The Relationship Thread

[Ryan]

Basically I'm not quite sure; the person I've been living with for 2 years (something I've never done with anyone else before) left tonight, incredibly suddenly, there was no thorough explanation, no complete answers.

Basically I've been dealing with an incredibly heavy fog of depression for several months now; in the past when she's been depressed, I've been strong enough to help her through. This time around I've been so weak and have been struggling so much to keep myself together that I've had a hard time focusing on her, and I think this time I just wasn't strong enough to help her. She told me she couldn't handle me anymore, that I was making her suicidal, that I'm too much stress and too whiney, that I've been too much to put up with, and I'm terrified that she was right. Shortly after she tried to tell me it's not my fault, that she simply isn't a relationship person and that she's sorry she let me down, but one of these things is not like the others. I don't know how to feel. I know I shouldn't blame myself, but I can't help it -- I've never known anyone who meant so much to me.

What felt so ironic was that just today I was in a store and looked at the jewelry section and was thinking of what kind of ring I wanted to get her; I had planned on proposing to her later this year at a NIN show, which would have been both of ours second time seeing them.

Before leaving she called her mother to come pick her up, a woman who we both have learned to completely avoid and who was always abusive towards her, told me she was tired of me trying to "convince" her that her mother didn't care about her (despite her herself having reached that conclusion before, with me only speaking up after she had said it herself), and called the cops to escort her out.

Now let me make it clear, I've never been violent with her, I've never been forceful, never any sort of abuse on either of our ends. The only reason I can imagine her calling a cop to come in and talk to me and see if things were "okay" would be because she thought I might try to kill myself; considering the officer asked if "anyone was hurt" and looked specifically at my bare arms/wrists, I can only imagine that's what it was.

I had gotten home today and everything seemed okay; we've been making a lot of life plans lately, and things have been generally happy (so I thought). While otherwise I've had a hard year so far emotionally, with she and I everything seemed fantastic. Suddenly within an hour of talking she told me she couldn't handle me anymore, and within the next hour was completely gone.

Sorry if that was a big ramble; I've still hardly figured out what just happened. We've fought in the past like all couples have and it's never been an immediate thing like this; we've always talked through things, figured out what to do to make the other happy, etc., and have never treated breaking up like a solution to problems. The few times we've nearly split, it's always been built up and allowed for chances to talk things out and keep it from happening, as neither of us wanted it to come to that; this time there was no talking, there was no reasoning, there was simply one of us swiftly leaving suddenly and the other being left behind. It's like this woman had made her mind up far in advance and has simply been waiting for the time do it, and I don't know which scares me more, the thought that this was a sudden and irrational decision that basically shut all the doors between us in a flash, or that I've been completely unaware of something like this for months because I've been too naive or my perception's been distorted.

Honestly, this past year has been the first that I truly felt we'd last forever, as i'd always viewed it as "we enjoy it as long as we can," but as I've thought more and more about marriage it's become a strong sense of something inevitable. She and I had discussed it constantly, she'd openly said she would be completely happy with it and looked forward to it, and every month for the past year it's felt like we've been really building towards officially making a strong life together in a powerful and happy way, and now this happened.

We've gone through things before, and this is the only time I've ever felt so certain that nothing I try to do can change it. It's just . . . over.

Sorry to hear that, I'm sure it will work itself out though. Things like this always do.

In the meantime, watch my Morrissey recording of I Know It's Over for a reversed-form of catharsis.

[Charmingly Miserable]

I'm sooooo sorry for this. While I don't know everything, it seems like she is going through some internal things. Don't blame yourself. I'm not vilifying her either. It just seems like she is not in the right state.

Again, sorry for this.

[implanted_microchip]

Thanks to both of you; I absolutely love her and feel horrible for her, I cannot imagine what is going on that is making her feel the way she is, I just wish she would have let me find out and we could have tried to do something. I wish I could help her more than anything, but it's just one of those situations I guess where someone refuses to let themselves be helped, and I'm honestly not even at a point where I think I can do much.

I know I'm seeing things through my own eyes and I'm really not wanting to make it seem like she's anything but a wonderful human being, that's what's making this such a shock for me. I'm really still just numb, I cried a lot as she left but afterward I've just had this empty feeling inside. I've honestly never felt so close to anyone, so now it's just this sudden sense of loss that I don't know how to process.

[allegro]

You've suffered a loss. It's normal to go through a very gradual grieving process that takes time. Give yourself time to heal, be kind to yourself, fill the void in your life with positive things. Hang in there, you'll get through it.

[Ryan]

Give her time, she could come back tomorrow and apologize.

[implanted_microchip]

Thanks again to everyone. It's really nice having people I can talk to and know that it isn't going to cause any problems or get misled; I really have no one to turn to in my personal life as it is. I've always been the kind of person to keep few friends and she was the best I'd had. I hate that I instinctively expect to turn around and talk to her about it, I'm just that totally used to her being the first and last person I go to.

@Ryan : I wish I could say that would be the case but honestly like I said, we've been through near-breakups in the past and I've never seen her this dead-set on it. There was no room for talking, and there always has been; I sincerely feel it in my heart and in my bones, as cliche or melodramatic as it may sound, it's just done and I can't change it. She told me even that she expects the things coming in the mail for her to be thrown out, meaning she isn't even coming back to pick things up. I've felt so shocked that I could throw up if I let myself.

I'm really scared to try and go to sleep; I've not been in our bedroom since she left, and I just know it's going to be so much harder. Like a lot of couples we cuddle to sleep, and knowing I'll probably end up reaching out with nothing there is just something I don't want to feel right now. Quite literally every room in my house has things to remind me of her.

[Charmingly Miserable]

Is there a place you can stay for the night? I don't want you to be alone tonight.

[implanted_microchip]

Oh my god that's so sweet. Seriously, thank you. I appreciate it a lot, it's really great to see people be this kind especially on the internet.

No, there isn't, but I'll be fine I guess. I'm just waiting to be tired enough that I know as soon as I hit the bed I'll pass out, right now i still feel so wired that I know I'd end up laying there. It's just a really, really confusing situation; none of this makes any sense to me. I honestly feel like the emotional blow of it is getting really delayed just because it seems so ridiculous, I keep feeling like it's some incredibly weird dream that I'm going to wake up from.

Seriously thanks again, talking on here has been a really good outlet otherwise I know I'd be going crazy trying to think of things in my own head, being able to write it out and see it in front of me is really helpful.

[allegro]

I know this sounds kinda nutty but try not to think about it any more, tonight; you can think about it tomorrow. Clear your mind as much as possible tonight, relax, close your eyes, tell yourself (repeatedly) that you'll deal with this again tomorrow but tonight you need rest. See if you can get some rest. And for the love of God DON'T DRINK ANY ALCOHOL.

[Charmingly Miserable]

Ok, if you are gonna stay at home for the night, please keep in touch here or with a friend. I'm worried!!!!

[implanted_microchip]

Well I tried sleeping/relaxing and it didn't work, I just found myself wide awake again thinking about things. It's really hard to clear your mind when you're in the dark with your eyes shut I guess. I managed to text her to ask why there was a police officer, and she confirmed it was that she was worried I'd hurt myself, which is really encouraging to know.

Basically I'm just listening to Smashing Pumpkins and trying to calm myself down (it might seem bad for the situation but honestly the song Soma is working wonders for my nerves); I'm not angry or impulsive, just still really emotional. Sorry if I've been clogging the thread with the stuff.
@Charmingly Miserable : really, thanks a ton for the support. No need to worry.

[liquidcalm]

Thanks to both of you; I absolutely love her and feel horrible for her, I cannot imagine what is going on that is making her feel the way she is, I just wish she would have let me find out and we could have tried to do something. I wish I could help her more than anything, but it's just one of those situations I guess where someone refuses to let themselves be helped, and I'm honestly not even at a point where I think I can do much.

I know I'm seeing things through my own eyes and I'm really not wanting to make it seem like she's anything but a wonderful human being, that's what's making this such a shock for me. I'm really still just numb, I cried a lot as she left but afterward I've just had this empty feeling inside. I've honestly never felt so close to anyone, so now it's just this sudden sense of loss that I don't know how to process.

Make sure you go out and talk to other people about this too, I love a good forum vent as anyone else, but build a network of friends and family you know you can rely on to at least listen to you be emotional. You don't have to listen to their advice, and you won't want to hear a lot of the things they may say in reply, but you will still be out interacting and talking/working through this.

I feel for you man, look a few posts up to see my own situation as of late.

[allegro]

Well I tried sleeping/relaxing and it didn't work, I just found myself wide awake again thinking about things. It's really hard to clear your mind when you're in the dark with your eyes shut I guess. I managed to text her to ask why there was a police officer, and she confirmed it was that she was worried I'd hurt myself, which is really encouraging to know.

Basically I'm just listening to Smashing Pumpkins and trying to calm myself down (it might seem bad for the situation but honestly the song Soma is working wonders for my nerves)

Smashing Pumpkins, that's actually a great idea.

[Sarah K]

The end of long term relationships are the fucking worst.

There isn't much to say that doesn't sound like a cliché.

I hope that everything works out for you - no matter what that might include.

[aggroculture]

Good luck kleiner. Soon you will move beyond this, hopefully at some point in the near future into a relationship that works and is much more fulfilling to you.

This can be a very productive and enlightening time for you, in terms of self-knowledge and development. Rediscover yourself. Do stuff you have wanted to do but haven't yet. As others have said, embrace friends and family. Allow yourself to grieve but remember to stay active. Above all: patience patience patience. And more patience. This is not going away in a hurry.

[implanted_microchip]

Thanks again everybody. I really appreciate the care/concern/advice.
@liquidcalm : I read your posts and oh my god, man. I'm so sorry. That's got to be a lot harder than this is for me; I can't imagine it having been that long and then everything going away. I hope things are improving for you, sincerely.

It's really difficult to rely on friends for me, as I really only had two close ones, and now the closest one is the reason this is happening. As for family aside from my mom I really don't talk to anyone in it, my father was fairly abusive and basically his entire side of the family tree is cut off from me. I'm hoping my other friend can come over later today just so I don't have to be alone here for the rest of it.

She talked to me last night far later after things had happened and basically just reaffirmed everything and told me to stop being so childish, which is always an encouraging piece of advice.

If I can ask for some advice here, from anyone who had lived with someone for a while and then had them leave, how do you manage to get over all the little reminders? Does your home start feeling more like yours and less like "ours," or does that not really fade? Is there anything I can do to make it easier?

[Sarah K]

Both times, I was the one to move out. I honestly think that remaining in the same place would be incredibly difficult.

My mom got divorced a few years back and kept the house... She now lived in it with her new husband. So, some people can get over it, I suppose.

[Charmingly Miserable]

I kicked my ex husband out, so I'm not sure. I was done with him and so all the things that I had with him, he took. I still have my wedding ring but I'm gonna give that to my daughter when she is older.

I'm officially depressed. I hate being single. I'm here at work and I'm trying hard to keep it together. ;( ;(

[Sarah K]

Fear of having to go through breaking up is what causes me to keep a certain amount of emotional distance while dating people. To the point of self-sabotaging at times, I think.

[aggroculture]

My ex left the place we'd lived in for two years. I had to move: I couldn't afford the whole rent, it was a railroad apartment so getting a roommate would have been problematic; mainly I didn't want to be in that apartment (or neighborhood) anymore, it was too painful. But a friend of mine, who's lived in the same place for like 20 years, was puzzled I felt the need to leave. I guess everyone has their own approach.

[implanted_microchip]

This is finally starting to set in and it's just so much for me. I keep wanting to talk to my best friend about it because they always have been able to help me but she was my best friend. I'm just not really sure how to handle this; I really appreciate all of the responses from all of you and I have friends around at the moment but it isn't doing anything to distract me; I've been watching movies with a friend of mine and I keep naturally thinking of things I want to say to my now ex, just tiny simple things, it's like my brain hasn't realized I can't share anything with her anymore. I'm sorry I've been posting so much in this thread about this one thing, I know a lot of you have gone through far worse, but I just really need a place to say something without people in my life monitoring or judging me for it.

[Charmingly Miserable]

That is what we are here for!

[Fixer808]

Recent excellent development. Shan't go into it too much for now, but needless to say I'm rather pleased at the moment. More later.

[Sarah K]

@kleiner352 No need to apologize! I am pretty new here as well. But the core group of people here are awesome and welcoming, as long as you're not bill.

Rant away. It is good to get shit out when going through rough times. And sometimes, some anonymity helps express things.

[implanted_microchip]

So I got to talk with her more and while it's absolutely certain that we're over, nevertheless I got a lot of the answers/sense of closure that I needed to hear from her. The initial breakup was so dizzying and left a lot unanswered, and at the very least she gave me that. I won't get into specifics but right now I'm just feeling very glad that she and I knew each other in the first place; I may be heartbroken for a while but if she was truly unhappy then I'd rather suffer and know she can progress with her life than be happy but be holding her back. I was very lucky to have her in my life when I did and she was an amazing person in my life, I'm just sad that it had to end. I'm not bitter/mad at her at all and I'm glad because I wouldn't be able to handle that along with this.

[The_Prowler]

So I met this lovely girl on a dating site about two weeks ago, and we're having our first date tomorrow. As nervous as I am, this is actually the least nervous I've ever been before a first date. We've been talking on the phone, and she's very easy to talk to, and her voice brings a smile to my face every time I hear it. Even when we were still exchanging messages online, I felt incredibly comfortable talking to her. I fully admit that I did a little Happy Dance when she agreed to meet. Wish me luck!

This is not meant to undermine anything that's been going on with Kleiner, at all. I actually know very well how you feel. There was a time (my girlfriend said she needed a little time on her own, but that we would definitely get back together. She said we were soul mates, and then decided to cut me out of her life without warning or explanation) when I literally did not care if I didn't wake up the next day. One day I was having a diabetic seizure (one of the worst I've ever had), and I was perfectly content to let myself just lay there and die, if that's what it came to. It took years to finally be able to even consider the possibility of trying to date again, but I eventually got there. Have I had any real luck with a meaningful relationship since then? Not yet, but at least I'm trying.
And at least you know you have friends here who are always willing to talk and help whenever they can, and even though I don't know you, I'd like to include myself on that list if possible. *Bro hugs*

[implanted_microchip]

So I met this lovely girl on a dating site about two weeks ago, and we're having our first date tomorrow. As nervous as I am, this is actually the least nervous I've ever been before a first date. We've been talking on the phone, and she's very easy to talk to, and her voice brings a smile to my face every time I hear it. Even when we were still exchanging messages online, I felt incredibly comfortable talking to her. I fully admit that I did a little Happy Dance when she agreed to meet. Wish me luck!

This is not meant to undermine anything that's been going on with Kleiner, at all. I actually know very well how you feel. There was a time (my girlfriend said she needed a little time on her own, but that we would definitely get back together. She said we were soul mates, and then decided to cut me out of her life without warning or explanation) when I literally did not care if I didn't wake up the next day. One day I was having a diabetic seizure (one of the worst I've ever had), and I was perfectly content to let myself just lay there and die, if that's what it came to. It took years to finally be able to even consider the possibility of trying to date again, but I eventually got there. Have I had any real luck with a meaningful relationship since then? Not yet, but at least I'm trying.
And at least you know you have friends here who are always willing to talk and help whenever they can, and even though I don't know you, I'd like to include myself on that list if possible. *Bro hugs*

A) The Happy Dance thing is adorable

B) Don't worry about it at all, I definitely don't want to make anyone here feel like they have to worry about expressing joy over these things, I think it's wonderful to see that you can move past these things, you can feel excited for someone again, etc.

C) Consider yourself added to the list; I'm gonna have to start keeping Excel spreadsheets at the rate everyone here has warmed up to me.

D) Best of luck with it, man!

[The_Prowler]

I haven't done a happy dance over a girl in a long time, I'll tell you that.
The spreadsheet sounds like it might be a good idea, man. I know I'm not alone when I say that we want all our fellow Ninnies to be as happy and emotionally healthy as possible. At least you know you have friends here
And thanks for your well wishes! I'm really hoping she enjoys my physical company as much as she seems to enjoy talking on the phone. Yes, I actually managed to find someone who prefers talking to texting!

As for you, I really hope that you have an easier time than I did getting over this girl. Obviously it just wasn't supposed to be where you ended up. But don't worry, if I can find someone interested in me, I have no doubt that you'll find someone who truly loves you for everything that you are.

[playwithfire]

I was playing "Make It or Break It" with some coworkers after work yesterday, SO FUN. Basically the idea is that this hypothetical person is your soulmate, but they have ONE weird quality, such as farting purple glitter. Make it or break it?

So, thinking about that. What are some of your actual make it or break its?

I've realized one of mine is that I wouldn't be comfortable getting close to someone who didn't identify as a feminist/took issue with the word.

[eversonpoe]

I was playing "Make It or Break It" with some coworkers after work yesterday, SO FUN. Basically the idea is that this hypothetical person is your soulmate, but they have ONE weird quality, such as farting purple glitter. Make it or break it?

So, thinking about that. What are some of your actual make it or break its?

I've realized one of mine is that I wouldn't be comfortable getting close to someone who didn't identify as a feminist/took issue with the word.

first of all, farting purple glitter would be nothing but a plus in my book. that sounds AWESOME. i wish all of my bodily secretions involved glitter, because then i'd feel less gross about them.

for me, the biggest "break it" would be someone not accepting me for who i am. and i'm not talking about changing and evolving naturally in a relationship together or weeding out learned behaviors or habits that are bad, i'm talking about, for example, how my ex basically tried to remove all of the feminine aspects of my personality, was totally in denial about my trans- and queer-ness, and even went so far as to demand my silence during sex, because my moans were too "girly" (which sarah, my fiancee LOVES).

but i guess a less serious one (because apparently i'm an asshat and missed the part where you said "weird" quality) is that i could never be with someone who doesn't recycle. it pisses me off to no end when people throw recycling in the garbage. o.O