The Relationship Thread

[tony.parente]

I went to clean the microwave this morning and it was already clean. I look over at the wife and was all "...did you clean the microwave?" And she was all "yeah".


My wife is dope as fuck.

[Swykk]

Broke it off with my girlfriend recently. She was very cold and non reactionary...definitely not on purpose which made it harder to end things. It wasn't going to work, though.

[theimage13]

Broke it off with my girlfriend recently. She was very cold and non reactionary...definitely not on purpose which made it harder to end things. It wasn't going to work, though.

Liked for making the tough but right choice of moving on instead of trying to squeeze blood from a stone. I had relationships like that before that I just kept dragging on and on because I was too afraid to be the one to break it off. Wish I hadn't wasted as much time as I had on those people.

[blake]

This afternoon, since it's Mothers Day, I went with my dad (step-father, actually, but he's the man who raised me, so he's "Dad", to me) to visit his mother in the hospital. She's my step-grandmother but we've never gotten as close as most kids and grandparents do, mainly because she's had dementia for a long time and sometimes doesn't even remember Dad too well. She's always been super nice to me, though.

One of her nurses certainly got my attention. Beautiful, with long dark hair, big brown eyes and great legs. Definitely my kind of girl. i did as well as I could trying to talk her up a bit and finally found out we share a love of playing music. She plays several instruments, including piano, guitar, and violin. I play guitar and bass, with a bit of harmonica thrown in, too. She told me some of her neighbors and relatives gather a lot on weekends at her neighbor's house to jam together. It's mostly acoustic and these are likely country music people, so I suppose pickin' is more appropriate than jamming.

She said I should come join them sometime. She lives in a small, neighboring town and started to tell me how to find them. Then, she said she'd just write it down for me. She left the room and while she was gone, a couple more relatives came into the room. When she came back everyone was talking, so she said she had others to check on and had to get busy, but handed me a folded note, saying it was the directions.

I was a little disappointed because I had intended to ask for her phone number, too. Oh well, I hoped to see her again at the hospital, maybe, and get it then. Or perhaps she didn't want to give it out. Or maybe has a boyfriend. She's so good looking, it's hard to imagine she isn't already in a relationship of some kind. That's usually the way it works out for me - they're already involved.

When I got home, I looked at her directions, and at the bottom was her phone number! Score! Now I just have to figure out how to not sound like a tongue tied idiot when I call her.

[playwithfire]

Sigh, I'm in a weird headspace this year. Not concerned by it and am sure I'll come out the other side feeling better about myself -- but I feel like I've just sort of resigned myself to being a kind of shitty person/I like myself less than I used to. (Please spare me the "but Lydia! You're not!" -- yes, I get it.) Given how terrible I seem to make my ex feel/the amount of fuckups under my belt in that arena... I just want space from that. I want to not end up hurting his feelings/to have to justify myself to him/to do all of that emotional labor. I feel kinda distant from our mutual friend group, and I know it's my fault (my mental health was pretty bad last year and I isolated super hard), but so much of my feelings about that are very much in the "fine, I don't need people" headspace, regardless. I don't want a relationship with anyone right now, deeply, not because of this. Being single is great and I am very content with that. But running parallel to that is the feeling that I have no business being in a relationship with anyone. Yeah, weird semi-self-loathing stuff.

[Bachy]

Well, I have my first date since February this weekend.

[Sarah K]

I have a good friend who I play with in a kink context pretty often. We make out, but nothing too sexual has really happened. He has made it clear that he is interested in us pursuing something more meaningful, but I'm not interested in being serious with him, or anyone else right now. And even if it wasn't bad timing, I still wouldn't be into seriously dating him.

BUT I care about him a LOT, and he just got his heart broken a few months ago. I want us to remain close friends and play partners, but I don't know how to have that conversation at all. Like generally when I'm not interested in someone, I'm not interested in them at all. But he's important to me and I want us to remain close. How do I delicately tell him that I like playing with him, but there won't ever be anything between us beyond a friendship level? I've been avoiding the conversation for like four days because I'm an asshole.

EDIT - HAHA. My question is basically... "How do I get my friend to take rejection well". Lord.

[tony.parente]

@Sarah K
Fart around him a lot. Belch. Talk about how Trump doesn't really seem all that bad.

[Sarah K]

Hahaha. None of that would phase him. He gets me riled up before we play by reciting Trump propaganda to me.

[tony.parente]

Sarah: "yeah tell me about his policies"
Him: "yeah you would like that you democratic slut, you'd like me to tell you about his plans to identify all Muslims wouldn't you?"
Sarah: "oh please, keep going"
Him: "You like how he denies climate changes don't you, you dirty little socialist"

[ManBurning]

PART 1/2
(got message that it was too long: "The text that you have entered is too long (25094 characters). Please shorten it to 20000 characters long". So the following message is split into 2 parts).

Holy smokes, how the hell is anybody supposed to meet anyone in 2016!? I am recently getting out of a 6 year relationship (Hard to say if it was by choice or not. More on this later), but I am jumping back into the dating scene from having been absent from it from quite some time, and it almost feels like I have no idea what is going on anymore!

I've been on all the big name dating sites, and boy oh boy are they ever a steaming pile of trash heap. I've even caved in and got a tinder account (after having deleted my Facebook account at the beginning of the year and washing my hands free of that filth, I had to come crawling back to that as well), but that app doesn't even work! It's even worse than a dating site. At least you have the option of messaging someone on a dating site. You're not relying on luck of the draw.

*sigh* Did you want that backstory now about how my relationship ended? I don't usually dip into my personal life on online web forums, but I've been pretty down lately and I kinda need to get this off my chest. Figured this was a good place to start. Brace yourself, this is about to get long... like TLR "too long". I'll try and keep it as short as possible...

For the most part, our relationship did not have any issues for the first 5.5 years of it. We never fought. Things were good. This was also my longest relationship. Guess I should add that in. For the most part it was healthy. I mean, my ex had major self esteem issues, but - who doesn't? We're all our own worst critics. But, I think a lot of it may stem from her childhood. She said she never had a good relationship with her parents as a kid, especially her father. She would always tell me things about him yelling and screaming at her and her sisters. Throwing things, being violent. Now, she never told me if he was physically abusive to her, I have no idea. But I know she definitely suffers some sort of emotional scarring from her upbringing.

Anyway, this will be valuable information for 2 key points in this story. This first one, sometimes she would hit herself in the head. I'm talking, really fucking hard. She claims it was because she was a failure and couldn't do anything right. Sometimes over really small insignificant things. Like... hmm... I'm trying to think of an example, ah... Let's say we were playing a video game and she failed at it. She would start hitting herself in the head. She did this a few times with company over. Just start whaling on herself on how much of a failure she was. For no reason... This was one thing that bothered me. I couldn't quite understand why she was doing it, because the things she was doing it over, were nothing to get upset about.

Anyway, other than that... the relationship was fine. These outbursts didn't happen too often, but they happened enough. Couple times a month, from what I saw anyway. Other times, she would flip out at service workers. One time she flipped out at a subway worker and threw her sandwich at them and stormed out... (I'm starting to think I should be posting this in the mental health and depression thread.... trust me, I feel like posting there as well... I have never been more depressed in my life than I am now...) A few other times, she had little fits at the airport of all places. I'm not sure why I always just figured this was normal behavior... maybe I just turned he other cheek to it. I just loved her, I was just there for her. I knew she meant well... I donno. I mean, thinking back at this, this ain't normal... but, at the time of her doing it, I just thought it was regular stuff people did when they got upset...

OK, so that's a little bit of backstory for the first 5.5 years of the relationship. For the most part, things between us went well though. She didn't really flip out on me from what I can remember. Maybe I just chose to forgive and forget? OK, so I feel the need to write the next part in because I think this plays a significant part in her... ahem... downward spiral.

Last summer, I had a friend from Winnipeg, great friend, fantastic friend move here to Vancouver. I've known this guy for like 18 years. So he's like a brother to me. I understand that moving city's is HARD. Especially when you don't know ANYBODY (like me. I moved here in 2006 and didn't know a goddamn person), so since he already had the upper hand on me, I invited him to come live with us (ex and I - She was OK with this at the time), until he was able to get on his feet... You know... job, place to live etc. The original plan was for him to stay at least a month (that's how long these things take right?), it basically took him 3 mths to get the fuck out. You cold tell both my ex and I were getting pretty antsy about having him around all the time. It turned into a real life "You, Me and Dupree" film. Every day I would leave for work to him sitting in the living room on the internet on his PC watching YouTube videos... OK, sure whatever, eh? But... I would return home 9 hrs later to him.... sitting in the same spot, watching YouTube videos... OK, this can no longer happen...

Ex said, you have to tell him to leave, he's your friend, I don't want to offend him. Get him out of here by the time we leave for Portland (we were going to Portland mid October). (it was like end of September at this point), so I told him "Hey man, now that you have a job, you should find your own place now. The sooner you do that, the sooner your wife can come back from Japan to be with you (She was visiting family while he "got his shit together" for her to come back to), So I basically had to force him to look at Craigslist at that point because he didn't want to. I told him "We need you out by Oct 1st man"

So, he found his place for Oct 1st. Everything was good again... or was it?

Shortly after this, this is where shit REALLY hit the fan. Ex now starts lying to me about where she is. She says she is out with her best friend. Or whatever other excuses she used. Guess where she was? Hospital. Fast Forward a bit, mid September, we were all supposed to meet this one day to go to this event. I had vacation time, so I had the day off. It was a week day, she had to work. We were supposed to meet her at this event around... 6:00. I think that's the time it would have taken her to get there from work anyway. She texts me at 7pm saying "got caught up at work I'll leave shortly Caught up at work? She knew this event was time sensitive... she should have put her phone down at logged off at her shift end time, how does one get "caught up at work" for more than 2 hours????

Anyway, when she FINALLY arrived, the event was almost over and she was super depressed. Like not herself. I could tell something was wrong. She was acting funny. She wouldn't admit to anything. She everything was great but it wasn't. I could tell.

fast forward back to November, when she was lying where she was. She was at the crisis line at the hospital. That's where she was that day back in September as well. So, it all made sense. She called my Employee and Family assistance line at work that help people. She told them she couldn't function anymore and wanted to die. The told her to go to the ER. She did. Spent the whole day there. They wanted to give her Anti-depressants, but she didn't want to take them, she knew how much they can fuck with your system (I can attest to this... I took 'em when I was younger and they fucked me up more than the depression ever did...). I guess they are good for certain types of people, but the certainly were not right for me. Anyway, she mulled them over herself for close to 3 months. (She never told me she was considering them. I had no idea any of this shit was going on).

So finally, she cracks one cold November day. Pops her first pill. Then she tells me she has confessions to make about where she has been and what she has been doing all this time. OK. So I feel a little betrayed that she couldn't tell me these things earlier so I could support her and give my honest opinion etc, but at the same time, I'm glad she at least got help and eventually told me. It is what it is. She did the right thing in the end. But now, we have to deal with these damn pills. So the pills, start giving her all sorts of INSANE side effects. She was super super careless about everything. Almost like a zombie. Just so emotionless. Didn't give a flying fuck about anything or anything. She virtually could not feel emotion anymore. She couldn't love not to mention all the physical side effects including Shaking, Insomnia, Chills, Fever, major major weight loss and of course crazy sexual side effects. let me be the first to say, our relationship never suffered sexually. We were incredibly sexually active. Both were able to bring each other to climax no problem. That changed now.... We would try and get her to climax for HOURS to the point where she would be so fed up, and I wasn't even hard anymore. It sucked. We had never suffered sexually like this before. It was the healthiest part of our relationship. I didn't like this.

Started researching her side effects online and ways around them. The more I read, the more I feared. Tons of articles and even poor souls in my situation begging for help on online forums about how their partner (males and females) both just CHANGED overnight. Like, different people. Careless, loveless, emotionless zombies. People were begging for their spouse back. The person they fell in love with was gone. All this seemed way too familiar to me, it was exactly what was happening with my relationship!!
So I asked her to toy with the idea of scaling back her dose or talking to her DR about other methods to help her depression. She refused to believe me. She kept telling me that the internet was full of horse shit and in no way she was "changed" or "different" (But I could tell otherwise). I also warned her that most couples will have their relationship FALL APART. The person on the pills will lose the ability to love. She just kept telling me it was all bullshit and I need to stop reading the internet.

Anyway, she eventually asked her Dr if what I was going on about had any truth to it (her inability to love anymore, the relationship will end etc), The dr even fucking confirmed it that, yes, that is a known side effect of the drugs. She STILL would not believe it after hearing it from a Dr's mouth. She just kept saying "It won't happen to me"

Now, during this time, she starts to develop a drug habit. Going out and doing drugs in the alley at night and when I am not around. This is pretty new to me. She used to maybe to drugs very, very, very recreationally in our 6 years together. I'm talking about once every 2 years at a big part or something. Nothing to be concerned about. But now she started lying again about where she was and what she was doing. I of course found out. Was upset she was doing this, even more upset that she was not continuing to lie behind my back about where she was and what she was doing. Me being the idiot I am, turns the other cheek again and just lets her do it. I expressed my dissatisfaction with her doing them, but she said it was the drugs or I get the highway... god am I ever a fucking sucker. I let her have the drugs...

Now, if you have been following along since the beginning, you are hardcore. I apologize for this novel. But like I said, I don't pour my heart out online very often. This is basically 5 years with of posts in one.

A few more stupid events happen between then and the end of January. One including a family altercation at Christmas time involving her dad. Long story short, he was drunk and high as fuck and he started screaming at her, I donno what the fuck he was going on about, but I stepped up and sad "OK, that's enough, we're leaving now. get your shit" and he started yelling back at me "XX Isn't going anywhere" and then I just through my shit down and was ready to get into a fist fight with him. Fucker said "You have any idea what I am gonna do to you?" and I quipped back "You have any idea what you did you your daughter growing up" and the fucker just SHUT THE FUCK UP. He backed right the fuck down. He was like "I'm gonna go easy on you this time, but if I ever catch you around here again..." some empty ass fucking threat.

After this, things seemed like they were getting better. Just kind of came to terms with the new her. Things seemed better than how they were over the last few months. She stopped hitting herself, she stopped calling herself names, she lots tons of tons of weight and was actually starting to feel better about her image. So all in all. Maybe the Antidepressants weren't so bad for her after all. She seemed in better spirits. Relationship seemed like it was getting back on track.

Then out of the blue, out of the complete fucking blue last week of January, one day she just breaks up with me. And I told her, see I told you this was going to happen. It's those bloody pills. So I was DEVASTATED beyond absolute belief. this was the greatest relationship I had ever had. I did not see this coming a million miles away. I didn't know what to do. I was heartbroken. I wallowed in my own self pity for a couple days.

After avoiding all contact with her for a couple days (mind you, we live together this was not easy), I eventually am ready to face the music and ask what I did wrong. We have a long discussion and it basically boils down to the good old fashioned excuse of "It's not you, it's me" She said she wasn't fit for a relationship and she needed to get better. She needed to get her health better. Her depression under control all that jazz. We talked and talked, I admitted we all had flaws, I had issues I needed to work on, she agreed. She told me all these issues that bothered her about me that I never ever thought in a million years were even issues. I asked her why she never told me about these issues before and I donno, she mumbled some nonsense. Anyway, I said one thing, this one line and she just stopped cold in her tracks and apologized for ending the relationship and she said she wanted it back. Was interesting how it all just happened so sudden just like that. We made out amends, all went well... or so I assumed.

Here's where things get interesting. I got my relationship back... yay? This is what I wanted right? Of course! You saw how Devastated I was a few days earlier balling my eyes out. One condition of getting my relationship back was I go to see a counselor, so I humor her, I agree. I call my Employee and Family Assistance program, they set me up one, neat... I go to a session. I basically tell him everything I have written here in the session... Almost identical to a "T".

Session time runs out, he asks me "Do you actually still want this relationship?" Of course I do... Don't I? I do right? He gets it in my head now... Do I want this relationship? Why would he ask that. Oh well...

[ManBurning]

PART 2/2


Time goes on. Things start to get weird... Like, it doesn't seem like I donno, we're not the same anymore. I got my relationship back, but... It's not a relationship anymore as far as I am concerned. Sure, we're still having sex, but... We ain't doing anything else together. We're literally not doing anything else together... We'll do chores, We'll do grocery shopping, but nothing fun together... odd. OK. Then she starts this weird habit of sleeping over at her friend and her husbands place. She tells me she is going there for the night. The night turns into 3 nights... OK.... then she comes back in the middle of the week for 1 night and goes back there for 2 more.OK, what the bloody hell is going on now? I'm not stupid. She's secretly thinking of breaking up with me again, but of course... she doesn't tell me. Why consult the root of the problem? Talk to outsiders instead who don't have as much knowledge of the relationship.... including.... get this... the fucking Landlord! Holy motherfuckers, 1 week before we leave for Mexico (yeah, how the fuck did I get roped into going to Mexico with her for spring break when she wants to break up with me... lol...), So something about buying a condo comes up and I want to start looking when I get back from Mexico and she was like "yeah, and guess what? It won't be hard to break out lease either... I e-mailed the landlord last week about breaking up with you and asking if we could break the lease and he said we could because we were great tenants" and I was like "wait, what???" and she was like, "Yeah, I didn't want to tell you before we left, because you said you wanted to wait til you got back from Mexico before buying a condo" and I was like no, not that part, back up a bit... you wanted to break up AGAIN!?

So, here we go again right? This is going to be a great trip! Yay! Guess what? Her idea of a tip in Mexico was "you do your own thing, and I will do mine. If we cross paths, cool. But we're not going out of our way to do stuff together" WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF RELATIONSHIP IS THIS!? Why am I even going on this vacation?? This is the lamest thing on the planet. I was like, I'm cancelling the vacation, fuck this noise. She ropes me into going anyway.

Fast fwd to end of trip, We ended up doing everything together on all days except one. She calls me out on it at the end, "You know, I wanted to do things separately..." but she follows it up with "But we didn't, and I gotta admit, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. It was nice"

Neat. So the relationship is looking up again I guess? Now back home, eating dinner, she says we should look into couples counseling. Admits that things have been way better than they were though, so no need to rush into it, but would be something we should toy with the idea. Neat, I'm in. She admits, we could use better communication skills. I admit... She has terrible communication skills. Me too though. I get overly excited about small things and blow them out of proportion.
So, we both admit we need to work on these skills.

All this time, I still feel quite... what is the word, disappointed with the fact she originally ended the relationship. There is something deep down in the back of my mind that isn't sitting well with me. I feel like she can wake up out of the blue and just end it again at any time. I guess I am proceeding with caution?? This relationship just doesn't seem the same anymore to me.

OK, we're getting close to the end. I promise. Around May long weekend (May 21 in Canada), she has to go out of town for a work function. Had to do some training in Wisconsin. Middle of nowhere basically. She's gone for a week. What's interesting is, we have a trip to Winnipeg planned 3 days after she gets back from this trip to go see my family there. My grandmother hasn't been doing well lately and we have been putting off going to see her for years. We have to go see her NOW. So, we book this trip for June 1-5 because her work was not allowing her to take ANY time off in the summer. So, we managed to work it into our schedules that this was the ONLY time she could go, so this was planned back in April already. Everything booked. Flights though me, Hotels through her.

Gets back from her work WI thing. I go get her at the airport, first fucking thing she says to me is "We should move to Wisconsin" and I'm like "What?? Are you crazy, there is NOTHING there!" and she is like "Yes, the fridge and stove power plant is there. they said I am the best employee ever and want me to move there" so at this point I'm having none of this. And I'm like, I have a good job here, all my friends live here blah blah blah, I am not getting up and moving to WI. So she's like "Whatever, we'll talk about it later" (we never did "talk about it" later) because we were on our way somewhere. We had to go meet friends. We were going to an event that we were really late for, because her flight was delayed. She wants to go stop off at a store before we go because she wasn't dressed for the weather (it was really cold) and she wanted to get a hoody, OK. We walk into the store, Me and her and our Mutual friend. She turns around and just FREAKS OUT at me. Screams at me in the middle of the store to stop following her..... WTF!?!?! So I get mad at leave. Turn to my friend and say "I don't even know why I put up with this shit anymore. This isn't worth it. I'm so done with this relationship now it's not even funny"

I was seriously so angry, I had never thought of ending it as much as I did right then and there. Whatever... calm down... I am mad. I am not thinking rationally. For the rest of the day, she continues to act like a bitch. She freaks out at our mutual friends when they are having an argument. She basically gets all in their face and says how she hates how the wife friend always treats the husband friend, and this causes a huge kerfuffle between them. She's all frazzled up now, nobody is having fucking fun at this event anymore. Everyone is mad at someone. Nobody wants to be there anymore. Nobody wants to be around one another. So much tension in the air.

I go to work the next day. I think about how she acts and deals with things. I seriously fucking think I can do better. Fuck this shit. I don't know if I want this shit anymore. And then I talk myself out of it and say, hey hey now... That's not how love works. Don't give up on it. You've made it this far. You are still here for a reason. So I talk myself out of it. Yes, I do want the relationship.

I walk in the door (day before we leave for Winnipeg), make a comment about it, she said "actually about that... we need to walk" (oh great), "I'm not going to Winnipeg, I'm ending the relationship" Remember old frazzled and dazzled balling bis eyed out ManBurning from back in January? How Devastated he was when he lost her the first time? Holy fuck have the tables ever turned... the breakup didn't make me flinch. I was like "Oh, OK..." followed by "Couldn't this have waited til after Winnipeg though. I wanted to see my fucking grandmother, and now this trip needs to be cancelled" and she was like, "Yeah, I thought about doing it after, but the thought of spending 5 days with you complaining was going to drive me up the wall" and I told her when I was on vacation I was more relaxed, and she knows this because we were just in Mexico and she knows I am not as stressed out when I am away on vacation.

Anyway... that's the end. Now, she wants to be "roomates" and nothing more. She has completely ruled out any "friends with benefits" type of scenarios ever. Wants 100% friends and nothing more. Claims she still cares about me as a friend and nothing more. Mutual friends say I should get the fuck out and don't be roomates with her.

I'm not sure what to do... Originally I was OK with this "breakup" idea because, well... we aren't compatible with one another. I can see that. We had some good times, we had some fucking fantastic times. She is fucking smoking hot now (just my luck... soon as she looses all her weight and gets healthy she dumps me). So I'm like taking this whole, yeah whatever... roomates approach.

But fuck, I have been looking to see what else is out there... and it's bone fucking dry. Dating is fucking IMPOSSIBLE!!! I can't even get a women to respond to me on these date sites and if they do it's "hey there" I'm fucking SERIOUS!!! I'll type a really well thought out message to break the ice. Like a really good intellectual conversation starter and I get back "hey there" Hey there!?!?!?!?!??! Fucking "Hey there!!?!?!??!?!" It's 2016 and people can't communicate anymore?? Did I miss something?

So, I even tried the old fashioned way of approaching people on the street, and let me tell you, that takes a lot of fucking courage for me to do that. And still NOTHING! Friends tell me, "Oh dude, it' 2016... people don't do that anymore. That's considered "creepy" Creepy?? Well, how the fuck else are you supposed to meet people these days!?!

Man, I'm so sad... I don't know what to do guys. I have been plagued with some deep dark heavy depression. I've always been kind of a depressed person, but over the years I have learned how to keep it at bay. I know what triggers it for the most part. But there are certain unavoidable major life events that I cannot keep it under control This being one of them. I feel so.... alone. like, I'm lost and have nobody. Lost my partner and don't know what to do.

Was this relationship unhealthy? All I know is that, I mean for the most part, I was fucking happy as a clam around her. Like, holy hell... I never saw depression like this since before I met her. What the fuck should I do?

Should I just keep playing the roomate card and hope it develops into something more again? I've been keeping my distance for the most part. Letting her do her own thing. It's weird though. She still wants to like.... pee in front of me and weird "couple stuff" but she's like, no 100% roomates... no sex, no nothing. Well, roomates don't pee in front of one another with the door wide open....

Urgh... This is messing with me mind.

[Ryan]

I read all of that, wow that sucks.

1) What was the "one line" you said that made her say sorry sorry blah blah I want to get back together?

2) have you spoken to or seen her dad since that shit happened?

[DF118]

@ManBurning, I also read all of that, I'm sorry you've been going through this.

I agree with your friends, you ought to move out. At least that way you'll be giving yourself some space to get your head together.

[eversonpoe]

@ManBurning i also read the whole thing, and i'm sorry you've had to deal with all that. but i also think you need to get away from her. there is not chance for any kind of healthy relationship of ANY kind, and i think you know that deep down. the fact that she used to freak out and hit herself on a relatively regular basis was (maybe) the first red flag of her deteriorating mental health. she should have started getting help a long time ago instead of waiting until she essentially had a mental break. the fact that after her break, she began self-medicating with drugs (i don't know what kind of drugs you were talking about, but in general that's a REALLY bad thing to do) and lying to you about a whole bunch of stuff (although she was lying to you before that, too) is a pretty huge sign that she is not capable of carrying on a proper relationship.

sorry, i'm rambling a bit, i have a lot of feelings about things like this, as my abusive ex displayed some of this sort of behavior.

take some time to work on yourself, spend time with friends, don't go looking for a relationship right away. you NEED time to heal and re-center yourself before you're healthy enough to be in a relationship again. and good luck.

[Swykk]

@ManBurning I read it and am sorry that's happening. Agreed about the dating scene being garbage. My questions are the same as @Ryan .

[Sarah K]

I don't think that anything healthy can happen from continuing to be roommates. Giving one another a few months to make alternate plans and find new housing is reasonable. But just planning on staying together under the same roof for the future? I think that would be a major mistake. It is hard to accept the finality of all of it after spending years together. But the sooner you start building your life without her in it, the sooner you will heal and move on.

PS - I pee in front of quite a few friends. Haha.

[botley]

Anyway... that's the end. Now, she wants to be "roomates" and nothing more. She has completely ruled out any "friends with benefits" type of scenarios ever. Wants 100% friends and nothing more. Claims she still cares about me as a friend and nothing more. Mutual friends say I should get the fuck out and don't be roomates with her.

Listen to your mutual friends, that's some really good advice. I read the whole story, and I'm really sorry you went through such a painful time with this relationship but it's clearly all over except for the practicalities. I agree with what's been said aready: prolonging it with the current room-mate setup is just going to fuck you up even more. Sounds like she wants to be in another town anyway, so if you can break the shared lease now then I advise you do it and focus on getting your life disentagled from this person. Move on. Heal up. You can only really have a good friendship after some quality time apart.

+1 to @eversonpoe: Don't pressure yourself into dating until you feel you're in a better headspace; because, take it from me... anyone you do try and make a connection with is immediately going to smell the breakup all over you. It's bloody obvious when someone is hurting and angry and still sorting through the pieces of a broken heart. You may feel like you're ready for another partner, but even if you are, you should spend some time alone first to feel more at peace with being yourself again, for at least a little while. Once you do that, you'll find dating becomes a lot easier. If you're not doing this already, I would suggest seeking out a counselor/therapist of your own, someone in whom you can safely place your trust and who has your best interest in mind while helping you sort through all this. Looking for that, and a new place to live, and working on your job, and building a better you... trust me, maintaining all of that is enough of a relationship for now. If you just want to get laid in order to blow off some steam, go through a discrete escort service. That's my honest advice.

[ManBurning]

Thanks for reading my rambling story and responding guys! Truly appreciate the advice.

The general consensus seems to be 1) Move out and 2) Don't go looking for a new relationship now. I'd say that's all sound advice.
I wish I wasn't as stubborn as I was and then I could probably apply rule #2. I don't know why, but I just hate being alone. Are other people like this?
It's weird because... Well, I am an only child. I SHOULD be used to being alone. I should ENJOY being alone. But I absolutely cannot stand it.

I mean, I am generally a very introverted person. I do not open up to just anyone. In fact, it takes me a long time to be able to work up to say, people like co-workers. Years before I am comfortable with my surroundings until I can actually open up and show my true self. I mean, I am a traditional introvert in the sense that social settings are very exhausting for me, and I need to be alone to recharge, but yet... I still always want someone around. It doesn't make sense.

Maybe I just got used to having my ex around? She was always here. I was never this close to a human before. Not even family. I trusted her with everything, and I think that is what maybe destroyed the relationship... I think I got TOO comfortable around her.

Apparently, I started complaining a lot. About insignificant petty things. Stuff I honestly thought was just general conversation. To me, I wasn't "complaining", to me, it was just talking. I thought that's what couples, especially people that trust one another did. They told each other about things that bothered them, and that is what I mean by I was "too comfortable" with her. It got to the point where I was bothering her without realizing it.

The thing is though, she NEVER EVER told me what I was doing was annoying her. And after she admitted to my faults (I think this was after the first break up she said I complain too much) So I told her call me out on it and I'll stop, because to me, I don't know it is annoying, it's just me talking. I was just talking like a normal person, to me it wasn't complaining, it was just talking. I even wrote all these stupid sticky notes all over my computer desk stupid things like "stop talking' "Stop complaining" "Don't be annoying" "leave work and work" and other things to help me stop, because to me.... I didn't think I was doing anything wrong.

She never did "call me out" on it like I asked her to. By the final breakup 2 weeks ago, it was the same old complaints again. And I told her "Why didn't you tell me when I was doing it then?" At one point in the conversation I even said "You really don't care at all about how I feel about this whole thing, do you" and she just smiled and nodded and said "Nope, I don't. It's all about me now. Me, Me, Me, Me, Me" That's sick. Those are the words of a sociopath right there. Absolutely sick.

But the thing is, she's super duper buddy buddy with me now. Like... best of friends. She's loving this new roomate/best buds shit. I don't really talk or engage her much anymore. I just mind my own business, let her mind hers. But, I've noticed nobody does housework or chores anymore, lol. Dishes have been piling up for weeks. This place is going to hell.

I read all of that, wow that sucks.

1) What was the "one line" you said that made her say sorry sorry blah blah I want to get back together?

2) have you spoken to or seen her dad since that shit happened?

1) Little too personal to be writing here. Has to do with something that happened to me when I was 14. She made some joke about it, which kinda caused me to lose it, she realized how inappropriate it was to say that shortly after she did. I made the comment, she backtracked on what she said and responded with "We both have our issues we need to work out. I want you to look into seeing a counselor about things and then we can both work on things, I will always love you no matter what I say " blah blah blah.
that same night, I called the employee and family assistance line to book an appointment to hold up my end of the bargain. I have a feeling it was just a "pity" get back together.

2) No. Never spoke or heard from him since. We were never close. We were always pretty Ok with one another. But, Like I said earlier, takes me a while to open up to people. I would exchange pleasantries when around, but he wasn't someone I had an extensive conversation with. I'm actually a little shocked I lashed out at him like that, I just couldn't take anymore of his shit. He's a hardcore drunk. All he does is drink. Every time I have ever seen him he's always been pissed drunk. Ex claims she hates the guy, yet always going to see him for his birthday, and father's day and buying gifts. I always asked her why she was nice to him after how much of an ass he was to her growing up, and she just said "I have to be otherwise he gets mad". She also would say "If my mom dies before my dad, we're moving away and changing our names" that's how much she hates this guy apparently... So, I find it hard to believe that he influenced her to end the relationship. But, ya never know... a drunk threatening mean-spirited asshole of a father can be quite incriminating to a daughter. But he's a general ass anyway. Ex's sister started up some serious hard drugs herself maybe... a year ago... OD'd and went into a hospital for rehab. She was ordered to not be on her own or around her daughter, her dad refused to take her in, said she was a drug addict loser who he wants nothing to do with... That's the kind of person he is. No "unconditional love" for his children what-so-ever.

Man, the more I type this stuff, the more I am glad I never have to attend another one of these people's family gatherings ever again!! Good riddance, eh?
Seems like this was a blessing in disguise.

I don't think that anything healthy can happen from continuing to be roommates. Giving one another a few months to make alternate plans and find new housing is reasonable. But just planning on staying together under the same roof for the future? I think that would be a major mistake. It is hard to accept the finality of all of it after spending years together. But the sooner you start building your life without her in it, the sooner you will heal and move on.

Yeah, it's my plan to get out of here soon. I mean, my next step is to buy a condo now. I was planning on buying one soon after our lease ended anyway. I just wasn't anticipating that being THIS soon... I wanted a little more time to save for a down payment. I mean, I can go find another basement suite for $1000-1200 a mth to rent, or I can just go buy a 1 bedroom condo and pay the same price towards a mortgage. So, i'm done with paying someone else's property. I give myself 6 months max, I know... I know that's probably WAY too much. I might aim to get out by the fall if all the pieces fall into the right places. But, IT IS in my 100% best interest to AT THE VERY LATEST started 2017 off on my own.

I've live with an ex before as a roomate and it worked out fine for the most part, but we basically just lived with one another because the rent was cheap, lol. That might be what's keeping me here for the time being. Paying $550 a mth on rent is a fuck load better than paying $1100.

We also have a cat together, which we are gonna have to fight over. She's brought it up a couple times on who gets the cat. I keep telling her I do and she thinks she should. Hmm... let's see... It was my idea to get the cat. We had to MOVE HOUSE 2 years ago to get him as well. This is our second house together. Spent 4 yrs at the other place and I kept wanting a cat and that landlord refused, so I convinced her to move so I could get a cat. Oh, and I clean out his box, she refused to even get close to that. I think i've won custody on him, regardless of what she try's to pull.

What everyone said about just holding off on another relationship really is true. Like I said, I need to try and apply that way of thinking. I am just addicted to women. I love them. They are alllllllllllll amazing! Women are my drug man, boy oh boy am I ever a sucker for women!
Which is funny, because that time a couple weeks ago that she freaked out at me in the department store, and I was like "fuck this shit!" I told my friend "After this relationship, I am DONE with women! No more. NO MORE!! Not worth it!!" and here I am looking for women again. Man, I am a sucker. I can't stick to my words. I wish I could.

[botley]

Take the cat. Get a dog too (a small one that could live in a condo). Companionship solved, haha! You want to feed your 'addiction to women'? Again, I suggest seeking out an escort service. Let your room-mate know you need an evening alone.

[eversonpoe]

@ManBurning i totally understand your position, as i am also an only child, and i DESPISE being alone. i spent a ton of time alone as a kid (or mostly around adults) so i constantly crave companionship. having two cats helps, but i basically always have to have the TV or music on when i'm alone so i don't feel like i'm by myself.

when i got out of my relationship with my abusive ex (september 2010), i tried to have a couple different relationships with people, and NONE of them were even remotely healthy.
the first one was a friend who had basically been flirting her ass off with me for the last year of my relationship, so i thought that she had feelings for me, but it turned out she just wanted what she couldn't have, because once i was single, she completely lost interest.
the second was with a girl i met on ok cupid, who turned out to be legitimately crazy (and i don't use that term lightly). we never had sex, and she refused to let me go down on her, she would only go down on me, and it made me feel REALLY awkward. she once started SCREAMING at me because i complimented her and wouldn't slap her in the face while we were being intimate (we weren't drinking or anything). she also flat out lied to me about smoking pot and doing other drugs, which, had i known, i never would have started dating her.
the third was with a girl i met through a mutual friend, who was very sweet and kind, and we actually got along really well, but i was still so (honestly) obsessed with my ex that i couldn't properly commit to her emotionally. i also felt really guilty for some reason when i found out that i had been her first sexual partner.
part of the problem was that, during this entire time, i was still hanging out with my ex, assisting her financially, and taking care of our cats & bunnies (whom she TOOK when we split), hoping that she would take me back, all while she was dating another guy who i knew about, but who had no idea she was spending time with me or even communicating with me.

basically, i was a fucking mess, and i either ended up with other people who were messes, or i ended up feeling even worse. it's literally impossible to be in a healthy relationship when you're not emotionally healthy. and i'm not saying you have to be perfect and 100% healed, but you have to be on your way.

so, after this 7 or 8 month period of being an idiot, my best friend moved in with me for the summer (may 2011) and i basically snapped out of it, stopped hanging out with my ex, and a week or so later, met the woman who is now my wife on Ok Cupid.
i wasn't perfect when we met, and the first year of our relationship was good but rough, because i was still healing, and she was in her first ever healthy/loving relationship. but we established a firm foundation and are doing great (about to start trying to get pregnant!!! but shhhh we're not really telling people yet).

but, seriously, you just have to give yourself some time before you get into another serious relationship. you WILL be ok, but until you're on your way there, it's unfair to anyone else as well as yourself to try.

good luck <3

[aggroculture]

after our kid goes to sleep my wife often watches TV on her laptop in bed, then when she's done she turns over and falls asleep.
I can't tell you how depressed this makes me: I've brought it up several times, but the pattern continues.
Being tired at the end of the day is understandable, but it'd be nice if we had some time together, the two of us, once in a while.

[Sarah K]

Update: Went on an actual date with the guy I said I didn't want to date after we sat down and had a long discussion about it... 10/10

This will end in a disaster, and I know it. But here we go.

[Dra508]

after our kid goes to sleep my wife often watches TV on her laptop in bed, then when she's done she turns over and falls asleep.
I can't tell you how depressed this makes me: I've brought it up several times, but the pattern continues.
Being tired at the end of the day is understandable, but it'd be nice if we had some time together, the two of us, once in a while.

This is why laptops and ipads are banned from our bed unless mutual agreement. Heck, his desk was in the bed room until I put the kibosh on that. Really, helped.

[theimage13]

This is why laptops and ipads are banned from our bed unless mutual agreement. Heck, his desk was in the bed room until I put the kibosh on that. Really, helped.

I've spent my whole life living in places where I've had no choice but to have my desk (and thus, desktop computer) in the same room as my bed. I hate it.

The bedroom is for sleeping and sexing. That's it. I want to be in a situation where I have no reason to be in that room unless I'm about to get shuteye or laid.

[Archive_Reports]

I can't sleep when it's totally quiet. I often wake up in the middle of the night and put my headphones in so I don't wake my wife.

[Bachy]

I'm on the fence with this one. What's worse? Being dumped or dumping someone?

[eversonpoe]

I'm on the fence with this one. What's worse? Being dumped or dumping someone?

absolutely being dumped, because more often than not it comes with less self-awareness, thus leading to a lot more work on the self (after the depression) than dumping someone.

[Khrz]

Yeah, no question about it.

The one who leaves knows the whys and hows of the situation, they know where they stand and are taking control of their life. They have weighted their decision and concluded that the only solution was breaking it up.

The one who's left has to deal with a lot of unanswered/unanswerable questions, their life is unexpectedly questioned, they suddenly have to make plans and figure out their next move. They're in a position of damage control and often have a hard time not taking the situation deeply personally, questioning their worth in the process.

Dumping is hard, but at least you know where you stand, and have a more serene outlook on the situation in general.

[Ryan]

Khrz ^ Le resident French Philosopher!

Have you been reincarnated from Sartre? xoxo