What I'm doing isn't working. I'm going to have to try something else.
What I'm doing isn't working. I'm going to have to try something else.
Well. I finally had to go looking for help in 2005, when I had a headache that wouldn't go away (it's still there, but most any kind of medication I'm taking will tamp it down enough that I can ignore it) and I just couldn't control my emotions under even mild stress.
I'm quite sure my problems started when I was in elementary school, even though I don't remember any of it. But depression started messing with my life for real when I was in college. I guess I'm functional, but not enough to dare moving out of my parents' house. Everyone seems to agree it's best that way, even if I am 46.
No one's sure what exactly my problem is. The depression seems to be a symptom of something else, and easier to control than the emotional instability. My biggest problem these days is that Prozac screws up my sleep (which was never normal to begin with) but does a better job keeping me on an even keel than anything else I've tried. After a few months of it I slip into another time zone — waking up in the morning is a huge effort, and I'm exhausted by mid afternoon. So I'm learning to pull back before I fall into the hole.
I felt that happening three weeks ago, so once again I stopped taking the Prozac. But I was also taking a low dose of melatonin to see if it would help me stay in this time zone, and even though it didn't work I decided to keep it going for a while.
Now I'm not only sleeping pretty normally (for me) but feeling good emotionally as well. As late as the 9th I still didn't know if I could drive myself to the Uncasville show and back — 140 miles round trip — but by Friday I was feeling stronger than I have all year. I'd planned to restart the Prozac shortly after the show, but I think I'll hold off and see how things go. If I find myself screaming at other drivers on my commute or threatening to break my glass desk every time my computer looks at me funny, then I'll know it's time to go back.
So. I'm hoping this thread will help me feel more at home here … I'm not comfortable socially, and I feel even more out of place in a crowd of NIN fans. But I'm drawn to the music despite having absolutely no one to share it with.
Last edited by Joy Prevention Hotline; 10-20-2013 at 03:34 AM. Reason: typos
All the best JPH, there's a few of us who feel it too and it sounds like you're on a better path, good luck!
My downstairs neighbour is legitimately off her meds and it's been scaring the fuck out of me. Someone I became quite friendly to during a month and suddenly she was insulting me and saying the most paranoid things. I haven't run into her since thankfully since she's been in and out of here (going to the hospital trying get better meds or something.) I can hear her yelling at her husband and man, I feel so bad for him but have to admire him staying with her through such a difficult mental problem she apparently has.
Klonopin can take the edge off — when I have the presence of mind to notice the need for it — but it's not the same. And getting off it after extended use is no fun at all.
So it looks like it's time to restart the Prozac. I've come to the conclusion this is more art than science, and from what I can tell the best place to be is in transition. Once the Prozac levels off I start sleeping too much and my overall energy is pathetic. But let it wear off and I go back to the dark side.
On balance, oversleeping is better than threatening to run people off the road and alienating my coworkers. But I'm always trying to reach that middle ground — and stay there as long as possible.
I have a very strong feeling and conviction that it's very possible that most of my anxieties when it comes to dealing with people and school has to do with my history of getting bullied and having ADHD, and I'm also one of those people that don't believe bullying ends by the time high school ends. (Since bullying is usually more of a mental/emotional conflict in adulthood through abusive/aggressive/manipulative relationships, "friends" professors, advisors, students, employees, and bosses. And perhaps it's beyond that if you're dealing with criminals and gangsters, but as far as most situations go, that's besides the point.)
And I'm not trying to even say I should blame it all on my past, but it still seems to be a huge factor when it comes to thoughts and emotions of fear, insecurity, and sadness. I've sometimes found myself expecting to be attacked when there was no real reason for it. (As I've mentioned about being paranoid time and time again.)
What has been working though, was to just worry about what I can control, and what matters for me in the now and fix it, and like many other things, I still have yet to work on that, but I'm not giving up as I've had more than enough wake-up calls to get back on the horse in spite of my disheartened psyche. (I also use any terms mentioned loosely as I haven't studied psychology intensively and thoroughly.)
Last edited by Kris; 10-22-2013 at 08:27 PM.
Fear is exactly my problem on the road. Prozac makes me more-or-less unperturbable, which is why I'm inclined to put up with the downsides … to a point.And I'm not trying to even say I should blame it all on my past, but it still seems to be a huge factor when it comes to thoughts and emotions of fear, insecurity, and sadness. I've sometimes found myself expecting to be attacked when there was no real reason for it. (As I've mentioned about being paranoid time and time again.)
I don't know if a history of being bullied is a prerequisite for anxiety as an adult. But it probably sets up a pattern for how we respond to it.
I should mention that I'm not terribly good at expressing empathy, even when I am feeling it. So if it seems like I'm tuning the rest of you out and getting totally wrapped up in myself, it's only half true.
I'm still working on the other half. But I am listening.
@marodi - I'm definitely taking your word for it. I really have to tell "that voice" to STFU. My emotions are sometimes on quite the roller-coaster sometimes and it really sucks so hard. And for what it's worth, thank you for your understanding and advice. I'll definitely take it to heart.
I had a trigger last nite and my bad is back and all is really really perfect
I think my difficulties with multitasking are most likely derived from my ADHD. I could see how my ADHD had an impact on my lack of emotional stability, social skills, and math skills though, but I really didn't accept or fully realize that it could've been the bane to any multitasking skills I've had since I usually find myself preferring doing one thing at a time. The only few exceptions I'd have for multitasking were things that required little to no effort or though at all, such as eating, drinking and watching TV or using the computer at the same time, or listening to music while typing on an Internet forum or social-networking site.
But as far as things requiring real effort and work, it does take a lot of energy for me to focus on one thing, which is why I'd normally prefer to just do one thing at time, with everything organized right before me. Any distractions, messes, and interruptions just seems to mess up my flow altogether, but granted, I still need to work on that. I also thought that I knew my ADHD like the back of my hand, but I was apparently dead wrong.
so I was liking (more or less) the pills the doctor had me on, and then last night I found myself sleep walking for the first time in my life. Scary as hell.
I really wish there was a right and tactful way to express how bad I am at trusting and forgiving others sometimes, and the paranoia and hypersensitivity that comes with it. I also wish there was a right way to discuss my self-loathing and suicidal ideation without making people worry, but I doubt most people would understand. And not that I've actually acted it out, as I wouldn't be here to talk about it, but my conscience sometimes tells me that things probably would've been much better off I never was, or ceased being. (I think that's what lead me to subscribe to some antinatalist views.) I apparently still need to work on overcoming those demons, since they're very mentally and emotionally debilitating.
Expressing myself also still seems to help, as I've been bottling up my emotions for years, and this seems to be one of the right places to do it on the Internet. And whether I like it or not, bottling things up certainly hurts a whole lot more sometimes.
Last edited by Kris; 10-30-2013 at 08:20 AM.
I think what you have here is a good start. Just drop it in bits and pieces. Obviously if you unload everything you may sound like a nutter, but if you go with little bits at a time it won't come off as bad imo. I've found it also helps with just being able to talk about it. Everyone is dealing with something. Some seem to handle it better than others is all.
My life isn't a gift — it's just existing, and I don't enjoy it. Being dead is something I can look forward to.
But I'm still here after all these years, so I guess things have to get a lot worse before I even try to do myself in.
Apathy: “Whatever” is Forever.
Real-time communication just isn't my strong suit. With the right medication I can lighten up enough to pass as dry witted — even entertainingly sarcastic — but email is easier to cope with. Asynchrony rules.
I'm just thankful for this place being the one few areas of life where I can open up about stuff like this, since I'm forced to keep it to myself in real life. People are quick to tell me to get therapy or professional help. (Not that it's wrong, but I've been to counseling and therapy so many times in my earlier years. I'm tired of it.) And yes, I seem write better than I speak too.
I've got a great working relationship with my psychiatrist. He makes good suggestions but trusts me to (usually) know what's going on in my head better than anyone else could. There's never any question that I'm the driver.
* If I'd known how visible, I would have started a lot sooner. A real eye-opener.
I just want to get this off my chest while the thought is still there, but I'm realizing more and more that it's actually very taboo to admit any mood or desire that suggests you don't want to be around people. I really hate that, because any slight utterance of such thoughts can easily come across as, "I fucking hate people! I can't stand them. Everybody can just fuck right the fuck off!" I don't feel this way all the time, but the less people I "have" to talk to and be around, the better. I even stressed this in The Friendship Thread and The Introvert Thread, and it's not always based on fear/hate/anger, but preference.
@Joy Prevention Hotline - Oh, and I know I just jumped to another topic with in this topic, but I really appreciate whatever dialogue I'm able to have here. And yes, you're right, it certainly helps. Thank you for listening/reading.
My quick mental health story: I've been battling with mental health issues since I was a kid. Fast forward to 3 years ago, I ended up doing an outpatient stint at a hospital. Then 2.5 years ago, I ended up 5150 and spent 5 days in hell. I've been off of meds for nearly 2 years now and I've never felt better. I see my therapist whenever I need to but I'm doing great. Point being, I've seen all sides of ugly and "happiness"- so I know.
I hate everything today. Don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't fucking breathe on me.
It must be the medication. I wouldn't feel so overwhelmingly wrong under normal circumstances (even if "normal" for me isn't exactly normal).
Sleep usually fixes it, so I'm gonna have to take a nap before I go home … otherwise I'll be a menace to everyone else.
Which med(s) are you taking? Wellbutrin by any chance?
Prozac, though I haven't really noticed a difference between it and Wellbutrin aside from the price.
Usually I get this … I dunno, "nihilist-dyspeptic" feeling from other stuff, like Strattera or Zoloft. But I am trying something new this time, taking the smallest available dosage every other day (aiming for 5mg/day). Could be a combination of that and the change in the weather — the effects of both should be temporary.
This definitely has to belong in this thread. I'm realizing more and more that I don't know how to joke with others, as I have a tendency to take things personally. I also have a hard time forgetting the bad things and letting them go. It's sometimes very hard for me to tell the difference between somebody that's joking or being genuinely mean. I also noticed that there really are lots of people that wouldn't give somebody that has a hard time forgiving and/or trusting others the time of day. I suppose that my lack of confidence is also a turn-off as well.
All I just did was stress how much I don't want to get hurt, but that seems to drive people away. I thought that if I was crystal clear about it, people would be understanding and accommodating to my personality, but instead, I'm given the cold shoulder or even the stink eye, even on the Internet. I would even go as far as saying something to the effect of: "I need to know that I can trust you. I'm afraid of getting hurt."
1. So is it true that nobody would like to be friends with somebody that has a hard time forgiving and trusting others?
2. Is it also true that most people wouldn't want to be friends with somebody that also has a hard time telling the difference between joking and being mean? (I'm not good at "poking fun with others", "busting chops/balls", or "yanking chains.")
3. And nobody wants to be friends with somebody that'll remember just about every bad thing you said and did, right?
4. Does being fearful of others also make somebody become unappealing to be around? (I think that's one of the reasons why I've been called uptight, or a killjoy.)
My lack of forgiveness and trust isn't always about anger and bitterness either, as I have this constant fear of getting hurt and betrayed, and getting people's bad sides. I'm also afraid of giving people a reason to hurt me. That's why I'm nice to people to start with, aside from it being the right thing to do, who knows what'll happen if you piss off the wrong person/people at the wrong place, at the wrong time? I figured this part of my personality is probably too much for some people to put up with. As of now, I don't bring it up, and only brought it up here, because this seemed to still be one of those correct places to do it.
I really thought it's just as simple as, "You treat me right, and I'll treat you right.", but it sometimes seems to be far more complicated than that. And now you know a huge reason as to why I tend to stay alone and keep things to myself in real life. Oh, and I'm not trying to say that I stopped believing in forgiveness, or that I'm completely opposed to forgiveness. It's just that I'm just very weak/horrible at it.
This also ironically made me look like the bad guy too, as I have also pissed people off, or hurt people's feelings with these aspects of my guarded personality, sometimes without even realizing it at first. And I really am serious. Some jokes really look like disses, and it's not always easy to tell if I'm being attacked or not.
-Oh, and you obviously don't have to answer my questions if you don't want to. I was just blowing off some steam, which sort of seems to help.-
Last edited by Kris; 11-02-2013 at 12:55 PM.
I'm surprised just how much of that can come from the mood I'm in. Feeling stressed/frustrated/depressed makes everyone around me look like a threat. And when I can't hide those feelings they react badly, and the feedback loop just reinforces itself. No amount of self-awareness can stop it from happening.
It's only when some kind of medication breaks the cycle that I can see the best in people, and care about their feelings as much as my own. The transition never ceases to amaze me, which is why I keep trying to get around the side effects any way I can.
Other people may achieve the same effect with something other than drugs, but this is what works for me.