The Mental Health thread - depression, bipolar, ADHD, you name it

[Baphomette]

I went to see the doctor last week (tuesday) with the primary goal of getting myself on some pills that could help with depression. It's just kind of getting out of hand. He says that we should start up on some medication, but he doesn't want to quickly just prescribe something too hastily... so I'm going in again next tuesday.

This just sucks, and I really hope I get the scrip for something that works on tuesday... because even then, it's probably going to take a week or something before I get any results.

I'm glad you're getting help, Jinsai, and it sounds like you've got a really good doctor since he didn't immediately put you on a med. Most psychiatrists also don't spend time talking to their patients, so that's a VERY good sign that's he's taking the time to do it. Psychiatrists who prescribe without observing are dangerous.

A lot of the older SSRIs take about a month to start working. Wellbutrin kicks in sooner (I'm definitely not a fan of that particular med altho' I know it's helped others in here) as does Neurontin. It really varies.

Hang in there, friend.

[Jinsai]

A lot of the older SSRIs take about a month to start working. Wellbutrin kicks in sooner (I'm definitely not a fan of that particular med altho' I know it's helped others in here) as does Neurontin. It really varies.

I tried Welbutrin a while back... it didn't really do anything for me.

[elevenism]

@Jinsai , what antidepressants have you tried before?
i've been on a LOT of them.

everyone's brain chemistry is a little different.

i have had the most luck with celexa/lexapro. (ive tried prozac, zoloft, paxil, wellbutrin.)


my wife SWEARS by effexor, and she's a different person when she isn;t on it

[Baphomette]

I tried Welbutrin a while back... it didn't really do anything for me.

Make sure you tell that to your doctor.

Prozac/Celexa/Lexapro/Paxil/Zoloft are all in the same family - SSRIs. Prozac takes the longest to start working (about a month). If your doctor feels you're suffering from regular depression rather than major depression disorder and prefers to work within that family of SSRIs, he'll most likely put you on Celexa. Otherwise, he'll prescribe one of the others. The SSRIs have a lot of side effects so make sure to ask him about them; it may be worth it to put up with them in order to feel better. (The sexual side effects can completely wipe out your libido and/or make it impossible for you to get hard so MAKE SURE you get a very detailed lowdown on any med that causes "sexual dysfunction" [as they like to call it].) The same goes for SNRIs or any other type of AD.

Obviously, everyone is going to have different reactions to drugs but I would STRONGLY recommend you stay the fuck away from Effexor and Paxil. They both have the worst withdrawal symptoms and the longest withdrawal periods of any AD. THEY ARE NOT GOOD DRUGS. (I don't care what @elevenism says. ) Paxil, in particular, has had the most number of lawsuits and GlaxoSmithKline has had to pay out millions in almost all of them.

Again, good luck and keep us posted.

[allegro]

Obviously, everyone is going to have different reactions to drugs but I would STRONGLY recommend you stay the fuck away from Effexor and Paxil. They both have the worst withdrawal symptoms and the longest withdrawal periods of any AD. THEY ARE NOT GOOD DRUGS. (I don't care what @elevenism says. ) Paxil, in particular, has had the most number of lawsuits and GlaxoSmithKline has had to pay out millions in almost all of them. .

I actually fired my former primary care physician for insisting that Effexor would "change my life" because he kept insisting that my migraines were due to "Chronic Anxiety" when I actually just had a lot of stress caused by other people. I got a neurologist, and found out the estrogen pill I was on was skyrocketing my migraines and hormone levels especially since I'm perimenopausal and my hormonal levels are like a roller coaster, a big migraine trigger. I read the withdrawal symptoms of Effexor (and the symptoms of Chronic Anxiety, which I definitely DON'T have) and found another primary doctor, stat. Plus, the side effects of Effexor included more headaches. Wtf. You really have to do your homework with this shit. So now the neurologist has me on Topamax and no estrogen and definitely no unnecessary Effexor.

[Jinsai]

I've heard some horror stories from people about Effexor. I'm not planning on trying that one out.

[elevenism]

oh yeah yeah @Miss Baphomette , @Jinsai , @allegro .... i'm not saying the Effexor is GOOD. i should have put a disclaimer on that shit.
remember when me and my wife came REALLY close to not being ....ummm....even friends? before we got married?
THAT shit was ostensibly due to her effexor withdrawal.

it does work for some people, and in an amazing way, but god forbid she run out of it.

My sister in law's dad nearly killed himself from the withdrawals and so did my homeboy alex.

sorry. i should have mentioned that.

[marodi]

it does work for some people, and in an amazing way, but god forbid she run out of it.

I've been taking Effexor for over a decade now and it works wonderfully for me.

However I must agree about the withdrawal. I've never had a full withdrawal effect from it but I can testify that even missing one dose is enough to make me really sick and I mean physically sick: cold sweats, vomiting and most of all the brain zaps. Brain zaps are AWFUL.

When I had bariatric surgery in 2011, I told the doctors that on the day on the surgery, they could cut all of my meds if they wanted to but NOT the Effexor. They never argued.

[elevenism]

@marodi my wifey had the "brain zaps" and electric teeth and such :/

[allegro]

Now I'm even more pissed that my former doctor prescribed that shit. I filled the Rx and everything! G and I thought, wait, this makes zero sense. Thank God I didn't listen. This same doc gave me a Xanax Rx before that! He's like The Candy Man. All I really needed was a specialist, some melatonin and meditation. And to take control of my stress and draw boundaries.

I realize that people really do need these drugs, but be careful about docs just doling this shit out when they're not qualified.

[Baphomette]

Oh JFC - the brain zaps. I can't think of a more vile, unnerving sensation. For those of you who've never experienced them, imagine feeling your brain shiver any time you turn your head. It's making my skin crawl just writing about them.

When I started going to my current clinic, I connected immediately with a particular attending doctor and began requesting him every visit (something I later found out most patients don't do). So, although residents rotate out every eight months, my attending remains the same and I trust his judgement (in regards to my treatment) implicitly. When I had a SERIOUS clash of opinion with my most recent resident, my attending stood by my decision to "fire" the shitbag even though it caused some tension with the director of the clinic. The man is the most ethical, compassionate doctor I've ever met and I honestly don't know where I'd be if I hadn't met him.

I realize that people really do need these drugs, but be careful about docs just doling this shit out when they're not qualified.

The thought of the shitbag resident practicing medicine is FRIGHTENING. He shouldn't be working in the mental health field as he has the potential to cause serious harm to people who don't advocate for themselves. It really sucks that there seems to be more doctors like him than good ones. So, damn straight, @allegro - BE CAREFUL when it comes to psych meds and do not hesitate to ask questions, disagree or get a second opinion.

[allegro]

The thought of the shitbag resident practicing medicine is FRIGHTENING. He shouldn't be working in the mental health field as he has the potential to cause serious harm to people who don't advocate for themselves. It really sucks that there seems to be more doctors like him than good ones. So, damn straight, @allegro - BE CAREFUL when it comes to psych meds and do not hesitate to ask questions, disagree or get a second opinion.

Or, worse yet, my doctor was an INTERNIST, not in the mental health field at all. I went in for a sore throat from allergies and he starts "discussing things" and asking questions and then I'm walking out with an Effexor Rx when I had allergies and migraines. He tried convincing me that "stress" is the same as "anxiety." It's not. People go through periods of a lot of stress; caring for aging parents, job changes, all kinds of things, and sometimes they all happen at once and, yeah, sometimes that CAN affect things like allergies and migraines ... BUT NOT IF YOU ARE ME AND HAVE JUGGLED THIS STRESS YOUR WHOLE LIFE, and the better response is stress management, boundaries, assistance from spouse, a spa day, exercise, meditation, not an incorrect shit diagnosis and a drug that I'll never get off of without horrible symptoms that I didn't need. And it scares me how many more people out there take this shit via Internists when they don't need it.

When I ended up at my neurologist's office - he is AWESOME, is affiliated with the Mayo Clinic, and is a Godsend to me - he asked who I'd been seeing for migraines before that: Internists, the last one of whom (after Dr Effexor) agreed that I should seek a neurologist because he didn't even think my headaches were migraines* and he was giving me mild and useless muscle relaxers for tension headaches because my migraines always start in my neck and move into my eye. My neurologist said that's how it usually is: patients finally end up at a neurologist's office after exhausting all other efforts. Ugh. And the tests he administered indicated I absolutely have migraines without auras and he is treating them with drugs that are actually working and he keeps me off any drugs that could spike my migraines.

* Never mind that my maternal grandmother and grandfather had migraines, my mother had migraines since she was SIX, my late uncle (mom's brother) had migraines, my late little brother had CLUSTER HEADACHES (people have been known to commit suicide while experiencing cluster headaches), and heredity is a HUGE factor with migraines, and all of my symptoms pointed to migraines except I was no longer vomiting while having headaches (that stopped while in my 30s).

[elevenism]

@allegro , @marodi , @Miss Baphomette ,i think that it's a good thing that this topic came up here.

you DO have to be very careful.

i was once prescribed an anti psychotic that had like a 2 or 3% chance of giving me "rabbit syndrome," according to my research. i didn't take that shit! i also steer clear of these meds that have a risk of dyskinesia .

Now suboxone is an extreme example, because it's not just just due to ineptitude. They way that it used to go down in dallas was actually SINISTER. I don't know if they do this still but lemme tell y'all this story.

For those who don't know, suboxone is kind of like methadone. it is an INSANELY powerful opioid used mostly in replacement therapy for things like heroin. It's very addictive and has TERRIBLE withdrawals...like heroin, but slower.

I was going through a really bad stretch with alcoholism and was at the county detox in dallas for my fourth time in one year. the doctor there knew that i SOMETIMES took vicodin, maybe like once a month. she kept insisting that i needed to try suboxone. i resisted, but on the 4th visit, i finally said fuck it.

They prescribed me 16mg. From what i know now, FOUR mg is enough to hold down just about any junkie. They also DID NOT explain to me that i was getting on an insanely addictive drug.

i started taking the drug and i thought they must have made a mistake! i was SOOOOOOOO high. i felt SOOOOOOO good. i was nodding out and shit. keep in mind, i was in fucking REHAB.

i was ready to go home after about 3 weeks, and the doctor took me aside and gave me a pitch. a sales pitch. i swear to god.
she said "you're body has been getting used to this medicine for 3 weeks. now you can either go home and go through withdrawals and feel really bad, or come see me and keep getting it for $100 a month. And other places are charging 3 or 4 hundred! Surely you can see what a great value this is!"

So i opted to stay on the drug. 100 a month for the office visit and FOURTEEN dollars A DAY for the meds.

and all along, the doctor kept talking about the pills like they were harmless.
i will admit, it was a wonder drug for me. i actually quit drinking and doing drugs and had the best, most productive 2 years of my life.

the shock came when i tried to get off of it. it was the worst i've ever felt in my life.
and also, keep in mind that the drug was not approved to treat alcoholism.
the withdrawals on this shit...emotionally, you wanna kill yourself. you vomit and shit and shake and sweat and it goes on for a freaking MONTH or two.

after more research, i found out that only drs who take special "training" can prescribe this drug. and part of their "training" is to NEVER allow the drug to be filled with a generic. Using this method, they keep their patent and keep charging people ridiculous prices.

So the bottom line is that the COUNTY REHAB in dallas was getting people addicted to an opiate that's like 70 or 80 times stronger than morphine, severely over-prescribing it, and getting people on it who don't need it. half the people there were on it. it was like the freaking goal or something.
That place is homeward bound in dallas. there is another place in dallas called solace that does pretty much the same shit, and they JUST serve suboxone. it's an "outpatient detox." you go up there and they give it to you every day for two weeks, then a 1 month prescription followed by a sales pitch. and they give you NO instructions to taper.

Who knows what kind of kickbacks go where? I'm SURE the doc and the clinic MUST get money from the pharma company. why else would they be so hellbent on getting people on it?
i would imagine that the corruption on this drug goes all the way to the top of the company and all the way back to its inception.

[allegro]

Who knows what kind of kickbacks go where? I'm SURE the doc and the clinic MUST get money from the pharma company. why else would they be so hellbent on getting people on it? i would imagine that the corruption on this drug goes all the way to the top of the company and all the way back to its inception.

Oh, I am CONVINCED there are kickbacks, absolutely, gotta be. I've had plenty of those "sales pitches" in my lifetime, I know exactly what you mean. And they give me shit when I say "no thanks" like I'm some kind of Hippy going for the "herbals." Dr. Effexor accused me of that, "Oh, you want the HERBALS." Yeah, why not go for Integrative Medicine and natural healing methods instead of all that chemical shit if it works? Our ancestors never had all these fucking chemical problems. There is ancient Chinese medicine that still works. There are so many chemicals and crap in our food and environment, is it any wonder? (Note that you obviously have to be careful with herbals, too; some are not very safe.)

I fully understand the benefit of drugs in certain circumstances (I'm on Topamax and Sumatriptan), but this country is overdrugged; statins, diabetes meds, all kinds of shit, when a healthy diet and cutting out the SHIT we eat would be a better idea. We know a surgical RN who worked for Pfiser doing sales pitches for Viagra on the side and had a TRUNKLOAD of free Viagra samples and he was the most popular guy in town (lots of his friends who didn't NEED Viagra liked to do it to be porn stars) for a long time. So the docs must have been getting kickbacks for prescribing it? Who knows.

One of my mom's docs told us that a lot of drug companies change the formula of the drug just before the drug's patent is up, so that the drug will never ever become generic. Inhalers are notorious for this; they're REALLY expensive, and there are no generics. My mom's doc actually suggested that she get it from Mexico to save money.

[DigitalChaos]

@allegro - your story reminds me a lot of what happened with my wife a year or so back. She suddenly started having episodes where her blood pressure would skyrocket to insane levels. We are talking close to doubling the pressure at time. Lots of visits to the ER and various specialists. They were shotgunning all kinds of meds at her. Eventually they resorted to prozac. wtf? The Dr explained it as being a potentially anxiety induced problem, which pissed us off, cause it obviously wasn't. But it seems prozac (and similar) have influence outside of purely mental/emotional systems. The wonders of psych medicine where we don't really understand how it all works...

Anyway, she was on it for a few months before tapering off. The problem went away during the prozac use, but there is no way to know if the prozac actually fixed the issue and the root cause is still unknown.

[DigitalChaos]

didn't realize it until after I posted, but itunes shuffle decided to play this while I was posting in this thread
everyone in this thread may enjoy it. The wonders of a psychology & sociology double major who decided to rap instead...

[allegro]

@DigitalChaos , they always seem to be LAZY and point to the low-hanging-fruit anxiety answer. But my OB/GYN at least did blood tests and found out some things going on that were spiking my migraines, something Dr. Effexor or his replacement never did. Same with blood pressure spikes, which a quick Google search told me can be caused by thyroid imbalances, etc. My mom started hypertension meds just after giving birth to my little brother when she was in her mid-20s; she was slim and in great health but it was all heriditary. She's been on the drugs ever since. G's blood pressure was spiking for a while and the Flight Surgeon told him to cut out his pretzel addiction, too much sodium. His bp went way down.

But even if your wife's bp spikes were due to increased STRESS, treating it with Prozac is "off label."

[DigitalChaos]

^the lazy and poorly educated (or just behind the times) ones really piss me off. I can usually spot them after simply chatting with them for a bit and drilling into their approach with some questions. There is definitely a huge pressure from most patients to get a pill. The lazy ones tend to fall into that trap and just hand shit out because it is easier than fighting most patients. You also have the overworked ones or the ones with a schedule too tightly packed. They end up having to rush through each patient and are unable to properly dive into the appropriate level of care someone needs. (this is continuing to get worse)

We were definitely into off label territory there.


Now I need to figure out my own bullshit that started back then. Pretending it doesn't exist has had... marginal, at best, results so far. But fuck dealing with the pros who don't really understand what they are doing to begin with.

[implanted_microchip]

My self harm's gotten a lot worse since I first mentioned it here. I cut in seven different places today. I don't really want to stop but I know I should and don't know how to make myself want to. I don't really care a whole lot about myself and don't really know how to. I don't think I've ever quite hit this point. I don't really know what to do. I don't really care. I don't want to do really anything. I resent people for caring about me because they're why I can't just kill myself and give up, like they're forcing me to feel this way even though I know that's not it. Everyone I know loves telling me how young I am and how much more there is for me and while it's supposed to sound like a promise it just feels like a threat or a prison sentence. I don't really get why I'm posting here because I know the usual routine is just everyone saying "see a psychiatrist and get meds" but I guess I feel like hearing it again because here I am. I really don't know who to talk to about anything. It doesn't really help doing it. None of my very few friends offer any remotely useful advice. I don't really get much out of talking anymore. I don't really get much out of anything. People act like the cure for loneliness and depression is other people but it's not when I'm by myself that I'm at my worst, it's when I'm in the backseats of cars with people sitting right beside me and in front of me and in rooms full of people or talking to a friend that I really feel the loneliest because I just feel so fucking detached from everyone. I feel constantly separate. I don't really like anyone around me anymore. I find it hard to care or stay interested at all. I find it hard to want to. I don't really have the desire for improvement anymore. I used to. I always did. I don't know what happened.

[Swykk]

I understand those feelings @kleiner352. I've been trying to beat this without meds because I already take so many medications due to old health problems. And plus, lest we forget, those goddamn side effects all of these antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds seem to have!
I'm seeing a therapist who is trying to teach me about meditation but we never get to do that much since I always have so many things to talk about. I'm doing yoga and elliptical for exercise. I even had a girlfriend for a couple months there. Despite those positives (even though I do not have said girlfriend anymore), I feel very far away from everyone else. I don't remember how to meet new people or talk to them. I hate being alone because that's when my anxiety and depression like to really fuck me up.
The good things I get to do are fleeting. They're gone fast.
And as for the causes? I know what made me feel like this but knowing doesn't really help me. I know that's not comforting. I don't know if this is better or worse than you not knowing what made you like this.

[elevenism]

Goddamnit.
You fuckers.
Nobody is killing themselves. @kleiner352 hit me up on facebook please, so we can chat. @Swykk , you too if you like. https://www.facebook.com/Crosscontamination1111

just so you know, i've been "gonna kill myself" plenty of times. i'm not looking to judge you. kleiner, i used to cut. i started stretching my ears instead. lobes, inner conches, also septum. you get that pain AND you accomplish something, AND it looks cool!

i've got really bad ass scars from slitting my wrists. i tried to jump in front of a commuter train. i ate a whole bottle of beta blockers.

sometimes it helps to shoot the shit with someone who has been there a whole lot.

i have A LOT of extra time on my hands.

my depression got better when my wife almost died. that's what it took for me (in the recent anyway)

Anyway... what i came here to say was that i had a really fucked up manic phase that scared the HELL out of me.
i stayed awake for 90 hours :/
it was when i was all freaked out about my wife's hep c.

[halloween]

I can't say I'm in the same place as you are, but I was in a pretty terrible self-mutilation, suicidal headspace in my teenage years. Not sure this could help you but it's been what helps me recently, when I'm haunted by feelings of exhaustion and depression: You need to let your future self have a chance. You might not care a whole lot about yourself now, but think about 10 years down the line, there may be an awesome person that will come out from this mess but you should let that person have a chance. It's hard to think of yourself as ever being anything different or ever feeling anything different but as hard and painful as it is right now, just live it and let yourself go through time, inevitably everyone grows and one day I hope you will find a sliver of joy in something and ultimately in yourself. It will be fleeting but if you understand that and accept it's fleeting nature perhaps you won't despair as much when it goes away. You may have no hope now but try to really hang on there and maybe you'll discover hope in the future. I've managed to get to a point where my suicidal thoughts are the fleeting moments now. I don't take any medication except for my thyroid. I meditate though and do moderate exercise. There are different methods of meditating and you need to be careful as it can cause more pain in the beginning than good if you ever decide to try it out. I remember having panic attacks after trying to meditate for a while. I do think seeing a therapist is extremely useful but it is hard to find a good therapist- I went through quite a few and there were only two that I can say really helped me out. Therapists are people and you can't always connect with just anyone, especially in such an intimate way. Each therapist comes in with their bias on what the solution may be depending on what school they went too, what experiences they've had, etc. I had a counselor in college that would grossly misinterpret what I'd say and I would patiently have to correct him, which was fine since it was just a college environment, counselor's helping students deal with stress mostly. But anyways.... I think I've said all I can here.

[playwithfire]

Gaaah, I'm not in a good place.

Woke up yesterday with high anxiety, got stuck in an OCD adventure in the bathroom as frequently happens, was a little late to work, but fine, doing fine, yeah.

Chatting with boyfriend, we haven't seen each other much lately, and I accidentally freaked him out (this can be very easy to do sometimes and it isn't super fair, it's not really anyone's fault and it just sucks) but I'm still okay.

We're trying to make plans to see each other, he's not really offering good suggestions, I'm trying to pick something, but I need a place with more than one bathroom (because I take a while in the bathroom and people knocking on the door really gets to me) and then I'm really sad and overwhelmed and not fine. Go take forever in the bathroom and cry and things, go home from work a tad earlier than I would otherwise. Take a nap. So sad and overwhelmed and even the idea of going to the bathroom is way too much for me to handle. Slept a lot.

Woke up today still feeling pretty no-spoons and shitty, but I'm not breaking down, so that's good. Accidentally offend coworker after saying something very benign, apologize. Can't handle someone being unhappy with me. Can't handle lyfe. Can't be a human. Want to just post in an endless stream on social media bout how miserable I am but have already done that enough.

Have therapy today, have no idea if it'll help. Just sad. So much

[elevenism]

@kleiner352 where you at, man?

listen to what @halloween said.
@playwithfire , i hope things smooth out for you soon :/
but be proud that you ARENT breaking down! you ARE handling life.

[aggroculture]

I can relate to bathroom issues: I hate going places that have bathrooms I can't use. If there's one stall or one bathroom, and people waiting, or the very possibility of people waiting: can't go. If there are two stalls and somebody in one of them: can't go. If there are three stalls, or a bathroom with an "occupied" sign on the outside so no-one will try to barge in: now we're getting somewhere. The bathroom situation can quickly become a nightmare because on top of being pee-shy (paruresis) I also have overactive bladder (OAB). I was at a conference last week, in a dorm: there was one tiny bathroom for hundreds of people, so I couldn't use it. I was searching the dorm for another one, but there wasn't, because the bathrooms were inside the rooms. I had to hold it in, but sometimes it gets painful and I get super-flustered. Being able to do my business in peace is not so easy outside of the house.

Don't even get me started on dried blood, and random unidentified substances everywhere, in and out of bathrooms.

[implanted_microchip]

Thanks to everyone for your support/advice. @elevenism friend request is sent man. I really appreciate it.

@Swykk interestingly enough my depression and anxiety is extrapolated from social situations, I'm actually much more content whenever I'm alone yet around people have those feelings much harder. I think I get this general sense of pressure to be "always on" and more manic in a sense, so I get very stressed and anxious and ultimately disaffected from that. I'm typically known as the very funny, conversational, intelligent person who can make everyone laugh and lead conversation very well and yet I'm really very introverted so it's like I'm always living up to this standard that I find somewhat uncomfortable. In one on one scenarios I'm fine, and just able to feel much more casual and relaxed, but add one or two more people and I instantly get very uncomfortable. I find that being around people can make me just feel much more aware of how disconnected I tend to emotionally feel. Like I'm there physically and can talk and listen and engage but mentally and internally I'm someplace else. I just feel like I'm very far away when I'm right next to people, whereas if I'm at home by myself I'm totally fine.

Another part of my social anxiety, I think, stems from weight issues. I've lost a lot of weight in the past two months now and in general over the past year and have struggled with that most of my life. So when you're a fat person, especially when you're younger throughout school, you just get so used to a constant feeling of visual scrutiny and judgment, of people looking at you differently and thinking lesser of you. There's a lot of general negativity thrown at you for being overweight. Now that I'm much more healthy (I still have a way to go before I'm both at a target weight and comfortable with myself though) and I look better in general, that's not really there anymore, but I'm so used to it. I actually get hit on and get compliments a lot lately whenever I go out, yet I'm so used to the exact opposite that it's very difficult to let my guard down. I'm constantly over-analyzing looks and expressions, body language, phrases, etc. When people hit on me I have a hard time not thinking they're just being cruel and pretending. I have a hard time taking compliments as anything but consolatory. Having your body size and attractiveness improve dramatically is just very disorienting and I almost find it harder socially than when I was just really fat and the only attention I had was negative, because at least I didn't misread things.

I know that my very long-term girlfriend leaving and completely cutting me off was a big catalyst for a lot of this, but I was already having a lot of problems with my depression and anxiety in general beforehand. I definitely think it contributed to her inevitable exhaustion with being with me. It was more of a "straw that broke the camel's back" event than a single, sole cause for things if that makes sense. When we took something of a break last year I know I really broke down and initially when she left for good this year I felt that I would be better and handle it well. I think I was overconfident and it's resulted in me having a much harder time than I did last year. Last year, there was a real knowledge and sense that things would get better and we'd be together again, whereas now I know that's just not an option at all. For a lot of reasons. Even when we were separated for a bit she tried to be there for me emotionally as a friend and this time around, she's totally severed contact. It was that kind of a relationship where they're not just your partner but they're your best friend and so it's like I've lost both at once and can't receive comfort from either. I guess I had a sort of period of emotional shock the first couple of weeks after she moved out, and then it's just sort of been coming in waves ever since and I've been realizing just how impacted I am by this. There's a lot of pressure from people around me in my life to just be okay and get over it, and because we had a brief separation last year most of my friends just are tired and don't honestly care, they saw it coming more or less? There's just a lot less sympathy this time around. I'm much more alone in my personal life in handling things than I ever was last year.

[marodi]

Another part of my social anxiety, I think, stems from weight issues. I've lost a lot of weight in the past two months now and in general over the past year and have struggled with that most of my life. So when you're a fat person, especially when you're younger throughout school, you just get so used to a constant feeling of visual scrutiny and judgment, of people looking at you differently and thinking lesser of you. There's a lot of general negativity thrown at you for being overweight. Now that I'm much more healthy (I still have a way to go before I'm both at a target weight and comfortable with myself though) and I look better in general, that's not really there anymore, but I'm so used to it. I actually get hit on and get compliments a lot lately whenever I go out, yet I'm so used to the exact opposite that it's very difficult to let my guard down. I'm constantly over-analyzing looks and expressions, body language, phrases, etc. When people hit on me I have a hard time not thinking they're just being cruel and pretending. I have a hard time taking compliments as anything but consolatory. Having your body size and attractiveness improve dramatically is just very disorienting and I almost find it harder socially than when I was just really fat and the only attention I had was negative, because at least I didn't misread things.

Hey you, what are you doing in my head?

Kidding; trying to make you smile.

But seriously: I understand exactly what you are telling. I don't know if you've happened upon one of the posts where I talked about this but here's the short version: in 2011 I've had bariatric surgery and since, I've lost over 150 pounds. I've been feeling what you wrote about ever since.

I don't know if you have figured out why we have those feelings yet but I have: the simple answer is that in our heads, we're still fat. While there is tons of support for the physical part of losing weight, there'S next to none about the mental impact it will have on us. I still have all of my "fat person" habits: I take larger than I need to go around things, I push down on the arms of a chair when I get up (to prevent it from getting stuck to my fat ass), I still look to buy clothes near the sizes I used to etc. And then, there's everything you wrote about.

So you are not alone in this (and in the other problems you mentioned and which I have too). You're my long lost twin brother!

Hang in there my friend; same for you @elevenism and @playwithfire, @halloween, @Swykk and @aggroculture.

I don't know how exactly but we will make it.

[Swykk]

I feel the body issues too. I was picked on for being both too small as a younger kid and then I hit puberty and found the other side of the hate spectrum. I've been heavy since. I did lose 30 pounds recently but have struggled with the remaining weight I want to lose. I must confess I think it'll matter very little though...I think the person I see in the mirror is not the person everyone else sees.

[Joy Prevention Hotline]

I bought an exercise bike. In my mind it's not on topic for this thread, but I'm always hearing that exercise is good for your mental health, blah blah blah. (We'll see how that works out for me.)

It's still very early days and I'm lucky if I last more than 15 minutes, but I never would have got to this point without straightening my head out. So I guess mental health is good for exercise?

[Ryan]

I bought an exercise bike. In my mind it's not on topic for this thread, but I'm always hearing that exercise is good for your mental health, blah blah blah. (We'll see how that works out for me.)

It's still very early days and I'm lucky if I last more than 15 minutes, but I never would have got to this point without straightening my head out. So I guess mental health is good for exercise?

Read Stationary Bike by Stephen King and you'll change your mind probably.