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Thread: The Relationship Thread

  1. #3031
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    The more you hear "It's not you, it's me" the less you believe it.

  2. #3032
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    my marriage has been pretty horrible for a long time now: years.
    my wife has been depressed for a long time now: years.
    we often have this image of depressed people, that they are meek and victim-like, but living with a depressed person who is not only miserable but seemingly determined to make you miserable too is pretty hard.
    I can't let myself be brought down into a negative state: I wasted too much of my life that way. I'm 40 now: I've got to stay positive in order to stay healthy, my physical health depends upon it.
    I don't really know what to do about this or where it goes from here: when I bring it up it boils down to me being the bad guy. I'm too lazy, don't do my fair share, am not motivated enough, too passive, not supportive, resentful etc etc. Maybe all this is true: could I be the cause of her despair?
    It's true I am resentful. Resentful of feeling unloved for years, for starters. And I am guilty of withholding affection when I feel wronged, I know I need to work on not doing that.
    I don't think a new baby, which she wants, but has not happened in 2+ years, is going to fix this.
    I'm hoping the move, change of scenery is going to help, but I dunno.
    Every time I feel we're on an upward incline we tumble back down again.

  3. #3033
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    Quote Originally Posted by aggroculture View Post
    it boils down to me being the bad guy
    Maybe from her perspective this is true, but I'd have a few thoughts here: If you weren't, and if she has depression, someone or something else would be. It also sounds like the things you're doing wrong are, short of being resentful, more a matter of things you're not doing than what you are. If she's clearly expressing her needs/wants to you and you're just ignoring them, that's one thing, but I'd bet there are a lot unclear/unvoiced desires there. And, this is a reach so I may be off base, general unhappiness with her situation that she can fill with a you-shaped thing. If you are the cause of a lot of her unhappiness, she should be able to figure out those things to a more specific degree.

    I will say that like... emotional/domestic labor frequently being out of balance in hetero couples is legit. And a lot of guys respond to things with "well if you let me know what I need to do, I'll do it" -- not realizing that identifying the things in the first place is its own amount of work and skill. If that's what she's frustrated with, it may be worth figuring out what you can proactively handle in the future, but like, ugh, depression is a beast.

    I know this has been going on for a really long time at this point, I remember your posts over the years. I'm sorry y'all are both suffering and I hope things get better.

  4. #3034
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    I usually only get any explanation at all when I confront her about it, after long periods of passive aggressive behavior on her part (sarcasm, impatient responses, a general attitude of intolerance or contempt). I've read this article https://www.theguardian.com/world/20...d-chores-comic and I get it, and I recognize I am guilty of doing this. What the piece doesn't go into is that I find I will often get shot down or criticized when I take the initiative or suggest something: no, we can't do that; no, that's wrong; no, let's do this instead, etc. When we had our baby the default mode was "I know better than you how to go about this" and I could do nothing right, and we discussed this, and it improved, and for a while I took on the role of the primary caregiver. But then that shifted back partly because she felt she was missing out on being a mom.
    These days I find I don't have the energy to argue about every single domestic decision, but if I let her do everything her way I'm making her do all the work.

  5. #3035
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    Have y'all considered or talked about going to see a counselor? It seems like what you are saying is a lot of issues are stemming from miscommunication or just a total lack of it.

    I know that from my personal experience with depression, I most definitely am NOT myself during those times. When I come out of it, I usually have a lot of apologizing to do for just kinda checking out from everything for a while. But I usually keep to myself because I KNOW that I would say some shit I don't mean when I am really down. I get mad so easy, and it isn't worth it. For me, it's better to cancel plans and apologize for that than to say or do some hurtful shit to the people that I care about. But you guys are married and have a child, so I know that can't really be an option at all. Everyone needs to be somewhat present and accounted for.

    Where are you moving?

    Also I will never understand how not showing affection to someone when times are bad is considered a negative thing. Like if there is a lot of tension and things aren't going well, the last thing I want to do is to be affectionate with someone. :\

  6. #3036
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    So, I randomly ran into my 'one that got away' at a comedy gig in Dublin the other night. I've been emotionally all over the place since. Sad songs and wine last night. OH, HI AGAIN, EMOTIONAL SCAR THAT NEVER REALLY HEALED.

  7. #3037
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    I ran into my one that got away at the mall a couple months ago. He was with his new girlfriend.

  8. #3038
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    Two things on my mind, lately: I think like, going forward with people I see, I need some sort of "must be this proactive about emotional labor to ride" sign or something. I like the people in my life but maaaan I hate when something awkward happens that is prompted by one of them and then *I* am the person who feels the need to smooth out the situation for everybody. WHEN I DIDN'T EVEN DO THE THING. And then you have people in your life who you ALREADY LIKE who are bad at it and it's TOO LATE NOW because you like them and womp

    Also, thankfully this is currently not the case, but holy shit I should not date anyone I feel competitive towards (and it's rare I feel competitive towards people so easy enough). Like, unless they're some sort of hella dominant person I admire where them consistently being smarter/better at shit than me just feels good, and I'm a happy loser, it gets real bad.
    Last edited by playwithfire; 09-05-2017 at 08:08 AM.

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