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Thread: The Relationship Thread

  1. #61
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    Quote Originally Posted by botley View Post
    ... It feels much nicer having that level of contact with a friend you're happy to hear from, rather than with a significant other whom you feel obligated to keep tabs on. That can feel very restrictive and even breed resentment when it doesn't live up to the kind of contact you want to be having with them. I found that part of the long-distance relationship to be its most sucky and frustrating aspect, even more so than the lack of actual sex (which is clearly something I eventually adjusted to)...
    Ugh no kidding, i had a long distance (3 year) relationship and this was probably what ultimately caused the demise of our relationship. We still talk every so often and it's still pretty relaxed and nice.

    Contact with a recent sort-of-but-not-technically-but-still-kinda ex has been less graceful...unfortunately. Things ended on a good note and i wanted to stay friends, but he didn't so i backed off and today he contacted me and we talked. And it was..frustrating having to explain myself. Did not end on such a good note... We were never official and the fact that he demanded more of an explanation than my 3 year ex did...well i don't know, let's just say i guess it was a good idea i ended things when i did.

  2. #62
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    Basically, I'm in "fuck it" mode. I suck at relationships. I fuck them all up and down, and leave the money on the dresser when I'm done. I'm focusing on school dammit. Even if I'm horny. Hmph!

  3. #63
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    looks like my 6 year relationship is coming to an end, totally fucked off about it but at the same time the only person i really feel bad for is our 5 year old daughter

  4. #64
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    Probably breaking up tonight. Been thinking about it for a while and I'm not going to get a better chance in some time. I'm super nervous and scared shitless.

    We've been together for about a year, and it's basically my first serious relationship.
    Last edited by westost; 12-08-2011 at 08:27 AM.

  5. #65
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    Quote Originally Posted by westost View Post
    Probably breaking up tonight. Been thinking about it for a while and I'm not going to get a better chance in some time. I'm super nervous and scared shitless.

    We've been together for about a year, and it's basically my first serious relationship.
    Man, that sucks. Best of luck and I hope it all goes painlessly.

    As for me, I'm going out on a date today. Her and I agreed a month or two ago to wait until school finishes so that we're not all stressed and crappy and so we actually have time for each other. Either we were delaying the inevitable and it's not gonna work, or it's been worth waiting for it. Fingers crossed it's the latter.

  6. #66
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    I've banned myself for dating. I've come to the conclusion that I'm really bad at it. Especially since my last two exes said I'm a horrible person and I ruined their lives. I didn't think I was that bad, but I guess I am. But to be completely honest, I like being single. I tend to get caught up in a relationship and ignore those around me, or my significant other doesn't like one of my friends or something along those lines. Since I haven't been dating I've repaired friendships and made more meaningful relationships.

    I do get lonely, but I have great friends and those feelings don't last very long.

  7. #67
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    Quote Originally Posted by Thaned View Post
    Man, that sucks. Best of luck and I hope it all goes painlessly.
    Thanks

    Anyway, I did it. It was fucking awful, but not worse than I was expecting.

    We met about a year ago at a meet-up for new members of the political party I'm active in, and while I didn't fall madly in love, I really liked her and we were both interested. So why not give it a go? It was less serious at first, because she was going away to Amsterdam for six months and none of us felt like trying a long distance-thing. But as the date for her departure came closer, the more we realized that we wanted to stay together. So we tried long distance after all, and it wasn't easy, but the relationship survived and I was really happy to see her back in my apartement six months later. However, a new side of her had started to appear during our skype-conversations and really started to take ahold of more and more of her personality when she came home: She would, without warning, break down and be really sad, wallow in self-loathing, then start yelling me out, for fucking hours, about stuff that I said or did that I had no idea she found offensive in the first place. That shit drained me of energy every time. I thought maybe that was just a phase, that she was just having a rough stretch with a job that she hated. But as the months drew on I slowly realized that the period before her emotional outbursts was the actual phase: this was just a part of her personality. I adressed the problem, we tried to work on it, but essentially nothing changed. There was no real balance to our relationship anymore, it was either great or horrible, and as I grew more detatched she would find more stuff that I probably acctually deserved to be yelled out about. I started to get confused about whether she was emotionally unbalanced or if I was just being an asshole who deservedly got yelled out by her every now and again. It just sort of went downhill from there, until I realized how tired this relationship was making me, how it affected my studies, my friendships, etc. I concluded, that for whatever reason, either me being a horrible boyfriend or her being a psycho, we probably weren't right for each other, and when our fights started to damage my feelings for her, I realized I had to break up.
    Last edited by westost; 12-09-2011 at 12:20 PM.

  8. #68
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    5 years, 1 girl...and I canīt imagine it any better.
    She also accepts my NINaddiction.

  9. #69
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    Westost, ugh wow, you made a really good decision. Good thing you had the courage to not let it go on for a lot LONGER.

  10. #70
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    i was in a relationship with a married person. at the beginning i was lied to, and made believe there was no functioning marriage, but spouses in separation (which was quite easy since we lived in two different cities and i had no real means [nor did it come to my naive mind] to check it up) - it lasted for 6 mths. when i started noticing something's wrong and asking questions, i was thrown away like trash. and only then did i realise i had fallen completely in love. after 3 months the person came back, apologized, asked for patience and time needed to raise their children, before the marriage is ended. i still can't believe i agreed to that...
    and then started 2 yrs of total chaos, jealousy, anger, humiliation (on my part, of course), breaking up and coming back together...
    it's eaten my psyhical strength, my physical health, my self esteem, and needles to say, ended up in me being hated and thrown into the trash bin, again.
    the family is all nice and dandy, the cheater most probably has found another object of interest.
    and i despise myself and cannot look in the mirror anymore...

  11. #71
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    Andreas, shit, that's crazy. I hope it gets better soon and that you can have the strength to let that person go, and take back your life.

    Quote Originally Posted by allegro View Post
    Westost, ugh wow, you made a really good decision. Good thing you had the courage to not let it go on for a lot LONGER.
    Yeah, thanks. It took a lot of discussions with good friends, soul searching and hard thinking to be able to end it. I can't imagine how many people there must be who stay in destructive relationships for years, or decades, because it's just so hard to walk away from someone you care about, no matter how much they're hurting you. Ah well, it's gonna be good to be single for a while.
    Last edited by westost; 12-09-2011 at 12:34 PM.

  12. #72
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    Wife is needing "space" right now. We have talked and I know it's not about me this time. She's in the guest bedroom downstairs. We talk, commute to work together, celebrate and go out together, share friends and socialize. But it's so very different to me. Despite the hurt, the anxiety and lack of sleep...I think I can hold on, give her that space and still work on enjoying my life as is. She's important to me but it doesn't mean I get to forget me.

  13. #73
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    Quote Originally Posted by westost View Post
    Andreas, shit, that's crazy. I hope it gets better soon and that you can have the strength to let that person go, and take back your life.
    thanks a lot. i'm trying to figure out where to start. i guess first i should deal with the self-loathing thing but this scares the shit out of me 'cause it means plenty of soul-searching and i fear it'll drag me into very dark places that i'd rather forget exist

    i have a friend who's strongly involved with the radical self-forgiveness program but i so don't buy stuff like that. i'm gonna have to find that person i was before on my own. i've gained one piece of wisdom out of this mess: i've learned to be more humble. but it was so much easier to be manicheic...

  14. #74
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    We're both trying this whole forcing ourselves to spend time apart from each other every now and then. Neither of us are particularly good at it. I'm naturally quite a paranoid person (one of the main reasons I gave up drinking for 10 months) so every time we're not together I start to freak out about things completely ridiculous. I know they are ridiculous and obviously I don't raise any issues with him, especially as when we are together everything is perfectly fine and great. I really hate having clinical paranoia at times.
    Last edited by Christo; 12-09-2011 at 09:10 PM.

  15. #75
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    Quote Originally Posted by Christo View Post
    We're both trying this whole forcing ourselves to spend time apart from each other every now and then. Neither of us are particularly good at it. I'm naturally quite a paranoid person (one of the main reasons I gave up drinking for 10 months) so every time we're not together I start to freak out about things completely ridiculous. I know they are ridiculous and obviously I don't raise any issues with him, especially as when we are together everything is perfectly fine and great. I really hate having clinical paranoia at times.
    It is honestly SO WEIRD hearing you talk about being a relationship like this; but I'm really happy for you!

  16. #76
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    In a relationship.
    He's really great and loves me a lot.
    I love him too, don't get me wrong. 2 years, now!

    I dunno, I guess I kinda hate/suck at relationships.
    I get bored easily. Become interested in someone else too easily.
    I always tend to hurt the one I love, which is kind of shit, because they're always great and never deserve it.
    Well... usually never. In this case, never.

    I even, sometimes, get a bit of a thrill to be unkind/unfaithful.

    Buh.
    And I'm always stuck in a situation where it's not really a good idea for me to leave.
    I just can't afford to live on my own. I supported him when he needed it, and now I need it and he supports me.
    And All I can think about is how badly I want to leave.

    I'm a terrible person.
    If there were a Hell, I'd already have woven my hand basket.

  17. #77
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tea View Post
    It is honestly SO WEIRD hearing you talk about being a relationship like this; but I'm really happy for you!
    But whoooooooo is this? I hate all the new username anonymity.

  18. #78
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    Quote Originally Posted by Christo View Post
    We're both trying this whole forcing ourselves to spend time apart from each other every now and then. Neither of us are particularly good at it. I'm naturally quite a paranoid person (one of the main reasons I gave up drinking for 10 months) so every time we're not together I start to freak out about things completely ridiculous. I know they are ridiculous and obviously I don't raise any issues with him, especially as when we are together everything is perfectly fine and great. I really hate having clinical paranoia at times.
    See everyone, I told you he was just as messed up as the rest of us.

    It's good that you're not telling him if it's completely unfounded - and the spending time apart thing is presumably working up to your next middle-of-nowhere adventure?

    Quote Originally Posted by 1337 View Post
    I have a question for the guys and the ladies here...

    a lot of times when I am talking to an attractive female, they will pretty quickly make it known that they have a boyfriend, by way of comments like "well, when me and my boyfriend go to..." or "my boyfriend told me the same thing..."

    is this supposed to be some kind of warning to me? Like "I'm not available so don't get any bright ideas"? Is it supposed to be some kind of jealousy thing? Or does it mean nothing at all
    I think it's the better alternative to letting him talk to her for ages, thinking possibly that she's interested in him, only for her to tell him half an hour later that she's attached. Many guys have this "conveyor belt" approach to talking to women, so maybe you're getting caught in the crossfire of that. If I were attached that's definitely how I'd go about it. Then if you still want to talk, that's cool, but I'm not leading you down a dead end.

  19. #79
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    Quote Originally Posted by icklekitty View Post
    I think it's the better alternative to letting him talk to her for ages, thinking possibly that she's interested in him, only for her to tell him half an hour later that she's attached. Many guys have this "conveyor belt" approach to talking to women, so maybe you're getting caught in the crossfire of that. If I were attached that's definitely how I'd go about it. Then if you still want to talk, that's cool, but I'm not leading you down a dead end.
    I mostly agree.
    Also, if I am in a relationship long enough that my boy/girlfriend is just that person who I share just about everything with, I will happen to bring them up because it's just that natural to do so. I guess it could go both ways.

  20. #80
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1337 View Post
    I have a question for the guys and the ladies here...

    a lot of times when I am talking to an attractive female, they will pretty quickly make it known that they have a boyfriend, by way of comments like "well, when me and my boyfriend go to..." or "my boyfriend told me the same thing..."

    is this supposed to be some kind of warning to me? Like "I'm not available so don't get any bright ideas"? Is it supposed to be some kind of jealousy thing? Or does it mean nothing at all
    I absolutely do this! And that is certainly what I mean when I bring up instances of "herp...my boyfriend and I...derp". Also, when I was single and talking to dudes who SEEMED like they were flirty that I wasn't digging, I would somehow work in how I wasn't looking and drop the "friendzone" into the conversation a few times.

  21. #81
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    Quote Originally Posted by andreas View Post
    and i despise myself and cannot look in the mirror anymore...
    You can't do that to yourself. You were commited to this relationship, you were commited to this person, you were willing to put yourself on hold for them... these things show the best of you. It's nothing to be ashamed of, on the contrary. I can't imagine what it must feel like to know someone took so little care of you, but that doesn't reflect on you.
    We don't choose who we end up in love with. I would like to say that I would never date someone who was already taken, but there's someone in my life that I'd gladly eat glass for, so helping her cheat on whatever significant other she'd have would be easy, even with all my moral standards in place. It's how we human beings tick: we know right from wrong, but passion usually gets the better of us, and love especially. And it makes us a little blind and a lot stupid, too. Again, this is nothing to be ashamed of.
    Be angry, be upset, be sad... and then try to leave it behind you.

  22. #82
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    I almost fucked everything up last night. I was so convinced that she only liked me as a friend that when we were texting (admittedly I was drunk) and she said "I've been stupid about this" and "I feel bad for how this has been for you" I assumed that she was saying that she was bad for taking this long to end it. Turns out it's the opposite and she actually IS into me, but in my stupidity I said that I agreed with her. I didn't wanna have it be all drawn out and messy if it just wasn't going to happen.

    I think I've saved it. But I'm just shitty with myself for almost fucking everything up because I didn't have the confidence to stick with it. I've been working at this for several months and I really want it to work, but it's been really stressful and trying to stick with it when we've been taking it so very, very slowly.

    Oh well, at least now we can be honest with each other, get past this whole "does she like me or not?" game and get on with getting to be with each other. Hopefully.

  23. #83
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    I already posted about the shitty long-term break up I got out of two months ago, but something weird has come up. A mutual friend of my ex and I started talking to me on facebook completely out of the blue. I didn't think it was weird because a lot of our mutual friends have been supportive for me after the break up. So he starts texting me a lot and I'm not the best with texting back on time so it was a little odd. Then he wants to hang out this upcoming weekend and watch a movie and cuddle. I didn't say anything back because according to facebook he has a girlfriend. I've known him for a while, but this is just strange. I'm not going to do anything with him, but I need to ask what he means by that and if he does have a girlfriend. But most of all I know I'm not okay to start dating again. I still am not even close to being over of my ex and still want to be with him (not going to happen). So I'm just kinda uncomfortable because he's a friend and this whole thing is just so weird and confusing. I've been cheated on in the past so hell no I'm not going to do anything.

  24. #84
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    I wouldn't ask if he has a girlfriend if I were you, but it can't hurt to try to clarify what he meant by the offer. I'm hardly a relationship expert (el oh el) but it feels like you should try to make it clear to him first and foremost that you're not looking for something new; that seems more important than figuring out his motives.

  25. #85
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hula View Post
    I wouldn't ask if he has a girlfriend if I were you, but it can't hurt to try to clarify what he meant by the offer. I'm hardly a relationship expert (el oh el) but it feels like you should try to make it clear to him first and foremost that you're not looking for something new; that seems more important than figuring out his motives.
    That's true! Thank you, that makes a lot of sense so I'll tell him that before he thinks otherwise. It's just so odd I didn't think of doing that first. Every time he flirts I just ignore the text, but he seems pretty determined or just not getting it. Awkward social situations. :/

  26. #86
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hula View Post
    As for my relationship woes... I've had two perfectly good friendships spoiled because the guy thought it'd be a good idea to take things to the next level. There are a number of reasons that's not going to happen (#1 being that I'm not interested) and yet it seems like it just keeps on happening. Is it possible for two people to just be friends any more these days? It's not like I'm putting out DATE ME signals or anything; does the fact that I seem willing to hang out doing the exact sort of things friends do make it seem like I'm looking for something more? Maybe I should just stick to socialising in a group...

    In short... NO.


  27. #87
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    I simply don't get boys. I can't even call a majority of the ones I know "men."

    It seemed this guy I met was really excited to spend time with me. I liked him immediately, which doesn't really happen to me, much. Then something genuinely bad happened in his life. He didn't completely flake out on me, so I still had hope, but over the course of this week, it's like we never really met. And he bailed out of a date tonight with a vague suggestion he'd call sometime later in the week.

    I'm crushed, since I haven't let myself like anyone since 2008. I feel really stupid for even bothering to try to date. Dating is stupid.

    I'm crying over a fucking boy. This whole thing is stupid.

  28. #88
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tea View Post
    ...In university (in England) I had equal male/female friends. The guys knew I had a boyfriend, several of them had girlfriends, and none were the type to try an affair...
    The video doesn't ask if the guys are in a relationship or not, they only ask if there was a chance would the guy hook up with the girl. "If there was a chance" could easily mean "If you two were both single".

    But that being said, even if I was single, there are a few female friends that I have that I wouldn't want to jump in bed with.

  29. #89
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    Quote Originally Posted by Warped_Savant View Post
    The video doesn't ask if the guys are in a relationship or not, they only ask if there was a chance would the guy hook up with the girl. "If there was a chance" could easily mean "If you two were both single".

    But that being said, even if I was single, there are a few female friends that I have that I wouldn't want to jump in bed with.
    I'm not saying the video was at all referencing to affairs; I was simply stating that I am fairly certain the men I was friends with were not there for the chance of hooking up, whatever their situation was.

    And I was trying to tease ickle. My goodness. Next time I'll add a winking face.

  30. #90
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    Yeah, i really disagree with that video.

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