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Thread: Snow White and the Huntsmen

  1. #1
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    Snow White and the Huntsmen

    I didn't see that this thread was made, so I thought I'd make one as a warning.

    This film:



    IS AWFUL.

    AWFUL. AWFUL. AWFUL.


    It's not even fun and delightful in a whimsical or even dark sort of way. There's such a major problem with the way that they build characterization and the fact the the plotline is horrible, that it just... it was painful. I even like watching films that can be partly bad but have an interesting or somewhat unique story. This falls flat.

    On the other hand, if you want to go watch a film of Kristen Stewart pouting and grunting, then you'll be quite happy with this. Also, if you want to go to watch Chris Hemsworth, he lifts up his shirt ONLY once - so that was a bit of a letdown as well.

    Also, this didn't help:

    charlize-theron-queen-ravenna-snow-white-huntsman-pubilcity-still.jpgRita.jpg

    And her brother in the film (which I can't find a picture of), looks like this guy:

    tim-and-eric-awesome-show-great-job-jennifer-come-here.jpg


    EDIT:

    Sweet Lord. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself, but I twitter searched "Snow White" and beside the obvious horrible grammar mistakes, I SAW THIS:

    "SnowWhite & The Huntsman was pretty good. Def the best acting Kristen Stewart has done. Cool that Marvel let Thor appear too"

    REALLY. REALLY.

    EDIT #2

    Oh my god. This review I just found on rottentomatoes. WOW:

    "
    Snow White will make bank off of the fat, mouth breathing hoggish buttertrolls that are eternal Kristen Stewart fans because of Twilight. Here they get to project their morbid, sweaty, fatroll-filled fantasies onto Chris Hemsworth rather than Robert Pattinson. At least Snow White isn't blatant Mormon propaganda.

    Millions of drool-encrusted mouths will hang open this weekend in a pale imitation of the movie's talentless star, vacuous black holes filled to bursting with Milk Duds and Raisinettes. Countless pancreata will struggle to maintain widespread imbalances in blood sugars, and ovaries everywhere will silently cyst over and cease to function for their gluttonous hosts.

    Repeat viewings are guaranteed, as the simple-minded frantically try to maintain images of Hemsworth on their drive home so that they can reconcile it with their latest fantasies derived from "50 Shades of Grey". As the dull-eyed cows lock themselves away, alone behind bedroom and bathroom doors, their houses full of excessive numbers of cats will not be properly fed or cared for.

    Studio executives, high above the carnage, roll nude in their piles of legal tender and inhale cocaine from the buttocks of high-end escorts. The continuance of their lifestyle is of foremost concern, and drug-addled brains slowly turn to thoughts of profitability and marketing.

    Calls are made. Money changes hands. A sequel to Snow White and the Huntsman is announced. Millions of clitori, laboring under pounds of flesh and fat, quiver in anticipation.

    The death of American cinema. "

    EDIT 3:

    God dammit, I spelled the title wrong. It's 'Huntsman'. 'Huntsman.'
    Last edited by Torgo; 06-02-2012 at 02:20 AM.

  2. #2
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    But can it be worse than the other Snow White film released this year? That was awfulissimo.

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    I have common sense, so I knew well to avoid anything starring that puppet bitch Stewart.

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    Quote Originally Posted by aggroculture View Post
    But can it be worse than the other Snow White film released this year? That was awfulissimo.
    I never saw Mirror Mirror, but I've read reviews that Snow White is WORSE than that film was in terms of plotline.

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    Why would Hollywood feel the need to revisit the Snow White tale is beyond me, especially when it's been done so amazingly in the past. But it's a tv movie so maybe it's not good enough...

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    I laughed during 1/4 of the film--though these were intended "funny" moments.

    The arbitrary horse that she rides off on and accidentally kills is hilariously bad.

    The director of photography, many of the supporting actors, and visual artists did a tremendous job.

    However, Kristen Stewart played Kristen Stewart (albeit this is her strongest performance since Adventureland). My girlfriend eventually broke down laughing too.

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    Stewart is hot i fap to her

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    Who thought that that ending was any sort of a good idea?

    Spoiler: The end of the film scene starts after killing the evil queen with a single, completely wimpy stab to the chest... (and then the Queen crawls away awkwardly and sort of just stares at Kristen Stewart until she dies as Kristen Stewart mutters this incredibly shitty line "You can't have my heart."). Some off character places the crown on her head - crookedly... like this was visibly off the center of her head and tilted... and then everyone starts cheering for her. She makes Kristen Stewart frowny / broody / somewhat triumphant (?) looks around the audience until she spots the Hunstman, who just stares back at her. The camera pans back over to the childhood friend whom they had also TRIED to build some sort of a tenuous love triangle with. In any normal situation, you'd think - "Oh, she's going to choose a paramour" or some shit. NO. NO. That's not what happens. The camera dollies a wide shot of the entire room for about 10 seconds (I cannot stress how long and awful this dolly out was) out of the ceremony hall and the door closes. CREDITS ROLL. I loooooooost it. My boyfriend had to tell me stop laughing as a crowd behind me started clapping. WHY WOULD YOU CLAP?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Torgo View Post
    Who thought that that ending was any sort of a good idea?

    Spoiler: The end of the film scene starts after killing the evil queen with a single, completely wimpy stab to the chest... (and then the Queen crawls away awkwardly and sort of just stares at Kristen Stewart until she dies as Kristen Stewart mutters this incredibly shitty line "You can't have my heart."). Some off character places the crown on her head - crookedly... like this was visibly off the center of her head and tilted... and then everyone starts cheering for her. She makes Kristen Stewart frowny / broody / somewhat triumphant (?) looks around the audience until she spots the Hunstman, who just stares back at her. The camera pans back over to the childhood friend whom they had also TRIED to build some sort of a tenuous love triangle with. In any normal situation, you'd think - "Oh, she's going to choose a paramour" or some shit. NO. NO. That's not what happens. The camera dollies a wide shot of the entire room for about 10 seconds (I cannot stress how long and awful this dolly out was) out of the ceremony hall and the door closes. CREDITS ROLL. I loooooooost it. My boyfriend had to tell me stop laughing as a crowd behind me started clapping. WHY WOULD YOU CLAP?
    Reminds me of "The Chronicles of Riddick" in a way.

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    Ebert gives this 3 1/2 stars.

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    Torgo just convinced me to see this.

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    Wasn't that funny.

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    I enjoyed seeing Atticus Ross's sister in the beginning. I liked Bob Hoskins, too, and the visuals in general. Maybe Rupert Sanders should stick to lighting Trent Reznor on fire in music videos? I don't know. Seems like - given a better script and maybe a better cast - he could do good work in the future. Though I did find Kristen Stewart quite attractive as Snow.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Deadpool View Post
    I enjoyed seeing Atticus Ross's sister in the beginning. I liked Bob Hoskins, too, and the visuals in general. Maybe Rupert Sanders should stick to lighting Trent Reznor on fire in music videos? I don't know. Seems like - given a better script and maybe a better cast - he could do good work in the future. Though I did find Kristen Stewart quite attractive as Snow.
    Rupert Sanders did the HTDA music video? Wow - I had no clue.

    Also - apparently there's going to be a sequel for this. How... do you make a sequel for a Snow White film?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Torgo View Post
    How... do you make a sequel for a Snow White film?
    Snow Black?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Torgo
    How... do you make a sequel for a Snow White film?

    SNOW WHITE GOES TO CAMP.
    SNOW WHITE SAVES CHRISTMAS.
    SNOW WHITE GOES TO JAIL.
    SNOW WHITE SCARED STUPID.
    SNOW WHITE RIDES AGAIN.
    SNOW WHITE GOES TO SCHOOL.
    SLAM DUNK SNOW WHITE.
    SNOW WHITE GOES TO AFRICA.
    SNOW WHITE IN THE ARMY.

    Take your pick.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Torgo View Post
    How... do you make a sequel for a Snow White film?

    Snow White: Snow Harder
    Snow White Reloaded
    Snow X: In Space

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    Snow White and Snow Whiter?

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    Snow White: The Cartel Years (probably a prequel)

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    Rain Grey.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Torgo View Post
    "Snow White will make bank off of the fat, mouth breathing hoggish buttertrolls that are eternal Kristen Stewart fans because of Twilight. Here they get to project their morbid, sweaty, fatroll-filled fantasies onto Chris Hemsworth rather than Robert Pattinson. At least Snow White isn't blatant Mormon propaganda.

    Millions of drool-encrusted mouths will hang open this weekend in a pale imitation of the movie's talentless star, vacuous black holes filled to bursting with Milk Duds and Raisinettes. Countless pancreata will struggle to maintain widespread imbalances in blood sugars, and ovaries everywhere will silently cyst over and cease to function for their gluttonous hosts.

    Repeat viewings are guaranteed, as the simple-minded frantically try to maintain images of Hemsworth on their drive home so that they can reconcile it with their latest fantasies derived from "50 Shades of Grey". As the dull-eyed cows lock themselves away, alone behind bedroom and bathroom doors, their houses full of excessive numbers of cats will not be properly fed or cared for.

    Studio executives, high above the carnage, roll nude in their piles of legal tender and inhale cocaine from the buttocks of high-end escorts. The continuance of their lifestyle is of foremost concern, and drug-addled brains slowly turn to thoughts of profitability and marketing.

    Calls are made. Money changes hands. A sequel to Snow White and the Huntsman is announced. Millions of clitori, laboring under pounds of flesh and fat, quiver in anticipation.

    The death of American cinema. "
    That review is darker than Snow White and the Huntsman was able to achieve.

    I thought it was visually beautiful, especially the animals in the forest (moss-covered turtle zomg!!). Plus I loved seeing Charlize Theron hamming it up in a crown, taking magic milk baths and sucking the souls out of people. But other than that, big snoozefest. No franchise, please.

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    Sneaked into the new prequel thing the other day and I was pleasantly surprised! Kinda heavy on exposition and camp but it's a fucking fairytale so w/e. It's par for the course and the hammy genre camp was one of THE BEST parts so it's all good!

    And I'm no Kristen Stewart hater but trading her out for Emily Blunt & Jessica Chastain is a MASSIVE upgrade. This movie is GORGEOUS, the action is AWESOME, and the evil bitch-queens are SO MUCH FUN, lol. And I really can't stress enough how great the action is when it finally gets to it. Better than some straight-up ACTION movies and it's A GIRLY-ASS FAIRYTALE, ffs. That RULED and really caught me off-guard.

    And the campy glee and wickedness these people summon to chew their way through their roles is OFF THE CHARTS and really fun to watch, lol. Emily Blunt is a SERIOUSLY great villainess and after her EXCELLENT turn as the FULL METAL BITCH in the FANTASTIC Edge of Tomorrow I guess I should've known she was going to fucking KILL IT in this. She plays it so well you want to cheer even though what she's saying is absolutely awful, lol. OMG, I was cracking the hell up the whole way through and DID NOT see that coming. But then again I was also drinking lots of vodka and smoking weed in the bathroom so maybe that helped.

    Whatever!

    Please go see THOR 2: THE WINTER SOLDIER or whatever the hell it's called, I hate being the only one laughing my ass off in the theater and I'm TOTALLY going back to see it again soon.

    Still kinda shocked at how much this movie surprised me.

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