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Thread: The Relationship Thread

  1. #3031
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    The more you hear "It's not you, it's me" the less you believe it.

  2. #3032
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    my marriage has been pretty horrible for a long time now: years.
    my wife has been depressed for a long time now: years.
    we often have this image of depressed people, that they are meek and victim-like, but living with a depressed person who is not only miserable but seemingly determined to make you miserable too is pretty hard.
    I can't let myself be brought down into a negative state: I wasted too much of my life that way. I'm 40 now: I've got to stay positive in order to stay healthy, my physical health depends upon it.
    I don't really know what to do about this or where it goes from here: when I bring it up it boils down to me being the bad guy. I'm too lazy, don't do my fair share, am not motivated enough, too passive, not supportive, resentful etc etc. Maybe all this is true: could I be the cause of her despair?
    It's true I am resentful. Resentful of feeling unloved for years, for starters. And I am guilty of withholding affection when I feel wronged, I know I need to work on not doing that.
    I don't think a new baby, which she wants, but has not happened in 2+ years, is going to fix this.
    I'm hoping the move, change of scenery is going to help, but I dunno.
    Every time I feel we're on an upward incline we tumble back down again.

  3. #3033
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    Quote Originally Posted by aggroculture View Post
    it boils down to me being the bad guy
    Maybe from her perspective this is true, but I'd have a few thoughts here: If you weren't, and if she has depression, someone or something else would be. It also sounds like the things you're doing wrong are, short of being resentful, more a matter of things you're not doing than what you are. If she's clearly expressing her needs/wants to you and you're just ignoring them, that's one thing, but I'd bet there are a lot unclear/unvoiced desires there. And, this is a reach so I may be off base, general unhappiness with her situation that she can fill with a you-shaped thing. If you are the cause of a lot of her unhappiness, she should be able to figure out those things to a more specific degree.

    I will say that like... emotional/domestic labor frequently being out of balance in hetero couples is legit. And a lot of guys respond to things with "well if you let me know what I need to do, I'll do it" -- not realizing that identifying the things in the first place is its own amount of work and skill. If that's what she's frustrated with, it may be worth figuring out what you can proactively handle in the future, but like, ugh, depression is a beast.

    I know this has been going on for a really long time at this point, I remember your posts over the years. I'm sorry y'all are both suffering and I hope things get better.

  4. #3034
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    I usually only get any explanation at all when I confront her about it, after long periods of passive aggressive behavior on her part (sarcasm, impatient responses, a general attitude of intolerance or contempt). I've read this article https://www.theguardian.com/world/20...d-chores-comic and I get it, and I recognize I am guilty of doing this. What the piece doesn't go into is that I find I will often get shot down or criticized when I take the initiative or suggest something: no, we can't do that; no, that's wrong; no, let's do this instead, etc. When we had our baby the default mode was "I know better than you how to go about this" and I could do nothing right, and we discussed this, and it improved, and for a while I took on the role of the primary caregiver. But then that shifted back partly because she felt she was missing out on being a mom.
    These days I find I don't have the energy to argue about every single domestic decision, but if I let her do everything her way I'm making her do all the work.

  5. #3035
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    Have y'all considered or talked about going to see a counselor? It seems like what you are saying is a lot of issues are stemming from miscommunication or just a total lack of it.

    I know that from my personal experience with depression, I most definitely am NOT myself during those times. When I come out of it, I usually have a lot of apologizing to do for just kinda checking out from everything for a while. But I usually keep to myself because I KNOW that I would say some shit I don't mean when I am really down. I get mad so easy, and it isn't worth it. For me, it's better to cancel plans and apologize for that than to say or do some hurtful shit to the people that I care about. But you guys are married and have a child, so I know that can't really be an option at all. Everyone needs to be somewhat present and accounted for.

    Where are you moving?

    Also I will never understand how not showing affection to someone when times are bad is considered a negative thing. Like if there is a lot of tension and things aren't going well, the last thing I want to do is to be affectionate with someone. :\

  6. #3036
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    So, I randomly ran into my 'one that got away' at a comedy gig in Dublin the other night. I've been emotionally all over the place since. Sad songs and wine last night. OH, HI AGAIN, EMOTIONAL SCAR THAT NEVER REALLY HEALED.

  7. #3037
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    I ran into my one that got away at the mall a couple months ago. He was with his new girlfriend.

  8. #3038
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    Two things on my mind, lately: I think like, going forward with people I see, I need some sort of "must be this proactive about emotional labor to ride" sign or something. I like the people in my life but maaaan I hate when something awkward happens that is prompted by one of them and then *I* am the person who feels the need to smooth out the situation for everybody. WHEN I DIDN'T EVEN DO THE THING. And then you have people in your life who you ALREADY LIKE who are bad at it and it's TOO LATE NOW because you like them and womp

    Also, thankfully this is currently not the case, but holy shit I should not date anyone I feel competitive towards (and it's rare I feel competitive towards people so easy enough). Like, unless they're some sort of hella dominant person I admire where them consistently being smarter/better at shit than me just feels good, and I'm a happy loser, it gets real bad.
    Last edited by playwithfire; 09-05-2017 at 08:08 AM.

  9. #3039
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    today is our third wedding anniversary. we're not doing anything huge because we went to riot fest last weekend, but sarah's at least working from home this morning so we've been able to spend more time together, and we're getting pizza tonight. i'm glad i got to marry my best friend. and i'm glad that i can buy her a present like a foam bat'leth replica and not worry about whether or not she's going to like it. <3

  10. #3040
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    Quote Originally Posted by eversonpoe View Post
    today is our third wedding anniversary. we're not doing anything huge because we went to riot fest last weekend, but sarah's at least working from home this morning so we've been able to spend more time together, and we're getting pizza tonight. i'm glad i got to marry my best friend. and i'm glad that i can buy her a present like a foam bat'leth replica and not worry about whether or not she's going to like it. <3


    i think she likes it

  11. #3041
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    I'd taken a break from relationships, but I guess I'm diving back in. The introductory phase is still a little uncomfortable... There's still that "are we still on the same page?" coy thing I do the next day, that I need to fuck off with. I really like this girl... I really don't wanna fuck it up.

  12. #3042
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jinsai View Post
    I'd taken a break from relationships, but I guess I'm diving back in. The introductory phase is still a little uncomfortable... There's still that "are we still on the same page?" coy thing I do the next day, that I need to fuck off with. I really like this girl... I really don't wanna fuck it up.
    I hate that region of friendships and relationships. It is VERY rocky and nerve wracking.

  13. #3043
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    And I screwed up my attempts to repair my friendship with my ex. It's an awful feeling.

  14. #3044
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    ^^ that's really rough, dude. I'm sorry.

    All (2) of my NYC based non-platonic things seem to be fizzling out. One I've already decided is over (a fwb thing where the dude just dropped some major balls) and the other one I'm just beginning to think is a case of us not being compatible, but we've been going out for long enough that me talking about it with her (which I will be doing) might hurt some feelings and

    I think I've known her and I aren't compatible for a while now, and there are so many wonderful things about her, but our sexualities are so different (she's sweet and calm and cutesy and playful and I'm serious and intense and need to be driven by a lot of sexual tension and desire) that I think we'd be better off as friends. Because where we're at now... is I like cuddling with her, I like kissing her... but stuff transitioning to the bedroom is difficult. And I don't think I want to keep trying to self-motivate into being sexual with her and I just feel guilty and bad. If I'm honest with myself, I don't think I want to be anything but platonic with her at this point. I think I've been unsure for basically the whole time we've dated (like since February), and I'm only now beginning to accept that we aren't compatible. She has had Major Life Thing after Major Life Thing going on for her. Tons of health stuff and a family pet just died, and there's more health stuff coming up, and it makes me feel like if I address this with her now I'm going to be a monster but I just don't think I should wait either. Ugh. Ughhh.
    Last edited by playwithfire; 10-09-2017 at 11:12 PM.

  15. #3045
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    Today marked the end of the best relationship that ive ever had.
    three years of being in a relationship and a year of living together, the last few months really saw a decline in things, neither of us were happy for a few different reasons.

    As with any issues we always talked it out and worked to fix things, but it really was putting the strain on things emotionally.

    We both still love each other, incredibly, and I am glad we have managed to end things gracefully, without screaming, shouting or arguing.

    I have no doubt, that we will be able to maintain a relationship as friends, we have been best friends all this time, Just that the romantic relationship had faltered.

    I know what we have done is for the best, but it still feels like there is a massive hole left, it will take some major adjustment.

    I have had a relationship that lasted as long before, but by the end all there was was hate, so this is a strange one on me, and make things that much more difficult to swallow.

  16. #3046
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    Well, I think we're friends again. I'm just being guarded in case the old feelings come back. I think we're hanging out when I go to see Depeche Mode next month.

  17. #3047
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    New advice: Don't date anyone. Breaking things off is too horrible. I still haven't talked to her about stuff, though I guess that's happening this week.

    UgghhHHHHH. I'm having a hard time with this.

  18. #3048
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    The breakup that ~crushed~ me earlier in the year still fucking sucks. But a while ago he sincerely apologize for everything and we've slowly been talking again lately and he came to my birthday party the other night AND WE PLAYED AT A KINK PARTY AGAIN, and then I stayed over at his house, and gah. We've barely talked for five months, and just instantly, everything feels good again. I acknowledge that we might not get back together in a serious context or anything, but goddamn it I need this little fucking troll in my life, even if it is just as friends. I am just fucking HAPPY around him, and as anyone here who has met me can tell you, that is absolutely not my default mode.

  19. #3049
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    Quote Originally Posted by eskimo View Post
    I have met someone new, and it's different than the past many times I've met someone new, in a good way.

    I left my ex wife about 4 years ago, and I've been on a lot of dates since then, but this feels very different.

    She's a deep thinker. She's incredibly bright. Resilient as all hell. Beautiful, and kind. Works in childrens mental health, going to homes with at risk children to help them. Great taste in music too.

    Wow...I've only known her for a few weeks now, but I'm really, really optimistic here. Normally I say to my friend "I hope I don't screw this up" when what I really mean is "Hold my beer", because I usually say that when I don't understand someone, don't know what's going on, and I'm about to do something dumb. I feel like I understand this woman, and I feel like she understands me.

    At least, what I know of her. I'm blown away right now. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
    I really like her, we're two months in and everything is going really well, I'm a little bit confused about what to do sexually with her though.

    We haven't had sex, and I'm not sure if we ever will. She's said several times that we can, but the situation is complicated for me right now. I'm fine with it if we never do, and I hope to stay with her long-term regardless of whether we have sex or not.

    We met on a dating site, and in her profile she had said straight up that she identifies as grey/asexual, so the lack of sex is not surprising either, but I went from just assuming this wasn't going to happen, to being quite confused by the position I'm in now regarding it. I'm not grey/asexual, and I'm confused, because when I ask her what it's like, the things she says sound so much like me, and like everyone else I've met, that I'm really confused.

    And she's also said many times that we can have sex. It's not happened, but she's said we can a lot of times too. But the way she talks about it is really strange for me. Like, she says we can have sex, and she says that she's not sure what it would be like for her, because she's never had a positive sexual experience, and she doesn't even know what a healthy sexual experience would look like, but that she wants to have sex with me, because our relationship feels very different to her than any other she's had before, and she thinks that sex would probably feel very different than what she's had before too.

    She has also said that she's fine with us having sex, because if it does start to feel bad to her, she can just tune out and disappear inside her head. And that sounds awful to me. She's told me about her sexual history, and she's been repeatedly sexually assaulted in almost every sexual relationship she's ever had. After we had our first kiss, she told me it was the first time she'd kissed anyone other than her kids in over 10 years. We make out a lot, and we do things that are sexual, and she really seems to be enjoying them, and says she's enjoying them.

    She's also told me that she's never orgasmed, ever. She says that sometimes she'll get close but when she gets close she shuts it down and stops. I went down on her for the first time this past weekend, and she seemed to be enjoying it and suddenly told me to stop. I'm not sure if she was getting close to orgasm, or if it wasn't feeling good for her, but she stopped it either way.

    So we've talked about it a lot, and we've both agreed that it's fine if we never have sex. And we've also both said to each other that we want to have sex with each other too. I don't think that she's ever going to be enthusiastic about it, which is usually what gets me going. She seems like she's got a curiosity about it, but not excitement about it.

    If it happens, I want it to be good for her. I don't want her to "tune out" or to do it just for me. I know it's going to be a million miles better than her past experiences because her past experiences were pretty much all assaults, but if it happens, I want it to actually be good for her. I want her to have enjoyed it, not for it to have just been acceptable to her.

    I don't know what's going to happen with that part of it. I know that she's an amazing woman though. And she seems to like me as much as I like her, so I'm hoping we can keep that feeling strong and make this last.

    We're able to talk about this though, so whatever happens I'm sure we can figure it out together.

  20. #3050
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    I've never had a relationship and am 28. I do feel some pressure from my family to get a girlfriend but don't have interest in this tbh. Frankly, I feel that no one wants me. A bit gloomy but that's my honest assertion.

  21. #3051
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    Quote Originally Posted by eskimo View Post
    I really like her, we're two months in and everything is going really well, I'm a little bit confused about what to do sexually with her though.

    We haven't had sex, and I'm not sure if we ever will. She's said several times that we can, but the situation is complicated for me right now. I'm fine with it if we never do, and I hope to stay with her long-term regardless of whether we have sex or not.

    We met on a dating site, and in her profile she had said straight up that she identifies as grey/asexual, so the lack of sex is not surprising either, but I went from just assuming this wasn't going to happen, to being quite confused by the position I'm in now regarding it. I'm not grey/asexual, and I'm confused, because when I ask her what it's like, the things she says sound so much like me, and like everyone else I've met, that I'm really confused.

    And she's also said many times that we can have sex. It's not happened, but she's said we can a lot of times too. But the way she talks about it is really strange for me. Like, she says we can have sex, and she says that she's not sure what it would be like for her, because she's never had a positive sexual experience, and she doesn't even know what a healthy sexual experience would look like, but that she wants to have sex with me, because our relationship feels very different to her than any other she's had before, and she thinks that sex would probably feel very different than what she's had before too.

    She has also said that she's fine with us having sex, because if it does start to feel bad to her, she can just tune out and disappear inside her head. And that sounds awful to me. She's told me about her sexual history, and she's been repeatedly sexually assaulted in almost every sexual relationship she's ever had. After we had our first kiss, she told me it was the first time she'd kissed anyone other than her kids in over 10 years. We make out a lot, and we do things that are sexual, and she really seems to be enjoying them, and says she's enjoying them.

    She's also told me that she's never orgasmed, ever. She says that sometimes she'll get close but when she gets close she shuts it down and stops. I went down on her for the first time this past weekend, and she seemed to be enjoying it and suddenly told me to stop. I'm not sure if she was getting close to orgasm, or if it wasn't feeling good for her, but she stopped it either way.

    So we've talked about it a lot, and we've both agreed that it's fine if we never have sex. And we've also both said to each other that we want to have sex with each other too. I don't think that she's ever going to be enthusiastic about it, which is usually what gets me going. She seems like she's got a curiosity about it, but not excitement about it.

    If it happens, I want it to be good for her. I don't want her to "tune out" or to do it just for me. I know it's going to be a million miles better than her past experiences because her past experiences were pretty much all assaults, but if it happens, I want it to actually be good for her. I want her to have enjoyed it, not for it to have just been acceptable to her.

    I don't know what's going to happen with that part of it. I know that she's an amazing woman though. And she seems to like me as much as I like her, so I'm hoping we can keep that feeling strong and make this last.

    We're able to talk about this though, so whatever happens I'm sure we can figure it out together.
    you sound like an incredibly respectful and wonderful person to have as a partner. if more people were like you, i think there would be way less bullshit involved in relationships. good on you for respecting her boundaries. i hope you two can find a way to have a healthy sexual relationship, if things turn toward that. and if not, it seems like you're both still very much invested in each other emotionally, which can be its own reward.

  22. #3052
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    I’m going on a date with my ex for the first time since we split. When we first dated I was a virgin who never kissed a girl. Despite that, it was good until she kissed me and I didn’t know what to do. Now I’m not sure. I have no idea how this will go.

  23. #3053
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    So I had my birthday dinner date with the girl I’ve been talking to and WOW. I am starry eyed after how last night went. Everything was so natural, fun, humorous and completely on the same page. I have huge feels and genuine smiles. I really really like this girl. I think and hope it turns to more!

    It’s been so long since I’ve been hugged, touched and kissed. Last night’s version of events and all that criteria was met and it was so well paced and it felt so right...it’s been ages since I’ve felt this way. It feels so good.

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