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Thread: The Mental Health thread - depression, bipolar, ADHD, you name it

  1. #781
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    Thank you @allegro and @kel

    This has been something I deal with for about 3 years now. I am just taking little steps to have a normal life again. I think I'm gonna go back to my mental health nurse and schedule cognitive therapy.

  2. #782
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    edit/ nevermind
    Last edited by aggroculture; 11-21-2017 at 03:57 PM.

  3. #783
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    I personally knew that I had depression by the time I was 9 though I did not get proper treatment till I was 18. That is when my drill sergeant heard that I was thinking about hurting myself so of course he got me seen A.S.A.P. Long story short I have Severe depression, Generalized Anxiety disorder, A.D.H.D. as well as P.T.S.D. and they think that I am autistic. I struggle everyday with this pain as well as others. If you feel that there is anything wrong do not hesitate to get help. Don't let things build up the way that I did.

  4. #784
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    Quote Originally Posted by aggroculture View Post
    edit/ nevermind
    These are always my thoughts.

  5. #785
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    pit of misery, dilly dilly

  6. #786
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    Today, worst depression I've had for years. I feel emptiness and no hope. Happens.

  7. #787
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    Quote Originally Posted by ton View Post
    Today, worst depression I've had for years. I feel emptiness and no hope. Happens.
    Shit, hang in there. HMU if you like.

  8. #788
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    I'm so f-ing depressed and I don't know what to do. HELP!!!!!!

  9. #789
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    I just started taking Lexapro. Things haven't been great for me for the last two or three years, save for late 2015/early 2016, but things have been ROUGH since August. The culmination was a giant panic attack just before a test I had a few weeks ago (they let me retake it, thankfully). It's early days, but I feel a bit better. The only side effect so far is that I feel a lot more tired than normal.

  10. #790
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    I'm really sad.

  11. #791
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    Quote Originally Posted by playwithfire View Post
    I'm really sad.
    :: hug ::

    sorry, dude. i've been having a really rough time lately, too. if i lived in NY i'd come hug you in person.

  12. #792
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    <3 solidarity, I'm sorry stuff has been sucking for you.

  13. #793
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    I just want to die.

  14. #794
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yellowlovebear2 View Post
    I just want to die.
    Still with us, feller? Say yes, please.

    ///

    How am I just now understanding Cyclothymia is a thing?

    ///

    Anyone here experience or has experienced depersonalization and/or derealization (DP/DR) while completely sober?

    Thankfully I don't have the disorder, not anymore at least (once upon a time I might've been diagnosable - pretty sure my counselor back then didn't want to risk scaring me with that). When all is said and done, it has been, by far, the biggest and darkest illness/experience to meet my brain in these 30 years, not to mention likely being the alien that gave birth to a host of new issues I've lost track of (so to speak - IMO every issue is a part of the same original psyche in some way, however finely threaded). If I could erase one trauma from my life...it wouldn't be seeing my dad unexpectedly die in front of me, or anything else...no--it'd be DP/DR. But I guess it might have been bound to happen for me at some point. A very, very perplexing and completely frightening state to have to go through, particularly in my first year of the countless times it happened. Everybody is different, but I have to assume that mine would have fallen on the scale under moderate-to-severe, if not severe.

    The very first time it happened (2013), I am pretty sure I was 100% sober, and if I wasn't, it would've been a small enough weed hit some hours before what transpired, to turn a new reality. I usually have a good memory about these things, like most things, but it's understandable where my brain is apparently lacking pieces from that evening and night. Of course, I am well aware weed can trigger it, as can a psychedelic (as well as some other things, a prescription drug for skin care, I seem to remember, and of course just plain ole high stress/anxiety). Anyways, I won't go into full details, but it was dark out, and there was one trigger that had been culminating in my worries for some time. When the switch was made, it was obviously completely, completely unexpected (zero knowledge or frame of reference as to what was going on), while not occurring in a stressful environment to me (albeit with high stimuli). I absolutely thought I had...gone...crazy... With whatever brain I could still feel I had, I thought that and I truly believed that. To go from normal conscious reality to feel as though I was suddenly faceplanted up to a TV screen and watching...staring out...not realizing anything anymore...not feeling nothing anymore... To truly feel without a soul, let alone a body. NOTE: This would last for hours, as all of the future episodes would; not some kind of "brain hiccup". If only.

    The problem today for me is it's still on my brain's table of selection to turn to in response to something so stressful. Something that is considered high stress/anxiety is so unique to each person. For example, becoming ill can throw off my whole being, potentially pretty quickly, and I can start to fall to the "other side". And if I'm about to throw up...well, DP/DR has been almost a sure thing to accompany. Extra dreadful. Night time...night time for me is 100x more likely to produce an episode than daytime. More often than not, when I’m indoors, unless it’s bedtime, even if it’s noon on a sunny day I will have had all lights turned on, without even thinking about it. I have to be very comfortable with my mind, my environment, and company to go for dim lighting.

    The reason it shook my life up so bad was, even after an episode would stop, or in a brand new morning (where everything is appearing fine as it was for me)...I simply couldn’t resume the normal reality. I couldn’t let it go. I didn’t want to? It was the twisted thought processes and realizations I had in the other realm that left a scar...the awareness acquired in such a devaluing state was too shocking. Needless to say, this inability to cease being stuck only worsened my stress and anxiety. Greatly. In moments that the world around me was as normal as could be, my thoughts would grow to become very detached (almost how it is in an episode), without a feeling of grip on them whatsoever, as if my fixation on all my problems and existence around me would put me in a limbo. I would essentially get no satisfaction or sense or connection out of life as it were, for however long I would keep that tick up...and sometimes actually have an episode as a result. And this cycle went on, and on, and on, and on. For too terribly long. Everything in my life got way worse before it got any better.

    I’ve come a long way in understanding how I and/or my brain works in all sorts of situations, not just the bad/stressful ones; I believe therein lies the hitch that began it all for me. A deficiency of self understanding.
    Last edited by Amaro; 02-12-2018 at 06:56 PM.

  15. #795
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    @Amaro I've been going through something that's slightly similar. It starts with deja vu and includes like phantom smells, a pervading sense of unreality, and sheer fucking terror.
    I thought I was losing my mind, but it turns out that a type of seizure can cause every bit of what happens to me, and it's not even all that rare.

    It happened to me for a couple of days last year. Then it went away for about six months, up until last week.

    Reading the symptoms for partial complex seizures, I am 99% sure that they are the culprit, especially since these episodes are accompanied by grand mal seizures.

    So yeah, I realize that it isn't exactly the same thing, but I can relate for sure. I feel like I'm in a dream, and my perception of time is fucked up.
    Last edited by elevenism; 02-12-2018 at 05:47 PM.

  16. #796
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    The Mental Health thread - depression, bipolar, ADHD, you name it

    Quote Originally Posted by elevenism View Post
    @Amaro I've been going through something that's slightly similar. It starts with deja vu and includes like phantom smells, a pervading sense of unreality, and sheer fucking terror.
    I thought I was losing my mind, but it turns out that a type of seizure can cause every bit of what happens to me, and it's not even all that rare.

    It happened to me for a couple of days last year. Then it went away for about six months, up until last week.

    Reading the symptoms for partial complex seizures, I am 99% sure that they are the culprit, especially since these episodes are accompanied by grand mal seizures.

    So yeah, I realize that it isn't exactly the same thing, but I can relate for sure. I feel like I'm in a dream, and my perception of time is fucked up.
    I've never heard of this condition, nor have I known of such an episode to exist... I'm sorry to hear it, man. Seizures of any kind are a ballgame I can only sympathize with. Ticking time bombs, what a fucking thing to live with...I don’t want to imagine...it’s hard to. Involuntary and undesirable disassociation is so close to my heart; I'll forever be leaning shoulders to anybody trying to walk thru that world. Keep up the research game, as I'm guessing you do, and mitigate with as clean of medicine (self or prescribed) as you can, and forget not the power of diet and meditation (and that tapping in each time can potentially bring you deeper to inner peace than you knew you could). You know you best.

    A thought: when I grow older, I really doubt any neurodegenerative illness or illnesses will strike me and miss. My brain feels so faulty already, especially lately, though I'm sure I'm forgetting that it may actually just be my rather intense mood swings (then again I don't know what that fucking says about my actual brain, or what it ever may have meant before).

    For example, I totally never ever meant to volunteer my personal accounts of disassociation from the post above, it's truly very personal, but it just--BOOM--apparently had to happen that day, inexplicably. Had to. And I've learned through becoming vulnerable, in a straightforward example like that one, that on a normal basis I very consistently fight hard to keep my vulnerabilities (of all varying degrees) from people, on top of other filters I have in play. Unsurprisingly, I end up kidding myself just as much, if not more, than anyone else, like as if those secrets aren't actually mine anymore. No, bad things do not necessarily define a person completely, and it's absolutely vital to not allow that defining (because ultimately, or after a certain point, I believe that sort of thing is part choice), but I feel like I've been outright condemning parts from my past because I think I can’t deal, because normally I wouldn’t or don’t even try to. I’m unconsciously casting too deep a separation. From this, I feel I've been going about reaching closures a bit haphazardly, sacrificing being able to attain long-term perspective on issues that have in fact been a notable part of my life. I believe this all comes back 'round to the important role and sheer power of acceptance. Only from there is the true start or re-start to your own life guide.

    There have been some peculiar moments where I'll stop—realize just how fragile the/my pscyhe is, or, rather how the reality around us is so self-defined (cue matters of the ego). All from experiencing perspectives of having felt it and the self disintegrate (bless this Flaming Lips song), in the ways I've brought up.

    I'm fairly positive I was misdiagnosed a form of Bipolar around 15 years ago... I never seemed to receive clear or enough diagnoses to what feels like a lot of things going on in me. Quite possibly Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Definitely not quite ever a panic disorder. Most likely Depersonalization and/or Derealization Disorder of the past (as I mentioned earlier). I don’t think ADD or ADHD, though my attention can be a problem. Maybe Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder or some symptoms. 100% sure of "Pure O" (behold, my biggest mental health affliction, next to DP/DR). Avoidant Personality Disorder would hold a ton of truth (though I would say I defy it more and more slowly with age). Cyclothymia or some symptoms sounds like a really safe call. Aspergers had come up in discussions along my way... But, maybe Borderline Personality Disorder. I've come to consider that one, after substantial time, and after great, great struggle of accepting that as a possibility...or at least some symptoms. Right now, what I do know is I'm digging rather deep within my self and bigger decisions as of late, being in a brand new environment from a big relocation, something I'm very sensitive to (for better or worse for this time in my life), based on my upbringing of frequent change. It's all exciting, sometimes overwhelming, and just a little scary. There’s this novel feeling I now have around my head of ‘letting it all hang out’... I feel like I’m just now learning how to trust my guts!

    This hoppy beer has really helped my attention and nerves tonight.
    Last edited by Amaro; 03-01-2018 at 04:59 PM.

  17. #797
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    @Amaro , thanks for the lovely writing!

  18. #798
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    The Mental Health thread - depression, bipolar, ADHD, you name it

    Quote Originally Posted by elevenism View Post
    @Amaro , thanks for the lovely writing!
    Happy to. I may or may not have edited some minor things, but the message is certainly still up! :>

    I’m thinking of anybody out there going through things right now (I’ve had enough of my own issues today [that feeling when you just need to clear the air around you…every fucking ion]).
    Last edited by Amaro; 02-18-2018 at 01:52 PM.

  19. #799
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    I've been experimenting with psilocybin as a possible treatment for my depression. I take medication, but I hate the side effects and the benefits seem to be hit or miss. I know I'm not the only one, but still it's a struggle. If I continue to get good results, I may make it a permanent thing. I am taking 1.5 grams every two days, and I'm starting to notice some positive benefits.

  20. #800
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    Quote Originally Posted by think i'm a fire engine View Post
    I've been experimenting with psilocybin as a possible treatment for my depression. I take medication, but I hate the side effects and the benefits seem to be hit or miss. I know I'm not the only one, but still it's a struggle. If I continue to get good results, I may make it a permanent thing. I am taking 1.5 grams every two days, and I'm starting to notice some positive benefits.
    I was wondering when this thread would take from the Drugs thread, just a little... I’m working on a blend of supplements currently (brand spanking new: L-Tyrosine & 5-HTP 10:1, and Inositol, as for the specialty ones), never have tried mushrooms, and I’m not sure if I will ever (want to). But if we are talking about microdosing...I really wonder about achieving something potentially great from that. I want to believe.

  21. #801
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    Anyone ever feel like Mexican Jesus driving a taco truck through hell?
    There's no customers but everyone's thirsty and you're all out of lemonade.
    Joking is too easy, but does it make it more or less real?

  22. #802
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    Please everyone show your support for Kevin Love and Demar Derozan. They are both on Facebook. Thanks.

  23. #803
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amaro View Post
    I was wondering when this thread would take from the Drugs thread, just a little... I’m working on a blend of supplements currently (brand spanking new: L-Tyrosine & 5-HTP 10:1, and Inositol, as for the specialty ones), never have tried mushrooms, and I’m not sure if I will ever (want to). But if we are talking about microdosing...I really wonder about achieving something potentially great from that. I want to believe.
    Been taking 400mg of 5-HTP for almost two years now. Doesn't completely stave off the depressive cycles but makes them a bit more bearable. And none of the shitty AD side effects.

  24. #804
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    I need some advice.

    A good friend and colleague of mine is in trouble, it seems. He's always been very pessimistic, fatalistic and stressed out about basically everything he encountered at work/life that's challenging. So a few weeks ago a new couch he bought was delivered in broken condition. And that seemingly sent him over the cliff. He's on sick leave since then, because he's - in his own words - making his mind up all night , not letting him get rest or sleep.

    He then went on to watch a lot of documentaries about depression, because years earlier he got diagnosed with severe depression and got in treatment for it for a few sessions. He aborted those, because he wanted to enter civil service and, in our country, they won't let you with certain "issues", such as mental illness. So now he's in civil service and is insured with a private insurance company. The problem now is: He's somehow under the impression that he might not have informed that company in enough detail about his earlier aborted treatment, so in his mind it's not unlikely that they won't not even pay for future bills, but are likely to take back every cent they spent on him in the last couple years. That's why he refuses to leave the house, drive a car, go to a therapist (his depression is not the problem here, but the insurance stuff, he says). He even told another friend how it must be better for his family, if he ended his life right there and then, because that way his family would only have to put up with the funeral costs, instead of all the money he, in his mind, owes the insurance company, whenever they find out about it.

    So, being that he's a good friend, I want to help him, because -in my mind- the stuff he's so afraid of isn't likely to happen. But how do I help him? What's the best way not to put any more pressure on him? The way I see it: He needs someone professional to talk to - not in this case specifically, but for his everyday struggle with work and life and stuff. But for now, I think, it would be best for him to make his fears about that insurance stuff go away... but how? I'm a bit at loss here.

  25. #805
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    I don't believe insurance companies can deny coverage for preexisting conditions anymore. One of the few good aspects of aca.

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    Just recently got back on medication to deal with my overall mood swings and for the most part, it's been really helping me ... but on ugly rainy days like we're having in St. Louis today, man oh man does my depression weigh on me. I deal with immense anxiety from work, bolts on anger from my short fuse from frustration and overwhelming sadness for a variety of things. Being on Xanax and my new Equetro mediciation has been working, but a lot has been weighing on my mind.

    Thinking of how older we get as life moves forward makes me depressed and in many ways, I hope I die before my parents do. I'm 30 years old and with my Mother recently going on dialysis last year, I start to get immensely depressed about the thought of both my Mother and Father no longer in this world. Thinking about how fast life flashed before me, I have selfish thoughts of hoping that in some way my life dissipates before my parents. Technically, they would eventually die twice as no parent should have to bury their child ... and I don't necessarily have suicidal thoughts, but I worry about my future without my parents guiding their light as the years pass away.

  27. #807
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    Quote Originally Posted by thefragile_jake View Post
    Thinking of how older we get as life moves forward makes me depressed and in many ways, I hope I die before my parents do. I'm 30 years old and with my Mother recently going on dialysis last year, I start to get immensely depressed about the thought of both my Mother and Father no longer in this world. Thinking about how fast life flashed before me, I have selfish thoughts of hoping that in some way my life dissipates before my parents. Technically, they would eventually die twice as no parent should have to bury their child ... and I don't necessarily have suicidal thoughts, but I worry about my future without my parents guiding their light as the years pass away.
    i know exactly how you feel, dude. it's a really odd thing to think about.

  28. #808
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    I'm finally seeing a therapist for my depression. After one session it seemed to really help. I've been depressed and guilty since breaking up with my girlfriend in 2012. All this time I felt like I made a bad choice.. I've kept it a secret for years but I explained to my therapist that things changed, I had spoken with her several times "this needs to change or we're done" and they didn't..so I pulled the trigger..My therapist brought it to my attention that of course I'm going to be sad, I didn't WANT to end it..I tried to fix it. That revelation really opened my eyes. I still feel depressed and guilty and would take her back in a heart beat..but I feel good knowing I'm getting the help I need.

  29. #809
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    Yesterday, I was having more intrusive thoughts yesterday than I've had in a while. I'm okay, good opportunity to reassess my healthy coping skills and examine if anything might be contributing to them. But, oh hi, that part of my mental illness. I wonder to what degree hormonal birth control impacts/helps with that since I've been off the pill this year (it does a lot for my hormonal depression).

  30. #810
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    The state of the friend I spoke of above really worries me.
    He's under the impression that he's in a situation in life, where he can't get out of. Said situation doesn't seem bad at all from the outside - I even asked a lawyer about it, who said there should be nothing for my friend to worry about.

    My friend hasn't eaten much in the last few weeks, says he doesn't have enough energy in him to go seek the necessary help, because he says he needs all his energy for the next few weeks at work, which are going to be tough. Also, he can't sleep.

    He's not in denial about his condition, but he's doing nothing to get said help. Even when offered help and ways to get there (by his friends). Yet, he's home alone ivesting all his time and energy in reading stuff on the internet about alleged problems he might have in life, which ouf course is making everything even worse.

    I'm worried about him. And I don't know what to do.

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