The Relationship Thread

[playwithfire]

Drunken flirting escalated further than expected and turned into weird confessions of attraction. She was wearing a really great outfit and we're talking about doing burlesque together and she was like running her nails down my arm and I was going "I don't have any feelings about this. I feel nothing." and she was coming back with sarcastic/same remarks and then we were talking about how we have the MOST platonic friendship (heavy sarcastic hyperbole) and how everything was fine.

I don't know if I'm actually sexually attracted to her despite having pretty deep and legit romantic feelings (truly not something that means I want anything different than what we currently have as a friendship) and her being textbook my type, because my sexuality is really confusing and mercurial. Or if I want to do anything there because her friendship is actually really, really important to me. She is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. A week later I'm kinda sitting with the "I'm gonna do nothing about this for now and just see what happens." take, which feels like the right move.

That night was just realllll weird. So may intersections of my friend life/barely-existing romantic life/kink life at one event.

[Pillfred]

My buddies wife left him on saturday. I get it as much as i can why she may have. It took him for a complete loop however. He got a text saturday night after being out of town for a couple days, sunday she picked up the kids, had a house etc already... Kind of shitty but at the same time you gotta just make it quick as can be. She's a really cool lady and si being good about everything to do with the kids and what not. She mentioned the whole i need space thing and so far he's latched onto that. If I had to bet I'm pretty sure she's done. In my experience when a woman is done with your/any type of shit, she's done. Like I'm sure they'll both be fine and hopefully neither one does anything stupid, mostly him as he's kind of a fiery type, and they can maintain a copacetic parenting relationship. It's hard listening to him bounce between i can make this right, and why do i care posturing. I haven't really talked to her much as of right now as i don't need any possible backlash from doing so, not that I wouldn't.

I just know I got pretty wrecked after me and my long term ex of nine years split and the emotional shit storm that was, these two have been together for like 19 years. I kind of just wan't to tell him to strap in for a hell ride, but i gotta just let him sort shit out for himself. Poor fucking bastard, last night after we dropped stuff off at her place on the way back to my place he said to me, "I think the worst of it is over." People process stuff differently but all i could think was, man you haven't even yet begun to process the what's and why's, even if you have a base understanding of the some of the issues. I guess I'll just have to be his wall to throw his shit at for a time and try not to offer any bullshit advice or cut too deep with a bit of my sometimes tactless advice. Luckily i've learned that most people when they talk about there problems just want an ear to vent into, not so much advice or cold does of reality.

[M1ke]

Having trouble with my relationship right now, and not sure what to do.

I'm engaged in a battle with the condo corporation for the townhomes over whether or not I'm allowed an election sign on my front lawn, and it's having an impact on my relationship with my girlfriend. She disagrees with what I'm doing in that fight, and as a result, we had a fight where she keeps advocating for me to just let it go and let them win, and I'm still really upset because they keep stealing my signs over and over again.

She's much more passive than I am, and that's fine, I don't expect her to engage in battles the same way I do if she doesn't want to, but I'm feeling like she's sabotaging my attempts to right a wrong that was done to me. She's calling my self-defence a maladaptive behaviour.

Any suggestions on what to do?

[Pbgut]

Well, I was dating a guy for a month and decided to end it. I was pretty sure we weren't actually compatible but I kind of liked him anyway, even though we were pretty different. Even though it's basically what I expected, I'm still kind of bummed.

[AThousandDaysBefore]

A recipe to create my delicious and famous status relationship cake

100g of Only (Nine inch nails)
2 cups of Love hate love (Alice in chains)
3 spoons of Choke (Alice in chains)
1 Back off bitch (GnR)
1 teaspoon of Somewhat damaged (Nin)

Mix everything in a blender , add some pieces of stupid girl (Garbage) with a teaspoon of Hell on High Hells (Mötley Crüe) and voilà
it tastes well with a glass of rootless tree (Damien Rice)

[playwithfire]

Oh wow.

[Boots]

Here I've been telling people that I never dated a German guy, but that's actually not true. I dated a German man once, but we never saw each other again. We had nothing in common, other than the fact that we were both German.

[AThousandDaysBefore]

10 years later...
10 fucking years later...
And I did the same fucking mistake again
I Should not try this shit in the first place


I cannot go through this again...
Fuck

[MacabreMagpie]

I'm someone who is generally happy with singledom (artist introvert) but I've noticed a rather worrying thing I do whenever anyone starts to like me, now, which is put up a wall until they don't anymore.

[ltrandazzo]

I'm someone who is generally happy with singledom (artist introvert) but I've noticed a rather worrying thing I do whenever anyone starts to like me, now, which is put up a wall until they don't anymore.

Do you tend to like the person showing interest or not?

[MacabreMagpie]

Do you tend to like the person showing interest or not?

I'd say so. I know exactly why I do it, too, because I've had some bad relationship experiences (not that anything major happened, they just didn't work) but I'm someone that people tend to gravitate towards for friendship and so I have it in my head that I'm better off letting people only see that side of me.

[Swykk]

Hey guys...specifically @eversonpoe, @playwithfire, and Sarah K (who I can never tag correctly):

I can’t remember how long ago this was but I remember us having a disagreement about the term “friend zone.” I argued that it did exist at first and then left that discussion believing i defined it differently than you guys did.

I was incorrect. Why bring this up now, you may wonder? Well today, on Twitter, one of my friends posted a thread about it (https://twitter.com/bakeanddestroy/s...752545797?s=21) and it finally hit me—I always thought the “friend zone” existed because I had been led on a couple times in the past and had been hurt not so much from any expectation but more from a “Oh shit, I thought I was working toward a relationship” only to discover I’d been used.

Not a good feeling.

But reading that post today, I realized an important correlation I missed before. I’m terrible with talking to women I meet and like at first until I’m more comfortable and get to know them better. So I didn’t realize I was being used until much later and have been mislabeling this. My own shortcomings with this social interaction kept me from realizing I was being used. It doesn’t matter much that my intentions were good or that I thought I was working toward these becoming relationships. Sadly, it didn’t matter that these two had zero intentions of being my friend much less my girlfriend.

If I had been more adept, I’d have known I was being used. These two women are shitty for using me, make no mistake, but I was in a bad situation I unknowingly allowed myself to be in.

Sorry for the long ass post but felt it necessary to mention. I apologize. You guys were right.

[playwithfire]

I'm someone who is generally happy with singledom (artist introvert) but I've noticed a rather worrying thing I do whenever anyone starts to like me, now, which is put up a wall until they don't anymore.

Honestly, when it's not a mutual feeling I've been super guilty of this before as well. Unless they're really graceful about it, which I have one friend who's amazing at that. Like, she's made it super clear she finds me attractive but it has NEVER impacted any of our other interactions. People should be more like her.

But, if you like them, that's a lot harder.

[playwithfire]

I've been dealing with some loneliness stuff, which is super not my usual m.o. and I know will pass, but bleh.

[playwithfire]

nevermind

[AThousandDaysBefore]

Forced to endure what I could not forgive...

Once for all I'm far away
Saw things so much clearer

[loopcloses]

Hi.

I met my friend, who I'll call... Shania? So I met Shania around three years ago, when I moved into a house she lived in. We took up smoking weed together, eventually she invited me to a concert she had an extra ticket for, and after we both moved out of town we maintained contact.

After this point, some dark stuff happened in her life and we ended up having a lot of text conversations about it. As you'd expect, that sort of vulnerability strengthened the relationship.

It's now been two years since we saw each other regularly, but we live in the same state and I've had growing but not inextinguishable feelings about her. To avoid writing a novel, I'll condense the remaining relevant info into bullet points:

she seems to be very, very shy and not inclined towards displays of affection. We're similar in this regard, though not to the same extent--I'll gladly hug my guy friends so hard they're lifted off the ground (I'm tall), but I've never shown a woman any sort of affection or indication I was interested in her. As for her, if not for her opening up to me about her sexual history (which is only very slightly bigger than mine), I'd assume she had no interest in romance with anyone. She may make that very assumption about me for all I know.

in the past year, I noticed a few uncharacteristically forward gestures--very small ones, but so out of the ordinary for someone so reserved. For example, a couple times when she was drunk texting me, on one occasion she mentioned she almost let something slip (which is exactly what I would do if I was drunk and wanted to make someone suspicious that liked them without actually saying it). On another, she said she missed me. Again, it's something that feels at once both small and exceptional.

this all came to a sorta head a few months ago, when she was saying a lot of bleak stuff, we'd probably never see each other again (this was following a few fallen through meetups), that's just the way the world works. So, I said hey, you're staying in Portland right now, I've got tomorrow off, I can be there in 3 hours. She went for it. Now, I had a hell of a time figuring out if this was a romantic gesture on the way there. I wanted to be there for my friend, and I definitely wasn't going to do anything to suggest ulterior motives under these circumstances. When i got there, there was absolutely nothing to suggest as much--she had prepared the pullout couch for me in the hotel living room, and had to immediately get to bed once I arrived because she had to be up really early for her work function.

The next day we went out drinking with her sister, had a good time, and I know what they say about liquid courage, but the time was never right to say anything too forward. I had to get up before dawn to head back to Seattle in time for work the next morning, so the visit ended with her drunkenly stumbling into her bedroom and shutting the door as I tried to figure out how the hell i was getting to work in the morning.

Now, I can't figure out if those were all the exact signs that this is purely a friendship and to not screw that up, or that we're two people who will absolutely not put themselves out there in an irresistible force/immovable object scenario. Because now, she seems to be indicating she'd be up to go camping after I mentioned an interest in exploring the Washington nature. Given the dynamics of the relationship, you couldn't pick a more comically on the nose way to go about it--the two of us, isolated in the wilderness, presumably sharing a tent (I expressed that I do not own a tent). If there's anything there you'd think this would guarantee it'd come out, but with us, in the moment, we'd both be thinking about how horribly uncomfortable it would be to make an unwanted move while on a damn camping trip.

I bring this here because I don't trust my friends. If I tell them this, they'll tell me to just go for it before I ever finish giving them the important details--male or female, that's most of their approach to dating. It's yielded much better results for them than mine of "never go for it" has for me, but I trust this forum to exist in a happy middle ground that'll give more thought to what might be best for both of us instead of just what's best for me.

[playwithfire]

Okay, so, I would not recommend you do anything about this on the trip. Because like, stuck in the wilderness is just a spectacular recipe for awkwardness. Enjoy the trip, do what feels natural (and if something naturally somehow comes up, cool) and just focus on having a good time. After you get back, I'd recommend you either up your flirting very strategically (indicate interest with 0 attachment, so like, complement her and then change the subject, etc) or you just broach the topic of the mixed signals. Like, something that has worked for me is to go "Is this flirting? Because I can't tell." and then if I were you I'd follow that up with like "If it is, that's awesome. I think you're great. Flirting is welcome. But like, I also really value our friendship and don't want to misinterpret things, so it's awkward but I wanted to actually ask." and since you said she's long distance I'd probably do that over the phone or on a video call towards the end of it.

[elevenism]

My wife and i haven't spent hardly any time physically apart in the past few years. I broke my back a few years ago, and she nearly died from a brain infection shortly thereafter. So i'm physically disabled, while she is juuuust getting to the point where she is able to reenter the work force.
I take care of my mother (who is more disabled than i am, having had 2 failed neck surgeries) and am always on call. But when i'm not doing something for my mom, the mrs and i are in the same room 24-7.
Sometimes we talk, but lately, sometimes we sort of ignore each other.
We've sort of started to take each other for granted.

My mother had appointments in Amarillo on like 3 consecutive days, and i had to go with her (to bring her meals, carry her luggage, etc.)
And oh my dear lord, my wife and i learned that we do NOT do very well apart.

i didn't know this, but the first thing i do when i wake up, even for a split second, is to look over and make sure she's ok. I was trying to fall asleep the first night and kept waking up over and over. I would look for her and realize she wasn't there, and i became more and more anxious. It had become a LITTLE better by the third night, but i still didn't like it.
I also kept almost saying things to her when i was awake, and then realizing i was alone.

It turned out that she was going through the same thing back home, doing the same things.

I know this might all sound goofy. But the cool thing is, we were SO insanely happy to see each other yesterday when i got home.
We are aiming to no longer take each other for granted and let each other know we still care more often.

This trip taught us that we are still MADLY in love, six years in, and that's fucking awesome.

[BRoswell]

Well, I broke it off with my boyfriend/significant other/whatever the fuck he thought we were. I told him I couldn't go on any longer not telling him that I loved him, which makes him uncomfortable. He told me he just wanted things between us to be casual, but...casual, friends-with-benefits relationships don't do the things we've done with each other. He basically wants all of the perks of being in a relationship without love and feelings getting in the way. I've essentially been with him for three years. We've been so open with each other in a way that we haven't with anyone else, which is why I know why he won't commit to being in love with someone. He's been hurt before, and while he won't admit it, it's the reason he closes himself off to people. I tried to get him to break out of that, but it was basically one step forward, ten steps back, and I was hurting myself during all of them. It's unbelievably painful to give up so much of yourself to another person, only to have them tell you that it doesn't really matter.

But I had to do it, because if I didn't, I was just going to keep hurting myself and feeling like shit. I still feel like shit, but eventually I'll be okay. That's the lesson I want to pass on to anyone. Don't give up so much of yourself to someone who doesn't care about you enough to hold onto that and cherish it.

[playwithfire]

Good on you for taking care of yourself/acknowledging your needs.

[elevenism]

@BRoswell , hang in there brother.
I was in a long ass relationship with someone similar so I can DEFINITELY relate to this.

[eversonpoe]

my wife and i celebrated our four-year wedding anniversary last night. we had a lovely evening and then got into bed at 10:15 because we're grandmas

today we're going apple picking and then walking around downtown woodstock (where they filmed groundhog day) as is our fall tradition. i'm so glad it's finally chilly out!

[Bachy]

My girlfriend and I had our first little major disagreement. Tuesday evening her car broke down near work while I was on the way to Red Rocks. I was already more than halfway there which put me a little over an hour from home. I advised her to call a shop, maybe get her car towed. I offered to order a Lyft later so she would be able to get home from work. Where I fucked up was I didn’t offer to turn around and help her out. As she put it, I was putting the concert before her. As soon as I made it to Red Rocks, she texted me stating the importance of me coming home, so I did.

Now, for me, I would absolutely without question turn around to help her out if it’s an emergency. Though for me, broken down car in a shopping mall near work would not be considered an emergency (hence my initial reaction when she called). I was extremely bummed to miss out on not just a NIN show but my first one at Red Rocks. Though we talked it out and I was able to get a ticket for Wednesday’s show which, for me, was so much better simply because I finally heard HIS live.

[playwithfire]

It sounds to me like she wanted you to make a symbolic gesture, if she didn't ask outright. She should probably work on asking directly for things she wants, if that's the case. As women that can often be a confidence self/worth thing, where we feel like we can't ask for what we need. But like, if it was just symbolic sacrifice when she didn't actually need you and simply wanted to feel "prioritized" that kinda sucks. Asking a partner to sacrifice pointlessly just to demonstrate love isn't healthy.

[malady]

The short version:
over a decade ago I got into a relationship I had major misgivings about at the time. This relationship went on for a solid 4 1/2 years and then on and off for another 2 after that. Things just started going badly in it and snowballed from there. It has now been years since we’ve even spoken to one another.
i’ve had Relationships since, but none I have let get that serious. I usually end up just ending them or relegating them to “friend” status. I just don’t seem to be open to being in love again.
Truthfully, not a day goes by that I don’t think about this ex. To the point of sometimes talking to them in my head. They were the one and only person in my life that actually took the time to know me. Exactly what made me myself, my thoughts on anything and everything and all the good, bad and very ugly. They accepted it all, willingly. I had never let anyone (not even my family) in that deep. There are days where I am feeling hurt by other people’s perceptions or misunderstandings of my intentions and I have actual physical pain in wishing for the one person who understood me best.
There are also days where I am just ready to die. Look forward to it even. I keep thinking maybe in the next life I can find them again and everything will work out this time. Because sadly, in this one, even though I function normally day in and day out and even have many good ones, I just feel like half of me is missing.

[Steven]

My girlfriend and I had our first little major disagreement. Tuesday evening her car broke down near work while I was on the way to Red Rocks. I was already more than halfway there which put me a little over an hour from home. I advised her to call a shop, maybe get her car towed. I offered to order a Lyft later so she would be able to get home from work. Where I fucked up was I didn’t offer to turn around and help her out. As she put it, I was putting the concert before her. As soon as I made it to Red Rocks, she texted me stating the importance of me coming home, so I did.

Now, for me, I would absolutely without question turn around to help her out if it’s an emergency. Though for me, broken down car in a shopping mall near work would not be considered an emergency (hence my initial reaction when she called). I was extremely bummed to miss out on not just a NIN show but my first one at Red Rocks. Though we talked it out and I was able to get a ticket for Wednesday’s show which, for me, was so much better simply because I finally heard HIS live.

I would find it EXTREMELY hard to leave a NIN show unless it was an emergency-emergency with my immediate family or my best friend was in serious trouble.

[bryan_NIN65]

I would find it EXTREMELY hard to leave a NIN show unless it was an emergency-emergency with my immediate family or my best friend was in serious trouble.

I did this once and left a Five Bolt Main show for my wife who was leaving for Toledo that night, they were the opening band and i thought I could leave after they played and still have time. It turns out they did not go on stage till 11:00 so I left with out seeing them. The band broke up a year later and I still regret leaving the concert just to see her off, she even wound up leaving late and I beat her to my house and hour away.

[elevenism]

@malady FIND SOMEONE ELSE.

Fuuuuck that shit. I spent WAY too much of my life pining for people who had moved on. It also led to a lot of self destructive behavior.

I FINALLY figured out that there is ALWAYS someone else. You've got to open yourself to the possibility. And, quite often, the "someone else" will ACTUALLY be BETTER for you. And then you will wonder wtf you were thinking.

"I meet another one. Her name is. She looks at me. Says I'm the only one." - Tricky

[loopcloses]

Anyone ever use dating apps? Man, fuck all this shit. It's such an effective trap to someone like me--the promise of an easier way to meet people you may never even encounter otherwise, and even if you did, the odds of it in being in the right context to talk to them (and you having the courage to do so) is incredibly slim. But the second you start actually talking to someone, it becomes an anxiety-ridden hellscape that inevitably ends with you (me) feeling stupid for even putting yourself on an app you clearly aren't emotionally equipped to handle and deleting it, only to install it again because of that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

It's such an awful catch 22--i know the loneliness and anxiety over dating is going to get worse the longer I continue not to attempt it, but attempting it brings so much more misery and (I hate to use this word but I feel it applies) triggers depression that I'd otherwise have less of a problem keeping at bay.