The Relationship Thread

[implanted_microchip]

So, things for me have been going really, really well; everything just has felt very "right," if that makes sense? There was a little period of adjustment but now it's like things are just normal between she and I, and it's really fantastic. In the past six months or so my sex drive had gone way, way down from my depression, and now in the last couple of months it's just basically surged back, and needless to say it's always a nice thing to have going on. There's this sense of closeness/intimacy between us that hasn't been as immediate in quite a while.

She's probably going to come spend the night here, and it's just so fantastic to look forward to. Whenever she's around it's like everything is just perfect for us, and things just run so smoothly. I'm so fucking happy that everything is at this point for me right now, considering how everything seemed not long ago. I've gotta say that a lot of the advice on here both given to me and to other people has helped a lot and it's just great to have so many different voices offering different perspectives that all have the best intentions, it's a great source of guidance/advice.

[elevenism]

So, things for me have been going really, really well;

Dude i am REALLY happy to hear this for you

[ophelia_]

Almost said "I love you" to the 22 year old the other morning, but had to stop myself... Not sure if I even do love him or if it was just the hangover talking.

The night before, we kinda had a bit of a drunken D&M and I remember telling him he was shit boyfriend material because he had cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had. (Someone told me this, and I believed them because he cheated on his ex-girlfriend with me), and he got pretty upset about it and said that wasn't true. Don't exactly remember the rest but we made up and I apologized for being hormonal and pms-ish and saying mean things. I felt pretty bad saying it but drunken me has no filter and it makes life easier for me if I believe he would be a shit boyfriend. (trying so hard to not fall for him)

The next morning we were just cuddling on the couch watching the World Cup and his mum came home - she obviously knows we're fucking because I'm there so often - but we've never been cute in front of her or anything, and I'm always really friendly with her so I know she likes me, but this was the first time she'd seen us cuddling and I kind of expected him to shove me off as soon as she walked in so she didn't see it... But nope. He was happy to be cute with me in front of his mum and brother. Am I reading too much into that orrrr?

It sucks because I know he has feelings for me, but he's doing the whole "don't want a relationship thing"... but then all of my relationships have started that way.

I AM SO CONFUSED! *crawls into ball* feelings are the worst.

[elevenism]

@DigitalChaos , we are getting counseling both from the church as well as a therapist and a psychiatrist.
By the way, thank you @ophelia_ , @Thaned , @jessamineny , and @Kris for understanding that, with professional help, relationships CAN in fact become FORMERLY abusive, and can become healthy, loving unions in which each partner is respected.

As we gave ourselves over to counseling, we were treated to things like

shut the fuck up

(if you won't do what we say or whatever,)

if you marry her, you're fucked,

and the shit that still sends chills down my spine, making me think of the death of my fiancee and her sweet little girl evelyn,

the Texas Redneck Massacre. Coming soon to a theatre near you. Get married and you two can OD together

just don't ever have kids cause I have a feeling one day your going to come home from work and they'll be drowned in a tub.

That makes me think of my stepdaughter dead. I forgot how fucking CRUEL people can be, but i should have remembered. That shit made Lorien cry...

Anyway, things CAN get better, and thank you to the few of you who realize that.

And by the way, for those of you who haven't been to texas, we aren't all backwoods redneck idiots. We are a pair of pierced up graffiti artists, for fuck's sake...she's a VERY skilled nurse, and i, for instance, made perfect scores on my english 4 and 5 advanced placement tests.

Sigh. We took all this meanness and just tried to smile and work with our counselors. I will probably NEVER talk about my relationship again here. I am bringing it up now because the date is set, the rings are bought, and we are indescribably happy.
For those of you who haven't laughed at us or been hateful to us, thank you so much.

[Halo Infinity]

I've figured that what truly matters is that you're not only happy, but the fact that you're definitely doing something about it. I wish you all the best as well.

[Dra508]

We might give this a go again........

[elevenism]

Caught a case? What is this, an episode of Law and Order?

i thought this was common speak, however, a lot of my friends have grown up to be fucking degenerates and need a way to describe what happens to them before they (regularly) settle in for lengthy jail stays

We might give this a go again........

i think i like it, but i don't know all the circumstances. But if a relationship can be saved, i'm always all for saving it. I don't see how people say one little thing and 6 months or a year or more are out the damn window.

Coming home always feels SO good.

[owinn]

Ladies, I have a question for you. Lets assume you are in a serious relationship, in which you are faithful to each other and dont keep secrets.

How would you react, if on a night-out with the boys your partner gets a lapdance paid by a friend? No touching, no flirting with the dancer, just a normal lapdance. Than the day after he tells you about it, without making a big deal out of it.

So my two questions are:

- Would it be OK for you?
- And would you prefer to hear it from your partner or is it better to not know about it?

Well imagine, for instance, that your father told your partner... over Christmas dinner, quite casually.

[AgentofChaos]

NOTHING wrong with the strip club and getting lappers. It's a harmless thing that is more about male bonding than anything else. It's fuckin kareoke night for dudes. This is especially necessary in the business world. So long as he's proven to be a trustworthy man, who comes home with his dick untouched at the end of the night, there should be no issues. If you are on the fence, make him pull down his pants and smell the dick. That will tell you all you need to know. If he won't pull them down then he's got something to hide! Haha I mean hopefully it doesn't come to that, but hey different strokes right? My wife is cool with it, other wives aren't. I'm glad she is, not because I particularly enjoy it all that much, it can be fun with the right company I suppose, but more because it just sucks being that guy out with your single friends at the bar and when the night takes that turn, you have to be like "oh you guys go have a good time, I have my balls snipped and I can't do this because it makes my uptight wife uncomfortable". Not a particularly fun thing, plus it's lack of freedom due to a lack of trust. In my books, if the boundaries about this weren't previously set or discussed, and your aren't cool with his attitude about it, then sure you can try to readjust them (loss of points for not establishing your stance very early on though). Personally I don't think it's worth the war over either way, unless he's a real fuckin spineless pushover type guy, but yeah some women simply can't sleep at night knowing another whore's bare breasts were in touching distance of their man. A real man might enjoy the view, but he knows where the bacon is and goes home to it every night. Seems like he is too, since he told you straight up about it. If he isn't a real man, its better to find out now than later. Banning a man from the rippers who really wants to go there will accomplish jack shit anyway.

We might give this a go again........

You are better than that. Ah fuck, maybe you're not. I really don't know. But either way I wouldn't advise this. You know why, too.

[playwithfire]

I mean, depending on the state a “normal" lap dance still entails someone grinding on a dude's dick. I think it's okay to not be cool with that, though I am.

[decadent]

Of course it is OK not to be cool with it. But you cannot know if your partner didnt tell you this before. The thing is I was very open from the beginning, letting her know that I used to go lets say 3-4 times a year when I was in my home town. She never said that for her it is a no go, even told me that she`d come with me next time. So yeah, i thought she would be cool with it and that is why I didn`t even try to hide it.

Regarding different lapdances - I know exactly what you mean. In my home town a lapdance includes your hands touching/rubbing the girls ass the whole time. If she is in a good mood even breats can be touched.

The one I had though was just a standard one - hands glued to the couch, just looking.
@AgentofChaos got it right - for me its just a show, "fun with the guys" and nothing more. I get it that there are other people, for whom this is just the foreplay for an expensive night. But I am not one of them.

[playwithfire]

I mean, it just comes back to communication being important. If you don't know where someone stands on something, ask.

[Dra508]

NOTHING wrong with the strip club and getting lappers. It's a harmless thing that is more about male bonding than anything else. It's fuckin kareoke night for dudes. This is especially necessary in the business world. So long as he's proven to be a trustworthy man, who comes home with his dick untouched at the end of the night, there should be no issues. If you are on the fence, make him pull down his pants and smell the dick. That will tell you all you need to know. If he won't pull them down then he's got something to hide! Haha I mean hopefully it doesn't come to that, but hey different strokes right? My wife is cool with it, other wives aren't. I'm glad she is, not because I particularly enjoy it all that much, it can be fun with the right company I suppose, but more because it just sucks being that guy out with your single friends at the bar and when the night takes that turn, you have to be like "oh you guys go have a good time, I have my balls snipped and I can't do this because it makes my uptight wife uncomfortable". Not a particularly fun thing, plus it's lack of freedom due to a lack of trust. In my books, if the boundaries about this weren't previously set or discussed, and your aren't cool with his attitude about it, then sure you can try to readjust them (loss of points for not establishing your stance very early on though). Personally I don't think it's worth the war over either way, unless he's a real fuckin spineless pushover type guy, but yeah some women simply can't sleep at night knowing another whore's bare breasts were in touching distance of their man. A real man might enjoy the view, but he knows where the bacon is and goes home to it every night. Seems like he is too, since he told you straight up about it. If he isn't a real man, its better to find out now than later. Banning a man from the rippers who really wants to go there will accomplish jack shit anyway.





You are better than that. Ah fuck, maybe you're not. I really don't know. But either way I wouldn't advise this. You know why, too.

Dude, I'd actually listen to your prospective on my stuff if the first part of your post wasn't so fucking misogynistic.

[Sarah K]

Dude, I'd actually listen to your perspective on my stuff if the first part of your post wasn't so fucking misogynistic.

I fixed that for you.

[playwithfire]

If you consider strippers whores then you don't deserve that lapdance.

Also, a business world that requires strip club attendance to fit in when the business doesn't involve strip clubs is fucking stupid.

Sincerely,

Someone whose work has legitimately involved attending strip clubs.

[implanted_microchip]

So today marks our third anniversary altogether, and I'm thrilled to celebrate it with her. We both are financially not all too wonderful right now, so we went small on gifts and are just keeping it intimate. The first thing we ever did on our first date was watch Seven (she'd never seen it, and I guess it was a test to see if her tastes matched up) and had chicken alfredo for dinner, so we're basically going to do that and just enjoy the day. Honestly the cheaper more intimate times are sometimes the best, way more than the extravagant kind of things, even if it is less to talk about.

[AgentofChaos]

If you consider strippers whores then you don't deserve that lapdance.

Also, a business world that requires strip club attendance to fit in when the business doesn't involve strip clubs is fucking stupid.

Sincerely,

Someone whose work has legitimately involved attending strip clubs.

For the record, I don't necessarily consider strippers whores, I was speaking more from the angry wife's POV in that sentence. But regardless most strippers I know and have dealt with are actually big whores (that's fine, might as well IMO, no sense in drawing pointless lines but I digress), and the one's who aren't don't get beat up about being called one since they get it comes with the territory. They get over it rather quickly. Not sure you need to be a crusader for them. I don't deserve that lapdance? Hahaha Did I pay for it? Because if I did then yes I do. I'm pretty sure if a little supposed misogyny is going to disqualify my money from deserving a dance, then all the others cheaters, rapists, criminals money should be turned away too and there would be nobody left to give dances to and the strippers would all starve to death. Give me a fuckin break, have you looked at some of the degenerates you find inside a peelers?

As far as the business end, I don't make the rules. Welcome to the real business world. If you think it's stupid fine, doesn't make it any less legitimate. You do what you gotta do to make that money, just like the strippers. It's no different.

As someone whose work involved attending strip clubs, let me ask you what did you do, sell fuckin cigarettes?

And ladies, if my post is so awful and chauvinistic, why did I say the EXACT same thing playwithfire did about communication and discussed boundaries etc? If you are going to write me off as some sleaze bag woman hater (a cheap cop out reflex to avoid actually having a real discussion), at least tell me what it is that bothers you about my attitude so I can understand your perspective.

[eversonpoe]

And ladies, if my post is so awful and chauvinistic, why did I say the EXACT same thing playwithfire did about communication and discussed boundaries etc? If you are going to write me off as some sleaze bag woman hater (a cheap cop out reflex to avoid actually having a real discussion), at least tell me what it is that bothers you about my attitude so I can understand your perspective.

it's the language that you consistently use (all over this board, not just in this thread) and the attitude with which you interact with people. you come across as extremely misogynistic and condescending toward anyone who doesn't agree with you, especially if they're female.

also, all that talk about "smelling the dick" is pretty ridiculous.

[playwithfire]

THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK EVERSONPOE

I don't deserve that lapdance? Hahaha Did I pay for it? Because if I did then yes I do.

I'm not saying that you wouldn't receive it as part of a financial transaction, I'm saying that you wouldn't *deserve* it. As in it would be wasted on someone who clearly didn't respect the giver. The whole thing would be gross.

Anyway, I'm really glad people on this board call out problematic language/ideals. Because that stuff is hella problematic.

[playwithfire]

As someone whose work involved attending strip clubs, let me ask you what did you do, sell fuckin cigarettes?

No, I used to be an intern for one of the biggest porn blogs on the internet. We also hosted a monthly burlesque show at a strip club.

[allegro]

1. How is one going to smell another girl on a guy's weenie? I mean, is that possible?

3. I used to hang out with a group of guys who treated me like their little sister. At some point in the evening, they'd say goodbye to me and head over to this total dive strip club up the street where they'd hang out all night. They had nicknamed all of the "dancers" based on various tragic backgrounds or physical characteristics or abilities. For instance, "Gale the Whale" had a particular talent for squishing full beer cans between her tits. Some other girl was able to shoot ping pong balls out of her snatch, I can't remember her nickname. These guys treated this as something like a girl aquarium, something to watch while drinking cases of beer or vodka/tonics, in between doing pounds of coke in the john. The guys were often referees to the fights between the dancers, which broke out quite often. Most of the dancers preferred tips in the form of cocaine. I never understood the whole thing; I didn't understand the guys, I didn't understand the females. I am not of the Camille Paglia variety of feminist, because the average strip club isn't the high-class variety and it's mostly degrading toward women who are mostly in very tragic and desperate portions of their life. And I particularly don't understand this ever being part of a business transaction in the modern business world unless, of course, you run a porn blog. And I'm guessing, in that case, it would be a much higher-class establishment and the dancers would be protected and it's more "burlesque" with drinks and food.

[playwithfire]

People do this thing where they devalue women (I'm talking about this specifically so please spare me the IT HAPPENS TO DUDES TOO) based on the decisions they make. Frequently, the people doing that are consumers of those "decisions" in the porn they watch, the lapdances they buy. Non-transactionally... you'll sleep with a promiscuous woman, but god forbid you respect her. People have value, and when you deem that someone has less value (by calling them a whore, by implying they make shitty decisions that don't harm other people and that those decisions impact their worth as a person) you're being a real asshole.

And the hypocrisy of people who disrespect another human being while jerking off to them or whatever is disgusting and as humans we're all capable of rising above it. Fuck accepting anything less from the society we live in. I'm so over it.

[Dra508]

And ladies, if my post is so awful and chauvinistic, why did I say the EXACT same thing playwithfire did about communication and discussed boundaries etc? If you are going to write me off as some sleaze bag woman hater (a cheap cop out reflex to avoid actually having a real discussion), at least tell me what it is that bothers you about my attitude so I can understand your perspective.

I don't need to pig pile on you about the context of this conversation it was your tone that I can do without: ball snipped, uptight wife, etc. I thought you had a respectful relationship with your SO which actually humanized you sineater. Talking about woman like that in front of, behind my back or about me does not fly- it's belittling. Nu uh. I'm going to give you a pass that you're PNSing (pre-nicotine withdrawal syndrome).

Anywho- I'm going to see him this weekend and next week we are going together to see a therapist. We'll figure out if we can make this work. I'm hopeful.

I got a call from an old friend. Her husband might have "caught a case". Guess they aren't getting along at all and he's hate it with her lack of sex drive. Apparently, he physically intimidated her. Yeah, that's tough.

[orestes]

People do this thing where they devalue women (I'm talking about this specifically so please spare me the IT HAPPENS TO DUDES TOO) based on the decisions they make. Frequently, the people doing that are consumers of those "decisions" in the porn they watch, the lapdances they buy. Non-transactionally... you'll sleep with a promiscuous woman, but god forbid you respect her. People have value, and when you deem that someone has less value (by calling them a whore, by implying they make shitty decisions that don't harm other people and that those decisions impact their worth as a person) you're being a real asshole.

And the hypocrisy of people who disrespect another human being while jerking off to them or whatever is disgusting and as humans we're all capable of rising above it. Fuck accepting anything less from the society we live in. I'm so over it.

Have I ever told you that I love you? Because I do.

1. How is one going to smell another girl on a guy's weenie? I mean, is that possible?

You know how mother's can identify their babies blindfolded just by smell? I think AgentofChaos is saying that a married man's penis is just like a baby.

[elevenism]

@AgentofChaos DID say one thing that made sense, after the andrew dice clay show...
telling someone they can't go to the strip club, or do ANYTHING they really do, doesn't accomplish anything.
@Dra508 , i don't know much about your relationship, but if there is true love there, it's worth a try to hold onto it.
kudos on calling the therapist. I've had to use a therapist, psychiatrists, meds AND the damn preacher...but shit, real love doesn't come around very often, if ever for some folk.

[allegro]

Anywho- I'm going to see him this weekend and next week we are going together to see a therapist. We'll figure out if we can make this work.

Is this the guy who lives in Europe and you live in New England? (And he's not divorced, yet?) Are you moving to Europe? I hope he lives in a cool part of Europe. And not where you'll be, like, raising goats.

[implanted_microchip]

This was such a good fucking day for me! I haven't felt this full in my heart in so long, I feel like I could cry with how overwhelming it is (but only in a good way).

[elevenism]

No worries @elevenism , I just hope that it all goes well for you both! Everyone has their issues & from the sounds of it you two are committed to sorting it out, so hope it goes well!

I hope it does too. I REALLY wish i hadn't shared so much here, so i could subtly ask for advice. But i prejudiced everyone.

[Fixer808]

I love my girlfriend more every day. That is all.

[Dra508]

Is this the guy who lives in Europe and you live in New England? (And he's not divorced, yet?) Are you moving to Europe? I hope he lives in a cool part of Europe. And not where you'll be, like, raising goats.

That guy, but not Europe. I wish. Still 1500 miles from New England. It was my suggestion to go and he didn't hesitate. I suspect some of my comments about fear and regret got him thinking. We'll see.