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Thread: The Transgender Thread

  1. #751
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    Oh my god, this post makes me so happy. Welcome to the light, my friend. It's wonderful over here.

  2. #752
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    So I (MtF) went full time on Monday and I actually feel a bit stupid that I didn't do this earlier. The change was basically only at work, since I was out to most people in my private life for over a year and since October, I've been 50/50 with girl mode/boy mode after work. Most people at work didn't really care (I mean that in a positive way), the rest seemed a bit cautious, but I can understand that and to be honest, I was nervous and cautious, too. Name changing in all the administrative directories etc. was surprisingly uncomplicated, now my old name is only left on my ID, driver's license, bank account and with all the insurances. Here in Germany you can't really change those until you've gone through a long (3-12 months) and costly (1000-3000€) lawsuit. The corresponding law is insanely outdated (late 70's) and parts of it have been declared illegal in the last 20 years. But since this year is federal election year, I don't see an updated law coming in 2017 and I'm not waiting until that is going to happen.

  3. #753
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    That's so awesome! Congrats!

    I'm kind o f in the same boat you were in. The only place I am in guy mode anywhere is work. Everywhere else I am living as myself pretty much completely. That should change in the next three to four months (hopefully, fingers crossed).

  4. #754
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    Thank you I'm keeping my fingers crossed, too, that everything will work out for you as well!

  5. #755
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  6. #756
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    New Single - Blackthorn



    i wrote & recorded the music & lyrics for this song back in november, and my friend Nina did her incredible vocals a couple weeks ago. this song is extremely close to my heart, as it deals with issues of being trans and feeling stuck, like you can't do anything about it; longing for the transformation that will allow you to be who you are. it's a daily struggle for me and expressing it this way was so cathartic. i hope you enjoy the song and consider buying it to help me donate some money to Center on Halsted, who help support the LGBTQ youth community of chicago (all proceeds for the first 30 days go straight to them).

  7. #757
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    Quote Originally Posted by eversonpoe View Post
    Great tune. And your production skills never cease to amaze me.
    This is something really special man. It's an issue i am SO grateful i've never had to deal with because it sounds AWFUL.
    You've captured the sound of what i'd IMAGINE it would feel like.
    And the donation program is awesome. I'm damn proud of you.

  8. #758
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    Oh and @kleiner352 , i'm just now seeing this and i'm GODDAMN proud of you!

  9. #759
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    Happy day of visibility to all, hopefully someday we won't need to worry about being seen.

  10. #760
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    Hey, here's a new picture for Trans Day of Visibility. It's a bathroom selfie, which I guess is pretty lame, but when I try to take selfies by holding the phone close to me I look absolutely terrible. Not that I look all that great here. I am NOT a photogenic person at all. I swear I look much better than this in real life, guys. XD

    http://imgur.com/a/6Uz4S

  11. #761
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    Quote Originally Posted by theruiner View Post
    Hey, here's a new picture for Trans Day of Visibility. It's a bathroom selfie, which I guess is pretty lame, but when I try to take selfies by holding the phone close to me I look absolutely terrible. Not that I look all that great here. I am NOT a photogenic person at all. I swear I look much better than this in real life, guys. XD

    http://imgur.com/a/6Uz4S
    Bathroom selfies are not at all lame, my female friends do them all the time, one of which actually did a photo series of bathroom selfies. I don't do them, personally, but totally get it. I am also totally not photogenic (I found that many photographers hate having pictures taken!) But I think especially in the current political/societal climate, bathroom selfies are such a powerful thing.

    I'll prob take a selfie before the day is up, too.

  12. #762
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    just made a request to start seeing a therapist at Intra Spectrum right near me to talk about the potential of transitioning.

    i'm so nervous but also excited.

    also realized that my first tattoo, which is on my chest, is going to look AWFUL if/when i get boobs. :/
    Last edited by eversonpoe; 04-19-2017 at 04:42 PM.

  13. #763
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    Ugh, so. I've dealt with this more than once before, but it's been exceptionally difficult this time around -- in the past several months, I'll "accept" myself and my identity and commit to it mentally, and then ... life keeps going, and I end up feeling like I'm wrong, and I'm not this, and I'm mistaken, and I'm delusional and life would just be easier for me to stay the way I was born and I'm only embarrassing myself in the future the more that I say this about myself to other people and then I start to feel like, wait, this isn't me, this isn't my voice, this is my own thoughts filling in for all of the people who I know would say these very same things to me if I told them who I see myself as, and I'm sabotaging myself out of fear of the process of transitioning.

    I know that's a hell of a run-on but I hope it makes some sense to somebody here -- it's a constant point of stress for me lately and almost every day this past week I've thought about it. I have one close friend left who doesn't know and they're for whatever reason the biggest barrier -- I don't think I have anything to worry about with them, but I feel like maybe in my head I know that once I've told them, I won't have any way to "hide" again amongst my friends? Does that even make any sense? It's like I'm terrified of having the inability to sink back into the familiar person suit I was born into and am stuck inside of to such an extent that my own mind goes to great lengths to convince itself that it should stay this way and that it'll all be fine.

  14. #764
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    i started going to therapy today at a place that specializes in queer issues. i love my therapist, they're perfect, and i'm glad i decided to start this process. i haven't been to therapy regularly in about 12 years, and i left feeling elated.

    then i tried to tell my wife about the one moment that made me cry during my session (talking about wanting to be a mom) and, of course, she didn't have the reaction i had hoped she would have...the one person whose opinion/reaction i actually care about in regards to me transitioning is reacting poorly because she always pictured a mom, a dad, and a kid; i always pictured two moms and a kid. she's worried she won't be attracted to me if i change (because she's physically attracted to so few people, it's not even a gender issue) and it hurts a lot. :/

  15. #765
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    Quote Originally Posted by sick among the pure View Post
    Happy day of visibility to all, hopefully someday we won't need to worry about being seen.
    I know I'm late in my response, but I really needed that. Thank you for indirectly cheering me up. There's already more than enough things that sometimes bum me out to the point that they make me feel like I shouldn't even exist. This definitely shouldn't be one of them.

    And well, thank you yet again.
    Last edited by Halo Infinity; 05-04-2017 at 08:30 PM.

  16. #766
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    Yeah, this is a hard time for us, but know that we are not alone in this, and there are genuinely good allies out there everywhere. Joining a bunch of groups on FB since the election (to stay informed on things and organize contacting government officials, etc) who have NO connection to trans people or even the LGBT community as a whole, I've seen that a lot of people are on our side in all of this. Many do not fully understand us but do care about us being treated like people and having the right to exist safely and pursue happiness the same as any cis person.

  17. #767
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    Quote Originally Posted by ”kleiner352”
    Ugh, so. I've dealt with this more than once before, but it's been exceptionally difficult this time around -- in the past several months, I'll "accept" myself and my identity and commit to it mentally, and then ... life keeps going, and I end up feeling like I'm wrong, and I'm not this, and I'm mistaken, and I'm delusional and life would just be easier for me to stay the way I was born and I'm only embarrassing myself in the future the more that I say this about myself to other people and then I start to feel like, wait, this isn't me, this isn't my voice, this is my own thoughts filling in for all of the people who I know would say these very same things to me if I told them who I see myself as, and I'm sabotaging myself out of fear of the process of transitioning.
    So, let me start by saying that this is SO common and you are not alone in this. Like, at all. What you’re describing sounds like serious internalized transphobia and I think most trans people deal have dealt with it at some point in their lives. I know I have. Internalized transphobia was something I had to actively fight to get past. I’m in a much better place now, but it took some time and some serious effort to get there.

    I can tell you from experience, not only my own but talking to countless other trans people throughout the years that this is NOT going away. I’m not trying to tell you to transition or not to transition, but you have to realize that this is not something that’s going to get better with time. This is who you are, deep down, truly, in your hearts of hearts, and avoiding it and denying it and trying to push it down is only going to make things worse (even if it does temporarily feel better sometimes, it will always come back).

    It’s really hard to get past that perception that there’s something wrong with you. It’s REALLY hard to get to a point where you stop caring about other people’s judgements. Believe me, I have struggled with this for years. It took me a LONG time to get to the point I’m at now, but most of the time I could just not give a fuck what anyone thinks. Now, there are times when I feel self-conscious (especially when I’m wearing something especially feminine and I’m alone, going to the store in a skirt by myself sometimes still makes me nervous, though most of the time I’m mostly ok). What helped me was the realization that the people judging me were, whether it was their intention or not, basically telling me to hide who I was, to keep it behind closed doors, that I wasn’t allowed to be in the world as myself. THEY could be, of course, but I wasn’t allowed to. And every judgmental stare and every whisper is them trying to tell us that we fucked up and this is our punishment.

    When I started framing it like that in my mind, that they were trying to tell me I wasn’t ALLOWED to dress this way or to be myself, my stubbornness came out full force. I remember the first time I went out in a skirt for a whole day, outside of just a support group and “safe” spaces. I was terrified. And I started telling myself, like, no, NO ONE is going to tell me how I am supposed to live my life or how I am allowed to dress. If they are allowed admission into the outside world as themselves then I have every right to do the same, and no one better stop me. That was the turning point for me. That’s when I truly stopped giving a shit. And it was what I built off of to build up my confidence, and it’s what I use now when I start to falter.

    I know that's a hell of a run-on but I hope it makes some sense to somebody here -- it's a constant point of stress for me lately and almost every day this past week I've thought about it. I have one close friend left who doesn't know and they're for whatever reason the biggest barrier -- I don't think I have anything to worry about with them, but I feel like maybe in my head I know that once I've told them, I won't have any way to "hide" again amongst my friends? Does that even make any sense? It's like I'm terrified of having the inability to sink back into the familiar person suit I was born into and am stuck inside of to such an extent that my own mind goes to great lengths to convince itself that it should stay this way and that it'll all be fine.
    The more you come out to people the easier it gets. And, at least for me, the more people I’m out to, the freer I feel. Every time I come out, even now when I’m out to almost everyone, I feel this huge weight being lifted more and more off my shoulders. I love it. No one should pressure you into it, of course, but I have found that sometimes I have to push myself in my transition, whether it’s coming out or other things I’ve done, and I’ve never regretted it.

  18. #768
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    @theruiner thanks for that thoughtful and thorough response -- I'm actually trying to figure out how I want to come out to everybody I know all at once on social media soon. I know I want to do it as soon as I can because this sense of needing to doesn't go away anymore than the sense of fear of it does, and I feel like that's the only way both will disappear at once.

  19. #769
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    It gets easier. Trust me, it really does get easier.

    And you have plenty of support here if you need it.

  20. #770
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    So, something that's grown to help me a lot in recent days in accepting myself and my identity more is not seeing it as "Am I transgender" but "Am I cis?" Because the answer to that one is so easily a "No" for me.

    I don't know why it is that it works that way in my head, but I find it a lot easier to accept that, yeah, I don't feel like or identify as a guy, than it is to say "Of course I'm a woman." I'm sure it has a lot to do with internalized transphobia and different issues with self-image but reversing the line of questioning has gone a very long way in helping me feel alright lately. Ruling out the things that I know I'm not make it so much easier to accept that things that I am, if that makes any sense.

  21. #771
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    i've been having a weird time lately.

    on the one hand, my therapist (who i adore and is a perfect match for me) realized that my transition goals don't require hormones, which is a HUGE deal. so i'm looking at hair removal, breast implants, and a change of wardrobe. potentially, down the line, facial feminization surgery, but that's kind of a last resort. i honestly don't care about passing as a cis woman to other people (which i know is a goal for a lot of trans women, and that's fine), i just want to be able to look in the mirror and see a woman. this is really all about my perception of myself. anyway, the not having to take hormones aspect is a big weight off my shoulders both financially and logistically, especially because one of my worries was about sex drive and functionality (as i have no interest in bottom surgery and would like to maintain the sexual relationship i have with my wife).

    i also shaved my beard (always takes getting used to my face) and have been painting my nails (i've always loved the ritual of it, as well as the smell of nail polish). i'd really like to buy a dress soon because i haven't owned one since high school. i miss having the confidence i somehow had back then, despite being terribly depressed and constantly bullied.

    on the other hand, last week, on the second day that i was in extreme pain due to an out-of-place rib, my mom decided it'd be a good time to really get into a deep discussion about me being trans. now, i love my mom, and she's always been supportive and like my best friend, but sometimes, she can be REALLY indelicate about certain things. she said a few things that came off so condescending and rude that i almost couldn't believe it. each time, i stopped her, explained why what she said wasn't ok, and requested that, if she wants to talk to me about this stuff (which i am more than willing to do), she needs to ask questions from a place of respect and the desire to understand, not a place of judgement. it was rough. one of her main concerns is how my dad is going to react, which is weird, because every time i imagine talking to him, i just see him having a non-reaction.

    also, on saturday, my wife and i had plans to go to target. when we woke up in the morning, i asked if we could measure my chest so i could buy a bra. i was already planning on dressing up and wearing makeup for the show i'm playing this friday (live debut of one of my musical projects, and my first time on stage since last august), and my wife knew about that. apparently the idea of wearing a stuffed bra was too much for her, though. the problem is that she didn't SAY that, she just spent the whole morning being upset and not being able to articulate anything. i didn't even end up LOOKING at bras at target, we didn't speak at all on the car ride home. when we finally managed to talk about things, she said that she was only upset about the bra/boobs aspect happening so quickly (whereas it seemed like she was upset about me even wanting to dress up/wear makeup, and i was sitting there feeling like "oh, fuck...this is the beginning of the end"). once we got on the same page, we both felt much better, and she agreed to do better next time to communicate very clearly what specifically upsets her (because i know this won't be the last time she gets potentially worried/upset about something). so that was a mixed bag. but at least she's still doing my makeup on friday, for which i'm very excited.

    tl;dr

    getting closer to starting my transition, which for me will mean slowly making my appearance and wardrobe more feminine, until i'm ready to get hair removal and implants.

  22. #772
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    http://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/201...9eN/story.html

    Nice story.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  23. #773
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    It's been a minute since I posted in here, let alone on any updates of mine, so I figure I may as well since seeing it all written down in one place helps me process the sense that there has been actual progress (I'm usually terrible at internalizing it) and that I'm sharing it rather than keeping it to myself as I have kept so many things about being trans to myself over the years.

    - I came out to my mother, who has been more supportive than I could have ever hoped, and while she doesn't fully understand the subject or how to accommodate it, she's trying and she's positive and most of all she's loving and I think that with those three things in tandem, there's nothing more than a matter of time involved in her seeing me as her daughter rather than her son -- I'm sure it's got to take an enormous amount of time to stop thinking of someone you've known for literally decades as something other than what you've known them as, and I can appreciate that.

    - I came out to one of my closest friends who I had been, for absolutely no concrete or rational reason, terrified of telling, and he was nothing but wonderful -- said I had nothing to worry about with him and then we talked about Radiohead for an hour, which is the absolute ideal and perfect conversation for the two of us.

    - I came out on Facebook to everybody who's on it including numerous old teachers, friends, acquaintances and others, which I thought should have felt beautiful or something but instead felt quietly relieving, like there was a bomb I was no longer sitting on. Rather than excitement, euphoria and bliss I simply felt like I didn't have to be so fucking anxious anymore about it.

    - I'm working towards being in a situation where I don't have to pretend to be cis socially as often as I do right now and that takes time and feels like there's zero progress because it's so abstract, hard to quantify, hard to set milestones for and hard to foresee but the simple fact that I'm thinking in these terms at all whatsoever is a complete 180 from where I was just a few months ago.

    With all that in mind, I barely deal with any real doubts now. It's crazy to see a post from me just a month or so ago expressing coping with doubt because lately I deal so little with it, and when I do I have no hard time in quelling it and accepting it -- the fact that I am so confident that I would never strictly identify as male or want to use my birth name or any other strictly male name is its own answer and I remind myself of that any time those feelings arise. I really could not think ahead and imagine who I wanted to be in the future just six months ago and now while it's fuzzy, I do have a sense of a number of things I'd like to be and at the very least feel like there's genuine potential to be something close to happy with myself. That's a feeling/thought I have never, ever had before in any healthy way.

    I don't feel great and I don't feel amazing or like anything an overly-positive Buzzfeed post says trans people are supposed to feel but all of that is bullshit, anyway, because along the way I have continuously been following this pattern of going from intense anxiety to relief, and that is the most positive and healthy thing to happen to me in ages. That cycle -- intense anxiety --> immense relief -- that's indescribable and to be having that in my own way on my own terms at my own pace is amazing. I have often felt like things in life happen at speeds and intensities well beyond my own control and have often felt driven mad by that powerlessness, and I do think part of that has stemmed from a sense of perceived and real powerlessness around my gender and social presentation, and this is one of the first times where I feel like it is totally and completely up to me where I go, how I advance and when I do so.

  24. #774
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    Last night I was out with some friends and met new people and one of them was a guy who was trans -- we both talked about it and they asked me what pronouns I go by. The world around me has kind of taught me to scoff at those sorts of things, but actually having it happen to me in person, it was incredibly emotional -- I seriously felt like I'd never had anyone who was a stranger show me that level of consideration, care and empathy in person, and it was wonderful. The general sense of support and encouragement so many people have given off has been unbelievable and immeasurable in its effect on me. I know I wouldn't be where I'm at right now in my progression if it wasn't for how people have been every step of the way. I've done my best to avoid the people I know would only make it harder, and it's not possible to do that 100 percent of the time, but it's been so worth it. Most people simply ignore you and do not care, and that's the greatest feeling in the world after growing up surrounded by people who were actively hateful and seeking targets.

    Sorry to be hogging the thread here, but that was just such a wonderful night and I interacted with so many positive, loving and warm people and it was amazing. It's really, really easy to forget that there are people like that these days, and every reminder is a fantastic one.

  25. #775
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    I finally gave in and paid the (first) $215 to get my name change taken care of. New York is an amazing state to deal with for this, as they do not deny name changes for trans people, and I only have to have it published in the local paper once (another $40). Then on to birth certificate, and finally a trip to the DMV who also can not deny me because NY is a cool place (already had my gender marker changed years ago because you just need a letter from your dr for that thank you NY).
    The money and time involved sucks, but I know it is a lot worse for people elsewhere. And I don't know what more may happen as time goes on in this fucked up country, so the sooner I just do this shit, the better.
    Also re-thinking about getting a pink triangle tattoo with the trans symbol surrounding it, I had planned on my The Fragile tat being next, but this one seems more pressing right now.

  26. #776
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    The Transgender Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by sick among the pure View Post
    I finally gave in and paid the (first) $215 to get my name change taken care of. New York is an amazing state to deal with for this, as they do not deny name changes for trans people, and I only have to have it published in the local paper once (another $40). Then on to birth certificate, and finally a trip to the DMV who also can not deny me because NY is a cool place (already had my gender marker changed years ago because you just need a letter from your dr for that thank you NY).
    The money and time involved sucks, but I know it is a lot worse for people elsewhere. And I don't know what more may happen as time goes on in this fucked up country, so the sooner I just do this shit, the better.
    Also re-thinking about getting a pink triangle tattoo with the trans symbol surrounding it, I had planned on my The Fragile tat being next, but this one seems more pressing right now.
    I recently watched a piece of the public hearings on the fuckstupid bathroom bill in Texas. One man testified how much time and money he has spent trying to get his gender changed on his documents to no avail. Fucking bias bureaucrats.

    Actually, walked through the state house today and made disparaging remarks about Dan Patrick, the Lt Gov. It felt good.

  27. #777
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    Not sure if this is the appropriate thread, but Bandcamp is donating 100% of profits earned on August 4th to the TLC.

  28. #778
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    This is a little on the nose (ok, a LOT on the nose) but I found it incredibly moving. And by "incredibly moving" I mean I literally laid on the couch bawling for a good 6 or 7 minutes after it was over.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tilsrO-3gcQ

  29. #779
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    @kleiner352 - I totally didn't see your posts in here until just now. I just read through a bunch of them. You have always been one of my favorite folks on here, and while it came as a slight surprise I'm really happy to hear you're getting so much support! I don't think I've ever seen a photo of you or anything, but you always convey a very comforting and warm presence. I wish all the best for you (and everyone else, mind) on your journey. Feel free to PM me again if you ever feel like talking about it.

  30. #780
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    University 'blocks transgender research'

    http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-41384473

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