Likes: 
Faceplams: Sucks. I hate money and credit. I wish public education and my parents did a better job of preparing me for that aspect of life
Active Member
Sucks. I hate money and credit. I wish public education and my parents did a better job of preparing me for that aspect of life
I was nobody. Nothing.
I don't think LIFE sucks.
MY life sucks and continues to devolve and it's all my fucking fault.
I would describe the situation in detail but it would be too embarrassing and I would be judged too much.
I will say this: I basically don't HAVE a life and feel like it ended about 3 years ago and now I'm just sitting here till I die.
My current dilemmas are also the reason why I'm here so much and post too (?) much.
Like 98% of my life is tv and ets. :/
But again, it's ALL MY FAULT.
LIFE iTSELF is fucking amazing.
Stubby Member
Originally Posted by elevenism
"And I've only got myself to blame. And I've only got myself to BLAME!" - very relatable lyric for you and me
Active Member
i think it is all perspective there have been times in my life when (on paper) probably not the right term but i will use it, anyways i should have been extremely happy but still felt unfulfilled and something was missing and unhappy. every morning i take 10 minutes centering and defining my place in the now at this point in time i guess you could call it meditation or Fripp defines it as morning sitting doesn't have to have a name but during this time I say out loud 5 things i am thankful for at that moment it helps to keep perceptive and hopefully semi frame my day
-Louie
Last edited by Louie_Cypher; 07-31-2018 at 05:44 PM.
I was nobody. Nothing.
DUDE!
Holy shit. I was just about to post that in the NIN lyrics that describe your current mood thread.
Active Member
Sucks even harder. Looks like I may have put a huge delay in my career. I want to be a teacher, but i didnt get a certification in college because my major (Rehab Studies) was way different than Political Science or History. And my GPA sucked. The requirement to get into a secondary certification program in Texas is a 2.5 graduating GPA or 2.5 in your last 60 hours. I've taken some Post Bacc courses but my last sixty hours is definitely not a 2.5. Also, my graduating GPA was a 2.491. I'm going to try to retake a couple courses I got a D in, but I'm not sure if the grade replacement will work. I'm going to need to call the certification program's office to figure out what I need to do. It just really sucks right now, because I would have to take so many courses to get a last 60 hour GPA of a 2.5. Oh well. I suppose it's all my fault.
Active Member
again i think it's important to maintain a healthy perspective be willing to forgive yourself and move on. if you dindn't hurt anyone. recognize that you've made a mistake. admit that you've made a bad decision. and given the opportunity again you would make a different decision that would lead to a more positive outcome. i find keeping a journal can be great to review your decisions and their resulting outcomes. i've even gone do far as to keep a work journal so at the end of the week i can review what I've done and if there is anything i need to adjust or change holy shit i spent 2 hours posting on ETS!! it's tough at first but soon becomes habit. i think developing an honest internal dialogue is healthy and positive. i think writing everyday like reading. has good long term cognitive effects.
-Louie
Active Member
All of this. I journal sporadically, I have a few note books full and a bunch of shit typed up on my laptop. This being over like the last 15 or so years. I'll long periods where i don't, but it's a good way to get things out. I've countless pages of shit i typed up and deleted, as means of a sort of purging, after a long term relationship ended a few years back. Imo it's similar to talking to someone about whatever may be on your mind. That and it's interesting to see how your thought process plays out. The forgiving of oneself and being open to the idea of change is a real motherfucker though. However it does seem to be a real possibility. If rather daunting, baby steps and all.
@elevenism I agree, sometimes we can be our worst enemy. But at least you can see some beauty in teh chaos.
Last edited by Pillfred; 08-04-2018 at 01:18 AM.
Hairy Member
FYI: Typically, either the grad replaces the old one or is averaged with the previous grade. The registrar's office or your advisor would know what the policy is for your school. I'm not sure of all of the teacher certification laws in Texas (I'm in Louisiana), but have you checked on working in a charter school until you pass the certification tests? With a good resume, you can sometimes get a foot in the door of a charter or private school with a GPA over 2.0, which you have. Also I KNOW some of my former Texas students have been able to get through with stories like yours. Hit me up in PM if you ever want help searching. Awesome career choice, dude. Good luck!!!! <3
Last edited by dedevoce; 08-04-2018 at 12:11 PM.
Active Member
i would also go so far as to state that journaling does to reinforce the benefits of positive synchronicity i do think there is something to writing down your goals to more from the ether of thought to the physical world. i won't endorse some like the " the secret" but last i checked paper and pencils and paper are cheap, if if that puts you on the path to being a billionaire, just remember where you heard it.
-louie
Active Member
Life is so hard right now. I feel like I'm going nowhere. I didn't know what I wanted to grow up to be. Still have no idea. Never had any goals, just drifted through life, directionless.
Regardless of the job or project, I see virtually no return for my efforts, no matter how much I put in. Every waking hour is spent working. I feel drained all the time, yet I am expected to be on the ball 24/7. Money is a constant worry. This age of the Internet, where everyone has a little cardboard box to stand on and scream their 'content' is *impossible* to thrive in.
My 'friends' from school, university, and various other places since dropped me as soon as it was convenient. Haven't heard a whisper from any of them in years. Attempts to get in contact have been met with a stone wall. It's not like we didn't get along at the time. I suppose they only became friends due to the mutual situation, and never really cared. The silver lining is that I don't need to care about them, either.
Relationships within my family are strained. There is one person who has decided to have a (rather petty but no less damaging) personal vendetta against me. Another person who I love dearly recently moved to another country permanently. My parents look at me with sad eyes, and wonder what they did wrong. I have had to learn to keep my mouth shut, as almost everything I say is misunderstood as aggression. Talking about my problems is met with anything but comfort. So, I only communicate in a very basic way with them.
The one grandparent I have left is dying. I have prepared myself for the inevitable phone call, but I worry it will destroy me nevertheless.
I feel like I completely missed out on being a teenager. I was more interested in being in the comfort of my own home than partying. The rest of the time was spent with my head down studying. The same was true during my university years. I never went to the pub, never had sex, never took any risks. Even at this stage in my life, I have no desire to seek out a partner. Looking at where everyone else is now, they're all settled down with spouses and/or kids. I didn't even step into square one. The thought of bringing up a screaming pink blob revolts me. To be honest, I am convinced that I would snap its neck.
I hate myself. This body, this face, this voice. I wish it would all disappear. I wanted to be the opposite sex years ago, but back then, it was taboo. Now it seems it's all the rage, but too much time has passed. It's too late for me. I am what I am. Dysphoria is perpetual.
Depression is a constant factor that just never goes away. Thankfully thoughts of suicide have mostly died down. At this point I'm just tired and don't care about anything anymore. Nothing matters. Everything is ephemeral. Everything will be forgotten.
The saddest thing is, I haven't been this happy in years.
Stubby Member
Life is nice, people are not.
I was nobody. Nothing.
Dig this @katara .
@Pillfred , oh, I SEE beauty everywhere. And I'm not constantly miserable. It's just that I'm not LIVING really, not by societal standards. That being said, I'm goddamn lucky that my family is well off or I might be on the streets.
Basically I came up here with my wife to take care of my mom. It was great at first, after years of struggling, but it soured after about a year.
Then I broke my back. Now I'm fucking disabled and addicted to painkillers, in a town of 2000 people.
I have whatever I want/need, and a lot of people would kill to be in this situation, just fixing a few meals and running errands now and then for room and board, but not really ACHIEVING anything, EVER, starts to fuck with you.
Breaking my fucking back at 35 is the worst of it (hence the "3 years ago" bit.)
Now it's hard to see a way out, PLUS, my mom TOTALLY expects me to be here till she dies and she's only fucking SIXTY, hahaha.
But I'm gonna figure SOMETHING out and I AM addressing the addiction soon.
There. That's basically my "tale of ennui." That's not TOO embarrassing I guess.
Last edited by elevenism; 08-04-2018 at 02:57 PM.
Hairy Member
Saw this Simpsons clip and it reminded me of this thread. So maybe the moral is that life is hard so we can make art out of barbecues.
Active Member
Hey, fwiw, while I don't relate to the following bit about settling down/babies (because noooooope, not for me) I relate to this part HARD.
I was homeschooled and then went to a pretty focused school, and then worked a lot. I never had the like... party and hook up experiences in my teens or early twenties that so many of my peers did, and I deeply relate to envying folks who have/did. I think some tiny party of me is still bitter about it. I guess a nicer way to look at it is that I missed out on what would have been some really awkward hookups, since the small quantity of encounters I did have pre-22 (and then I spent for 4 years in a relationship, wheeee) were mostly awkward as heck. I didn't know how to talk to people when it came to that kind of stuff and I was clueless about people being into me. Maybe those two things are still kinda true, but I'm better at it than I used to be for sure.
Re: dysphoria, while I can't speak from experience, I wouldn't say it's too late for you. I know people who've had similar worries who then had a lot of joy when they chose to move forward with gender-confirming stuff.
Trollhunter
Update: still sucks no matter how hard I climb and fight. Seems like all I do is survive, which while I give myself credit for doing so, it would be nice to thrive for once.
Active Member
i think it's important to live in and sense for the moment I know a lot of people to meticulously plan ever aspect of their life only to hit one speed bump and sink into depression and feel they failed a very good and wise sensie sorry for the spelling their are people with a natural gift for something in this case martial arts who have to work hard at everyday and others who it just happens for without much effort both will face a wall a some point, the one who has had to work this will be business as usual for the "natural" this will probably be new and unusual territory and a much larger obstacle to overcome. so people i mentor let me rephrase that seek my advise am i some wise old know it all ass, by no means and hope i don't come across that way although i do mouth off on this board a bit. i hope i am always learning listening and improving. look I've seen a bit for my 53 years on this rock i do like to offer any insight in to difficulties i have faced, in hopes that it can be easier for them .
-louie
Last edited by Louie_Cypher; 08-05-2018 at 01:28 PM.
Active Member
Thanks. I needed that. I'm going to contact the alternative certification program i was going to try today to see how that works on their end. Need to get this figured out soon because my wife is applying for vet school and if she gets in, she starts in Fall 2019.
I was nobody. Nothing.
Also it could be worse.
Nursing was my passion. I would also like to be a counselor or a teacher.
But, HEY, I got charged with a (not very violent) violent crime and all that shit is out the window.
I mean I could get the fucking degree and try to explain myself to the employer (it was ten years ago, it didn't happen like they said, etc) but it would be a fucking crap shoot at best.
Alt-Left Leaning Cunt
While I don't work in admissions, I do work in higher education, and I would suggest a couple of things.
First, get in touch with the college that you want to attend. Ask them what their policy is when your GPA is that close to the cutoff. There has been a recent transition in higher education where they review applications "holistically", and unless you're looking to get into a super top-tier school, most of them will tell you to address previous poor performance and grades in your admissions essay or to put it in an addendum. The longer ago it was, the better. I recently got into a really good and selective graduate program, and I had to address my shit grades the first time I went to college in my application. My first term in college (15 years ago), I had a 1.187. Terrible. But this last time I went to college, I had pretty decent grades. Nothing spectacular, but slightly below a 3.3.
If they seem to be holding firm on the 2.5, then look at a couple of community colleges and see if there are any courses there that would fulfill what you need to retake. It will save you a hell of a lot of money. Retake a couple that you KNOW you can excel in, and that should be enough to get you over the 2.5. Hell, even one A should put you above a 2.5, I would think.
Universities aren't as strict as they present themselves to be, and they do offer a little wiggle room. Work with someone to make sure that your admissions essay and addendum are AMAZING. People underestimate the value of those essays.
I wish you luck. I just finally finished my undergraduate degree, 15 years after I graduated high school, and all of the students I work with are also adults coming back to college after a break. I know the stress that comes with it, but if you can find a way to make it work, it will be worth it in the end.
Last edited by Sarah K; 08-07-2018 at 06:53 AM.
Active Member
Still sucks. While my Dad was in hospital they somehow missed his low iron count from their blood tests, which was only picked up when I booked an appointment for him to see his doctor. His doctor has now made an urgent referral for my Dad to see GI consultant and have further tests. Very worrying due to his age and the fact he is a long time smoker. Hard times.
Active Member
Think it's about time I move from this back woods seasonal vacation land where i haven't once even entered the water. In reality the actual city itself some how has not only not changed in the 15 years since i lived here before moving back but has some how seemingly gotten worse. It's due to city politics from what I've heard its as if they don't want growth? I am also currently staying with friends of a friend and while they are super cool and the rent is cheap I've been looking into getting my own place as it's time. I need more than a room with a bed and a desk. That said the rent here, the city not currently, while not high is a bit much for the money I am currently making, doable but it would be tight. With the "off-season" approaching promising a cut in hours when i've barely hit a consistent 40 over the "busy" time, while also being short staffed, does not bode well for my options This coupled with the fact that my '97 intrepid is need need of tires, a tie rod, and brakes by winter if im to not end up in the ditch at some point on the 30 mile round trip i make to work everyday has me thinking that i may be better served moving back across the river to ND. There I have plenty of work options, and the use of public transport and a city that is currently seeing good growth. And shows, I've been to two shows since I've moved here. I don't even think about the ones i have missed, due my shitty car and tight funds. At the same time i did move here to sort of calm my tits a bit as i was getting pretty far off the rails prior to my buddy talking me into coming. I have since gotten my DL back and some things sorted out. I do in a way feel i may be heading back into the belly of the beast, but I also have things, my living/work situation that need sorting out in my life as well like possibly finishing my degree as well other things that the move may help facilitate. Also, i have a lot of friends i haven't seen in the last two years as well. My moms moved back to SD recently as well which was part of why I came so i'd be able to visit her more often as she's getting old. All this I have been kicking around in my head for some time, but the other day one of my old chef's text me out of the blue wondering if i'd be willing to come back and work for him. (this was probably one of my favorite places i've worked at) I've gotten messages from others since being here as well, but at the time i felt i had to repay the kindness i was shown coming here by the roomies and big homie who gave me rides to work while i was working on sorting out my dl stuff. It's since been a year since I've done that and i feel my time here is coming to a close. Like with anything it wont be ideal for anyone involved i imagine on this end or for myself on the other, but I've come to realize that holing up in the woods while beautiful when not staring down a black bear in the middle of the night is certainly not the worst way to spend my time is by far also not the best use of it i could be making.
Throbbing Member
It's f'ing awesome. Sure, everyday is a struggle with job, stress, money, relationships, apathy, sadness, politics, etc. Then sometimes I go for a walk and watch the birds, squirrels (or the bison and that amazing bison reserve!) or get a little further away and get to sit by one of many of Minnesota's gorgeous waterfalls. And, I think to myself, this really is it and what it's about. It's beautiful. We're such a speck of nothing in this grand world. It's an honor to be here for a short time, despite all the crap.
Down, but not out.
I was also reminded of the same exact thing. Now just combine that with wishing and also feeling that you have to fix everything, feeling that you should've also gotten everything right the first time, while also wanting to find a permanent yet safe, sane and secure escape from it all. Even without this thread, it definitely also reminded me of the general struggles and challenges of life.Saw this Simpsons clip and it reminded me of this thread. So maybe the moral is that life is hard so we can make art out of barbecues.
Active Member
I turned 30 today. Meh....
grrr. woof.
i gained 30 pounds in 30 days when i turned 30. my metabolism turned its back on me immediately.
anyway, happy birthday.
Active Member
the 30s are good. & since you're here, you show very good musical taste for your age group. happy birthday!
Active Member
in addition to the usual suckiness associated with my all of my joints slowly disintegrating from RA, dealing with a flare up of shingles. i first got it "young" several years ago because they fuck with my immune system during RA treatments. the rash wasn't too bad, small & under my hairline but it affected the nerves in my inner ear causing vertigo & other fun. was unable to work or do much of anything for 2 months. have had a few minor flare ups (once you get shingles it can come back at any time with no warning) but this one is feeling more major. having it hit on the holiday weekend didn't help as i was unable to get on the nasty drugs until tuesday. i can feel a rash trying to come out on my face, around my eye. not good. the drug isn't quite chemo (i have to do that every 4 months) but is no picnic. fingers crossed that i got it in time to prevent something way worse. it's going to be close. that being said, some days i just feel like jumping. i've been battling RA for close to 10 years & the shit has hit the fan this year. i had been trying to keep working until age 60 (2.5 more years) but its becoming increasingly obvious that's not happening. the docs have said no way but i've proven them wrong before. time to lawyer up so i can collect on the long term disability insurance. i really don't want to leave my hated work place in a body bag. maybe without that stress i'll live a bit longer. maybe.
This Cannot Continue
One of my last friends got engaged last week, and i'm super happy it finally happened for her (i'm putting together an office card, as we work together, to celebrate and get her an engagement present...a LEGO statue of liberty she's been eyeing since it was released a few months back as a joint engagement and birthday gift) but it also means the last person who had anytime for me anymore (who has struggled to find said time lately, it was a month after my birthday before we did anything...and that was the only thing i did for said birthday) probably won't have said time anymore...and that's really depressing to me. Really happy for her but also really depressed i'll be alone now...
Down, but not out.
@dedevoce - I missed my chance to share this clip from The Simpsons in return. That quote sums how it can suck even when things aren't all that bad. It's even more inescapable at night.
And since it's ETS, oh the spoils of a wasted life, indeed. I'm still trying though, but damn. It sometimes keeps on dragging.
Come to think of it, and I haven't watched The Simpsons in a while again, but as I get older I definitely find myself relating to that show more and more. It makes it even better since I loved it as a kid anyway.
Reply With Quote
