The Mental Health thread - depression, bipolar, ADHD, you name it

[kel]

I work as Quality Assurance for a company and just heard probably the saddest call and it kind of dawned on me...I don't know how to trust people anymore. This was just a trigger of sorts.

can i ask what happened? i worked for humana briefly and felt beyond miserable after 9/10 calls. even a few suicide threats from desperate people who needed help i couldn't provide.

hugs, swykk.

[allegro]

Ugh, I couldn't do a job like that! Hugs to both of you!

[elevenism]

@allegro , as far as the rationality or irrationality of the death thing...
i know it's going to happen, i know it's not crazy.
but the amount of TIME i spend thinking about death is ridiculous.
And it's not just my mother...i think about all of my loved ones dying. That's a big part of how my depression manifests.

I THINK this wellbutrin is starting to work some though.

[Swykk]

Mom calls in on son's behalf. She's making sure the bill is caught up. Son has cancer and his treatments wipe him out (I know this all too well). His CUNT COWARDLY SOULLESS wife bailed on him, saying "she couldn't handle it" but not before withdrawing all of their joint bank account.

I know I'm heavily biased here, having both had cancer and an evil wife (who cheated on me but thankfully didn't take what little money I had at the time).

I just don't get how people do these things to each other. I've been kicked when I was down too. Things like what happened to me and what I see, hear and read what others do to each other...it has made me very withdrawn. It's not that I like being alone. I hate it. It's more like who can I trust to NOT be like these fucking scumbags?

[elevenism]

I hate it. It's more like who can I trust to NOT be like these fucking scumbags?

it's hard.
my very best friend of like 27 years fucked my brother's wife when they got in a fight.
Also, i had a super close friend of like 15 years. We worked together, slept at each other's houses, had apartments together, were comfortable saying i love you to each other...we were that close.
Well, my ex and i had a rough patch and he zoomed in and the next fucking thing i knew, they were ENGAGED. And it was like...ANYBODY but him, you know? I could have handled her being with ANYONE but him. it was so fucked up. He died of a heroin overdose a few months later, which fucked my head up even worse considering i WANTED him dead at the time.

So even though these are different events than yours, they had the same outcome.
I mean, these were the two closest family friends that my brother and i have ever had. The one that fucked his wife was one of the founding members of our graffiti crew. We had been kicking it since i was like 7 and my brother was 5. We had lived our whole lives together.
And the other guy, the one who got my fiancee, he had lived with me and my brother in a couple of different situations. We had helped him SO fucking much...giving him places to stay, taking him to rehab...i mean we were CLOSE.
And to have these two guys fuck our girls as soon as our backs were turned, well....
i have a hard time trusting anyone now.
I doubt if i ever will, other than my wife and mother.
I've tried to maintain my friendship with the one who fucked my brother's wife but it's very, very tricky.

So yes, i feel you man.

[Charmingly Miserable]

Despite some unglamorous things like being eternally single, life is beautiful. Just thought I would share.

[Halo Infinity]

It seems like keeping things light and impersonal has helped me immensely, although I still have to work on it. I was still thinking about this, and this thread seems to be the only place that this post would fit into. Keeping things light and impersonal was a far more important task than I ever realized it was before as it has sometimes helped me find ways to let things go and move on and even prevent conflict and misunderstandings. I still have many regrets though, and have done far more giving up and running away than letting go.

I also apologize for some of the threads and posts I've made out of a bad mood with bad judgement though. I just wanted to at least put that out there. And not that I got in trouble here recently or anything, but looking through some of my older threads and posts makes me cringe for lots of reasons, as I know it's all on me due to me bringing it upon myself. Heck, I'm still making mistakes here, but I suppose that's also just a normal part of being human. However, I also don't want to be a burden.

I also see how this is almost like an Airing of Grievances post about myself, but it still seemed to belong here more. And like other things, it took me far too long to realize it and accept it. Thanks to those that have taken the time to hear me out and converse with me on and off ETS. Your words of kindness, encouragement and compassion have certainly gone a long way for me. And well, it certainly went back to me posting only when I'm in a good mood, or when I'm not completely bored. As it turns out, my emotions also go haywire whenever I'm completely bored, or even sleepy for that matter.

[DigitalChaos]

This month marks 1 year for the start of THE most stressful period in my life. Just about every angle of life came imploding in on me. Having to bring up the entire company network while I am at the ER for my wife with my 3yo kid, breaking 100hr/week for work multiple times, and doing it all while ramping up a new hire without making him think anything is wrong... is probably only symbolistic of just one of the weeks during that time, but it gives you an idea.

I found this mental edge where you could tell that just one more thing would put me into a scary place where something starts to break. All issues from this period a year ago tapered off after 8 months, but I'm still noticing lasting effects. In some ways, I feel more immune to more of the "small things" and in some ways I feel like I am seeking them out even more(??). But some things now cause my stress levels to rise much more rapidly than used to be the case.

I don't know what to make of it all.

[allegro]

This month marks 1 year for the start of THE most stressful period in my life. Just about every angle of life came imploding in on me. Having to bring up the entire company network while I am at the ER for my wife with my 3yo kid, breaking 100hr/week for work multiple times, and doing it all while ramping up a new hire without making him think anything is wrong... is probably only symbolistic of just one of the weeks during that time, but it gives you an idea.

I found this mental edge where you could tell that just one more thing would put me into a scary place where something starts to break. All issues from this period a year ago tapered off after 8 months, but I'm still noticing lasting effects. In some ways, I feel more immune to more of the "small things" and in some ways I feel like I am seeking them out even more(??). But some things now cause my stress levels to rise much more rapidly than used to be the case.

I don't know what to make of it all.

I did a grad school thesis on the effects of modern stress on the brain in a neurology class; we're really pushed to the limits, and our brains are NOT wired for multitasking; our cortisol starts pumping and enables us to handle stress. The problem is that too much fight-or-flight stress is toxic. See this article, for instance. It's why so many people are turning to meditation. Even as little as 10 minutes of daily meditation can do wonders to control cortisol levels and to "repair" the overstressed brain.

If you do research on this, you'll run into guys like Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn who's done a ton of neurological studies on meditation and "mindfulness" and Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction.

[DigitalChaos]

Meditation is huge. I definitely need to do it more.

I'm suddenly curious what the differences are from minimal but sustained stress, vs short-term (days/week/months) of high loads of stress. There also seems to be a weirdly addictive quality to bursts of stress... i dont know wtf that is about.

[allegro]

There also seems to be a weirdly addictive quality to bursts of stress... i dont know wtf that is about.

There have been lots of studies about that.

For instance, see this.

Adrenaline and cortisol make us perform better, sharper. Except we can't sustain that for long periods. Short, occasional bursts of fight-or-flight is built into our DNA (think running away from danger when we were cave people). Sustained, really bad for us.

[Baphomette]

our brains are NOT wired for multitasking;

My doctors disagree with this. People with certain disorders (eg., bipolar disorder) have different wiring. Depending on the cycle, multitasking is kinda like breathing - it just happens. (Dr. Michael Gitlin, one of my docs, has written papers about this which you've probably read, allegro. He has a lot of dissenting opinions in regards to brain chemistry and the treatment of mental disorders. He's pretty awesome. )

[allegro]

My doctors disagree with this. People with certain disorders (eg., bipolar disorder) have different wiring. Depending on the cycle, multitasking is kinda like breathing - it just happens. (Dr. Michael Gitlin, one of my docs, has written papers about this which you've probably read, allegro. He has a lot of dissenting opinions in regards to brain functions. He's pretty awesome. )

I didn't mean literally. We CAN multitask, but it's really stressful when done too much. Especially high level multitasking.

I'll have to dig out my research showing the part of the brain that actually lurches each time we shift from one task to another, it's amazing, I have brain scans and everything. We are believed to be the only species capable of doing this.

The research material I used can't be linked here because it's scholarly journal material from proprietary academic sources, but here is an example of a study:

http://www.ccbi.cmu.edu/news/sandieg...-dualtask.html

This one especially: http://www.ninds.nih.gov/news_and_ev...tex_051299.htm

Here's another: http://www.ccbi.cmu.edu/reprints/Jus...ltitasking.pdf This one shows that the low level low thought multitasking (like operating a stick shift while driving, or typing while composing an essay) are similar to muscle memory (walking and talking) and require no "shifting" or "place setting" because the second activity is done without true "thought."

But just because we CAN multitask doesn't mean doing it all the time is good for us, hence why studies have shown that meditation and mindfulness training seem to "repair" any damage done by sustained high level multitasking.

You should SEE the brain scans of the meditators / single-taskers!! Really cool stuff.

The data was so compelling that I stopped trying to multitask and I started focusing on one thing at a time (also the basis of mindfulness) and it's made an amazing difference in stress levels. The self-discipline has also been great, for instance forcing myself to read ONE BOOK.

[sentient02970]

for instance forcing myself to read ONE BOOK.

I have finally understood the benefits of this concept. The 4-7 books with bookmarks sitting on my shelf had actually stressed me out for a long time. It feels good and is so much more rewarding to actually finish a book one at a time.

[NotoriousTIMP]

*Edit* 10 letters

[Baphomette]

I didn't mean literally. We CAN multitask, but it's really stressful when done too much. Especially high level multitasking...............

I love your big gigantic edits, @allegro . They've always been one of my favorites parts of this board.

[allegro]

In this particular case it was not by choice, this fucking 1st gen iPad crashed while I was entering that about 15 times, and/or my connection timed out. I ended up needing to follow my own meditation advice. It's a sign that I need to go read more books and get away from electronic devices. Which I am striving to do.

[Charmingly Miserable]

My daughter wanted to spend Thanksgiving with her dad. She left me this morning. I thought I would be ok with it, but I ended up crying like a baby. I wanted to hang around her for the holiday but no...... Now I am lonely.

[DigitalChaos]

All my posts are edited because I always notice some stupid typo or find a better bit of info to include after the fact. The internet has ruined my ability to proofread.

In this particular case it was not by choice, this fucking 1st gen iPad crashed while I was entering that about 15 times, and/or my connection timed out. I ended up needing to follow my own meditation advice. It's a sign that I need to go read more books and get away from electronic devices. Which I am striving to do.

I need to hook you up with a new iPad. Especially if it means more awesome posts on ETS. Massive respect for typing shit up on a touch interface... I HATE doing that.

[DigitalChaos]

I have finally understood the benefits of this concept. The 4-7 books with bookmarks sitting on my shelf had actually stressed me out for a long time. It feels good and is so much more rewarding to actually finish a book one at a time.

This shit explains every bit of my life. I have piles of partially finished projects both physically around the house and at work, and scattered around my computer. Most of my incomplete books have a mark where I left off, but I rarely intend on finish them.
I probably have 8 active TV seasons I am watching, at least 4 different places I discuss/debate (each with probably 10 threads I am active in), etc.

The only time I get away from it for a bit is if I go camping or something. About 10 years ago when I moved across the country I rented out a single 9'x5' room and it was awesome. I physically had no space to build up halfassed work. If I wanted to sleep, I had to clean up whatever I had just been doing. It made me very inefficient with projects that too more than a day to complete, but my mind was much more clear.

[Dra508]

I can not express how amazing meditation has been for me. My parents got me into it when I first left my husband and have kept up with it, including a very gentle yoga practice that is very mindful, not competitive. I even did a gong meditation the other day. 'Twas great.

[playwithfire]

So, I get BAD hormonal depression. Something being on hormonal BC regulates pretty solidly for me. Like really well, as long as I don't take my pills like an idiot and miss doses and shit.

I also have OCD, but the kind that responds to CBT, not really the drugs kind. It's something that I don't want to discuss my handling of, pre-emptively, since I'm about to ask for drug advice. I definitely get anxiety sometimes, will get really upset by it, but I've never had a full on panic attack, ever.

HOWEVER, sometimes the three things or life or whatever can combine to get me pretty low. Like today. I don't want to take a drug every day for something that happens only occasionally. Pot would work great for my anxiety, but is there a scrip any of you would recommend/have heard good things about? Basically something I could take to drop my anxiety for the time being and make my outlook a little less dim when I can't sleep it off -- my preferred coping mechanism when I'm really miserable is being unconscious. I've heard good things about Xanax, but figured I'd ask here.

It'd be nice to have an outlet in situations where I can't just go and sleep and have to handle stuff.

[Swykk]

Xanax calms me down successfully. I do not take it regularly, though. I go through two scripts of 30 a year. Roughly. I would prefer pot but I live in Indiana sooooo never going to be legal here and my company drug tests.

[Sarah K]

Ativan always did better at the "calm down, but don't make me pass out" bit. Xanax for sure calms ya down. But then I just want to sit and do nothing.

[Baphomette]

It'd be nice to have an outlet in situations where I can't just go and sleep and have to handle stuff.

I've never had any success with either Xanax or Ativan when it comes to lessening anxiety but I know plenty of people who do find them helpful. Your doctor will most likely prescribe Ativan as the DEA is cracking down hard on Xanax prescriptions (they've stopped using it altogether at my clinic). Start with .5mg as it's one of the strongest in the benzo family. Withdrawal from benzos is pretty ugly but since you're not going to use them on a daily basis, you'll be fine.

I use Hyland's Calms formula for my anxiety. It definitely helps. (It could very well be a placebo effect since it's homeopathic but whatever - it works for me.)

[allegro]

My doc had me on Xanax for occasional use but then I started using it for sleep and then he took me off of it. I guess it's NOT good for that, can cause memory problems. And, yeah, the medical community is now finally avoiding Xanax and Valium. Addictive plus inhibits abilities to function plus people drive on it (DUI) plus potential longterm memory problems.

I highly recommend melotonin for sleep. I take 3 mg about 30 minutes before I have to sleep. Doesn't make me groggy, doesn't make it hard to wake up. If it's hard for me to "turn my brain off" at sleep time this work great, as does meditation or reading my Kindl. No backlit devices at night, though.

Also, Passion Flower has good natural calming abilities. Comes in liquid or pill form. Liquid can be added to tea. I generally take a capsule.

Also, again, breathing meditation exercises, OMG, awesome.

[Charmingly Miserable]

I think I am having a manic episode. I mean, I just feel so good. I am honestly scared of myself and crashing one day.

[Joy Prevention Hotline]

Basically something I could take to drop my anxiety for the time being and make my outlook a little less dim when I can't sleep it off -- my preferred coping mechanism when I'm really miserable is being unconscious.

In the bad early days when I was going through total meltdowns, I'd pass out for a while and it always helped.

plus people drive on it (DUI)

Is that concern specific to Valium and/or Xanax? My only benzo experience is with Klonopin, which does calm me down really well in mental emergencies without fogging my brain. I'm far more dangerous to other drivers without it in those situations, but it is a relatively low dose — .25 to .5mg.

In my meltdown period it was 1–2mg every day just to keep a lid on it.

[allegro]

Is that concern specific to Valium and/or Xanax? My only benzo experience is with Klonopin, which does calm me down really well in mental emergencies without fogging my brain. I'm far more dangerous to other drivers without it in those situations, but it is a relatively low dose — .25 to .5mg.

My mom's doctor said so, yes. Doc said it absolutely slows your judgment, and I *know* legally it's definitely "driving while under the influence" to law enforcement (so is BENEDRYL). My mom didn't know this, either, she was totally shocked; ends up she'd been popping a Valium before she drove to Costco for a while. Yikes. She no longer has a Valium Rx.

In the bad early days when I was going through total meltdowns, I'd pass out for a while and it always helped.

Sleep is *really* good for you in all kinds of ways.

[Iran_Ed]

I've spent the last two years of my life trying to find reasons not to kill myself. I've reached the point where I realize it's not working and I'm losing grasp of everything. I've been like this since I was a teenager and I've become an expert at hiding it. An online friend of mine has been begging me to get help. I work a shitty job and while I do have insurance I don't think I can afford to pay for doctor visits and prescriptions. I spent the weekend realizing just how poor I am, and searching for a suicide method. Is there anyone on here with any advice?