The Transgender Thread

[theruiner]

I cannot tell you how much this means to me. I can't tell you, as a transgender person, how much it means to hear the attorney general of the United States say these words:

Let me also speak directly to the transgender community itself. Some of you have lived freely for decades. Others of you are still wondering how you can possibly live the lives you were born to lead. But no matter how isolated or scared you may feel today, the Department of Justice and the entire Obama Administration wants you to know that we see you; we stand with you; and we will do everything we can to protect you going forward.

This is history being made right before our eyes. This is beautiful.

http://time.com/4323672/bathroom-bil...lynch-remarks/

[sick among the pure]

I made the mistake of finally watching that video of the woman (Pearl I think her name was) who was attacked on the subway after that, instead of before that. So instead of thinking "things are slowly getting better" was left with the thought that "no, we're still stuck where we have been..."
But I do want to give you a special thanks for posting uplifting things on FB, otherwise I never would have known about her speech.

[theruiner]

A North Carolina school board is actively encouraging students to pepper spray trans kids. What the actual fuck.

http://www.slate.com/blogs/outward/2..._students.html

[Dra508]

Dan Patrick needs to go die in a fire.


So ya'll don't lump the entire state into crazy town:

http://thescoopblog.dallasnews.com/2...338.1460789917


http://keranews.org/post/amid-fiery-...sgender-people

[theruiner]

This is so awesome.

For the first time in history, two (!!) trans women have won their respective state primaries. This makes me so happy.

http://theslot.jezebel.com/two-worki...ory-1782811560

[sick among the pure]

I had an interview this morning and the receptionist was a beautiful trans woman and I was just so happy for her because it was in a really rural 1 red light PA town.

[theruiner]

The first trans person to ever speak at a national convention. This was amazing.

[eversonpoe]

i don't remember if this article was already posted, but i finally got around to reading it today. their experiences mirror so many of mine, their emotions mirror mine almost perfectly, and i managed to keep it together until this paragraph:

I adore Laura Jane Grace, but I never wanted to be a punk rocker. I don’t want to be a conversation-starter or a curiosity, and that’s what I would be in this world, to so many people. All I wanted to be was Wendy Darling. I wanted to be an average girl with an average girlhood. I will never be able to go back and have my friends do my hair at sleepovers. I will never go back and wear a gown to prom. I will never have had a girlhood. I’ve had years to try and be at peace with that loss and sometimes I manage. We’re humans. None of it’s fair. So many of us have things taken away from us.

i wish i still had the confidence, the bravery, the FUCK YOU, I'M GOING TO BE ME THE WAY I WANT TO BE attitude that i had in high school. i wish that i had started to transition when i was in high school, instead of slitting my wrists at seventeen and almost dying and then spending seven years trying to just function as a person. because maybe if i had transitioned in high school, i wouldn't have tried to kill myself when my girlfriend broke up with me through an e-mail, the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back; maybe i wouldn't have remained in a clinical depression until i was twenty-four. but i don't know. and now that i can't stop thinking about transitioning (literally, can not stop, it is on my mind constantly), i don't know if i actually can.

[theruiner]

First, thank you for posting that article. I haven't read it and I look forward to getting to it sometime tonight.

Second, and I apologize in advance because I know this is going to be long, but believe me when I tell you that I understand where you're coming from. I really, really do.

I spent my entire life up until a few years ago, telling myself the same thing. I looked at my body, at my broad shoulders, at my face, at my entire body, and I said, there's just no way. I don't know if I can pull this off. I don't want to look like a man in a dress. I don't know if I can do this. At the same time, transition was all that I could think about. From the minute I woke up to the minute I went to bed, it was constantly on my mind. I went back and forth and back and forth over whether I should do something or not. I spent countless hours watching Youtube videos of trans women who had transitioned, read through blog after blog from trans people detailing their experiences. I would cry myself to sleep at night. I would break down crying in the grocery store because I saw some woman that triggered my dysphoria, because I wanted so badly what she had. I would daydream all the time about transitioning, about unrealistic things, like a magic wand that would make me a woman, about just waking up in the right body, about how that would feel, how my life would be. I knew it was bullshit but I did it anyway. Even as an adult, because it was the only way I could cope.

Finally I realized that I have to do this or I will never be happy. Or I would end up committing suicide. I finally went to a therapist, and one of the first things I told her was, "I already lost my 20s, I don't want to lose my 30s, too." She told me that was incredibly common among trans people. I very, very cautiously took steps to make this happen, was on hormones for two years, the entire time still not being sure whether I really wanted to do this or not, having second thoughts on a daily basis, giving myself panic attacks over it all the time (you're my FB friend, I'm sure you saw some off the awful posts I made when I was pulling my hair out over the anxiety this was causing me). It wasn't until a few months ago that I finally felt confident in this decision.

All that to say, it was not an easy road. And my dysphoria hasn't gone away. I still break down crying sometimes when I see my face in the mirror and realize that the hormones aren't doing anything, that I still see a man staring back. I still get major anxiety any time I go out in girl mode. The fact that I am gendered male 100% of the time when I'm out as a woman causes me more pain that I can possibly put into words.

But you know what? I'm still pushing forward. Because as awful as some of this is, I'm optimistic that it will work out. I have to at least try. Because the alternative is being miserable literally all day, every day, wishing to God I could be the real me. I hate my body. I hate what testosterone has done to it. I wish, more than anything in the world, that I could go back in time and convince myself to transition as a teenager, before these stupid male hormones masculinized every part of me. But I can't. And it still hurts. And the fact that I will never have a girlhood still hurts. There are so many things that hurt, but I can't imagine going back now. Living as my authentic self some of the time, working really hard toward making it all of the time, is a million times better than when I was just dreaming about doing it but never trying. Now I'm on the road to being the real me. It will never completely be the real me, I'll never be able to go back and reclaim my childhood, I'll never be able to shrink my shoulders down, I'll never be able to experience my 20s as a woman. But I have the rest of my life to live and I'll be god damned if I'm going to spend it being something I'm not.

You can do this. You really, really can. I was saying the EXACT SAME THING five years ago: I really want this but I'm not sure I can pull it off. I would be willing to bet that most trans people say the same thing and so many of us do make it to the other side, even when it felt hopeless for so long. I know you can do this. And as I told you before, in the words of my very wise best friend, the time is going to pass either way. You will live the next five, ten, twenty years of your life either way. Do you want to do it as yourself or do you want to keep pretending to be something you're not, never being able to experience living as the real you?


You know I'm always here for support. Never hesitate to reach out.

[Dra508]

@theruiner You would have never written a post such as that two years ago. From all the way over here, in the little piece that I see of you, you have grown, balanced, matured from the experience and learned, like any other human, but with so much more of a burden. You should really be proud of yourself and your resilience. Dam it, stop making me empathetic and weepy.

[allegro]

If it's any consolation, being a female teen really sucked. Getting boobs really hurt. I didn't go to prom because I hated everybody, the girls were treacherous she-devils who'd suddenly break into fights and rumbles in the girls' bathroom. Ends up I didn't miss much at senior prom; one of our girlfriends got drunk and puked on a cheerleader's dress.

I've been addicted to "I Am Jazz" on TLC and it seems that the "perfect time" (physically) to transition is when you're REALLY young, well before puberty (Jazz knew she was a girl at 3). Jazz has had to have two implants in her arm so far to (estrogen), the 2nd one was not covered by her family's insurance and they had to pay cash and fly her to California to get a discounted rate (they live in Florida). She and her family have had to suffer through terrible harassing voice mail messages ("your daughter has a DICK") and it's hard for Jazz to make genuine friends. It's hard enough being a female teen in high school, let alone being transgender; Jazz went to a local Gay Straight Alliance meeting and the trans students from the GSA at another school were all F to M trans and the coordinator asked why there were no M to F trans attendees and they said no M to F attend because so many are murdered and they are scared. Jazz might transfer high schools because she has ZERO support in her high school.

[Ryan]

If it's any consolation, being a female teen really sucked. Getting boobs really hurt. I didn't go to prom because I hated everybody, the girls were treacherous she-devils who'd suddenly break into fights and rumbles in the girls' bathroom. Ends up I didn't miss much at senior prom; one of our girlfriends got drunk and puked on a cheerleader's dress.

I've been addicted to "I Am Jazz" on TLC and it seems that the "perfect time" (physically) to transition is when you're REALLY young, well before puberty (Jazz knew she was a girl at 3). Jazz has had to have two implants in her arm so far to (estrogen), the 2nd one was not covered by her family's insurance and they had to pay cash and fly her to California to get a discounted rate (they live in Florida). She and her family have had to suffer through terrible harassing voice mail messages ("your daughter has a DICK") and it's hard for Jazz to make genuine friends. It's hard enough being a female teen in high school, let alone being transgender; Jazz went to a local Gay Straight Alliance meeting and the trans students from the GSA at another school were all F to M trans and the coordinator asked why there were no M to F trans attendees and they said no M to F attend because so many are murdered and they are scared. Jazz might transfer high schools because she has ZERO support in her high school.

She's rather pretty.

[eversonpoe]

If it's any consolation, being a female teen really sucked. Getting boobs really hurt. I didn't go to prom because I hated everybody, the girls were treacherous she-devils who'd suddenly break into fights and rumbles in the girls' bathroom. Ends up I didn't miss much at senior prom; one of our girlfriends got drunk and puked on a cheerleader's dress.

being a teen as a female stuck in a male's body was far worse than any of that, i guarantee it.
i was literally the nicest, most understanding, eager to listen to your problems and be your friend type of person, and still:
• i got the shit kicked out of me on a regular basis for being a "fag" (i was out as bisexual but not as trans)
• i actually got stuffed into a locker one time (it doesn't just happen in the movies), and i'm claustrophobic
• i was super prude throughout high school because of my dysphoria, which caused a lot of problems every time i tried to have a relationship, and that was even before:
• i was raped by a girl a week before sophomore year started, but didn't remember it happened for a month, and my brain still regularly tries to convince me it didn't happen because EVERYONE i tried to tell told me it was impossible for a girl to rape a boy (i verified for sure that it did happen the day that i ran into my rapist on the L platform almost 8 years later and had a panic attack and then got a message from her online)
• i was forced into a sexual situation by a close friend who knew i had feelings for her (who i had told about my rape) a couple months later
• i went to prom at the end of sophomore year (didn't wear a tux but didn't get to wear a dress) with my boyfriend jake, but we didn't dance; he kept trying to grope me while we were playing lazer tag after, and then when we got to the house where our group was hanging out after that, he broke his promise to me and got super drunk and basically tried to fuck me on a pool table in a room full of people
• the only real relationship i had was with a girl who legally changed her name from eugenie to jeanz, was a victim of paternal sexual abuse (we spent the first six months of our relationship very, very slowly learning to trust each other and overcome our assaults), and who broke up with me through an e-mail a week after our one-year anniversary, which is what prompted my suicide attempt at the beginning of my senior year

i realize you're essentially telling me that high school sucks no matter what, and i'm not trying to compete with you, i'm just letting you know that, had i been able to experience all the normal high school stuff without ALSO dealing with eating disorders, clinical depression, and self-harm all stemming from my dysphoria, plus all of the horrible other shit that fell upon me, it would have been a lot less terrible, because i would have at least felt like ME.

[Ryan]

@eversonpoe , so where do you stand in your life now? You're happily married, no?

[theruiner]

being a teen as a female stuck in a male's body was far worse than any of that, i guarantee it.

i realize you're essentially telling me that high school sucks no matter what, and i'm not trying to compete with you, i'm just letting you know that, had i been able to experience all the normal high school stuff without ALSO dealing with eating disorders, clinical depression, and self-harm all stemming from my dysphoria, plus all of the horrible other shit that fell upon me, it would have been a lot less terrible, because i would have at least felt like ME.

This. SO MUCH this.

I wish people who weren't trans could understand how painful this is. How it consumes you almost every waking second of every day. I'm sorry, I know being a teenager sucks for everyone, and, as eversonpoe said, it's not a competition, but there's no consolation there. I would have gladly dealt with those things (I have to deal with my boobs hurting now, so that part I definitely get to experience...yay?) to not break down crying on a regular basis because the massive wall of dysphoria and the depression that comes with it made me feel like life wasn't worth living. I would have gladly dealt with whatever issues came with being cis if I could have been in the right body and not been so depressed that I damn near flunked out of school. I would have gladly dealt with whatever came with that if I didn't have to constantly, and I do mean constantly be bombarded with reminders of all the things I was missing out on. That I didn't have to walk through the world and have every other person I saw make me want to break down and cry. That I wouldn't have people reminding me of how much of a "guy" I was at every opportunity. That I didn't have to look on with envy at the girls forming friendships around me and being able to relate to each other in a way I wasn't allowed to, as I was pretending to be a guy and trying to fit in with other dudes, even though it was destroying me inside.

I would have given anything in the world not to have experienced that.

[eversonpoe]

@eversonpoe , so where do you stand in your life now? You're happily married, no?

yes, i'm happily married to an amazing woman who, yesterday at therapy, with no prompting from me, asked her therapist to reach out to her network and find someone who specializes in trans issues for me to talk to and start this process. she supports me, and that mean so much to me it's impossible to put into words.

This. SO MUCH this.

I wish people who weren't trans could understand how painful this is. How it consumes you almost every waking second of every day. I'm sorry, I know being a teenager sucks for everyone, and, as eversonpoe said, it's not a competition, but there's no consolation there. I would have gladly dealt with those things (I have to deal with my boobs hurting now, so that part I definitely get to experience...yay?) to not break down crying on a regular basis because the massive wall of dysphoria and the depression that comes with it made me feel like life wasn't worth living. I would have gladly dealt with whatever issues came with being cis if I could have been in the right body and not been so depressed that I damn near flunked out of school. I would have gladly dealt with whatever came with that if I didn't have to constantly, and I do mean constantly be bombarded with reminders of all the things I was missing out on. That I didn't have to walk through the world and have every other person I saw make me want to break down and cry. That I wouldn't have people reminding me of how much of a "guy" I was at every opportunity. That I didn't have to look on with envy at the girls forming friendships around me and being able to relate to each other in a way I wasn't allowed to, as I was pretending to be a guy and trying to fit in with other dudes, even though it was destroying me inside.

I would have given anything in the world not to have experienced that.

^^^ theruiner and i have SO MUCH shared experience it's ridiculous.

[allegro]

What I was trying to say was, yes, being a teen REALLY sucks and teens are BRUTAL. That show I am watching shows that they are even MORE brutal to trans teens. So while it was brutal enough on a cis teen girl like me, can you imagine for a moment what it might be like for a transitioning trans back then?? Even NOW it's bad but surely it was worse 10 years or more ago. This is why transitioning teens commit suicide, too. Surr, you are being your authentic self but there is always a price, even for cis teens and especially for trans teens. That young Jazz is so smart and says stuff like this all the time.

[theruiner]

It would have been awful, for sure. But I would have gladly dealt with it if it meant being able to be myself.

But yeah, I have often thought about how much more difficult it would have been to transition back then. And, obviously, it's certainly not a walk in the park now, but it is definitely an improvement from when myself and eversonpoe were growing up. When I was in high school we were just getting to the point where being gay was becoming less stigmatized (at least by people my age; it seems like kids are always ahead of the game in that respect and adults catch up later, generally speaking) let alone being trans.

Still, it would have saved me an enormous amount of pain, not to mention stopped the damage to my body before it was done. Even if I had transitioned in my early 20s I probably would have been better off physically than I am now. And it would have saved a hell of a lot of money (my electrolysis and laser alone are going to cost close to ten grand, and then there are a lifetime of hormones, GRS, facial feminization surgery, possible breast augmentation, and other procedures that I will probably need). All to try to get my body where it would have been had I started when I was a teenager.

[allegro]

The stuff on this Jazz show seems to indicate that the "best" time is BEFORE puberty, but the worst time is during the teens and during puberty (and facing all those rotten kids). Yes, it's bad enough just BEING a teen, so emotional, so much going on, so much pressure as it is, and many teens already suffer from clinical depression, and add the pressure of transitioning? You are mourning your female teen self but what I'm saying is that it's good to mourn but maybe don't dwell on that too much, because we are not yet in a world where this is easy for transitioning teens. As I said, this Jazz is considering transferring to a special school that is more accepting of gay and trans teens, and this is all costing her parents a FORTUNE because their insurance isn't covering ANY of it; I can't imagine it covered any of it back then; and her Mom is a social worker so she's kinda living in the best world possible, but most teens just don't. Living your most authentic life isn't Kryptonite, is all I'm saying, that maybe you need to look at the "now" and be glad that you're dealing with it now. Jazz is fighting hair growth and she's been transitioning since she was 3. Candice Caine says she fights this fight every day of her life, continuing, having to have estrogen injections forever. It will be a forever battle with your own body, but at least you get to live in the one you want? But, even then, being a teen is brutal and the pressures of being a teen, the changing hormones and peer pressure, etc., it's bad enough as it is, but add transitioning; if you have any depression already, add this to it, plus everything else, it's no wonder that trans teens commit suicide. With little to no support systems for teens as it is, let alone gay or trans teens, it's rough.

[theruiner]

I'm sorry, but I still would go back and transition as a teen if I could. Like I said, so much of my physical problems (read: masculinity) could have been avoided if I had done this in my teens, even after puberty has started.

I would have gladly taken all of the crap that came with it to be my true self. Part of the reason trans people commit suicide is body dysphoria, which I had in spades as a teenager (and still do). Having to hide who I am. Sorry, but being out and being able to be my true self would have been a million times better, even with all the crap that came with it.

I would give ANYTHING to not have moments, which have been increasing lately, where I couldn't even look in the mirror because it hurt so much to see my face. Had I transitioned in my teens, that probably, almost certainly, would not have been the case.

[allegro]

Allegro, respectfully, I think you're coming from a place of like, caring and positive intent with this. But, it's kind of coming off as you telling them about their own experiences.

sorry, I didn't mean to do that, I just see stuff like this all the time, and I know that both of these people are from a generation that was even worse than this; I know that hindsight is 20/20 and mourning is part of the process or any process. But I mourn these teens that are experiencing this right now, who can't even go into the proper bathroom or who are harassed to the point of committing suicide; it's all awful, obviously.

I'm very maternal so I guess I'm protective. At some point living in the now is maybe more healthy than mourning the past, and maybe it's good to try to do work on yourself for now and to help the teens who are currently transitioning? I guess that's all I was thinking.

@theruiner , I wish you would have been able to transition when you were a child so you would not have experienced so much pain through today. Hopefully you have a lot of bright days ahead of you, the future is a lot brighter. Look at Jenny Boylan, she didn't transition until she was in her early-30s and had two kids and she looks great and is having a great life. You can, too!

[theruiner]

Thanks, allegro. I appreciate it. I sincerely hope so, too. I'm trying. I don't dwell on the past too much (contrary to the way I may have seemed today) but it does come up. I can't change the past, all I can do is try to make a better future for myself. I've gotten a lot better at not feeling so much regret. A couple of years ago it was really, really bad. Ugh.

[allegro]

Thanks, allegro. I appreciate it. I sincerely hope so, too. I'm trying. I don't dwell on the past too much (contrary to the way I may have seemed today) but it does come up. I can't change the past, all I can do is try to make a better future for myself. I've gotten a lot better at not feeling so much regret. A couple of years ago it was really, really bad. Ugh.

Sometimes we have to give our past selves a break. Even in your 20s, sometimes there are reasons why things turn out the way they did, maybe we aren't always ready to face certain things until later in life and then, voila, we are! NOW is your time. It's the perfect time for you. Better than never!

I really do wish (as does, I assume, everybody in this thread) that attitudes in this country and the world would change to "live and let live" so that these closed-minded people would just leave trans people alone; I just don't see why it MATTERS so much. I saw one of G's cousins post some shit on Facebook, some cartoon meme about "if you are a guy and want to go into the ladies room where my mom or wife or daughter is, you're gonna have to get past me" with a cartoon of some big huge redneck. It's all ignorance based on zero information and fear. So these poor kids, especially, who have enough guts to decide to transition in grade school or junior high or high school, it takes enough just to make that decision, and they maybe get parental support, or support from friends, but their own community gives them shit, their school gives them shit, other parents give them shit, and most kids just aren't strong enough to handle that. And these are KIDS; why are these adults not cognizant of how they are treating young people? Rhetorical question, but it's all just evil.

[sick among the pure]

Thanks, allegro. I appreciate it. I sincerely hope so, too. I'm trying. I don't dwell on the past too much (contrary to the way I may have seemed today) but it does come up. I can't change the past, all I can do is try to make a better future for myself. I've gotten a lot better at not feeling so much regret. A couple of years ago it was really, really bad. Ugh.

Not to be ~a creeper~ but I've seen your FB photos, I know (from experience, mostly) how it doesn't feel like you're making any progress or anything like that, but you already are. It's a slow start. And a slow middle, when you get there too. Sometimes even years after healing from surgery is when you start seeing the more "final results" stages. Hormones take A DAMN LONG TIME even when your dr gets the right amount of the right kind for you. I can't even tell you how much I feel like I wasted 4 years on daily topical testosterone, because of how drastic and amazing he changes were once I went to subcutaneous weekly .5ml injections. And then, how drastic chest surgery was and how it only became amazing a year now after surgery.
And even with all of that, this spring, some little kid (who didn't know any better) came up to me when I was photographing an event and said "you look like a girl."

[theruiner]

Sometimes we have to give our past selves a break. Even in your 20s, sometimes there are reasons why things turn out the way they did, maybe we aren't always ready to face certain things until later in life and then, voila, we are! NOW is your time. It's the perfect time for you. Better than never!

Better late than never, certainly, but there was no advantage to waiting out my 20s. It was a huge mistake, one I wish I could take back a million times over, and it did nothing but disadvantage me and leave me spending an entire decade in complete, at times almost suicidal misery, and I didn't have to. It was a complete waste. But there's nothing I can do now. All I can do is try to fix things as soon as possible so I can salvage what's left.

Not to be ~a creeper~ but I've seen your FB photos, I know (from experience, mostly) how it doesn't feel like you're making any progress or anything like that, but you already are. It's a slow start. And a slow middle, when you get there too. Sometimes even years after healing from surgery is when you start seeing the more "final results" stages. Hormones take A DAMN LONG TIME even when your dr gets the right amount of the right kind for you.

I appreciate that. But at two and a half years, I should be way, WAY further along than I am. And that's not me being subjective, objectively, at this point, it's not just that they're working slowly, they're just not working. That's why I switched to the pellet. Hopefully they'll kick in and a year from now I will have had some actual changes. The last two and a half years, though, have pretty much been a complete waste. Sad, but it's true. The damn pills just didn't work.

I appreciate you saying I look different. I don't see it. I won't be happy until I can walk down the street and not get "sir'd" by every stranger that I meet. At this point I think the only way I have a fighting chance at that is with facial feminization surgery. Which, after a year on the pellet, I might have to consider, if I'm not at that point yet. Actually, I'm almost a hundred percent positive I will need it in the next year or two.

[eversonpoe]

i told the bassist from my band / my close friend Dan (he was the only dude in our whole wedding party) tonight about my plan to transition and he had the best reaction i could have hoped for.
he said congratulations, he said if i ever need to talk to him about any aspect of it, or need any kind of support, to not hesitate to ask, and he said that he's always viewed things like
transitioning as being not a big deal (in terms of it affecting other people; it's obviously a big change, but not a BAD one, and not one that anyone else has any business messing with).

it was so heartwarming and encouraging, and he's such an open-minded and intelligent person, and i'm glad i have someone like him in my support system. it took me a long time to find male friends who are actually good people and i'm glad he was the first of them.

oh, and i also shaved my beard...

[Dra508]

i told the bassist from my band / my close friend Dan (he was the only dude in our whole wedding party) tonight about my plan to transition and he had the best reaction i could have hoped for.
he said congratulations, he said if i ever need to talk to him about any aspect of it, or need any kind of support, to not hesitate to ask, and he said that he's always viewed things like
transitioning as being not a big deal (in terms of it affecting other people; it's obviously a big change, but not a BAD one, and not one that anyone else has any business messing with).

it was so heartwarming and encouraging, and he's such an open-minded and intelligent person, and i'm glad i have someone like him in my support system. it took me a long time to find male friends who are actually good people and i'm glad he was the first of them.

oh, and i also shaved my beard...

You have an amazing friend. And you look so different without a beard :O

[kel]

@eversonpoe you look great! SO SO SOOO proud of you!

[theruiner]

@eversonpoe- I am so, so proud of you, my friend. I know how much you've struggled with this and I am so excited for you. This is a huge step and there are SO MANY amazing things to look forward to on this journey. I look forward to hearing about them and seeing how things change.

Also, this will give us even more that we will have in common. Like there wasn't enough already. :P

[Dra508]

http://www.pbs.org/newshour/rundown/...r-adolescents/