I waited until I was home and able to gather my thoughts to write a bit about this experience but for starters: what a fucking show. Just, seriously. What a show.

Panorama had a special edge with it being my first time on the rail for NIN and being surrounded by other diehards and ETSers the whole time, but as far as the actual performance goes, this band just keeps getting better and better. They're in their absolute prime right now. Trent is practically on fire, and his voice sounds better than it maybe ever has live -- able to bounce between dynamics regularly and without sounding like it takes too much strain. I was on the rail immediately in front of Atticus after spending the whole day in the sun and it was beyond worth it -- people complained about his stage presence in the past, but being right there, if there were ever any problems, I think he's gotten past them -- he was into it, moving along and looking totally engrossed in his work. To get a perfect view of he and Ilan after having one of Robin and Ally in New York felt like a nice balance.

It was quite possibly the hottest pit I've ever been in. There was't even space to jump around to songs because the weight of everybody behind you was too intense, too crushing and too limiting for space. Hands were constantly trying to pry mine off of the rail and feet were regularly on top of mine. It felt odd to not be bouncing to March of the Pigs and yet only added to the sense of immediate craziness. I had to selectively measure out which songs I'd scream along to and which I'd lay it back to get some air, and for the first time in my life I really considered getting further back to be able to breathe a bit -- when it seemed like we were getting the same set as NYC, I told myself I'd wait until after Burning Bright and Reptile and back away, and then I told myself I'd wait until after the encore started to see if we were getting anything like She's Gone Away, and then The Background World started and I suddenly did not care about my body having regular access to breathable air at all.

And dear fucking god, The Background World. It's my favorite Add Violence song and it blew my mind to see it debuted. It's the first time I've ever seen them bust a song out for a debut and it was an amazing one to get to see -- it sounded absolutely fantastic, and the progressive build up was so powerful. I wasn't around as many people singing along as I was at Panorama but there were a cluster of totally hardcore fans behind me and all of them sang the "We will not get away" and "Are you sure, this is what you want?" parts. It was just gorgeous. In the most densely packed, no room to breathe pit of my life I had chills and tears in my eyes. The Bowie cover is a perfect thing of poignant beauty, I finally enjoyed 1,000,000 live and get the hype (what a difference not being in a plastic seat makes) and Burning Bright continues to be a new strong contender for my favorite song live. Both shows I have thrown my voice out from screaming it and both shows I've been happy to have that damage.

This was the first time where I didn't know the set 100 percent in advance and it really added to the feeling for me -- Background World and 1,000,000 added in made me feel like anything could happen, and even things like THTF had a fun sense of urgency and strength. When the encore happened I knew I'd made the right choice to not breathe for an hour and a half -- Somewhat Damaged could be in every setlist and I would never complain. I knew it was in the realm of possibility, but to have it go right into TDTWWA and follow the album tracklisting, dear god -- what a moment. I cried while smiling throughout the entire "na na NAAA" ending. There was just something about it -- the happiness of being right there, seeing my favorite band in the world, of knowing the trip I'd made for it was worth it, of hearing that song, of feeling Ilan's drums kicking into my chest, the beauty of the music, the personal and heartwrenching feel of it -- it all blended together into one of the most emotionally overwhelming moments of any concert for me.

Panorama had the best Hurt performance of my life and this crowd was far less willing to give it some reverence and space to breathe and wooed at every quiet moment, but I didn't even care in the afterglow of that encore. Going from the deep-seated catharsis of Somewhat Damaged right after the manic defiant high of HLAH into the raw and wonderful fragility and passion of TDTWWA is something more shows ought to have.

Such a fantastic time, one of the heaviest crowds and shows I've ever seen them do, probably my favorite setlist I've gotten (and if I'm saying that despite Reptile not being present then it really says something, because I am one of the most ardent Reptile live fans around) and that show after the whole day of legendary performances and the record store experience the day before made it into one of the best concert times of my life. I even enjoyed Ministry, a band I've never been big on at all. To see New Order right before NIN felt like I wasn't really awake at all and had fallen into some sort of death dream fantasy camp. Thank you @eversonpoe for inviting me out to Chicago and making me feel at home. The warmth and affection among this fandom is incredible and I always find it so beautiful that a band so mired in the worst in the human experience has led to all of the best of mine.