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Faceplams: Serious replies to me teasing. Again, no anger. If you want to pick at it some more, feel free, but I'm not going to put anymore pointless posts in here.Originally Posted by icklekitty
Stubby Member
Serious replies to me teasing. Again, no anger. If you want to pick at it some more, feel free, but I'm not going to put anymore pointless posts in here.
@_@
I think they should rename it "Why attractive men and attractive women can't be friends."
Throbbing Member
Coming to terms with the fact that my 10 year marriage has finally fizzled away after a few sparks and stalls this past year. I honestly tried with everything I had but she changed to the point of no return. The last conversation was her pleading for peace from my pain over it with "please just let me go". I sadly waved the white flag. We've found space in the same home for now but it just feels so different, so foreign. Just another transition in this life of transitions I guess.
Banned
That video is great.
The dance of seduction is the biggest mystery on planet Earth. Icklekitty is right that when a man displays too much with all this affection and attention seeking, it just doesn't work (at least in my past experiences). The only way to salvage this power imbalance is to back off. Either a friendship of equal respect can develop, or if she really likes you, she will start giving signs of affection and attention seeking. This actually only happened once to me and it took 5 excruciating months of manning up. Anyways, when you're not sure if a woman likes you, for a man, it's best to develop a solid foundation of friendship and not give any romantic affection or attention seeking (this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness and is apparently not desirable).
Last edited by cashpiles (closed); 12-13-2011 at 09:44 PM.
Bite me
You're handling it like a mature adult, which is highly commendable. Seriously.
Hairy Member
Considering ending my relationship. I went through a lot of bullshit with an ex over a year ago and I think im experiencing after effects. Im paranoid bad news is around the corner, I get too angry over others talking to her, and i just dont think im ready. Sucks.
Active Member
Let's make a club. I'm on the other side of your fence though - I was the one done and have only recently figured out why.
Throbbing Member
Ah ok. Not to necessarily ask you to open the details on an open BB forum, what were the conditions under which you figured things out? My wife for the past month has requested space to "figure it out". It took me a lot of hand wringing to allow that but I bit my lip and did that. I don't think she yet has her answer but she is feeling like she needs to continue down the road without making rash decisions. I don't get it but am getting snippets of clues in her thought process (we still talk about this stuff fairly well) to lead me to what might be happening with her. I do know, at the foundations of it, I cannot fix this. But the best advice I've had so far on it: I can however, make it worse. That is not what I want nor intend to do.
Bite me
Sometimes we just fall out of love. Sometimes we grow and look over at our partner and think, "why the hell am I here?" Sometimes the little things we used to ignore become total deal-breakers. Sometimes we just feel unfulfilled or unhappy and know the relationship is the biggest cause. Could be a million reasons, everybody's different. Sometimes it works out, sometimes we leave (as with me and Dra; I'm divorced, she's on her way to divorce. In my case, I was married to Satan so it wasn't hard to figure out.)
Active Member
Right. I just knew I was generally unhappy - is this it? He's a great guy, generous, devoted yada yada. What I'm figuring out (yes - nothing like a little therapy to guide your thoughts) is that I don't trust him. Not in the traditional, you're going to cheat on me sort of way (that's not his issue), but I have lost trust in him being the masculine partner in the relationship. He deferred so much decision making to me, rather then owning his own. Of course, he thinks I've just left him period and is going through all those emotions - mad, sad, angry, confused and I'd love to explain, but I'm told that that would only serve to make me feel better about the demise and not actually help him at all. So, it's a process. I am currently in the no-regret stage, if there is a stage called that.
Throbbing Member
Thanks, both of you. Helps me to understand this process from the other side of the coin.
Hairy Member
Today marks one month for me and my boyfriend. Although one month is so short, it feels much longer in the best way. I've never felt happier, safer, or more content. I just love being around him, no matter what we're doing. I hope this is the beginning of a long, amazing relationship. It certainly feels special.
Throbbing Member
I'm done with this dating stuff. If a miracle happens, and someone actually likes me for more than three days, 1 1/2 dates, then fine, if not, oh well. I'm just done with the rejection stress. I need time away from anyone, male, female or other. The last few months have just been misery. I do everything asked of me, and ask for just a little in return, but end up getting nothing in return. What a waste of time. I have better things to do than wonder if things will work out with someone else, or not. Especially the guys I've been meeting for several months. They're all so weird, right now. And not in a good way.
Hairy Member
So my ex girlfriend called me up last night crying hysterically. She said she wants me back and can't be happy without me. I care about her very much, but I'm seriously falling for this new girl. We have much more in common, she's nice, gorgeous, and the sex is 100x better. It's probably an obvious decision, but do I choose the love I know but don't feel anymore, or the love I feel but don't entirely know?
Hairy Member
You're not going to make her happy. Nobody will. Move on.
Flaccid Member
On old ETS, I had talked about I guy I met at work over the summer & I had been wondering if he had feelings for me or what was up. He was in a relationship that didn't sound like it was going very well.
Fast-forward to now: Before I left the job, we established contact on Facebook, and after a few short days began texing. I was just glad we would be able to stay in touch once I was gone. Then, one night he was able to get me to admit that I thought he was attractive and he felt the same. Over the next little while, we texted a ridiculous amount, and he mentioned his relationship was a "weird situation" and he would explain it when we could talk. We kept texting, I stopped by to see him a few times after I was gone. Then, it comes out that he's very attracted to me to the point of it being almost unreal to me. I start to worry that he's just looking to hookup, and he said he isn't but that he wouldn't turn me down if I wanted to. We talk about things openly & honestly, so that's all good.
The next chapter is, I get the story on the relationship. She had moved in about a year before....but they basically live separate lives. They don't see each other much, she stays in a different room, sex has been very infrequent, at the time we talked about it, it had been three months...then four. There had been a fight at the end of Oct & it seemed like that was going to be the end.
Except it isn't. He admits he has strong feelings for me, but he's been 'trying to do the right thing and make things work'. We still talk, the potential is still there, we occasionally have a racy conversation and he admits to still thinking about me 'like that' all the time.
I'm so conflicted...I want to be angry and say either you want me or you don't, or you want her or you don't. I also want to keep my mouth shut and just give it a little time. I go back & forth on feeling sorry for myself & hating myself for letting myself get involved with someone in a relationship. It sounds pretty bad, but he really isn't an asshole, he's confused as well. I don't think he expected this with me at all.
I feel like that relationship is going to end no matter what, I don't know how it could ever go back to being great. It's prolonging the inevitable, and in the meantime, potentially losing out on an opportunity for something even better. I honestly don't know what to do. I don't know if I should break ties completely and let him work things out without having anything to do with me. Or do I hang in there and fight for the chance?
I appreciate your thoughts, experience, perspective, support, verbal abuse, etc. Just reading this page has been helpful in realizing that nothing is fucking easy, is it? One way or another it's a struggle.
...but do I choose the love I know but don't feel anymore, or the love I feel but don't entirely know? ~ this basically sums up my situation except I'm not the one who gets to decide.
Last edited by classicgirl; 12-18-2011 at 02:36 PM. Reason: to add The Becoming's perfect quote
Active Member
So.....
I've been with my girlfriend for about six months now. It started off slow, which I was fine with. And it's continued...well...extremely slowly (see also: "Fuck Me. No, seriously.") At first, I figured it was probably due to one or both of the following.
A) She lives with her parents (just graduated in May; only working sporadically as a substitute teacher until she finds a full time gig), and doing naughty things at my place is out due to various roommate issues. Or
B) She's still a virgin, and has only even really "fooled around" one or two times in previous relationships, and thus, may be shy and/or nervous.
But the more I think about it, the more I start to feel like neither of those are the issue. Lately, I've come to realize that she seems to show more affection for other things - ranging from the neighbor's cat to her coworkers' babies to gay fan art (think: drawings of Sherlock and Watson, etc). We're close - we cozy up for movies, we always kiss goodbye (and usually at hello), but there doesn't seem to be anything more than that. Given the above factors that would seemingly explain a lack of intimacy, do you think the whole "affection" analysis is a case of me being paranoid? Or does this sound like something that warrants a very blunt discussion? I've only ever been in one real relationship before this (and never went all the way with her, either), so I'm still pretty bad at reading these kinds of things.
Active Member
I'd avoid the messiness if I were you. He has to fish or cut bait with his room mate. You don't want to get in the middle of it and if you start having a "relationship" before he cuts ties he might not be motivated and stay status quo for the thrill of it. Where does that leave you.
I'm cynical. I'm sure he's a lovely guy, but unless you tell him you're not really interested in getting into something with him while he's winding down (or not) with his current gf, he might not do anything. Ball in your court girl.
Active Member
The new relationship.
Hairy Member
Emotions can be the worst incurable disease at times. Thanks for the input guys. Out with the old and in with the new.
Throbbing Member
How about just a normal discussion? I mean, it's been a while for me, but as I remember it you're supposed to talk to eachother in a relationship about what you want, or need and what your partner wants, or needs. If you're not clear on what she's expecting, why not simply ask her?
Or you could just try to be a little more affectionate with her yourself: touch her a bit more often, initiate some good old making out even when it's not your usual moment for it and see how she reacts? She might think the same thing about you?
Active Member
We talked about it earlier in the relationship (when it seemed natural to have only done so much), and she was very short with her non-committal, shrug-it-off type of answers. I don't think I could be any more affectionate myself...and the making out part is right out (again, parents' house - she's unwilling to do anything there, since her parents walk in all the time to ask her things). Guess it's time for another talk.
Stubby Member
I'm at that point where I feel like I should get out before I get hurt anymore. Urrgh, this is really difficult. Feeling absolutely miserable.
Stubby Member
I had a really good chat with my friend Romy about things and feel much better stuff now. My relationship is a weird one, things have moved REALLY fast. I've been going out with him for a month now and he is already telling me he is in love with me. But because he wasn't really looking for a relationship, it kind of made of him hit this brick wall in his life. I think he wanted to sort a few things out with himself before he threw himself into someone again. His last relationship was really destructive and it kind of sent him into self implode mode. The last boyfriend he had he was engaged to, so I think he's having this real problem with being vulnerable again.
We have different ways of acting around friends, I'm genuinely a very sociable person, and while I have a small group of really really close friends, I also do have a lot of other friends as well. He is a bit different, he has 3 or 4 really close friends and then acquaintances. We went out the other night and suddenly about 15 of my friends turned up all together. I'm really open about stuff with my friends, so most of them knew that we were seeing each other and a bit about him before they met him for the first time. And I think hearing stuff like "I've heard a lot of good things about you from Christo...." etc. pushed him into this weird pressure mode and he kind of flipped and we ended up having this overly deep conversation. Which then made things with us really unclear and has ended up with us being in this weird mode where he needs things to slow down and have some space, but also can't deal with not talking to me. Which obviously puts me in this weird dilemma of having to actively control how much I interact with him. And also there is a 6 year age difference with us (which isn't much of a problem, but it's a factor at times).
One major problem is that in London, I'm essentially homeless at the moment. A massive commission I was meant to be on fucked up at the last minute, at the same time my lease expired. So I've been essentially living with him for almost the entire time of our relationship. Which obviously I hate doing, because it moves things way too fast, but the alternate is not seeing him for a long period of time, which I also don't want to do. I've had a really difficult month and today I realised I've thrown myself into this relationship to mask the other problems I'm having. A realisation I came to today, which has really helped me process and analyse things.
So now, I feel like I need to regain my hand in the relationship, it's felt lob sided at times, because of me living with him, I'm catering myself around his schedule. So I'm pulling away from him and not being as responsive and maybe as close to him as I used to be. This gives him the space and the slowed down tone he wants, but also makes him miss me more, which in turn will force him to decide what he wants/needs in his life. It's difficult having to stop myself from calling him or seeing him as much as I did, but ultimately I know that it will make things better for us in the long run. Too much closeness now will just fizzle things out in the long run. I can't force him to work out the issues he needs to, but I know I will stick around until he does.
Last edited by Christo; 12-19-2011 at 07:17 PM.
God is an American
I'm about to go out and see the ex tonight — she's visiting from England, we're hanging out with a group of other friends — and just to make sure I'd look GOOD I got a pro shave & haircut today. I'm prepared with Xmas gifts guaranteed to warm her heart. She's only here a few days but I'd like to leave things in a pleasant space. Either I'm desperate to get laid or still really genuinely care about this woman. Or both. We'll see.
Active Member
The question is does he know this? I point this out just because I've been told that I sometimes don't give out enough information/affection/comfort. If we are reserved in our affection, one doesn't have the comfort of knowing that you will be there once they are done going through their own shit. You can't promise, but you can tell them you can try. Now, I'm talking about myself.
For the most part, sounds like you have got things figured out, I'm happy for you.
Age differences matter only if you two make them matter.
Throbbing Member
Both of my adult step-kids came up to me at a party this weekend telling me how much they love me and one mentioned how he won't be taking sides, just supporting wherever he can. Did I say these were adult kids? Very adult. I'm very impressed and touched.
Bite me
That is really awesome.
Last edited by allegro; 12-22-2011 at 10:58 AM.
Hairy Member
My boyfriend who I've been with for nearly 3 years , broke up with me on Monday, still a really big shock, I'm only 18, but I had all my plans next year based around him too kinda (was going to uni close to where he lives and stuff). He moved and got a job in Manchester, and shortly after said he found someone new. Really sucks thinking someone you spent nearly every day with for over 2 years can find you so dispensable. And I've got loads of exams in January to add to the stress. I did something awful and slept with someone else yesterday too. I still haven't cried either, but I don't think I've properly come to terms with it yet.
Throbbing Member
Why is that awful?
And I'm sorry for you, but look at it in a good way, you are only 18, time to move on and he certainly wasn't worth it
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