The Transgender Thread

[Hula]

I adore you for starting this thread, ruiner.

Let's see... Genderqueer-identifying transmasculine is probably closest thing to a comfortable label for me. In short, I was born female, I I.D. as male and would like to transition physically at some point, but there are aspects of femininity that I still want to hold onto so at times it's easier to identify as cisfemale. My dysphoria's mostly physical—I haven't felt comfortable with my chest or what's between my legs in a long time, and things that would normally be considered undesirable in a girl (broad shoulders, narrow hips, plain facial features) have always been my favourite parts of my body. I do get social dysphoria from time to time in the sense that I feel a bit ill when people refer to me by female pronouns; worse than that is when friends who know about my gender issues make quips about me being 'such a girl' as though my behaviour is dictated by the fact that I have two X chromosomes. It's not so much about what's expected of me as a female, though; it's more about my body. Part of what's kept me from seeking medical transition is the knowledge that even if, after hormone treatment, people started to read me as a guy, I'd still physically be female for the most part. I prefer to pretend I'm gender-free in that respect.

To touch upon what allegro asked theruiner: things did get a little easier for me once I started I.D.ing as gender fluid rather than exclusively FTM, but it didn't change the fact that I'm female-bodied or that looking at pictures of men makes me ache to be something I'm really not. I'm kind of back to square one now because the physical dysphoria has returned with a vengeance and I'm now working somewhere that it's probably never going to be okay for me to come out, so I have to put up with being called 'she' all day and face the fact that I honest-to-god cannot do the same manual labour that my cismale workmates can.

Interesting side note—people seem to have an easier time accepting me as a transman than they do accepting me as a guy who acts/dresses in a girly way sometimes. That was the only real issue my friend (the first person I came out to) had with me being trans. Go figure.

[theruiner]

I adore you for starting this thread, ruiner.

No prob!

To touch upon what allegro asked theruiner: things did get a little easier for me once I started I.D.ing as gender fluid rather than exclusively FTM, but it didn't change the fact that I'm female-bodied or that looking at pictures of men makes me ache to be something I'm really not.

Oh God, TOTALLY absolutely right on. Almost every time I see a woman or even a picture of a woman it hits me like a ton of bricks. It's this incredibly depressing feeling that just washes over me. I've had it my entire life.