The Transgender Thread

[ItsJustDave]

Hi everyone. Long time listener, first time caller. Everyone in here is brave, courageous, and awesome.

I've recently become aware that I'm the father of a transgender child. He's come out as identifying as a boy and I don't believe I've ever seen him happier than he is day to day right now. We ventured to NYC for a friend's wedding roughly a week after he'd come out. I introduced him by his new name (despite the fact that he hadn't yet acquired a binder. he's 13 and developed early). Everyone was awesome, it was great.

But it is not without it's struggles. 13 years of reinforcement of names and pronouns is hard to overcome, but I think I've only slipped up a few times. I think the hardest part is finding the balance between being firm about the names and pronouns others use while not turning situations into embarrassing situations for him. I do my best to execute judgment on these situations, but I worry that sometimes I make the wrong call.

We've connected with GLYS (Gay and Lesbian Youth Services) and they've been really great and helpful. They've got a monthly group for parents and kids that seems good so far, but I'd like to engage as much support as I can. I'm hoping this is an appropriate place for that.

[theruiner]

Holy crap, you are awesome! I'm always so happy to hear about accepting parents. I wish I could have transitioned when I was 13.

I can't really think of any advice or anything right now, but please feel free to reach out with any questions. This place is a great resource.

[theimage13]

Hi

Hi. Thank you for not being shitty. Seriously, just thank you for being an open, caring, and supportive father. Moar Daves in the world please.

[ItsJustDave]

Holy crap, you are awesome! I'm always so happy to hear about accepting parents. I wish I could have transitioned when I was 13.

Hi. Thank you for not being shitty. Seriously, just thank you for being an open, caring, and supportive father. Moar Daves in the world please.

Thanks, but how fucked up is it that this is not just the norm? I mean... there's nothing exceptional about being a loving parent to your children. To say that I'm somehow exceeding expectations just gives so many fuckwits a free pass to be less than they ought to be.

Anyways, I think I'm about 5 minutes late here, but happy coming out day!

I'm pleased to say that we recently overcame a major hurdle at my son's school. They make heavy use of technology, more specifically, Google Classroom. This allows them to interact with one another on classwork (commenting on each other's writing, etc.). Up until recently, he was unable to participate as they were having technical issues getting his name into the system properly (complicated data synchronization between disparate systems issues). They finally got these issues resolved and it was such a relief. The school was suggesting that the only way they might be able to resolve it would be a legal name change. Not that we're opposed to the idea, but it's > $200 in court fees, plus what is no doubt a prolonged period of waiting to actually go to court.

Has anyone here been through a legal name change? If so, how much of a PITA was it?

[allegro]

Has anyone here been through a legal name change? If so, how much of a PITA was it?

I've never been through it but I'm in law and we've represented clients who've done it. Each county and state has different nuances but they're basically the same procedures: File a petition for a name change, you have to publish it (usually in something like the local Law Bulletin), and then there is a hearing but it's only to explain why you want the name change, no big deal.

See this publication.

See this.

See this.

See this.

If you need more help, you can probably get a local advocacy service to walk you through it.

It looks really daunting but it's not really that hard.

Honestly, your son will end up having to do it eventually, anyway, so you might as well get it over with. Change the gender marker on his birth certificate, too.

[sick among the pure]

Not that we're opposed to the idea, but it's > $200 in court fees, plus what is no doubt a prolonged period of waiting to actually go to court.

Has anyone here been through a legal name change? If so, how much of a PITA was it?

Yeah, NY state is, at least compared to PA, more expensive and more of a pain because of what has to be done. At least, that's what I've been told by a trans friend who moved to PA (for other reasons) and waited until the move to change her name.
I haven't gone through it yet, but if I do before you guys do, I'll make sure to bug you on FB about it. You're one county north, so that'll be different, but I can at least walk you through the NYS stuff.
Not that he's old enough, but fortunately getting your NYS photo ID (permit/license) gender marker changed is SUPER EASY.

[allegro]

Yeah, NY state is, at least compared to PA, more expensive and more of a pain because of what has to be done. At least, that's what I've been told by a trans friend who moved to PA (for other reasons) and waited until the move to change her name.
I haven't gone through it yet, but if I do before you guys do, I'll make sure to bug you on FB about it. You're one county north, so that'll be different, but I can at least walk you through the NYS stuff.
Not that he's old enough, but fortunately getting your NYS photo ID (permit/license) gender marker changed is SUPER EASY.

In Cook County, IL, the current court filing fee is $319 plus the cost of publishing a notice in a newspaper (usually the Daily Law Bulletin because it is cheaper) for 3 consecutive weeks, which is around $150, and this is all so daunting it's why most people hire an attorney from my office to handle a name change through the Chancery Division. I am talking even adopted kids or people named Lipshitz.

[sick among the pure]

In Cook County, IL, the current court filing fee is $319 plus the cost of publishing a notice in a newspaper (usually the Daily Law Bulletin because it is cheaper) for 3 consecutive weeks, which is around $150, and this is all so daunting it's why most people hire an attorney from my office to handle a name change through the Chancery Division. I am talking even adopted kids or people named Lipshitz.

I believe it's between $200-$300 in my county, plus 2 consecutive weeks published in the paper. I am hoping that working AT the paper might lead to a discount when the time comes, though.
And then there's the cost of having government paperwork like birth certificates and social security cards and shit all changed and sent out. But if I could deal with getting on hormones and getting chest surgery done, I can do this. Eventually.