The Mental Health thread - depression, bipolar, ADHD, you name it

[elevenism]

I wasn't sure where to share this but it's been bothering me. It's about something at work (after school program). So little kids can be cute, I get that. Though most of the time I hear that is towards one of the kindergartener specifically, with autism, and it's usually whenever he does something nonsensical, clearly in his own world. Kids do this and it can be cute. Anyways, when I hear this about him I get mixed feelings because part of this "cute" behavior is his his kid self and another part is the autism. Wondered what others had to say on this.

You know, i can relate to this because i worked as a nursing assistant back in my misspent 20s, and we often thought of things that the patients did as cute...patients with varying degrees of dementia.
So i had mixed feelings about it, because seeing it as cute kind of...robbed them of their humanity i guess?

[Hazekiah]

Dude. were you around back in 06 or 07 or so?
I SWEAR TO GOD, i would post something and then wait to see what kind of terrible shit people said back to me...no matter what i posted!

It is SO much more laid back now.
As far as the dr believing in ghosts...yeah, that's pretty fucked up now that i think about it...but i swear to GOD this house is haunted.

So okay man. My girl is pretty fucking crazy too, and we are about to get married. I'm not exactly mr sanity myself. Not to boast, but we both walk the tight rope between super intelligent and crazy. And we have had some TERRIBLE times.
But these days, we go to the same dr to get meds on the same day of the month and also have our talk therapy appts one right after the other.

Before she got better, she fucking hit me quite a bit and i also saved her life from 2 suicide attempts.

As far as your girl goes, the cheating thing is what bothers me. It hurts me FOR you man. If i were you, i would make it pretty goddamn clear that i wasn't going to cut for that shit.
You say it feels great and magical and i can understand that man, i really can.
What i'd like to see is for her to get into a psych hospital and get stable on meds. Love is love and i understand that!
Perhaps things will work out, but i think she is going to need treatment.
At the same time, don't let her walk all over you, brother man.
I had an ex that was really fucking crazy and refused to get treatment.
It took me three years to realize that she didn't really love me and would NEVER love me like i loved her.
Hang in there, man. It sounds like YOUR mental well being isn't great right now!
Man, i don't work, and i'm here a LOT. So keep me posted on how things are going.
I am the opposite of the mean part of ets. I'm fucking here for you. I have love for you because i believe in synchronicity and that we are here at the same time for a reason, and also because you seem like a cool dude, and finally, because it takes BALLS to spill your heart all over the internet to be judged.

Thanks again for listening, btw. It really does help a lot just to be able to talk about this SOMEWHERE, at least.

And I was mostly kidding about assholes at ets, lol...but, yeah. I've been here since about '05 I think so I've seen most of what's happened since then, in general. It seems like that last restart a few years back ditched some of the worst offenders who haven't found their way back yet, actually. Haha, it's whatever. Just sayin'!

But anyway. It sounds like you and your lady have a pretty cool thing going. I would have LOVED to have been able to share in the treatment experience with mine (if only to make sure she was actually telling her therapist the truth), but considering she only ever went to the first two one-hour sessions before quitting entirely...well, between that and being forced to leave after her latest round of cheating and violent outbursts, I never really got the chance.

Hell, at THIS point, I'd be happy to hear that she was even just doing anything about it ALONE again.

And, thanks, yes...the cheating thing especially has been an absolute nightmare. It was one of the first things that made me realize how bad things were inside her head.

Not a lot of people know this because I don't go out of my way to make a big deal about it -- but wtf it's relevant and relatively discreet here so why not -- but Manson himself Facebook messaged me out of the blue and put me on his guest list in late 2012. Which was a little after I met her at a show and we hit it off so spectacularly that I couldn't help but invite her along as my +1. I was pretty psyched, obviously. Basically it was a dream come true as a fan and I got to live it out with the girl of my dreams on my arm the whole time. I was in HEAVEN, man. We saw EVERY SINGLE SHOW of our favorite band together for a whole year FOR FREE. It was basically the best gift I'd ever been able to give ANYONE and, naturally, she shit ALL OVER it.

Again, that's how I knew how bad it was. Who would go so far out their way to fuck up something THAT good if they WEREN'T somehow insane, right?

First, I heard about her fucking some crew guy in the bathroom after a show like TWO WEEKS out of the gate but I let it slide because it WAS technically only our second or third date really, even though that "date" was a month long and extremely intimate considering all the travelling we were doing together. Plus, she kept telling me she was just wasted and didn't mean to do it and even went so far as to tell me she'd been raped that night but refused to report it even though I BEGGED her to. And they even stayed pretty buddy-buddy on the tour afterward and I wasn't about to fuck up some guy's whole life simply because she couldn't own up to what she'd done, so I left it at that and figured I knew what REALLY happened and just kept a closer eye on things afterward. And things was good for the next few months. Then this last summer we were on the road together chasing the tour again and I found out she'd fucked ANOTHER crew guy behind my back at a show. I mean, HOLY FUCK...seriously? I almost brought everything to a screeching halt RIGHT THEN AND THERE but she seemed truly remorseful and I had to admit that we weren't TECHNICALLY a full-on "facebook official" couple yet so I let it go, albeit after MUCH very intense arguing. I just couldn't believe it was even happening. AGAIN. The greatest gift I'd ever given anyone and she was turning it into a COMPLETE fucking trainwreck. But we worked it out and finished the tour together, even if only just barely, and we were both pretty happy once she got a handle on her impulse control. After the tour was over I stayed with her in Florida for several months before heading back home and during that time we eventually worked things out enough to become an actual, full-on couple. Although, honestly, I felt like there was just no way in hell I could trust her from a thousand miles away so if we were going to have even HALF a chance at making things work for REAL then I was just going to have to stay right there the entire time. So I did. She was worth it to me and I had the flexibility to do so and hope never dies and all that.

And it was mostly great! Her family and roommates all accepted and appreciated me being there to help and with the tour over and us being able to take it easy finally there was a really nice period of relative peaceful normalcy and contentedness lasting several months. It was beautiful! I felt like I was finally seeing the REAL her, unencumbered by all her psychotic cheating, ladderclimbing, and manipulative bullshit. It was painfully apparent to me that she'd only ever cheated on me with the VERY FEW people who had better hookups than I did for tickets and backstage passes so I feel like it's pretty clear what was going on there. When she's at her worst I'm still pretty torn up trying to figure out if I was just used for my tickets and passes myself, but I think her diagnosis covers that pretty well. It's just hard to remind myself of that sometimes. When family issues drove her to her most nearly-successful suicide attempt and 3-day coma and she was FINALLY officially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, it was like a revelation. EVERYTHING about it fit SO perfectly. Having cycled down and become relatively clear-headed, she could see that too and was immensely comforted to finally understand HERSELF better, too. Even thoiugh it was ABSOLUTE HELL getting there, we finally knew what was wrong with her and had a shot at making her better. For a while there she was actually TRYING, too.

So that's why it's ESPECIALLY distressing to see what's happened since. I've seen her at her best. I know she's a good person who just happens to have an incredibly fucked-up head and just can't help herself when she's acting out sometimes. If she were just relentlessly horrible and I didn't care enough to have gotten to the point of understanding and helping her it would be INFINITELY easier to simply say FUCK THAT EVIL CUNT, I AM OUT. But it's SO CLEAR when she's in the middle of a self-destructive, delusional rampage. As much as I want to and probably should, I can't even really hate her when she's like that...I just feel bad for her and want to help her get better. But she's back to not even acknowledging her diagnosis let alone engaging in ANY kind of treatment so she's been all-out mental for a couple months now.

Basically, yet ANOTHER crew guy kept passing through town on his post-Manson gig and although I couldn't prove it I strongly suspected she was cheating on me EVERY single time. And she was, that's been confirmed. She was supposed to be earning back my trust and I just KNEW something was up when they'd text all day and then I'd check her cell and find the whole conversation deleted. Right around the time she'd come home SUPER late, of course. Even if she HADN'T been cheating that obviously wouldn't have been cool, considering her history of infidelities. So considering we were finally a good, strong, solid couple this last time I fucking put my foot down and called her out on it. But, yeah...there are few things BPD patients like LESS than being called out like that. So after she came home from cheating on me YET AGAIN, all coked-up and drunk, her irrational anger manifested in the form of HER attacking and beating ME in the middle of our argument and then her attempting to stab me with keys, scissors, kitchen knives, whatever she could find. Then she started cutting herself and trying to drive off to kill herself and "make it all better," as she put it. So I had to occasionally restrain and monitor her the entire night until she finally passed out. She seemed better the next morning, relatively speaking, but when her manager noticed her bruised arms (from me deflecting her blows and restraining her and from her flailing wildly in close confines) and the dried blood she had on her (from her cutting herself AND me as I disarmed her), it was apparently too golden an opportunity so she told everyone I assaulted HER.

It was just like when that guy "raped" her. She at least had the good sense not to follow through on her lies to the point of actually getting the police involved, but my situation was untenable. As much as I hated to do it, I had to leave before she escalated things any further and wound up putting me in jail with her lying bullshit.

So I've been back home for two months now trying to help her long-distance but she's surrounded by an echo-chamber of her own bullshit down there and has only continued to get worse. I understand everyone circling the wagons around her defensively too, but it really hurts and baffles me that I was the sober and sane one yet MY recounting of the events as they ACTUALLY happened is the one no one's willing to hear. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK. I have a LIFETIME HISTORY of being a perfect gentleman and she has a LIFETIME HISTORY of being completely fucking crazy and trying to kill herself. How can everyone NOT see what's happening there, ffs? I've since discovered that this is a VERY common thread among the victims of BPD outbursts, especially when they happen to be men suffering at the hands of women. It's actually pretty devastating to be SO cruelly and callously maligned by someone like that simply for their own convenience, especially when you're all alone and they have all the support in the world...just not the kind they actually NEED because no one sees what's actually happening because they are such amazingly manipulative people preying upon the sympathies of GOOD people who don't even realize what they're enabling. Ugh.

So I was feeling pretty bitter on my way out. I took back a lot of the stuff I felt like she never really deserved, especially not if she was going to pull shit like THAT on ME of all people. Tickets, passes, setlists...little things like that. It was petty and spiteful of me, I know. But there's a time and place for everything and THAT felt like IT. I just CAN'T STAND the idea of her looking over at her wall of memorabilia and reminiscing about what a great time she had absolutely RUINING our entire time together. I let her use my extra tickets and passes out of pure, open-hearted love and she turned around and cheated behind my back REPEATEDLY on EVERY SINGLE LEG of the tour, so I feel like she's HAD her use of them already and that was PLENTY. But I left the passes for her since she'd already spent so much on frames for them and was being relatively civil the last few days before I left. And I'd already boxed and shipped home the other stuff with my own things before then so I was PLANNING on sending it all back to her when I caught up with it all after Greyhounding home, but she's continued being absolutely horrible again so I'm holding on to that shit until she actually starts treating me like a human fucking being again. And that's apparently too much to ask so that's where things stand now.

I hadn't heard her voice for TWO MONTHS until she called a couple days ago and spent the ENTIRE two minute conversation bringing me up to speed on her history of cheating on me for some reason -- and making the STUPIDEST excuses, like well yeah okay she fucked this one guy but the other two don't count because she only sucked their cocks and that's not even sex and OMFG WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU PSYCHOTIC IDIOT -- before telling me she was going to kill herself, it would all be my fault, and then hanging up.

So it's been EXTREMELY goddamned difficult but I'm trying to stand by her anyway. If she would simply ENTER INTO TREATMENT for her DIAGNOSED DISORDER then she'd be FINE again but she's WAY THE FUCK off the deep end right now and I'm just trying to learn how better to handle it all, keep my distance, and alert her loved ones about what she's doing. But it's hard. I know she's in there somewhere and hurting and DESPERATELY in need of help but it's getting increasingly impossible to deal with when she goes off like that.

The LAST thing she needs is the ONE person who knows what's up and who cares enough to address it to suddenly abandoning her when she needs help the most...but MAN does she make it difficult. I can't even call her my girlfriend anymore right now but haven't bothered changing my relationship status because frankly I'm not particularly interested in anyone else and goddamnit it's not even HER breaking up with ME, it's her untreated mental illness breaking up with some fictionalized version of me she fabricated to avoid her own issues.

I mean, I guess that's how ANY breakup goes (lulz), but like I said before hope never dies.

Well, not YET anyway.

We'll see.

:-\

[Jinsai]

We saw EVERY SINGLE SHOW of our favorite band together for a whole year FOR FREE. It was basically the best gift I'd ever been able to give ANYONE and, naturally, she shit ALL OVER it.

Again, that's how I knew how bad it was. Who would go so far out their way to fuck up something THAT good if they WEREN'T somehow insane, right?

Red flag number one, she wants to see Manson play over and over again every night.

Seriously though, you offered her something she wanted, and she took it. It's not completely psychotic, any more than it's completely psychotic to think that you're offering this wonderful thing to her, and so in turn she should treat you differently because you were offering this glorious wonderful "greatest thing in the world" as a first-date gift.

First, I heard about her fucking some crew guy in the bathroom after a show like TWO WEEKS out of the gate

Wait... You just said "I was in HEAVEN, man. We saw EVERY SINGLE SHOW of our favorite band together for a whole year FOR FREE."

Red flag number 2, this girl isn't what you think she is. She's a GROUPIE. You're a groupie too, but you're a different kind of groupie. You're giving a GROUPIE free backstage tickets to follow around her favorite band, and right away she fucks the nearest roadie.

but I let it slide because it WAS technically only our second or third date really, even though that "date" was a month long and extremely intimate considering all the travelling we were doing together.

Travelling? Were you sexually intimate? Because, otherwise, you're bunk buddies in her mind, and your basic bond is your mutual adoration of Marilyn Manson... which I'd say isn't the strongest foundation for a relationship.

Plus, she kept telling me she was just wasted and didn't mean to do it and even went so far as to tell me she'd been raped that night but refused to report it even though I BEGGED her to. And they even stayed pretty buddy-buddy on the tour afterward

Red Flag number three: she's telling you she was raped by somebody that she's currently friendly with, and she refuses to go to the authorities about it.

I wasn't about to fuck up some guy's whole life simply because she couldn't own up to what she'd done

You just said you BEGGED her to "fuck up some guy's whole life simply because she couldn't own up to what she'd done," even though it was clearly evident you shouldn't believe her because they were "buddy buddy."

so I left it at that and figured I knew what REALLY happened and just kept a closer eye on things afterward. And things was good for the next few months. Then this last summer we were on the road together chasing the tour again and I found out she'd fucked ANOTHER crew guy behind my back at a show.

Red Flag number 10. You didn't see this coming?

I mean, HOLY FUCK...seriously?

You were seriously surprised? You are just meeting this person, and this has already happened again (that you know about)! It's not surprising!

I almost brought everything to a screeching halt RIGHT THEN AND THERE but

...but?!

she seemed truly remorseful and I had to admit that we weren't TECHNICALLY a full-on "facebook official" couple

She previously told you the first time that she was "wasted and raped" by the lighting guy, then when she jumped on the next available guitar tech, you believed her when she was "truly remorseful?"

and your relationship status at this point is still not "Facebook official." I have no idea what this means. Were you in a sexually monogamous relationship? Were you in an open relationship? Why would the social media aspect matter when you consider your "status" with this person?

yet so I let it go, albeit after MUCH very intense arguing. I just couldn't believe it was even happening. AGAIN. The greatest gift I'd ever given anyone and she was turning it into a COMPLETE fucking train wreck.

"would you like to travel around the country with me and see Marilyn Manson over and over again even though we don't know each other outside of our mutual love of marilyn manson" does NOT immediately make you serious boyfriend and girlfriend.

But we worked it out and finished the tour together, even if only just barely, and we were both pretty happy once she got a handle on her impulse control. After the tour was over I stayed with her in Florida for several months before heading back home and during that time we eventually worked things out enough to become an actual, full-on couple. Although, honestly, I felt like there was just no way in hell I could trust her from a thousand miles away so if we were going to have even HALF a chance at making things work for REAL then I was just going to have to stay right there the entire time. So I did.

So the only way you felt that you could trust your partner to not cheat on you was to keep an eye on her 24/7... I hope that that this doesn't happen again...

And it was mostly great! Her family and roommates all accepted and appreciated me being there to help and with the tour over and us being able to take it easy finally there was a really nice period of relative peaceful normalcy and contentedness lasting several months. It was beautiful! I felt like I was finally seeing the REAL her, unencumbered by all her psychotic cheating, ladderclimbing, and manipulative bullshit. It was painfully apparent to me that she'd only ever cheated on me with the VERY FEW people who had better hookups than I did for tickets and backstage passes so I feel like it's pretty clear what was going on there.

Wait... so you recognized that she was having sex with the most immediate men who were a heartbeat closer to Manson than you, and once that opportunity burned out is when you saw "the REAL her?"
...

Basically, yet ANOTHER crew guy kept passing through town on his post-Manson gig and although I couldn't prove it I strongly suspected she was cheating on me EVERY single time. And she was, that's been confirmed.

There is a pattern here, and it's not a disorder. She probably has a disorder, but you're not a psychiatrist. Let someone else diagnose her, as far as a relationship goes, this is where you walk away. The initial core of your romance is built around the fact that you're a line to Marilyn Manson... in that sense you're an enabler to this kind of behavior.

her irrational anger manifested in the form of HER attacking and beating ME in the middle of our argument and then her attempting to stab me with keys, scissors, kitchen knives, whatever she could find. Then she started cutting herself and trying to drive off to kill herself and "make it all better," as she put it. So I had to occasionally restrain and monitor her the entire night until she finally passed out. She seemed better the next morning, relatively speaking, but when her manager noticed her bruised arms (from me deflecting her blows and restraining her and from her flailing wildly in close confines) and the dried blood she had on her (from her cutting herself AND me as I disarmed her), it was apparently too golden an opportunity so she told everyone I assaulted HER.

Please tell me this is where this story ends and you realize that you need a restraining order.

So I've been back home for two months now trying to help her long-distance but she's surrounded by an echo-chamber of her own bullshit down there and has only continued to get worse.

She attacked you with a knife, and when the cops showed up, she told them you assaulted her. After she repeatedly fucked everyone with an "all access" pass. Your relationship with this person is not a good or healthy thing for either of you.. STOP. TALKING. TO. HER.

STILL, don't take my advice. Ask a doctor who went to school for this. Have you gone to see a psychologist yourself? What advice have they given you on how to deal with this?

I'm holding on to that shit until she actually starts treating me like a human fucking being again. And that's apparently too much to ask so that's where things stand now.

I don't know you, but that's where things stand forever. Don't wait for her to seem authentically remorseful again. Never talk to this person ever again. She's lied to you about being raped, she's lied to the cops about you beating her up, and all of this is predicated upon a relationship built around a foundation of you having access to concert tickets... which she immediately leaped upon as a stepping stone to someone who might have a more permanent access to the person you're both mutually obsessed with.

Again though, ask a psychiatrist/psychologist for advice.

I hadn't heard her voice for TWO MONTHS until she called a couple days ago and spent the ENTIRE two minute conversation bringing me up to speed on her history of cheating on me for some reason -- and making the STUPIDEST excuses, like well yeah okay she fucked this one guy but the other two don't count because she only sucked their cocks and that's not even sex and OMFG WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU PSYCHOTIC IDIOT -- before telling me she was going to kill herself, it would all be my fault, and then hanging up.

Fine. Not your problem. Ask a medically trained professional how you should respond.

The LAST thing she needs is the ONE person who knows what's up and who cares enough to address it to suddenly abandoning her when she needs help the most...but MAN does she make it difficult.

You are not helping her. If she commits suicide, it's not your fault. You cannot allow someone like this into your life, especially if they're acting aggressive, unstable, and resisting treatment. This ends badly. Trying to play armchair (and long-distance) psychiatrist with an unstable (and violent) relationship that is based on very questionable footing is dangerous. Do your best to get her some help if you want, but stay away. Don't meet her or speak with her directly, and instead watch the movie Dear Zachary. It's on Netflix.

I can't even call her my girlfriend anymore right now but haven't bothered changing my relationship status because frankly I'm not particularly interested in anyone else and goddamnit it's not even HER breaking up with ME, it's her untreated mental illness breaking up with some fictionalized version of me she fabricated to avoid her own issues.

wait... you're "in a relationship" on Facebook? End your relationship on Facebook. Actually, no, ask a medically trained psychologist what you should do. Show him/her what you've written here, and ask him/her what he/she thinks you should do.

Why aren't you interested in anyone else besides someone who has repeatedly lied to you about very serious issues, tried to frame you, potentially kill you, and then hysterically reinvolve you in her life with threats of suicide.

You are dragging this out. You need to end it.

I mean, I guess that's how ANY breakup goes (lulz), but like I said before hope never dies.

This is not how any breakup goes. This is not a normal relationship. You need to talk to a pro about this, not look up a disorder on wikipedia and hope you can make things work.

I might be coming across like an insensitive dick here, but when you say things like "hope never dies" it makes you sound like you're continuing to romanticize the notion of this all working out. Anyone who's ever had a stalker can tell you that this can get potentially uglier and more terrifying, and by comparison this makes having a stalker sound like a joke. When someone (that you've been avoiding in any capacity) contacts you and tries to appeal to you by threatening to kill herself, that isn't a game. At that point, idealism and concepts like "hope" get thrown out the window and you seek professional psychiatric (and potentially legal) help. This goes two-fold for someone who has attacked you with a deadly weapon and then lied to the police about it.

I would say that at the same time you should re-evaluate the way you consider what's expected from others when you give them things they can't say no to. Liking a band doesn't make you a match made in heaven. It's a starting point, and that's totally reasonable (it's something in common), but nothing that follows here is. I would say that no matter how impressive your introductory mating ritual is, be it exclusive concert tickets or a ridiculously expensive/exclusive gift of any sort (especially when you're not paying out of hand for it), it entitles you to no emotional connection or relationship. You keep framing this very dysfunctional relationship with aside notes about how she's trashing this great gift you're offering her, and how insane she is to throw it away.

[Hazekiah]

Well, firstly...thanks for reading all that and giving such a thorough response.

I guess I was unclear on a couple points, though.

She never called the cops, that was just an empty threat she made.

And I didn't just give her the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis myself, nor am I attempting to treat it. She spent three days in the psych. ward after she came out of her coma and after a pretty thorough psych. evaluations that's what they diagnosed her with. I'm simply trying to learn all I can about it myself to improve whatever interactions we have in the future and to understand her problems better because I care about her. Which is the same reason I'm urging her to follow up on it with ANY treatment whatsoever. I occasionally quote her messages back to her and point out which symptoms they represent to help her understand BPD and how badly she needs treatment for it.

It's also not like we just met each other and hit the road, btw. She invited me to come visit her after we spent Halloween together and we spent about a month together on a daily basis surrounding that Thanksgiving as a couple despite formally declaring it any particular type of relationship since it was still pretty early for that and because we lived so far apart, with her in Florida and me in Illinois.

But despite that distance we've maintained daily contact with each other for almost two years, these past two months notwithstanding. And, yeah, the relationship was very sexually intimate and intense the whole time. We weren't just roadtripping "bunk buddies," lol.

And that whole thing with her bullshit rape story just took me a while to sort out. Her story kept changing and it was early enough in our relationship wasn't quite so wise to her shit yet. So, yes, when she upgraded her story to rape accusations I urged her to turn the guy in but when I realized how inconsistent her claims were and started figuring out that she was almost certainly just fabricating the whole thing to avoid personal responsibility I dropped it rather than backing her into destroying the guy's life based on bullshit.

Also, I don't particularly care about facebook relationship statuses...but she does and being "facebook official," as she called it, was a big deal to her. Like I said before, understanding that and being forgiving I let it slide and moved on the first time she used my passes to fuck around behind my back. I figured maybe I'd just misjudged our relationship or something (even though I don't think it's asking too much to expect the person I'm bringing to the shows as my date and my +1 to NOT fuck someone else AT THOSE SAME SHOWS), so I used the opportunity to make things very clear after that and tried to move on. Months later, when it happened again, I was obviously too understanding and forgiving but I was starting to see that she had a real problem but tried to stick it out and help her through it. With the tour almost over I figured things would be getting better, after all.

And, yes, I do feel like I got the know the real her much better after the tour was over. With her removed from the hectic conditions of roadtripping and concertgoing she obviously was in a completely different headspace and was able to address some of her issues and just be cool and relax instead of walking into the lion's den practically every single night and exposing herself to situations where her impulse control problems keep getting out of hand.

You may have missed my earlier posts about this on the previous page, so sorry if I was unclear on any of those points on this one. But I care about this girl and of course I hope things will work out eventually but I have no illusions about it being easy or about her basically having used me for tickets and passes. Which I didn't use as leverage to establish any sort of emotional or relationship attachments, btw. We were already pretty deeply involved and when an amazing opportunity came my way months later I wanted to share it with the girl I loved, that's all. And I do actually think it's pretty insane to accept something like that and embark on a journey like that in the middle of a developing intimate and romantic relationship with someone only to turn around and compulsively cheat on that person repeatedly in the process. I've read her messages to other people about it and things she said about that she never thought I'd see. She loved me back and was head over heels for me actually while not only having no real interest in the people she cheated on me with but actively being repulsed by them. She literally simply could not control herself though and, yeah...that's pretty crazy.

Anyway, thanks again for the feedback. Just wanted to clarify a few points there.

[Jinsai]

I don't want to come across as a total asshole telling you how to manage a relationship I know relatively little about, but from what you're describing, this person is potentially a ticking time bomb. Be careful, and for both of your sakes, walk away. When I suggested you speak with a psychiatrist, I'm not being condescending or insulting. I honestly think it's a good idea.

If you really want to help her, in my opinion, the last person this girl should be dating is Marilyn Manson's biggest fan, and maybe you should be looking for a partner who doesn't share that obsession as well.

This kind of person can be authentically dangerous, well beyond what she's already demonstrated. When I suggested that you watch the movie Dear Zachary, I honestly and sincerely think it would be a good idea for you to check that documentary out if you haven't already seen it.

We've disagreed about petty things on this site, and argued about meaningless bullshit, but what you're describing here sounds like something well beyond a red flag; this is a screaming panic alarm.

[Elke]

In the past two years I've discovered that I'm not just a broody, melancholly person, but my social anxiety issues stem from hyperawareness (or, if you prefer, HSP) and have caused me to become chronically depressed.

Chronic. Depression.

I honestly don't know how to handle this. I've always assumed I was just the type of person who was like that, and then it turns out that a large chunk of what I thought was just me, was a disorder. And now it turns out that the disorder has caused me to be on permanent meltdown.

I know I'm being way too dramatic about this - a lot of people are chronically depressed, and they do alright and they manage to stay alive. But I'd kind of like to not have to 'manage to stay alive' but just live. I know there are people out there for whom it isn't a constant struggle or battle, and right now I'm so envious of them.

[halloween]

A curious take on depression:
http://www.brainpickings.org/index.p...rg-depression/

I relate a lot to this statement:
"As the great integrator, the mood system is acted on by many potential objects, and many of the forces that act on mood are hidden from conscious awareness (such as stress hormones or the state of our immune system). Left to our own devices, the stories we tell ourselves about our moods often end up being just that. Stories."

Many times I've tried to figure out "why I feel this way" and try to look for answers in my environment until I remembered that I'm sick or that pain I've been feeling for a few days now is going to make me moody!
I've struggled with a quiet depression that I mostly call Existential Depression. I notice that when one thing puts me off, conscious or no (for example, lack of sleep), all my thought patterns associated with depression will come up and I'll go through it all trying to problem solve my mood- I'll question and become depressed about every aspect of my life and identity. I've learned now not to dwell on these moments because if I then catch up on sleep I can easily wake up and feel confident about my self and life all over again! It feels rather bipolar because I know sometimes that if I feel exceptionally well, I will likely suffer a depressive state in the near future. I do sometimes think about seeing a therapist again but I'm not really in a financial position to do so.
Related, I recently was diagnosed with hypothyroid and hello- slow metabolism and low energy levels equals low mood levels! I'm proud that I can be Zen through these moods but I also feel like a failure for not exuding more love like the Buddha I strive to be! Then again I haven't been practicing Zen for years and years. It's been a theory in my life since a teenager but I've only been avidly practicing for the last 6 months about. By that I mean, breathing meditations, yoga, and actually practicing smiling! Being happy is hard work.

Edit:This website is full of gems: http://www.brainpickings.org/index.p...ill-roenneber/
One of my existential depression topics is how fucked up my current job has made my sleep schedule and sleep is SACRED TO ME. I realize that I'm going to battle with this reality for all my life unless I become my own boss.

[halloween]

I posed the above to FB and someone replied with this great video: http://www.openculture.com/2009/12/s...epression.html
I'm realizing that how much time I spend reading about psychology makes me wonder if maybe art therapy and ecotherapy is what I want "career" in....This idea of going for a Master's degree has been a love-hate battle in my mind.

[Halo Infinity]

Perhaps it was due to denial or forgetfulness or a combination of the two, but I've noticed that most of my mental and emotional problems started from my inability to let go. I didn't realize it at the time, but my constant desires, temptations, and qualms to always defend myself, retaliate, and fix everything was a clear sign of me refusing and failing to let go and move on. Sometimes it also boiled down to me being guilty of just always wanting to be right, while getting my way. It also had a lot to do with trying to constantly please others and gain their approval, along with some form of popularity without me even fully realizing it at those exact moments.

I was aware that it was okay to not please people, and even be boring, predictable and unpopular though, but sometimes loneliness and poor self-esteem caused me to yearn for constant approval, which was also backed by a lot of anger, fear, and sadness. It's also no wonder why I was deemed to be emotionally disturbed on top of having ADHD from elementary school through high school. It's also no wonder why you'd also have to forgive yourself way before you can even begin to think about forgiving others. Ego and pride can certainly be quite the monstrosities to deal with.

I also thought that it would always help to explain myself, while trying to solve as many problems as I could, but that sometimes makes matters even worse. It certainly helped me improve my filter and made me realize that there are always more things that are better off left unsaid, and that some problems are better off left untouched, and why I should always try to have a healthy and rational balance of silence and speech. I'm still taking it day by day though, but being reminded and learning more about the importance of letting go has left me feeling more relieved and at peace. It's funny how getting away from it all helped me realize that, which is why I was surprised to see how much my opinion of traveling has changed since I was 13-25. There's some tranquil clarity that I can gain from it, aside from learning about different people and places. I've actually experienced that before, but it's been so long since I've experienced such a thing that I forgot that was even possible to start with.

I also didn't realize as to just how much traveling can teach me about myself and life in general, and I stand corrected. It would be nice to master such things, but like other aspects of my life, this awareness has certainly improved that form of personal work in progress.

-Edit-

I'm also still working on my filter. I know it's important sometimes speak up and be assertive and direct, but I still end up going too far without even realizing it. I suppose I've become more inhibited and more silent again, yet still have some lapses of good judgement.

[ophelia_]

I feel like this is probably the best place to ask... I've never been involved with anyone that has been depressed, so I'm finding it really hard to feel useful at the moment. As the "partner" of someone with depression, what can I do to help them?

He is normally really non-communicative and doesn't talk about his feelings much, but after popping a couple of valium that his friend gave him (yes, I want to kill his friend) last night, he was really chatty and talking about how he didn't give a fuck about life and didn't care that he was depressed... I just don't know how to react when he tells me how much he hates his life and that I shouldn't worry about him.

I have major issues with being emotionally self-destructive and thinking that everyone elses feelings are somehow related to me - so logically, I know that I am not the cause of his unhappiness but how do I stop my brain from doing that whole "well, you should be making him happy but you're not"... I know that his depression isn't a reflection on me, but I also don't know the best way to help him with it... If that makes sense. Plz halp.

[Sarah K]

Just keep offering support. You have to be persistent. Often times, they will push away any support that is offered to them. Keep reiterating that you're there to listen, or to just be present. Encourage them to seek professional assistance, and offer to go with them when they make an appointment.

It's honestly exhausting at times. Lots of mental work with little and sometimes no appreciation. But just remind yourself that it is an illness. Any shitty things they say aren't really how they feel.

[Swykk]

I feel like I got several negative statuses cast on me like straight out of Final Fantasy VII.

[Charmingly Miserable]

I've been so depressed these past few weeks. I'm out on summer vacation and school is over. Basically that means I'm at home with nothing to do. I'm extremely lonely and feeling highly doubtful that I will get a good job with my degree. Plus, being single is really compounding the whole thing. It sucks hard.

[Swykk]

I feel you on that one for sure.
My depression and anxiety have had me sick the last 3-4 days. Had to go to urgent care.
I hate being alone but when I'm like this it's so much worse.

[Sarah K]

I will cuddle both of youuuuu.

[Sarah K]

Also, trying to reign in my fucking binge eating disorder.

I go through these cycles where I'm like FUCK IT and eat everything. I've been doing that the last couple of weeks. Now I've swung the other way where I probably under-eat and obsess about every calorie that I consume.

I wish I could find a middle ground. My relationship with food will forever be toxic.

[Charmingly Miserable]

Also, trying to reign in my fucking binge eating disorder.

I go through these cycles where I'm like FUCK IT and eat everything. I've been doing that the last couple of weeks. Now I've swung the other way where I probably under-eat and obsess about every calorie that I consume.

I wish I could find a middle ground. My relationship with food will forever be toxic.

Holy fucking shit. Me too. I'll fantasize about food just as much as sex. I can't find happy medium between my under and over eating habits either.

[Sarah K]

Holy fucking shit. Me too. I'll fantasize about food just as much as sex. I can't find happy medium between my under and over eating habits either.

There is a definite link between the two for me. When I have a partner and I'm having steady sex, I don't fucking obsess over food. When I don't have sex for extended periods of time(I've lost count how many weeks now... 8? 9?), I can't stop thinking about food. Fuck if I know what the connection actually is. Maybe it's just a case of addiction is never cured, it just shifts around. I just always need something to be consumed with. And those two things are either sex or food.

[Swykk]

Guess who else daydreams about food and is an ice cream junkie? I probably think about food more than sex because I know I will actually get food

Another fun fact: Every October my blood turns into Dairy Queen Pumpkin Pie blizzard. One of the many reasons I love Fall.

[nvr_mind]

I just recently got diagnosed with fucking epilepsy and is about to get medically discharged from the Navy. It was hard for my ego to except but now I'm cool with it I think.

[Sarah K]

Another fun fact: Every October my blood turns into Dairy Queen Pumpkin Pie blizzard. One of the many reasons I love Fall.

Oh my god. Talk dirty to me. Hah... I've never had that, but pumpkin EVERYTHING ELSE.

[Joy Prevention Hotline]

I think I've got the energy now for the 2+ hour drive to the Mansfield show (even though it means capitulating to my nemesis, Nortriptyline).

I also need enough Prozac to keep me from turning into a cornered animal behind the wheel … but not so much that it saps all my hard-won energy. Not sure how much is too much yet.

[Charmingly Miserable]

There is a definite link between the two for me.

I don't think that there is any correlation between the two with me. However, I get your point. It's about addiction.

I just recently got diagnosed with fucking epilepsy and is about to get medically discharged from the Navy. It was hard for my ego to except but now I'm cool with it I think.

Sorry.

[Charmingly Miserable]

Ok. So today is my birthday and so far I have done nothing but cry. This summer has been the worst for me. I don't have that many friends, no relationship to boast about and my therapist is ignoring me. I'm on summer vacation which makes it even more difficult for me because I'm not working. I have no motivation to do anything even though I know I should start working out. I'm so lonely and depressed. I can't stop crying.

[jessamineny]

I feel for you. I really do. It doesn't mean much, but :::all the hugs:::

[Sarah K]

Ok. So today is my birthday and so far I have done nothing but cry. This summer has been the worst for me. I don't have that many friends, no relationship to boast about and my therapist is ignoring me. I'm on summer vacation which makes it even more difficult for me because I'm not working. I have no motivation to do anything even though I know I should start working out. I'm so lonely and depressed. I can't stop crying.

We should be long distance work out buddies.

I'm trying to make an appointment with a GP so that I can get a referral for a psychiatrist. I've felt shitty for like a month. I thought I was just stressed about my grandma and moving and etc, but I'm still feeling shitty, and just having NO motivation. I'm just trying to avoid falling back into the full on depression cycle. I want an opinion on if I should go back on medication for a while or what the fuck is going on.

Anyway, let's motivate each other to work out.

<3

[AgentofChaos]

What is your favourite thing to do on the planet? Go and do that. Tomorrow will be better.

You could also focus on a bunch of people that have it worse than you in life. That could make you feel better? When you realize how far from the bottom you are on the getting the shaft in life scale, the little things like not knowing what to do with your vacation might seem not as bad.

[Sarah K]

Yeah, that's good advice for someone just going through a rough day or week. But that doesn't work for clinical disorders.

[Charmingly Miserable]

I hear you. I don't want to fall back into a full blown depression either. I know that this is temporary but it's so easy to fall back into a depression and much more difficult to get out of. I hope you will be able to see a psychiatrist. I'm not really into meds but if that's what's gonna help you, by all means do so. <3

[Swykk]

Thinking about people who "have it worse" just makes it worse for me. Then I feel shitty for feeling shitty. It's akin to telling a person with anxiety to calm down or tell a depressed person to just get a helmet.
I look at all problems for me and mine as equal ground. Whatever is hurting you is the same as what's eating me. To degrade another's issue isn't how I do things.
i could be wrong.