

elevenism
01-25-2015, 04:16 PM
Most of you know that if you ever need someone to talk to, PM me. @halloween (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=95) , @Sarah K (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=3236) .
Anyone, anytime.
Someone i didn't really know literally saved my life that way and i try to pay it forward.
I don't do ANYTHING, so i have time.

SO
The terrifying things that have been happening to me...i think i've discovered their source.
I looked up the wellbutrin side effects and found


false beliefs that cannot be changed by facts
having extreme distrust of people
seeing, hearing, or feeling things that are not there


The four episodes i have had were the scariest thing that ever happened to me...like "make you want to kill yourself so it will stop" scary.

Due to my experiences with the supernatural, i thought it was real.

Now i'm pretty sure it's the drug...thank god!

edit: i'm glad you saw this, Khrz , and thanks for discussing it with me.:)

Khrz
01-25-2015, 04:27 PM
And here I was feeling bad because I felt that my side of the discussion amounted to an hesitant shrug. I'm glad you were able to pinpoint its origins so quickly !

aggroculture
01-26-2015, 04:03 PM
A "down" day. It just turns on a dime like that, it's weird.
Nothing feels right, can't get anything done.

Thanks for the advice/concern: if it becomes something I feel needs help I will make a move in that direction.

Joy Prevention Hotline
01-30-2015, 01:02 AM
I looked up the wellbutrin side effects and found


false beliefs that cannot be changed by facts
having extreme distrust of people
seeing, hearing, or feeling things that are not there

Good Lord. Strattera makes me a tad nihilistic, but I'd be totally freaked out if a (non-psychedelic) drug affected my sense of reality like that.

Pillfred
01-30-2015, 03:44 AM
Everyday makes me a tad bit nihilistic.

elevenism
02-06-2015, 12:05 AM
And here I was feeling bad because I felt that my side of the discussion amounted to an hesitant shrug. I'm glad you were able to pinpoint its origins so quickly !

Oh no, man. What was happening to me was hard to understand, hard to explain. But you understood, listened and responded. It meant a lot, man.

Sarah K
02-06-2015, 12:07 AM
Back on the drugs.

I LOVE LIFE

Digital Twilight
02-06-2015, 04:46 AM
First night off sleeping tablets and I only got about 3 -4 hours:(

On a more positive note these new AD are much better than my last ones. I can actually get up in the morning and function unlike the last ones.

Sarah K
02-06-2015, 09:54 AM
So a few months ago, a friend made a suicidal sounding post on facebook, and only made it visible to certain people. It basically said... "Tired of this life thing, at least I can go out with good hair". So I contact one of his friends who lives out there(he is in Cali) to call the cops. The address associated with his phone number is outdated. Anyway, we eventually get the correct address, and they make contact with him. He starts getting help and shit. I thought things were going better.

In the middle of the night last night, he sends me a link to a video. It doesn't load on my phone. But I just watched it on the computer, and it is a goddamn video of him cutting himself. Ugh. It's on his chest. Superficial and attention seeking. But I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I live so fucking far away and it makes me feel really helpless. He is crying out for help from someone who has a very limited capacity to help. :(

elevenism
02-09-2015, 02:31 AM
Sarah K , having lost two close friends to suicide at the end of last year, i suggest you try to talk to the motherfucker.

But don't feel too bad if he snuffs it. There's only so much you can do.
I made one of the friends promise me she wouldn't hurt herself, and she went ahead and did it anyway a couple of days later.

It sucked, but it's what she wanted, i guess. But if i hadn't tried, i'd feel all fucked up you know?

Maybe you should try reaching out to people who are closer to him (girlfriend/boyfriend, parents...)

Hey, that reminds me. This method is a little extreme, but it worked on a friend of mine.

He sent me a message just giving me a "heads up" that he was going to kill himself on the steps of the courthouse "on tuesday" or some shit like that.

I posted all over the facebooks "SO AND SO PLANS TO KILL HIMSELF ON TUESDAY. PLEASE DO WHATEVER YOU CAN TO PREVENT THIS SENSELESS ACT."

He's still with us. His crazy ass wife isn't though, she's the one who promised me she wouldn't hurt herself.

But i learned the hard way that sometimes people mean it, you know?

Glad to hear you got yer meds. :)

Baphomette
02-09-2015, 03:11 AM
But don't feel too bad if he snuffs it.Really fucked up thing to say.

elevenism
02-09-2015, 04:18 AM
Really fucked up thing to say.
oh good god that came out wrong.

what i mean is, i have been dealing a LOT lately with the whole "was there something i could have said or done differently" in the deaths of two VERY close friends.

and, @Miss Baphomette (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=11) , i've realized that i can't blame myself.

i certainly didn't mean that the person's life wasn't valuable and he shouldn't be mourned if he died. i didn't mean that in the least.

what i mean is that when people decide to kill themselves, there is only so much you can do and you can't blame yourself forever.

and the person crying out for help to @Sarah K (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=3236) ... i worry that if he kills himself, she could possibly feel like it was her fault because she didn't say or do the right thing.

what i should have said was "if he commits suicide, remember that, no matter what, it isn't your fault."

Joy Prevention Hotline
02-09-2015, 10:16 PM
what i should have said was "if he commits suicide, remember that, no matter what, it isn't your fault."
I understood what you meant to say, even if the way you said it was … startling. :)

elevenism
02-10-2015, 01:13 AM
yeaaaaahh...i'm sorry, y'all

elevenism
02-11-2015, 01:27 AM
my wife is very strange after she almost died.
she doesnt talk much and she's just different.
it worries me.

Ryan
02-11-2015, 05:18 AM
Don't feel too bad if she snuffs it