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Thread: The Relationship Thread

  1. #1531
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    Quote Originally Posted by elevenism View Post
    HAhahahahhaha. Yes, i am opiated on occasion. her, not so much. does being on opiates make one predisposed to getting beat?
    I don't know about that, but it can turn someone into a violent asshole. (Which doesn't in any way excuse the physical abuse.) However, if she's not using very much, than that theory goes out the window.

  2. #1532
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    I think opiates make me more of an insufferable whiny bitch than a violent asshole.

  3. #1533
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    Quote Originally Posted by elevenism View Post
    I think opiates make me more of an insufferable whiny bitch than a violent asshole.
    Do they affect her the same way? My fuse was definitely shortened when I used them.

  4. #1534
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    Really? I guess we all have different reactions. But she really doesnt get hold of any. And as for me, i just get sensitive.
    She has been coming off effexor, so her mood swings are pretty fucked up. i've been trying to be understanding, but the emotional shit is pretty rough too.
    Like yesterday i got bitched at for starting to give her a back rub. I got bitched at for trying to give her a hug. I bought presents for her to send to her children and she told me how stupid the presents were. My mom asked me to get coffee and she ripped my ass because we already had coffee. My mother just wanted a fresh thing of coffee...she had sent me to the store...it's her money. But yes, my girl wanted to have a screaming match over it.
    I just refused to engage her. i don't know what the fuck to do. This is NOT the woman i fell in love with. My family, on my mom's side, is pretty well off, and we live in the family estate house right now...just the two of us and my mom. I'm starting to wish my girl wasn't here. I am on eggshells all the time because i dont want her to say hurtful things to me. But, as i stated before, she'll mock and hurt me for buying her a fucking gift, for christ's sake. And to top it all off she has this NASTy attitude of entitlement...she doesnt do SHIT, and thinks she has the absolute right to just lay on her ass here and sleep all the time...and god help me if i turn on the tv or the light while she's sleeping...in my own fucking bedroom!
    Dont get me wrong, we've had some wonderful times, but this shit is getting out of hand. I can't stand being around someone who professes to love me but is just seething hatred half the time. I flat out dont break up with people, but if this shit goes on much longer, im gonna have to.
    im hoping and praying it's just the effexor withdrawal.
    ok i'm venting and rambling...but thank y'all for listening. You know, ETS is the only place i could say all this shit. Everyone i know talks to much, you know? I am very grateful for it.

  5. #1535
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    I think you need to start respecting yourself and stop putting up with all that abusive behavior. Just because you're a guy doesn't mean you are not being abused. Amirite?

  6. #1536
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    I think you need to start respecting yourself and stop putting up with all that abusive behavior. Just because you're a guy doesn't mean you are not being abused. Amirite?

  7. #1537
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    Quote Originally Posted by elevenism View Post
    ok i'm venting and rambling...but thank y'all for listening. You know, ETS is the only place i could say all this shit. Everyone i know talks to much, you know? I am very grateful for it.
    Dude, whatever the fuck is "making" her act this way, you sure as shit shouldn't be putting up with it for ONE SECOND LONGER. You really need to tell your family that you are going to give her a deadline for her exit (so you have support in case she goes apeshit and tries to stab you when you drop the news on her) and then you need to sit down and give her a really quick deadline for her to get out. Seriously. Maybe you two can eventually "work things out" but this kind of behavior is completely intolerable and she needs to get her shit together while she's living somewhere else. Do NOT put up with this shit, because it WILL get worse.

  8. #1538
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    People have triggers based on past trauma and so do I. When someone says, 'I could see us being friends for life.' I want to stop them and say, "You don't get to just volunteer yourself my friend for life. It takes more than simply saying those words, and funny thing, most of the people who've said shit like that to me are no longer in my life at best. At worst those "friends" betrayed me horribly. Another funny thing: the friends I've actually had for life never felt the need to say stupid shit like that, they've just been there for me for a really long time."

    So I guess I'm feeling the sting of rejection right now, except that it's not really even that. I know if I worked at it I could get through the barriers and jump through the hoops, but I'm choosing not to. The worst part of it is that I've known this person isn't right for me from the beginning and my heart still hurts anyway. That really bothers me. And anyway, I'm worn out; I can't prop up any more broken people (which this person clearly is).

  9. #1539
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    @elevenism , where did your balls go?

  10. #1540
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    The Relationship Thread

    With the Vicodyn?
    Last edited by allegro; 03-11-2014 at 09:56 PM.

  11. #1541
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    Quote Originally Posted by allegro View Post
    With the Vicodyn?
    She still lets me take my balls every once in awhile, like if i'm going to jam with a metal-core band, but she usually keeps them in her purse.

    What you are saying all makes sense, and i damn sure appreciate the advice.
    The thing is, she didn't fucking used to be like this.
    I thought she was the one. i love her so fucking much but she treats me bad.
    I just keep thinking things will be the way they used to at some point.

    Tonight was another nightmare, with me trying to have a talk with her and her just flat out refusing, and again, being really fucking nasty to me.
    She insisted that we sleep and talk in the morning, but i wanted to talk NOW, damnit!
    So i talked, and she was fucking MEAN, MEAN MEAN!
    Maybe tomorrow's "talk" will be better.
    But i doubt it.

    It is so fucking hard to realize that the one you love, the one you adore, the one to whom you are engaged...
    seemingly can't POSSIBLY love you, doesn't give a fuck how bad she hurts you, and probably doesn't love you like you love her...if she loves you at all


  12. #1542
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    That's sad, dude. :-(

  13. #1543
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    Quote Originally Posted by elevenism View Post
    She still lets me take my balls every once in awhile, like if i'm going to jam with a metal-core band, but she usually keeps them in her purse.

    What you are saying all makes sense, and i damn sure appreciate the advice.
    The thing is, she didn't fucking used to be like this.
    I thought she was the one. i love her so fucking much but she treats me bad.
    I just keep thinking things will be the way they used to at some point.

    Tonight was another nightmare, with me trying to have a talk with her and her just flat out refusing, and again, being really fucking nasty to me.
    She insisted that we sleep and talk in the morning, but i wanted to talk NOW, damnit!
    So i talked, and she was fucking MEAN, MEAN MEAN!
    Maybe tomorrow's "talk" will be better.
    But i doubt it.

    It is so fucking hard to realize that the one you love, the one you adore, the one to whom you are engaged...
    seemingly can't POSSIBLY love you, doesn't give a fuck how bad she hurts you, and probably doesn't love you like you love her...if she loves you at all

    as someone who was in an abusive relationship (mostly emotional; she was manipulative and controlling to a terrifying extent and was extremely cruel, but she did get physical on more than one occasion) for four years (and we were engaged for two of those years), i urge you to end this. if she is treating you this way, she is not the person you love anymore. and if she is refusing to do anything about it, then she does not deserve your love.

    not every relationship is perfect, don't get me wrong. but there is some seriously fucked up shit going on, and i don't want to see you get hurt. yes, it's going to suck emotionally, because you're invested in her, but you will recover, i promise. you will not recover, however, if she decides to increase the amount of violence being done toward you.

    please, please find your way out of this situation in the best way possible. sometimes self-preservation comes at great cost. stay strong.

  14. #1544
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    Broke up with my partner earlier today. Feel really shitty, never been this depressed by a break up. Other fish in the sea yada yada yada. I'll recover eventually I guess. Just typing stream of consciousness because I'm anonymous hehe. Trying to get my thoughts in order.

  15. #1545
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    What's the general consensus around here on long distance relationships?
    Ever been in one? Ever considered it? Know anyone who's been in one?

  16. #1546
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    Quote Originally Posted by The_Prowler View Post
    What's the general consensus around here on long distance relationships?
    Ever been in one? Ever considered it? Know anyone who's been in one?
    I was in one (me in the US, him in the UK) for about 3 years. We lived together in the US for brief periods during that time and visited as much as we could but mostly were apart. Now 5 years later, we're married and live in the same country thank fuck! It was really hard but worth it in the end imo. It's one of those things where I wouldn't recommend it for everyone but is possible.

  17. #1547
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    I was in a long distance... thing... for about 10 months. We never called it a relationship, but in hindsight, that's definitely how I treated it. He was REALLY terrible at communication. I don't think I would willingly do a long distance thing again unless I had a really strong foundation with the person and it was for a temporary period of time AND they were a strong communicator. Long distance is HARD and I just doubt I'd be willing. I know a ton of people who have had success with it, though.

    My boyfriend and I joke that we're in a long distance relationship due to being about 2 hours apart by public transit in spite of living in the same city, but it's just not the same.

  18. #1548
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    i'm not going to say that long distance doesn't work, but the odds are certainly stacked against you.

  19. #1549
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    Long distance: you need a plan and it can work. Is there a goal, to be together at some point? Are we working towards that goal together?
    I also think that when two people are together and one moves away, and it becomes long distance - especially without a plan to join up on the other side - then to me that is a red flag that the relationship is done or at least in trouble: that's my personal experience and I've seen it often in friends.

  20. #1550
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    Quote Originally Posted by aggroculture View Post
    Long distance: you need a plan and it can work. Is there a goal, to be together at some point? Are we working towards that goal together?
    I also think that when two people are together and one moves away, and it becomes long distance - especially without a plan to join up on the other side - then to me that is a red flag that the relationship is done or at least in trouble: that's my personal experience and I've seen it often in friends.
    I agree. I'm currently in a long distance relationship - 1,562 miles to be exact and we've had a ton of opportunity (and funds) to see each other at least every two/three weeks. It works for us, but like aggroculture says, you have to have a plan. This is something we have to talk more about.

    Relative to love in general, I found this guys take on love interesting. http://huff.to/1i6vo8C I wish is was entirely possible, I'm not sure if love is that idyllic .

  21. #1551
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    If the love is there, it's DAMN sure possible. I had a 3 year engagement that would have ended in marriage if it weren't for my cold feet, and the first seven months were long distance.
    Trust becomes more important than in a regular relationship because the possibilities of infidelity with impunity are far more prevalent.
    It helps if you are both homebodies and can spend your free time talking A LOT. My ex and i sent like 100 texts each per day and spoke for a couple of hours nearly every day. Phone sex helps, as does seeing one another at least every six to eight weeks.
    I think it can be really special, because you get to know each other so much better on a semi-platonic level. That can build an amazingly strong, DEEP relationship. It's not about fucking you know? it's about talking and caring.
    So i say fuck yes it's possible and maybe even desirable, provided you both feel "it" VERY strongly. Oh yeah. And make it NOT long distance as quick as you can.
    And do be careful...i've seen many sweet and faithful lover get hurt in these situations by partners who weren't serious.

  22. #1552
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    hi I'm James and I'm having relationship problems.
    Sooo.. I've been with my partner, and now wife for 8 years, and we got married two years ago. Which is crazy, that time has flown by. The last month I noticed she wasn't talking to me, we barely had sex (and hadn't been particularly regular the last.. year?) and then last week all talking stopped and she started shutting herself in the living room and coming to bed late. I knew she was talking to her friends a lot, and it wasn't like we stopped being civil etc. But.. this was driving me mad.. so I finally found it in me to say 'let's talk'. And we did. And while we did I realised this is the first time in years, we've really talked, about who we are, why we do things. Prior to this last month, I realised I was slipping into depression, and I hadn't talked to her about it, even though she has been through counselling and CTB before. I realised so many things about myself that had become not characteristics, but problems.
    While this was going on, my wife said she had been feeling that we couldn't talk, and that I was just bottling up all my feelings. And she had found other people to talk to, she promised that she had not done anything 'bad' but she was finding strength in a new group of friends, which she has never really had before (see CTB and counselling above).. and she was feeling that (and starting to plan for) she could only really be herself if we split up and eventually divorce..
    We are still talking.. and even had a holiday planned next week.. which we are intending to split in half (wife is going to Ireland for a few days, then we are both going to Iceland).. I'm seeing a counsellor about my own issues. But I'm really scared.. I'm scared that I've bottled things up for so long we can't continue.. I've got that horrid feeling of guilt that I need to change.. but I already knew that, I just never accepted it... Oh.. what a mess.. I could write an essay right now about my head and feelings...
    Last edited by liquidcalm; 03-19-2014 at 10:05 AM.

  23. #1553
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    the fact that you're talking about things is actually a huge plus. it doesn't sound like it's too late for you guys to work things out, if you start taking steps now that the issue has been identified. most people don't even get the opportunity to work things out before it's too late. make the most of it!

  24. #1554
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    Quote Originally Posted by The_Prowler View Post
    What's the general consensus around here on long distance relationships?
    Ever been in one? Ever considered it? Know anyone who's been in one?
    Long distance works - if both people know what it involves and have the kind of personalities that can accommodate it.

    Some people absolutely need physical touch, and they need it frequently. Probably not a good fit for them.
    Some people just need to feel loved, and there are tons of ways to express that from afar.

    So far, my only truly satisfying relationship was long distance. We'd see each other for brief periods when I wasn't on tour, and then we'd communicate via other means when I was gone. She was super busy as a dual doctorate student, and I was working 12-18 hour days and in a different city and state every 3-5 days, so we understood each other in that regard. But when we had time, we'd write each other letters. Actual, pen and paper, stamped envelope letters. And I loved that woman more than anyone who's ever lived in the same city as me. (Background: we worked together for three years about a decade ago, so we actually knew each other).

    Lots of my roadie colleagues are married and have families. Some only do it for a few years and then leave the road because they want to be with their families, but others have been at it for literally decades and have some of the most loving and dedicated relationships I've ever seen. But ultimately, you need to make sure that both of you know that you can be comfortable in a relationship that lacks the physicality of seeing someone in your own area. Truthfully, I believe that's the only major hurdle.

  25. #1555
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    Errrr liquidcalm sounds the bells buddy alert status red.

    I would suggest you prepare for your wife eventually leaving you. At this point, I don't know how much you can personally do to stop it. And I'm not sure if I would take all of the blame yourself either though.

    How many times did she actually try to talk to you during that stretch? As someone who has dealt with similar issues herself, did she not see the signs you were having and try to help at all? Instead it seems like she simply walled herself off, and let you do your thing. She was enjoying the space instead of being concerned about it, and it's gotten to the point where the more you try and salvage the more you are going to be boxing her in. This whole time there was this budding problem but never once did it occur to her to try and talk to you? That's a huge red flag. Maybe I'm wrong and you were super combative when she tried, but it definitely seems like you got a little blindsided here, and it doesn't seem to be as a result of a lack of communication on your end, since you were kind of obliviously floating in the wind for the most part, as a lot of married guys are wont to do, tis their nature.

    It's sad to say, but the best you can do right now is try and take care of yourself. Let her go be free and experience a bunch of shit as she has her own little crisis. She'll probably cheat on you. And either she'll come out of that realizing she's a different person than that fell in love with you, OR she'll realize she's been a moron, and come back and apologize and you get all your hand in the relationship back.

    I'm not saying don't be communicative to her, or shut down, or stop trying, far from it. I'm just saying natural instinct is to fight here and I really don't know how much fighting for her will accomplish at this time. I'd be more focused on trying to find similar outlets to the one she has, so you can find the same satisfaction. Cause if you don't change, and if you are who you are now and you end of being ok with that, then at least you'll have a safety net when the shit comes crashing down. In marriage your spouse is supposed to be that net for you, and right now unfortunately it seems she is more focused on herself and her personal growth than being half of a whole. That is a huge warning sign of things to come. Never hurts to be prepared.

  26. #1556
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    I don't know. I'd say @liquidcalm is doing the right thing. He's done a lot of describing things that have gone wrong in the past, and this talk has revealed the explanations for the past. But the story now is that they are talking and the way they are talking suggests they care about this. The plans of leaving each other came from the period of not talking. I totally understand why it feels like there are essays to write and that nothing is ever getting better - the same happened to me last year and because things didn't immediately become better when I opened up, I spiralled. I think spending time together - and this holiday - might be useful. It's going to be REALLY DIFFICULT and they're going to have to work out what to give in order to get. And he himself needs to sort out this depression issue independent of her to an extent. I do agree with most of @Agent of Chaos's last two paragraphs though. She clearly likes these new friends and he needs to have other stuff going on too. It'll enrich the relationship at best.

  27. #1557
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    ta both,
    I feel right now that Yeah, I need to sort myself the hell out. I had my first counselling session, it was good, I left feeling.. weird, but in a good way.
    I have that torn feeling of being so happy she is a functioning/happy (in someways) human being again, that she has confidence, and almost anger that its coming at a time where I have been at my lowest and can't help but entertain the thought that she's been driven away by my lack of.. anything.. apathy..
    This last week I've been like a shell, just wondering what I need to do, but I know I have to be better, with or without her.

  28. #1558
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    Now that I've finally been on both ends of this, just a quick poll:

    Dumping vs being dumped. Which one is worse?

  29. #1559
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    Quote Originally Posted by theimage13 View Post
    Now that I've finally been on both ends of this, just a quick poll:

    Dumping vs being dumped. Which one is worse?
    i think it all depends on context.

    every time i broke up with my evil ex (the abusive one), it took SO MUCH out of me, partly because i was so terrified of her. and then it left me feeling empty and worthless (like she would often make me feel during our relationship) because of how manipulative she had been. she made me feel like i was nothing without her, so that's how i would end up feeling. i was always breaking up with her to save myself, but it felt like i was destroying myself.

  30. #1560
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    Quote Originally Posted by liquidcalm View Post
    ta both,
    I feel right now that Yeah, I need to sort myself the hell out. I had my first counselling session, it was good, I left feeling.. weird, but in a good way.
    I have that torn feeling of being so happy she is a functioning/happy (in someways) human being again, that she has confidence, and almost anger that its coming at a time where I have been at my lowest and can't help but entertain the thought that she's been driven away by my lack of.. anything.. apathy..
    This last week I've been like a shell, just wondering what I need to do, but I know I have to be better, with or without her.
    Keep talking and working on yourself. Either way, that will help you to get better.

    I can't believe I'm agreeing with @AgentofChaos , he's style is stark and somewhat harsh, but he's stating, what you probably or will already know: you're at a rocky spot that may or may not be salvageable. I'd give you much more hope specifically as you explained, when you approached her, she spoke freely about what is bothering her. I think, having been there, If she was completely checked out of your relationship already, she'd more likely have brushed you off.

    It sounds trite, but it takes two to be in a relationship. As much as you both recognize that you have depression issues that you definitely have to deal with, you should have an expectation that she be supportive and you should express to her how best she can be.

    Take care of yourself.

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