The Mental Health thread - depression, bipolar, ADHD, you name it

[Halo Infinity]

In the bad early days when I was going through total meltdowns, I'd pass out for a while and it always helped.

I was looking for this post because it took me a while to completely realize and accept that sleepiness leaves me to be more emotionally vulnerable as I'd get depressed or even angry for very little to no reason. I think that's why it helped a lot when I also stopped posting on the Internet whenever I was exhausted. I know I've mentioned this before, but I don't think I've mentioned this directly to you just yet, and thought that you'd definitely understand where I'm coming from as you've also been there yourself. As of now, I'm definitely trying to make it a habit to not even touch a keyboard whenever I'm drowsy. If it's not a matter of being depressed and angry, it's also a matter of my filter also going to sleep when I would far better off getting some actual sleep. It also leads me to lose self-control and it really is quite the slippery slope. However, I also understand that's what I get for sometimes taking sleep for granted. It's no wonder why it's sometimes better to sleep on things, as opposed to just trying to get everything done firing on all four cylinders in one shot.

And well, sometimes sleep also helps me realize and learn about life as it really does provide me some clarification to go with those moments of solace and serenity. I learned that letting go is also not necessarily the same as forgetting, not thinking about it and ignoring the problems. (In real life, lots of people have actually tried to convince me that it was the same thing, but to me, it actually isn't.) I've figured that if you've successfully managed to let things go, you'd be at peace and free from negativity no matter how many bad things you remember. And well, I also thought I'd tell you this, since you were understanding enough to have listened to me to almost post two pages of conversation in this topic a while back, even naturally without having to put with me. I still thank you for hearing me out and reaching out to me back then too.

With that being said, I still further realize and accept that I still have to work on letting go, as I've done far more running away, hiding and giving up in my life out of fear and sadness whenever I wasn't holding a grudge or being vengeful. This also might very well be a Love List post to you as well.

[allegro]

Dude, you should totally start keeping a journal. A private journal, not a public one. I've kept one for more than 30 years, with varying gaps. It's not only great for expressing your feelings, but it's great when you keep all of them and go back, later, and see patterns.

Reporting to yourself, in journal form, is more valuable than a public forum.

All of your public posts sound like things I say to myself when going through my private journals.

Honestly, journaling has kept me sane. I don't know what I'd do without it. And I've kept all of them. And seeing patterns when reviewing my journals, even accidentally, has caused positive changes in my life. Really, we just tend to repeat repeat repeat until we decide to change.

[Halo Infinity]

I'll definitely keep that in mind, since it's sometimes better to keep it to myself, and a journal would be great outlet for me to vent in privacy, as I've had a tendency to bottle things up so many times whenever I'm alone, or when I had to be reserved for social reasons. I'm shocked that I actually forgot that and overlooked that as I remember being recommended to write a journal as well. I just felt like sharing it with Joy Prevention Hotline for now, because he really saw where I was coming from a while back.

(And that's also great idea, because starting next year, I really want to stop posting highly personal and sensitive things out in the open, especially after realizing just how personal and sensitive a lot of the stuff I've brought up really was. Plus, I just don't want to be more of a bother and a burden than I already am or was. At the very least, I'm just thankful for whatever good advice came my way though.)

With that being said, thank you very much. I definitely appreciate your suggestion, and will certainly keep it in mind, and practice from now on. You've also been very helpful as you always have.

[allegro]

It's good to be social, but you need to get to know yourself privately, too. An outlet, exactly. You are never truly going to open up like you will on a private journal. DO NOT do the electronic kind; trust me, I tried that. Write it on pad and paper. Choose a time and place each day, more often if needed (if you are under duress, tell it to your journal).

We live in a world bordering on too much disclosure. Privacy is also something to hold dear. Reserved is actually a classy attribute! ;-)

Edit: I'm not implying anything negative, here. All I am saying is that you will do far more self-discovery with a personal private journal; you seem to like to see patterns in your prior posts, so you would DEFINITELY benefit from keeping a library of private journals.

[allegro]

By the way, you don't need anything fancy!

For many years, I used one of these classic cheap Composition books (so does Eddie Vedder)



Now, I use the larger sized Moleskine books



I have obsessed about the most comfortable writing instrument for years; I tried the mechanical pencil, since I'm a perfectionist and I erase a lot. But that resulted in faded writing, which was not good. I ended up liking medium point gel ink pens, black ink, and resolved to just scratching out errors. I have a very small hand so I need a writing instrument that won't cause fatigue or discomfort, very important if you write a lot. I nixed various pens for bleeding through pages.

[Pillfred]

I've done this sporadically for about 15 years now. Oddly like allegro said I to have noticed patterns about my thought cycle, so to speak. And honestly quite recently started making connections to things in part due to that. I don't have many journals but they go back a fair ways as I at least finish one book out before the next. I have a fair bit I typed on my laptop that sounds for some, but I still generally prefer to physically write out stuff. I'm also kind of a pen nerd as well. Bic Atlantis are nice but seemingly fragile ad I've broken a few just from being in my pocket. They're cheap though. I'm rambling so I'll stop. This just struck me as a rather good point/idea, or something. What allegro said, not my half drunk and stoned ramblings.

[Joy Prevention Hotline]

I was looking for this post because it took me a while to completely realize and accept that sleepiness leaves me to be more emotionally vulnerable as I'd get depressed or even angry for very little to no reason. I think that's why it helped a lot when I also stopped posting on the Internet whenever I was exhausted. I know I've mentioned this before, but I don't think I've mentioned this directly to you just yet, and thought that you'd definitely understand where I'm coming from as you've also been there yourself. As of now, I'm definitely trying to make it a habit to not even touch a keyboard whenever I'm drowsy.

I spent a few years being drowsy all the time because Prozac wrecks my internal clock if I don't have something else to counterbalance it (ultimately I had to resign myself to taking nortriptyline again just so I could have a normal daytime existence).

Prozac obviously worked against the emotional effects of lost sleep. Except when I tried to drive home from work without taking a nap first. I couldn't make it two miles before I turned into a raging lunatic (emphasis on "raging"), much worse than what I'm dealing with now. And home was 40 miles away. I'd get there and be totally rigid from some kind of last-ditch effort at self-control and have to lie down (awake) for hours until I got over it. So napping was much preferred to the alternative, even if I ended up driving home at 2 am.

It was very relaxing to drive home late at night, but on balance I'd rather have some say in when I sleep. (Don't ask me why I'm awake at 6 am, because I have no idea.)

DO NOT do the electronic kind; trust me, I tried that. Write it on pad and paper.

Heh. That would never work for me now — writing (semi-)legibly is a nightmare because my hand jerks around too much. I sometimes wonder if it's some kind of mouse-related injury, but then again I had problems with hand cramps all through high school — long before I encountered a mouse.

Keyboarder 4 life.

[allegro]

Writing is a good exercise in discipline. It's also easier to go back through volumes of written journals vs electronic, kind of like Kindl vs paper. I can only write in very short installments, but that's okay.

[allegro]

Also, sleep is known to be really important

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2014/01/12..._r=0&referrer=

http://edition.cnn.com/2012/08/27/bu...leep-decision/

http://m.theatlantic.com/health/arch...asleep/282422/

[Dra508]

Also, sleep is known to be really important

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2014/01/12..._r=0&referrer=

http://edition.cnn.com/2012/08/27/bu...leep-decision/

http://m.theatlantic.com/health/arch...asleep/282422/

Sleep is as important as diet and exercise. I'm a huge proponent of power naps (less than 20 minutes)

[Joy Prevention Hotline]

I left the office at 8 instead of 9 the past two days, and I didn't go off on anyone (despite encountering several obviously drunk drivers). I'm so glad the holidays are over — I don't need other people's freakouts. Got enough of my own.

[theruiner]

My depression is becoming overwhelming. This is getting really bad.

[aggroculture]

I think I am manic depressive.
Which is better than being depressed, but...

[elevenism]

I have had this awful experience and i don't know how to explain it, but i'm going to try.

I will be sitting and relaxing, and suddenly i will realize that i have been thinking about and dealing with OTHER issues, OTHER things...thinking OTHER thoughts, than those recognized by my conscious mind (for the past few hours.)

And whatever i have been thinking about or "dealing" with is utterly horrifying.
I try to remember it but it slips away like a dream.
It's happened to me 3 times in the past year, and it's the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.

It feels like the "other" thoughts are some kind of interaction with some sort of being or beings.

It feels like, i don't know, that there is a matrix type scenario and there is a glitch in the program...that i'm seeing through a veil that i'm not supposed to see through.

What is this? A dmt flash or serotonin burst of some kind?

Is this how people start thinking they've been abducted by aliens?

HAVE i been abducted by aliens?

Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?

[Khrz]

Philip K Dick certainly has, but with the help of amphetamines. I'm not kidding, he had similar experiences, having a glimpse of the demiurge (in a gnostic sense) and the iron city that is reality...
I'm mentioning K Dick because his use of drugs created certain chemical imbalances in his brain, he'd spontaneously have visions, get abstract messages. Perhaps you should have a doctor check that out, or a good therapist may have an idea about what you're experiencing ?

[elevenism]

ok @Khrz . where can i learn about what happened to PKD?

i've used a lot of drugs over the years, recreational and psych meds both.

I REALLY hope this is something chemical, because the alternative is terrifying.

[Pillfred]

Something is off and I'm not sure what it is. I'm beginning to feel alien in my own little piece if the world. This besides my day to day dealings with everyone else. I can't figure it out.

[elevenism]

Something is off and I'm not sure what it is. I'm beginning to feel alien in my own little piece if the world. This besides my day to day dealings with everyone else. I can't figure it out.

you're gonna think i'm crazy, but i swear to god, the changing of the season affects me A LOT.

Like each new season is a new chapter or something, you know? EVERYTHING is different.

That's often the case for me...i will start to feel that way, sometimes in a good way or sometimes in a bad way, but always with the inescapable notion that something is different. And i will notice that a solstice or equinox has passed.

[Substance242]

It feels like, i don't know, that there is a matrix type scenario and there is a glitch in the program...that i'm seeing through a veil that i'm not supposed to see through

I never tried drugs, but a few times during the years I happened to stay at home alone and drink alcohol straight for a week or so, disconnect from everything, fuck work, fuck mobile phones, fuck everything. I don't recommend that. :-)

And there were some weird things during the first two "cold turkey" days and especially nights, and what you elevenism describe reminded me one of them. I wanted to sleep, but could not of course, thoughts like "I fucked everything up" and "am I going to die now" etc, can't get away from that.

My eyes were shut but I was still looking at the room around me, and for a moments slide into strange state where everything was different, I was kind of awake and asleep at the same time, but it was not me, it was not that room, it was not this world at all, but I could not focus and remember and understand properly, thinking "wait... what was that..." after I came back. I also remember I was sure during those I can look at any internet page just in my head, read everything ever written, know things I could never possibly know, movies I have never seen, songs I've never heard... not mentioning some strange words composed of calmly flickering lights on my wall (like stars but warmer let's say), and faces looking at me in peace, or feeling someone is in the room with me... I don't think it was delirium tremens, I was aware of everything, heartbeat OK, not shaking, no fever, I knew what I see can't be true.

But, I gues it was just my poor brain trying to cope with the situation after being excited by alcohol for so long (after months of sobriety), needing to get electrically and chemically back together, after a few days everything was thankfully back to normal, it was mostly sleep that I needed. No medicine taken, just lots of water and tea and later fruits and vitamins when I was able to eat a bit.

During that time I started to understand words from What Dreams May Come which were something like "You were expecting physical danger? What could it do, kill ya, huh? No, in Hell there's real danger. Of losing your mind." That was my biggest fear then. Well, shit happens, let's look forward and try not to slip again. :-) (saying to myself)

Update: Maybe I should add - I was in a terrible state, too weak physically to e.g. go out and buy something to eat, but I was e.g. reading internet pages or watching TV almost OK. This shit started happening when I tried to sleep... I was soo sleepy, but also afraid of it at the same time. So after some weird feelings I got up and went to smoke, during which I felt sane again and perfectly able to worry about heart attack instead because I should not be smoking while being so weak. ;-) I shall pay more attention to myself next autumn.

[Pillfred]

you're gonna think i'm crazy, but i swear to god, the changing of the season affects me A LOT.

Like each new season is a new chapter or something, you know? EVERYTHING is different.

That's often the case for me...i will start to feel that way, sometimes in a good way or sometimes in a bad way, but always with the inescapable notion that something is different. And i will notice that a solstice or equinox has passed.

Yeah I considered that as well. It's a thing I definitely have noticed myself. And have thought about a fair bit.

However this thread of thought has been a definite thing for a while now. Though thinking on it some it may be a culmination of things lately as well.

[elevenism]

I appreciate you sharing that, @Substance242 .

So the brain can do some very strange things.

i'm hoping this is just chemical.

[Khrz]

ok @Khrz . where can i learn about what happened to PKD?

i've used a lot of drugs over the years, recreational and psych meds both.

I REALLY hope this is something chemical, because the alternative is terrifying.

I read it in his bio. The thing is, PKD was already your typical paranoid drug user, and became quite fascinated with gnosis, then

Dick began experiencing strange hallucinations. Although initially attributing them to his medication, after weeks of hallucinations he considered this explanation implausible. "I experienced an invasion of my mind by a transcendentally rational mind, as if I had been insane all my life and suddenly I had become sane," Dick told Charles Platt.

So what I'm thinking is that he experienced something close or similar to what you described, except in his case it clicked in the context of a whole elaborate pre-existing framework. You merely mentioned the Matrix because that's the point of reference you can use, PKD could use an encyclopedic knowledge of the roman history, the lives of the saints and the Gnostic theology. Hence the Iron city, the demiurge, the neverending Empire etc...

So he had been using amphetamines regularly among other drugs for years, he was recovering from an administration of Penthotal at the time, it's not a huge stretch to believe his chemical balance was way off. Add to this a tendency to be depressive and paranoid (another kind of chemical imbalance), and a quasi obsessive fascination for everything spiritual.

That last part I've been through a few years ago, and you start to see signs everywhere, everything becomes meaningful, everything becomes a clue pointing towards something bigger, except you can never quite put your finger on it. It becomes a treasure hunt about your life, except no clue objectively makes sense, you just have the overwhelming certainty that it does.

All of this to say that PKD didn't have to be pushed really hard to go over the edge when this happened to him. In your case, talking to a doctor should be fine.

[Baphomette]

I think I am manic depressive.
Which is better than being depressed, but...

Bi-polar disorder is a beast but it can be controlled with meds and CBT. You need to make an appointment with either a psychologist or a psychiatrist pronto.

[elevenism]

That last part I've been through a few years ago, and you start to see signs everywhere, everything becomes meaningful, everything becomes a clue pointing towards something bigger, except you can never quite put your finger on it. It becomes a treasure hunt about your life, except no clue objectively makes sense, you just have the overwhelming certainty that it does.

i've been like that forever.
also, i thought about the demiurge, or some kind of lovecraftian beings

"I experienced an invasion of my mind by a transcendentally rational mind, as if I had been insane all my life and suddenly I had become sane,"

And OH SHIT. That's a pretty good description of what happened to me.

i don't wanna try to explain it to a doctor. I just hope it doesn't happen again.

by the way @aggroculture , i've been battling with bipolar disorder for 20 years. it's no fun, especially when the mania involves alcohol and pharmaceuticals, which just exacerbate the whole situation and make the depression part ten times worse.

if you get on meds, STAY on them. It's easy to say and hard to do...i need to follow my own advice.

[Khrz]

i don't wanna try to explain it to a doctor. I just hope it doesn't happen again.

I honestly don't know if I would either, but since it's easier to give advice than to follow it : remember that if this is caused by a chemical imbalance, it implies that the very organ that evaluates the reality that surrounds you might be running on bad fuel. It may be temporary, but if it isn't it means that next time you won't suspect that there's a Hidden Truth, you might become positively convinced of it.
Your brain is the only tool assessing the world around you, we're not equipped with objective gauges to determine what's real or not. When that organ is compromised, all bets are off.
If it happens again, you will have to seriously think about talking to a therapist. If PKD went through this, many others did, you're not a freak and any competent therapist will know what you're talking about and why it is happening to you.

Sidenote : I still play that game of signs and omens, except I don't take it as seriously as I used to. I merely use it as a mirror of thoughts, analyzing what my thoughts and reflections are when I pick a symbol/archetype around me, how I instinctively react to it. Instead of focusing on the sign itself as I used to, I focus on my reaction towards it. It's like a game of Ouija where the spirit answering is merely my Self.

[Sarah K]

I've been off of Welbutrin since the end of December and I hate it.

[Joy Prevention Hotline]

That last part I've been through a few years ago, and you start to see signs everywhere, everything becomes meaningful, everything becomes a clue pointing towards something bigger, except you can never quite put your finger on it.

I had some of that in high school and part of college. But when I turned 21 I got flattened by depression and lost that sense of future possibilities. Sigh…

[elevenism]

Sidenote : I still play that game of signs and omens, except I don't take it as seriously as I used to. I merely use it as a mirror of thoughts, analyzing what my thoughts and reflections are when I pick a symbol/archetype around me, how I instinctively react to it. Instead of focusing on the sign itself as I used to, I focus on my reaction towards it. It's like a game of Ouija where the spirit answering is merely my Self.

i do too. and i honestly feel that it's god interacting with me.
i would elaborate but i just had this surgery and i am in terrible fucking pain.

As far as becoming positively convinced of a "Hidden Truth," well, what if there IS one?
THAT is what gives me the fear.

There is absolutely a spirit world. I am 100% certain of this fact. I have seen and experienced SO much of it, as have my mother, brother, sife, sister in law, etc. "sensitivity" to this shit runs in the family.

What if there is some sort of god awful lovecraftian truth? what if there IS a demiurge and it DOESN'T CARE ABOUT US?
THAT is what gives me the fear.
@Sarah K , why are you off the medicine? i thought it was a godsend for you.

i am on it now, thanks to your recommendation.

[Khrz]

As far as becoming positively convinced of a "Hidden Truth," well, what if there IS one?
THAT is what gives me the fear.

Sorry, I completely forgot that you're christian. I tend to be a bit down to earth when it comes to "hidden truths" because as an agnostic they don't really contradict anything...
As such I'd reply "If there's a hidden truth, well there's not much we can do about it anyway isn't it ?", but I get that the thought might be a lot more unsettling to you.
And to be completely honest, the mere thought of a caring god is to me just as terrifying as the thought of an uncaring one...

But we're starting to argue about faith and reality in a mental health thread, I think a lot of people would object to that

[Sarah K]

Sarah K[/URL] , why are you off the medicine? i thought it was a godsend for you.

i am on it now, thanks to your recommendation.

It was and is. I was back in Nebraska when I ran out, and when I first got prescribed it, I was like desperate. So I made an appointment at the only place in NYC that I could find that had an opening the next day. They're shady as shit, and in order to make documents look like you actually had a visit, they won't send in prescriptions over the phone unless you come sign your name on a piece of paper.

Anyway, it takes me like an hour and a half to get there. I've had plans every single night except last Friday. So, I just went home and did nothing that night. I just can't find enough motivation to travel all the way out there when I'm free. Which, I acknowledge is a problem due to me not being on the medication.

Vicious cycle'd. Hopefully I make it out there next week, and then I can get in with a different doctor after that.