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Halo Infinity
08-24-2013, 06:19 PM
For quite some time I thought of making a thread about friendships and acquaintanceships in real life. (And after seeing how successful the thread about lovers was, I thought of giving a thread about friendship a shot.) How is your circle of friends? Are you a social butterfly or a lone wolf? Or are you a hybrid of both? Is it easy for you to make friends? Does making friends also get harder as you age, or does it actually get easier? And not that it should really matter, but did you ever become popular within a large group of friends too?

As for me, I mostly have acquaintances, and most of my close friends just grew apart from relocating, clashes due to misunderstandings, or pursuing different interests and endeavors or being hectic with work and/or school. I also noticed that friends seem to drift apart after finding love, or starting a career too. I understand that there are, and can be exceptions, but that often seems to be the case as well. And yes, it has left me alone for the most part, that is unless I'm at occasions such as family gatherings, weddings, funerals, or birthday parties with friends, family, and/or acquaintances.

The_Prowler
08-24-2013, 06:34 PM
I have a few close friends, but a lot of acquaintances. But I've always been someone who much prefers a relatively small "inner circle" than 500 people I have to keep in constant contact with. I'm also an introvert, so I've never been all that outgoing when it comes to making new friends and meeting new people. But I've devoted a lot of energy to changing that. Some days are better than others, though. I'm usually much more outgoing when I'm out at a gig since I'm in a place where I'm more "in my element". Then again, most of my best friends are ones I've met online.
I've had friends drift apart from me after starting jobs or finding love, so I know how much that can hurt. That's why I always try extra hard to maintain close friendships if anything like that happens in my life (even though I don't have a job outside the music world and my love life is, for lack of a better word, dead). Then again, I've never been someone who absolutely has to talk to someone every single day for four hours. Most of my friends and I can comfortably go for days or weeks without talking and not losing a single beat the next time we talk or get together.
And despite what most people would have you believe, making friends is not something that gets easier as you get older. I sucked at making friends when I was a child, and mostly I still suck at it today. You just have to know your strengths and work with them.

Butterscotch
08-24-2013, 06:35 PM
I am a total loner. Always have been. Making friends seems to be difficult for me, both IRL and online.

playwithfire
08-24-2013, 11:17 PM
I have a small circle of friends (a big portion of whom I know from here <3 OH YOU GUYS) and an even smaller circle of ones that I'm really close to. I think that maybe on some level I'm just kinda awkward and don't meet that many people. Also, I've totally got some sort of little wounded chip on my shoulder somewhere inside my brain where I just figure that I'm not really the person people end up wanting to be close with, when in reality it's probably that I'm just bad at establishing that dynamic or something. Maybe I'm bad at it. I dunno.

Also, some of my greatest friendships were so unexpected.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bklA2oPVKUU ALSO THIS VIDEO FOREVER

Ripe(withdecay)
08-24-2013, 11:21 PM
Well, I've had the same friends for years now but it feels like we all drift apart at times. I go days without talking to them and then we'd randomly hang out. Socially, I'm super fucking awkward. I have a hard time thinking of how to respond to anything cause I just don't know what to say. I don't go out much either, and I don't talk to much people outside of my friend zone.

Halo Infinity
09-05-2013, 08:12 PM
The way friends drift apart is what usually caught me off guard. I used to expect people to actually say goodbye and explain why they're leaving, but it's often done through silence and distance alone. It sort of feels a bit out there and unreal to me, but I suppose that's what happens when I grew up getting used to expecting such things to be admitted and explained. It's like out of nowhere they'd just find ways to tell me they're busy, and I'm not saying that they're all lying, but perhaps it's a hint I should've learned to take a long time ago. One of them even told me that he'd rather not have me call him and that he'd call me.

As far as making friends, that's always been a challenge for me, considering that I'm not even fond of hanging out in large groups. A small circle of friends, or even going in one-on-one seemed more preferable to me, but that also depends on how well I even get along with them to start with. Another thing I noticed in friendships is that friends usually seem to expect everybody to accept their friends, family, and loved ones. Not getting along with all or any of them is bound to prevent you from making and keeping friends.

I've never understood why people just don't try to be accommodating in matters such as that. If I was friends with two or more people that hated each other, I'd try to make a way for them to not cross paths if I were to spend time with them. Then again, I could somewhat, and ironically understand why that would be a complete waste of time, effort, and energy for some, or even lots of people.

(It also turns out that I've only recently realized how complex and challenging making and keeping friends can really be. It's quite the paradoxical crapshoot combined with hard work and dumb luck. I also used to think that having most of the same interests and time to hang out together and have fun was just about all I need, but even that's sometimes not enough.)

thefragile_jake
09-30-2013, 10:06 PM
http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3339/3550266665_99f2b113e2_z.jpg?zz=1

I miss these guys so much. This was a picture of me and my friends used for our grindcore / post-hardcore band called Dick Ford.

Oh Myspace and scene kid days.

Halo Infinity
10-03-2013, 08:57 PM
I really am convinced that perhaps one of my biggest problems with making friends is that I'm bad at teasing. I also don't understand it. I don't see why I'd have to do that in order to make and keep friends. I also noticed that me being bad at teasing, or not wanting anything to do with teasing has deterred other people from wanting to get to know me. I'm also referring to real life interactions by the way, but it has also certainly affected online interactions as well.

And it wasn't always because I was upset or in a bad mood. From the looks of it analyzing jokes kills not only the jokes, but their mood. I've been called a kill-joy because of that. And then when I questioned the nature of teasing, it seemed to make people want to leave me ASAP. I learned to just keep those questions to myself since then, as I have also noticed they get defensive when you question the motives behind their teasing.

And from the looks of it, this makes people think I'm always serious. To me, it's more about being safe than it is about being serious. I wouldn't want to mess with the wrong guy at the wrong time, nor run such a risk. It doesn't mean I've lost my ability to laugh altogether. I'm just a bit more reserved and guarded when it comes to it. However, it sometimes seems like lots of people wouldn't want to hang out with a guarded person. (Which was another reason why I avoid large groups.)

Cat Mom
10-03-2013, 10:36 PM
I still talk all the time with a girlfriend I've had for FORTY YEARS as of next year.

Besides her and my husband, I currently have two other best friends: one I met on here in 2004; one was my college art prof I met in 2004.

Besides them (and my mom), that's it. I have acquaintances but I don't consider them "friends."

I have always focused on quality vs. quantity when it comes to friends.

miss k bee
10-04-2013, 07:41 PM
I have about 3 friends and my sister who I get on well with but lives abroad with my mum. I have never had a load of friends and I prefer it that way tbh.

Halo Infinity
10-05-2013, 12:40 AM
I find myself to be exactly the same way. I'd like to have friends that are like brothers and sisters I never had.

Sarah K
10-05-2013, 12:48 AM
I have a handful of friends who I would do anything in my power for. The type who I can go a month without speaking to, and it is as if we never missed a moment.

Then, I have a pretty big circle of people I can party and hang out with.

But shit is about to change, as I'm moving to a place where I know exactly two people. My greatest fear is of losing those few genuine friends.

onthewall2983
10-05-2013, 01:02 AM
I think I've made my first female acquaintance that's purely platonic. It's interesting, but weirdly I think I've had all my life to prepare for it. Raised by my mother mostly, with my two sisters not that far behind. Most of the effective teachers I had growing up were women as well.

I'm liking it.

Halo Infinity
10-07-2013, 11:55 PM
I think a good two to three friends would be great right about now. I kind of see how and why it obviously increases reasons to go out and hang out. One on one interaction is still good, but I've figured we'd have to have a real good rapport, since it's still possible to have some or even lots of things in common, but still not get along due to a lack of acceptance or tolerance in some areas, or just flat-out misunderstandings.

Two to three people seems like a nice limit for me as far as socializing in real life goes. And when it comes to traveling and just going out, especially late at night, I'll admit that there is an added safety and convenience that isn't there as much, or even altogether when you're all alone. For instance you can get rides if you can't drive or won't drive, with some added safety in numbers, etc.

I also didn't realize that friends that usually hang out with each other in real life, hang out when they're only located at walking distances from one another. I didn't realize that driving or using public transportation for even under an hour was too much for lots of people. For instance, a drive or a ride that takes 20 minutes to 45 minutes to hang out is too much out of the way for some or even lots of people.

frankie teardrop
10-08-2013, 11:27 AM
i went from having a slew of friends to keeping just a few close ones, a result of giving up most of my nightlife and realizing who was really a friend vs. a glorified acquaintance. i'm more or less ok with this, as the few people i hang out with on a regular basis are wonderful and are people i can count on. quality > quantity these days.

in general, i get along better with girls and have more close female friends overall, though one of my closest friends these days is a dude (and a board member- ha!), as was my ex-best friend.

i knew my "best friend" (at the time) from fourth grade until recently. we always had a compilcated relationship- his family was very kind and generous with both their money and their company in a time when i was going through a rough period with my parents' divorce and the subsequent fallout. however, my friend in general, was always too aloof, clueless, and unknowingly mean and selfish at my expense. a brief example: i would tell him i was interested in someone, and he'd date her almost within the week, break her heart, and move on to the next girl without so much as a moment's consideration for my feelings. he would also call up on christmas morning and gloat about all the expensive gifts he got for christmas. both of those things sound minor, but these sort of incidents kept happening over the course of our 20 year friendship. there was always competition between us, and while most of it made me a better person in the long run, it still hurt incredibly over the years.

despite all this, we were incredibly close, shared many important experiences together, had some great memories. he was the best man AND officient at my wedding, though we technically were married in city hall the day before.

we stopped talking in 2010 or so, over an incident with his relationship choices (cheating/etc. on his fiancee) and insulting me directly about a band i was in. we became friends again after a year, and quickly fell off again after he made a similar mistake. it's a long story, but needless to say it's probably for the best, even though it feels like losing your brother... at this point in time, we're civil with each other to the point of brief, catch-up emails, but i can't imagine we'll ever be close friends again, nor should we...

meanwhile, i just heard he had a kid (he is the most selfishly irresponsible person i've ever known) and this bums me out to no end, but i do hope that it helps him to become a stronger, better person and a good father. here's hoping...

InsecureSpike
10-08-2013, 12:17 PM
I don't understand friendship!
my borderline personality disorder is to thank for that!
i never have had or ever will have a close friend (not counting the missus) I can't grasp the idea, the plus points etc, I have no interest in friendship or friends, and I can't understand if it would be good to have one? I have mates, but they are just people I know, but wouldn't call them friends, as I've said I don't understand the concept, I can see it exists with other people, the "bond" they have, and I can be curious about it, I've asked my care worker about "friends" and he kinda assured me it's my illness that stops me from getting any kinda grasp on this "phenomenon" in my world, friend or friendship is just a word, that I'll never fully understand the meaning of,

theruiner
10-08-2013, 07:07 PM
I've got a few close friends and a decent amount of acquaintances. I guess I've always been that way.

I know I've mentioned her about a billion times here, but I have the most incredible friendship with my best friend. Thirteen years later (and seven years after I moved to another state) we're still just as close as we've ever been and it still amazes me. I don't know what I'd do without her and I can honestly say my life would be so much poorer without her in it.

The_Prowler
10-11-2013, 12:50 AM
I've got a few close friends and a decent amount of acquaintances. I guess I've always been that way.

I know I've mentioned her about a billion times here, but I have the most incredible friendship with my best friend. Thirteen years later (and seven years after I moved to another state) we're still just as close as we've ever been and it still amazes me. I don't know what I'd do without her and I can honestly say my life would be so much poorer without her in it.
I have a friend just like that. I've known her for years, and we're more like brother and sister than friends most of the time. She disappeared for a few years because of a bad relationship she was in, but as soon as she got out of it, she called me the very next day and it was immediately like no time had passed between us at all, and we're closer now than we were before.

Halo Infinity
10-28-2013, 10:43 PM
I'm referring to hanging out with friends in real life. I'm well aware that it's completely different when it comes to Internet realms/standards.

I really think what I'm looking for, is to just be able to spend time with close friends, and make close friends, or spend time with acquaintances that I'd respect/cherish as if they were family. The more the merrier as a means to kill time and fill space doesn't really mean that much or anything to me, as I've always searched for quality over quantity. In retrospect, I sort of see why I shouldn't have verbalized that in real life as it made me look arrogant and obnoxious. I still have to accept that it does get harder to make friends as you age though.

I also just wanted to get that off my chest, as I forgot about that for a while. I'm also sorry if that looked stuck up, since that's not my intention behind saying that at all.

rhet
10-28-2013, 11:27 PM
ever since i changed careers from soul sucking customer service to something more creative and in line with my interests, i've been meeting loads of really awesome and like-minded people but am really struggling to turn acquaintances into friendships. i've invited some of the people i've really hit it off with out for coffee or a drink or for instance to a smallish casual halloween party i'm having this weekend but nothing ever comes from it and i don't want to come off as super desperate by making loads of attempts. why is it so hard to make a work friend into a normal friend. *sigh*

Halo Infinity
10-28-2013, 11:31 PM
What puzzles me even more is that it's very easy for some people. I've seen pictures on Facebook, and they seem to be partying and hanging out with whoever they could find at work/school. (But for all I know, it's probably not as glamorous as it looks behind the scenes.)

Dra508
10-29-2013, 12:04 AM
. why is it so hard to make a work friend into a normal friend. *sigh*I remember a woman I worked with upon telling her I got a new job said : "great, now we can really be friends."

rhet
10-29-2013, 12:06 AM
What puzzles me even more is that it's very easy for some people. I've seen pictures on Facebook, and they seem to be partying and hanging out with whoever they could find at work/school. (But for all I know, it's probably not as glamorous as it looks behind the scenes.)

yeah i certainly wouldn't take Facebook as an accurate representation of someone's life thats for sure. everyone is curating their identity on there. the other day i read something along the lines of practice practice practice and make mistakes but only post it online once you get it right so it looks like you got it the first time. except more clever. but you get the point.


I remember a woman I worked with upon telling her I got a new job said : "great, now we can really be friends."

how strange. the weird part for me is that i work with a different crew every time so its not like our friendship would get in the way of our ongoing professional relationship. instead, you work really closely with people for a few days, make a bond and then just never see them ever again. which makes me sad lol

Dra508
10-29-2013, 10:23 AM
the weird part for me is that i work with a different crew every time so its not like our friendship would get in the way of our ongoing professional relationship. instead, you work really closely with people for a few days, make a bond and then just never see them ever again. which makes me sad lolWhat you think is weird, maybe exactly why people don't invest in friendships. They figure they aren't going to see you again. Not that life is a sitcom, but how many of those shows are about people working together and being friends. I'll qualify that with - it's usually when you're first starting out in the working world that work and friendship is combined, just like school and friendship. It's when you get older and you have all these different sets of friends, then marriage and family take a lot of time. Next thing you know, you are going to work, whatever that might be, saying 'I don't need more friends'.

pigpen
10-29-2013, 09:52 PM
I used to have quite a few friends, but as time went by we all kind of went our separate ways I suppose.
I've also lost a fucking TON of confidence in the last few years, so that keeps me at home by myself most of the time...
I feel like I'm really starting to feel the effects of that lately, though.

Halo Infinity
11-02-2013, 11:41 PM
yeah i certainly wouldn't take Facebook as an accurate representation of someone's life thats for sure. everyone is curating their identity on there. the other day i read something along the lines of practice practice practice and make mistakes but only post it online once you get it right so it looks like you got it the first time. except more clever. but you get the point.
That's probably just among the reasons why it probably wasn't always as it seemed to be. I've seen people in pictures of them of partying with lots of friends and acquaintances, and posts of them joking and laughing, yet they happen to also post about loneliness, anger, emptiness, boredom, and depressing. It's hard for me to imagine people being lonely with lots of friends, sex, drinking, and partying. (With the exception of getting burnt out and getting sent to intensive care units, breaking the law, or just having a really shitty job.) You'd think they'd be in Heaven. It boggles my mind, as I'm also the type of person that doesn't pretend to be happy. I don't see the point in that.

redshoewearer
11-02-2013, 11:58 PM
I remember a woman I worked with upon telling her I got a new job said : "great, now we can really be friends."

This is so true. I have a lot of people I'm 'friendly' with, but they are my customers. Until there's no money between them and me, I don't feel like we can truly be friends. Because so much of my time is taken with my customers and my work, I don't really have time for friends, but my husband is my friend. There's a few people who are customers who I feel like would be friends if I wasn't in the business that I am. I have made some acquaintances at the school I go to, but it could not be defined as friend level yet. I don't take the word friend lightly.

Halo Infinity
11-03-2013, 09:47 PM
I don't take it lightly either. Sure, we all make mistakes and have flaws, but friendships in my opinion always take time and depth, and I'm realizing more and more that sometimes having some or even a lot of things in common isn't ever enough. It should be a bond akin to family, as if that person is your brother or sister. And of course, it's impossible to have everybody as a close friend, and I'm not trying to say that there's anything wrong with casual friends or acquaintances either. I'm merely just speaking for myself.

playwithfire
11-04-2013, 03:55 AM
Sometimes I end up talking about my lack of close friends with my boyfriend (who comparatively has quite a few). Tonight was one of those nights. I just don't have many close friends.

And talking on the phone? Like the only person I ever talk on the phone to is my boyfriend. Meeehhhh.

rhet
11-04-2013, 04:37 AM
is talking on the phone required for making friends these days? maybe thats where I'm going wrong. I Skype happily with some of my long distance friends for hours but only ever talk on an actual phone with my husband or immediate family.

playwithfire
11-04-2013, 04:41 AM
rhet, Noooo. I don't think it is at all. Honestly, doing so would feel a bit strange to me, I think. I'm not that close with many people where it wouldn't be awkward. But I know so many people that do that shit.

rhet
11-04-2013, 05:03 AM
yeah exactly. i always feel really caught off guard when I randomly get a call I wasn't expecting as well so texting is much preferred.

in other news, i met some really cool people yesterday but again was mostly a networking thing so again not gonna make any real friends from that. maybe i should just resign myself to working with awesome people and talking about my feelings to people on the internet. could be worse!

Halo Infinity
12-25-2013, 03:10 AM
This is such an inopportune time for me to post this in a way, but I really wanted to be sure about this, and of course wanted an opinion aside from my own. Is it really all that normal for friends to insult each other as a joke or a way to "verbally play fight", and is not being able to handle that a deal breaker for some people?

Joking around, especially in the context of "play insults/verbal play fighting" isn't my forte at all. I've observed friendships, and a lot of them seem to make fun of each other. I don't understand it at all, since some of their jokes actually appear to be vicious and insidious. This is also among some of the things I've bottled up for quite some time.

This isn't to say that I'm completely innocent either, as I've also used "Just kidding." or "It's just a joke." as an excuse to say douchey things in the past, and then of course, I've learned the hard way as to why I shouldn't joke that way to start with.

Oh, and this DEFINITELY DOES NOT mean that I interpret every joke as cruel. Some people seem to think that I mean that whenever I bring these points up, but I really don't. :p

I also think it's the worst is also when you see friends that crack on other friends, and are absolutely fine with being brutally honest to them until they're the ones getting cracked on while being subjected to brutal honesty. And then all of a sudden, it's just wrong. :rolleyes:

playwithfire
12-25-2013, 10:54 AM
nevermind

Halo Infinity
12-27-2013, 01:48 PM
I really should've said something like that. I've learned the hard way that some, or even lots of people actually get frustrated, irritated, and aggravated whenever I asked if they were serious, or asked them to explain their jokes for me. I didn't realize how annoying that was to some, or even lots of people. This is even if I'm not throwing a fit, or showing any signs of being upset, as other people have really mean it when they've told me that having to have jokes explained ruins it for them to the point of being pissed off, and being a killjoy altogether.

It was either that, or if I didn't end up smiling and/or laughing, it just seemed to bother them, or make them feel awkward even if I wasn't giving them any dirty looks, or looking as if I was bored/annoyed/sad/pissed. These clashing misunderstandings have also prevented me from wanting to be around them, as I'm sure they didn't want to be around me after something like that as well.

And well, for anybody that hasn't seen me admit this yet, I also suck at joking around in general. I also wish that humor wasn't an enormous factor in making and keeping friends. It's still hard for me to explain... because I can still see how uptight I'm looking from this. I've been burned so many times, I just don't know how to process it all from time to time. The least I can do is to not bust anybody's chops, or yank anybody's chains as those expressions go.

Lew
01-15-2014, 01:32 PM
i have been pretty blessed with friends and acquaintances through my life, but i have to say i have this one friend that is, literally, a god send.
i didn't know that i could value a woman this much, outside of my family.
she has made me cry with laughter and joy and resonance.
i have always enjoyed bonds with people, but this is something different...as in my life is epically enriched because she is in it.
less than an hour ago, she helped me shift my perspective so that i went from gagging and almost throwing up with emotional turmoil to centered and distanced enough to do something effective with the source of the emotional turmoil.
i am someone who prefers being alone to being around others, overall, but i never pass on seeing her or talking to her.
i can be horribly self conscious and socially awkward sometimes and she just gets it, every time.
i still cannot believe she exists.

Ryan
01-19-2014, 09:35 PM
Kris - are you male or female?

Halo Infinity
01-19-2014, 09:44 PM
@Ryan (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=67) - I'm a male, and was also Kristoffer on ETS back in 2004 when I first started posting. That usually helps ring a bell for other users that have been around just as long as me, or longer than me on ETS.

Cat Mom
01-19-2014, 09:50 PM
Ryan and I were here in 2004 (January of 2004 for me, lurking in 2003) and I don't remember you, but maybe you weren't one of the really mean people. This place wasn't always full of friendly people singing Kumbaya. Back then, they would have shit-listed you for this thread.

My friends and I do not insult each other. Ever. We don't joke like that, we don't think it's funny.

Halo Infinity
01-19-2014, 10:05 PM
@allegro (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=76) - Oh yes, I definitely remember it all too well. I was even more outspoken, and my filter was really off back then.

(But I didn't do it to be mean, and I was very unaware as to how easy it was to get shit-listed. And as result, I ended up doing far more lurking than posting. And simply being much more a loose cannon back then compared to how I am now also didn't help. :eek:)

By the way, I've noticed that you might be beavette? Is that correct? I noticed a Hello Kitty avatar under beavette on NIN.com, and also saw it under allegro, and I'm sure I've remembered a beavette.

As for threads that got me in trouble, I remember making one on abortion. The Insane Clown Posse thread back then also got me into some hot water. And looking back... some of my random questions were just horrible for some people, and I could see more and more as to why I should have never asked them to start with. (Which is part of why I'm still working on what not to say, especially on a forum.)

Cat Mom
01-19-2014, 10:17 PM
Kris, yes that was my handle back then.

I think I remember that abortion thread.

I hated those fucking shit lists.

Ryan
01-19-2014, 10:28 PM
It's much nicer here now, I must agree.

botley
01-20-2014, 06:51 PM
Today, I got together with one of my best friends from University, and we had a superb hangover-busting carb-loaded lunch at Mother's Dumplings (AN ABSOLUTE MUST if you're ever in Toronto and like down-home Chinese cooking), then hot beverages at Cafť Pamenar. We talked about her AMAZING journey over the past month: she walked across Spain on the Way of St. James (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Way_of_St._James), took part in a shamanic Ayahuasca ritual, and fell deeply in love with someone from another continent. It was a pretty great afternoon. I love her a lot, and it's mind-blowing to think of not only all the cool stuff she's done, but how supportive and psyched we've been for each other through all kinds of highs and lows.


This is the two of us in 2007. Aside from those glasses, which I was wearing again today, we don't really look like this any more. Nestea Cool is still a fuckin' gross soft drink, though.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v449/botley/notcool_zps7d4ea479.jpg

miss k bee
01-25-2014, 12:31 PM
By chance saw a girl who used to be my best friend at school working in a supermarket this week. We stopped being friends 20 years ago at college and she looks exactly the same which was a bit freaky. She served me and neither of us said anything, was soo awkward!!

Have a friend that has become a born again Christian, trying to tell myself I am not bothered by it but I am.

Halo Infinity
05-28-2014, 11:18 PM
I didn't know where else to put this and it really seemed to belong here. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'll miss when making friends through hanging out and getting to know somebody was as easy as getting a phone number and making a call to invite them over my house on any random weekend or vacation. (And you'd also think that would be easier with Facebook.) I still wasn't the most social child growing up, but that's how I hung out back in elementary school through high school. Heck, if I even had a great rapport with tons of things in common with somebody, I think I'd still be even up for sleepovers, but at least at 2 days tops. I noticed that even 3 days got to be a bit too much for me even when I a kid.

As an adult, it seems like I have to either wait for an actual occasion, or go to a social setting outside the house. I just didn't realize how hanging out indoors without any occasion isn't really a thing for adults, even though I've seen many acquaintances and friends stop that when they were even as young as 16-22. It wouldn't even have to be all day either. I wouldn't mind just hanging out for a few hours to chat, play video games, watch DVDs, surf the Internet together, and then head out to eat at a fast food restaurant or such before parting ways. To me, that seems to be the ideal way to spend random weekends and vacations socially, as I've always preferred smaller groups, or just one-on-one interaction in my home and the local areas surrounding it.

Then again, part of that hanging out meant to also have the time to talk about life, but I could see why even that would be a hard opportunity to find since it's always best with a close friend willing to discuss some things in depth, that also likes most if not all of the same exact stuff you do with the same level of interest as you do, or even more.

I'd often assume that the best way to be a close friend while getting to know them in depth would be to bond as if you're siblings or cousins, but there also seems to be no time and/or interest for that as adults. (And I don't mean every weekend or vacation. Just planned ones that are feasible.) Of course, there are exceptions, and that serious relationships, marriages, and families inevitably put an end to that really quick, but I had this explained to me, and it really does seem to be true. I've known about this before, but it also took me a long time to accept.

Pardon me, I'm just venting something that's perplexed me for quite a while that had something to do with the topic of friends and friendship and the changes of socialization with age. I guess it's better late than never to learn such a thing.

Ah, I suppose I just haven't outgrown hanging out that way at all, and probably never will. If I had the chance, I'd definitely do it all over again.

hb13161705
08-17-2014, 05:39 AM
I was bullied all through school and had no more than two friends there until I was 16. It has permanently affected my self confidence and self esteem. As a result, I don't have a massive amount of friends, but the few I have are all good ones. I have a couple who are my besties, one's a NIN fan and we love talking about them and listening to their music and watching videos together. The other's a shy girl who wouldn't say boo to a mouse, but she's the best listener and there's nearly nothing I couldn't talk to her about.

However I'm afraid I am to her what a couple of my other friends are like to me. I have a couple of friends who are both smart and both love to talk, but I can't get a word in when I have a conversation with them. And these friends are nice, well meaning girls, but their monologues are so annoying. It's like what they have to say is so much more important than what I have to say that it makes me feel my life is inadequate.

That's pretty much all my significant friends. I spend nearly all of my free time with my husband and I don't even see three out of my four significant friends that often because they live in Sydney and I live in the next city 60 miles south of Sydney. At least the phone is a godsend.

piggy
08-17-2014, 06:59 AM
Decided to chime in on this one as I've been in somewhat of a renaissance with some of my old friends lately. So, like many of you, I'm an introvert. I don't make friends that easily and tend to stick with the ones I already have, if possible. I've likely lost a few over the years and I still have some that I hope I'll be with for the rest of my life. I have a best friend who has been in my life for 19 years and I think we love and understand each other in a way that no one else in our lives probably ever has. I have a couple of other people who have labeled me their best friend at some point, but this particular lady is the one, I think. We went through so many formative experiences together as teenagers and I actually think we were best friends from day one, we just didn't know it yet.

I also have some kind of strange friendship things. I have these two girls I was very close friends with in high school whom I haven't seen or heard from for at least a decade now. I have almost no idea what's going on with them now and no idea if I'll ever see them again. They were kind of what you call "frenemies" so it's not a big deal, but it's just weird to go from one extreme to the other later on in life. I also have this other close friend who I bonded with very strongly at age 17 and we lost touch around age 23 or so because she moved and started a family. She popped back up earlier this year and even though we hadn't really interacted for, again, about a decade, we picked it right back up without missing a beat. Like no time had passed at all. Amazing. And for that, I still love her like you wouldn't believe.

What I think is really odd these days is that when I think back to high school I was, almost inexplicably, rather well-liked despite the fact that I'm an introvert. When I was a child, I was severely introverted. I never socialized with my peers outside of school and I preferred my own nerdy little world. In junior high, I started to "come out of my shell" and in high school it was almost like I transformed into an extrovert for four years so I could function socially and not be completely ostracized. Now I'm like a regular garden variety introvert, not as hopeless as that kid but not as congenial as that teenager. Not sure why or how I had that going on in high school, but it was definitely a good thing. It's probably how I survived that setting.

aggroculture
02-13-2015, 12:29 AM
So my friend is picking a fight me (on FB - where else)
for...no reason

He's been ranting on FB about not having a bf for...years now
sometimes he's on the warpath
and fights with people

He sometimes goes on these long jags of posting non-stop about how gay guys in NYC are "AIDS fountains"

I innocently posted something in a thread of his about the Hobbit
then he tags me in a post calling Beyonce and Rihanna "sluts" (????)

I ask him to delete the post as I don't feel comfortable being tagged in it
He untags me, leaves the post, says sorry for making me uncomfortable but his life is so tough, he is so totally alone with no one who loves him etc
I express concern that he's putting a lot of negativity out into the world

the next day he posts a passive aggressive post about how his "married friends" are insensitive towards "the single people"

I write to him saying I didn't mean to be insensitive...that having a partner doesn't resolve all your problems etc
that he's my friend and I love him etc

Now I'm getting the silent treatment

Melancholygrl78
04-01-2015, 10:12 AM
I made friends that have lasted almost all of my life. I grew up with everyone I now consider family. I have an intimate circle of friends, Staci, Randy(my ex-husband), Kevin, Patrick, Richie, Lauren, Courtney, Joe, Dusty, Rachel, Adam, Jody, James and we are all still friends to this day no matter how far life has taken us all away from one another. We still have our childhood nicknames and we still reunite occasionally. Then I had an outer circle of quite a few that I will not list, anytime we had a bonfire party at the lake, they would all be there, back in the day. We are all facebook friends though. Now I have acquaintances and a few that I met more recently. I am finding couple of them are beginning to slowly sneak into my heart as time goes by. I am comfortable as a lone wolf, good at socializing when I want, and happy with a small and close intimate group of people. I am mostly reserved with a hand extending out from me and whether that hand is open to someone or not really relies on my intuition.

AvelineCyborg
04-01-2015, 05:12 PM
As for me I recently moved to St. Augustine, FL from Southern California. It has been a great opportunity to reinvent myself. However, starting completely over when it comes to friends has turned out to the greatest challenge. I can echo the sentiment that it gets tougher to make friends as you get older and that's the case for me at age 27. Lately, I can't help but feel a bit guilty for leaving the friends I had in CA behind because I realize that I took them for granted. However, feeling their absence in my everyday life though has made me more grateful for them and has motivated me to make the effort to maintain the friendships via more regular communication. Friendships in any case do take lots of effort and it can be a minefield figuring which people are worth it sometimes. It was for that reason that I wasn't investing in people and saw myself become quite the cynic while I was in CA. Thank goodness I've moved past much of that now but it took the pain of separation to do it sadly. I now really know who my friends are and the distance hasn't diminished a thing. I really have this attachment to many of them since I was working with them on a regular basis performing energy healing called pranic healing. Unfortunately it doesn't have as strong a presence here in Florida. I'm thinking that I just might have to move back in a couple years. Save up some money, get some experience in my field and at last get a place of my own away from my parents. I understand it's premature to be saying such things and that I could change my mind. It is interesting though before leaving for Florida I did get a distinct feeling that I would be coming back to CA and not just to visit. We'll see.

Dra508
04-02-2015, 04:38 PM
Sometimes being friends with women is so hard for me...... I've got this one long distance friend that I used to work with. I think she still considers me her underling and might never change that which is just not going to work for me. Anywho,
she send a message in fb to me and another woman we used to work with who lives near me saying that she was going to be in town next Tuesday, had a meeting with a customer in the afternoon, not heading out to her next stop until the following morning, wanting to know if we were both available for dinner that evening. I replied with "I'm around". She knows my situation - I'm here. She replies with "I'll let you know. As of now, I don't have any work committments." The other woman replies just as non-committal with "Yah, I think I'm open. excited to see you!"

Am I reading into this crap too much? Was I too non-committal just cause the other too to be the same? Why reach out with an invitation and then dial us back to 'I'll let you know, I might have something more important then you?'

Gah.

piggy
07-15-2018, 11:28 PM
Bringing back this dead thread with something awesome. I recently reconnected with one of my best friends from high school whom I had been out of touch with for 14 years. I was so happy and relieved to find that we still love each other and still get along like a house on fire. It made my fucking year and has added so much to my life already. She was always super special to me and I could not be happier to have our friendship back. I wanna, like, shout it from the rooftops. So it's never too late to reboot something, folks. If you feel someone is missing from your life, take a chance and reach out.

Space Suicide
07-15-2018, 11:32 PM
I don't have a lot of friends but I have friendly people and acquaintances in my life.

Though there is this one guy who has lived in 3 states since we've known each other and we talk daily and have ever since we met. I'm 28 in October. We met in 6th Grade way back in 2001. This year marks knowing him for 16 years, which is over half my life! Safe to say we're long time brothers and best friends to the end. Even him moving we have never broken contact. He lives by me again, roughly 7 minutes away. It's a pleasant feeling!

We butt heads and don't always see eye to eye on issues or women but I know he'll always be there. I wouldn't trade him or any friend with this sort of relationship to me for for the world or as many friends as I could count.

Boots
07-15-2018, 11:57 PM
I moved to a different city recently. The only person I hang out with on a social level is my coworker. It's hard to make friends as an adult when you're not in college anymore. I haven't even attempted dating anyone here. I find the people in this city so mean and unfriendly in general. No one talks to anyone unless they know them from somewhere. It's the total opposite of the much more friendly city I used to live in. And that's why I spend so much time on Facebook.

theruiner
07-16-2018, 12:00 AM
Bringing back this dead thread with something awesome. I recently reconnected with one of my best friends from high school whom I had been out of touch with for 14 years. I was so happy and relieved to find that we still love each other and still get along like a house on fire. It made my fucking year and has added so much to my life already. She was always super special to me and I could not be happier to have our friendship back. I wanna, like, shout it from the rooftops. So it's never too late to reboot something, folks. If you feel someone is missing from your life, take a chance and reach out.

Not the same length of time by any means but my best friend and I didn't talk for two years and it was awful and extremely painful. One of the happiest nights of my life was the night she reached out to me on FB and we rekindled our friendship. That was over two years ago now and we're still best friends and still just as close as we ever were. 18 years and counting (we don't even subtract those two years out). She lives in another state and I miss the everloving crap out of her.

Also, I'm super happy for you! It's a really amazing feeling, isn't it?

Halo Infinity
09-15-2018, 08:17 PM
I think all of my real life friends have simply moved on at this point as of now. If it's not about college/jobs/careers, it's also about marriages and children. They have also literally moved on as far as relocating as well. At this rate, I wouldn't be surprised if some of them moved to different countries, but some of them have already moved to different states, if not different cities and towns. And even if they didn't move to another location, some of them moved on because we simply didn't really have the same interests anymore. My mistake was thinking they would have a sit down and chat with me about it and tell my why, but now I finally see why it sometimes naturally dissipates on its own, even among friends that were as close as if they were biological brothers and sisters. Had I known, I wouldn't have always tried to always track down close friends that always told me they had to go whenever I made any attempt to contact them/just keep in touch, or always told me that they were busy. (I mean, I know people get busy, but I learned that it's sometimes a polite code for declining invitations, right up there with saying they're not sure, or that they'll think about it, or that they don't even know if they'd have the time for me.)

It's certainly getting much harder to not only find new friends, but keep them as well. I now look at it all a lot differently than I used to now that I know better, and I guess it's just from being in my 30s and just having a better understanding on what makes people drift apart, even amicably.

As of right now, I think I mostly just have acquaintances. I haven't had any close friends for quite some time. Which I don't always mind, and even better if I get along with them and have some common ground. I still miss hanging out though, but take what I can get. I also still find it more convenient and meaningful to also spend time with one person or a few people instead of a gigantic crowd most of the time.

Aside from that, I always like to witness people enjoying their friends' company, as I always liked the joy, reassurance, security, sanctuary/refuge and fulfillment/purpose that it produces, so if it's anything that I took from this, like with anything in life, it's to never ever take any good/great friends for granted as you never know when you'll part ways, nor is it ever even guaranteed to last forever or even at all.

somewhat_
09-16-2018, 06:44 AM
Iím 38 years old, married with three kids. I havenít had a real close friend, besides my wife, in many years. I have a few people at work I would consider friends and one that I spend time with outside of work fairly infrequently.

I almost feel that Iím so busy with my family and work that I donít have time for friends, but I donít know if thatís true. Iíve been losing friends slowly but surely as Iíve been getting older and mosts were gone even before I had kids.

Even my wife gives me shit for not getting out every once in a while and making new friends and finding new interests, but Iím no social butterfly.

Life just seems to revolve around my kids right now and I donít really make time for myself. I wouldnít even know how to go about making friends at this point in my life and Iím not sure I even want to.

elevenism
09-16-2018, 08:23 AM
i had a super tight knit crew in Dallas: people who were like my brothers and sisters, some of whom I started kicking it with in elementary school.
But when i moved up here to this town of 2000 people, well, i wasn't able to hang out with my friends anymore, obviously.
Also, several of those people have died since i've been here.

I keep in touch with my old friends through facebook, but strangely, i talk a LOT more with people i've met here.
My best friends are @thelastdisciple (https://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=199) , @RocketScience (https://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=486) and @allegro (https://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=76) , yet we've never hung out in real life.
But these past few years, I've done more messaging and emailing with those three than I've done with everyone else I know put together

IRL, i guess my only friend is the preacher at the church where i play guitar. i mean that's the only person i've actually chilled with in this town.
Aside from that i've got my wife and my mother.
IDK what i'd do without the above mentioned internet friends.

The future is fucking strange.

Yeah I had ONE really good lifelong friend who was living in this town but he bounced pretty quick after I moved here to take advantage of the benefits he can receive living on tribal land in OK.
I also had a dear friend from Dallas who had moved to Amarillo (eighty miles from here but better than nothing) and it was badass when we got together, but he fell in love and headed back to D Town.

but, yeah, I don't like interacting TOO much with people here: everyone knows everyone else's business and likes to.gossip and I want no part of that shit.

And so there it is: that's why my post count is so absurd and I've such a penchant for pms here. I left my people in Dallas and I just get so fucking LONELY and BORED here.

Annnnnnnnnd, THIS post is an essay. Oops.

Edit: I'm 38 too somewhat_ and it's kind of hard making new friends at this age.
Also, people here are so ultra conservative. And I'm literally the ONLY dude with long hair and big plugs in the lobes and such.

Disturbingly, my family has been here since right after the civil war, so EVERYONE knows who I AM, but I don't know them. :/
Everyone says "how's your mom!?" and " i sure wish you'd known your grandpa; he was such a special person" and it's fucking unsettling because I don't know who these people are!

Nellyrific
09-16-2018, 01:19 PM
I am 35 years old and have found that my plethora of friends have dwindled down to about 5 people that I can actually tolerate being around. Iíve cut out people from my life and it feels absolutely amazing.

I had a friend that i hadnít spoken to in years. Sheís been through some shit financially and is constantly having her cell service shut off and itís not easy to track her down (no social media presence either). I just knew I needed to find her. After some detective work I was able to, and itís been great to have her back in my life. Even took her to night 1 in Phoenix.

Itís hard to find good friends. Keep em close.

somewhat_
09-16-2018, 01:35 PM
I am 35 years old and have found that my plethora of friends have dwindled down to about 5 people that I can actually tolerate being around. Iíve cut out people from my life and it feels absolutely amazing.

.

Some of mine were lost, as well, because I couldnít tolerate all the bullshit in the relationship anymore. Sometimes you just have to move on. Others were lost because I had to purge them out of my life for me to be able to fix myself. If you want to recover as a drug addict itís not a good idea to spend time with other drug addicts. I would say the majority of the ones losts, though, were just us slowly drifting apart.

kel
09-16-2018, 04:05 PM
my best friend and i met in 1987. heís more family to me than most of my real family. i honestly donít think i would have survived high school without him. we were like romy and michelle, and i wouldnít trade it for anything. we came out to each other at the same time, but it never felt necessary. i feel so fortunate to say iíve had this three-decade connection. he lives in seattle now, but we still text each other daily.

elevenism
09-16-2018, 04:09 PM
Some of mine were lost, as well, because I couldn’t tolerate all the bullshit in the relationship anymore. Sometimes you just have to move on. Others were lost because I had to purge them out of my life for me to be able to fix myself. If you want to recover as a drug addict it’s not a good idea to spend time with other drug addicts. I would say the majority of the ones losts, though, were just us slowly drifting apart.
I've had so many fucking friends DIE since I left dallas, it's unreal. I've lost one insanely close friend per year on average due to drugs or suicide (and the two suicides involved being strung out on drugs.)

I guess some of us make it and some of us don't. :(

halo eighteen
09-16-2018, 05:33 PM
Definitely no social butterfly here; 20 year high school reunion coming up, but I literally don't talk to anyone from high school anymore and there's only exactly one person from college that I still do. Coincidentally, she's the first person I came out to and we'd probably be more of a presence in each other's lives but she's moved out to California and has 4-year old twins now. Life has kind of taken us in substantially different directions, but we catch up for birthdays and meet up whenever she makes it back home to Michigan.

Virtually all of my friends are really courtesy of the internet; even my partner came to be thanks to AOL back in 2002 lol. But there are a few co-workers that I definitely consider friends. One of them has become a real concert buddy - this year alone we've seen all of Radiohead, Primus and Nothing together. Basically stuff the hubby doesn't really care to see heh. There's also a girl from work that I've gotten hooked on Drag Race and Pokťmon Go haha. She and I have also been doing the monthly wine dinners at Carrabba's with a few other people and that's been real great at getting me out of my shell. In all honesty though, I'm kind of a loner and that likely stems from my being an only child. I need quite a bit of me time to function normally, and I don't think that's out of selfishness so much as it is just what I was used to growing up.

Steven
09-16-2018, 06:06 PM
I think it's really hard for me to go from being someone's acquaintance/school friend to being close friends. Like they know me as a goofball for as this time then if I start talking about suicide it would be really uncomfortable for them. Not that dark/depressing topics are all I talk about with close friends but it's...personal and reserved only for them.

thenorthwood
09-16-2018, 10:00 PM
Today I had lunch with a friend I hadn’t seen in 15 years. It had been that long since we lived in driving distance to each other (until now) but we wrote letters to each other once or twice a year. An antiquated means of communication, but effective enough to keep us connected. Conversation was easy and fluid and after three hours we finally paid the bill. Lovely to see her, and it also took me back to a time in my life that was more carefree.

My best friend has been in my life since 1989. We know each other so well that our time together is effortless and natural. We haven’t lived close to each other in 15 years as well, and communicate mainly via text and meeting in person a few times a year. I miss phone calls. We used to talk on the phone all the time but with the advent of social media and texting she doesn’t like to talk on the phone anymore. I have never been on social media because to me it’s a surface connection and I want my connections to be deeper. We have somewhat come to accept both people have different viewpoints on what fulfills their needs for a connection.

One of the most difficult things to accept is some friends are meant for certain periods of your life and then it’s best to let them go. I’ve been in situations where the other person did not reciprocate or initiate any type of connection and I tried for too long to maintain the friendship. It just made me feel worse.

It is difficult to made friends as an adult, especially being an introvert. I’ve found the best way for me is to get involved in a group with a common purpose, like a book group or volunteer group and get to know the people in that group.

somewhat_
09-18-2018, 06:10 AM
Virtually all of my friends are really courtesy of the internet; even my partner came to be thanks to AOL back in 2002 lol. But there are a few co-workers that I definitely consider friends. One of them has become a real concert buddy - this year alone we've seen all of Radiohead, Primus and Nothing together. Basically stuff the hubby doesn't really care to see heh.

Let me know if you need another concert buddy ;)


I've had so many fucking friends DIE since I left dallas, it's unreal. I've lost one insanely close friend per year on average due to drugs or suicide (and the two suicides involved being strung out on drugs.)

I guess some of us make it and some of us don't. :(

Sorry to hear that. Itís definitely a struggle and I feel very lucky in a lot of ways.

halo eighteen
09-18-2018, 06:55 AM
Let me know if you need another concert buddy ;)

For sure, dude - I'm insanely geeked for the shows next month! :D

ManBurning
09-23-2018, 03:46 AM
Damn, I wish I knew about this thread sooner. This is totally a "hot topic" in my household right now.
I browsed the first few posts to see where the topic of discussion was going here, and I will go back and sift through the whole thread later, but I just wanted to add my say here first.

So the reason why I say it's a "hot topic" in my house right now, my girlfriend and I are kind of going through this realization that we really don't have ANY friends at all anymore and just how hard it is to make friends as an adult. I'd say it started about a year ago, we had a good mutual friend couple of ours surprise announce on us basically over night they were having a kid moving away. It was all so sudden. We were hosting a Canada Day party at our place and invited them and they dropped the news there and then basically left the week after. This got us thinking, we should try and make new friends... we posted a few ads online looking for friends, got a couples responses, but nothing really concrete came out of it. More like "hey, how's life" text/internet friends came out of it. It's so hard to meet other couples and go out for dinners/drinks/concerts/events/movies or just have people over to play some board games.

Just last month, another friend couple of ours announced they are moving away this month as well. This basically leaves us with 1 couple left that we regularly see. That's it... nobody else. We went from having at least 6-8 different friends to hang out with to like 2-3 over the last year to year and a half.

We're not sure how to make new friends. Getting older sucks. Not sure why it is, but people just seem to drift apart. I used to look at my Grandmother and wonder why she had no friends, or really anyone outside of her immediate family she talked to. I always wondered at what point do you just "no longer have friends". The concept seemed foreign to me. I couldn't grasp just not having friends one day. Everyone seemed so tightly knit together when we were growing up and now none of us barely talk to one another. Some guys have completely disappeared off the face of the planet, nobody knows how to get a hold of them.

Sometimes I think it's just where we live. I get the vibe that people here are flaky. You ask them to do stuff and they say yes, but as it gets closer to hang-out time, they will bail on you. I even work with 1 guy who i've worked with for about 10 years now, great guy, and we've hung out on numerous occasions outside of work, but the last 5 years or so, he's developed this "flaky" attitude where he makes the same excuse over and over (It's his cousin's birthday). The thing with this guy is, you will give him like 3 weeks notice (or more) to save a date and he will be like "Yeah man It's been a while. I wouldn't miss it for the world. It's going to be great" and then as the clock ticks closer to the event day, his chance of showing up keeps dipping lower and lower. 2 weeks til the day = "Yeah, it's looking like a 75% I'll me able to make it" 1 week before the day = "Yeah, It's about a 50/50 chance I'll be able to make it at this point" A couple days before - "yeah, not so sure if I can make it or not. But i'll let yo know" and then the day of you are texting him wondering where the hell he is and there is no response for hours and then he will shoot a text back hours later "Sorry man, something came up" like.... just tell me you don't want to hang out. It's fine. The kicker is, I stopped inviting this guy out for like a year, and he messaged me and was like "Hey man, why don't we ever hang out anymore?" and It was such a face palm moment. Because every time I invite you out, you bail... Thought he was a changed man when he came asking me to hang out (This was a year ago) so I started inviting him out again.... Since last year, he may have come out once... if that... I never learn my lesson.

Is this just how people are these days?? We have a friend couple that does something very similar to this. We will tell them to save the date and then 2 days before, I will send a reminder text and then they made other plans instead, saying they forgot.... I just never remember it being this flaky in the late 90s and early 00s before the invention of facebook/social media. I feel like Social Media is to blame on everyone's flakiness. It seems like people have extreme FOMO and are afraid to commit to something in fear something better will come along and they will miss out and have to cancel on the already obligated plans.

I'd like to know if other people experience the same level of flakiness among their circle of friends. My girlfriend has tried to make friends with many people at her job, and they always brush her off when it comes to "asking to hang out outside of work". One of her co-workers' birthday's was coming up and her boyfriend was going to be out of town so my girlfriend offered to take her out to dinner, her treat, and the co-worker totally brushed her off and was like "Nah. that's fine." or some crap. Another one, this coworker asked her if we were attending this upcoming convention, and she was like "no... but I'm interested in it. We weren't planning on going" and they were like, oh I am though. Maybe we can all go together if you want, and she said she would ask me... and I was like "Sure, something to do. Let's go" and we ended up going and he wouldn't text her back. We went with full assumptions that maybe we could make a new friend with this co-worker of hers, and he never texted her back and he was the one that planted the seed in our mind to go to this bloody convention too!!

People don't care about anyone but themselves these days it seems. I'd sure like to know how people are supposed to make friends in 2018.

Eh, that's the end of my rant for tonight. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

playwithfire
09-23-2018, 10:54 AM
- I'm getting the impression from reading this that y'all understand the value of individual friends and not just making friends as a couple, so that's awesome!

- activity groups/meetups work well it seems like? Maybe check meetup.com to find stuff in your area?

piggy
09-23-2018, 10:56 PM
Yes, I believe social media has done as much to decay relationships as it has to bring people together. It's weird. It truly has the potential to change people psychologically. I've seen it mess up people's romantic relationships, friendships, familial relationships, even jobs. I've also seen studies that show that people can actually become lonelier now with the advent of social media, and that it can have an adverse effect one's self-esteem or how they view their own lives. I refer to Facebook as "Farcebook" and my bestie calls it "Fakebook" because of how much we see the "best of" people's lives instead of their reality. What's also sad and ironic is that sometimes people spend more time in their "virtual" social life (scrolling through their Facebook feed) than they do face to face with people IRL.

Sorry, that was quite a tangent. I just personally dislike social media, and I think that discussing the odd ripples and repercussions thereof is relevant/interesting in the context of friendship.

ManBurning
09-24-2018, 02:31 AM
Yes, I believe social media has done as much to decay relationships as it has to bring people together. It's weird. It truly has the potential to change people psychologically. I've seen it mess up people's romantic relationships, friendships, familial relationships, even jobs. I've also seen studies that show that people can actually become lonelier now with the advent of social media, and that it can have an adverse effect one's self-esteem or how they view their own lives. I refer to Facebook as "Farcebook" and my bestie calls it "Fakebook" because of how much we see the "best of" people's lives instead of their reality. What's also sad and ironic is that sometimes people spend more time in their "virtual" social life (scrolling through their Facebook feed) than they do face to face with people IRL.

Sorry, that was quite a tangent. I just personally dislike social media, and I think that discussing the odd ripples and repercussions thereof is relevant/interesting in the context of friendship.

Oh, I totally agree. Facebook is like the plague. Should be called PlagueBook as far as I am concerned. I got rid of my personal FB going on 3 years this January and it's been the best decision of my life. But on the other hand, it has also made working at friendships harder, so it's kind of a catch 22. I feel like it's worth it though, because I spend more time TRYING to put the effort into my friendships now through other means of trying to communicate with them. I will admit, I have lost connections due to cutting it out as well, so it's not as easy of a solution as it sounds. There are people that still prefer to "have all their eggs in 1 basket" so to speak. They like a 1-shot shop where they can keep in touch with as many people as they want with as little effort possible. I just keep like it brings people further way. It's hard to explain. For a site that is built on forming relationships and making friends, it seems to have the opposite effect.

I have been at social gatherings where people are too bust scrolling on facebook to be bothered to live in the real world with the people around them. I wonder if the problem so much lies within social media itself or maybe the fact that it has been made so easily accessible (maybe the real issue lies in smart phone addiction).

Halo Infinity
10-13-2018, 10:50 AM
I actually still appreciate social media for what it is. Facebook, Instagram and Twitter are as of now still my top 3 favorite main sites as far as social media goes. However, I've become much more of a lurker these days, so I haven't been really using them for actual socializing at all, even when I was actually logged into them. I suppose you can say I've also been into social media more for the entertainment side of things. (Which is also why I pretty much live on YouTube.) I've also noticed that my biggest mistake was to use the Internet as an overall crutch and shortcut in getting to know people. I was always comfortable in conversing via social media/forums or E-mail/instant messaging. And looking back at it now, it makes absolute sense to me, since it's so much easier to flake out on the Internet, as opposed to real life, just like anything else that's far more convenient to do online. Most people I've met and known would rather not converse in written form either. I wish I knew that a whole lot sooner.

Another thing I also noticed more and more is that most people seem to actually prefer to socialize in large groups, as well as constantly jumping from one set of friends to another. It just took me a while to realize that, because it's not like you're alone when you're talking to one person or a few people either. Although, I will admit that it's can also be tough enough or even flat-out horrible as it is if you're unfortunately mixed with the wrong people, even if it's a small group or a one-on-one meeting/discussion. And then it's also challenging when you also feel like you most likely don't have anything worthwhile, in terms of being fun and interesting to contribute to the conversations at hand either, which leaves me saying nothing and more often than not waiting for people to approach me instead. (Which also seems to leave you alone, since if you have nothing to say, or even becoming boring to everybody, it's like you might as well not even be there at all.)

I also noticed that I prefer to plan most things, which can be obviously, and easily done solo. I didn't realize that sometimes spontaneity/surprises (Aside from humor.) is also a tremendous factor in making and keeping friends, and I was never really good with dealing with spontaneity/surprises most of the time. Humor also isn't my strong suit either, as I often enjoyed humor in terms of being a spectator via TV and Internet all alone. It was also bad enough that I grew up with filter problems, while hardly applying the brakes in life back then, which is why I actually don't try to be funny most of the time. And there's also the possibility of not only being unfunny if not necessarily offensive, but there's also the awkwardness of running jokes through the ground, which is sometimes the epitome of lame and annoying. (And looking back yet again, this is absolutely not to say that all surprises are bad, but in my experience most good or even great surprises have been far and few in between to me, which is why I often prefer to keep things chill with peace and quiet most, if not all of the time, which is still sometimes an indirect factor of ending up alone. I really am just looking for a stable, quiet and peaceful life though, but some good company every now and then wouldn't hurt either.)

playwithfire
10-14-2018, 02:46 PM
I have realized I really really struggle to maintain friendships with friends who do not have social media. I think part of what bothers me about that is that it forces interactions to be 1:1 and direct every time (texting them, hanging out IRL) when that person may not be a close friend to me. It like... makes the friendship more serious just by nature of not being able to have those ambient interactions, and those ambient interactions are important for me when it comes to maintaining contact with people.

piggy
10-14-2018, 10:54 PM
That's an interesting perspective, and as a person who is not on social media, I appreciate seeing it from the other point of view. That helps me to perhaps understand why I failed with some previous attempts to reach out to people from my past that I wanted to get to know better. They probably felt pressured.

On the other hand... If social media didn't exist, would those ambient interactions exist? Would they be happening at work, or at the gym, or at a club or whatever? Is there an analog for that in the pre-social media world? Would we be able to have those friendships that are suspended in a gray area, or is that strictly a modern construct?

playwithfire
10-17-2018, 12:30 PM
Yeah, like, I don't think all "friends" I have need to be people I hang 1:1 with. I like having that social point that is somewhere between acquaintance and friend with some people, it's a good level of friendship just like a closer friendship can be.

Re: your question, I think greater emphasis on social events and people having a smaller social circle (like, I have 280something friends on Facebook and that's a like... list I am pretty conscious of keeping trimmed down, I've deleted a shitload of folks over the years) were both things back in the day

aggroculture
10-17-2018, 12:46 PM
I miss my friends, I miss having friends: I am very isolated here in Montreal. I spent 4 years growing a network of friends in Indiana and now I am starting from scratch, it's also harder in the big city: in a small college town it was easier to make friends, you'd see people around all the time, and I really could do with some friends I see face to face.

Andallthatcouldhavebeen
11-07-2018, 07:44 PM
I am have a really hard time making "mom" friends. I want to be friends with other mothers of small children, but most of them I meet just want to have play dates and then sit around and talk about their kids or stay at home mom life. I like to think that even after having kids, it's important to still have your own identity and things you want to do. I'll want to talk about other things, like personal interests and backgrounds but they usually get uncomfortable and just revert back to only speaking about the kids. I guess really, what I want is more friends with kids, where we let our kids play and do their own thing and we sit we watching them, discussing anything that isn't changing diapers or naptime. I have one best friend who doesn't have children but is my rock. She loves my kids, and I will be very excited if she ever decides to have any of her own.
There's one other friend I have with 4 kids, and I love seeing her, well all sit and play Mario party or well sit and chat about life while the kids play. Other than that, everyone is acquaintances or people I see every so often because our kids like each other and play well together.

ManBurning
02-04-2019, 03:41 AM
Fair warning, I want to share my experience with some "friends" I had this weekend. I need to vent about this somewhere and this is a pretty long post.

I am really sick of flaky people.

So, we had been planning a birthday party for my friend's wife's birthday this weekend for a few weeks now. We have a whatsapp group with a regular group of mutual friends that we just message to plan things (when I say "we" it's mainly just be doing the planning, if I stopped planning events, I would never hear from these people ever again) either way...

So, a few weeks ago I message the group chat and tell everyone to keep Feb 2nd free because we are going to be celebrating our friend's birthday. Everyone in the chat knows this person. So I tell everyone to hold the date weeks in advance. That shouldn't be too hard right? Write it on a calendar, there ya go. Done.
Anyway, everyone agreed to come at first. Well, we twisted this one guy's arm to come, he has bailed 4 times in a row, and the girl who's birthday it was going to be directly called him out that he better not miss her birthday. He said he would come for sure, he didn't want to disappoint her, so he will be there. Long story short, it is 1 day before the party and he messages the group "Sorry gang, can't make it. Have fun" no excuse at all. Just can't make it. Now, this guy has a crazy track record of this. He only shows up 1/10 times (The odds might be even closer to 1 in 20). He is what is known as the epitome of flakiness... so when he did that, I just removed him from the chat. He's done. I've given him enough chances. He's been doing this to me for 10 years. I guess in the end, I am the sucker for giving him so many chances.

Anyway, that's not even the best part. I had a hunch this guy wasn't going to show up. That's not the upsetting part. This girl starts making fun of him in the chat. Calling him out for his behavior, you know, good riddance, we'll have fun without him, we don't need him, he's a downer anyway etc etc. Even private messages me on how not to be upset, we don't need him, he's not a good friend etc. How excited she is to come etc.

So fast forward to the day of the party. So far, everyone except "Mr Flake" is attending. The party was supposed to start at 7pm. The girl who was previously mentioned above and her partner message at 7pm saying "sorry, we will be late we won't be there til 9 or 9:30pm because XX needs to skype his mom, please don't wait up for us" ok... Seems like a strange excuse, can't he skype his mom here in the hallway or somewhere else in the place?? I'm not going to judge. As long as they are still coming it's all good. At 8:50pm we get another message: "I ate a bagel this morning and I am violently puking and going to the hospital now, sorry can't make it"

Uhm.... OK... so they went from coming 100% to being late to violently puking and not coming at all in the span of like 8 hours or less. Here's the kicker... earlier that day she shared an instagram story about them being out super late drinking and partying the night before. So..... is there more to this story or what? It's safe to assume she was too hungover from the night before and was just waiting to see if she would feel better to attend, right?

I just find this kind of behavior very unacceptable. The "Flaky guy" mentioned above did the same shit to me once. Went out the night before he was supposed to come over to my place and drank his face off and got a crazy hangover and then he called and cancelled and told he was too hung over to come. Who does that?

I guess in the end, I am the sucker here for keeping these people around. But these are my only friends. I have like a group of maybe 4 or 5 people to pick from and all but 2 of them act like this. When someone tells me to keep a date, I keep it. It's like going to work... You show up for work. Actually... I bet you any money these people that bail on seeing their friends are the same kinds of people that call in sick once or twice a week and get fired for not coming to work.

The sad thing about all of this is, if I stop messaging these people, I would never see or hear from them again. How do you deal with these people?
My new years resolution of 2018 was to "cut out flaky people from my life" and I wasn't able to successfully do it. I kept telling my girlfriend I was never hosting another one of these get-togethers ever again, and a couple months would go by and then I would start to miss them, and I would break my word. I still to this date, 1 year later have not successfully been able to cut my ties with these people.

Last night, I announced to everyone this was the last party we were ever throwing here, ever. I just can't deal with the stress of it anymore. I suffer from deep anxiety and depression, and these so called "friends" do not add to it. I need to learn to be happy with myself. I need to learn that from now on, it's just going to be me and my girlfriend. In the end, nobody else cares. I need to really stick to my guns and put my foot down and drop these flaky people like a hot potato.

Oh...wait... the best part... After everyone left, at 3:30am, I messaged that girl that "went to the hospital puking" about how it was the last get together etc. and what do you know, she was magically all better and talking to me via text message until 4am as though nothing was wrong. Hmmm... If I was sick, I would have went to bed early to rest... I wouldn't still be up at 3:30am. Something to think about.

The thing that frustrates me the most is that these events are generally not easy to plan. They take a lot of planning, we try and accommodate everyone. Me and my girlfriend have a weird schedule, we work every weekend. Our days off are in the middle of the week, but nobody is around to hang out, so I will give away shifts or book the weekend off or waste vacation days on my weekend shifts so I can plan these events at our place. We need to clean the place, get food and snacks for everyone etc. Lots of planning goes into these events. It's not some spur of the moment thing we put together the day before. We tell people weeks in advance, I book the weekend off and then we work around it only to have people slowly bail 1 at a time the second it gets closer to the event. I guess people just don't respect our time or our feelings or our friendship. The FUNNIEST thing about all of this.... oh boy oh boy.... this is the punchline of the story here.

So the girl that bailed because she ate a bagel? When he kicked out that flaky guy from the chat, you know what she said???
"You guys put a lot of time and effort into these nights, if someone is going to waste your time and shit all over it like that they can go elsewhere"

Hahahahahahahaha! Oh, that's ironic. That's ironic as shit. (PS: This couple have a track record of flaking and being late 50% of the time as well. So, the irony in that was quite hilarious)

Halo Infinity
02-15-2019, 11:05 PM
I just wanted to ask these questions before I forget to do so.

Do flakes ever actually tell you to at least try to be flexible? Do they find the idea of being punctual far too rigid and stress-inducing to the point that they'd rather have you wait and search for them all the time, as well as to just accept their erratic timing and overall lateness or even absence out of their definition of flexibility?

Do flakes also seem to complain and get irritable and aggravated when they don't always get to have you wait and search for them even if you haven't necessarily gotten into their faces about being late and/or absent?

Do flakes also try to act and even claim that there's always an emergency when there clearly aren't any, sometimes even going to the extent of asking what if there was one?

@ManBurning (https://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=33) - I also had my share of flakes as well. Mostly from my teen years to my mid 20s. I also wondered if you also heard them have these reactions and excuses. I feel like I've heard it all as well, and I certainly feel your pain.

On the other hand, I could understand people being put into an awkward position when they're invited to something they're not interested in, but one can only say, "I don't know.", "Maybe." and "I'm not sure." so many times, even if it's more diplomatic and polite/tactful than a blatant no/rejection to said invitations. At this point, I'd rather take "Something came up..." above all of them, which is to me, even better than saying "I'll pass.", even though I have appreciated that type of honest response as well.

This has at the very least taught me that it should be something they're absolutely interested in and would love to do with others, but it's not always easy or even impossible to know sometimes.

And yes, shit happens, but not every single day. If anything, it also taught me that even if I was cool with somebody or a group of people that like or even love me, their cancellations or lack of effort can also be proof that they just moved on the other things, places and people.

And it's yet another reason for one to end up alone even when they actually aren't isolating themselves or pushing others away intentionally. As if there also weren't already more than enough reasons and causes to end up alone without even trying.

As I've said several times, I still sometimes miss how easy it was to hang out with friends as a child and a teenager, when all I needed to do was just find the the right weekends and vacations to play Nintendo. I wouldn't do it anywhere near as much as if I had the chance, but I'd be lying if I claimed that I don't miss those things at all.

I know there's always exceptions, but I think it really is true that like with other things, making and keeping friends certainly gets harder as you age, with a lot more variables than we can spot in face value. You just said it in the best way possible in my opinion, so I don't have that much more to add to that, but it certainly helped me understand why some older people end up alone, even if it's not their own doing.

With all that being said, I'd feel terrible flaking on a friend, especially a close friend.

But such is life at the same time, people change and grow apart. It's still inevitable.

Substance242
02-17-2019, 11:52 AM
Maybe this belongs here, nice new Kurzgesagt video.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3Xv_g3g-mA

elevenism
02-17-2019, 10:42 PM
Now that my preacher friend is gone, I'm back to having literally NO friends with whom I actually hang out, and, once again, I'm stunned by this whole e-friend phenomenon. RocketScience , for instance, has been there for me FAR more than any of my lifelong friends, since I got sick, as have some others from this board.
I am so fucking thankful for you folks.

RocketScience
02-18-2019, 07:09 PM
Now that my preacher friend is gone, I'm back to having literally NO friends with whom I actually hang out, and, once again, I'm stunned by this whole e-friend phenomenon. @RocketScience (https://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=486) , for instance, has been there for me FAR more than any of my lifelong friends, since I got sick, as have some others from this board.
I am so fucking thankful for you folks.

Du šr min všn, och vi lšr oss av varann.

Pillfred
02-19-2019, 08:03 PM
I just wanted to ask these questions before I forget to do so.

Do flakes ever actually tell you to at least try to be flexible? Do they find the idea of being punctual far too rigid and stress-inducing to the point that they'd rather have you wait and search for them all the time, as well as to just accept their erratic timing and overall lateness or even absence out of their definition of flexibility?

Do flakes also seem to complain and get irritable and aggravated when they don't always get to have you wait and search for them even if you haven't necessarily gotten into their faces about being late and/or absent?

Do flakes also try to act and even claim that there's always an emergency when there clearly aren't any, sometimes even going to the extent of asking what if there was one?

.....
With all that being said, I'd feel terrible flaking on a friend, especially a close friend.

But such is life at the same time, people change and grow apart. It's still inevitable.

I possibly qualify as that friend to greater degree than I would like to a fair share of people. It's even something I specifically went and talked with a counselor about a few years back. That said it's rarely something i do from with malicious intent. For me it's usually down to the day. If I'm out and about I'm more apt to be willing to do things. If I am home and have burrowed too far into my head then it's a different story. Having said that my long time friends are aware that I can be distant and avoidant at times and thankfully they generally are understanding. That said I don't make plans I have no intentions on following through with. Having said that I understand that some people are completely flakey and do my best to avoid such behaviors.

elevenism
02-20-2019, 10:45 PM
Du šr min všn, och vi lšr oss av varann.
Right, I am your friend, and, in this case, I suppose I'm learning Swedish from you. :p

RocketScience
02-21-2019, 07:10 AM
Right, I am your friend, and, in this case, I suppose I'm learning Swedish from you. :p

Vi ser ljuset vid tunnelns slut <3

https://youtu.be/LkZ28zBfSjE

ManBurning
02-23-2019, 01:29 PM
I just wanted to ask these questions before I forget to do so.

Do flakes ever actually tell you to at least try to be flexible? Do they find the idea of being punctual far too rigid and stress-inducing to the point that they'd rather have you wait and search for them all the time, as well as to just accept their erratic timing and overall lateness or even absence out of their definition of flexibility?

Do flakes also seem to complain and get irritable and aggravated when they don't always get to have you wait and search for them even if you haven't necessarily gotten into their faces about being late and/or absent?

Do flakes also try to act and even claim that there's always an emergency when there clearly aren't any, sometimes even going to the extent of asking what if there was one?

@ManBurning (https://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=33) - I also had my share of flakes as well. Mostly from my teen years to my mid 20s. I also wondered if you also heard them have these reactions and excuses. I feel like I've heard it all as well, and I certainly feel your pain.

On the other hand, I could understand people being put into an awkward position when they're invited to something they're not interested in, but one can only say, "I don't know.", "Maybe." and "I'm not sure." so many times, even if it's more diplomatic and polite/tactful than a blatant no/rejection to said invitations. At this point, I'd rather take "Something came up..." above all of them, which is to me, even better than saying "I'll pass.", even though I have appreciated that type of honest response as well.

This has at the very least taught me that it should be something they're absolutely interested in and would love to do with others, but it's not always easy or even impossible to know sometimes.

And yes, shit happens, but not every single day. If anything, it also taught me that even if I was cool with somebody or a group of people that like or even love me, their cancellations or lack of effort can also be proof that they just moved on the other things, places and people.

And it's yet another reason for one to end up alone even when they actually aren't isolating themselves or pushing others away intentionally. As if there also weren't already more than enough reasons and causes to end up alone without even trying.

As I've said several times, I still sometimes miss how easy it was to hang out with friends as a child and a teenager, when all I needed to do was just find the the right weekends and vacations to play Nintendo. I wouldn't do it anywhere near as much as if I had the chance, but I'd be lying if I claimed that I don't miss those things at all.

I know there's always exceptions, but I think it really is true that like with other things, making and keeping friends certainly gets harder as you age, with a lot more variables than we can spot in face value. You just said it in the best way possible in my opinion, so I don't have that much more to add to that, but it certainly helped me understand why some older people end up alone, even if it's not their own doing.

With all that being said, I'd feel terrible flaking on a friend, especially a close friend.

But such is life at the same time, people change and grow apart. It's still inevitable.

Flakes don't really tell me to be flexible. But they do like to say "We need to get together soon. It's been so long"
I don't know if that is them just being courteous and making the non-flaker think they are valued, or maybe they generally feel shitty about flaking and want to make it up?
I don't know. All I know is, it's almost impossible to even make concrete plans with these people.

"Do flakes also try to act and even claim that there's always an emergency when there clearly aren't any, sometimes even going to the extent of asking what if there was one?"

This one I think might have some truth to it. I have a friend who always claims she "went to the hospital" because that's how ill she was and couldn't make it out. Nobody actually believes she went to the hospital. But that does seem to be her go to excuse. She's used it on us a couple times. Kinda like the guy who says it's always his cousin's birthday, lol. It's like they have a few select go-to excuses they cycle through.

I don't think it's a case of them not liking the activity they are being invited to, at least not for my group of friends anyway. Can't vouch for everyone out there. But generally I know what/what not to invite certain people to. We have like a concert buddy, which doesn't like movies and on the other hand there is a couple we go to the movies with, who aren't so big on music. There is 1 guy who lives video games, so he gets invited to game night and so on. We tend to know what our friends interests are and will save the hassle of inviting them out to something they don't want to do, so I don't think it's a case of them not wanting to do it and just saying they want to. I don't think the intent is there.

I'm a very punctual and organized person. I am one of those people that plans events and writes them on the calendar months in advance, lol. I know not everyone is like that though, I am unique. But if someone invites me somewhere and it doesn't work, I tell them up front. That date/time doesn't work and I need more notice. It's generally people try and invite me day of/last minute and it's too short notice. I, unlike a flake - need plenty of notice. Week or two. So here I am on the opposite end of the spectrum.

I am just curious, how would a "flake" plan a vacation or a trip or something that takes a lot of planning and organizing months in advance? I'm in the process in planning a trip for my girlfriends 30th birthday as it is right now for May, and that has been in the works since November, lol. I've had the hotel booked for months, and the tickets to the music festival we are attending since November and now I am just looking into flights. I just wonder how would a flaky person be when it comes to something like that that requires major commitment.

I have a slight update to my rant story a few posts above where I went off on those friends that bailed on our other friends birthday a few weeks ago. The "flaky" friends have since got back to us, multiple times saying it's been so long and they really want to get together, we just can't seem to work out a good date at the moment, we tried for last Tuesday to go to a comedy show and they were all gung-ho but they didn't buy their tickets in advance and the show sold out. This goes back to the whole commitment thing again from above. Need to buy tickets to a show in advance or you risk not getting in. I knew better than to buy them tickets because I didn't want to be out money or stuck with tickets in the event they didn't come, ya know? It's a double edged knife.

Either way... The girl that bailed because she was "sick" and "at the hospital" basically admitted to us she stayed out too late drinking the night before and had a hangover all day and was trying to shake it. I already knew that was the case, she posted on instagram. But whatever, we moved on from that. Anyway, we had a whatsapp chat going with a group of 7 of us, and she tried making her own event for a weekend in March, nobody responded. My friend, who's wife's birthday it was texted me mentioning her "get together" and how they won't go because his wife (the birthday lady from before) was still mad at her for making excuses and skipping her birthday. Anyway, this whole thing unfolded between the 2 of them where they don't want to be friends with one another and they're in this stupid tiff about how they won't show up for each others events... oh... it's drama. It's like high school drama all over and these people are in their late 30s/early 40s lol.

Halo Infinity
03-01-2019, 10:17 PM
@ManBurning (https://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=33) - You got me at punctual and organized. Being on time and neat eliminates or at the very least reduces stress and anxiety in my personal experience. There is certainly an aura of suspense for anticipating something that'll probably never happen. For some exceptions though, there are sometimes instances where cancellations also relieved me too, but time and time again, whenever that was the case it was also from the flake's end, so go figure.

And well, I really don't have that much to add since your response was thoroughly satisfying, not to mention the fact that I can absolutely relate to it altogether. Oh right, and aside from that fact that not everybody is punctual and organized to the point of planning everything in advance, at the same time though you'd think they'd also be considerate to those that aren't like them. Granted, sure, not everything can always be planned in a timely matter, but it still doesn't change the fact that it's truly awful to be left hanging, always waiting and/or searching for others to the point of them just cancelling at the last minute for whatever reason.

Aside from that, marriage, children and career are often also the big top 3 reasons friendships drift apart if not necessarily end altogether. It's also interesting to point out, albeit common sense, that aside from being of similar interests, beliefs, values and lifestyles, even people of similar marital statuses and familial ties also often associate with each other.

For instance, I usually see single people with single friends, married people with married friends (Or couples with couples regardless of actual marriage.) and parents with parental friends. (And even more-so when they're actual close friends.) We even already see that with gender and ethnicity sometimes.

It's stuff like that, that's also often proven to me just how true/real to life the quote "Birds of a feather flock together." can actually turn out to be.

I know I can't always wait for people to come to me, and that I should sometimes go to them, but I still usually try not to hang out in large groups. (Which can sometimes unfortunately leave you ending up alone even if you aren't intentionally making any attempts to isolate yourself.) I'm still of the opinion that a good small group or one-on-one interaction/experience is good enough for me. But of course, like other things in life, it isn't always guaranteed, on the inevitable account that there sometimes be a bad small group or just that one wrong person that's better off not being met in the first place. Aside from that though, my stance on smaller groups and one-on-one socialization still remains.

ManBurning
03-02-2019, 02:20 PM
but I still usually try not to hang out in large groups. (Which can sometimes unfortunately leave you ending up alone even if you aren't intentionally making any attempts to isolate yourself.) I'm still of the opinion that a good small group or one-on-one interaction/experience is good enough for me. But of course, like other things in life, it isn't always guaranteed, on the inevitable account that there sometimes be a bad small group or just that one wrong person that's better off not being met in the first place. Aside from that though, my stance on smaller groups and one-on-one socialization still remains.

Interestingly enough, I used to be like this too. Up until maybe 5 or so years ago. And I am not the most extroverted person. In fact, I am anything but. I can be very shy, reserved and keep to myself unless I know my audience. In an office meeting, I am usually the one to sit quietly in the back and listen, very rarely piping up. But around a solid group of friends that I know, I am the life of the party. Can't shut up. It's complete opposite. That's not really where I am going with this, just wanted to get that out of the way because introverted people tend to not like large groups or gatherings. I used to be more into 1 on 1 or 2 on 2 gatherings. I really don't know how i started to be honest. I somehow got into this "more is better" mentality. So, maybe in the end... I kind of just tainted my own perception of what it means to have friends. Friends shouldn't just always be large 8-10 people gatherings, sometimes those one on one, or smaller more intimate gatherings are needed as well.

Like, back in 2009 I started "game night" with a buddy. I moved here in 2006 and had virtually no friends at all here. Took me a few years to finally make a friend, so we started a weekly video game night. Was just me and him. It was great. Then we moved in together eventually as roommates and a couple years later I found a girlfriend (now ex haha) and wanted to move out to live with her. He basically dropped me after that. It was strange. But either way, I met a new couple friends through work and we resurrected "gamed night" and it was the 4 of us. Me, my ex and 2 buddies from work. And we did this night like once a month for a couple years. Just the 4 of us. Then somehow we just slowly started inviting more and more people to game night to the point where it was less intimate, and more of a party. Just a socializing event. And from there on, that's when I saw what I was missing all those years I guess. So I kind of got "addicted" to the large groups, I guess you could say. Maybe it was a void being met deep down because I had never been a huge "group" person before, so I saw what I've been missing... I don't know. But from that point on, "game night" was always "invite as many goddamn people that will fit into our living room" haha... and I still look at it like that.

As I mentioned above, I am very organized. I am not the kind of person that can wait til the day of or the day before and message everyone and say "Having people over tomorrow. Come on down if you are free" nope. I am more like... "OK... it's March 2nd today, and I want to plan an event for Easter weekend... invites will go out next weekend for everyone to save the date" That's how bad I am lol. So, I think I just set myself up for disappointment when only 2 or 3 people show up to an event that had been in the works for a month or so. I expect a large turn out and am bummed if only 3 people show up. Why? I don't know... Guess I got addicted to the large groups. Rewind back to 5 years or so ago, and i would have LOVED if 3 people showed up, lol. I guess you get a taste of something you've been missing all this time, and anything less is unsatisfactory. Just a mindset thing I guess. I need to learn to be happy with having a couple people wanting to come over and hang out. I shouldn't take offense to people not showing up, but part of me does. Especially when they had so much notice in advance.

There is this one guy, notorious for flaking. And I don't even think he realizes either. But say... if I send him an invite a month or so in advance telling him to "save the date" he will usually respond with "But, that is SO FAR in advance. I have no idea what I will be doing then" it's a total facepalm moment for me, because it's like "Dude, Yes you do know what you will be doing then! You will be attending THIS event!! These are your plans for that day. It's simple. You pencil is down on your calendar, and if someone else asks you to do something, you politely turn it down saying you already have plans for that day" But... not everyone can be like that right? Do you think people like that are hoping something better comes up? Is that why they are afraid to commit to something weeks in advance? That response has always perplexed me. If someone tells me "Hey it's blah blah blah event on March 30th" and it's today, march 2nd, I would check my schedule and if I was free, I would totally write it down. I would never in a million years be like "meh... remind me closer to the date to see if I have anything else going on or not"

Halo Infinity
03-23-2019, 12:08 AM
I thought of posting this in The little things that cheer you up. thread, but seeing what it turned into, it clearly belongs here.

This will be to some a very odd association/connection/pairing, and understandably/rightfully so.

Anyway, taking the time to reminisce The Fragile, Super Smash Bros. Melee and Kung Pow! Enter the Fist cheer me up because all 3 releases were still technically new when I started one of my best friendships ever with a friend that was akin to a biological brother to me, who also became a fellow Nine Inch Nails fan at the time.

I would've also included With Teeth and Super Smash Bros. Brawl too, but those 3 releases really was the start of what will be one of the most memorable/beautiful friendships of my youth as we even spent almost as much time as biological brothers did. It lasted from when I was 16 and ended when I was 25.

We're still very much cool and all, but he's definitely moved on to other pursuits and interests as he got very much into the EDM scene and drinking and dancing/clubbing in college. I'm also just reflecting on this a bit more for the last time before the 2010s end because our regular get-togethers stopped in 2011. And it was from late 2002 to mid 2011. We kind of got to know each other more and more from very late 2000-2001, but we weren't that close yet.

It also just takes me back to the time we would just shoot the breeze and chill on weekends/vacations and surf the Internet together, watch DVDs and play video games and from time to time order Chinese food and/or pizza or just go elsewhere to eat when we were about to go our seperate ways. We frequented YTMND, Newgrounds and YouTube, and mostly played Nintendo, but some PlayStation as well. And in spite of Gmail taking over, he still stuck with Hotmail, but I'm sure he also obviously tried Gmail, especially for logging on to YouTube. And we also used to keep in touch on Xanga, AIM, Myspace and Facebook. I don't think he liked Twitter all that much, and by the time Instagram really blew up, it was already over.

I know that I should also accept that it's over, but one really doesn't meet people like that every day, and it really is but for a season in one's life, since what counts as a good time is still inevitable to change, even in the slightest ways as you get older.

I'll also still say that the dude was very much like @elevenism (https://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=2475) and @henryeatscereal (https://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=1572).

But yeah. What I'm undergoing right now is quite the epitome of: "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1173-don-t-cry-because-it-s-over-smile-because-it-happened

For the first time as of right now in this very post, I can finally/actually make peace with it and accept it. You know who you are dude, and should you read this, please consider this to be an ultra Luv List for a fellow NIN fan I've met/known in real life. I'm so grateful that we had a chance to see NIN together in 2009 at Wantagh, New York at Nikon at Jones Beach Theater, as it's almost already the 10 year anniversary to that very day.

And All That Could Have Been. Live./Still. was also part of the start of our friendship, and we had at least one good time watching Closure together. He has those TVs that have a built-in VHS player.

This also just added one of the reasons why The Fragile even beat The Downward Spiral by a hair when it came to ranking my favorite NIN albums of all time. Admittedly, sentimental and nostalgic, but more on the sentimental side nonetheless. :)

Honorable Mentions: Insane Clown Posse, Marilyn Manson, Eminem, Linkin Park (As far as other artists that we enjoyed together at the start of our friendship.)

Haysey
03-27-2019, 10:45 AM
Well i just found out one of the very few friends i have left is leaving for Canada this year, and considering how difficult it is for me to ever meet up with her while she lives locally means i'll most likely never see her again :( (we did try to meet up over christmas several times but she cancelled them all at the last minute) so i pretty much only have one friend in London now who i work with...and she doesn't even have time for lunch with me. Well...fuck.

bothersome
08-30-2019, 12:20 PM
I've only really had temporary acquaintances for the past 4-5 years. Never been able to actively keep in contact with anyone for more than a year without being forced to see them regularly because of stuff like school.

piggy
08-31-2019, 12:09 AM
Anyone lose touch with someone a REALLY long time ago? Ever had a major falling out with a bestie? There's hope...

I recently had my 20 year high school reunion and as a result of having to help contact people to come, I ended up getting back in touch with a close friend that I had been out of touch with for 17 years. Then, that same weekend, I got an apology from someone who was once my best friend and had hurt me pretty badly. We didn't bother speaking to each other for 10 years. She wasn't at my class reunion, but she got in touch with me after seeing pre-reunion stuff on Facebook. The one from 17 years ago couldn't be at the reunion, either. Both of these ladies live on the east coast. But it sure feels good to have no more dangling shit from the past, or missing puzzle pieces.

Halo Infinity
10-13-2019, 10:53 PM
I've only really had temporary acquaintances for the past 4-5 years. Never been able to actively keep in contact with anyone for more than a year without being forced to see them regularly because of stuff like school.
While I've known it's been inevitable for quite some time, just being in my 30s has helped me further realize just how easy it is to "fall off the face of the Earth" socially even without actually any intentional efforts whatsoever the older you get.

It hit me again more and more when I realized that just about everybody I know my age or at least just a few years both younger and and older are now married with children, own homes and careers/jobs being a given while also being done with school altogether. Unless there's some special occasion or something to do with families and/or churches in my case personally, then that's it. And as selfish as this, I now have a feeling just wanting to do what I want to do is not helping either, even if I do my best to not impose on anybody or be pushy in any way, shape or form. I do my best to listen as much as possible, and accommodate if/whenever I can, but even that's sometimes not enough to prevent myself from ending up alone, aside from my parents/family. I've also fallen into this loop of logic thinking that if I'm alone, at least I'm bothering zero people and zero people are bothering me. But in spite of all that, I still also believe that aside from a family in good rapport, good friendships can also make for a happy and healthy life too, so it still leaves me a bit conflicted, but I still get it.

I also haven't really tried to get close to anybody at work either, since I try not to make friends on a whim, if not due being cautious from so many bad experiences or people (Including myself.) being so much more trouble than they're worth (That could also be a little bit of misanthropy speaking.), plus I'm at a point in my life where I have absolutely no desire or reason to mess with anybody nor be messed with, it was also based on the fact that it's really a lot more difficult than I thought and it just made me realize as to why it's harder as an adult, especially when you're looking for an excellent rapport and an actual connection without everything just being phoned in the fill the silence and pass the time. Not to mention, at least to me, keeping your professional and personal life absolutely separate still seems to be the among the best advice I've taken regarding the workplace as it helped keep me out of trouble if not minimize it immensely.

All this didn't really hit me the way it did until now, and it ultimately gave me more insight as to how the middle aged and elderly also end up so alone aside from health/financial/marital issues/reasons and/or death.

In spite of all this, I'm still all for good family and friends. (Since even cousins can sometimes be like friends.)

piggy
10-13-2019, 11:45 PM
It's funny that you mention cousins. I consider some of my cousins to be some of my best friends. I get to see a portion of them every summer, but as I continue to bond with them, I wish I could see them more often. It seems like it's really difficult for us to get together, though. I feel like we have to say, "I'll see ya when I see ya." It really sucks.

theruiner
10-14-2019, 03:33 AM
One of my closest friends (and the only close friend that lives near me) is moving out of state in a few months and I'm already getting sad. I'm trying not to. But it hit me tonight that she's going to be leaving soon. I'm going to try not to focus on it and just enjoy her company as much as I can. But god damn, am I going to miss her. I'm tearing up just writing this.

piggy
10-14-2019, 11:37 PM
Oh, that's awful. Here's a huge hug for you.

One of my friends moved away just as I was getting to know her. We bonded over the phone quite a bit and became closer, but then she went through some stuff that caused her to switch that off. It's been almost two and a half years since I've seen her and I'm hoping I'll be able to soon, but she never knows when she's gonna make it out here for real.

theruiner
10-15-2019, 04:43 PM
Thank you. I'm sorry you went through that, too.

And yeah, that shit is tough. My best friend lives across the country and I haven't seen her in two years. I miss her terribly. This living far away thing suuuucks.

ManBurning
10-15-2019, 08:30 PM
One of my closest friends (and the only close friend that lives near me) is moving out of state in a few months and I'm already getting sad. I'm trying not to. But it hit me tonight that she's going to be leaving soon. I'm going to try not to focus on it and just enjoy her company as much as I can. But god damn, am I going to miss her. I'm tearing up just writing this.

Yep. I lost a friend to him moving away this summer as well. We grew up together in the same city in central Canada and then I moved to the west coast in 2006, fate brought him out here as well, but he officially packed his bags and left for the province next to me on August 30th. Now I have no friends left. It sucks. My girlfriend and I have lost 3 different groups of friends to them moving away in the last 3 years. Now all we have is each other. We have been trying hard to meet new people, but it's next to impossible when you are in your 30s.

When I was younger, I used to wonder why parents/grandparents never had any friends anymore. It was generally something I didn't understand. I thought to myself "Why not just stay friends." now as an adult in my 30s now, I understand that it just comes natural. Nobody plans to break away from their friends and just one day to decide they don't want friends anymore. Life just gets in the way, unfortunately.

I've been really lonely/depressed these last couple months after realizing we basically have no more friends left. It's a hard thing to come to terms with.

piggy
10-16-2019, 12:13 AM
It could get better, though. Different people are at different stages of life all the time. I had friends I thought I'd never see or hear from again, but once they had adulted for a while, they realized they were ready to get back to working at friendships again. One piece of advice I can offer is to do friendship with direct contact instead of social media. I think it's far more meaningful to shoot some texts back and forth and to set up some phone conversations than to have some interaction on Facebook or what have you. I have friends where I literally have to, like, make "appointments" with them to have a phone call. It sounds silly, but it's totally worth it. Works much better than playing phone tag and never getting the timing right. That direct, heart-to-heart, take the time to touch base thing makes all the difference. Your mileage may vary, of course.

Halo Infinity
10-25-2019, 11:57 PM
It could get better, though. Different people are at different stages of life all the time. I had friends I thought I'd never see or hear from again, but once they had adulted for a while, they realized they were ready to get back to working at friendships again. One piece of advice I can offer is to do friendship with direct contact instead of social media. I think it's far more meaningful to shoot some texts back and forth and to set up some phone conversations than to have some interaction on Facebook or what have you.
It took me so long to realize this because I kept using the Internet as a crutch and a shortcut as a means of socializing in hopes to make new friends from 2000 to 2015. I've always written much better than I spoke, so it was only natural for me to become much more comfortable with E-mail, texting and social media.

As sad or even ridiculous/lame as this will inevitably sound to some, this is also my exact reason for getting absolutely addicted to social media and Internet forums, as I was using both types of sites to fill in the void of lacking real life friends. It also taught me that most people would rather be called or spoken to face to face, as typing would also seem like a chore to them, let alone actual work. And then there's the fact that one must also make time for friends in person in real life anyway.

It also taught me and/or also helped me further realize that if any friend I ever had kept declining phone calls that perhaps it's best/time to just let it go and move on, even if you're still in amicable terms. Either that friend has also moved on and that the friendship is over, or that friends just might be too busy or having a hard time with life, and would rather not share it with me.


I have friends where I literally have to, like, make "appointments" with them to have a phone call. It sounds silly, but it's totally worth it. Works much better than playing phone tag and never getting the timing right. That direct, heart-to-heart, take the time to touch base thing makes all the difference. Your mileage may vary, of course.
For real. As a matter of fact, as rare as the occurrences were, that's the only thing that's actually worked for me too. I still try to be careful as I've been hurt so much in the past, yet at the same time, like other aspects of life, you really just win some or lose some, and it would just be impossible without taking any type of risk whatsoever.

It still blows my mind how easy it is to end up alone even when you're not even trying to be alone as you age though. Of course, interests, priorities and boundaries are ever-changing and all, as always, but it's still just incredible as it is astounding as to how friends can quickly vanish in droves, even on good or even excellent terms as life passes by to me. Speaking of which, especially for my parents as retirees, discussions about which friend passed away has become a normal topic of discussion sometimes, aside from family.

But yes, I figured appointments are the best in regards to making plans with friends. It's just easier should there be accommodations available once everything is settled, organized and punctual.

piggy
10-27-2019, 12:07 AM
For real. As a matter of fact, as rare as the occurrences were, that's the only thing that's actually worked for me too. I still try to be careful as I've been hurt so much in the past, yet at the same time, like other aspects of life, you really just win some or lose some, and it would just be impossible without taking any type of risk whatsoever.

It still blows my mind how easy it is to end up alone even when you're not even trying to be alone as you age though. Of course, interests, priorities and boundaries are ever-changing and all, as always, but it's still just incredible as it is astounding as to how friends can quickly vanish in droves, even on good or even excellent terms as life passes by to me. Speaking of which, especially for my parents as retirees, discussions about which friend passed away has become a normal topic of discussion sometimes, aside from family.

But yes, I figured appointments are the best in regards to making plans with friends. It's just easier should there be accommodations available once everything is settled, organized and punctual.
I feel you so much. I'm in this fucking odd position of being single and childless and not super-duper busy, while most of my friends are some variation of the opposite of that. It makes it automatically harder for both parties to relate to each other, and it means that I do end up being much more alone than I should be. But I'd almost rather have that quality-over-quantity thing with my closest friends than have a bunch of surface social media relationships that consist of little more than pleasantries. I thrive on "frientimacy" and I find it very hard to get people who aren't my all-time BFFs to open up and be vulnerable with me. I want them to, because we all deal with hard shit and I'd love to be able to help someone out. And like you, I do get hurt in friendships sometimes. We all have some friends who are extra flaky and it leads to unintentional hurt, especially if you already deal with depression in the first place.

ItsChrisRoss
10-31-2019, 12:06 PM
Yesterday I decided to cut ties with a friend because the friendship no longer felt good to me. I constantly felt like I was putting in more effort than this person and each time I tried to bring it to their attention, the told me they were tired of hearing about it and minimized my feelings. I could no longer deal with constantly feeling bad about feeling bad, so I cut ties. I'm mourning the friendship a bit but know its for the better. What a shame.

piggy
10-31-2019, 11:39 PM
I've been in a friendship kind of like that, more than once. It really blows, but I know you'll be better off. Fucking social vampires. How long were you friends? Does this person's behavior seem out of character or did you kind of see it coming?

ItsChrisRoss
11-01-2019, 01:18 AM
I've been in a friendship kind of like that, more than once. It really blows, but I know you'll be better off. Fucking social vampires. How long were you friends? Does this person's behavior seem out of character or did you kind of see it coming?

Iím assuming your response was to me? Their behavior was not out of character. Itís been like this for a while. We became friends last December and things were pretty good until about July. I just felt like I was always trying harder. Trying to reach out more. Trying to make plans more. Trying to make them feel better more. Trying to be there for them more. So when I started getting frustrated at always making more of an effort than them, I voiced it. And every single time, they shut me down. Didnít want to hear it, didnít want to talk about it, was tired of hearing about it, totally minimized my feelings. It got to the point where I was too worried and too scared to tell them how I was feeling because I worried they would get frustrated again and shut down. Itís kind of like a relationship that you slowly see ending. The more you think about ending it, the more you know in your gut it needs to end. I guess I just feel a bit lonely now and itís been hard not to reach back out but Iím proud of myself for not giving in.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

piggy
11-01-2019, 02:00 AM
Yeah, sorry. Should have quoted you. That super sucks about your friend. Some people are too selfish or immature to be in adult friendships, I guess.

Halo Infinity
11-10-2019, 10:38 PM
I don't know why or even how it took me so long, aside from the fact that I thought some of the friendships I had would last forever, but dwelling on this topic for the past 10 to 15 years has finally made me get a much better understanding of the desire to relocate and start all over should the opportunity come to fruition, even if the location had great jobs and places to go to. I finally get it now.